Last time, we obliterated a child predator. This time, we're trying to ferret out Dio's stronghold in Cairo.
If we were keeping 1-to-1 lockstep with the manga, we'd be somewhere around 46-47 days into the trip, leaving Holly a long weekend's worth of lifespan remaining.
Polnareff:No better place to start than asking around at a local cafe! That's how we do it in France! Joseph:Exactly what I was thinking, Polnareff! Abdul:(White tourists...) Joseph:Barman, have you seen the building in this photographic print?
Jotaro: ......... Cascada: ...Seems like our chances are slim to none. Abdul: There must be someone who knows... Joseph: Let's go... We'll ask someone else.
These days the city's pushing ~10 million people, with its greater urban sprawl containing ~23 million. That's more than Osaka, Beijing, Los Angeles, or London.
Card-Shuffling Man: Why, yes. I do know the mansion in that picture. Joseph: For real!? Are you serious!? Abdul: That's great! Polnareff: Yes! I didn't think we'd find someone this quickly... Talk about a lucky break! Card-Shuffling Man: ......... Joseph: Where is it!? Please tell us!
Joseph: ! Oh, yes... I apologize. Here's 10 pounds... Now, where is it? Cascada:Jeez, you're an easy mark. Joseph:I didn't trick an ancient superbeing into shotgunning a molotov cocktail and exploding during the war to take lip from you, kid. Card-Shuffling Man: Hm hm hm hm hm... I'm quite fond of gambling, you know. I love its cheap thrills... You might even say I'm hooked. In truth, much of my living wages come from gambling. Tell me... Do you like to gamble? Joseph: ...? What exactly are you trying to say? Card-Shuffling Man: I need a yes or no answer. Do you, or do you not like gambling? Joseph: ...Er, I'm not sure how you want me to...
Joseph: I'll give you 20 pounds, so could you just tell us? Card-Shuffling Man: Who said anything about poker? There are many ways to gamble that take no time at all. For example... All me to call your attention to that wall. Do you see the cat walking on top of it?
Card-Shuffling Man:And keep your dog leashed for this, will you? Iggy:-grrr- Polnareff: Man, you're getting on my nerves!! Just take the 30 pounds and tell us where it is, you son of a...!! Abdul:Sir, is 40 pounds truly not tempting? Joseph:Err... Cascada:We can gamble on if you'll take the 50 pounds or if I kick your ass. Jotaro:60 pounds says I could do it easy with Star Platinum... Joseph:Wai- Polnareff:70 pounds that I skewer him before Jotaro does! Joseph: Calm down, Polnareff. That's no way to speak to someone who's offered to help us.
Abdul: (Hey, Jotaro... Don't you think there's something off about this guy?) Jotaro:(He didn't react to 80 pounds... he must be loaded...) Abdul:(...apart from that.) Jotaro: (Yeah... He could be a Stand user... But he might also be some regular gambling-obsessed lunatic...) Abdul: (Jotaro. If he tries anything funny, then punch him out with Star Platinum as fast as you can.) Jotaro: (Got it.) Jotaro:(But you'll owe me 90 pounds.)
Card-Shuffling Man: Here comes the cat. Polnareff: It's going for the right one! Heh heh! Polnareff: (If I were a cat, I'd want the bigger piece! It's gotta be the right one!)
Joseph: Looks like it's not your lucky day, Polnareff. What now? This is going to make it a pain to find the building. Polnareff:Well, pay the man, Mr. Joestar. Joseph:Too bad, I don't have 1100 francs on me... Card-Shuffling Man: Now... We had a deal. Keep up your end of the bargain! Polnareff: Huh!? My end of the wha...? Card-Shuffling Man: I'll be taking your soul! We agreed on it earlier. Pay up!
D'arby: Polnareff gambled his soul and lost... Now it's mine! Abdul: H-he has no pulse... He's dead! Polnareff is dead!! Cascada: Polnareeeff!! Cascada:We weren't even at 10 FP yet!
D'arby: This coin is Polnareff's soul... It certainly didn't take long to eliminate one of Dio's obstacles... He wasn't the brightest bulb in the box. Abdul: B-bastard!!
