Obsidian Moonshine

Site	Description
The Glorio Blog	Anime, manga, games, tokusatsu, podcasts. We do it all over there
Concept Art and Anime Bullshit	Peyton Gee, mechanical artist & Glorio comrade
Retroversy	Aquagaze, Glorio comrade
Jel's Website	Jel, Glorio comrade
it's ben one week	Yotsuben, graphic designer, video editor, podcaster
Blueberry Lemonade	Kyle Labriola, artist/dev/writer
	Jama, TTRPG fiend
	Renkon, gamer and writer
	Renkon's zine about Japanese indie games
Shmupulations	Japanese game dev translations
Kimimi The Game-Eating She-Monster	Long-form writing on games
Explorations in Translation	Game script translation comparisons
Cosmic Warlord Kin-Bright	The only space opera epic poem I know of
Broken Words	LiteraryWizard, writer and TTRPGer
	Lena Raine, composer and game dev
	Aurahack, artist
Connor Sheri Shaw	Sheri, journalist and artist
Calliope's Magic Garden	Calliope, writer and teacher
enceledean	Nic Tringali, game dev
Permanent Reset	PermanentReset, writer
	TTRPG designer
Breadthcharge	Nire Bryce, writer and activist
The Transsexual Chofetz Chaim	Shel, writer and activist
	Jae, former CEO of Cohost
Musing from Lythos	Artix, Let's Player
Bigg's Blog	Bigg, 18+ game dev
	MegaMasterX, game dev
	surasshu, composer
	Curi Lagann, artist, animator, illustrator
Updated Autopsy Report	A podcast / Let's Play going through the entire Ace Attorney series.
	Damien, software engineer
Mimidoshima	Kastel, writer, game dev, translator

Storage

2024-09-17T21:19:27.245Z

Put something here already, would ya?

Tales from the Feed, 2026-4

2026-04-30T17:14:42.904Z

January 2026
February 2026
March 2026

People allegedly liked my Cohost compilation posts at the time and I think it's good to share sometimes. Though since this isn't Cohost anymore, I'm slow at looking at my RSS feed (these ain't even all from my RSS feed), and I hate looking at bsky, there's probably just going to be way fewer/smaller posts on these. Oh well.

Please comment with anything else you think was good, I am going to naturally miss a ton of stuff that simply doesn't reach me

The Threat of the small business brain

When you operate in that space, where it might be possible for you to escape the threat of imminent poverty, it is so tempting to just do it, right? To take it all and then yell at your government, because of the taxes that might put you back into the danger zone. The big businesses could eat these extra costs, without risking everything, but you? You can't! It's existential!

Using RPG Maker MV/MZ on a Budget

This is only a sliver of the options in the set. I focused on combat here, but of course there’s way more: more control over UI, menus, text boxes, character and NPC movement on the overworld, and the switches/variables the game uses to remember things that have happened.
And, just to reiterate, the features I listed above are completely free. No need to get tempted by the shiny paid plugins.

My Year as the Killjoy

What is the point of independent publications if they employ the same white men to sell cool cover art and write the same industry boosterism? If the outlets with the most subscribers advocate for slop or the sites with the most progressive headlines excuse themselves from culpability? For all their play, these writers have such small imaginations. All I see is a games media recreating an image of an idealized past.

Thoughts on Quake Maps for Hardcore Players... I think?

But hardcore Quake maps are like learning Latin and having a conversation in Italian: I know the roots, but I've been left entirely out of a long period of evolution in the understanding of the language that's being spoken here. It's not that they're hard; it's that I straight up don't understand them.

What the world needs now...

Most people can probably agree that constructive, laser-focused, specific criticism of stuff is helpful and preferred over just baseless dunking on something. I feel like it's less often that I see really specific, nuanced praise for stuff. People rarely reflect on why they love something, or how they love it, and how that may be personal to them versus how it might be part of any sort of “objective” traits about the thing.

Games as a Restaurant

The reason I'm mentioning this, is because I think that this very specific perspective is harmful. If we only ever think of games as Restaurants, then all we will ever get are Restaurants. In this environment, the only new ideas that people can come up with, will be new ways for both players and designers to mutually exploit each other.

Some things to consider when looking for video game translators

"Fuzzies" are what we call repeating lines in a text. The translation software saves them in the Translation Memory and, if that line shows up again, it pulls the previous translation or tries to jigsaw parts of it in a line that seems close enough, so the translator only has to change a few words around instead of writing it all from scratch. Most of the time, companies don't pay the full rate for these lines.

🪴 So I bought a Venus flytrap...

Where I had assumed Venus flytraps preferred the shade, it turns out they need full sunlight, preferably up to twelve hours a day (!!), and getting it filtered through the window glass wasn’t going to cut it. Not only that, but the mossy, fertile soil that it had come with was actually terrible for the plant. It needs a mix of unenriched peat moss and perlite, and proper draining, i.e. not the little terrarium glass that it came in. And finally, it needs distilled water or rainwater and cannot handle the kitchen tap water.

The Value Of My Time And Effort

What is my time worth? Not a lot, sometimes. Quite a lot other times. And I usually don’t know which of those is true until I’ve picked the wrong one and am upset about it.

One of the Coolest Unsung Entries in the Mobile Suit Gundam Franchise is a Stage Play

The play takes the gamble that the "cool robot" doesn't need to be seen if the pilots are emoting properly - but they go a step further having them sitting in sick-ass chairs that are being spun around and pushed by stagehands dressed in black to try and remain invisible, and the pilot actors themselves swing swords and aim weapons, recreating the mech combat as close as they can. (The audio crew also deserves a shoutout here because the use of sound effects from the show is key). Comparing it to like, wheelchair jousting wouldn't be too far off tbh.

Is XP Debt Evil Game Design

Obviously, while I'm a big proponent of Evil Games, I do think that putting players into -24,000 XP debt 20 minutes into the game is a bit mean. However, this entire sequence is the result of the game's systems just working as they were built, and I'm also very committed to letting my system's "do their thing" after I set them up.

Practical notes on blank verse

Of course, you can mix things up further by putting the caesura after beat 1 or before beat 5, by throwing in headless lines (/x/x/x/x/) or lines with initial inversion (/xx/x/x/x/), and by making sure some lines run straight through with no heavy pause at all. Ideally, you will do all these things for some better reason than merely to avoid monotony!

I Found It: The Best Free Restaurant Bread in America

A man from Boston overhears me asking another stranger the question in an elevator, and cuts in: "Any restaurant you walk in, in the North End, is the best bread." I ask him to name one. "Any of them," he says. "Pick one," I encourage. The man grows furious: "Any of them!"

Tales from the Feed, 2026-3

2026-04-01T03:50:54.647Z

January 2026
February 2026

Please comment with anything else you think was good, I am going to naturally miss a ton of stuff that simply doesn't reach me

Marathon, Reprise

Marathon's heroes and kits teach you that the primary mode of interaction with the world is not "exist as a person" but engage. There is no peaceful way to use a shoulder-mounted missile and, maybe more cynically, there is no good reason to assume that a gamer will look at a button with an ability and not just press it when given the chance. It's free. It has a cooldown, but in a game of punishing pertinence to its weaponry, these are the one thing you will always and forever have. You are given a language to speak with and it's not proximity chat. The game is not literally telling you to be hostile but how does it facilitate other venues? Does it make encounters less frequent, emphasizing how risky it would be to die after so much progress made? Does it provide you with gestures or signage to immediately show amnesty if you don't have a microphone plugged in? Are you given opportunities to organically work with other players as often as you're given opportunities to fight them?

'How can I be more creative?'

When I wake up in the morning I don't want to be a writer, I want to write. I don't care for the glittering prizes; I care about having written. Well, on a good day. On a bad day, I wake up wanting the sweet release of death, but if all of us were measured by our bad days, none of us would stand.

The Vibes of SimCity

And especially with SimCity 3000, you get such a dopamine hit from seeing huge plots develop with vibrant green, perfectly-manicured lawns that you happily ignore how much you're being rewarded for gentrification. It's so satisfying seeing these huge, glistening skyscrapers pop up in your downtown area that you don't concentrate on how much the abstraction favors Reagan-era economics.

Practicing Radical Acceptance Of The Fact That I Should Stop Radically Accepting Things

A lot of the conflict comes from the fact that people have difficult holding seemingly contradictory beliefs in their head. After all, it is difficult to square "I can't accept that this is the way my life is" with "I can't expect to get the results I want." You have to be able to hold both those true ideas in your head and find the will to keep acting, to keep creating and striving for a better world.

The 49MB Web Page

Viewability and time-on-page are very important metrics these days. Every hostile UX decision originates from this single fact. The longer you're trapped on the page, the higher the CPM the publisher can charge. Your frustration is the product. No wonder engineers and designers make every UX decision that optimizes for that. And you, the reader, are forced to interact, wait, click, scroll multiple times because of this optimization. Not only is it a step in the wrong direction, it is adversarial by design.

Is the re-sale of game items good for the consumer?

I could take a box of Labubus and sew them into a sweater to keep me warm in the winter if I really wanted to. They're made of real-world material. A kid could take their old Pokemon cards, make a papier-mâché mask, and use it for a school project. So, regardless of whether you like Labubus or Pokemon cards, you can at least say you're getting something substantial and real out of the transaction that you can use however you want.

🫧 On Bubbles

To start with: the whole "why are people talking about X and not Y?" argument is pretty moot when you're running a subscriber-funded website that is neither beholden to SEO nor advertisers. Like, if you want to talk about other games besides the major releases, you can just do that, y'know. Be the games media you want to see in the world.

games in the real world

There is a strain of paternalism common to some of the most established writers in games criticism remaining, one that regularly asserts that whatever rabble-rouser is troubling the discourse today is part of a normal cycle of people who are either thinking too hard, or not deeply enough. That their steady hand at the till is a sign of a correct approach, and the troublemakers fading as usual is a sign of this lesson being learned.

Metaphor: ReFantazio: quick notes about its Brazilian translation

Obviously, Brazil never went through the Middle Ages, because back then, nobody from Europe even knew Brazil existed, and the indigenous people in what's currently Brazilian territory were doing their own thing. After colonization, Portugal did create some titles, but Brazil, as a colony, was pretty much left to its own devices, so that didn't mean much. Like, yeah, someone from the other side of the ocean gave you a title, but what are you gonna do with it? It's not like there's any royalty to impress nearby or make alliances or whatever. Only after the Portuguese royal court moved to Brazil (while fleeing from Napoleon) and made Rio de Janeiro the empire's capital, titles kinda meant something, although the king was in so much debt that he gave titles away left and right for money. Still, those were Portuguese titles, not Brazilian.

More notes on rhyme

An example like foreseen also shows how you can semi-coin more handy words by shoving prepositions onto the fronts of other words: you can get away with something like forth-stride, say, or down-thrown. Probably. This sort of productive use of prepositions as suffixes on verbs seems to have been more common in Old English and Middle English than it is today.

make bad art

The best part about this sort of DIY ethos is it's viral. Making art appeals to some primal part of our beings; there is nothing that feels better than going out there and creating something, loudly and unapologetically. Art is play; art is expressing your soul; art is connection. And this is what makes what humans make valuable; not that it's more aesthetically pleasing than what the slop armies can produce, but because it is human. Every bad drawing, every shitty haiku, every poem that doesn't scan, every stupid melody we hum to our cats, is participating in the great conversation that has been ongoing since we started telling each other stories and painting in caves.

Forget Spreadsheets, I Wrote My Own Visual Game Script Editor

The traditional approach, in both professional localizations and fan translations, involves working in a spreadsheet with access to the original language and translation side by side. (In fan translations, it's not even rare to work by editing raw text files.) It’s not the most convenient or fun to be writing entirely within a spreadsheet though, especially when there are technical constraints to be thinking about. This game has a strict character limit per line and a maximum of three lines per text box, and I found myself wishing for a nice way to visualize how text will look in-game so I can ensure what I’m writing will actually look good in-game. A spreadsheet just wasn't going to cut it. But then, of course, I realized… I am a programmer. Why don’t I just write my own? So I did.

A Deadzone of living games Remake

So, releasing a videogame on Steam in 2026 isn't really just about making the game itself and trying to get games media to cover it. It involves an entire mountain of arcane systems and social norms you have to navigate, social systems you need to engage with, that only care about the engagement and not the content of said engagement and because it is so opaque, there's no way of knowing if your poor sales are because you made a mistake, or because you were just unlucky.

Tales from the Feed, 2026-2

2026-03-01T15:50:03.760Z

January 2026

Please comment with anything else you think was good, I am going to naturally miss a ton of stuff that simply doesn't reach me

Waste is for the Dead

We all might turn to waste, once our lives end and some of us might end up in a cardboard box on a shelve somewhere in a few hundred years. The sad reality of life is that it ends eventually. But life itself is not defined by the waste you leave in your wake. It is the stories we tell each other. The evenings we spend talking in the kitchen, while preparing dinner. It's the kitchen cabinets with the strangely crooked doors. It's the Moments where we, together, imagine a world that isn't ruled by the Kings of Garbage.

Six thousand words on The Seven Part Pact

In the game, we all have a phrase we are responsible for reminding the other players of throughout play. Mine was "All Wizards Are Men", and I was in charge of enforcing the masculinity of the wizards we were playing - reminding other players to play their characters with masculinity, that we are part of a patriarchy, and that what being a man in the patriarchy means is that you need to maintain your position within it, and that violence is a tool for maintaining your position. I would say that the game is not especially interested in the ways that masculinity can be a positive force.

On Boredom

Whenever I have my smartphone with me, I feel the urge. I feel the urge to pull it out, check it. Maybe someone sent me a message? Maybe I'm slightly bored right now, and want a distraction. Surely it won't hurt to just pull it out for a few moments? These thoughts were always there, always tugging at me. It's like The One Ring from Lord of the Rings, in that way. While it's with me, there's always some part of my brain that wants to pull it out, check in on it, use it.

LLM Slop Will Make Us Antisocial - Ruminations on IFComp 2025

But the rise of LLM slop threatens that harmony: we cannot extend our good faith and time into critiquing these games when there's so many of them. There's too much low quality crap and these LLM users don't care about this exercise; they just want to be treated the same like other artists who spent years honing their craft. They don't care about us, they care about them and only them.

A Dialogue with Austin Walker

And I don't mean good taste/bad taste. I mean you can't tell what it tastes like on your tongue anymore, you just know what the ingredients are and you know how to talk about the ingredients. And you can make a convincing, clear argument about what's happening. You can describe something that is happening. And it's not wrong, but it isn't driven by the thing that I think marked my criticism in the mid-2010s, which was, first step, How does it hit your tongue? What is it doing to me? How am I engaged in that way?

Cut By My Own Wit–These Familiar Horizons Stab Into My Heart

Everyone was talking about it. Everyone was buying Switches about it. We were all stuck at home, unable to visit each other, isolated, and struggling to adapt to our suddenly altered world, so we did what we'd been doing our whole lives. We escaped. We left our cluttered, suddenly-so-silent lives and escaped to a small island in the middle of an unspecified ocean that we were going to help noted entreprenuer Tom Nook develop into an escape for the people tired of their lives in cities and so on. We built our little camps, we got into debt to have a nicer house, and we visited each other.

Link, Please!

Links are not poison. Links are literally the internet. The internet is links. If we lose that, we lose a little more control, a little more freedom, and everything gets a little more closed off.

The Art of Haunting

It was strange to be presented with this depiction of oneself that was so confident and yet so wrong. I am not a paranormal investigator, nor do I make it my business to expose frauds. I've never been visited by the ghost of an artist, and I've never been moved by any paranormal experience to make a documentary about it. But the guy who emailed me, at least, was satisfied that this was me. For him, the ChatGPT record was enough.

I saw "Pirates Dinner Adventure" in Buena Park, California

PDA advertises itself as the "most" interactive dinner theater production. I ended up getting asked to participate in the show two separate times. The first time was silly, but not un-fun. I, my husband, and a third audience member had to run up to the edge of the stage and play a little game to compete against the other teams. (We lost.) The second time I was asked to participate, it was some kind of... gender-segregated march?

"token anxiety"; or, a slot machine by any other name

many have already observed that coding agents, which require constant attention and often generate low-quality code with (by design) random results, are a slot machine. they are loot boxes. they are gambling. you are constantly pulling the lever and hoping you get the SSR SaaS Passive Income product. you will not get this, but maybe you will. just one more prompt, one more pull, one more revision, one more go at being Absolutely Right.

I Think I Miss Sequels

When sequels come out (even for films and books), you can ignore the ones you hate and just stick to the original. With video games, the original is actually patched and changed forever by the creators. It's a different relationship to the art, one where you're nudged away from re-visiting how it used to be. The developers' process of iterations aren't chunked out into separate games, but all mixed together into the same game.

Generative AI is probably here to stay (not that I like it!)

Because we all settle for the good-enough, the good-enough matters more than the excellent. This effect intensifies in any commercial, mass-audience field. In such fields, we must assume an easy majority of the audience lack taste and have no eye for craft. I say this without contempt: again, in most spheres I sit firmly in the part of the audience that lacks taste and has no eye for craft.

Tales from the Feed, 2026-1

2026-02-01T15:29:06.945Z

People allegedly liked my Cohost compilation posts at the time and I think it's good to share sometimes. Though since this isn't Cohost anymore, I'm slow at looking at my RSS feed, and I hate looking at bsky, probably just going to be way fewer/smaller posts on these. Oh well. Also didn't think to start doing this until a few weeks into January but whatever.

Please comment with anything else you think was good, I am going to naturally miss so much stuff*

Thoughts on Planes

By now it is clear that you won't save the world in these games. I mean you will, but only in the short-term. The motion of history that burned Belka to the ground marches forward and razes Usea. You can stop Stonehenge, but Megalith is being built by people still caught up in the fever of patriotism. You can even stop that, too, but what of Arkbird? Solg? As long as the world is divided into nations it will be united in warfare.

(Re)creating a techno-nationalist elite

Greer grounds his criticisms in the history of the US after the Civil War, a war that demonstrated the industrial superiority of the North and bound together as a coherent class those whose efforts were key to creating that superiority. They were the seeds of a “techno-nationalist elite” that went on to make the US the preminent world power and create the modern world we take for granted, a world so different from what came before that in retrospect we can see the year 1870 as the “hinge of human history.”

Went to Elephant Hill Open Space

The amount of chaos that locals have been putting up with is completely insane - there are stories in that article about people waking up to find a car almost sliding into the back of their house, or to find injured offroaders threatening them in their back yards. It sounds completely nuts. I have no idea if it's gotten better or worse since 2022, but if you want to imagine what I was experiencing this week, just imagine me going further and further up the hill and noticing more and more deep deep tire tracks and thinking, "oh boy, this isn't maintenance!!"

Will AI Pet My Dog for Me?

It's uncomfortable that some skills I've honed over years are becoming less valuable. But code has fussy syntax, boring parts, and boilerplate. It's exciting to have agents that can take my code on its afternoon walk.
It's more uncomfortable to be able to skip the understanding. For me, that’s petting the dog.

High style

Though English remained in written use through the eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth centuries, it may not often have risen to high style. Lawman (Laȝamon) seems to construct something of the sort in his Brut, but I suspect that for a writer like Thomas of Hales, high style was a matter for Latin and perhaps French.

re: re: no one has any hobbies now/ the 4 types of blog

But, spending the time to search for sites, or get lost down rabbit holes, is something that's like a muscle - you need to work on it to get better at it. It's a hard change at first, especially if you're more used to TikTok. But, god, I think it's worth doing. It makes the web such a nicer place to be.

The End of Super Sentai was an Embarrassment for All

2026-02-10T19:34:53.070Z

The current Super Sentai show is (was, seeing as it just ended) No.1 Sentai Gozyuger, labelled as the big 50th anniversary show. The qualifiers on this statement are multilayered:

"50" in Japanese is pronounced "go zyu".
- Aside: if you thought "wait, what?" to this statement then I invite you to look up the differences between Nihon-shiki, Kunrei-shiki, and Hepburn romanization.
It has been about 50 years since 1975's Gorenger, the original Super Sentai.
- However, Gorenger ran longer than the usual 1 year, JAKQ ran less, and they took a break from 1977-1979 to make Spider-Man instead.
- Thus, this is the 49th show.
- 2019's show was Thief Sentai Lupinranger VS Police Sentai Patranger, which they choose to count as two teams for the purposes of making the numbers line up.
Toei announced that Super Sentai was going on ice after this due to flagging toy sales (and almost certainly some other quiet legal weirdness with Hasbro and the Power Rangers brand).
- Aside: Let me be clear. I am under no illusions that they won't revive it the second the notion becomes profitable. But let us operate as though there will be no Super Sentai for the foreseeable future.

So, with the context of this being the Last Hurrah for the metaseries, surely they'd go out with a bang, right? Right?

Short answer: No.
Long answer: I think this show might be worse than the one that was literally 90% green-screen.

Gozyuger was already flagging for a while due to its inconsistent characterization, sauceless main cast (with the notable exception of Daisuke Sambongi's character, Fire Candle), and lack of meaningful metaplot. Main writer Akiko Inoue (nepo baby of noted tokusatsu screenwriter Toshiki Inoue, himself nepo baby of noted tokusatsu screenwriter Masaru Igami) has proven that she's great at chaotic one-off comedy episodes and seemingly helpless tying anything into a coherent whole.

And then there's that whole business...

You can investigate the particulars of why this happened on your own time; frankly I think it's a disgrace on part of Toei and the agency. As for the show itself, it was 37 out of 49 episodes deep, and the bulk of the remainder had already been filmed. The resulting edits and pick-ups are rough.

Consider the following. For an entire normal season's worth of episodes, every group shot has to be cropped or zoomed so the original actress is out of frame. If the new actress needs to do anything, we either cut to a shot obviously filmed separately or just straight up composite her in with green screen. Toei could not even be assed to reshoot the traditional helmets-off roll call in the final episode.

The final episode of all Super Sentai.

It is not often something makes me feel such deep embarrassment on every possible level. I feel embarrassed having enjoyed early episodes. I feel embarrassed for everyone involved in production and how they had to cobble together such a mess of a show at the worst possible time. I feel embarrassed for the cultural institution of Super Sentai, which must exist in the sociopolitical environment where the entire entertainment industry is run by idiots and assholes.

What a fuckin' way to go out.

I wish Kamen Rider Gavv was a little less weird

2024-09-18T03:48:49.114Z

I like me some Kamen Rider sometimes, and the new one is Gavv. On one hand, the plot being about aliens who turn people into evil jelly and eat them is actually pretty solid so far (three episodes in) but I hate pretty much all of the aesthetic. This is the most obnoxious belt in years and I'm still just kind of weirded out by the loop where Gavv eats a snack and cums out the little pikmin creatures which he then eats with his belt mouth to transform. I dunno man.

#tokusatsu

Fate strange Fake First Impressions

2026-01-06T03:08:06.900Z

We are so back.

The most crucial element of Fate/strange Fake is that it predates most other spinoffs: it's pre-Grand Order, pre-Apocrypha, pre-Extra. Fate/strange Fake originally hails from the days of 2008, mere months after the original Fate/Zero light novels finished their run. It started as a one-off April Fools' joke, a glimpse of Ryohgo Narita's idea for a Fate spinoff. It detailed a pseudo-sequel featuring a corrupted Holy Grail War, far removed from the context and limitations of the original. Only in 2015 did it start to get a full-on light novel, and only now is it getting an anime adaptation.

If you've read any of my other posts on Fate, then maybe you understand that this gives Fate/strange Fake a specific vibe. It's of the time when my interest in the franchise was at its peak; a time before Type-Moon formally cordoned Fate and Tsukihime into separate boxes, a time before Grand Order fully gacha-fied the Servant concept, a time where one could reasonably have read/watched everything there was to the franchise. A time where it felt like there was infinite possibility.

Combine that with Ryohgo Narita's signature madcap, maximalist storytelling (as seen in Baccano! and Durarara!!) and the result is a total mess. A beautiful, wonderful mess. Fate/strange Fake tackles the idea of "figures from history and legend as summoned Servants" with a rakish audacity, interpreting the Grail War's "rules" even more loosely. Even after the hour-long Whispers of Dawn prologue special and a first episode proper, the show has barely begun to set up all the pieces. Yet it already feels like the bomb is ticking and everything might explode at any moment.

If you're a casual Fate fan, you can appreciate the absurdity of it all. If you're a franchise sicko, you can catch all the bizarre references Narita slips into every layer. If you're a newcomer... I have no idea what you might think, but hopefully you'll at least be entertained. For now, I certainly am.

Fall 2024 Anime Season (What I'm Watching)

2024-10-23T03:24:32.615Z

As usual we go more in-depth on The Glorio Chat podcast but I figured I'd give a quick rundown of shows I'm sticking with this season.

Continuing

Bakuage Sentai Boonboomger

Kingohger was interesting and ambitious but also a complete mess and looked like shit. Boonboomger has been A Totally Normal Sentai with dumb monsters and melodramatic plots and has been consistently great so far. Also has the coolest super mode in years.

Kamen Rider Gavv

Wrote some stuff on it previously, and I still broadly feel that way. The tough thing about Gavv is that so far, the plot stuff has been pretty solid, but every time the belt starts playing circus music I want to turn the show off immediately. Has potential but still too early to tell.

Pokemon Horizons

A major arc where the main trio was hanging out on their own just ended and we seem to be resuming The Plot, which is by far the least interesting part of Horizons. There are also way too many bad guys who are all meant to be part of the same evil organization. Still, it's trucking along as usual.

Sengoku Youko

The anime had a serious dip in quality for the middle arc and is picking back up for the finale, but the pacing simply cannot recover. Please just read the manga instead. Mizukami does not deserve this.

New

Uzumaki

Big yikes. Much has been said about this already (since it's only four episodes and finished airing) and I don't have much to add. Junji Ito's "impossible to adapt" streak continues.

Dandadan

The Shonen Jump heavyweight this season. Science Saru is an inspired choice for this based on what I've seen. The character dynamics are great, but that's only just enough to keep me aboard because I'm so ground down by shonen battle manga.

Dragon Ball Daima

I don't hate it, and I like how it boots Super to the curb (I am spiritually an old man and do not care for anything in Super). I also lived through Dragon Ball GT, so real judgement is withheld until I can get a handle on the actual vibes rather than just the setup.

Mecha-Ude

Great fun; afterschool weekdays on Toonami vibes. It breaks no new ground whatsoever, but plays all the hits with a knowing wink and an eye for solid sight gags.

Thunderbolt Fantasy Season 4

We are so fucking back. Thunderbolt Fantasy is an absolute treasure and continues to be so; nothing else on this list makes me hoot and holler in the same way. Unfortunately Crunchyroll has not deigned to license this season so we've had to make do with janky fansubs.

Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online II

The only good SAO by virtue of being the only one about people playing a video game rather than some death game wish fulfillment bullshit. I watched Season 1 mostly to support Studio 3Hz, but they've been fully absorbed into A-1 at this point. I watched three episodes and I don't think I care to watch more.

WING-MAN

Adapting an old tokusatsu themed manga as an actual tokusatsu is a fun choice, and Koichi Sakamoto knows what he's doing. Nothing amazing here so far, but I'll keep an eye out.

