To all returning readers, thank you. It's 2025 and enough horrible shit is happening that it's either work on this doomed project or sink into despair. Or both, I guess?
Recap: After making landfall in Egypt, we faffed about a hub map, grinded until the letters on my keyboard was worn off, and put a bullet in Joey for good.
Polnareff: Hey! What's that!? Joseph: Oh, looks like it's here.
I brought up at some point the concept of sprites in this kind of game not being to scale, and this is a great example. The helicopter seems enormous, but if the character sprites are accurately sized, then this helicopter is roughly to scale. Meanwhile, the dune buggy for the entire party is only two tiles.
Cascada: I feel like I've seen that logo before... Joseph: It's a Speedwagon Foundation copter. Jotaro: As in the people taking care of Mom in Japan? It's owned by an old friend of yours, right? Joseph:A friend of my grandfather's. He was basically my weird rich gay uncle. Kakyoin:Uh... Joseph:No relation to the rock band. Kakyoin:Ah. Naturally. Jotaro: Don't tell me we're flying again...
Worked out great for all the other bystanders so far.
Kakyoin: So why is that helicopter here? Joseph: They're bringing someone to assist us on our trip. Cascada: What? A new member!? Cascada:Is this guy supposed to be the 6th? Abdul:Whatever do you mean? Cascada:Well, I'm the 7th... Polnareff:????? Cascada:-sigh- Forget it. Joseph: He's got a bit of a personality problem, so it took a while to convince him to come.
Kakyoin: You know him, Abdul? Abdul: Yes... Quite well, in fact. Jotaro: Hold on. When you say an assistant, you're of course referring to a Stand user, right? Joseph: Yes... The user of a Stand called The Fool. Cascada:The Fool...!
You get this type of redundant line fairly often in translated works, where a loan word or phrase is immediately followed by an explanation of its meaning. They tend to stand out as a hallmark for when a translator is either doing it for free, phoning it in, or hasn't been given adequate resources by the client. Legends of Localization has a great article on the subject, as usual.
Polnareff: Don't act so tough! Abdul:I read the backlog! All you've managed is to defeat so far is an orangutan, a mall goth, and a rapist! The power scalers think you're a joke! Joseph: Hey, cut it out already! The door is opening!
Jotaro: So which one of you is the Stand user? Cascada:A name would be great, too. I have trouble telling you white people apart.
Jotaro: I said... which one of you is the Stand user? Is it you? Cascada:Which one do you mean? Jotaro:...I'm asking the questions here.
Jotaro: ? He's in the back seat? Doesn't seem like anyone's there.
Bluepoint Games are cowards for renaming the "Sticky White Stuff" in Demon's Souls to "Sticky White Slime" in their remake. Among other problems.
Joseph: Don't get any closer! Didn't I tell you he has a bad personality!? Abdul: Polnareff! You can't beat him.
Kakyoin: A dog!? Jotaro: Are you telling me this dog is...! Joseph: Yes! That dog is the user of The Fool!
We've already established that non-human creatures like orangutans or Joey can have Stands, so why not a dog?
Polnareff: D-dooooooog!! Joseph: His name is Iggy! He really likes to chew on people's hair. We're not sure where he was born, but we found him in New York. He had a bit of a reputation as the mutt that no dog catcher could capture.
I have never been a pet owner, but my understanding is just that all pets are like this.
Polnareff: You little shit! I'll teach you a lesson! Let's rumble!! Silver Chariot!
Kakyoin: A four-legged creature with a Native American headdress... Wait, the back legs are tires!! Now that I think of it, we did meet an orangutan Stand user in Singapore... Polnareff: I'll cut you to pieces!
Polnareff: Tch! It turned into sand! I... can't cut it!! O-oh shit!! It trapped my sword! I can't mooooove!! Abdul: To put it plainly, it's a Stand made of sand. Jotaro: Hm... Guess simple is best sometimes. I don't even think I could beat it... Iggy: Grrrrrrrr... Polnareff: Yikes!! H-help me out here! Ack! My hair!! C'mon! Get it off meeeeee!! Abdul: Do you have the stuff he likes?