This principle underpins a lot of Araki's storytelling. I keep harping on the idea that Stand battles aren't about simply overpowering the enemy, but figuring out how their abilities work and subverting that somehow. Even in his pre-JoJo work like Cool Shock B.T., characters scheme and trick each other and the one who comes out on top is always the one who Figured It Out.
This part, well, maybe a bit less so. Though JoJo doesn't dip into The Power of Friendship quite as much as other Shonen Jump stuff.
D'arby: I remember. Abdul:Hm? This is our first meeting. D'arby:No, I meant, I remember what -I- was doing. Cascada:Abdul's right. How would we know what you were doing then? D'arby:No, what were YOU doing at 11:15 PM on September 22nd, 1984? Jotaro:The hell do you care? D'arby:Hm hm hm... so, you don't remember...? Abdul:Why are you testing us if you yourself do not know the answer? D'arby:......well...... uh.........
Cascada:Which thing? Abdul:Be more specific. D'arby:ENOUGH!
D'arby: Here he is... Stephen Moor. Below him is his father, and next to him is his wife. If you want Polnareff's back, then you'll have to continue the game. Joseph: Un...believable... Abdul: H-he's a genuine demon... Jotaro: ...He plans to take us out one-by-one... Cascada:You bastard! Polnareff would never consent to a polycule with Americans!
Cascada:Only if you're buying. D'arby:Would you like to wager on it? Cascada:Go to hell, then.
Joseph:That makes no sense. It's called "surface tension", not Derby. D'arby:No, I meant... Joseph:You couldn't have been alive in the 1880s when Agnes Pockels figured out the minimum area a molecule takes up on a monolayer. If you were, then MAYBE we could call surface tension "Birdie". But you weren't. D'arby:MY NAME I- Joseph:What a ridiculous thing to say. D'arby:I. Know. What. Surface. Tension. Is.
Abdul: !! Jotaro: Hey... Gramps... Cascada: N-no way! Mr. Joestar! Abdul:How do you know so much about fluid dynamics...? Joseph:My best friend was a master bubble user. Whenever he had a spare moment, it was all he'd talk about... D'arby:Ahem, sir, if we're going to wager... I need to hear the words. Joseph: I wager my soul! D'arby: GOOD!
D'arby: Do you mind if I inspect the cups and the glass beforehand? Joseph: Why even ask? Of course you can check to see if I'm cheating. D'arby: ......... Joseph: However... If you lose, do you promise to return Polnareff's soul? D'arby: I swear on my dignity as a gambler. I will return it, provided that I lose... And make no mistake, I have no intention of doing so. Cascada: Mr. Joestar!
Abdul drags Polnareff over to a chair during this exchange. It's a fun detail.
A weird prompt, seeing as you can always take the safe way out and skip the event. It's a bit more roundabout to do so this time, I suppose.
The D'arby battle has been a fan favorite for decades. It was the only non-main-plot battle that got animated in the 90s OVA, placed in between Geb (which introduces Iggy) and the final showdown at Dio's mansion.
Isn't the trick in these kinds of games that you always go first?
Joseph's scheme in the manga was that he secretly soaked a cotton ball and was squeezing it to secretly add more liquid to the cup. Right now, let's just go for a plain four coins. You basically want to hit the button when the chips are lined up together, like you're playing a Mario Golf or something.
Having this be a bespoke minigame is one of those things about 7SU that boggles my mind. It's just got word-for-word recreations for so many scenes that when it busts out some shit like this, I sit up in my seat.
Joseph:(The cup's at its limit! I'm screwed and absolutely nothing in my skillset allows me to respond to this!)
If we were following the manga directly, Joseph loses right here; D'arby hid some chocolate under the glass, and as it melts in the hot sun it levels out the glass just enough to get the coins in. This does happen in the game if you reach 8 coins in the glass without a victor. Joseph panics and D'arby says he "admitted defeat in his heart", which is enough of a crack for his Stand to declare victory.
Sounds like bullshit to me. If Joseph could swindle the Ultimate Life Form, some dipshit gambler shouldn't be a big deal.
Joseph: (I'll have to maintain the alcoholic jelly while it's away from my finger, and time the restoration right before he puts the coins in. Otherwise, he'll know that I cheated!) D'arby: GO AHEAD! Mr. Joestar! Hurry up! Are you waiting for it to evaporate!? Joseph: Urgh....! Joseph: (I've left with no choice but to create subtle yet powerful ripples! Let's do this!)
