Last time, we did a bunch of shopping for the upcoming gauntlet. This time, we'll cover one of my favorite Stand battles in all of Part 3. There's also a larger number of .gifs than normal this time, in case any of you are still rocking that 56K.
Polnareff: You really think there are still undiscovered tombs? Abdul: It's a possibility. Jotaro: By the way, where's Gramps? Abdul: He went to the bathroom... Iggy's with him, so he should be fine. Polnareff: The bathroom? Abdul: Do you need to go too? Cascada:I'm getting a bad feeling about this...
Joseph:If I had even three seashells, I could figure something out, but this... Iggy:...woof...
In the midst of all this cultural xenophobia, the manga at least musters up enough decency to have a text box disclaimer that these are supposedly extremely rare. I expect Araki maybe read about them in a book once, or perhaps heard drunken ramblings at a bar.
I can't even come up with a joke here more ridiculous than what's actually happening. He's got a metal hand for fuck's sake.
Abdul: Mr. Joestar! What are you doing? We're leaving soon! Joseph: Oh, got it! Be right there!
As our heroes walk off camera, we pan to the right...
Shocked. Shocked, I tell you.
They would have delivered a new hand... probably with the submarine? The same submarine where High Priestess completely mangled his previous hand. Convenient.
The ever-present narrative plus of having automail or whatnot is, of course, that you can destroy it and create stakes without actually harming the character it's attached to. See also mecha.
Abdul: Is everything all right? Joseph: I'm fine... Abdul: ...We still have 2 days to go before we reach Cairo. We're all a bit beat up. Why don't we stop in Luxor for the night and take a load off? Polnareff: Yeah, let's do it! Ever since we reached Egypt, the enemies have gotten way stronger! It's been tooth-and-nail fighting them off. Jotaro:You've barely done anything other than get possessed. Cascada: I agree. If the enemy catches us while we're exhausted, then we're done for. Joseph: I suppose we'll be better prepared to enter Cairo that way. Still, don't get too complacent. Let's find a hotel.
Carpenter: Auuugghhh... The nails... ...The nails! It huuuuuuurts!! Polnareff: Nails? What, did you hit your finger with that hammer or something? You should be more careful! Your hammer almost hit us. Carpenter: Agagagagahhh...
Abdul: Will do... Hm hm hm... But Mr. Joestar... You sure are a restless sleeper for your age! You're turned around 180 degrees! You fell asleep facing south, and now you're facing north! Guess you're young at heart!
Joseph:That evil bunny girl isn't still here, is she?
Young Lady: Eeeeeeeeek!! What are you doing, you dirty old codger!? Joseph: ? Huh? Wha?
Joseph: Whaaaat!? They're... they're sticking to me! E-everything metal is attracted to me... Maybe... my body... Auuugh! My body! It's become a magnet!
Joseph: I-is this magnetism being caused by a new Stand user!? So... why can't I see the Stand!? Ah!! Could it be because I touched that outlet on the rock yesterday!? Is that shock the cause!? I-I've got to warn Jotaro and Abdul!
These characters must often be dumb as a sack of bricks to get the plot rolling, but it does mean we can think, "Yes! Thank you!" when they clock into things relatively quickly.
Joseph: Urgh! N-now I've done it! The steps are made of steel...! And the magnetism effect... it's getting stronger over time!
Joseph: Whaaaaat!?
We should all be so lucky.
Miniskirt Lady: ............ Joseph: H-hey! Are you listening!? Miniskirt Lady: Hm hm hm hm... Joseph: !? W-whaaat!? Miniskirt Lady: Hee hee... Relax, Joseph Joestar... Joseph: Are... are you the Stand user!?
Mariah: Once you're caught in my Bastet's magnetic curse, there's no escape... Joseph: Aaaaaaaaauggggghhh! S-someone! Anyone! Stop the escalator!
Mariah waltzes off camera as Joseph begins his third freakout of the morning.
Joseph: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaargh! My neck! My neck! Waaahhh!! I'm at the bottom! It's overrr! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!! I'm deeeaaadd!! Bwuh-huh-huhhhhh! Abdul: -ahe-he-hemmm-... Hello, Mr. Joestar? Joseph: My neck has snappeedddd... Abdul: -ahem-! Joseph: It's brokeeeeeen...! Abdul: I've already stopped the escalator. The button was right next to it. Joseph:I can't believe I'm dying in a hotel that doesn't even exude a colonial charm!! OOOUUURRRGGGHHH!!! Abdul:MR. JOESTAR!
There's a crowd of people covered by the text box, by the way. It's hard to grab a screenshot in the scant few frames between.
Abdul: ...............? What just happened, Mr. Joestar...? Joseph: It's the enemy! I've been caught in an enemy Stand's trap! Right now... my body is a magnet! Metals have been flying at me all day! Abdul:You woke up ten minutes ago... Joseph: P-plus, the effect is getting more powerful by the minute...!
I think it's a great gag that she was literally one (1) tile off camera.
Joseph: It's her! She's the user!! I'm going after her! We need to get rid of this magnetic effect before I become immobilized! Abdul: I'll go get Jotaro and the others!! Joseph: We don't have time for that! She's getting away! I need to at least get a look at her face!