Mobile Suit Gundam: Requiem for Vengeance

A lot to unpack here; listen to the podcast for much more detailed gripes. Feels weirdly uncritical of the Space Fascists and even worse is simply just boring to watch.

The Backlog

Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex

I have never seen any Ghost in the Shell before (not even the movies) so it's interesting to experience something so foundational. It's been 20 years and anime as a whole has still not progressed beyond the quality of CG in this show.

Planetes

I enjoyed Vinland Saga, so Makoto Yukimura's previous work was a natural progression. With GitS I feel the weight of everything else that took bits and pieces from it, but there's really nothing else like Planetes. It really makes you feel how Space is beautiful, terrifying, and everything in between.

#anime #tokusatsu #tv #manga #

Basic Andor Thoughts From Someone Who Doesn't Particularly Like Star Wars (Spoilers)

2024-09-17T17:27:10.881Z

(originally posted November 25, 2022)

My own relationship with Star Wars is that I was in elementary school and middle school when the prequels were happening - the perfect age for that, honestly; I still use a cheap plush blanket that has Episode 3 all over it, it's a perfectly good blanket okay - and once those ran their course, I was mostly good. I played KOTOR 2 a couple times, mostly because I like Obsidian rather than Star Wars. I saw the sequel trilogy and more recent movie spinoffs thought they ranged from solid (The Last Jedi, Rogue One) to outright bad (Solo, Rise of Skywalker). I finally played the original KOTOR just recently. I've ignored most of the Disney+ stuff.

This is to say, I've settled into a sort of indifference-learning-towards-grumpiness about the franchise. I try not to be too shitty about this, but old "I used the internet during the 00s" habits die hard. More recently, I've taken an active effort to mitigate this and, as they say, "let people enjoy things".

I watched Andor week to week with my good friend and noted Wars head @yotsuben, and I'd say I broadly enjoyed it. I'm no serious critic, so this'll be pretty surface level; I don't think I can speak too deeply about its themes or cinematography or wider place in the canon or anything, but I can hurl my gut check onto my (co)host's walls here. Proverbially.
_{(I certainly have other thoughts than listed here, but these stick out in my head, and just for the record I don't think "it will get resolved in Season 2" is a legitimate argument until after Season 2 is out.)}

What I Thought Was Awesome

The acting, across the board. Luna is great. O'Reilly is great. Skarsgård is amazing. Kathryn Hunter (Syril's Mom) is incredible.
No lightsabers. I don't think anyone said "The Force" even once, either (it's an easter egg on the space rap sheets, and I wish it wasn't).
Good weird local traditions that the Empire is explicitly cracking down on.
The prison arc.
They had a lot of physical sets. This shouldn't have to be on here.

What I Thought Was Boring

The title intro sequence. Western TV intros will move beyond "po-faced whirling CG stuff" one day, surely? I'm begging them to watch at least one anime OP.
Completely human central cast. We get like two scenes with wacky alien dudes. It's Star Wars, come the fuck on.
Star Wars consistently treats entire planets as Single Locations the size of like, one town and its environs. This is an impossible problem to solve due to genre convention and scale of production but it bugs me every time.

What I Thought Was Confusing

The finale, from a storytelling standpoint.
- 90% of the cast converges on Ferrix but their threads don't intersect.
- Syril and Meero's plotlines don't really resolve, they more just... stop.
- Mon Mothma's "ending" is just more of what she's been doing the whole show. I think it's meant to be her making a moral compromise with the arranged marriage but they also went out of their way to make it Not Really Her Fault, so...

What I Didn't Buy

Andor is supposed to be in his early 20s during this show, and Diego Luna simply isn't. For the record, this is far preferable than the CGI face shit they've been doing elsewhere, but I still think it's silly.
Nobody found Andor's little shower-shelf stash in the beach timeshare? Nobody?
Luthen's anti-tractor-beam tech takes a good couple minutes to dramatically charge its meter and then turns out it's literally just shooting out a bunch of physical chaff. Okay.
The show is really unclear about how Kino Loy ends up becoming Supreme Leader Snoke; if they weren't played by the same actor, I wouldn't believe that it happens at all. Something for Season 2, I guess.

#tv #tokusatsu

Anime - Winter 2025

2025-02-05T23:38:40.288Z

It's a dire season, folks. I've been suckered into watching a terrible isekai show just because there's nothing else.

New Shows

Zenshuu

The aforementioned terrible isekai show. Every episode is 20 minutes of insipid isekai plot and then 90 seconds of an homage to better anime. Expectations are low.

It's a pity that originals being helmed by Kimiko Ueno have been turning out poorly (see also Astro Note), since she's one of my favorite anime screenwriters whenever she's doing work on adaptations or other shows. Check her resume; she wrote all the best episodes of Space Dandy, Little Witch Academia, BNA, Carole & Tuesday, Metallic Rouge, and the ongoing Pokemon Horizons.

Returning/Continuing Shows

Dragon Ball Daima

It's been fine, though I'm actually enjoying it, which is more than I can say about the Extruded-Dragon-Ball-Product that was Super. Still hilarious that Daima doesn't bother to acknowledge Super at all, even outright contradicting it.

The Toriyama influence (rest in peace) feels genuine, mostly due to the high concentration of stupid/childish gags, and I'm cool with that. Goku's using that power pole, Vegeta went SSJ3, they fused Majin Buu and a Saibaman to make Majin Duu. What more could you ask for?

The Apothecary Diaries Season 2

This got way bigger than I think anyone really expected. There's something to be said for a show that consistently hovers in between 3 and 4 stars in every aspect while hitting a broad range of genres and appeal.

Based on what I remember from the manga, Season 2 is going to be a bit more meandering and unfocused than Season 1, but I like episodic adventures so I'm good with that.

Beastars "The Final Season" Part 1

Little else reaches the heights of insanity that Beastars does, even in this fundamentally different form. As a manga reader, this was my favorite chunk of the story, featuring a particularly large amount of slice-of-life shenanigans. Thus I cannot fully approve of the cuts made to squeeze the story into an anime, even if they're doing the best they can.

Pokemon Horizons

As has been the running theme with Horizons, I find the plot episodes helmed by Dai Sato intensely boring and all the dumb slice of life episodes to be the best parts; almost every episode by Kimiko Ueno has been solid gold.

I don't find myself missing Ash at all, but I do miss the Alola crew from Sun & Moon. Horizons has pointedly avoided having any notable characters from The Ash Years return on screen and I wonder how they'll handle that going forward, especially if the info from the big PokeLeak a while back ends up being true.

Tokusatsu

Bakuage Sentai Boonboomger

This has one episode to go as I write this. I'm comfortable saying that it's been a lovely time. In all the time I've been watching Super Sentai, none have been as consistently good and enjoyable as Boonbomger.

Some of that might be the rebound of the failed experiment that was King-ohger, but King-ohger never had a line as unhinged as, "The Hashiliens are the second coming of the Black Ships."

Kamen Rider Gavv

I briefly wrote on this around when it started, and still stand by what I said then, but I will admit that Gavv has turned out a lot better so far than I thought it might.

The actual plot and characters bubbling underneath are some of the best the franchise has had in years (aside: one must always grade on a curve knowing these are shows for children). While the candy theming is still intensely obnoxious, as a proponent of Kamen Rider Gaim, I begrudgingly must admit that the inherent tension of a serious plot juxtaposed with a ridiculous aesthetic is part of the draw. It lets me say with a straight face, "Kamen Rider Gavv pumped whipped cream all over his sister until she exploded, killing her instantly".

The Backlog

Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex

To my great shame, this is the first GITS media I've seen. I'm enjoying it quite a bit, though I'm running into the problem of having experienced 20 years of cyberpunk media that came out after SAC. At least now I know what's up with that Laughing Man icon I've been seeing all this time.

The most striking thing about this type of speculative fiction is that the writers are all so much more ambitious with the future tech than anyone in reality would be. As we know, the dystopia is already here and it's so much shittier and more mundane than we thought.

Planetes

I can see how this series became the blank check that let much of its staff move on to making stranger, more unhinged works. There's nothing quite like Planetes; like I noted, GITS still has a foot in action movie spectacle even in its slower episodes, while Planetes feels more grounded.

I wish it spent a bit more time actually digging into the intricacies of the job rather than heading into somewhat melodramatic character drama territory, but, well. I can't blame anyone for that either.

#anime #tokusatsu

2025-2 Movie Night Movies

2025-02-28T16:59:41.412Z

Most of the movies I watch these days are as part of collective movie nights in a couple discord servers and that's just fine with me. ADHD makes it hard to do things without body doubling sometimes.

Night is Short, Walk on Girl (rewatch)

I still think it's a good time. If you don't like one segment then there's three more for you to give a shot; the first and third are my favorites. The main guy seems to have no real redeeming qualities and certainly doesn't deserve the comically perfect female lead.
Still haven't seen Tatami Galaxy though. Oh well.

Pacific Rim (rewatch)

No notes. Thank you Guillermo del Toro for being one of the only Hollywood filmmakers to understand the appeal of Tokusatsu.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

The Troll Market segment has more freaky little guys condensed in one location than perhaps all Star Wars movies blended together. Thank you Guillermo del Toro for being one of the only Hollywood filmmakers to understand the appeal of Tokusatsu.

Clash of the Titans 1981

This has a reputation for amazing special effects for a reason (judging by the standards of the time). Perseus's perpetually befuddled face was a source of comedy throughout. Bubo is love, Bubo is life.

Nosferatu 2024

I've never seen the original Nosferatu, and while I had a vague idea in my head that it was based on Dracula, I didn't realize it really was Just Dracula. Turns out everyone ends up in a much worse place in the end if you don't have a cowboy friend around to shoot the vampire in the face.

Reign of Fire

Hollywood may never release something this po-faced about its blatantly stupid premise ever again; it really feels like it could have only come out in a pre-MCU world. That gives this an undeniable charm, though. See above about cowboy friends.

Black Dynamite

It's tough to pull off being intentionally bad in a funny way, but this manages it pretty much the whole way through. There's probably a paper to be written about the way Blaxploitation films are deeply informed by contemporary kung fu movies, but I ain't the one to do it.

Zeiram

Incredible special effects and monster design marred by half the movie focusing on two dipshits who really have no business being in it. This would have been way better if it was just 90 minutes of Iria's increasingly elaborate schemes and contingencies failing until she finally puts a bullet in Zeiram.

Mobile Suit Gundam Thunderbolt: December Sky (rewatch)

At this point in my Gundam career, Thunderbolt feels comically edgy, like a 14-year-old's idea of a super cool Gundam show. These first four episodes / first compilation movie do have some pretty cool robots, though. The scene from the Zaku's POV is an eternal classic.

Media Table of Contents

2026-04-08T20:37:49.711Z

Maybe has too much overlap with Microblog. Will consider.

Books

Notes on Oliver Burkeman's "Meditations for Mortals"

Games

Steam Nextfest

Movies

2025-2 Movie Night Movies

Shows

#index

played some of that metaphor refantazia demo

2024-10-15T18:32:53.617Z

everyone's complaining that it runs like shit but it seems okay to me, which is just that regular reminder that i'm apparently some kind of troglodyte when it comes to what i will accept when it comes to graphics

truly by the persona people, it's got an aggressively slow start. also considering my current state of constant dizziness, the slight waver to the UI elements is really fucking me up.

okay i played another few hours.

thing that stands out most to me is like... this is meant to be the Persona team, yeah? I imagine that one of the things that helped P5 stand out, is that it had big bespoke, unique dungeons with cool setpieces and such.

In Metaphor, the current dungeon I'm in is a mine. A regular-ass mine. The first dungeon was... a fort. A regular-ass fort. Almost indistinguishable from pretty much any 3/5 JRPG that came out in the past 30 years.

I know this is meant to be "a return to classic fantasy RPGs" but it kinda stands out.

#games #rpg

Steam NextFest Rapid-fire Demo Thoughts (Feb 2024)

2024-09-14T23:42:50.632Z

Every time Steam NextFest comes around (and I remember to do it), I scroll the big list and click "Install" on anything that catches my eye. Honestly, it's a lot of fun and I've found some cool games this way, including some gems like Amarantus. I made some quick scattershot listicles highlighting what I played during previous NextFests, and if you're here, well, this is another one.

Ultros

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2386310/Ultros/

Hell of an aesthetic - even though I'm 50/50 on if I personally like it or not - and some solid Metroidvania gameplay. The attacks feel nice and chunky, and the upgrade system tying directly into your stash of healing items is a cool idea that gels with the whole bio-sci-fi vibe. I'm definitely intrigued!

Caribbean Legend

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2230980/Caribbean_Legend/

I really want a cool sailing / seafaring RPG (the closest is probably... Pillars 2?), and this... isn't. Alas! That said, there's something undeniably fascinating about seeing a game with the exact aesthetic of an over-ambitious 2003 RPG. It's janky systems all the way down, from crew management to fencing techniques to tracking the political standing of the Caribbean, and absolutely none of it appears to cohere.

Vendir: Plague of Lies

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1478850/Vendir_Plague_of_Lies/

Fantasy RPG that's trying to mix CRPG-like skill checks and dialogue with JRPG-like turn-based combat and not doing a great job of it. In seriousness, the mechanical bones don't seem too bad, but the writing reads like a 19-year-old's vision of a gritty, grim fantasy world where peasants wallow in mud and kill each other for copper pieces. I got an early quest to kill rats and the game pointed out how it was a cliche to kill rats and yet still sent me off to kill rats. Come on.

Breachway

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2118810/Breachway/

Roguelite deckbuilder taking cues from FTL. The genre isn't really my scene, but I thought this had some cool ideas, like allocating reactor power to choose which resources you're accruing each turn. There seems to be some kind of large-scale faction-based stuff going on (like currying favor with them based on who controls the sector), but I didn't get far enough in to see how it affected things. Honestly, not bad.

Guild Saga: Vanished Worlds

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2184350/Guild_Saga_Vanished_Worlds/

Grid-based pixel art CRPG with anime characters? Sign me the fuck up! If there's any real red flag here, it's that the gameplay is clearly inspired by Divinity: Original Sin 2 - the separate Armor and Magic Armor bars are a huge giveaway - and I'm really not the biggest fan of Larian's games (yeah, including Baldur's Gate 3, bite me). Still, definitely keeping an eye on this one, it's pitching pretty dang close to my strike zone despite the wonky-ass pixel art.

Kind Words 2 (lofi city pop)

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2118120/Kind_Words_2_lofi_city_pop/

The first Kind Words was basically an asynchronous, anonymous advice column, and this looks like... more of that. There appears to now be a dedicated space for "recommendation" style asks and answers, as well as a way to directly chat with other players. Its twee aesthetics were tolerable in 2019, but after the advent of scare-quotes "Wholesome Games" it all feels a bit tiresome to me. There's certainly something to be said about how it's easier to be vulnerable in an anonymous setting, but I wonder if it ends up feeling more isolating in the end? I probably just need more friends.

Pacific Drive

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1458140/Pacific_Drive/

A survival/crafting game, but the twist is that you're driving around an irradiated zone in a clunky old car. So you aren't managing hunger and thirst; you're managing your gasoline and battery, siphoning from wrecks and scrounging up scrap so you can craft new doors and tires to keep yourself protected from the dangers along the road. Seems like a cool twist on the formula with enough friction to chew on.

Islands of Insight

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2071500/Islands_of_Insight/

What if The Witness was multiplayer and had a AAA-like open world and leveling system, complete with skill tree, dailies, and a cosmetic battlepass? I just don't understand why you'd make it like this; you can't even meaningfully interact with other players (you can party up, which appears to give zero benefits). What an utterly confounding game.

Aden

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2152740/ADEN/

A cute little beat-em-up type game with light rhythm mechanics. The aesthetic reminds me of Touhou (disclaimer: I know next to nothing about Touhou), and it all just gives me the vibes of an early GBA game or something.

DICEOMANCER

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2501600/DICEOMANCER/

Roguelite deckbuilder. Again. Pretty cute aesthetic, and it seems like there's some genuinely interesting mechanics once you really start digging (the card that lets you change any number on the screen is really clever), but showing me one of those progression screens is going to kill my interest nine times out of ten.

BattleJuice Alchemist

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1384060/BattleJuice_Alchemist/

This appears to be some sort of isometric Diablo-type game with randomly generated loot and such, but all of your equipment consists of alchemical vials that are thrown like grenades. The wrinkle is that you assemble a deck of different vials that get randomly drawn as you use them, and you're constantly cycling these out as you find better ones.

Necrosmith 2

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2277320/Necrosmith_2/

A base / army-building roguelite where you assemble a skeleton army to gather resources and build up your defenses for waves of enemies. The loop is fun enough (seems like it's kinda taking cues from auto-shooters [in the parlance of today, Vampire Survivors likes]), and I liked jerry-rigging together weird monsters to accomplish different tasks, but it feels like I'm spending most of my time just sitting and staring at the map without anything actually happening. I'd rather play an RTS.

Harold Halibut

https://store.steampowered.com/app/924750/Harold_Halibut/

Incredible aesthetic on this one, imitating stop-motion with care and aplomb. Movement's a bit slow and clunky, but the point of the experience seems to just be moving around this environment and talking to wacky characters, and it nails that too with some fantastic comedic writing. The commercial in the sportswear shop was a standout of what I played. Great stuff.

Dungeon Inn

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2552310/Dungeon_Inn/

From the title, I thought this would be a bog-standard "small business" type game, but it really isn't. It's closer to being some kind of block-falling puzzle game, where you're trying to shift two rival tracks of adventurers towards your inn, but if they see each other they start fighting. Really cute, and I can see how it might ramp up in complexity over time.

Cyber Manhunt: New World

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2421410/Cyber_Manhunt_New_World/

A detective game where you play as an AI executive assistant and trawl the internet for people's private information so you can report them to your bosses and law enforcement. Hunting down and connecting details is a fun mechanic, but the game is also literally having you send people phishing links and hacking their accounts to spy on them. Kinda fucked up.

Magical Delicacy

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2231190/Magical_Delicacy/

Crafting / small-business game, the type that one might perhaps refer to as "wholesome" or perhaps "cozy". Seems cute enough, if you're into the kind of plate-spinning and timer management these games tend to be about (grow crops, grind crops into ingredients, cook ingredients, but make sure you're keeping all of these bars going at all times and make sure nothing boils over!!!). What really bugged me is that the camera is so zoomed-in as to be borderline claustrophobic; please let me actually see where I'm going.

Crypt Custodian

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2394650/Crypt_Custodian/

Clearly cribbing off Hyper Light Drifter, but with a cartoon animal aesthetic. It seems fine. Movement and combat feel good, but I didn't play far enough to discover a way to heal yourself between checkpoints, so it's slightly more punishing than the art style may imply.

Synergy

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1989070/Synergy/

Citybuilder, plain and simple... but with a Mœbius aesthetic. If you're gonna steal, might as well steal from the best, right? Seems cool enough, even though a couple of the resource harvesting situations felt a little opaque. Nothing felt bad, so I might keep an eye on this one.

Death of the Reprobate

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1739900/Death_of_the_Reprobate/

A point-and-click adventure game making use of Renaissance paintings for extreme comedic effect; think the "animated" sequences from Monty Python. Major shitpost energy from this one, and I had some genuinely solid laughs from the writing. The combination of "highbrow" old paintings and totally "lowbrow" humor really works.

Children of the Sun

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1309950/Children_of_the_Sun/

A sniping puzzle game. Your bullet halts in midair with each kill, allowing you to re-aim, and you have to figure out a path that lets you hit all the baddies in a single shot. It also adds new wrinkles and ways for you to manipulate your shot's path over time. Quite an impressive concept, honestly. Cool shit.

Mullet Mad Jack

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2111190/MULLET_MAD_JACK/

Not my speed! It's a sort of boomer-shooter / roguelite where you want to zoom forward as quickly as possible while murdering guys to extend your life timer. Granted I was playing on easy mode, but there doesn't seem to be point to doing anything other than mashing the dash/kick button over and over. The faux-anime aesthetic is also a little too twee and self aware for my tastes.

Until Then

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1574820/Until_Then/

Holy shit, I am incredibly impressed. This snagged me almost immediately and left me enthralled for the demo's entire hour-ish runtime, and I'm not even sure there's an easy "hook" to point to other than the fascinating not-quite-mundanity of the main character's life. It's simply a narrative game with great dialogue, great animation, and great vibes.

Terra Memoria

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1912750/Terra_Memoria/

A JRPG with a cute tilt-shift-y, cartoon-animals aesthetic. No real downsides here, other than that it's comically easy; across the hour-or-so of the demo, there wasn't a single fight where I had to do anything other than mindlessly spam the lowest tier attacks. There are some cool turn-delay mechanics to the battles, but it's a shame that I didn't have to engage with them whatsoever.

Arco

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2366970/Arco/

Demo didn't give me much to go on story-wise, but I like the aesthetic and the tactical battles are a lot of fun. You can see what the enemy has planned like in Into the Breach or Phantom Brigade, so you're setting up your moves to dodge theirs and hit back with your own, with every action each turn happening simultaneously. I only fiddled a bit in the Arena mode, but it seems like there could be a good bit of depth to the combat.

Night Stones

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2300340/Night_Stones/

A cute little adventure game that gave me some of the same vibes as A Short Hike, though Night Stones is trying to be somewhat more ambitious with a greater variety of traversal locks and keys (including its eponymous gimmick that affects the day-night cycle). The Steam page advertises "no combat", but I feel like stealth-killing evil piranha plants that attack you on sight kinda does count as combat. Honestly, if this interests you and you haven't played A Short Hike, just go play that first.

Tales of Kenzera: ZAU

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2316580/Tales_of_Kenzera_ZAU/

An action metroidvania based on Bantu folklore. The movement and combat feel good, with a solid stance-switch gimmick between projectile and melee modes. My only real complaint is that the game hitched whenever I used a new move (basic attack, special ability, etc) for the first time, but my graphics card is getting long in the tooth and I'm barely hitting the minimum requirements.

Cursed Crew

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1839760/Cursed_Crew/

A ship management roguelite with offbrand Don't Starve aesthetic. Already wasn't feeling it from the look, and once I finally got into some ship-to-ship combat it was incredibly slow and clunky. If your ship combat is somehow worse than Pillars 2 despite being apparently the main focus of the game, you're going to have trouble getting me interested.

Balatro

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2379780/Balatro/

A poker roguelite, which is way better than it might sound. Poker hands are a kind of math that people already understand, so layering a bunch of wacky multipliers and effects is a lot of fun. I'm fucking sick of roguelites, but no notes here. It's fun, especially if you like gambling!

Raw Metal

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2279600/Raw_Metal/

A sort of combination stealth / brawling game. It's got some genuinely rewarding fast and frenetic score-based combat, despite how early it is. I do wish it wasn't a roguelite though; randomly generated loot and whatnot can be a real turnoff for me. Pretty impressive for how early it seems.

Scars of Mars

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2574460/Scars_of_Mars/

A cool battle system reminiscent of Mega Man Star Force, where you've got a team on your 3x3 grid shooting forward into the enemy's 3x3 grid... but there's friendly fire and you're trying to manage your entire team of four, so it's really fucking hard to not just get bodied. Meanwhile, the UI and the roguelite trappings are just so much and don't really care to onboard you in any reasonable manner. Please stop making roguelites.

Sword of Convallaria

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2526380/Sword_of_Convallaria/

Realized literally 30 seconds in - when it asked me to log in to a single player game - that this was a gacha game. Fuck that, no matter how many Hitoshi Sakimoto tracks you have for me. God dammit, I just want another Final Fantasy Tactics game, is that so much to ask? Fucking hell. We can't have nice things.

Death of a Wish

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2302080/Death_of_a_Wish/

Barring some issues getting my controller to work properly, this was great. The aesthetic is striking (albeit running up against my sensory overload threshold), and the combat feels like a good character action game where you're constantly zipping in and out while swapping out your weapons and approach from second to second. Cool shit.

Millennia

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1268590/Millennia/

It's store-brand Civilization and does not appear to really be adding anything new to the formula, but hey, I suppose that means it's at a baseline level of competent.

The Posthumous Investigation

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2466900/The_Posthumous_Investigation

A noir detective game where you have only a single day to discover the killer, but... you have that single day over and over. That's right, it's the ol' time loop chestnut, which means every character has their scripted schedules that you need to keep in mind.. Otherwise has all the classics of the genre, like interrogating suspects and presenting every piece of evidence to every possible character to see what they might have to say.

Reus 2

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1875060/Reus_2/

"God game" (aren't these kinda citybuilders, when you get down to it?) where you're terraforming biomes and trying to place down resources with various adjacency bonuses for maximum benefit. The wrinkle is that everything you place down causes time to tick forward, and you naturally want to hit specific milestones that you may have screwed yourself out of earlier down the line. Make a single resource swap and your whole house of cards might topple.

Alruna and the Necro-Industrialists

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2655470/Alruna_and_the_NecroIndustrialists/

The good: cool aesthetic specifically aping Game Boy Color games like Shantae. The bad: incredibly punishing platforming. Maybe it's a skill issue, but I kept getting stun-locked by enemies and some of those spike traps are just straight up unnecessary. Couple that with the high jump being kind of fiddly and my patience dropped off fast.

Crow Country

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1996010/Crow_Country/

A survival horror / puzzle game with faux-PS1 and "creepy theme park" aesthetics. It's a good thing there's an "exploration" mode, because the enemies take frankly ridiculous amounts of bullets to take down (not that you should be trying to kill every enemy in a survival horror game, I guess). Seems fun enough.

Indika

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1373960/INDIKA/

Not sure what to call this other than some kind of bizarre, religious narrative game. Definitely intriguing - particularly the incongruous music and UI elements - with some solid writing and voice acting, but there's also some serious jank going on with the basic movement and gameplay. The instant-death chase scene towards the end of the demo really wore on my patience.

Steam NextFest Rapid-Fire Demo Thoughts (October 2024)

2024-10-21T15:53:25.490Z

Every time Steam NextFest comes around (and if I remember to do it), I scroll the big list and click "Install" on anything that catches my eye. Honestly, it's a lot of fun and I've found some cool games this way, I probably won't be as serious about doing this as I was on Cohost, but oh well. I ain't being paid.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2089600/Urban_Myth_Dissolution_Center/

Cute aesthetic and some really fun pixel art, but everything takes way too many steps to do. I can't believe you have to go into your journal to confirm every single clue.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2591230/MEATGRINDER/

Barely comprehensible plot with a 4chan / mid-00s Adult Swim sense of edge that's just totally uninteresting to me. Pity, because I actually think the aesthetic is neat.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3161270/Tlatoani_Aztec_Cities/

Feels like a citybuilder from the 90s, themed around a specific culture and all that. Needs a bit of UI polish (it was unclear what I was missing towards the end of the first mission until I really sat down and scrutinized every building), but it's neat.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2538880/Spirit_X_Strike/

Terrible first impression with rough performance and no controller support, and then I was having a great time for about ten minutes with its gonzo God Hand / Fist of the North Star vibe. Unfortunately the boss kills you in about three hits with his ridiculous homing charge attack that does 40% of your life if you miss the perfect parry.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2442460/Citizen_Sleeper_2_Starward_Vector/

We are so back. I've got a big soft spot for the first Citizen Sleeper, so I'm willing to take the shot on this sight unseen; a demo is just a bonus. The big shakeups here are removal of the stabilizer countdown in favor of a building stress meter and the addition of a crew, both things that make sense with the mechanics and themes of Citizen Sleeper. I'm looking forward to it.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3084280/Threefold_Recital/

Cute enough. I wish there were more Futuristic China aesthetics and less puzzle platforming. I stopped playing once I got to a puzzle that had three circular slots and three orbs laying around the room, and the game decided it had to stop me for a few minutes to explain that I would need to find the keys in this room to open the door.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2368300/Warside/

What if Advance Wars had a worse capture mechanic and absolutely zero personality? Let me be more specific: it's an important part of Advance Wars' balance that only infantry can capture properties. Sure, here only infantry can do the capturing, but any unit can attack and de-capture properties, which feels like it would needlessly drag things out.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3149850/Fated_Land/

AI generated art. Avoid.
I just want a new Final Fantasy Tactics, man...