Eat shit.
Polnareff: ... uh... urgh... Abdul: Are you alright, Polnareff!? Polnareff:I had a strange dream... I was being forced to spend time with an American family... it was terrible!
Joseph: Seems like you've run out of all options, huh? D'arby: W-wait! Y-y-you cheated at the game! Joseph Joestar!
Cascada:If any one of you assholes moves, you're getting a Heat Ray. Jotaro: Now where do you think you're going? You're not thinking of escaping, are you?
We once again bring up the secret of Dio's Stand as the final obstacle to truly defeating him. I think almost everyone reading this knows exactly what it is, but I do sometimes wonder what it was like back in the day to have this secret, unbeatable power looming.
I had to specifically go in and increase the framerate of my .gif capturer to get the punch sprite in this one. It's there for barely a tenth of a second.
Joseph: Those... were people whose souls were turned into a coin just like Polnareff's. D'arby: Hey, everyone! Come back! Let's play mahjongg! Backgammon's fine, too! Dice is rather thrilling as well, if I do say so! I'm the best! Yahoo! Cascada: ...Looks like he's lost his marbles... Abdul: His collection is moving on to the afterlife... But it looks like he's in no condition to be interrogated about Dio. Cascada: So it's back to square one... Jotaro: ...Still, he was a fearsome opponent... He risked taking on all of us alone.
We'd normally move on to the next area here, but there's still a bit more to show off in this event. Roll it back!
haha oops
Abdul: Mr. Joestar! Jotaro: Gramps! Cascada: Even Mr. Joestar...! D'arby: That's two down! Let the games continue! Unless you want to run like cowards and leave those two behind, that is! Abdul: You bastaaaaarrrrrddddd!!!
Jotaro: Mind your own business and stay behind the counter! Cascada:I didn't give a shit about beating up bystanders on the Pakistan border and I sure as hell don't give a shit here. Clerk:...at least order something... Cascada:Nah, I'll just help myself to that whiskey later...
The latter option here allows things to play out as in the manga, where Jotaro handles it in the most Jotaro way possible, which is so fun that you should experience it yourself outside this LP. Weirdly enough, it also causes you to take +3 (!!!) bad karma and nets a -1 FP to all party members. I guess everyone expects Cascada to bail them out of any bad situation at this point. Can't say she hasn't given them cause, I guess.
Jotaro: ...! Abdul: !! ...The Machine!! D'arby: An interesting move! Poker is my specialty, you know! Abdul: Poker!? You can't be serious! This man outsmarted even Mr. Joestar! I-it's too risky! Cascada: I know... He's a dangerous man... Despite being nonviolent, he's more dangerous than any Stand user we've met thus far... But I don't have any other choice in the matter. Cascada:It's not like you goons could handle it. Abdul:Errr... I suppose... Jotaro:...Give me a @#S% break...
Cascada: This is a game where you won't be able to get anything past Star Platinum's eyes. Jotaro:...I was gonna get a drink. Cascada:Like hell. Keep watching his hands. Jotaro:Tch. Fine. D'arby: ...Suit yourself. Let's start the match!
Attaching Phoenix Wright's pointing hand here is absolutely perfect in how slapshod it is.
This is also a good a time as any to refer folks over to Updated Autopsy Report, a podcast covering the Ace Attorney series with two long-time fans and two newcomers. I wasn't on the podcast, but I was a regular guest on the podcast's supplementary Let's Play. As of this writing, they've gone through every game and are now covering various pieces of media that director Shu Takumi has cited as influential on the series, like Sherlock Holmes and Columbo.
D'arby: Knowing that, do you still wish to continue? Cascada... Cascada: That's exactly what I want to do. D'arby: Then let's hear it. Cascada: ...All right... I wager my soul! D'arby: GOOD!
D'arby:
Those snow-white chips to the left of the table represent your soul... Once I've taken all 6, your soul is mine.
If you beat me once, you get one of my chips, and vice-versa. Take all of my chips, and Joseph and Polnareff's souls will be released.