Abdul: (Y-you want me... to sneak a peek!?) Joseph: (It's an emergency! I'll make sure she doesn't escape from the top of the stall!)
I guess this could happen from all the bolts sliding open?
Abdul:Is this the Stand user!? Joseph:No way! I'm not into women my age! Abdul: I-it's the wrong person! This isn't gonna be good...! Joseph: L-let's make a break for it! Women: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!! Perveeeeeeeeeeeeeeert!!
Mariah: Hee hee hee hee... Joseph: Damn it! How'd she get over there!? C'mon, after her!
Joseph: If it shocks you, then you'll become magnetic! Abdul: ............... I've... already touched it, Mr. Joestar. Joseph: W-whaaaaaaaaaaaat!? When!? Abdul: Remember when I pressed the emergency stop button on the escalator? There was an outlet right next to it... And it shocked me... Joseph: That... woman...!
Joseph: Y-you're the one who should separate, Abdul! Abdul: B-but you came over here! Joseph: It must be the magnetism sticking us together! Augh... This is some enemy...!
There are a bunch of goofy unique sprites for this single scene. I suppose that's a little easier to do when your characters are ~25x25 pixels.
Joseph: Calm down, Abdul! We can't do anything about it now! We have to think of a way to beat this Stand! Where is that damn woman!? Abdul: I don't see her anywhere! Augh... I've got metal all over my body! Joseph: Stand up slowly, Abdul.
Abdul: By your lead, Mr. Joestar!
Joseph: Ah... Abdul: M-Mr. Joestar... This is... quite embarrassing... Joseph: Hey! What are you looking at! We're practicing our dance routine! Bug off! Abdul: It's n-nice to dance in the street! Joseph:Think we could make it onstage at the Cairo Opera House? Abdul:Mr. Joestar! Please!
Abdul: So it seems... Joseph: Abdul. Can you move your body a little bit? Abdul: Yes, a little. Joseph: Good... I'll grab onto this fence while you slide your body down bit by bit. Once you get to my feet, we can separate! If my head is stuck to your head, then your head and my feet should deflect each other. Abdul: R-right...
Joseph:It's fine! Just remember what I told you about sticking to the head! Abdul:Yes, of course...
I was about to make a note on clever asset re-use, but the left-center girl sprite actually is different from Alicia's.
Joseph: Hey! I told you to scram, so scram! You little brats! C'mon, faster, Abdul! Hurry and get offa me! Abdul:Hhhnnnggg! I'll get off if it's the last thing I do!!
If I may proverbially sit down on the chair backwards and look directly at the camera for a moment: while I don't approve of "gay panic" jokes or taking potshots at the LGBTQ community, I do approve of jokes about people who usually take themselves seriously being put in inherently silly situations. The "uh oh, we're stuck together!" plot is a once-a-season Super Sentai episode for a reason.
And really, nobody in JoJo has comedic freak-outs like Joseph Joestar.
Abdul:Quickly! Say something that would scare off any confident adult woman! Joseph:I... uhh... I AM PEAK AURA FARMING RAAAAAAA
This line feels like it's meant to be placed after the next cutscene, but who am I to judge?
Mariah: Hee hee hee hee hee... Joseph: Abdul! Go behind her, so she can't get away! She's a persistent foe... She might have set up traps!
I haven't figured out a rationale for when the game does or doesn't decide to show a character's portrait. It seems completely arbitrary.
Joseph:It's okay! We just both have to get off each other again! Abdul:So quickly after last time!? Mariah: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee...
Joseph: Here comes the train! What are you waiting for!? Abdul: I... I can't do that! If I burn them, the train will derail and many people will be killed!! Mariah: Hee hee hee hee... Joseph: That woman! That god damn woman! Hermit Purple!
Joseph: No... it's no good! The magnetism is too strong! Abdul: Mr. Joestar, pull harder! You can do it! Joseph:I'm pulling on this shaft as hard and fast as I can! Abdul: Aaaaugh!! I-it's here! Pull, pull! Joseph: Waaauuuggghhhhh!!
Just kidding.
The "gag" here is meant to be that Mariah is normally cool and sexy but has an ugly freak-out face, which, I mean, that's barely a joke.
Abdul:That seems a bit extreme... Joseph:It wouldn't be the first time I've brutally maimed a woman and it probably won't be the last! Abdul:I-I see...
I have to post Joseph's face from the manga here, which is a panel that has always stuck with me:
Also, look closely. Her sprite has accordingly gone PS1-style Tifa. Fun detail.
Mariah: Hee hee hee hee... The magnetism's going to get more and more powerful... Until both of your bodies are crushed! Abdul: She's getting away! Joseph: No... She isn't running... Just trying to maintain her distance! If she gets too close, she's in our range... But if she gets too far, her magnetism effect will disappear! Even her Stand has to obey the rules! Abdul: What should we do? She said it's going to keep increasing... Should we run somewhere the effect can't reach us? Joseph: No... Even if we escape the magnetism, we still can't defeat her Stand!
We're about to enter one of those sequences that's fascinating in how elaborate it is, but also so annoying to deal with that the game itself includes ways to skip it entirely.