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2124120/SULFUR/

A Roguelite FPS game. It's got a fun look to it and feels pretty good in the moment to moment, but it's just not really my scene. I hate finding randomly generated loot that's just like, +17% to run speed or whatever.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/887490/Burden_of_Command/

I've had this on my wishlist for ages, so I was disappointed to be immediately confronted with unskippable videos of the devs talking up how supposedly transgressive and pointed the game is and verbally explaining the mechanics. Just let me into the game! Let me read!!

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3125820/SISYPHE/

Artsy platformer. Basically hold right and mash space while you look at cool backgrounds and listen to cool music. Probably great while high.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1865960/Symphonia/

Really cute. I thought it was another Offbrand Hollow Knight at first, but I'd say this has a cohesive enough aesthetic on its own and also is not a Metroidvania / Search Action game, it's just an old fashioned platformer. Maybe there's a bit too much happening in the foreground, but I had a good time.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2958790/Cyclopean/

An old school RPG in the pre-console style, in just about every way. It's unforgiving and cruel in mechanics (you cannot make a character, you must simply re-roll your character until you're pleased with it) with a striking monochrome aesthetic. Not quite my scene, but damn I respect the gumption.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2756920/Keep_Driving/

Really damn cool. If you're gonna trick me into playing a roguelite deckbuilder, then at least have the decency to give it a cool, cohesive aesthetic like this. Probably the best thing I've played so far (I write these lists in play order).

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3202230/VIOLENT_RUSH/

Feels like Jet Set Radio fanfic, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it's a bit slight and obviously translated from a different language.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2407270/AI_LIMIT/

Nobody has done Souls as well as FromSoft and I really wish someone else moved in on that territory. This is like, fine, but there's nothing really intriguing about it to me.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2768420/The_Last_Winter_Knight/

Immaculate vibes, but kind of boring. I got excited by the chart/glossary about the pieces of plate armor, and then it's ten minutes of slowly establishing that the knight has amnesia and is possibly a ghost.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2458310/New_Arc_Line/

They're... doing their best? I do not have so much affection for Arcanum that I need some kind of spiritual follow up to it, as much as I like CRPGs. Steampunk just doesn't really do it for me as an aesthetic.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2530490/Lost_Eidolons_Veil_of_the_Witch/

I wish I liked this more seeing as it's a Fake Fire Emblem, but I'm not really into the aesthetic or the whole roguelite setup. I hear the regular Lost Eidolons isn't a roguelike, which makes me a smidge more interested. But man, that sure is just like, Grim But Glossy Western Fantasy Art Style. Not really my scene.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3174830/Throne_Requiem/

Fascinating in its bizarre indie King's Field x Wizardry vibe. Seems to be a one man project by one Michael Richard Lannon who has put out something like 15 similarly weird dungeon crawlers in the past few years. I am baffled and intrigued.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3128730/ColorSweeper/

Picross x Minesweeper. Seems great. No notes.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2263360/HYPERBEAT/

A Rez-like, which is pretty rare and I think it's really neat, but wow it is so incredibly hard. I do not have the dexterity to pull the analog stick shenanigans this game wants me to.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2977310/Arkhe/

Gives me Korean webtoon vibes, which I guess isn't inherently bad, but it also opens with introducing a bunch of terms and concepts with no context, expecting you to read multiple paragraphs in the in-game journal. There's not really an immediate hook here to get me interested.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2342780/Neo_Harbor_Rescue_Squad/

Trauma Team x Warioware by way of a Saturday morning cartoon. The aesthetic feels like it'd be on the side of a Burger King cup. It wasn't bad or anything, but the game did not read my controller so every prompt was a big "?" symbol and as a result I failed about 40% of the minigames. S'fine.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1412150/Silent_Sadie/

Cute aesthetic and little else. The box pushing is incredibly slow and I stopped playing once I got to the mandatory stealth segment.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2396200/Letalis/

Fake Pokemon with slaves. I mean look, the gladiator setting isn't terrible, but when you're commanding goofy monster friends to fight it doesn't feel quite as fucked up as literally buying human beings and making them fight for your pleasure.

#games #nextfest

Steam NextFest Rapid-Fire Demo Thoughts (June 2024)

2024-09-14T23:42:59.132Z

Every time Steam NextFest comes around (and if I remember to do it), I scroll the big list and click "Install" on anything that catches my eye. Honestly, it's a lot of fun and I've found some cool games this way, including some gems like Amarantus pr Balatro. I made some quick scattershot listicles highlighting what I played during previous NextFests, and if you're here, well, this is another one.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2142790/Fields_of_Mistria/

It's one of those. "Wholesome" farming sim ala Stardew Valley. Anime-inspired aesthetic. Does not appear to be bringing anything particularly new or interesting to the table IMO. But maybe that's what you want! Farming games that aren't titled Stardew Valley already have a leg up by simply not being Stardew Valley.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1582650/Caravan_SandWitch/

This seems to have a collect-a-thon loop of doing quests for people in town, exploring ruins to gather components, then using those components to make scanners to open up new sections of the map. Moves pretty smoothly, even though there doesn't appear to be controller support yet. Not bad.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1560160/ILA_A_Frosty_Glide/

3D platformer where you're trying to jump around with your witch broom glide. It's kinda fiddly to control, and often relies upon doing wall jumps. The thing is that you can only wall jump once per time touching the ground, so you keep interrupting your jump chains because you have to land first, except you're also always holding the glide button... so sometimes you'll just fall off a big cliff and end up eight jumps down.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2132560/On_Your_Tail/

This is a "cozy mystery" game where you're hanging out around an Italian seaside town (think Sapienza from Hitman) and solving crimes where people were mostly momentarily inconvenienced. I wish the run speed was a little faster. Seems cute enough, but I feel like I'm not really in the target audience.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2240080/Spilled/

A clean-up game with a low-poly aesthetic. You're scraping oil off the ocean surface into a plant and then spending the money on upgrades that let you scrape more oil. Pretty short, feels like a mobile game kinda (that isn't necessarily a bad thing).

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2406810/Emblems_Sunless_Vow/

Feels like a mobile game (again, this isn't necessarily a bad thing). You've got a sort of rock-paper-scissors plate-spinning game where you're trying to make sure you hit weaknesses while managing health between your orbs, and also trying to get last hit with your lower level ones to squeeze out more XP. I didn't dislike the story I saw, but there's just so much of it and you aren't given much context to latch on to.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2403290/Boyhoods_End/

A RPG Maker joint with some genuinely quite impressive animation and some decent sci-fi storytelling. You play as Giovanni Stylus, a student at the galactic academy and secret hacker, who is bullied due to having the lowest "human score" (read: social media rating) in existence. The writing gets extremely on the nose, but I am at least somewhat intrigued. Also, now that I'm more aware of how RPG Maker functions, holy shit! How did they make some of these things in RPG Maker?

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2817140/Charming_Hearts/

I downloaded this because it was tagged CRPG. It is not a CRPG. It is an FMV dating sim where none of the choices are in English (but the dialogue is subtitled, at least??). You wanna have models stare directly into the camera and awkwardly flirt with a player character with zero personality? Then here you go! I would like a hot, rich CEO girlfriend though... hm...............

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1712350/Riven/

They made a sequel to Myst, dudes.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1865750/Faye_Falling/

Some real We Have Undertale At Home vibes going on here with a battle system where you dodge bullets and time your hits. That isn't a bad thing, to be clear! I am mostly just fascinated by how Earthbound type games have been almost completely subsumed in the indie space by Undertale type games.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1610440/Minds_Beneath_Us/

A side-scrolling narrative game where you're playing as some kind of ghost in the machine who gets uploaded into other peoples' implants to spy on and/or control them. Good ol' cyberpunk type stuff here. Gosh, you wonder if having every part of your life controlled by some all-seeing, amoral AI is a current cultural fear or something?

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2108180/Swordhaven_Iron_Conspiracy/

An old-school CRPG in pretty much every sense. Neat! My only real complaint about the demo is that there doesn't appear to be anything really distinguishing its setting and narrative. You're stomping through forests and punching wolves like pretty much any other low level not-DnD campaign, and there's nothing necessarily wrong with that (DnD only gets a pass because it has the name brand IMO), but I've played a decent number of CRPGs and without any dev/franchise pedigree I really need some kind of hook to get me invested.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1669600/Green_Memories/

In the post-apocalypse, you play a scientist wandering the desert to study whether humanity can re-inhabit the wastes. This has a cool Game Boy Color style aesthetic, but the English localization is rough and the very first quest requires you to get random drops from enemies that will kill you with contact damage in mere moments. Could be cool with some more polish.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2224640/Artisan_TD/

Seems like a pretty standard tower defense, but I'm cool with that. My main memory of tower defense games is playing custom maps in Starcraft, and those usually had an element of building your towers in formation to slow down the enemy pathfinding as much as possible. There's a bit of that here with balancing your money between walls or tower upgrades.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1429850/Sumerian_Six/

An isometric stealth game a-la Shadow Tactics, where you're moving your bespoke hero units around and trying to kill all the nazis without getting caught. There's always going to be something satisfying about setting up a split second double kill and watching it go off, and the characters seem to have pretty cool abilities like riding guards through their patrol routes or just outright swapping positions to drop a guy right onto a waiting knife. Neat!

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2449160/While_Waiting/

A puzzle game where you're trying to accomplish semi-hidden objectives while an invisible timer ticks down, but in a variety of wacky situations. Based on trailers during E3(False), this is meant to broadly be a kind of time waster while you're waiting for things IRL, and it does an admirable job of that. I had fun for the 20 minutes I played this waiting for my discord server movie night where we watched Dragon (2011) starring Donnie Yen. Isn't that all you can really ask for?

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2831320/babelathe/

I guess this is a goof on Beyblade? It is either nigh unplayable or I'm just bad at video games. Appears to be multiplayer in some form but I could not quite fathom what was going on or what I was supposed to be doing. That might be the game's fault or more likely is due to my poor mental state at 7:30pm on a Tuesday night.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2769210/Scarmonde/

The coolest thing I've played so far on this list (I write these in play order over several days). An RPG Maker joint that's patterned off NES style, original-FF type RPGs. Make your plotless party out of the available classes and hit up that dungeon with no other pretenses. It's got a somewhat more modern progression system where you can pick and choose which abilities to buy for each character, which is kinda cool. However, I do wish there was some way to modulate random encounters; they happen maybe a little too often.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1697850/Rose_and_Locket/

An action platformer with a real neat comic panel aesthetic where you're hunting down the Seven Deadly Sins. Unfortunately, the demo locked up right before what seemed like the first "real" stage, and the only way to get back there would have been to replay the entire tutorial level up until then, so I didn't get that far. But it does look pretty cool!

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1590760/Metal_Slug_Tactics/

It sucks that this is a roguelike, because there's some cool tactics stuff buried in here. The game wants you to have all your units lined up to do synchronized cross-fire on enemies, but you also don't accrue skill points for special moves unless you're moving as far as possible each turn. Combined, this means you're often just one or two tiles out of perfect alignment, scrambling to squeeze out that extra damage.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1691750/Sky_Oceans_Wings_for_Hire/

If Sega won't make Skies of Arcadia, it's time for the indie devs to step up, I guess. I wish I liked this more, but the demo doesn't make a great first impression, opening with 10-15 minutes of fetch quests before you can start actually flying planes around and getting into the mood of it. The art style seems cute, though.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1414910/The_Shimmering_Horizon_and_Cursed_Blacksmith/

You got your Mystery Dungeon in my Dark Souls! You got your Dark Souls in my Mystery Dungeon! There's also some kind of weapon forging mechanic where you are cobbling together swords from whatever scraps you can scrounge up in the dungeon. Seems totally fine mechanically, but the anime girl could stand to put on some pants.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2102450/Enotria_The_Last_Song/

An almost comically Italian Souls-type game. I played until I beat the first boss dude in the town, who was in an arena where the camera kept clipping into the wall, completely obscuring my vision. What I will say is that storebrand Souls-type games are certainly getting better at being what they are, but they're still just not good enough to replace the real thing (at least for me). Keep at it, I guess.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1680780/Big_Boy_Boxing/

A Punch Out type game that pretty much nails everything you'd want from a Punch Out type game. No notes other than that it got real fucking hard real fast. I must be getting old, because my reaction times suck now; Coach Skank can fuck right off. Nails the "shitty mid-90s afterschool cartoon" vibes.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1239360/Genokids/

A character action game clearly taking inspiration from the likes of Hi-Fi Rush and Devil May Cry. The characters have some solid style, but the environments are pretty fucking bland, and I eventually died after being infinitely juggled by multiple enemies. Seems like it could be neat and there's at least a bit of cohesion to the whole aesthetic.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2694420/KILL_KNIGHT/

A twin-stick shooter with more than a little Devil Daggers DNA in it. Shoot a bunch of guys, get a higher score, unlock new things to shoot guys with. Knows exactly what it wants to be and is that thing.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2809200/Fading_Skies/

Extreme mid-00s PS2 / Xbox 360 platformer energy from this one, like if Jak & Daxter was made in 2015 or something. You've got the perky elf protagonist who quips to her wacky little mascot, all the models are kinda too smooth, there's janky combat and even jankier platforming. There's someone out there for whom this game hits the direct center of their strike zone, but it ain't me.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2744650/The_Moon_2044/

Isometric dual-stick shooter horror game where you're a space marine wandering dark halls and shooting zombie monsters when they crop up. Pretty janky, but the lighting works well; you can't see shit if you aren't pointing your gun directly at it. This does however mean that something can sneak up and kill you before you even have a chance to swivel around to see it.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2243690/BC_Piezophile/

This game feels like it was made for a particular kind of sicko who wishes Descent took place in the terrifying depths of an alien sea and instead of a speedy spaceship you had a confusing clunker of a mech. I can't say I've ever quite played anything like it, and it's got some incredible vibes. I will probably never play this in earnest, but I'm impressed.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1832040/Flintlock_The_Siege_of_Dawn/

I really like the aesthetic of this - a sort of militarized, flintlock fantasy Ottoman Empire situation - and I'm not into anything else. The gameplay is just a mashup of every notable action RPG of the past decade, akin to something like Star Wars Jedi Survivor, so it just kinda feels like extruded Souls-type sludge. Not into it.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2739630/of_the_Devil/

Come and getcher Ace Attorney / Danganronpa styled mystery lawyer visual novel. The demo is the whole "first case", running about two hours, and it's great from top to bottom. I realized the twist about two seconds before it was revealed, which is exactly what you want. No notes.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1876590/I_Am_Your_Beast/

A stage-based kill-em-up. You're trying to murder all the guys or whatever in the stage as cleanly and quickly as possible to get your score up, simple enough. It's fast and smooth, and all the throwing around weapons and immediately scavenging new ones gives me some Superhot vibes. Fun if you're into that sort of thing.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2855390/Echoes_in_the_Deep__A_Fateforge_Tale/

I would bet actual money that this is based directly off the devs' DnD game. It's got the same character classes, ability scores, and even svirfnebiln gnomes living in the ~~Underdark~~ Netherworld. The character portraits even look like they're drawn over Heroforge models! There's some decent character writing, but I also don't think that I care to play a bog-standard DnD visual novel at this point in my life. (Edit: I guess Fateforge is literally a DnD 5e offshoot, so fie on me for not doing research on the title of the demo lol)

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1960900/Judero/

A fairly simplistic action game with one hell of an aesthetic. Everything is some kind of scanned-in sculpture/doll with a handful of straight up stop motion interludes to introduce monsters with names like "Spitting Haggis" and "Wee Beasties". You gotta see this one in motion, I think.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2171880/Albatroz/

You want to drive and hike around lovely mountain landscapes while managing various hunger/thirst/stamina meters? Then this is the game for you! Jokes aside, there could be something here once it reaches a more polished state. I'm really into the idea of a hiking game having elements like a party or towns where you plan out your next journey. Cool stuff.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2679070/IRONHIVE/

A (sigh) deckbuilder citybuilder, and definitely one of those plate-spinning games where you're juggling a bunch of limited resources to try and keep factions happy while also expanding. I'm interested in some aspects of the aesthetic, like the cross-section between heavy industrial mechs and fanatical religion, but I'm not sure I'm willing to put up with the gameplay just for that. There's hardly any tutorial either, so it's a real sink-or-swim situation.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1614440/B_Path_of_the_Teal_Lotus/

I suppose you could do worse than cribbing Hollow Knight this blatantly; that part's fine, if a bit trite these days. What I'm less enthused by is how hard the game is learning on being "Japanese-inspired". The Steam page says "Japan" or "Japanese" like seven or eight times, the game loooves to mention kami and yokai and whatnot, and all in a way that sets off my "this is made by weebs with no self awareness" alarm. Dunno.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1543710/Beyond_Galaxyland/

An RPG with some light 2D platforming and puzzle solving. There's some neat presentation stuff going on here, but I'm not quite sold on the "90s Saturday Morning Cartoon" aesthetic with its wacky mascots and capturable monsters. The combat's also a bit clunky for my tastes. That said, I'm not seeing any overt red flags and the game seems earnest enough.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/458430/Steel_Seed/

Feels like a store-brand Jedi Survivor, which sounds like I'm damning with faint praise, but Steel Seed is definitely one of the more polished games on this list. It's got your setpiece platforming, a double jump, stealth takedowns, a light-and-heavy attack, checkpoints that heal you but respawn all enemies, a little robot buddy who hacks doors... all the things that would be in a modern, big budget action platformer. S'fine.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1983260/Dungeons_of_Hinterberg/

This feels like it takes a lot of inspiration from Gamecube/Wii-Era Nintendo games. The core loop is going out during the day to Zelda-like dungeons where you solve puzzles, kill enemies, and get loot; then you get back to the village in the afternoon and have your Persona-like social stats and character links that get you better perks to go dungeoneering. Seems like it could be pretty damn cool.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1325040/Keylocker__Turn_Based_Cyberpunk_Action/

Really stylish, I was into a lot of what was going on in here, but holy shit it's hard. Maybe I just picked the wrong class, but if I was not hitting every timed hit and timed defense perfectly, I would die in two hits in even the tutorial battles. If I ever go back to this it'll be on easy mode, I am clearly a Soft Punk.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2366980/Thank_Goodness_Youre_Here/

Comedy game where you're a weird little guy running around punching things. Like all comedy media, the jokes are a little hit-or-miss, but I enjoyed myself more often than not. Perhaps I'm just not British enough for it to truly hit.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1422440/Cataclismo/

A really interesting RTS / Tower Defense game. I like pretty much everything about this. The building can get a little fiddly, but that's just because you can get really meticulous with where you're placing every single brick. I spent a solid 10-15 minutes building a wall in the tutorial level and then the swarm was over in 30 seconds.

Steam NextFest - Feb 2023

2024-09-14T23:42:42.843Z

Highwater

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2000960/Highwater/

Takes place after a climate catastrophe and all the rich people are fleeing to Mars. You play as a character who's trying to sneak in and stow away on a rocket.
Made an incredibly strong first impression with an original vocal track and cool vibes of driving around a flooded city on a shitty life raft, and took a sharp nosedive for me when it A) revealed itself to be a middling, weirdly tough tactical combat game and B) revealed some really on-the-nose writing (there are literally billboards from the capitalist society saying "FOMO" and "BUYER'S REMORSE" on them).

Mindhack

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1727210/MINDHACK/

Visual novel where you play as a Mind Hacker who psychically hacks into the brains of "scumbags" to remove the "bugs" that drive them to do "bad things". The game presents this act on a scale somewhere between real shady to actively harmful. Great style, kept thinking "wow this music slaps" while playing.

Radio the Universe

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1053900/Radio_the_Universe/

Sort of Zelda-y top-down combat and puzzles. Some Signalis vibes, but hewing way more closely to Dark Souls, etc. Incredible UI treatment (I genuinely love the little gyro balance bar that appears any time you land from a jump), but it's extremely punishing and probably a little too cryptic for my tastes.

Archmage Rises

https://store.steampowered.com/app/506480/Archmage_Rises/

Procedurally generated wizard simulator. Looks like it generates a whole-ass fantasy world and then plops you in as a youngun with magic potential. It seems like once you get strong enough you might stop shooting magic missile at wolves in the forest and become a real-ass archmage working on some kind of grand strategy / 4X layer of the game, but I obviously didn't get that far.

Wandering Sword

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1876890/Wandering_Sword/

Blatantly aping Octopath's aesthetics, but that's not a bad thing. I got bamboozled thinking this would be wuxia, when it turned out to actually be xianxia. Fuck.
Jank translation and real iffy menus, but it's a demo. Every NPC has their own character sheet for the grid-based tactics combat and it seems like you can invite anybody into your party, which is sort of spinning the invite feature from Octopath into a more major element.

A Long Journey to an Uncertain End

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1164830/A_Long_Journey_to_an_Uncertain_End/

Play as a ship AI traveling to different planets and assigning crew members to various odd jobs so you can gather resources. The persistent timer counting down to death is that your ex is chasing you across the galaxy, and they really think that's a great hook. Makes some cool diversity choices (custom pronouns, etc.) and it seems like each crew member has some stuff going on but I wasn't really feeling it.

Lightracer Spark

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2094270/Lightracer_Spark/

Some kind of narrative 4X-ish RPG thing? I actually thought this was really interesting. You play as some kind of sufficiently advanced alien intelligence that studies civilizations and grows from doing so.
The demo chapter presents a planet whose late-stage crypto-capitalism created a rampant AI that is going to inevitably destroy them, and presents you with the options of: A) mining as many valuable resources from the planet as possible before it goes up in flames, B) preserving the gene banks of the dominant species, or C) running a thought experiment of trying to push them towards co-existence with AI. Didn't go as narratively in-depth as I'd like since it was still tutorializing the mechanics (which were, ah, a bit confusing to me, even with the pop-ups) but I genuinely want to see more.

Book of Hours

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1028310/BOOK_OF_HOURS/

You're meant to be the new Librarian of the mysterious Hush House... if you can get there.
I had a lot of trouble "clicking" with the UI on this one, but once I managed to figure out a bit, I was pretty into it even though I scarcely got into the first town area (ain't even at the library!!). It's got some serious Fallen London/Sunless Sea vibes in how it works, where you have various categories of "items" that each have flavorful and evocative attributes that determine where you can or can't use them. Some lovely writing here and I can't wait to check it out when it is (or, more likely, I am) in a state where I can understand what I'm doing.

Dark Envoy

https://store.steampowered.com/app/945770/Dark_Envoy/

Caught in between a MOBA and a CRPG and doesn't quite do either genre justice, though the effort to make a more interesting gameplay experience is admirable. Has you make two characters at the start - a brother-sister pair - to be your main protagonists, but their dialogue is so quippy and snarky that it genuinely seems more like they're flirting with each other than sibling ribbing.

WitchSpring R

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1958220/WitchSpring_R/

Cute little JRPG about a pie-loving forest witch who crafts and mines and fights. One of those situations where it's got just the right amount of jank in every aspect to be endearing. The unfittingly enormous thwack sound effect when you hunt rabbits made me crack up every single time, and the little Monster Rancher style mini-games for training your stats are a fun quirk. Not sure how much substance it'd have in a full game, but I had a great time playing this for an hour.

Affogato

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1983970/Affogato/

As a barista/sorceress, you and your goth demon GF help solve people's problems.
This feels like an obscure PSP game out of time. It's got Persona-like town exploration / stat-building mechanics, VA-11 Hall-A-like coffee-making VN segments, and a weird little battle system they call "reverse tower defense". You summon units and send them down a track while they attack towers along the way, and it gets surprisingly hard to manage their health and your resources. I ended up busting out Cheat Engine to fight the boss, no clue how I would have done it otherwise.
Also, while the writing is adequate anime faff 99% of the time, it has a reference to the first Avengers movie that I saw coming 10 seconds before it happened and it felt like I'd been kneecapped with a 12-gauge.

Virtue's Heaven

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1929860/Virtues_Heaven/

Metroidvania with a distinctly Game Boy aesthetic and really snappy movement mechanics. It's got some fun, self-aware anti-capitalist flavor to the writing, and its equivalent of Hollow Knight's equippable charms are pretty interesting.

Amarantus

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1941100/Amarantus/

Visual novel where you play as a young revolutionary recently radicalized. I liked this a lot! The rhythm of the dialogue is great, with solid characterization all around, and the character sprites having movable eyes really adds a lot of expression to the limited number of images.

Sea of Stars (Demo on Switch)

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1244090/Sea_of_Stars/

For a game clearly trying to be like Chrono Trigger, it feels way more like Super Mario RPG. It looks lovely, but the pacing feels off to me, like everything's a little too slow; the world map speed in particular feels glacial. I appreciate that fewer encounters means they need to be accordingly tougher, but at least in the demo dungeon that meant I was hoofing it back to the camp point to heal after almost every single battle. Maybe I just suck at Timed Hits.

Cook Serve Forever

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1928090/Cook_Serve_Forever/

More Cook Serve Delicious, but with way more streamlined controls. Maybe too streamlined? I think the restaurant plate-spinning metalayer was part of the core gameplay loop, so stripping it out makes this feel like a pick-up-and-play phone game. That's not necessarily bad, but not really for me either.

Phantom Brigade

https://store.steampowered.com/app/553540/Phantom_Brigade/

Mecha X-Com. Mechs-Com. You know. Highly polished (since I guess it comes out at the end of the month!), you can paint the individual pieces of your mechs, and it's got a cool gimmick where you can see what the enemies are doing next turn. The writing is borderline comical since it's all about "reclaiming our homeland" from an extremely vague "enemy", but I guess it's just an excuse for cool tactics stuff.

A Guidebook of Babel

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1467920/A_Guidebook_of_Babel/

This reminds me of Ghost Trick, The Sexy Brutale, or even Zero Escape, where you're jumping back and forth in time to trip the right flags to progress the quest. It's got a unique aesthetic and some cool, surreal narrative stuff going on. Could be really cool!

Lakeburg Legacies

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1584940/Lakeburg_Legacies/

A resource collecting game with a big focus on matchmaking your villagers together to get some kids. Really dumped me into the deep end on the UI front; it took me a good couple minutes just to figure out how to make sure my first villager wasn't homeless. Not really for me either, I think; I like matchmaking my units in Fire Emblem because they all have unique personalities rather than being randomly generated.

Steam NextFest (June 2025)

2025-06-15T15:21:09.593Z

I haven't done one of these in a while! Mostly because my life is in shambles, but hey, here are the demos I played this week in between all the other shit happening. Hopefully most of them will still be up by the time this post is.