Normally, poker is a bit more complex, but we'll be playing with my house rules this time, so you cannot raise your bet.
Typically, the minimum bet is 3 chips, but since we only have 6 to start with, we'll change the rules a bit.
If we bet 3 at a time, I'd have a sizeable advantage, after all... Consider this a reward for challenging me in my strongest game!
Abdul: T-this guy... He's mocking us!
D'arby: Of course, if you're caught... You will lose by disqualification, no matter how many chips you have left... Hm hm hm. Abdul: As if we'd resort to your cowardly tricks! And you should be more cautious... Jotaro and I will be monitoring the game! Jotaro: Yeah, I'll be watching with my Star Platinum's eyes. D'arby: Ooh, I'm scared... Abdul: Damn you...! Jotaro: But, D'arby... Those rules apply to you too, correct? If we catch you cheating, you'll be disqualified... D'arby: Yes, true... But I won't be so careless.
A handful of player Stands do let you cheat. Quicksilver isn't one of them, alas.
I've read it is technically possible to win this normally and net a Badge of Honor, but the odds are astronomically low. You'd have to basically roll a Nat-20 six times in a row.
Since D'arby will always cheat somehow and win, we have to catch him in the act. This boils down to a complex dialogue tree puzzle with multiple proverbial keys and locks.
Here, we inspect the deck.
Cascada:Goddammit. D'arby: Hm hm... Nothing out of the ordinary, if I do say so. Since the game hasn't begun yet, I don't mind... But be warned, if you don't have a better reason next time, you WILL lose chips. Jotaro: ...Well, you picked the game, so I won't complain, but... Are you sure you want to play like that? Cascada:......I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING JOJO
Basically every point of a given hand has a prompt like this. The trick is figuring out the ones you can catch him on.
Abdul: Just chocolate and whiskey, huh... D'arby: Hm hm... Nothing out of the ordinary, if I do say so. Now then, I'll be taking one chip as a penalty for interrupting the game. Cascada:fffffffff D'arby: Now, where were we...
And it's back to the top with him shuffling the deck. We go on another loop, without stopping him this time.
We couldn't find anything suspicious last time... and we still won't this time. But what if we come at it from a different angle?
Jotaro: You haven't cut the cards yet... D'arby. D'arby: Oh? You wanted to cut it? In that case, you should've said that from the beginning... Jotaro: Don't try and fuck with us. If we don't cut it, it makes it easier for you to cheat when you shuffle the cards. D'arby: Hm hm hm... Not necessarily... You can't prove it. There's no way to tell I'm not just getting the right cards at the right time... Abdul: You son of a... Jotaro: We can't afford to let our guard down for a second. Abdul: We can't possibly be expected to trust him! We should switch out the cards for new ones and get someone else to deal. D'arby: Hm hm hm... Aren't you distrustful! If you like, you can pick someone else to be the dealer... Someone we don't know, of course.
Cascada:Why don't I deal? D'arby:How do I know you wouldn't cheat? Hm hm... Cascada:You can't prove it. There's no way to tell I'm not just getting the right cards at the right time. D'arby:......If I don't deal, you don't either.
Cascada:Hey, kid. Child:You're paying me for this, right? Cascada:We can discuss that later. First...
Child: Nope, I don't know him at all! Abdul: Are you telling the truth? Child: Yup! Abdul: Do you always play soccer here? Child: Yup! Jotaro: Does he always come to this cafe? Child: Nope, never seen 'im! D'arby: Satisfied? I'd like to begin the game, if you don't mind.
Abdul: ...Some of the cards have chocolate stuck to them. D'arby: Well, naturally... It melted while I was eating it. Probably because you keep stalling the game! Cascada:Or because you're cheating somehow... with, uh. The chocolate. Definitely. Jotaro:We're screwed... D'arby: Hm hm... Nothing out of the ordinary, if I do say so. Now then, I'll be taking one chip as a penalty for interrupting the game. Cascada:uuuuuggggghhhhh
Something still isn't clicking... but as was alluded to in D'arby's post-Joseph breakdown, he's paid off everyone in this bar. The kid is lying about not being affiliated.