Abdul: Goodness, he has a sharp sense of smell. He's already picked up on it! Cascada: What is that, Abdul? Abdul: Coffee-flavored chewing gum is Iggy's favorite. It's his biggest weakness. Cascada:Is that safe for dogs? Abdul:No. We give him six weeks left to live, at best. Kakyoin:O-oh...
PSA: Do not give your dogs chewing gum. If they aren't outright poisoned by the artificial sweeteners, they're liable to end up with intestinal blockage.
Joseph: He loves coffee gum, but he's not so much a fan of people. Abdul: At least take the wrapper off first! Kakyoin: Er... I dunno if he's going to help us. 💧 Jotaro: Give me a break. Polnareff: Damn it! My hair! We're taking him with us!? Over my dead body!
We've been on hiatus for a while, so a refresher on our Friendship Point goals: Jotaro won the Best Buds poll way back on Cohost, so we'll make sure to keep him in the lead at all times. I want to keep Polnareff below 10 and Joseph above 10 for the purposes of a later event. Thus, a +3 to Iggy's FP and -1 to Polnareff's sounds great right now.
Polnareff: Whaaaaat!? You're joking, right!? Cascada: To tell you the truth, I'm kind of a dog person. Here boy! Iggy: ............ Kakyoin: He's completely ignoring you...
Cascada: Tch... Cascada:I guess it's true that dogs eat dog food... Iggy: !! Cascada: ...?
Cascada:Aaand it's more school uniforms. Of course. Both:Perfect. Cascada:Give me a @#S% break... Joseph: ...Wait, before you go... About my daughter... How is Holly doing? Answer me honestly.
Jotaro: ......... Abdul: ...31 days, huh... Kakyoin: With that amount of time... Cascada: We should have just enough time to search Egypt! Polnareff: He's got no chance against us!
Joseph: !! 9 people, you say!?
Place your bets on how many updates it'll take us to get through all nine. I genuinely don't know yet myself. Hell, we'll round up and bet on how many updates it'll take before we defeat Dio and hit credits. I'll Venmo one American dollar to whomever gets closest.
Polnareff: So are they Stand users or not!? Kakyoin: What does this mean...? Abdul? Abdul: I... I don't understand....... I really don't... 9 people...? Cascada:Is it that big a deal? Abdul: Besides Dio, there shouldn't be any other tarot Stands left... Cascada: Could they be assassins, like the ones we encountered earlier? Kakyoin: But Dio doesn't seem the type to go through the trouble of inviting normal people to his mansion... Cascada:I meant all the other Stand-using creeps we've been fighting off this whole time. Kakyoin:Who? Cascada:Like that doll assho- ugh, look, never mind, forget it.
Hey, considering current pace, that's totally doable. We've gone through 17-ish (depending on how you're counting) within 19-ish days.
Joseph: You'll have to wait until his gum's flavor runs out, then lure him out with another piece. Iggy: Grrrrrr... Polnareff: All right, geez, I get it! Don't get mad! Damn it!
The game gives us an opportunity to save here. If the Brainstorm command didn't exist, it would be so easy to permanently screw yourself over like I did as a kid in Final Fantasy Tactics.
Abdul: It doesn't seem to have been attacked with conventional weapons. Kakyoin: It's like it just dropped out of the sky... Joseph:Speaking of... The Machine, do you still have...? Cascada:My burlap sack of explosives? Yeah. Pretty sure I put the nuke in there too. Joseph:...please be careful with that. Cascada:Hey, if someone else wants to handle everyone's collective money and inventory, step right up. Kakyoin:Err, no thank you... Jotaro:Sounds boring. Polnareff:I'm not touching anyone's dirty clothes!