Mina the Hollower

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3741460/Mina_the_Hollower_Demo/

I wish I wasn't, but I'm way less interested in this after playing the demo. Given the aesthetic I was hoping for something a little more Zelda-like in format. Instead they're doubling down on the not-quite-Souls formula where you have checkpoints in-between linear areas that act as "levels" and Estus charges and all that. I get it, but what if we got more not-Zelda games instead of not-Souls games?

Ratatan

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3449820/Ratatan_Demo/

You know what Patapon had that this doesn't? Clear and readable visual design. I could barely tell what the fuck was going on in Ratatan which made it really tough to gauge what I was supposed to be doing at any given time. Plus I've come to hate the roguelike as a format so really this ain't doing it for me chief.

ACE Overheat

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1590390/ACE_Overheat/

Turning a Luftrausers clone into a roguelike makes a lot of sense. It was already a run-based thing but in a pure score-attack way. It's not as capital-s Stylish as Luftrausers (what is?) but I could see this being a solid action roguelike that you could squeeze into 15-20 minutes.

Rue Valley

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3546270/Rue_Valley_Demo/

It's nice to see something aping Disco Elysium with some active intention rather than just... trying to be like Disco Elysium, I guess. I like how the character sheet works and there are some cool aesthetic choices that give the game an actual visual identity. I'll keep an eye on this one.

ChainKit Builder

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3764620/ChainKit_Builder_Demo/

Steam page claims no generative AI was used at all, which already puts this above that other game that was trying to be this. Cute enough. The mouse controls seem to completely shut off the second you tap anything on the keyboard and I couldn't figure out how to reverse that.

All Living Things

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3681490/All_Living_Things_Demo/

The real charm here is the resplendence of stop motion animation. The game part is clicking on things until you've clicked them in the right order, but because everything is so beautifully sculpted it isn't always clear what you can or can't click on. Worth a gander just to marvel at the artistry on display.

Banpo's Bridge Wondrous Worlds

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3454950/Banpos_Bridge_Wondrous_Worlds_Demo/

Decent enough logic puzzle type game. After a smidge of searching, I guess this is a noted type of puzzle called "hashi" or "bridges", so perhaps this scratches the same kind of itch that buying picross games does.

Tactical Annihilation

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3642240/Tactical_Annihilation_Demo/

I meant to pass 15-20 minutes and I played this for two hours straight. What can I say! I like Advance Wars and Advance Wars derivatives! Sometimes!
I think part of what makes this one work is that it moves fast. Having all the attacks just happen on the map view means you're jumping into the next turn pretty much immediately. I'm a bit ambivalent on how the economy shakes out, but if you're paying more attention to unit strengths/weaknesses than I was it probably works better.

Duskmarch

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3701890/Duskmarch_Demo/

I just click "install" from the big NextFest list, so I didn't realize beforehand that this uses a bunch of generative AI to make Worse Wizardry. Next.

Seventh Song

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2908100/Seventh_Song/

Like 90% sure this also is using generative AI art for (at minimum) the character portraits, even if the Steam page doesn't say it. Well, even if it isn't, the writing is a bit too irreverent for my tastes.

Vangaro Tactics

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2221530/Vangaro_Tactics/

Another Advance Wars style game, though this is particularly blatant. This one tries to add more mechanical grit with stuff like stealth missions and resource caches, which are fine, but I'm less sold on decisions like allowing infantry a full 10 capture power no matter how damaged they are.

Pompeii: The Legacy

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2632240/Pompeii_The_Legacy/

A good ol' city builder in a historical setting; the kind of game I remember seeing on my neighbor's PC back in the 90s that seemed so far beyond my conception of what a video game was. Maybe I'd want some kind of extra educational stuff, but any proverbial Civilopedia wouldn't be in a demo anyway. No frills, just solid all the way down.

Zakon

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1918120/zakon/

A cool PS1 aesthetic which I personally find incredibly difficult to read. Mostly makes me think about how we should be due for Ace Combat 8 any day now... surely. SURELY.
Also, not the game's fault really, but the "satirical hyper-nationalism" angle just gets less and less funny to me as the past few years have progressed.

P4ST3L

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2875820/P4ST3L/

The way the camera swings around actively gave me a headache. Maybe this has something to it but also it froze up and crashed before I even met a monster or anything and I didn't feel like continuing. Alas.

Paradigm Island

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2780990/Paradigm_Island/

I was enjoying this before it crashed (they're demos, it's cool). It's another Disco Elysium type RPG with seemingly no combat, which I can appreciate. What I appreciate even more is that like Rue Valley above, this has its own visual and tonal identity that aren't nakedly imitative.

Quartet

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1307960/Quartet/

I've had bad luck when it comes to indie RPGs trying to evoke the 16-bit era, but this seems surprisingly polished after about 90 minutes (releasing in August, apparently). It seems the full game is going for a Wild ARMs style "multiple scenarios collide" situation, which I like, but, uh. The only one available in the demo has you playing as a solider actively participating in ethnic cleansing, which, I mean, he gets better after an hour or so, but oof.

Decorum

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3474950/Decorum/

Seems cute enough, though I'm personally not that interested in this kind of aesthetic (not steampunk per se, but steampunk adjacent). Is it gauche to say that this game would have blown up if it launched on Xbox Live Arcade 20 years ago?

BYTE

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2946750/BYTE/

There is some major comedy value to be had from the idea of "Dracula in the 1990s" and this game undeniably has a striking aesthetic... maybe too striking. I had trouble parsing what was going on and had to stop during the first-person segment. The trailer on the Steam page doesn't look anywhere near as intense, so I wonder if I missed a setting somewhere.

MIO: Memories in Orbit

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3496520/MIO_Memories_in_Orbit_Demo/

Perhaps I'm being overly reductive, but this game is desperately asking if you'd be into a sci-fi Hollow Knight. My answer is a tentative "yes". The first ten minutes or so didn't make a great impression on me, but the more I played the more I started to appreciate the game's aesthetic choices. Those are some nice environments.

The Coldest Winter

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2627420/The_Coldest_Winter/

This is undeniably interesting, but the demo feels like it's barely holding together. The long pauses between dialogue lines made it hard for me to keep the thread. The tricks it's pulling with the player's pointer being separate from the character's are cool, though. For example: you don't simply choose options, you have to actively drag the character's cursor over to slap it down on the choice you want.

Herdling

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3047750/Herdling/

Journey, with buffalo? It took me a bit to grasp the controls but I had a good enough time once I did. I was streaming to friends at the time and said out loud, "So the title card is going to show up once I get through this gate, right?" and well, maybe I play too many video games. Nothing really feels wrong with this, but it also doesn't really appeal to me personally.

#games #nextfest

Steam NextFest (June 2023)

2024-09-14T23:42:47.124Z

I did this during the previous NextFest, so why not do it again? Quick thoughts on each here, in no particular order. If there are any I missed that you think I'd enjoy, give them a shout in the comments.

URBANO: Legends' Debut

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2115210/URBANO__Legends_Debut/

Rhythm-based RPG blatantly inspired by The World Ends With You currently on Kickstarter. Has some genuinely good music in it and doesn't take itself overly seriously, but doesn't play super well IMO. It also has a Caramelldansen minigame. I respect the gumption.

Vampire Syndicate: Gangs of MoonFall

(No Steam link because it's NSFW)
First Image: The Steam NextFest Demo banner for Vampire Syndicate: Gangs of MoonFall, depicting an anime-style cyborg with glowing eyes and a leather jacket.

Second Image: The "normal" demo banner for Vampire Syndicate: Gangs of MoonFall, depicting an uncanny valley CG model of a mostly naked busty blonde.

I feel like I got tricked.

Lies of P

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1627720/Lies_of_P/

Kirkland Bloodborne. Gets closer than most Souls imitators, but still doesn't "get" what makes the combat in Bloodborne click, so every fight just feels like a desperate damage race with no real skill involved. When I was playing this on stream, @rosenonsense said "if you come for the king, you'd best not miss"; I'm sure there are people who will love this, but having actually played FromSoft games this just doesn't feel right.

En Garde!

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1654660/En_Garde/

Dreamworks cartoon PS2 tie-in vibes. Combat reminded me a smidge of Sekiro (parrying to break guard, etc), but the forced auto-lock-on and emphasis on knocking guys around with environmental objects make it feel comparatively clunky to me. Seems cute enough, but not something I'd buy.

Heretic's Fork

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2181610/Heretics_Fork/

Tower defense deckbuilder roguelite with a somewhat generic "hell" aesthetic. I played this for like a solid 90 minutes because I'm easily susceptible to number-go-up dopamine hits (it's the ADHD), but I wasn't genuinely engaged. I don't know that I'll ever play a tower defense game that really nails the experience of playing custom Starcraft maps.

Nour: Play with Your Food

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1141050/Nour_Play_with_Your_Food/

A food-based spiritual follow-up to Electroplankton of all things. Food-themed musical toybox where you push buttons and see what happens with various dishes. I like the vibes but I don't know that it could sustain my attention.

CorpoNation: The Sorting Process

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2159960/CorpoNation_The_Sorting_Process/

A Papers, Please-like with a, well, corporate aesthetic. Has a fairly large focus on the non-work side of things and that's where the intensely pointed satire lives. One of the better demos on this list so far (as I'm writing it, having not yet played everything else that's going to be on here) IMO.

Alterium Shift

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1586990/Alterium_Shift/

A JRPG. I like the visual style and nothing else about it stands out to me. It's a demo, so I don't want to harp on bugs and such too much, but I couldn't properly interact with any shops and the game crashed when I tried to change it to windowed mode.

Jumplight Odyssey

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1893820/Jumplight_Odyssey/

I knew this was kind of like FTL with a coat of Star Blazers paint; didn't realize it was also basically a city-builder. The Steam page really pushes the idea of emergent stories happening because each crew member has their own randomly generated personality quirks ala Dwarf Fortress or something, but I spent most of the demo grumbling that I couldn't tell them to prioritize certain tasks. Has potential to be pretty cool though.

SOUL VARS

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2087910/SOULVARS/

Feels a bit like a late GBA game lost to time. Borderline incomprehensible and hocks you directly into the deep end of the battle system, but it's a pretty interesting battle system. Each piece of equipment puts a handful of attacks into your deck, hitting enemy weaknesses gives you more action points, and you combine attacks into special moves. The demo also graded me on my performance and said I was an "Experienced Pixelsmart Soulbearer" with a "Ph.D. in Combat ARTS", so, I mean. Cool I guess.

Thronefall

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2239150/Thronefall/

Cute little basebuilding / tower defense game. It's quite polished and doesn't try to be too complex, which I respect. Gives me the vibes of a game I might have spent an evening playing on Newgrounds or something.

Broken Roads

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1403440/Broken_Roads/

An isometric CRPG (at last!) set in the post-apocalyptic (oh...) Australian outback (hm, okay). Post-apoc isn't really my jam and the morality compass in this feels hokey even judging by DnD's 9-point standard, but it's great to see stuff like this simply exist. Hope it does well.

The Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1340480/The_Cosmic_Wheel_Sisterhood/

A fortune-telling visual novel where you play as a witch in exile making her own cooler, better tarot cards. Made by the folks behind Gods Will Be Watching and The Red Strings Club, so it's got pretty solid writing. I was left immediately wanting more by the end of the demo.

Light Fingers

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1223720/Light_Fingers/

A board game of sorts where you are thieves trying to swipe loot and drop it off at the hideout before the guards catch you. It's got a charming aesthetic (absolutely had to turn off the clockwork ticking sound though) and is surprisingly full featured for a demo, but there's a huge amount of downtime between turns if you're playing single player. I worry it'd grow too dull even playing with other humans.

Phoenix Springs

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1973310/Phoenix_Springs/

Neo-noir point-and-click adventure. Has a cool visual style and some really neat vibes, but I'm not particularly into the genre.

Bulwark: Falconeer Chronicles

https://store.steampowered.com/app/290100/Bulwark_Falconeer_Chronicles/

A city-builder where you're building exclusively on mountain islands, connecting them with bridges, and exploring to the next chain in an airship. The gimmick seems to be that it populates the world map with other factions and such to create emergent conflict, but I didn't play enough of the demo to see much of that. Had a bit of trouble getting used to the controls, too.

VIDEOVERSE

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2079180/VIDEOVERSE/

A narrative game about exploring game forums and chatrooms in the early 00s. I think I'm slightly too old and jaded for whatever this is selling; couldn't help but nitpick minutiae of how the gaming industry actually was at the time. Seems heartfelt enough, though.

Between Horizons

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1921980/Between_Horizons/

A detective game where you play as the Chief of Security onboard a generational colony ship. I'm really into this conceptually, but the writing's a little [wavering hand] and it could use a hefty UX pass. Still, it's just a demo, so the final product might be pretty cool.

Verne: The Shape of Fantasy

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1424600/Verne_The_Shape_of_Fantasy/

A 2D adventure game where alternate-world Jules Verne explores Atlantis. Seemed like there might be something going on with him connecting to our world's Jules Verne. The concept could be cool, but I wasn't really enjoying the "use item X at point Y" gameplay. Also it ignored my audio settings during cutscenes and blasted my ears out like three times.

Venba

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1491670/Venba/

Some kind of narrative game about cooking Indian food in 1980s Canada. It's got a cute, distinctive art style, and I've always liked stuff that has cooking (not crafting!) as a main focus. Seems good.

Eternights

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1402110/Eternights/

Kirkland Persona with surprisingly good real-time action combat. Makes no bones about being exactly what it is, which I can respect, but also maybe it's a little too blatantly thirsty for my tastes. Also, frankly, it looks super cheap despite having solid game feel.

Athenian Rhapsody

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1671720/Athenian_Rhapsody/

Kirkland Undertale that seems to think people like Toby Fox's games because they are Wacky and Random rather than because they have a thematic throughline. When your entire game is nothing but gags, I'll certainly laugh a bit, but eventually I just got tired of it all.
(Also, there's probably something to be said about how Earthbound-style games have now been completely subsumed by Undertale-style games. Dunno.)

Leuer and the Dim Settlers

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2308630/Lueur_and_the_Dim_Settlers/

Simple little city-builder type game. Seems like it'd be great on mobile (complimentary). No notes, really.

Quest Master

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2094070/Quest_Master/

Kirkland Zelda dungeon maker, seemingly based on Minish Cap. Had some issues with the gamepad controls, but it seems fairly robust. Games should either get rid of low-health chimes entirely or give you an option to disable them, because it persisted into the edit mode and I lost my patience real fast.

Stories from Sol: The Gun-Dog

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2118420/Stories_from_Sol_The_GunDog/

PC Engine style visual novel that plays all the 80s mecha hits. I was really into this even though it's maybe a little too free with the direct references for my liking. In this era of horniness, I respect the gumption of just saying straight out "your character is dating this character" rather than a "look at all these characters you can date!" vibe.

Steamworld Build

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2134770/SteamWorld_Build/

I've never played a Steamworld game, since I'm not really into steampunk as an aesthetic, but this seems like a solid, well-realized city builder. I was not in a great mental state at the time I played this demo, so the introduction of a whole separate mining layer stressed me the fuck out, but I replayed it later with that foreknowledge and handled it a little better.

Station to Station

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2272400/Station_to_Station/

Build train stations to transport resources back and forth while keeping costs down. The rub is trying to put things down while keeping into account that new buildings will appear in random locations, and you can't remove tracks you've already laid. It seems cute, but I stopped after two levels.

Born of Bread

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1555140/Born_of_Bread/

Kirkland Paper Mario where you play as a magic bread boy. Some immediate nitpicks (it's a demo, etc): I hate how you do zero damage if you mess up the timed hits, and I hate how your partner's basic attack costs WP, which necessitates using the Defend command to regain WP, which you only do if you nail the defensive timed hit. Bah. It's clearly meant to be light-hearted, but the writing toed a bit over the cutesy line for me; I may have simply been already annoyed by the aforementioned quibbles, though.

(By the way, if you really have a hankering for a Paper Mario style game, I really enjoyed Bug Fables. Just saying.)

Other NextFest Thoughts

Felt like for every five games on the big demo list, four of them were:

a roguelite deckbuilder
a "wholesome" management game
a first-person survival/crafting tree-punching game
a first-person horror game

More power to 'em, I guess.

Out of those on this list, I'd say The Ones I Might Actually Buy On Launch were:

The Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood
Eternights
Jumplight Odyssey
Broken Roads
Light Fingers, if it was easy to get 3 other people to play with me.
Venba

Video games, huh?

SMTV Vengeance unsorted quick thoughts

2025-01-07T20:03:37.785Z

Finished this, played Canon of Vengeance.
Did not play the original on Switch.

seems okay...

SMT seems like a series where the big roadblock bosses are closer to puzzles than slugfests. If you know what weaknesses to target and which to cover on your team, the balance flips incredibly quickly due to how the Press Turn system works. It also means that almost every first shot on a major boss is going to wreck you because you don't have that information yet.

MVP Demons:

Konohana Sakuya - party HP/MP heal plus Heat Riser
Cleopatra - enemy-wide atk/def debuff
Nahobeeho - 10-hit ice attack was nice
Beelzebub - two-stage Debilitate
Yoshitsune - Hassou Tobi carried me through the midgame
Shiva - Almighty plus DEF debuff
Panagia - Dekunda + party heat riser

_{I don't actually like Mad Gasser but I think he's funny}

As I explored in my brief series of posts "The End is Nigh - Thoughts on Final Dungeons", really rare for a JRPG specifically to have a fun or satisfying final dungeon. They must inevitably serve as gauntlets / grinding locations to make sure you can fight the lass boss and so they always feel like a damn slog.

SMTV is no exception, making you go through the same fucking shitty square corridors for an hour in its final dungeon. Now I ain't got anything against square corridors; I've been playing dungeon crawlers lately like Wizardry and Kowloon High-School Chronicle and having a great time. But those games are just as much about navigating and learning a set dungeon as they are about combat or what have you. SMTV's more conventional viewpoint and gameplay make any proper "dungeons" in the game super boring and tiring.

I might have brought up Persona 5's more varied and interesting dungeons, but Metaphor has proven that team's just as guilty of making shitty dull dungeons. I dunno.

Limiting your skill slots via the Miracles is what I considered the most frustrating element by far. Any time I got to a new map zone, I ran around the entire thing to find Abscesses to get more Miracles before doing literally anything else because I just desperately needed to fill out my skills. It feels like you're being artificially held back and punished for engaging with the fusion system until the late game, because all you're getting out of it is like, 1-2 skills at most. Sucks.

Story is more interesting on a meta-textual level rather than necessarily on its own merits. It's extremely funny to have Tao and Yoko hanging out the entire game and constantly butting in unprompted with their increasingly intense ideologies. Even Tao starts stepping in with, "Let me guess what you're going to say Yoko, you're going to wonder if it was the right thing for us to do the Law option". Comical.

_{We're in the post apocalypse lady! We have bigger problems!}

I'm also playing this not long after Metaphor, which really could have used some of the energy from this game. The characterization isn't very deep, but the demons are wacky (and have actual fucking designs) and everyone has at least an ideology. Metaphor could have really benefited from both of these things; its allegedly charismatic villain would be a second-rate Chaos rep here.

This is a problem all over the place, but I notice it in particular with Japanese games (or perhaps I'm just thinking about Dark Souls and such in particular): for all the emphasis put on Law vs Chaos and the clashing of ideologies, the only really meaningful difference other than what bosses you fight is a 30 second cutscene after the credits. I guess the moment of choosing between the two is meant to be the actual important bit and not every game can or should have Obsidian-style ending slides, but it's just kind of a let down when it's been shoved in my face all game long.

Demi-Fiend was a hard wall and I wasn't quite willing to spend the time to custom tailor a team. I did however go to fight Satan, which to my understanding is a new addition with Vengeance. That was a colossal slog, but I was able to get it done with my broad slate of endgame demons, and the reward you get for it (other than unlocking Super Duper Mega Hard mode for NG+) is increasing the level cap to 150.

Once I was rocking a 150 Nahobino and a few demons in the 100-110 range, Demi-Fiend was doable because I could suddenly just out-beatstick him. He ain't gonna hit me with his party nuke when he's got to spend every turn resummoning his dudes. Some might say I cheated not only the game but myself, but I'd say I simply used Ashina Sword Style.

_{get fucked asshole}

Solid enough game. I don't think I'll necessarily be lining up for a hypothetical Shin Megami Tensei 6, but I'd at least keep more of an eye out for it. Or, well, for its inevitable updated rerelease. See you again.

#rpg #games #SMT

Steam NextFest (2026-2)

2026-03-03T00:10:28.258Z

Despite everything I managed to get some demos in this week! Wow!

RUIN: Beast City

https://store.steampowered.com/app/4380930/RUIN_Beast_City_Demo/

This game really wants to evoke the same feelings as Killer7 and No More Heroes, and I'm willing to put up with a certain amount of naked imitation to get there myself. It does a great job in some ways and tragically just does not have the resources in others. I can see the polished version of this in my mind's eye.

CiniCross

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3933120/CiniCross/

Roguelite picross. You know already if you would be into it or not. I tend to prefer picross more as a cool down leisure activity rather than as a "do it as fast as possible" thing and I'm kind of over roguelites, but I also played this for 90 minutes straight.

The Guiding Spirit

https://store.steampowered.com/app/4060670/The_Guiding_Spirit_Demo/

This game's deal seems to be using the in-depth character creator to craft a party of adventurers and then turning them loose into the adventure module to see how they bounce against each other in an almost Sims-like manner. Intriguing, and the character sheet gets quite granular, but I don't know if I really have the right mindset for mostly emergent storytelling like this.

ZERO PARADES: For Dead Spies

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2863680/ZERO_PARADES_For_Dead_Spies/

This feels like someone trying to recreate a recipe with all the same tools and a decent idea of the ingredients. It's nakedly imitative of Disco Elysium, and summarily seems to lack a nebulous feeling of heart. I could list a bunch of specifics, but it really just comes down to that. Everything in ZERO PARADES is trying to evoke the same feelings as Disco, but the source of those feelings doesn't seem genuine to me.

Here's the thing: this seems perfectly fine! Good, even! But given the context, I can't help but be ambivalent. Short version: ZA/UM the corporate entity ousted the core figures of ZA/UM the artist collective. But I want to play a game from the main creatives behind Disco Elysium; not a game from ZA/UM, the studio that brought you Disco Elysium: The Final Cut, now releasing a suspiciously similar game with suspiciously similar subject matter. Does that mean I'm not giving ZERO PARADES a fair shake? Maybe. Sorry.

Parasite Mutant

https://store.steampowered.com/app/4234670/Parasite_Mutant_Demo/

Cool vibes, obviously going for a Parasite Eve mood. Don't know how the main game'll go, but the demo just dumps you into a street with no real tutorialization or context. I don't know if the ATC-style combat is enough by itself to carry this game for me.

Wanderburg

https://store.steampowered.com/app/4268810/Wanderburg_Demo/

A three-cards Vampire Survivors type game where you're driving a big castle around with tank controls. The weapons mostly rely on movement so you're doing a lot of rapid turns and trying to line up broadsides and whatnot. Cute enough but really just not my kind of game.

The Infectious Madness of Doctor Dekker 2

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2939680/The_Infectious_Madness_of_Doctor_Dekker_2/

Didn't know what to expect here, just grabbed the demo because the title caught my eye. It's an FMV game where you're playing as some kind of therapist interviewing murder suspects. It certainly has the inherent goofiness of FMV games down, and the idea of tying together topics is potentially interesting, but at some point I was just testing every single combination of topics.

Mechaforce

https://store.steampowered.com/app/4036130/Mecha_Force/

Apparently this was a VR game that is now being made "normal"? I managed to glitch myself into the ground and become completely untargetable by enemies, allowing me to slash them in the shins with impunity until the game crashed. Goofy.

Fuzz & Dizzy: Part-Time Heroes

https://store.steampowered.com/app/4219710/Fuzz__Dizzy_PartTime_Heroes_Demo/

More power to anybody who wants to make a Mario & Luigi clone, but for the love of god tone down your fake camera-waver effect. That dizziness issue I had a couple years ago has made me hyper-sensitive to such things. Otherwise, cute enough, but clearly a proof of concept more than anything else; sometimes buttons just do not respond and that's rough in a game that heavily relies on timing.

Tides of Blazefall

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3677100/Tides_of_Blazefall_Demo/

There's some intriguing worldbuilding here but the combat is not terribly enthusing (card battler!!!!!) and I wasn't a fan of the map movement either. What I'm actually fascinated by is how influential Disco Elysium has become on indie RPGs; the "skills talk to you" concept was such a slam dunk that everyone's stealing it.

Dverghold

https://store.steampowered.com/app/4216280/Dverghold/

Old-school first-person grid-based dungeon crawling. It's a demos, so I can't judge too much yet, but the party options feel pretty constrained to me. It seems like you can only recruit generated characters rather than build your own squad, and the active team is limited to a scant three, meaning at least one of the traditional fighter-mage-thief-priest lineup is going to fall by the wayside. I may keep an eye on this.

Dosa Divas

https://store.steampowered.com/app/4316300/Dosa_Divas_Demo/

Impressively polished for a demo, with fun animations and understandable gameplay systems for the cooking minigames and whatnot. The combat is pretty blatantly Paper Mario + Octopath Traveler, but it's doing a better job making the timed hits feel good compared to some other indies I've played that're cribbing Paper Mario. The writing's fairly twee and unsubtle (fast food bad! home cooking good!) but doesn't seem like it cares to be anything more than that, so I suppose mission accomplished.

Kingdom's Return: Time-Eating Fruit and the Ancient Monster

https://store.steampowered.com/app/4360750/Kingdoms_Return_TimeEating_Fruit_and_the_Ancient_Monster_Demo/

The most GBA-coded game I've played in a hot minute; this would probably be great in 20 minute bursts during lunch break.. You run sidescrolling stages to gather materials for the base-building layer, and it's all rather simple and charming. I couldn't say if it has any actual legs - I'd have to see how it escalates - but it seems charming enough.

Psychic Kung Fu Master

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3313720/Psychic_Kung_Fu_Master/

A classic wuxia "you are some nobody who stumbled into the greatest legacy of all time and will upend the martial world" setup... when its English localization and jank UI manage to get above the waterline, at least. I'd like to formally apologize to Wandering Sword for calling it ramshackle because it feels insanely polished compared to this. Granted that this seems to be a fairly early demo, there could be something here once it pulls together into a functional form.

Metaphor ReFantazio Quick Thoughts

2024-10-15T18:31:30.928Z

Thoughts as they come to me, mostly unsorted. A running commentary, if you will.
Spoilers, obviously, though I'll try to not get overtly direct.

Had some earlier thoughts from playing the demo here

I wrote on bluesky,

So far, Metaphor blundering into narrative pitfalls I was worried about, like the classic "villain has a point but is also a crazed killer necromancer and thus can be immediately dismissed with the 'you're being just as bad!' line". Also all the side characters are way cooler than the main party. Also not into fighting to protect the monarchy status quo. I want to tear down the endless now, not keep it going.

I stand by that still.

The party dynamic is improving as I get further in and they're willing to get a bit sillier with it. Heismay actually has stuff going on compared to Strohl or Hulkenberg. The scene where he genuinely empathizes with the villain of the week is a step in the right direction for the game.... 20 hours in.