Cascada: No... I want Abdul to deal. D'arby: ...! Abdul: M-me? Cascada: Yeah. For all we know, D'arby could've paid off everyone here. If Abdul deals, it's the only way to be sure no foul play is involved! D'arby: Now, hold it right there... Why would I let a friend of yours deal? How can I be sure he isn't going to cheat? If you're unhappy with this dealer, then pick someone we don't know. Cascada: We have no intention of cheating... And more importantly, didn't you say the one who lets himself get cheated is the real loser? D'arby: G... rrgh... Jotaro: That's a good point. All right, Abdul. It's all yours. Abdul: Understood!
The sweat drops are a sign we're on the right track. Controlling the deck means we've deprived him of one vector for cheating. Now we can focus on other suspicious moves.
Jotaro:The Machine... you did that already... Cascada:Wait, seriously? Abdul:It was only a few moments ago... Cascada:...shit. D'arby: Now then, I'll be taking one chip as a penalty for interrupting the game. Cascada:(Just checking his person is the wrong way to think about this... he's got to be playing another angle...)
Let's go another loop around.
Jotaro:Again!? Cascada:I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING JOJO D'arby: Nothing out of the ordinary, yes? Cascada:Not yes! D'arby: Hm? Then by all means, tell us what the problem is!
More sweat drops!
Cascada:Of course!! Abdul: W-what do you mean!? Cascada: Using ink, the label of the whiskey bottle could be disguised as a card! See the playing card design? If you peeled this off and stuck it on the surface, it'd easily pass for a legitimate card! Abdul: W-whaaaat!? Jotaro: ...But it doesn't seem like the label's been tampered with.
Abdul: I-it's true... It looks untouched. Jotaro: And most importantly... If he did anything that obvious, my Star Platinum wouldn't have overlooked it. The whiskey bottle and glass are both right there on top of the table.
Cascada:WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON ABDUL Jotaro:This is reckless... Cascada:I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING JOJO Iggy:woof Cascada:SHUT IT IGGY D'arby:Hm hm hm... Cascada:AHHHHHHHHH
However, we saw he jumped up to four sweat drops when we were checking his things. We were on the right track.
Abdul:This is your last chip, The Machine... Jotaro:We're screwed... Cascada:He's the one who's screwed. I'm done fucking around.
It's not the cards, because Abdul's dealing. It's not the whiskey, because that's sitting out in the open and can't be tampered with while in Star Platinum's view. There's only one option left.
Cascada:You've been practically dipping those cards in fondue all day. It's gross. Abdul: W-what do you mean!? Cascada: The chocolate that's on those cards has a sticky substance on it... nougat, maybe? Sticky enough, in fact... to where it could be used to adhere it to something else! Abdul: Y-you may be right...
I'm not quite dexterous enough to palm the cards properly, but I know a really good trick that involves surreptitiously sticking a card to a surface.
You pretend to cough and use the opportunity to either wipe chapstick off your lips onto the card or straight up lick it so that it'll stick long enough to complete the misdirection.
Cascada: Jotaro. Watch D'arby's hands. And Abdul... Could you take a peek under the table? Abdul: U-under the table? ..................... Jotaro:You'd bette- Cascada:I know what I'm doing, Jojo. Abdul: !!! T-there are cards stuck underneath! And right in front of D'arby's chair, too!
Jotaro: ...I see. So that's how you were switching the cards out. Abdul: He used the chocolate as glue! D'arby: Waaaaaaaaah!!! Cascada: And, if we combine the cards with the ones we were using and count them... Abdul: ...............!! 60 cards!! That's 7 too many!! Jotaro: These cards... He must've taken them when we exchanged the decks and hands... Then, by sticking them under the table, he could keep them hidden while still being able to stealthily retrieve them during play... Abdul: That's why he was eating the chocolate in the first place!!
Abdul: Hey! Polnareff and Mr. Joestar's souls! They're returning to their bodies! They're saved! Joseph: .........Urgh... Polnareff: U-uh...... ugh... Jotaro: Since he lost by disqualification, their souls are being released... Cascada:Save your applause, boys. I know, I'm the best.
There's something compelling about situations like this where the enemy is forced to play under the same rules as the heroes. It'd feel like a cop-out if D'arby was immune to his own Stand, but doing it this way lets the squad beat him on his own terms which is always more satisfying.