Jotaro: Look! It's the pilot. ...He's dead. He left scratch marks on the side of the helicopter... Joseph: Don't get too close! This may be an ambush. Jotaro: ...! ...It's water. There's water running out of his mouth...? There's so much water... All this is coming out of his mouth...? ...No, it's from his lungs! There's even a fish!
Abdul: Hey, are you all right!? Polnareff: Hey! Hang in there!! What happened to you!?
Polnareff: What!? You need water!? Abdul, bring me that canteen! Abdul: Hey! Stay with us! Here's water! Drink it slowly...
It is of course a function of how these stories work and also often hilarious, but the main characters' total lack of awareness gets a bit eye-rolling at times.
Of the one or two of you reading this who aren't familiar with JoJo, did you expect these two guys to live? Be honest.
Now's a good a time as any to bring up Diesel, a single issue 1997 American knock-off of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. Despite having a completely different metaplot (as much as there can be in a single issue, anyway), the events themselves are pretty much identical to what happens in this update. There's something deeply comical about 90s-ass American comic book dudes talking about Stands.
Why this segment in particular? The writer of Diesel was referencing a fansubbed copy of the 1993 OVA adaptation of JoJo, which starts here before jumping ahead to the final showdown with Dio. Here's a panel from this very moment in the story:
Cascada: This Stand must've crashed the helicopter! Joseph: D-damn! The Foundation members had nothing to do with this... yet they were attacked! Abdul, did you see the Stand!? Abdul: No, only the hand... But it must still be in the water bottle! I never saw it come out! Who is the user...? One of the 9 people from Dio's mansion? But according to the tarot, there should only be The World left... Cascada:Are you still on that tarot card Stand shit!? I've been here the whole time! Abdul:Do not disrespect the tarot!! Joseph: Jotaro! Search for the user! Jotaro: Way ahead of you. But I'm not finding much...
Kakyoin: Polnareff. Attack the canteen. Polnareff: M-me...? B-but he pulled the pilot's head into that tiny water bottle... If I made a hole in it, then... -gulp-!
Polnareff:Cascada, you shoot it! Cascada:What? No way. Jotaro, use Star Finger! Jotaro:Hell no. Gramps, grab it with your Stand. Joseph:Forget it! Abdul, burn it! Abdul:I cannot tell what my fire may do to this water... Iggy, it is time to prove yourself as part of the group! Iggy:-grrrr- Kakyoin: ...? What's that sound?
Polnareff: Ah! Ka...! Kakyoin! Cascada: His eyes!
An assassin who controls water based in the Sahara? Seems like a real feast or famine gig.
Cascada:I give you permission to say something weirdly misogynist just this once!
This is a good ol' hopeless boss fight. As per usual, you can kill it for a Badge of Honor, but it's unreasonably difficult. The Water Claw has ridiculously high speed and defense.
Cascada's brand new attack does a fair bit of damage, but we can't keep up sustained fire, even with Polnareff dumping SP restoratives down Cascada's throat.
Also, it's got a one-hit kill move.
We'll let the game have its way this time.
(beep-beep-beep-beep-beep!)
Jotaro:If it was a TAG Heuer, it woulda survived... Abdul: That's it! He's detecting us using sound!
Polnareff: A-a-a-aaauuuggghhh!! Abdul:IT'S USING SOUND! BE QUIET, POLNAREFF!! Joseph: I'm pulling them in! Cascada: I-it dove under the sand...
Polnareff: H-how is Kakyoin? Jotaro: Not good... He may lose his vision permanently. Start the car. We need to get him to a doctor. Cascada:...Shouldn't we stop talking out loud...? Joseph:Absurd. Keep narrating everything you're doing.
???: They're catching on quick... They must know I use sound to track them. ...Heh heh... Unfortunately, it won't help them one bit...
N'Dour: (He's predicting my Stand's attacks with that nose of his... It must know that I, N'Dour, am somewhere 2 1/2 miles west of them... What should I do...? Eliminate that dog first?) Abdul: A-aauuggh! I-I'm slipping! Polnareff: Move to the back of the car! Iggy: Zzz... -snrk-... Zzz... N'Dour: (Heh heh... Nah. I'll leave him be.)