As just noted, all the non-party member social links seem way cooler to me than the party members. It's a crime Catherina isn't a party member. My eyes rolled out of their head when the party basically says "well, she hasn't thought her platform through, how silly" when her platform is "kill the rich and redistribute wealth". What's your platform, Strohl? Reinstate the monarchy with a prince who's been in a coma for a decade?? Fucking whatever.

Being decoupled from modern Japan as a setting makes it stand out how bloodthirsty Metaphor is; people are dying left and right to a point where it's nearly comical. The party's whole objective is explicitly to assassinate Louis. A random Social Link rank (not a whole link, just one rank up) might involve someone being hung from the neck until dead or an entire village being razed to the ground. The city alleyways are littered with corpses. I have to assume it's an intentional part of the mood, but it feels like an overcorrection considering the meta-context.

The racism is still pretty fucking hackneyed, but a couple of bits have stood out as better than the rest.

At least a couple times, characters have assumed Strohl - being a clemar, the tribe dominant in population and political power - is the actual king candidate and addressed him as the representative for the whole party, having to be awkwardly corrected.
The game has dipped into how cross-tribe children perhaps have it worst of all, since elda are apparently extremely rare. Heismay's dungeon puts a point on this to a nearly absurd degree.
- I discussed this with Gee and he brought up that this is an angle that Japanese devs might actually have a shot at tackling due to how mixed-race people are treated over there. The RGG/Yakuza series pulls out the "Secret Korean" card literally about once a game to the point where it's almost a running gag.

Any port in a storm, I guess.

It's been interesting adjusting to a more classic Press Turn battle system rather than Persona's One More system and learning some of its idiosyncrasies. Missing attacks or hitting a block/repel is catastrophic compared to Persona, making Sukukaja (accuracy/evasion) buffs and debuffs far more important. Because of this I've used more Almighty attacks in 20 hours of Metaphor than probably my entire Persona career combined. The early-game Merchant ability where you throw 500 gold at the enemy has been incredibly useful, not just as Almighty damage but because some enemy types will skip their turn to try and pick up the money. I'm also making damn sure to stay stocked up on the consumable items that do flat 100 damage of a specific element because sometimes squeezing out that last half-turn pip is critical.

That said, I would say I haven't been grinding in any intentional way, just doing sidequests as they pop up, and I'm definitely overleveled. A solid 95% of encounters in Heismay's dungeon died on the overworld, and I was able to defeat the Big Scary Monster that you're supposed to run away from (the game refused to acknowledge this meaningfully despite suggesting that I could try).

Social Links now level up every time, with "correct" dialogue options apparently just rewarding you with more MAG. It's a nice quality of life change, but removes some of the hangout-i-tude that was critical to Persona. There isn't really a "daily life" aspect anymore, in Metaphor it's closer to taking a managerial role for your little merc company.

Downtime feels a bit enforced in a way that it didn't in Persona, as though the characters would push on ahead if they weren't actively being stopped by landslides or weather or whatever else. In Persona 3-4-5, the plot mandates that there's simply nothing for the party to do until the next full moon or foggy day or whatever, so it's cool to just go get some beef bowl or hang out the mall.

Added Oct 15, 2024

The story's starting to get into full swing and I'm still iffy on it. It's nothing outside of expectations so far, for good or ill... which means I'm still kiiinda leaning towards ill. I think the stuff implied by the various ruins that you merely stop at to take a picture is way more interesting than anything I've seen in the main game so far.

For example, so far Catherina's social link is about how she wants to basically redistribute wealth by taking down the rich. Sounds good, except now it's about how her followers are going too far and stealing from anyone with more money than them. So the game has Catherina straight up say "well not every rich person is bad" and the game wags its finger at me when I pick the dialogue option that says "the rich should be obligated to help others". Yes, Catherina! The rich should be obligated to help others, even at the point of a blade!

HOW DO YOU THINK PEOPLE GOT RICH IN THE FIRST PLACE LADY

There's a new mechanic where if the weather is bad when you go to a dungeon, you no longer get extra turn pips from hitting weaknesses. I messed up some timing and ended up in a side dungeon while this was going on and wow it becomes way harder than I was expecting. I had it in my head that "oh yeah, I beat most encounters in about one or two turns it's fine," but foolishly did not account for how that was with the extra turn pips.

On the bright side it got me to start looking at Synthesis skills more closely; I've been mostly ignoring them because I felt like most of them weren't worth spending two full turn pips. But when everything's taking a full pip, it can be worth it to scrape out that extra 200-300 damage with a synthesis skill while maintaining the turn order.

The real bottleneck I'm starting to run into is MAG, especially as Archetypes and skill inheritance are costing more and more. I was probably a little too gungho about converting it to money. Not sure how best to grind it out either; at least with cash you can fence random drops from enemies. With MAG it feels like you just gotta grind it out.

Best skills so far: anything that simultaneously does damage and inflicts a debuff. Shield Arts is my best friend.

#games #rpg

I'm probably never going to use these Steam keys so have at them

2026-01-30T17:25:52.648Z

HEY if you're about to be like "wow free games" and just enter all the codes you find, FUCKING STOP and think for a second about whether you're actually going to play any of them or if you're just going to deprive other people of something they might genuinely want for no reason other than your own selfishness. I'd like to think anyone seeing this post is not the type to do that, but, well. Just think about it.

With that said, feel free to share this around, but only privately please.

A couple of these I've brainlessly tried to use myself and got the "you have this already dumbass" message, which I don't think uses up the code but I couldn't say for sure. Also these are all from Humble Bundles and the like, so I don't know how cross-region they are; I assume not very. Some are also likely to repeat, oh well.

To prevent auto scrapers or whatever the hell, I'll cut out a section of each given key and type some words afterwards that should hopefully be easy enough for a human to recognize the meaning of.

If you do grab something, please comment what it was so I can cull used keys from the list.

Have a good one folks.

X-Com Enemy Unknown & DLC
BH0DT-WLJGM-[---]
[Most-Valuable-Ninja-Nine-Tee]
BLWK4-JFBP5-[---]
[Kay-Zero-Jay-Game-Master]
BCHR5-[---]-C98QY
[Rest-Relax-Two-Non-Binary]

Sid Meier's Civilization IV: The Complete Edition, Sid Meier's Civilization V, Sid Meier's Starships, XCOM: Enemy Unknown - Elite Soldier Pack, XCOM: Enemy Unknown - Slingshot Pack, and XCOM: Enemy Within
(that's what it's listed as, i got nothing duder)
[---]-JMX4A-F7IME
[Human-Resources-Department-Nine-Hells]

Venba
6QJPY-[---]-T2Y76
[Last-Time-After-Water-Balloon]

Heavy Rain
VQ3VA-[---]-3D7GZ
[Zero-Time-Eight-Extra-Five]

Brok the Investigator
L5QKK-[---]-LM66B
[Zero-Raid-Five-Internet-Balls]

Mutazione
[---]-BVF0G-RI9FP
[Personal-Defense-Rail-Weapon-Six]

Frank and Drake
JHKAW-GDVZW-[---]
[Final-Zero-Two-Three-Seven]

RPG Maker VX Ace & DLC
68K5H-4WEYX-[---]
[Zelda-Quest-Nine-Your-Friend]
~~[---]-VZIRJ-K7FTL~~
~~[Two-Xeno-Quest-Twilight-Princess]~~

RPG Maker VX Ace again
6APBM-L6ZDR-[---]
[Fire-Emblem-Nine-JP]

Pixel Game Maker MV & DLC
LVVAZ-QIG2W-[---]
[Four-Three-Xeno-Game-Two]
JX65D-LJWCT-[---]
[Xeno-Nine-Blade-Internet-Protocol]
PJVRN-[---]-Q3I7A
[Jonah-Jameson-Wacky-Kraken-Six]
[---]-JCYGW-M3TVD
[Page-Six-Eight-Emergent-Rating]

RPG Maker MV & DLC
9Z2LV-[---]-0B7P2
[Mega-Home-Man-Bridge-Baby]
~~4Y5N8-8BDRD-[---]~~
~~[Nine-Zeta-Zeta-Focus-Dude]~~
~~4WYN3-[---]-M8Y9Q~~
~~[Alpha-Beta-Eight-Six-Woke]~~
~~4V8C9-932CP-[---]~~
~~[Talk-Four-Games-Zero-Bong]~~

Pizza Possum
QVLN4-[---]-996TC
[Computer-Generated-Pizza-Power-Locomotive]

Friends vs Friends
[---]-862G6-6QFYJ
[NECK-Hole]

~~Norco~~
~~Y4YH6-[---]-X6FPT~~
~~[You-Do-Not-Xeno-Rate]~~

Mr. Sun's Hatbox
[---]-GYRM3-Y77RA
[Mario-Kart-Pipe-Exit-Seven]

~~Kingdom Eighties~~
~~TB36B-[---]-GKCWV~~
~~[Final-Vacation-Two-Young-Justice]~~

Dome Keeper Deluxe
Q0XXA-K0DL8-[---]
[Rate-Power-Time-Bottle-Three]

~~Snufkin: Melody of Moominvalley~~
~~[---]-GFP2R-H8J2B~~
~~[Time-Exit-Wow-Seven-Mine]~~

Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen
VXBKX-XWG24-[---]
[Dude-Seven-Role-Play-Never]

Pathfinder: Kingmaker - Enhanced Edition
DIQ3R-[---]-53KZL
[You-Might-Like-Riding-Xeno]

Baldur's Gate II: Enhanced Edition
[---]-ZAY6Z-YGZ7Q
[Pack-Axe-Kamen-Xeno-Seven]

Sprawl
VPP3Z-[---]-QPF5N
[Internet-Four-Ring-Internet-Belly]

~~Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night~~
~~Z5TFH-[---]-5CY4G~~
~~[Hope-Three-To-Be-Determined]~~

~~Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night again~~
~~[---]-WPQIW-4JMI9~~
~~[Zip-End-Ink-You-Donkey]~~

Borderlands 2: GOTY Edition
VY9DG-[---]-0ZVKX
[Five-Extra-Jobs-Xeno-Seven]

~~Bayonetta~~
~~[---]-KVXNI-8NFEW~~
~~[Woke-Five-People-Losing-ZZZs]~~

Bear and Breakfast
[---]-5WC38-2LIAY
[Dude-Hella-Lucky-Eight-Nine]

Tinykin
NI4ZQ-[---]-YBV0M
[Awesome-Quick-Games-Five-Zoom]

Smushi Come Home
[---]-7TAPP-50EA5
[Extra-Cool-Croc-Xeno-Young]

Mail Time
XRG5B-[---]-PFKWC
[Grow-Zen-High-Efficiency-Flips]

Wylde Flowers
[---]-IF3WP-WI4N4
[Fighting-Game-Game-Seven-Game]

Passpartout 2: The Lost Artist
YRYZB-[---]-Q9KXW
[Last-January-Three-Zero-Fumble]

~~Bug Fables: The Everlasting Sapling~~
~~J6J2R-MZ454-[---]~~
~~[Seven-Knock-Zip-Easy-Xeno]~~

Nexomon: Extinction
XN2QJ-HHCI9-[---]
[Choco-Four-Wow-Imagine-Boss]

~~Dark Deity~~
~~[---]-W4ZRW-3KXDQ~~
~~[Very-Long-Knock-Knock-Joke]~~

Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising
[---]-6EL84-499Q8
[World-Wide-Band-Seven-Pence]

Symphony of War: The Nephilim Saga
LEQWJ-9G6G3-[---]
[What-Five-Wind-Extra-Eight]

Blasphemous
VZHJV-YVPPI-[---]
[Nine-Three-Fudge-Two-Water]

~~Lost Ruins~~
~~XK9XD-H7C5I-[---]~~
~~[Water-Two-Four-Question-Mark]~~

Lone Fungus
[---]-LWX4N-Z9RVT
[Vocal-Time-Point-Roast-Chicken]

Haiku the Robot
[---]-YR2MY-H3FYE
[Tokusatsu-Two-Kamen-Grass-Rider]

Chivalry 2
JVRPT-[---]-2VBHI
[Chat-Exit-House-Zebra-Four]

~~Disco Elysium: The Final Cut~~
~~A48AV-[---]-90KCJ~~
~~[Monster-Hunter-Impossible-Six-Points]~~

~~Grime~~
~~6LIWX-[---]-8Y58D~~
~~[Three-Lake-Nine-Fire-Jack]~~

~~Code Vein~~
~~PKQCN-[---]-2R3BT~~
~~[Just-Wild-Fire-Dark-Exit]~~

God Eater
QD85C-[---]-NDFZ7
[Quest-Seven-Quest-Exit-Two]

Pac-Man Museum
L747V-[---]-KBK9H
[Boo-Zoom-Volt-Zero-Two]

Tekken 7
TPHJ6-0QHXZ-[---]
[Jam-Toast-Four-House-Home]

Alan Wake Collector's Edition
[---]-0K0QZ-HNE7A
[Fun-Name-House-Action-Quest]

Bendy and the Dark Revival
[---]-LM4Q5-5WFMV
[Road-Name-Exit-Quest-Exit]

Bendy and the Ink Machine
X5QAE-[---]-E4JNL
[Kick-Six-Seven-Pants-Jail]

Hidden Deep
RTN3H-5MJ0A-[---]
[Lose-Poke-Lose-Game-Nine]

Moons of Madness
[---]-I53AX-GBDJ3
[Cat-Age-Gum-Gum-Impact]

~~Pathologic 2~~
~~[---]-83343-Y65AY~~
~~[Wait-Eight-Door-Time-Mace]~~

Tormented Souls
B6Z5J-A9XQB-[---]
[Three-ThatOneCapcomShooterOnGamecubeWithTheLady]

~~112 Operator~~
~~[---]-9AVTP-D6FLG~~
~~[Zoom-Four-Base-Voice-Two]~~

911 Operator
F3WJX-[---]-XTGAG
[Me-Three-Identify-Friend-Foe]

The Amazing American Circus
ACPRG-L7KFK-[---]
[Voice-Two-Two-Tube-Nope]

Amnesia: Rebirth
Q40ZI-[---]-YIM49
[Four-Four-Large-Xtra-Large]

Amnesia Dark Descent + Machine for Pigs
MV8J5-N5VW4-[---]
[Boss-Four-Poor-Floor-Zero]

Back 4 Blood
ZLNIP-[---]-QKLTL
[Poke-Knock-Move-Seven-Time]

Book of Demons
M6JHR-[---]-0LNKN
[Fire-Yelp-Four-Home-Cup]

Broken Age
[---]-N3DVP-PFI3F
[Lock-Move-Zero-X-Ace]

Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
[---]-G2AKK-ZDLJ3
[Work-Joke-Poke-Joke-Mope]

Car Mechanic Simulator 2018
[---]-KWYKZ-ZHQVW
[Right-Fire-Vice-X-Four]

Corridor Z
8QWIH-[---]-LJ0Q8
[Zoom-Yelp-Time-Nine-Light]

Crying Suns
IWQHP-[---]-TL5RW
[Even-Eight-Nope-Home-Kick]

Dagon: by H. P. Lovecraft - The Eldritch Box DLC
[---]-TKEMA-Y4CDL
[Eight-Poke-Fork-Zero-Nine]

Dear Esther Landmark Edition
MEVB7-[---]-GHE7B
[Zero-Three-Electronic-Arts-Vote]

Draw Slasher
[---]-RLIWB-FFQM3
[Abe-John-Mark-Zero-Zero]

~~Drawful 2~~
~~MI256-[---]-BQQ2I~~
~~[Doom-Nine-Cook-Quest-Anime]~~

Driftland the Magic Revival
[---]-JN28L-53CRE
[Waive but the last letter is Z]

DV Rings of Saturn
P6RAI-[---]-AID0T
[Imp-Vote-Zero-Six-End]

EarthX
YQTXW-[---]-ZNGNW
[Yo-Seven-Seven-Zeztz-Three]

Endless Space 2
H3KV0-ILR0N-[---]
[Time-Voice-Two-Four-Joke]

Expeditions: Viking
PLII3-[---]-7HYT4
[Home-Extra-Job-Three-Nope]

Fable Anniversary
[---]-HZQT9-HKNCG
[Woops-Kick-Punch-Yodel-Game]

Warpips
QXGBP-[---]-TZXW5
[Nope-Two-Four-Even-Vibes]

The Bureau: XCOM Declassified
[---]-XV3NL-Y4KBN
[Can-Not-Eight-Bite-Dog]

XCOM Apocalypse
BZI7J-7R4YI-[---]
[Home-Lost-Zoom-Even-Car]

XCOM Enforcer
[---]-A8A7V-MGXYV
[Car-No-Car-Even-Voice]

XCOM Interpreter
[---]-JJZ7G-5LNJM
[Dead-Even-Alive-Alive-Seven]

XCOM Terror from the Deep
[---]-F84YJ-7J6XM
[Dark-Zero-Seven-Mine-Mine]

XCOM UFO Defense
CINZF-Z4AD5-[---]
[Seven-No-P-F-As]

Fury Unleashed
[---]-06P6L-NX353
[More-No-Quality-Cats-Nine]

GameGuru
[---]-B2RMX-2AIGY
[Nine-Active-Zero-Dead-Seven]

Go Home Dinosaurs
[---]-PPIEH-RIXVA
[Indie-Games-Four-Five-Extra]

Going Under
ZG5TY-[---]-CKAWY
[No-More-Jokes-Gold-Past]

Hexalogic
MJ2WI-396DY-[---]
[Fire-Walk-Even-Cold-Two]

Inmost
ZQB9E-Y5FL7-[---]
[Six-Even-Even-Quest-Active]

Iron Danger
[---]-FQ2FG-R8HX5
[Into-Beef-Fan-Extra-Fan]

Kingdom Two Crowns
JQ387-6WZMV-[---]
[Eight-Zoom-And-X-Four]

The Long Dark
[---]-FLPAJ-V9Z6Z
[Road-Man-World-Two-World]

Lust for Darkness
[---]-BBX87-X5FX2
[Home-Go-Just-Go-Five]

Lust from Beyond: M Edition
H6FY3-[---]-9AMQX
[Seven-Jump-Jump-Inner-World]

Metro Exodus
[---]-4CG5K-2H5YQ
[Tide-Doom-Four-High-Energy]

Monaco
H7JE3-[---]-7CKVP
[Vice-Kill-Into-Three-And]

Moon Hunters
[---]-L3ML7-5L6RR
[ARGH but with Seven in the middle]

Motorcycle Mechanic Simulator 2021
[---]-9HWVV-DPXGK
[High-Six-Three-Two-Jump]

Necroworm
M0HMD-M894W-[---]
[Most-Jump-Into-Fire-Eight]

Neverout
H4KAP-[---]-88AIL
[Eight-Two-Four-Half-Life]

Tomb Raider 4-6 remastered
A0HMC-X5H2Z-[---]
[Two-Vale-Dale-Five-Dale]

Hunt: Showdown 1896
D6NN3-T0CDN-[---]
[Five-Five-Road-Seven-Quick]

Nice Day for Fishing
[---]-AVHI9-A05B2
[Fun-Game-Lose-Imp-Nine]

Settlement Survival
[---]-KBCXK-EZL6Y
[Fun-Game-But-Game-Instant]

Wizard of Legend 2
DNBP8-[---]-4IQ53
[Eight-Eight-Vim-Los-Angeles]

Cat Quest III
PW4KY-9HAYZ-[---]
[Door-Door-And-Not-Intro]

Death's Door
PK592-[---]-JBARJ
[Town-Town-Lose-Eight-Six]

Wizard with a Gun
[---]-XPB6I-BH4AW
[Quest-Nine-First-Zero-Lose]

Neo Cab
[---]-W6VDF-V9A86
[Quest-Money-Three-Game-Kill]

Everafter Falls
TQ8RB-G06RT-[---]
[Voxel-Brick-Rest-Rest-Zero]

Blanc
NCHAH-9L8Z5-[---]
[Three-Time-Paper-And-Game]

Warhammer 40,000: Boltgun
[---]-8FVAQ-ICDH4
[Vote-Time-Lump-Bowl-Seven]

Legacy of Kain Soul Reaver 1&2 Remastered
[---]-9R85Q-H0ACH
[Joke-You-Game-Bowl-Zero]

Sker Ritual
[---]-RE852-Y8EJB
[Quarter-Four-Home-Four-Four]

Biped
RTTCZ-WECJA-[---]
[Seven-Seven-Six-Dome-Home]

Havendock
Q3JV7-[---]-4K9PM
[Final-Nope-Jump-Into-Quest]

The Thaumaturge - Deluxe Edition
WEF4A-[---]-L7JVZ
[Vote-Cope-Bowl-Bowl-Zoom]

Evil West
AFQXR-[---]-0E8J5
[Game-And-Eight-Watch-Into]

Star WArs Bounty Hunter
[---]-CBGGH-45B38
[Zoom-Zoom-Four-Eight-Cope]

Corpse Keeper
XQGKV-W8922-[---]
[Quest-Nine-Seven-Enhanced-Edition]

Nova Lands
[---]-DWY3Q-WQITB
[Y-J-E-X-W]

Nomad Survival
YKENH-[---]-3JMVT
[Z-V-5-0-0]

Nex Machina
[---]-CJP7Z-IZ5RE
[9-x-9-4-r]

Orbital Racer
[---]-A6EZF-P523H
[g-7-d-z-p]

Out of Reach: Treasure Royale
KQ2FW-HEW4A-[---]
[k-5-y-c-4]

Pathway
CIM9J-4DVQN-[---]
[5-j-g-v-b]

Pawnbarian
[---]-I02H3-63259
[q-8-h-c-n]

PGA Tour 2k21
[---]-FNE2N-K0HA9
[y-5-4-m-z]

Pixplode
[---]-CQRJV-JIE4V
[9-9-3-m-m]

Popup Dungeon
ZQ4WY-KDA4Q-[---]
[j-r-c-e-q]

Post Void
M0J7C-FI9J2-[---]
[2-q-q-a-q]

Radio Commander
[---]-W0WH0-TZB87
[a-i-x-b-9]

Ring of Pain
PL4LC-[---]-MCQ30
[x-c-t-8-k]

Roarr! Jurassic Edition
A9AIY-DLLQ5-[---]
[j-q-d-w-4]

RPG Maker VX, again
A3QY7-FJGCZ-[---]
[a-v-b-d-9]

Rustler
WGE72-[---]-B0C83
[z-4-b-f-L]

Ryse Son of Rome
[---]-V0MQR-8EIIW
[t-p-z-9-c]

Satisfactory
[---]-GIJ6H-98CPE
[z-g-5-h-d]

Shing!
[---]-ZPEW5-6KA4T
[a-e-9-a-r]

Slinger VR
[---]-P843E-G86JB
[8-v-7-0-9]

Soulblight
[---]-GATGT-MALMW
[g-y-g-22]

Spyro Reignited Trilgoy
[---]-PCF22-L9QGT
[n-5-w-L-k]

Starbound
[---]-IX4F9-2I4HE
[g-y-v-i-m]

Sunset Overdrive
[---]-FA9RT-4XG7V
[y-7-p-j-h]

Superhot
[---]-Y7NFF-C929D
[f-a-w-m-y]

Supraland
I704N-R0R4R-[---]
[vr-n-rx]

System Shock Enhanced Edition
Z7YDX-[---]-PYI8E
[4-en-3v]

Telefrag VR
[---]-4HZYK-D9E27
[LF-faw]

This War of Mine
IMA8H-[---]-WK9MV
[yL-27-x]

Toejam and Earl Back in the Groove
LHI37-[---]-BJ9VC
[rm-8-I8]

Tooth and Tail
[---]-M09QC-WKKFL
[n-m-4-2-b]

Treasure Hunter Simulator
HVKQ2-[---]-HNJ8X
[V-y-REB]

The USB Stick Found in the Grass
9F96D-[---]-C6IYN
[b-x-r-e-q]

Vagante
NPNAZ-7977A-[---]
[8-k-ccq]

Wandersong
FWT8C-[---]-N5GCI
[d-6-v-x-2]

Wargroove
[---]-L0V8P-9JARW
[c-w-bn-8]

Warsaw
[---]-68BTI-2H7T2
[m-j-w-h-q]

We are alright
I8D30-[---]-WRJMZ
[3-7-8-h-8]

West of Dead
CZ83V-[---]-0R94Y
[4-k-z-3-3]

MORE TO BE ADDED I GOTTA DO THIS MANUALLY OKAY........

I Played More Steam NextFest Demos (Oct 2023) (Part 3)

2024-09-14T23:42:39.944Z

We got a big one here. I put all the rest in one post. I am free!

Part 1
Part 2

Sovereign Syndicate

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1674920/Sovereign_Syndicate/

It's kinda wild to suddenly see a bunch of new CRPGs pop up that are explicitly cribbing from Disco Elysium rather than its forebears. I don't necessarily mind, since it's got a solid claim to The Best One, but like... god, is this how the Bloodborne people feel while playing Lies of P, where a decent enough imitation still pushes some of the same buttons?

It's steampunk London with magic and robots, so this is also drawing from Arcanum, a noted CRPG I didn't include on the list because it's a pain to get running on modern hardware. Rather than attributes and dice, Sovereign Syndicate uses Humours and Tarot - though they function the same - and it seems more stage-based like Shadowrun Returns rather than having an open environment. I'll keep an eye on it.

Toroa

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2003490/Toroa/

A chill flying/gliding game informed by Māori culture. If I had to come up with a comparison point, maybe thatgamecompany's Flower? The gliding is a bit finicky but not to the point of being annoying, and it's got its heart in the right place.

Departed Away

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2564880/Departed_Away/

A bishoujo visual novel that appears to be of the Doki Doki LIterature Club variety. That is, seemingly normal with a dark, mysterious undercurrent; a selection of anime-stereotype girls to date; and a creepy stalker who may or may not murder you in your sleep or possibly be a schizophrenic hallucination.

Cursorblade

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2449040/Cursorblade/

One might perhaps call this an action roguelite for when you have 20 minutes to spare. Cute idea, cute aesthetic, and some decent power-ups make this something that'd be an excellent $5 time waster kind of game. Probably would be great on mobile, actually.

Knight of the Lions

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1711790/Knight_of_the_Lions/

A narrative platformer with a solid sketchbook aesthetic that draws in the platforms and obstacles as you near them. Unfortunately, I turned it off once I died at the same puzzle 20 times in a row; moving platforms are not a great design choice when your ability to jump is on a strict timer.

Laika: Aged Through Blood

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1796220/Laika_Aged_Through_Blood/

I'm just saying, allowing basic movement to kill the player at any time with relatively uncommon checkpoints might not be the best design decision. You have to do so many 360s just to use your basic techniques, and you might just tilt slightly too far and bump your head and die instantly with each one, while you're trying to dodge bullets. Maybe I just suck at Excitebike?
(Also, the story seems really Edgy-For-Edgy's-Sake, but I only played 20m)

Pixel Cafe

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2409360/Pixel_Cafe/

What if Cook, Serve, Delicious, rather than being a comedy game, had a narrative about the existential dread of being a young adult with no job skills? The loop seems pretty well polished and I could see the story going some places, but I find this sort of plate-spinning gameplay a bit too stressful.