I sped the .gif up considerably. It's much more readable in-game.
Game Narration:
To capture Mariah, you'll have to corner her on both sides! However, be careful... Metals will fly towards you, and if they connect, you'll be damaged and your weight will increase!
As you get heavier, your movement speed will gradually decrease! If you get hit with a knife, you'll start bleeding and take additional damage every step!
Abdul has the ability to burn objects that fly towards him! If it succeeds, he'll negate the damage and added weight! Joseph can use his Stand to search the area 10 paces ahead of him by using the "Search" skill! He can also use it to pinpoint Mariah's exact location!
But first, a quick gag.
The magnetism makes the ring fly right out of the box!
So. Mariah is indeed on the map and will always run from your currently controlled character - whomever it be - along specific lanes. Meanwhile, every single piece of metal on screen will chase you down like you're a Switch 2 on launch night.
It is an incredible fucking hassle.
The timing for when Abdul can blast shit with Magician's Red is finicky as hell. My best guess is that you have to manage to "talk" to an object before it directly collides with you, which is so hard to do that it might as well be pure button mashing and luck.
Here's a great example of the tedium involved. I'm trying to get to this specific treasure chest, which is effectively impossible without getting slammed by a bunch of stuff. You can also see here how much your movement slows down.
Anyway, there are a bunch of chests around the map, but this one is special.
I skimmed through Part 2 between this update and the last to figure out what this is supposed to be referencing, but I'm stumped. Forgive me.
This whole sequence is a fucking nightmare without grabbing Life Magnetism.
That isn't even the slowest you can get! It becomes interminable!
Meanwhile, the "Search" skill:
Decently useful I suppose, though giving us Mariah's X,Y coordinates feels particularly silly to me. Off the top of your head: from which corner does RPG Maker 2000 start measuring tiles, and how big is the chase map? Don't know? Then the coordinates aren't very helpful, are they?
Again, Bleed is somehow the most powerful damage-over-time status in this game and must be dealt with immediately.
Most of the other treasure chests just have curatives.
If you miss Life Magnetism, these vases are your pressure valve.
Joseph:Abdul! Are you here!?
Abdul:YES, I AM! ...BLEEDING HEAVILY!!
Once you can get Abdul up to the finish line, you lose control of him and have to corral Mariah up there with only Joseph.
This is your other lifeline. For 30,000 G (!!!) you can hire these guys to skip the whole event. Our current coffers are around 18k, so I couldn't have done this even if I wanted to... and god did I want to.
Mariah runs at the same speed you do, assuming you have no metals weighing you down. I found the best way to handle it was try and corral her into the upper-left corner, then try and send her rightwards into the ambush.
If you get lucky, you can catch up and fight her directly.
You're permanently stuck with Magnet status, which does 5%+1 HP damage every turn and halves your speed.
Joseph:If only The Machine were here...!
All the objects ram into you for sizable damage and Mariah will paralyze you. We may be overlevelled, but not so much that we can overturn the action economy.
This is how it looked after one action (in about three rounds), so alas, we must flee.
I lost her a couple times, but she'll always eventually return to the first crossroads where you can start again.
Fucking finally. Maybe it doesn't sound like a long time, but this took an unbroken 10 minutes of running around.
Mariah: Ohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho! Ohohohohohohoho... Joseph:(I'll take this over "hee hee hee"...) Mariah: Nowhere to run, you say...? You really don't get it, do you... I wanted you to follow me here! I led you on!
Mariah: Have fun being barbequed!
Mariah: The effects of my Bastet have already completely overwhelmed your Hermit Purple!! Abdul: Cursed woman! I'll burn you to death!
Abdul: My flames can melt anything, but not everything! I-I'm going to be flattened... Joseph: Arrgggghhhhhh! I can't hold out much longer! Mariah: Joseph Joestar... I'll tell you one last thing... You're one very good looking man. Even though we never really got to know each other, you've demonstrated that you have an excellent sense of humor... Abdul:Do not listen to her! All lies! Mariah: You're not a young man by any stretch, but you have a lot of life experience, and all in all, I'd even say you're quite the charmer... Abdul:The woman speaks falsehoods!! Joseph:Alright hold on- Mariah: Age gap aside, I think we would've made quite a good pair. Hee hee...
Mariah: Mmmm... nope! You're not as attractive as Dio. Abdul:......d-do you also recall EVERY detail...? Joseph:Abdul! Mariah:Hee hee hee...
Mariah: You heard me! Sorry, but you're through. Joseph: Even if I beg? Mariah: Yes, so stop asking already! Joseph: I see. Your loss, young lady.
The manga seems to imply that Joseph uses the magnetism to repel himself off a street drain to rise in the air, while the anime makes it so he's using the Ripple to lift himself up on streams of water. Cool.
Joseph: So can we grab some breakfast? Abdul: Yeah, I'm all for it. All this running around in circles has worked up quite the appetite! Joseph: Wow, it's already 9AM? Polnareff's gonna be pissed! Abdul:I imagine Jotaro and The Machine are getting hungry as well... Mariah: You... sons of bitches...