Joseph:Ready, everyone? Like we practiced... 1, 2... All: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuggghhh!!
Joseph:Kakyoin, you didn't join in! You ruined it! Polnareff:He's still unconscious and bleeding out! Joseph:I didn't jump into a snowy ravine and make a rope out of icicles during the war to take lip from you, kid.
Joseph: (Can't make...) Jotaro: (A sound...) N'Dour: (Heh heh... It's too late to keep quiet... I already know where you landed. Hm!?)
I've touched on the subject of how Stand battles evolve over time before, and this is a good example. The enemy Stand can't simply be defeated in a pure contest of strength; the heroes have to figure out how it works and use the tools they have at their disposal to gain the advantage.
Abdul:Magician's Red!
Joseph: A-Abdul...! Abdul: So... so strong... Cascada: Abduuuul!!
Well, he had a good second run while he lasted.
N'Dour: (I'll have to listen more carefully from now on. Those "steps" must've been rings or some such... And these burns... That must've been Abdul. He's collapsed...) N'Dour: Let me put you out of your misery, Abdul! Polnareff: A-Abdul!! Joseph: Ah!! Polnareff: J-Jotaro!
N'Dour:(Still, I should be careful... I've heard of the Joestar Family Secret Technique...) Joseph: (Oh! It dove back into the sand! It's going after Jotaro! It's a good thing Abdul isn't being attacked further, but... H-he's gaining on him!) N'Dour: (They say that Jotaro's Star Platinum is the most feared Stand of all... If I eliminate him, Lord Dio will surely be pleased! I'll put my entire mind and body into defeating Jotaro!)
Iggy: -snort- Jotaro: Gimme a break, you... You hopped out of the car before the enemy attacked... So you can sniff out where they're gonna strike from, right? Joseph: Don't just stand there, Jotaro! Keep running! What are you doing!? Jotaro: All right... Help me out here Iggy. Tell me where the enemy is! If I get attacked now, you'll die, too! Sorry, but I don't have any gum to give you... Iggy: Au...... Awooooooooooooooo!!
Jotaro:(Star Platinum with wheels and wings would be badass...) Joseph: It looks like he's okay for now... It looks like he's going to keep flying through the air and use the dog to locate the Stand user...! As long as he can find the user, he should be able to beat it!
Every time Jotaro drops here, there's a bit of screenshake to hide the sprites despawning and respawning. Clever.
Based on what I've heard from dog owners, the animals just fart constantly all day long without a care in the world. Granted, so do most humans. We just don't talk about it in polite society.
Jotaro: Whatever... Looks like I'll have to kick off the ground and give you a little push... Jotaro:(If I'd known this would happen, I would have fed you some beans for the extra propulsion.) Iggy: -pant, pant, pant- Yip! -pant-
It doesn't come up very often, but Star Platinum can kick almost as well as it punches.
N'Dour: (...I see. So that dog's Stand... can glide through the air? ...And it's heading in my direction! Jotaro... I'll have to do something about him before he reaches me...) Polnareff: Ack!! That Stand's going after Jotaro now! He must have heard that kick! W-what should we do, Mr. Joestar!?
Cascada:We're all going to have to make some sacrifices to defeat Dio! All:NO!! Cascada:Killjoys.
Sure, I wanted to dramatically blow Joey to hell, but the main reason I grinded like a freak was to get this snippet of dialogue on camera. It is completely unreasonable to naturally be at level 45 at this point outside of NG+.
Several player Stands get unique dialogue here, and a couple are long-range enough to directly assist in the upcoming boss fight. Alas, Quicksilver isn't one of them.
Jotaro: He's using the sound! It's like the sonar in a submarine! N'Dour: I can hear you, Jotaro! I've figured out your exact position and height!! Shoot to kill!