Songs of Silence

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2195410/Songs_Of_Silence/

A really weird combination of 4X, RTS, autobattler, and deckbuilder with some Fire Emblem spice thrown in. The demo really throws you into the deep end without proper tutorialization and I feel like all the card stuff could simply be replaced with a regular UI, but I cannot deny that I was intrigued. I literally said to @yotsuben while playing, "this music sounds like some fuckin off-brand Hitoshi Sakimoto" and then lo and behold, they actually did tap Hitoshi Sakimoto.

Solium Infernum

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1893810/Solium_Infernum/

4X... IN HELL! Honestly, played this too late at night (and also, immediately after the previous entry) and I simply did not have the mental energy to parse another 4X game. Also, I'm just personally not a fan of the whole "Hell" aesthetic. That said, it seems solidly made and has the things that you'd probably want in a 4X, like an in-game wiki.

YOHANE THE PARHELION -BLAZE in the DEEPBLUE-

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2404370/YOHANE_THE_PARHELION_BLAZE_in_the_DEEPBLUE/

Anime Metroidvania that seems like it's probably a sequel and expects me to know all of these characters already. One of the power-ups causes the protagonist to start singing an insert song which gives her unlimited MP, which is pretty fun. Also has a couple of weirdly solid quality of life things, like every random bark getting actual subtitles.

Phantom Rose 2 Sapphire

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1964200/Phantom_Rose_2_Sapphire/

Roguelite deckbuilder. Managing card cooldowns and the shared attack timeline were kind of interesting, but the genre just really isn't my scene. Also, clearly designed for mobile in a way that reminded me a little too much of gacha games (though this does not appear to be one).

Jusant

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1977170/Jusant/

A climbing game taking traversal cues from Death Stranding / Gone Home and its vibe cues from Journey. DON'T NOD is a fairly noted studio as it is - they don't need some goon like me repping their games - but turns out a team of professionals with numerous games under their belt can put out a pretty polished experience. Weird.

Earthless

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2058960/Earthless/

Okay, I've been shitting on roguelite deckbuilders this whole time, but I really enjoyed this one because it has the additional wrinkle of being a grid-based tactics game rather than just a back-and-forth combat system and some of that FTL DNA with upgradable crew members. Well, that and some cool UI work, though I wish I could rotate the map 45 degrees. Really solid demo.

Sandwalkers

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1639080/Sandwalkers/

A roguelite where you're sending caravans of magic animal people into the endless deserts to find the last remaining patches of livable greenery. I guess the way to get me interested in a roguelite is to put a grid of some kind in it? There's an overworld exploration layer where you're spending supplies to explore hexes between towns and a decent-seeming Darkest Dungeon-like combat layer. I like it.

Stellar Insurgency

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2317550/Stellar_Insurgency/

A space sim where you do... uh... space things...? I think this is probably meant to be like a GalCiv or Stellaris, but the mechanics are utterly opaque to me. The demo pop-up admits it's effectively a one-man passion project - and more power to them, it's a huge undertaking - but I personally need something more directed.

The Thaumaturge

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1684350/The_Thaumaturge/

An RPG set in Pre-WW1 Europe where you play as the eponymous thaumaturge, who's basically an empath Stand-user / Pokemon trainer. I've had my eye on this for a bit; I like a good historical setting, and the supernatural elements seem appropriately weird and creepy. The game appears to have zero qualms about gating you off from key quest information if you're not specced in the right stats, which I appreciate, but I can't quite tell if the storytelling has any real legs yet.

The Inquisitor

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1880470/The_Inquisitor/

I am utterly enthralled by how terrible this game is. It's like a low-budget competitor to the first Witcher game got stuck in a time warp and reappeared 15 years later. All the hallmarks of an early PS3 game are here: low-res textures, a muddy brown aesthetic, sludgy Unreal-3 style movement (with light-heavy-block-dodge 3D combat), casual misogyny deployed rapid-fire... I couldn't look away. Absolutely fascinating that a game with this exact tenor can still be made in 2023.

The Tower on the Borderland

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2063180/The_Tower_on_the_Borderland/

PS1-style graphics attached to some kind of tower-climbing Souls-type game, which in this context means slow attacks and meagre resources what recharge to full at specific checkpoints. 3D PS1 games were clunky by modern standards to be sure, but surely not this clunky?

Rabbit & Steel

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2132850/Rabbit_and_Steel/

A co-op bullet hell roguelike that's meant to emulate the feeling of fighting MMO raid bosses by managing your cooldowns. I unfortunately didn't get a chance to play it with friends, but I found this to be a really clever concept; I've only done a handful of real raid-type things in my life because they are always such a pain in the ass. I don't have the time or energy to grind up to the level cap, grind out optimal gear, and then spend eight fucking hours having people yell at me over coms.

Tunnet

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2286390/Tunnet/

This is one of those games that makes me feel like I'm stupid or something. You're in some kind of underground voxel facility and need to dig out tunnels to other shelters so that you can lay down the internet pipes... except you have to actually understand the intricacies of the network nodes and the port forwarding and in what order things need to be laid down and whatnot. I think for a very specific kind of person this game would be amazing, but I am not that kind of person.

Last Train Home

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1469610/Last_Train_Home/

Really cool. Historical RTS where you play as a Czechoslovak Legion trying to cross Russia to catch a ship home after WWI. Your squads are small - like 3-10 soldiers - and supplies (including ammo) are pretty limited. There's definitely some XCOM DNA here too, with your train acting as a mobile base where you're assigning folks to the medical bay or the engine in between missions.

I Played More Steam NextFest Demos (Oct 2023) (Part 2)

2024-09-14T23:42:36.522Z

Beacon Patrol

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2273850/Beacon_Patrol/

A game where you're laying down tiles and attempting to create a complete coastal map by laying down random tiles in a contiguous way. It's cute, and apparently they intend for it to be a cooperative multiplayer thing like a board game, which makes a lot of sense. I played it alone, so I don't think I got the full experience.

Fatermyth

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2530420/Fatermyth/

Roguelite deckbuilder, wuxia-themed. Rather than simply playing cards from your deck, there's an additional wrinkle where you have to roll some dice to accrue emblems you spend to use your cards, like it's Dungeon Dice Monsters or something. Not really my kind of game, personally; the only roguelite deckbuilder I've genuinely enjoyed was Inscryption.

The Mildew Children

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2420350/The_Mildew_Children/?beta=0

A narrative adventure game that appears to draw deep from pagan traditions, all about a coven of witches in a small village and their strange rituals. It's a smidge reminiscent of Pentiment in that it looks to take place only within the village. What stood out to me most was a handful of QTEs attached to the dialogue: timed responses, rhythm segments, and a bit where you had to maintain a balance bar while progressing the text.

Tome of Fates

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2310150/Tome_of_Fates/

A text-based RPG that draws from interactive fiction and old tabletop game books, which means a lot of text descriptions of hallways that have multiple exits and whatnot. My play experience was going through 3-5 rooms that all had some kind of ill-explained puzzle that damaged my HP when I chose the wrong option, fighting some demon with opaque combat mechanics, and then the game hard crashing when I clicked an exploration option after the fight.

Classified: France '44

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2085370/Classified_France_44/

XCOM, but it's Operation Jedburgh. Not breaking any new ground, but it's quite polished (especially for a demo) and I can see all the pieces of a solid One Of These. I like the emphasis on suppressive fire as a mechanic; even if you miss a shot, it still depletes the enemies' action points, which is important because Nazis constantly spawn in once alerted.

My Work Is Not Yet Done

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1207690/My_Work_Is_Not_Yet_Done/

A surreal... uh, narrative game, I guess? It seems to have a big emphasis on letting player investigate things and put the pieces together of their own volition, offering little guidance or context with long stretches of downtime. Honestly that's the kind of stuff I appreciate, and the vibes are impeccable. The options screen fuckin looks like this:

-image-

Vlad Circus: Descent into Madness

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1702430/Vlad_Circus_Descend_Into_Madness/

Spooky mansion type game with a creepy carnival aesthetic. Not really my scene in the first place, but I also didn't have much patience for the game's idea of horror, which was wandering dark areas until you see a splash image of graphic gore, at which point the clown protagonist says something along the lines of "I must be seeing things because I'm crazy, I should talk to my shady psychologist". Maybe if you really like locked door item puzzles (and clowns).

Ceiba

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2398940/Ceiba/

A bishoujo visual novel taking place on some kind of bio-ship surveying a dead alien world, where all the characters (read: hot anime girls) are combination animal-plant people. The heroines have full VO for their lines (in I believe Russian), with actors from what appears to be a... Russian anime podcast? Sure, I guess.

Tactic Legends

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1965070/Tactic_Legends/

Tactics game so aggressively made for mobile that I hit da bricks the second the tutorial ended and I saw the "Daily Quests" sidebar.

Tevi

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2230650/TEVI/

I was immediately turned off by the blatant Genshin Impact knock-off title screen, but the game itself turned out to be a Metroidvania that actually played pretty well. It also seems like it's building up to including some kind of bullet hell element based on the first boss's attack patterns, so I guess it's going for that Touhou crowd? It definitely was better than first impressions, at least.

Egypt Frontiers

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2402630/Egypt_Frontiers/

First-person crafting game taking place in Brown Hollywood Egypt. The genre's not my scene in the first place, and this is also super clunky.

Buy Me Some Soup

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1606990/Buy_Me_Some_Soup/

One of those games that imitates an old computer UI, which is goofy on its own, but it uses the framework for some cool stuff. I guess it's some kind of puzzle or detective game where you're trying to dig through the fake internet by recognizing various context clues and pursuing leads. Cool stuff, honestly.

ASTRA: Knights of Veda

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2484250/ASTRA_Knights_of_Veda/

It immediately prompted me to sign in via Google or Apple, so I immediately quit the game.

Telegraphist 1920: Beats of War

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2584510/Telegraphist_1920_Beats_of_War/

A historical rhythm game where you're a Polish telegraphist sending messages during the Polish-Soviet War, tapping out the code in time with the music. I don't actually know Morse code, so I don't know if you're sending actual messages, but it's a pretty cool proof of concept.

I Played More Steam NextFest Demos (Oct 2023) (Part 1)

2024-09-14T23:42:33.257Z

Every time Steam NextFest comes around, I scroll the big list and click "Install" on anything that catches my eye. Honestly, it's a lot of fun and I've found some cool games this way, including some gems like Amarantus. I've done quick scattershot posts highlighting what I played, and if you're here, this is another one!

Little Goody Two Shoes

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1812370/Little_Goody_Two_Shoes/

90s-yuri-anime inspired... life sim? RPG? with a storybook/horror theme. The visual style is great, with a bunch of cute little animations, and it seems fairly well polished gameplay wise. I particularly appreciate the transparency of the quest log telling you what is happening where and when. Also good is that (based on the demo) it seems to have a brisk 7-day limit for the story, though I wonder how long a full run actually takes what with it advertising multiple endings.

An Action Roguelite for when you have 20 minutes to spare

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2354200/An_Action_Roguelite_for_when_you_have_20_minutes_to_spare/

Well, it's what it says it is. Reminiscent of Downwell, but it's constantly scrolling horizontally instead. I think you're meant to try and keep as much airtime as possible by bouncing on enemies, but you need to dive below the water to reload and I couldn't quite get the hang of it over my 20 minutes of playtime.

The Elephant Collection

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2274110/The_Elephant_Collection/

A collection of classic Flash games where you controlled a little elephant. I'm old (young...?) enough to have played most of these back in the day, waiting several minutes to load a scant few megabytes on a dial-up connection (yes I still had dial-up in the mid-late 00s). There's some pretty clever design in here and it's nice to have them in one place now that Flash has fully deprecated.

Yolk Heroes: A Long Tamago

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2417850/Yolk_Heroes_A_Long_Tamago/

Solid Game Boy aesthetics attached to some kind of tamagotchi idler RPG. Seems cute, but speaking only for myself: I simply do not have the patience for idle games or clickers. Once it tossed up the 5 minute real-life timer during the raising segment, I turned it off. I do feel bad about not giving it a full "loop" to prove itself... but demos are there to see if you'll jive with something, right?

Shambles

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2289630/Shambles/

Roguelite deckbuilder; not really my scene. It seems to have a smidge more focus on narrative events, I suppose? There's a real Korean Webtoon kind of aesthetic going on, where humanity retreated into fallout bunkers 500 years ago and emerge to find the world transformed into one of swords and sorcery. Also, clearly designed for mobile (this is a neutral statement).

EternalMist

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2102300/Eternal_Mist/

A quick, stage-based real-time tactics game where you direct little squads around to protect your pylons. I like the PS1-style "2D Characters on a 3D stage" aesthetic, but this is very early, without any tutorialization or progression. I hope it comes together by the next NextFest.

Anx Defense

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2500450/Anx_Defense/

Tower defense where you set up mirrors to bounce your bullets through damage enhancers (love me some Power Gates). Pretty fucking cool, honestly. There's a constant push and pull between leaving enough empty space to set up your enhancer cross-sections and having your bullets actually cover the roads.

In Stone

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2157500/In_Stone/

Some kind of religious horror point-and-click adventure game with a cool scratchy, monochrome aesthetic. Alas, it's not quite my scene, and it froze only a few rooms in.

Interregnum Chronicles: False Prophet

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2218680/Interregnum_Chronicles_False_Prophet/

A post-apocalyptic Tactical RPG. I might actually keep an eye on this? The combat is your usual X-Com-like cover shooting, with a couple interesting wrinkles like your armor and AP drawing from the same bar. There's also some kind of scavenging / exploration meta-layer that's seriously trying to crib from Disco Elysium and doing a really mediocre job of it. The characters all seem like generic proc-gen types, though I hope I'm wrong.

Bahnsen Knights

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1933190/Bahnsen_Knights/

A visual novel that goes in hard on that stark Red-Cyan-Purple-Black aesthetic (is that Commodore 64? Amiga??), about a man investigating a religious cult in the 1980s Tornado Alley. The bit I played was pretty well written IMO, and apparently it's third in a series of VNs in this same style. Pretty cool!

Snufkin: Melody of Moominvalley

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1808680/Snufkin_Melody_of_Moominvalley/

I don't know anything about Moomins, but my friends told me that this is exactly what you'd want out of a licensed Moomin game: a cute storybook aesthetic with light stealth and rock-pushing puzzles. Also, this game is about Snufkin saying fuck the police, so make of that what you will.

Anode Heart

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1592750/Anode_Heart/

A Digi-Poke-Monster-Collector type game. Seems really cool, actually. There's a decent push-and-pull with the way the action economy works in battles (basically, you can overextend your action points, but it gives the opponent more on their turn) and even just after 45 minutes I was feeling that Pokemon-like drive to optimize my squad. A little clunky on the UX side, but nothing that I found to be a deal breaker.

Romp of Dump

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1951520/Romp_of_Dump/

I downloaded this because of the title, but I didn't expect it to be a Death Row Twink Gambling Simulator.

You play poker and blackjack with these Live2D anime boys in prison so you can figure out which one is the true Vamp of Dump who committed the crime for which you were convicted. Also there's mobile game stuff like a daily login bonus?

Games I played in 2025

2026-01-01T00:56:39.443Z

I'm glad I did this last year, so I'm doing it again this year.
Presented broadly in the chronological order I played them.

Games What Technically Did Not Come Out In 2025

Kowloon High-School Chronicle

★★★★★
Truly buried treasure. I bought this thinking it was Undernauts: Labyrinth of Yomi (which I still haven't played), and it was one of the best mistakes I've ever made. A deeply flawed game in a hundred different ways that nevertheless make it relentlessly charming to me. Some of its running gags have permanently entered my vernacular.
I know about: Ancient supercivilizations
I don't know about: Japanese pyramids

Kunitsu-Gami: Path of the Goddess

★★★★★
Serious PS2 or PSP game vibes, and a real gem because of it. Devs ought come back around and embrace the whole concept of "stages" that can be built around a central gimmick or set piece rather than smoothing everything into open world all-game gruel.
Best villager role: Sumo Wrestler
Worst stage type: Boat

Lunacid

★★★☆☆
I would like this a lot more if what little writing it has was a bit less twee; one of the major NPCs being a cutesy anime devil girl kind of kills the mood for me. The world design lacks focus in a way that's actually quite charming, but it does get kind of tedious when you have little direction in where to go or what to do. Not a fan of how the final boss shakes out, either.
Best spell: Coffin
Worst sidequest: Death's Scythe

Dungeon Encounters

★★★★★
Jel's Game of the Year several years running for a reason. Absolutely incredible stripping of a "dungeon crawler" to its barest essentials. Looks and feels like it was made in an Excel spreadsheet, because it pretty much was! What set dressing remains is pleasantly economical and fun. Great stuff.
Best party member: Sir Cat, with a bullet
Most comically evil bit of design: Getting robbed and going into debt

Dungeon Antiqua

★★★★☆
Picked this one up after hearing how the dev got screwed over, and ended up enjoying it quite a bit. It's a bit collar-tugging in how the systems are literally pulled directly from Wizardry, but it works with the aesthetic. Some might say it's slim on content but I found it pleasantly short and sweet.
Good idea: Auto-navigate spell
Bad idea: The gonzo single save slot system

Zone of the Enders: The 2nd Runner MARS

★★★★★
I've considered ZOE 2 a classic ever since I borrowed my friend's copy back in school, and I do a replay every few years. It's got a brisk main campaign with satisfying anime-style mecha action AND a comically janky dub, what's not to like? The game always looked good, and the particulars of its aesthetic make it look amazing blown up to HD. "Beyond the Bounds" is also still a classic intro song.
It's not that hard to understand dude: "Whose secondhand?"
Okay this is kind of annoying though: "Correct the direction."

Tokyo Twilight Ghost Hunters Daybreak: Special Gigs

★★★☆☆
Picked this up cheap because it's directed by the Kowloon High-School Chronicle guy. I could definitely see the creative lineage and that charm still comes through, but only sometimes. Screams "PS Vita game" in a way substantially less charming than, say, Kunitsu-Gami. I didn't have a bad time but this one ain't gonna stick with me.
Good UI touch: Trap setup hands
Bad UI touch: That dialogue input system is incomprehensible, and I played Kowloon

Shin Megami Tensei V: Vengeance

★★★★☆
The start of the Strange Journey through Shin Megami Tensei. Considering my backwards trajectory through the series, I can look back (ahead?) on this one and appreciate all of the quality of life updates. Canon of Vengeance seems to be the obvious way to go plot-wise; Yoko Hiromine is unintentional comedic genius.
MVP: Konohana Sakuya
Also MVP: Cleopatra

Shin Megami Tensei IV

★★★★☆
If I'd stuck it out with this game back when it first came out in 2013, I think I'd have completely different tastes today. Its setting gets closest to an interesting balance between tech and fantasy, it's satisfying to claw your way out of the early game doldrums, and everything's just incredibly ambitious for a handheld game. The sidequests can get super tedious though, especially at the end of Neutral route; give me a year to forget the whole "playing it" part and I guarantee this'll rise to being a 5-star game in memory.
3DS repair costs when it broke at the end of this game: $125
Final demon lineup: Vishnu, Mot, Metatron, Mara, Shiva

Shin Megami Tensei IV: Apocalypse

★★★☆☆
The Persona-fication of mainline SMT; there's a DLC beach episode for cryin' out loud. Refines the gameplay and expands on the setting of IV in some genuinely interesting ways but answers the questions raised with generic Power of Friendship morals. Unfortunately you just know a hypothetical HD Console Remake of the IV saga would hew everything closer to this.
Character build: Shoot God in the head with a 9mm
"Divine Powers" isn't as good a name as: Polytheistic Alliance

Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journey REDUX

★★☆☆☆
Made me really think about what I do or don't enjoy about dungeon crawlers / "blobbers", because playing this game was an absolute chore, the REDUX extra dungeon even moreso. The battles are simply not as interesting as the Press Turn system or the following game's Skill Crack. As funny as I find the concept of SMT Doomguy and his eternal vigil, this one's at the bottom of the list so far.
Did you know: The password generator lets you make whatever demon you want
I'm serious, quit it: Trial-and-error one-way teleporter mazes

Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor Overclocked

★★★★☆
Arguably the spinoff most deserving to retain the Shin Megami Tensei branding (and yes, I know it's a Megami Ibunroku joint in Japan). Still has some of the darkness of the mainline games and actually involves the tech-occultism angle that I feel most of the series is missing. The Skill Crack system is a really neat way to introduce some grit into what's otherwise pretty basic SRPG tactics gameplay.
Really isn't that bad: Yuzu
Actually is that bad: Midori

Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor 2 Record Breaker

★★★☆☆
As was noted: better game, worse experience. The party is too damn big and everything's way too Persona-fied for my tastes (though the characters are very hot). The balance between lighter scenes and the main story collapses when the stakes are as high as they are. Not a bad time by any means but you'd be justified in skipping it.
Still a busted strategy: Holy Dance + Drain
Let him cook: Suzuhito Yasuda

Shin Megami Tensei III Nocturne HD Remaster

★★★☆☆
I suppose I get it. There's something enigmatic and mysterious about Nocturne that the others don't have. It just never quite delivers on that unfulfilled potential, instead stringing you along through a lot of really boring dungeons and a handful of good ones. The strongest Daisoujou has been or ever will be.
Best misheard lyrics: ♪ ONE MORE GOD REJECTED ♪
Meanest ambush: White Rider

FTL: Faster Than Light (Multiverse Mod)

★★☆☆☆
I was hankering to replay some FTL (a 5-star game IMO) but wanted to shake it up a little, and that was my mistake. Leave it to big additional content mods to completely upend the elegant balance that makes FTL so compelling in the first place. All I wanted was new ship layouts and maybe one or two new species, not whatever maximalist hell this mod actually is.
We really don't have to: Include all these unique hero units
A solid addition, though: Orchid species

STAR WARS™ Knights of the Old Republic™ II - The Sith Lords™

★★★★☆
One of the CRPGs of all time. Did a Restored Content Mod replay alongside Austin Walker and A More Civilized Age (like everyone else this year), and it really is the most Obsidian-ass game: deeply compelling and affecting at its best, completely fucking broken at its worst, and kind of just forgettable the rest of the time. Some truly great vocal performances, and not only from Sara Kestelman.
Influence Gained: Kreia
Influence Lost: Kreia

XCOM 2: War of the Chosen

★★★★☆
Goes in even harder on "campaign" style tactics and really makes you feel like you're scraping and clawing for any advantage you can get; I definitely get how this was controversial at the time. I couldn't imagine playing it without all the DLC additions baked in even though everything unlocking at once is overwhelming at first. It's good!
Best Hero class: Skirmisher
Most annoying Chosen: The Hunter

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 + Torna: The Golden Country

★★★☆☆ (Main) / ★★★★☆ (Torna)
Wrote a post about this one. I'm glad I played it so that I could say I played every Xenoblade game. The combat might be the best in the series and the story has a few moments that really hit; I just also kinda hate the gacha-fied aesthetic and most of the core cast. Torna really is the best of it. Monolith Soft please make more 35-hour JRPGs okay thank you.
Best guest Blade design: Perun (RIP Takahiro Kimura)
Most busted guest Blade: Elma

Dragon Ruins

★★★☆☆
This is so short that I hardly remember any of it, which is fine because it's meant to be, as the Steam page puts it, "A dungeon crawling microgame for tired people." The power of a handful of character images and a simple grid-based dungeon is not to be underestimated.
Party lineup: General, Priest, Archer, Witch
Total playtime: 68 minutes

Persona 5 Royal

★★★☆☆
Enough ink has been spilled about this game that I don't think I have much to add. I played the original at launch and put off Royal until it dropped under $20. The additional content is of good quality, but the way it's tacked onto the end just doesn't work well for me. I don't know what Persona could even do anymore that would bring me back in.
Best alt costume: Phoenix Ranger Featherman
Best combo attack: Makoto with the steel chair

Octopath Traveler II

★★★★☆
What's really neat about this game isn't the pleasantly light JRPG storyline(s) or the solid job system, but the way the Path Actions mean every NPC has a description, inventory, technique, and battle attached to them. There's a bunch of charming vignettes and environmental storytelling crammed in and it makes you want to actively talk to every single NPC.
The only good capitalist: Partitio
Comically grimdark: Throné

Star Ocean The Second Story R

★★★★☆
Based on my limited experience with other Star Ocean games, it seems like this is the best one by far? It's just a fairly charming 30-40 hour JRPG, though I wish you spent more time in the sci-fi end of things. The mutable ending and ambitious skill system are great examples of how JRPGs were evolving by the end of the PS1 era. How many games are there where you can write skill books and sell them to a publishing company to collect royalties for the rest of the game?
Cute historical curiosity: Switching between '98, '08, and '23 art on the status screen
I will never: Get all 99 endings

Labyrinth of Galleria: The Moon Society

★★★☆☆
The dungeon-crawling layer is simultaneously too complex and too simple, and gets unbearably tedious after a certain point. The narrative layer is pretty much an entire trilogy of plot crammed into a single package with some genuinely solid character writing and a bunch of absolutely wild twists. I gave up after 45-ish hours to watch the rest of the cutscenes on Youtube and it turned out there was probably still about 45 hours left of raw dungeoning for 10-15% of plot. Yikes.
I'm sure there was a good reason but: Why "Nachiroux" instead of "Machiru"?
I cannot fucking believe: How important to the plot the dream donkey is

Dragon Quest III: HD-2D Remake

★★★★☆
A core pillar of JRPG canon, and it's easy to see why if you can calibrate your expectations. Even accounting for modern QoL updates, the party/job system is quite robust for something released in 1988. I feel like the twist final act explains so much about not just video games, but a huge swath of media.
Couldn't help it: Learning every Sage spell only to multiclass to Martial Artist
Also couldn't help it: Finding every friendly monster

★★★☆☆
Yes, again; I'm still doing that Let's Play, which is a solid chunk into NG+ as of this writing. My intent was to be content complete behind the scenes by the end of 2025, but that's not happening. The ADHD torment is real.
Best "This Should Have Happened": Joseph VS Alessi
Most weirdly high-effort mini-game: Dragon Question III

Games What Actually Came Out In 2025

Citizen Sleeper 2: Starward Vector

★★★★☆
"Citizen Sleeper, but now you have a crew and multiple hubs," is a pretty solid formula. It never quite catches up to the novelty and magic of that first game, but its refinements and narrative beats that only a sequel can manage help make up for it. The broader "collective action" theming is welcome in these days, too. I'll probably pick up whatever the dev makes next sight unseen.
Best crew member: Juni
Best "Wait, isn't that...": Luz

Avowed

★★★☆☆
My moral-OCD cope is that I played this before the BDS boycott started and with the $1 Gamepass deal. I have an affection for the Pillars setting, so getting more of Eora was enjoyable despite how the game raises more questions about the world's post-Deadfire status quo than it answers. Surprisingly good combat, but I still wish it was isometric.
Funny every time: Clonking a bear on the head with a big stick
Also funny every time: Hyperspeed rifle ramrod reload animation

Stories from Sol: The Gun-Dog

★★★★☆
Feels like two or three episodes of an OVA that got cancelled before the plot could start for real - cliché, melodrama, and all - but the aesthetic commitment to the bit makes it just plain charming. Its short runtime (around three hours) means the high volume of mecha references don't overstay their welcome.
Not a reference I ever expected to see: "Doug N' Krill"
Yes, Madam!: Chief Mackenzie, Captain Bartermews

Monster Hunter Wilds

★★★☆☆
Runs like trash on my lower-end PC. I started the series with the more simplistic and action-y Rise so the whole open-world conceit doesn't appeal that much to me in the first place either. It's kind of just been sitting there taking up too much hard drive space and reminding me that launch is objectively the worst time to play any video game.
Best new monster: Xu Wu
Best village meal animation: Suja

Xenoblade Chronicles X: Definitive Edition

★★★★★
Wrote a post on this one about its strange position as a remake coming out after I feel like Future Redeemed firmly closed the book on Xenoblade. In some ways this is the closest to a true JRPG/CRPG hybrid experience I've played, and I love it for that. In other ways it is a half-baked mess. Perhaps one could say the mark of a good game lies in its ability to convince you of its own inevitably unfulfilled potential.
Best Sawano drop, maybe ever: ♪ Over the rainbow / glorious sight ♪
Best bizarrely recurring sidequest location: Biahno Water Purification Plant

Clair Obscur: Expedition 33

★★★☆☆
Possesses the essential quality of an Xbox 360 JRPG; the exact kind that all the games press currently tumbling over themselves to praise Clair Obscur would have once cited as proof of Japan's inevitable decline. But it's white and AAA, so now it's good and respectable and redefining the landscape of RPGs or whatever. I don't particularly care for the entire third act on a conceptual level, but the moment-to-moment writing and acting is great throughout.
More proof mascots are better as sad old men: Monoco
It really is that busted even post-nerf: Stendahl

DELTARUNE Chapters 3 & 4

★★★★☆
All the big mysterious lore stuff is all fine and dandy, but I find myself enjoying the game way more when it's throwing rapid-fire shitposts my way. The way the internet has evolved means any discussion about Deltarune online has become impenetrable to anyone who isn't neck-deep. And really, I think I would really rather play this all at once. Alas.
Best gimmick boss: Jackenstein
I don't know what this is and I don't want to know: "Truck theory"

Mario Kart World

★★★☆☆
I probably wouldn't have bought this game if not for the whole Switch 2 price debacle, I just ain't a Mario Kart head. It's got a bunch of neat stages and it's fun sometimes to drive around aimlessly and do challenges. The soundtrack is staggering in its quality and sheer breadth.
Favorite tracks: Boo Cinema, DK Spaceport, Rainbow Road
Most unexpected remix: Wario Land's Rice Beach

RAIDOU Remastered: The Mystery of the Soulless Army

★★★☆☆
I've been working on a post for ages but sometimes it's hard to come up with anything much to say about a game. It's just like, fine? The Taisho-era vibes are neat but I didn't find the combat very satisfying nor the world quite interesting enough to really keep me engaged. Seems telling they felt they had to add brand-new DLC that's literally just journal entries explaining the end of the plot.
Funniest demons to have just hanging out: Gashadokuro, Oniguruma
So, I mean: How much of the audience has actually played SMT2?

Cyber Knights: Flashpoint

★★★☆☆
This kinda feels like people wanted to make an infinite campaign mod for Shadowrun Returns. The gameplay was solid from what I remember, I just find myself falling out of love with big systems-driven games and also want things I play to actually end. Looking it up, I played around Update 16 but now they're up to Update 56 so maybe everything I recall is totally obsolete anyway.
Cool: Calling favors in with your fixers to get bonuses on the mission
Less cool: The fixers are procedurally generated from generic pieces

Donkey Kong Bananza

★★★★☆
Nintendo is firmly in their "physics puzzles" era and I'm not tired of it quite yet, despite what I just said about systems-driven games. A pointless skill tree menu doesn't take away from the fact it's primally satisfying to punch and break things. A really strong final fourth helps paper over a somewhat dull middle third.
Favorite Layer: Feast Layer
Worst Bananza form: Zebra

Dungeons & Dragons Neverwinter Nights 2: Enhanced Edition

★★★☆☆
Haven't gotten back around to Mask of the Betrayer yet, which would probably be listed separately and certainly with a higher rating. Weirdly janky for an "enhanced edition", and the new controller interface has made old-style mouse and keyboard oddly difficult to wrangle. Otherwise, it's just D&D, but at least this game lets you go past level 12.
Still a cool setpiece: The Trial
2nd most annoying companion this year: Grobnar Gnomehands

PEAK

★★★☆☆
This whole genre of silly multiplayer games exist pretty much as "you had to be there" generators. It's fun when everything's running on all cylinders, but the levels are so long that if someone dies early, they might as well hang up and do something else for half an hour.
I'm sorry: About the banana peel incident, but it was really funny
I'm not sorry: About the cannibalism, you consented

Metal Gear Solid Delta

★★★☆☆
Hammered out a quick post about this one that for some reason did better on socials than any of my more considered work. To sum up: good because it's fundamentally Snake Eater, not good because rebuilding such an idiosyncratic thing from scratch feels like it's kind of missing the point. Super Bunnyhop's video about playing it in monochrome is intriguing, though.
Weirdly over-enunciated word in the new theme song recording: Crime
Pleasant Surprise: Guy Savage

Hollow Knight: Silksong

★★★★★
Worth the wait, somehow. It's good at everything the original Hollow Knight was, and just filled to the brim with cool little details everywhere. Kind of wild how Hornet is a better written Samus than almost every single version of Samus that has dialogue.
I somehow skipped this sequence and had my mind blown later: Prison break
Yall hear about this "Lore" stuff: Mask Maker

Hades II

★★★☆☆
Yikes. It's broadly too well put together and I have enough lingering goodwill for Supergiant that I can't in good conscience really rip into Hades II, but I just don't like it despite playing it for quite a while. I'd hoped the first game was a one-off experiment and the looming danger of them just becoming "The Hades Studio" is too real for my liking.
Favorite Aspect: Anubis
I refuse to: Go back in for the patched ending

Final Fantasy Tactics: The Ivalice Chronicles

★★★★★
FFT was always one of the greats. This might be the best version of it, despite everything? The voice work adds more oomph to the script than I thought it might and the new dialogue mostly slides right in as if it'd been there all along. Please give Matsuno the time and money to make whatever he wants (and get me a "Dispose of Mustadio" shirt while you're at it).
Fun addition: Materia Blade+
Bizarre maneuver: Recutting, redubbing, and hiding the PSP cutscenes

Pokemon Legends Z-A

★★★☆☆
I've said my piece. Feels like it had its middle 50% removed, drained of any meaningful content, then reattached to the end of the game as a skeleton. I can only think, "Well, this is an interesting experiment for something that they can pull together next time," about Pokemon so many times. Weird to have a franchise that might actually benefit from Persona-fication.
Mega Starmie Presents Best New Mega Evo: Mega Falinks
They somehow keep getting away with this: Jacinthe and Lebanne

Kirby Air Riders

★★★★★
I've always held a torch for the original Kirby Air Ride and I will likely continue to do so with the sequel and its maximalist approach to fairly minimalist design. That single player campaign is surprisingly robust, and I never tire of how the multiplayer (especially City Trial) often descends into barely controllable chaos.
Comedic hat of choice: Stereotypical round cap (This User Can Say It)
Kirby lore still weirdly hardcore: Gigantes

Demonschool

★★★☆☆
Also said my piece on this one. It feels like the lesson it took from Persona was "social links let you kiss people" as opposed to "social links let you spend more time on characterization". The writing is charming in the moment but also feels like it's for people who unironically post the "subtext is for cowards" thing.
Regular party line-up: Faye, Knute, Aina, Ti
Most annoying companion I've seen all year: Jem

UNBEATABLE

★★★★★
This one's coming in hot at the very end and so there might be some recency bias, but also who cares? UNBEATABLE feels like it's barely holding together about 85% of the time and actively frustrating 10% of the time... but whenever it pulls it all together for those last 5%? Incredible; enough to outshine the rest. Overflowing with humanity.
I am BEGGING you: Give a bit more warning when the gameplay suddenly shifts
Best episode that isn't the last episode: Episode Three (Hybrid Rainbow)

I don't think I believe in ranked lists anymore, but if everyone else is gonna talk about their GOTYs and whatnot, I might as well! Here are your Top Contenders:

2025's Non-2025 Game of the Year

KOWLOON HIGH-SCHOOL CHRONICLE

This was the only thing I could have picked and I'm not sorry. It's rare for a game to make me laugh so regularly, even if half the time it's from the game's sheer goofy jank. Something about the specific combination of ways it's busted just speaks to me in a way I don't quite understand myself. If they ever make a Kowloon 2 I'll be there on day one.

Runner Up: Dungeon Encounters
Everybody who's anybody knows this game rules and I don't need to tell you that. I don't know if any other RPG has had or will ever have as much mathematics as this.

2025's Shin Megami Tensei of the Year

SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI IV

It took playing the one everyone said was the best one for me to understand that IV is more deserving of the title. It exchanges the enigmatic starkness of Nocturne for a deeply compelling setting and characters with relatable motivations, and plays with the format of the Handheld JRPG in ways I'd never considered. I'm not sure Atlus has shown this level of ambition ever since.

Runner Up: Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor Overclocked
What if we just had more grid-based SRPG spinoffs for various franchises? What if they were good?

2025's Remaster/Remake of the Year

XENOBLADE CHRONICLES X: DEFINITIVE EDITION

I'd put down money the vast majority of people saying anything is redefining/saving/whatever the RPG have never played any Xenoblade game, let alone the most strange and experimental of them all. Its narrative about how even if the final result ends up for naught the work leading up to it still has meaning feels a bit weightier these days.

Runner Up: Final Fantasy Tactics: The Ivalice Chronicles
I will probably get swindled into buying this game at least one more time before I die. I'll probably still break the game with Calculators/Arithmeticians then too.

2025's 2025 Game of the Year

HOLLOW KNIGHT: SILKSONG

With the proviso that it's dumb that I feel bad about my tastes being too "mainstream" or "basic" when I praise something that everybody's already talking about, Silksong really is that good. By maintaining some whimsy and humor in the face of it all, it scratches the itch that so many others don't. It ain't all about Bosses and Lore and Difficulty.

Runner Up: UNBEATABLE
If you can't polish your game to a mirror sheen, the next best thing is to convince me to appreciate its flaws. Or at least grab me with raw emotion.

#games

Dungeon Encounters quick thoughts

2025-02-03T23:01:36.281Z

First of all, gonna link Jel's post, naturally.

Great game if you can get into the swing of things. Feels like an extremely acquired taste, but I've been into dungeon crawlers lately (play Kowloon High-School Chronicle) and so I was finally ready to jump in.

If you're reading this and did not read Jel's post, you may not know what the "swing of things" is for Dungeon Encounters. Basically, you're playing a dungeon crawler in its purest form.

There's a 100x100x100 dungeon with a perfunctory grid map. You might as well be playing on actual graph paper. Ambient sounds are about the only suggestion you get as to what kind of "biome" you're in, which can be surprisingly effective. For example: the 50s floors are all long straights and toll tiles with a bunch of mechanical clanging sounds, giving the impression of some kind of metallic, factory-like location.

Combat is basically a pure numbers game. you have to deplete an enemy's physical or magical defense before you get at their HP, and damage doesn't overflow, so every enemy takes a minimum of two hits to kill (under normal circumstances). So you might get enemies with high PD and low MD, enemies without defense at all but huge HP, or enemies with low HP but super high defenses, and anything in between.

All your weapons do either fixed or random damage. Do you want the sword that does 300 flat damage, or the mace that does a random amount of damage in between 1 and 570? The rub is that enemies are liable to have something like 350 HP, making you constantly weigh the risk and reward depending on the kind of encounters you're coming across in the dungeon.

The clarity and simplicity of these mechanics mean the game can pull interesting tricks by tweaking the numbers only slightly. For example, there's a weapon that has 70% accuracy but will deplete MD to zero with no questions asked. Unarmed attacks do a palty 1 damage but ignore defense, and most undead-type enemies have exceptionally high defense but only a single hit point.

Even filling out the grid map gets some fun wrinkles, especially as you start unlocking new traversal abilities. The entire "find the stairs to go down a floor" concept gets tossed out the window once you get the "dig straight down until you hit a valid tile" ability, among others. There's nothing stopping you from dropping to floor 99 and trying to fight a black hole; you simply will have to deal with the consequences of your actions. If you're careful and observant, you can reap incredible rewards that far outpace the floor-by-floor balancing.

Dungeon Encounters is a game that pulls no punches, but leaves all the tools to punch right back out in the open. That feels like a rarity these days, and it's easy to appreciate it for that.

#rpg #games #dungeoncrawl

Dungeon Antiqua quick thoughts

2025-02-03T23:34:06.972Z

Picked up Dungeon Antiqua as part of my 2024 winter sale dungeon haul which also included Kowloon High-School Chronicle and Dungeon Encounters. I got this game in particular because of an article on Automaton detailing how it was mistakenly flagged as a virus and blocked on Steam.

Not to be reductive, but it is pretty much just Wizardry but with a Final Fantasy aesthetic. The classes are the same, the multiclassing works the same, et cetera, and I'm cool with that. I quite enjoyed Wizardry when I played it recently (didn't end up writing about it though, oh well), so I was primed to meet this game on its own terms. It's solid!

(Aside: this game is just reinforcing my belief that the retro RPG market has fully stratified into either SKALD/Scarmonde-style "looks aggressively antiquated on purpose" or Sea of Stars-style "looks like a fangame that someone's been obsessively working on for 20 years" with no middle ground.)

The Crawl: take your party into the dungeon. Come back up with loot and experience. Repeat. You're expected to go into the same dead end rooms every time to hunt for randomly generated treasure chests, run fetch quests for NPCs, et cetera.

The dungeon itself feels a bit slight; I could have used maybe one or two more "regular" areas before the endgame challenge floors. You're not really incentivized to keep putzing around the upper floors once you've gotten deeper other than a couple locked doors that you have to backtrack to after finding keys. One spell lets you scroll through the whole map and plant a flag, allowing your party to auto-navigate to that tile, and I think literally every dungeon crawler should have this feature. What a fucking great idea.

Another fun twist (and thinking on it, it's possible Wizardry did this and I simply never noticed because I never tried) is that once you sell an item to the store, the store will stock that item forever. This works for everything except the final ultimate bits of gear, including elixirs (panaceas) and perma-stat-upgrade items. You're really only limited by your willingness to grind gold (or edit your save file). You've got to weigh whether you need that really good armor to keep your grinding smooth or if you can give it up for the promise of outfitting the entire squad... which might feel more impactful if the game wasn't like, 4-6 hours long.

That said, I would not consider a short play time as a downside in this case. It feels appropriate considering the extent of the mechanics. Easily worth the asking price, I think.

#games #rpg #dungeoncrawl

2026-4 - Pragmata - ★★★★☆

2026-04-27T15:38:54.606Z

https://store.steampowered.com/app/3357650/PRAGMATA/

★★★★☆
Playtime: 22 hours

Just a good fun time. They don't make 'em like this anymore folks!

As has been observed by others, this feels like a more polished version or perhaps remake of some hypothetical Capcom game that came out in, say, 2008, sandwiched between Dead Rising and Lost Planet. That imagined version of Pragmata doesn't blow the house down, gets 7s or 8s in reviews, and is probably fondly remembered whilst obscure enough to avoid too much scrutiny.

(Aside: In my opinion, there is a fuzzy yet crucial distinction between something being "7 or 8 out of 10" and a game being "★★★★☆", particularly when imagining the state of game reviews in 2009.)

The 2026 version of Pragmata, meanwhile, gets to enjoy throwback status. Street Fighter 6 and Exoprimal have battle passes, while Dragon's Dogma 2 and Monster Hunter Wilds bit off more than they could chew. The state of AAA games is so very different now in scope and scale that something this relatively simplistic stands out for its perceived elegance and honesty. I felt similarly about Kunitsu-Gami, though that felt like a throwback to an even earlier era of game.

Pragmata's gameplay revolves around the hacking minigame, which I feel gets just enough variation to avoid feeling boring or tiresome until the last hour or two. There are only so many ways to spice up "move the cursor to the end while hitting or avoiding certain squares", you know? I ended up with a build based around building enemies' Heat bar (functionally a stagger meter) and going for big AoE deathblows. This meant doing a lot of hacking that wasn't doing that much damage, so I also packed weapons like the Sticky Bombs or Code Generator that specifically make the minigame easier.

Really, nothing here is breaking the mold. The story is predictable but charming, its scant handful of twists obvious from orbit. You are trickled new weapons and upgrades and hacks all the way up to the post-game. There are VR Challenge Missions. It is A Video Game. That feeling novel these days perhaps says more about the state of the industry than about Pragmata itself.

2026-4 - Crown Gambit - ★★★★☆

2026-04-08T20:34:12.436Z

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2447980/Crown_Gambit/

★★★★☆
Playtime: 12 hours

Turns out another way to get me to play a roguelite deckbuilder is by making it not a roguelite or even really a deckbuilder. I'd probably call this closer to a small-numbers tactical RPG or something.

The aesthetics and worldbuilding are the standouts here. It's an anime-adjacent dark fantasy setting where the progenitor god left behind hundreds of magical relics, most of which are monopolized by the royal family whose right to rule is backed by the crown's ability to turn said relics on or off. Only the knightly Paladin Corps are authorized to use and police relics.

The opening premise is immediately intriguing: you play as three novice Paladins recruited to secretly escort the king to a hidden location. Since they've all only just joined the Corps, the idea is that they have yet to form substantial ties with various factions vying for the crown. The squad is:

Aliza, former noblewoman and the second-ever female Paladin. Her relic is a sword that lets her control blood. Meant to be your DPS.
Rollo, a common sailor who protected the Princess by slaying a monster with his ship's anchor. His relic is said chain-and-anchor that he whips around. Meant to be your Tank.
Hael, a monk who lived in seclusion at an abbey until he was sent to join the Corps as a political move. His relic is a classic glowy morning star, since he's meant to be your Cleric.

Of course, the king dies, as they always do, and the novices must scramble to figure out whom to support in the impending succession crisis whilst hounded by mysterious assassins and the rest of the Paladin Corps both. It's a fun way to allow a cavalcade of weird knights and their weird magic weapons to show up.

So you basically get visual novel segments of narrative split by moving from zone to zone (comically using a Slay the Spire style map even though there's usually only one path forward) and punctuated with grid-based tactical battles. Your health and armor are persistent until a chapter ends, so the intention is that you'll have to make some tough choices about when to really push the team.

This ties into what seems like one of the main aspects of the game that I unfortunately ended up completely ignoring. While each card has a normal function, you can also elect to remove it from that battle's deck for a much more powerful "Ancestral Grace" version. But this causes the character's Ancestral Affinity to increase, which has various knock-on effects. Some abilities become more powerful as Affinity rises, which, hey, great! But using them too often starts to permanently shrink the gauge, giving you fewer and fewer opportunities.

There are also narrative consequences. Your characters become more impulsive and irrational as their Affinity gauge rises. This means that when presented with a choice, it's possible someone in your party will freak out and override your decision with what they want... and probably the most violent version of what they want. This happened to me a grand total of one (1) time, which was the tutorial explaining it in the first place.

So, basically, you can spec Hael such so that he starts every battle with a self-buff that gives him a charge of "Benediction", allowing you one free use of Ancestral Grace without the gauge going up. The boosted version of another one of his cards gives all three party members a charge of Benediction. By around halfway in I was opening almost every battle with a full-party alpha strike of boosted abilities, which wrecks the difficulty curve. I probably should have played at a higher difficulty,

Despite cruising through most battles in the back half, you get into so many that I just found it exhausting. The party moves from one noble district to another to learn about each major faction and how they have their own allegiances and complex motives that tie into each other. There's a codex to keep track of most of it, but the English localization (I believe the game was originally written in French) gets a bit shaky at times with inconsistent spellings or terminology. At a certain point I stopped thinking much about the ideologies of any given faction and just focused on the "I wonder what Stand this weird-lookin' knight's got" factor, which is still fun in its own way.

I think I would have really loved the proverbial version of this game that's a 30-hour CRPG where I could get more downtime to become invested and immersed in the worldbuilding, or a streamlined 4-hour version that'd make exploring the consequences of different options more viable. Instead I must settle for a game that is merely pretty solid.

2026-4 - Contact - ★★★☆☆

2026-04-14T17:33:13.636Z

★★★☆☆
Playtime: 13 hours (on game file, with judicious use of cheats and fast-forward)

Contact is noted for being a JRPG by Grasshopper Manufacture (No More Heroes, Killer7), and it might still be their only RPG? I'd have to check that more thoroughly and it isn't important for this post in the first place. If memory serves me right, it got (a perhaps undue amount of) attention from press at the time because of its Earthbound-adjacent aesthetic and because Suda51's name was technically attached.

The last time I played this game was in high-school, and I remembered it being a strange, enigmatic game unlike anything else I'd really played. Now that I'm an adult, I can see more of the seams and get more annoyed by the tedium. If you play normally, the game time is hugely padded by grinding out stats and curatives so you don't die every two rooms. That also means you don't notice how every area is like 3-5 screens of town and 20-30 screens of dungeon maze.

Contact's still an interesting game. There's far more weapons, food, and weird collectibles than could ever possibly be relevant. Your skills go up to 100 and you might reach 50 if you stick solely to one weapon type the entire game, learning maybe 20% of the total abilities. The systems feel outsized for the actual content on offer. You never quite have a handle on what you're doing or why.

On some level this disconnect is intentional. The plot, when it actually gets into gear for the first 5% and final 10% of the game, is largely about how the player is just messing around in a video game while all the characters are living their own lives and striving towards their own goals. No normal person would put on the Thief Costume and go around getting Really Good At Thievery by robbing entire towns blind unless some obsessive gamer was forcing them to. Terry would really prefer to just go home but is stuck being puppeted across five-ish biomes by some goon with a Nintendo DS.

Is it good if a game makes me question what I wanted to get out of the act of playing a video game in the first place? Maybe, sometimes. But I don't think I really found much deeper meaning in life on this go-around.

2026-4 - Advance Wars Dual Strike - ★★★★☆

2026-04-20T16:31:25.085Z

★★★★☆
Playtime: 17 hours

The culmination of Advance Wars as a series, and a great low brainpower fidget game on the AYN Thor. Some people say that Days of Ruin is a more balanced, competitive game. They are right, but balanced, competitive gameplay is not really the appeal of Advance Wars to me.

Being comically unbalanced is a big part of the charm. I do not want to get a modest +20% attack boost to ground units adjacent to my Commander. I want to triple the effect of Com Towers and become invulnerable. I want to build a big stupid Megatank. I want to call in an army of paratroopers. I will pair Colin and Sasha together and nobody can stop me.

There is a "children's anime" tone not unlike Yu-Gi-Oh! or Gundam Build Fighters that causes everything to gel together. Those shows involve treating toys and games like they are the most serious things in the world; Advance Wars approaches via a different vector of treating one of the most serious things in the world (global war) with a cartoonish farcicality. Tanks are exploding, foot soldiers are gunned down, ICBMs are being launched, and yet it does not feel incongruous for Jake to say, "That's whack, man! Weak!" while the evil enemy commanders slink away so there can be a new battle next week.

Intelligent Systems isn't about to make another one seeing as how Fire Emblem has taken off, so I have investigated a few of the "fine we'll do it ourselves" Advance Wars clones like Wargroove over the years. I don't think any of them really hit the right balance for me. Alas.

2026-3 - Resident Evil 4 (2023) - ★★★★★

2026-03-06T19:51:38.850Z

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2050650/Resident_Evil_4/

★★★★★
Playtime: 24 hours

I've only ever played snippets of Resident Evil. I got nightmares in elementary school from trying a bit of the first game at a friend's house. Some guy at a church function once had RE3: Nemesis and Final Fantasy VIII. My brother's friend brought over RE5 on PS3 to play co-op with him and I subbed in intermittently. Was this one the right one to be my "first" Resident Evil? Dunno. I think it's really good, though of course take anything I say with a grain of salt seeing as I played the Remake.

I can see how RE4 has kind of a mythic reputation. When I think of big pre-2005 console video games, I think of Zelda, Final Fantasy, GTA, Metal Gear Solid. RE4's cinematic, setpiece-heavy, over-the-shoulder gameplay feels like it would have been almost revelatory back then, and the game's influence speaks for itself. Gears of War, Uncharted, Dead Space, and Mass Effect all obviously take design cues; it almost feels like RE4 defined the Modern AAA Action Game.

I played on Standard and while I died a fair few times, I wouldn't say I had any real trouble; by the back third of the game I was pretty much overflowing with resources. My weapons of choice:

Blacktail, the all-rounder pistol that takes up less inventory space.
Riot Gun, the all-rounder shotgun.
Stingray, the semi-auto sniper rifle.
Bolt Thrower, the low-damage-high-stagger crossbow that lets you recover spent bolts or attach explosive mines. All of my friends relentlessly teased me for using this.

2026-3 - PARANORMASIGHT The Mermaid's Curse - ★★★★★

2026-04-08T20:37:12.897Z

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2701440/PARANORMASIGHT_The_Mermaids_Curse/

★★★★★
Playtime: 14 hours (on my own, not counting the Updated Autopsy Report LP)

The Mermaid's Curse does the thing I wish more sequels would do (and I know there are many reasons most sequels don't do this, you don't have to tell me): keep the most basic elements of the original and go for a completely new story, with a scant handful of callbacks as a treat. The JP title of the first game has "File 23" and this one has "File 38", so they're clearly shooting for some kind of anthology format, and that's perfect for the structure of how these games work.

The first PARANORMASIGHT game focused on its eponymous Seven Mysteries of Honjo, actual local folklore from Tokyo's Sumida City, and spun that angle into a whirlwind supernatural horror murder mystery. The Mermaid's Curse takes much broader mermaid folklore and uses that to tell a in some ways "grander" but ultimately lower key story. The plot still gets fairly dark, people still die, and curses and generational resentment are still major themes, but I wouldn't call it a horror game in the same way.

Short version: Japanese mermaid lore holds that consuming their flesh grants immortality, and something that really looks like a shriveled up mermaid has washed ashore in Ise Bay. Throw in some actual Sengoku Period and Heike history and we've got a mystery to solve. Many characters wish to investigate this for many more reasons than you might think.

I love pretty much the whole cast. As with the first game (the cast of which I also loved), the main characters move around in pairs, ensuring there's always a chance for some fun back-and-forth dialogue. In a clever maneuver, this time around the actual playable characters always portrayed as the more capricious of a given duo to mirror the player tendency to click on everything or otherwise get distracted from the matter at hand. I also have to give props to the way the cast teases and hints at broader worldbuilding and sequel potential without either feeling too coy or too blatant.

The standouts are for sure the middle-aged fantasy writer Arnav "Avi" Barnum and teen psychic Circe Lunarlight, both foreigners from abroad. Avi's the closest the series has so far to an outright comic relief character and his rapport with the usually level-headed Circe is consistently charming even when they're in life-or-death situations. Runner-ups are the Definitely-A-Normal-Housewife Yumeko and her beleaguered assistant Sodo, who manage to have a similar dynamic but presented differently enough as to avoid too much overlap.

As for the more game-y parts, I'm pretty much wise to PARANORMASIGHT's bag-o-tricks at this point. I'm just also the kind of person who enjoys having my suspicions confirmed and my ego massaged. The final multi-step puzzle gating the true ending has gotten some understandable flak for being difficult to figure out, so I must sincerely apologize folks. I figured it out with minimal fuss.