Perhaps it is a slight on my Let's Player's Honor, but we can't deal with this one either. It's just a bit too likely for the Water Claw's OHKO move to hit Iggy and force a game over.
Iggy drops straight down, dragging Jotaro across the sand!
N'Dour: Bwahahahahahaha!! He's a smart one! He's dropping Jotaro right in my Stand's grasp, all to save himself! Jotaro: S-stop, you shitty dog! N'Dour: You found quite an ally in that selfish dog, Jotaro! This is the end, Jotaro... And Iggy, you have my thanks! Die!! Jotaro:There's only one way to fix this...
Jotaro: You'd better both get your Stands out now if you don't want to take the brunt of the collision. Jotaro:I threw that dog so hard it could pierce a half-inch of steel plate... N'Dour: (This force... Not good! It's coming right for me! I'll have to withdraw my Stand from Jotaro's location!)
N'Dour: (N-not bad, Jotaro... I never expected you to throw the dog... Damn! I was just one shot away from stopping Jotaro for good... Ah!!)
N'Dour: (Where are you!? Where!? He has to be close! Where are you hiding!?) Iggy: Yip! N'Dour: Ah!! I see... You were much closer than I even thought... If I didn't retrieve my Stand to protect myself, you'd have attacked me from the back already... Jotaro:Doesn't matter. Bet I could out-punch water anyway... N'Dour:Care to find out?
He places it straight up, and lets it slowly fall over...
As far as I recall, Jotaro is seen sans hat only three times across the whole series. The first is in that first chapter of Part 3, where he's in a jail cell. Right here is the second. I don't recall if we see the third in this game.
Jotaro: What!? His own Stand... Why!? N'Dour: Jotaro... you... were planning on getting me to divulge information about the other 8 Stand users, were you not... Jotaro:Nah, I don't give a shit about them. I just wanted to slowly torture you for attacking my hat. N'Dour:...oh...
Jotaro: ...Dio!! Why do you follow him blindly! Even when it means death... N'Dour: Jotaro. I'm not afraid to die... Heh heh... Because of my Stand, I never feared death even as a child... I could kill anyone, and the police wouldn't be able to do a thing... I'm sure that dog knows what I'm talking about... Iggy:-grrrrrr-
N'Dour:I can remember EVERY DETAIL about our first meeting... Jotaro:Give me a @#S% break...
N'Dour: I'll tell you one thing only... My name is N'Dour. My Stand is symbolized by the inspiration for tarot... the 9 Egyptian gods of prosperity! Jotaro: Egyptian gods!? What are you talking about!? N'Dour: Hahaha... That's all... I can tell you... You've defeated my Stand... So I'll give you that honor...
The thing about Egyptian gods inspiring tarot is somewhere in-between only nominally true and an outright lie. Playing cards in general originated in China and spread westward, with Europe getting ahold of the concept via trade with the Mamluk Sultanate (~13th century Egypt). Supposedly, the oldest surviving set of playing cards originates from that area.
What we think of as "tarot" these days - so, the Major Arcana and whatnot - originated in Renaissance Italy. Artists were commissioned to make fancy decks of cards with stylized depictions of gods or other concepts. During the Italian Wars, this style of card spread to France and became relatively standardized as the "Tarot of Marseilles".
Don't I fucking know it. I don't even want to think about how much work the rest of this LP will take.
Jotaro:...Explains a lot about The Machine, actually... Jotaro: Hey. Iggy. Want some gum? Iggy: Rrrrrrr... Jotaro: Don't get mad. I said I was sorry.
To this, Iggy runs offscreen.
...and runs right back!
Iggy: (grin) Jotaro: I-it's... gum... There's gum on the brim... Iggy: -snicker- Jotaro: This dog... Is really something else... Joseph: Heeeey!! Jotaro! Polnareff: Jotaro! Are you all right!? Cascada: Where's the enemy!? Iggy: Awoooooo!