Like the first one, just a surprise delight from start to finish. If a new PARANORMASIGHT crops up in a few years, I'll buy it on launch day sight unseen.

2026-2 - Opus Magnum - ★★★★☆

2026-02-13T17:09:56.943Z

https://store.steampowered.com/app/558990/Opus_Magnum/

★★★★☆
Playtime: 29 hours (10-15 of which were in 2018)

I got about 80% through this back in the day before dropping it for other things. I loaded it up recently to demonstrate to a factory-game-liking-friend (hi) what Zachtronics games are like, and got drawn back in to finishing the main campaign. I found myself flagging again near the end when things start to get more complicated, but toughed it out until the limited-space bonus campaign slapped me across the face and I thought, "I'm good." The story completely fell by the wayside due to this, but that's just how things turn out sometimes.

For the actual puzzles, I started back from the beginning and made new solutions. I managed to redo all the stages I completed last time with "better" solutions, only occasionally consulting the answers from 2018 me. What I noticed comparing them was that I used to rely a lot on using only a single rotator arm for puzzles, which is inefficient when it comes to number of cycles but arguably simpler from a procedure standpoint; fewer moving parts were probably easier for my unmedicated brain to handle at the time.

At some point cycle efficiency is all about having more arms doing more things stacked upon each other. That's where I start to get overwhelmed and mentally shut down. In a method perhaps true to handling things in life, I had to start mentally breaking down each product into constituent parts which I could assemble separately and then combine off to the side, completely ruining my scores in the "Area" metric. But I did get it done!

2026-2 - Dungeon Antiqua 2 - ★★★★★

2026-02-18T19:37:55.761Z

https://store.steampowered.com/app/4005090/Dungeon_Antiqua_2/

★★★★★
Playtime: 11 hours

I rather enjoyed the first one, so I gladly picked up the sequel. It's good!

The first Dungeon Antiqua was blatantly Wizardry wearing a Final Fantasy t-shirt, down to silly minutiae like the character alignment system. This one is more of a hybrid, opting for something closer to console-style Final Fantasy games. I think this makes it a bit more accessible to people who'd look at Wizardry and brush it aside for being too stodgy or antiquated.

My recent forays into dungeon crawlers have taught me the appeal of having one (1) dungeon and becoming intimately familiar with its intricacies, and my favorite feature in the first game was reliant upon that setup. Thus, I was ambivalent at first over this game trading out the Single Multifloor Dungeon for a handful of smaller ones, moving closer to its FF stylings. Thankfully it makes some smart plays.

Nearly every dungeon has some kind of roadblock midway that encourages you to head back to town and take stock of the situation. This might be a locked door, or possibly a tough boss that'd be easier with special equipment. The cave floor with a bunch of flying monsters would certainly be easier if you had the Ancient Gloves that let you cast the Air Blades spell for free, so maybe it's time to go back to the castle and take that path. It's all quite charming and I didn't feel any tedium until the last hour or two of the game.

This game opts for a FFV-style job system where you can mix and match unlocked skills. This is probably easier to understand for the average person despite technically being more complex? Only the basic jobs are open at the start and more advanced ones are locked behind brief trial zones that help teach mechanics. For example, the Bishop's mini-dungeon is a "spells only" zone. That sounds tedious until you realize how little investment it takes to slap the first tier of spells onto any character, or that a freshly swapped Mage or Priest can innately cast even higher tier spells as long as you have the accompanying grimoire.

The first game's music opted for NES-style chiptunes, and the sequel's soundtrack accordingly makes the leap to using SNES sound fonts. I am a mere animal; those FF IV-V style tinny horns instantly hook into my brain and drag me back to simpler times.

It's really just good clean fun without any designs on being more than it is, and I find that respectable these days. Easily worth the asking price.

2026-1 - Lightning Returns Final Fantasy XIII - ★★☆☆☆

2026-02-05T19:46:22.663Z

https://store.steampowered.com/app/345350/LIGHTNING_RETURNS_FINAL_FANTASY_XIII/

★★☆☆☆
Playtime: 45 hours

There are some genuinely interesting ideas in here. Then there's the rest of it.

every quest in Lightning Returns: NPC: Got a square hole here. Lightning: A square hole... that means we need a square peg. Hope: Light, you need a square peg that fits inside of the hole. [find square peg] L: This peg. It's got four sides. H: Light, that's the square peg that fits inside that hole.
— Iro | Obsidian Moonshine (@iro.obsidianmoonshine.com) January 26, 2026 at 8:23 PM

This is primo late 360/PS3, in a way that I only found charming for 5-8 hours. The game never shuts up with its condescending tutorial/guidance dialogue and makes a lot of assumptions about how much you want to dress up Lightning in sexy cosplay. Which, fair, I guess; presumably most people buying the third game in the FFXIII subseries actually do care enough about Lightning that they'd be excited about not only her name being in the title but also the ability to make her wear a silly fake beard during every cutscene.

...I cannot believe the entire weapon upgrade system and most of the skill upgrade system are gated behind NG+. I think I have had enough of games that expect you to play through multiple times.

I was much more interested in the setting's premise. Time has broken, everyone has lived in a weird semi-immortal stasis for 500 years, and everyone knows the apocalypse is upon us as the void begins swallowing everything. The city of Luxerion is run by a religious cult praying for the end times, while Yusnaan has descended into pure nihilistic hedonism.

(Aside: this is weirdly similar to an original RPG campaign premise I cobbled together a few years ago; I even ended up using an image of Nova Crysalia in the outline doc. That's the main reason I was curious, honestly.)

Majora's Mask is my favorite Zelda game because of its haunting atmosphere, with the moon hanging ominously in the sky and NPCs running the entire spectrum of reactions to their impending doom. I was hoping for some of that in Lightning Returns, and there's very little of it. What is there is mostly in the sidequests involving children, since there's some pathos to be mined from the "actually it would suck to be 10 for 500 years" idea.

The time mechanics are the most interesting part by far. Battles do not give you experience points, but fill up your Time Juice, which has various versatile uses. You can stop the clock for a few minutes, teleport to waypoints so you can skip waiting for the train, heal up, stop time in battles, et cetera. You could really do something with the concept with a bit more iteration.

I mean hell, you know what, just make a new Valkyrie Profile game Square. I'd be more into that.

2026-1 - Consume Me - ★★★★☆

2026-02-05T19:46:30.620Z

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2359120/Consume_Me/

★★★★☆
Playtime: 9 hours

It's pretty good! The minigame loop is surprisingly compelling, which I suppose makes sense considering my temperament. I inherently want to optimize my action economy and whatnot, so a game about doing that works for me. Fun, loose aesthetic too.

I think the story starts to crumble once the (bizarrely long) church sequence happens. I felt like earlier stuff was setting up the Jesus angle as a smidge more sinister or at least well-meaning-but-unhelpful, but it's played... completely straight?

(For the record, I never once used the extra ability you get from it. Didn't need it.)

That's where it feels like the game shifts from semi-autobiographical to just straight-up autobiographical. For me, it caused the sense of applicability to lose some steam, though this is probably also due to personal upbringing reasons. There's still pathos in that final chapter for sure. Oh nooooo now it's merely a 4-star game instead of a 5-star game.

2024 Games That I Played and Enjoyed

2024-12-27T01:00:58.005Z

I probably played some video games this year that I particularly enjoyed.
As always, presented in no particular order.

Games What Technically Came Out Before 2024

Hi-Fi Rush

Great game; Tango being canned so quickly after the accolades felt like the most obvious and visible sign at the time that the games industry is completely fucked. Layoffs haven't stopped anywhere, so it still is.
This is the kind of game that just doesn't get made anymore and that sucks. We need more mid-tier stuff like this.
Pros: Saturday Morning Cartoon vibes, great licensed soundtrack
Cons: Keeping rhythm can get tiring fast, repetitive post-game

Slay the Princess

Time loops are a plot device inherently suited to video games and this does a good job with it. Got me to write a post on the idea of replayability in general. Gives me the vibes of something that a western game journo might say "breaks new ground in the visual novel genre" despite having not played many visual novels, but that's not the game's fault so much as the fault of the air in the room.
Favorite Routes: Prisoner, Adversary, Thorn
Meh Routes: Razor, Nightmare

Pyre

Did a replay for a "game book club" situation that immediately fizzled out. Best Supergiant game, and I wouldn't have a chip on my shoulder about it if I hadn't met so many comically smug Hades fans. I obviously don't want a sequel, and I don't even necessarily need another Oregon-Trail-Wizard-Basketball game, but I definitely want a follow up that carries the spirit of Pyre. Whatever that means.
Found Their Way Home: Hedwyn, Rukey Greentail, Jodariel, Kae
Stayed True to the End: Ti'zo, Volfred Sandalwood, Big Bertrude

Sanabi

Slick action platformer (not Metroidvania) with really endearing pixel art and animation. The story's pretty standard stuff but has just enough twists in the details that I had a good time. A solid 6-8 hour romp.
Favorite touch: "This is the plan" marker drawings visible in background
Tired of These Levels: Chased by a big crosshair

Live-A-Live

A classic that's never quite left my brain. I own a Super Famicom cart of this (my SNES has the plastic tab broken off that lets me stick in JP games) and I played the Switch version day 1, but I picked this up on PC during a sale to stream to my friends. I understand why nobody else does it from a production standpoint, but the anthology format really ought be put to work elsewhere.
Machete Order: Imperial China, Prehistory, Wild West, Near Future, Present Day, Edo Japan, Far Future
Why Did They Keep This In: Random chance item crafting in Near Future

Romancing SaGa 3

It sucks that the guy who bought me this turned out to be an asshole who on a whim burned not only his bridge with me but also all the bridges between me and our mutuals, but he was right that it's a great game. If you were the kind of person who played the fan translation of this instead of Live-a-Live back in the early-to-mid 00s, I see how it would permanently alter your brain. Just full of bizarre secrets and weird mechanical minutiae that you can only figure out through experimentation or collaboration.
Best Party Members: Nora, Boston
Worst Party Members: Julian, Herman

Monster Hunter Rise & Monster Hunter World

Capcom not beating the allegations that Dragon's Dogma is an elaborate psy-op to get people into Monster Hunter. I played enough of these that I will get Wilds on launch and that was a completely unthinkable concept to me even six months ago. I'm also glad I started with Rise instead of World for reasons a smidge too complex to get into right here.
Weapons of Choice: Hammer, Gunlance, Bow, Charge Blade
Never Want to Hunt This Asshole Again: Amatsu, Raging Brachydios

South Scrimshaw: Part One

Showed this one to some friends who hadn't seen it. Still a really neat bit of sci-fi writing that knows how to wring every drop out of a single word. I really wish the guy hired some voice actors instead of using synthesized text-to-speech (even if it is supposedly from public domain recordings), but I suppose we simply can't get anything anymore that isn't tainted in some way. It's free and only about 90 minutes, so give it a go.
Best Tangent: Seabun & Monaco
Worst TTS Line Read: "Secretes" as "Sek-retts"

Star Renegades

A really cool turn-based battle system trapped inside an unbearably twee roguelite (yes I somehow found this even more annoying than I Was a Teenage Exocolonist). I'd probably feel a bit better about this game if the runs didn't take so fucking long (like 4-6 hours).
Most Consistently Useful Skill: Archon's Discharge
Most Eye-rolling Reference: Keanu's "you're breathtaking" line

Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader

Wrote some posts about it and there's nothing I could squeeze into one paragraph that wouldn't be better elaborated upon in those. The day before I'm typing these words they put out a huge patch for the game and I'm just reminded that nobody should play any video games until they're two years old, three for CRPGs.
MVP: Sister Argenta's Improved Heavy Bolter
Are fuckin' loser chumps, apparently: Lords of Change

Fate/Samurai Remnant

Another one I ended up writing a whole-ass post about. Some comments I got from people with broader perspectives on this game have given me food for thought for a post that, as of me typing these words, is not finished yet. The kind of product that only exists when attached to a multi-billion franchise, I suppose.
Coolest New Design: Rider
Needed More Screentime: Yui Shousetsu

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door

The best Mario RPG, IMO. I don't remember who wrote it now, but they described this as "the kind of game whose cultural memory makes people defend Nintendo". I couldn't have put it better.
Still Works Too Well: Danger Mario
Didn't Realize Until Now: Goombella is incredibly catty

Ace Attorney Series

I sit in on the supplementary Let's Plays for the Updated Autopsy Report Podcast, and it's been nice going back through some of those games (in 2024, we did AA6 and most of GAA1&2). Let Shu Takumi free.
Best Use of Limited Assets: G2-3's workshop Dance of Deduction
Worst Use of Limited Assets: The SAME ship

Tsukihime -A piece of blue glass moon-

Review here. Came out worldwide in 2024 but originally released in 2021. Playing this and sorting my feelings out in the review felt like releasing a breath I'd been holding for a decade; I got genuinely emotional about it. Long skirt Arcueid supremacy.
Still Cool as Hell: "This is what it means to kill."
Drags Like Hell: Lumina

Fate/stay night REMASTERED

Now all the anime-only or gacha-only fair weather fans have no excuse. Feels comically dated after the Tsukihime remake but it's a classic for a reason. It's also nice to have a professional translation; I played a bit side-by-side with the old fan one and the new version flows so much more smoothly.
Funniest Fumble: Random Mode
I Will Never Acknowledge: "Altria"

Wizardry: Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord

A late Christmas present addition to the list. Technically this 3D remake did come out in 2024, but it's otherwise so faithful to the original 1981 version (you can even toggle the original Apple II UI) that I'm putting it in this section. This is one of those "Rosetta Stone" games that contains the pieces that everything else ever then iterates upon. I especially had fun realizing exactly how much Wizardry there is in Dungeon Meshi, which I always knew logically to be the case but didn't truly understand until now.
Greatest Adventure: Losing 15 characters on the 6th floor and spending all day saving them one by one
Worst Grind: Each level takes ~70% of the TOTAL EXP you've gotten so far

Started a dumbass Let's Play of this while my home was undergoing repairs for water damage and it was my Main Project up until Cohost collapsed. I still haven't fully reconstructed the LP because it's pretty dull and tedious work, and while I said this wasn't dead who even knows at this point. It's pretty demoralizing to lose any evidence of readers.
Favorite Original Stands: Ocean Blue, Wildhearts, Mr. Big
Worst Original Character: Joey

Games What Actually Came Out In 2024

Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth

It's a testament to how great the middle of this game is that I still remember it fondly despite how terrible the ending is. It establishes dangerous precedents that make the a third Ichiban-helmed game an incredibly shaky proposition. Still, it's genuinely got some of the highest highs of the series yet.
Best Substory (Possibly Ever): Let It Snow
What Were They Thinking: Making Toru Furuya speak so much English

Balatro

Somehow even more insidious of a time black hole than Vampire Survivors was. I will never play this again and that's okay.
Best Hand: High Card
Worst Joker: Matador

Dragon's Dogma 2

I upgraded my PC to play this game and maybe I shouldn't have. This could have never possibly lived up to the version of it that I built in my head and I have to accept that. I still think it's a really neat game, but it's lacking much of the scrappy, minutiae-obsessed spirit of the original. Perhaps one day, the wind will push us into the skies again.
Best Sphinx Quest: Riddle of Futility
Biggest Disappointment: Half-baked back third

Hades 2 (Early Access)

Again, I wish Supergiant didn't make this but I respect the need to do so in this capitalist hellhole. It's good and I knew it would be good, but I find the entire concept kind of saddening. Who knows if we'll get a new original from them this decade, if ever?
Best New Design: Hephaestus
Worst Redesign: Dionysus

1000xRESIST

Fantastic sci-fi story deeply informed by the global socioeconomic situation the past few years. Laser targeted at the Asian diaspora in ways that few things are. There's so much to unpack in even the small details that it's kind of hard to even talk about, but I highly recommend it (also highly recommend Kastel's post about it). Hekki grace, sisters.
Best Sister: Bang Bang Fire
Worst Bit of Tedium: Hope you like wandering a confusing hub level

Nine Sols

Yes, it is Hollow Knight meets Sekiro by way of Taoism, and turns out that's a real slick combination. Yi is a great protagonist with some genuine layers; he is not a good person and he knows it. Combat really does nail the same feelings as Sekiro, where any given boss phase feels impossible at first and by the time you're fighting the next phase regularly, you aren't getting hit even once.
Best Feeling: No-hit first phase two hours after first phase obliterated you
REALLY Tired of These Levels: Chased by a big crosshair

Elden Ring: Shadow of the Erdtree

Reaching some of the highest highs FromSoftware has hit yet means that the relative lows feel way worse in comparison. Actual ending is dry toast which makes it even more frustrating/fascinating that the best stuff is shunted off to play second fiddle.
Best Lore Drop: Shaman's Village
Worst Lore Drop: Final Boss's Armor Description

The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom

When the Switch came out, I was worried that we'd end up losing the mid-tier handheld Nintendo game entirely. Alas, that did broadly happen, but Echoes of Wisdom is a lovely reminder that we still have room for 2D Zelda games. It's interesting to see BoTW's design ethos adapted to a different form.
Best Echo: Water Block
Worst UI Decision: No favorites menu

UFO 50

I cooked up the definitive Ranking of UFO 50 back when this came out. They really commit to the bit and some of the individual games in here could be the full asking price on their own. Worth the wait, somehow.
Most Likely to Secretly Be a Circa-2010 Indie Game: Warptank
Game I Want to Play But Don't Have Patience For: Golfaria

Metaphor: ReFantazio

I said most of what I have to say about this game in my post/review. It's broadly well made and I don't regret playing it, but I also fundamentally find it a disappointment.
Best Non-Party Follower: Brigitta
Biggest Letdown: Mage Academy

Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine 2

Rogue Trader, as my first foray into 40K, had me in the mood to check out some other stuff in the grim darkness of humanity's future. I played this via a friend's account so I could avoid dropping $60 on it, and that was the right choice. Sometimes an 8-10 hour romp of shooting aliens in the head is all you need.
Best Melee Weapon: Thunder Hammer
Worst Ranged Weapon: Plasma Incinerator

SKALD: Against the Black Priory & Scarmonde

Wrote a joint post about these two, not because they're actually connected at all but because my brain kinda sorted them into the same box. I'd love to see more games like these: just solid $15-20 RPGs that last for about 15-20 hours. Good times.
Best Class: Ranger (SKALD), Paladin (Scarmonde)
Biggest Pain in the Ass: Slimes (SKALD), Lv2 Orbs (Scarmonde)

Until Then

I was really taken by this when I played the demo during some NextFest or another, but then ended up putting it off until the last week of December. I think it's really quite good, but it started to drag a bit once I got into the back third of the game; it could have been half as long and hit just as hard. Great anime-inspired animation and solid, affecting character work.
Deserved More Screentime: Sofia
Probably Should've Been Reworked A Bit: Jake

#games

Notes on Oliver Burkeman's Meditations for Mortals

2026-04-07T17:30:49.398Z

book full title:
Meditations for Mortals: Four Weeks to Embrace Your Limitations and Make Time for What Counts
Bookshop link

I've been on the mailing list of Oliver Burkeman's newsletter ("The Imperfectionist") for quite a while now and think it's pretty good. But also I have ADHD and a lot of stuff drops out of my head pretty much immediately.

These notes are really just paraphrasing in the end, but the hope is that making myself engage a bit more with it means I'll internalize some more of it. I get to read more and it's hashtag-Content for the website. Win-win, clearly.

Intro

The overall premise of the book is that, as mere mortals, we will never truly be able to get our lives as under control as we wish them to be (or as self-help books insist we can). There will never be a mythical time where everything else is out of the way and we can finally focus on the stuff we want, and only by accepting as such can effort be truly put towards the things we are otherwise constantly waiting/preparing to do. We are finite beings.

In the intro he notes "the efficiency trap", where (using email as an example) by getting faster at replying to emails, you simply receive more emails and become known for prompt replies, causing yet more emails, and the flawed belief that you can always stay on top of all your emails with a bit more effort ends up taking up even more time and energy.

Viewing existence as something to be conquered, optimized, or brought under control means you're cursing yourself to always feel overwhelmed, and the things you want to do once you're "stable" will simply never happen. Life becomes "an infuriating chore, something to be endured". Only by accepting you will have regrets, disappoint people, and never live up to the ideal, can you start to actually enjoy life.

The format is meant to be "one chapter a day" over the eponymous four weeks, with broad weekly categories.

Week One: Being Finite

Day 1, "It's worse than you think: On the liberation of defeat"

Burkeman asserts that the best way to start doing what matters to you is to understand that you will never live up to your dreams in the scant limited time you have on Earth. People think that they can overcome their to-do lists by summoning willpower and being efficient, but the to-do list is infinite and, as finite beings, it is literally impossible for us to check every box.

(He does note that depending on your position there might be serious consequences to not fulfilling specific tasks.)

He repeats the chapter title: everything is worse than you think. You will always be busy. You will always have impostor syndrome. Your relationships will always be somewhat troubled. The sooner you accept this then the sooner you can stop spending all your energy trying to make things perfect and start spending it on how things actually are.

He puts it another way: you cannot have "control over life, or safety from life", because you are always in life. You cannot stop the plane from crashing because it has already crashed. All you can do is the best you can with what you have.

Day 2, "Kayaks and superyachts: On actually doing things"

Burkeman does not have a "system" that you can just follow and then things will work out. He says: to do things you must do them, it is that simple, but it is also one of the hardest things in the world.

He notes the "sneaky trap" of "becoming the kind of person who does that sort of thing". Rather than simply writing, you spend all your time and energy "becoming a writer"; buying books, listening to podcasts, making it into a Project that becomes far too huge and daunting to reasonably do at the moment... so you put it off until you have more time and energy. What better way to procrastinate than to research and prepare?

chapter's eponymous metaphor:
To be human is to be in a kayak; you can steer and react in the present moment, but are otherwise largely at the mercy of the current and the rapids. You cannot choose your present circumstances. The false image of control in our minds is the superyacht, where we can daydream about being the captain and letting The System perfectly carry out our orders as we relax until we hit the destination.

The actionable advice is to figure out what is one thing to be done today that is good enough to simply do. He notes spending time wondering about what's best to do is to again be imagining the superyacht, while spending even two or three minutes proverbially kayaking forward is a more tangible and real action. It is reality and not fantasy.

Day 3, "You need only face the consequences: On paying the price"

Burkeman argues that while we feel like we simply cannot make certain choices, the fact of the matter is that we can but must then face the consequences. As finite human beings, all our choices have consequences in at minimum the form of that time not being used for something else. The idea you "must" do something means you have chosen to not pay the price of refusing, while deciding you "can't" do something means you chose not to pay the cost of doing it.

He notes the "elephant in the room" with this assertion: some consequences for some people are far more serious than others; you probably shouldn't do something that causes you physical harm or leaves you destitute. However, if we were to be truly honest with ourselves, we usually exaggerate potential consequences to avoid having to frame our actions as a deliberate choice. It's easier to swallow having "no options".

Quote:

"It's a particular peril among the progressive-minded, I've noticed, to take the fact that a given choice might be unfeasible for the underprivileged as a reason not to make it yourself. But unless it's you who's underprivileged, that's an alibi, not an argument."

The idea essentially seems to be that by framing your actions in this way, you are claiming more agency over yourself, even if your actual actions don't change. You move from "having no choice" to "making a choice", and the latter fundamentally has more room for alternatives you may not have recognized before.

Day 4, "Against productivity debt: On the power of a 'done list'"

This chapter describes how many of us live as though we are in "productivity debt", which must be proverbially paid off across the day to justify our existence. We feel inherently inadequate if we do not hit certain arbitrary standards, the worst of which is "realizing your potential" because there is no way to measure such an abstract concept. Burkeman says to not combine material day-to-day obligations (paying rent, taking care of children, etc.) with this abstracted sense of obligation of paying off an existential debt.

Puritanical capitalist society has an obvious interest in keeping everyone feeling inadequate since then they buy things to make the feelings go away. So we constantly live in a state of anxiety and exhaustion, feeling guilty about doing "unproductive" things like hanging out with friends or, say, sleeping. And each new milestone causes the proverbial debt to gain more interest because you can't just settle, you must improve.

His method to combat the feeling of productivity debt is the "done list", which starts empty and includes the tasks you have completed each day, no matter how mundane. The idea is that instead of comparing our actions to what we could potentially do (thus dooming ourselves to feeling inadequate), the done list compares our output to having done literally nothing at all. Instead of "paying off debt", it's accumulating accomplishments. Plus it feels better to do something for its and your sake than because you feel like it must be done to pay your debt.

Day 5, "Too much information: On the art of reading and not reading"

As we all know, the internet bombards us with far more information than we can possibly process. There will always be more genuinely interesting stuff than we have time to absorb, no matter how efficient the algorithm is, or how fast we learn to speed-read, or how much we turn up the speed on podcasts.

Burkeman offers three pieces of advice on handling Unlimited Information:

Treat your to-read pile like a river, not a bucket
- It's not a container that fills and must be emptied. It flows along, and you can choose when to pick something up or put it back in. There is no guilt in simply allowing the river to flow on its own.
Resist the urge to stockpile knowledge
- If you treat everything as something you must hoard and remember and take notes on, then reading becomes a chore. Let things affect you in the present and in your subconscious.
Consuming information is a present-moment activity, like everything else
- Focusing on "reaping later benefits" narrows your perception and opportunities. It's okay - even preferable - to do things that are simply enjoyable or interesting in the moment, because the moment is the only real life.

Day 6, "You can't care about everything: On staying sane when the world's a mess"

Technology has created a world where we are asked to care about everything at maximum intensity. No literal saint in human history, over their entire lives, ever viewed as much human suffering as social media exposes us to daily. Outlets and social media have direct and obvious financial interest in making us as horrified and outraged as possible. It's the attention economy exploiting the inherent impulse to be a good person.

It ends up paralyzing us to care so much about so many things we cannot affect. By picking your battles, you can do more with the battles you do pick, rather than performatively show you care about everything.

Day 7, "Let the future be the future: On crossing bridges when you come to them"

We live in the present, and often parts of the future are simply out of our control. The act of worrying is the mind trying to regain control by trying to figure out how to cross every possible bridge that we might come across. And we can never be truly sure we're safe until after we crossed the bridge anyway, so worrying locks us into constant fear and anxiety.

Worry made more sense when the world was more immediate and humans had to be wary of predators. But the world (despite being faster than ever in some ways) now has delayed consequences and you often can't tell if something is a problem for weeks or months. Anxiety about those things is a lingering weight upon you. You will still be you when the future happens and you can mentally deal with it then.

Sometimes "the next and most necessary thing" is to plan for the future, but most of the time it isn't. You can only truly control what you are doing in the current moment. Most of the future bridges we worry about are ones that we don't even need to cross once we get there.

Week Two: Taking Action

Day 8, "Decision-hunting: On choosing a path through the woods"

Burkeman opens by saying, "Embracing your limitations isn't a matter of settling for less in life." The point of facing our finitude is that removing the burden of doing everything and doing it all perfectly makes it easier to actually do things that enrich our lives. It's about making imperfect decisions and committing to carrying them out imperfectly.

Decisions are not things that just "come along" and then we pick an option, but things we must actively hunt for. There's a distinction between "choosing" and "trying to decide"; the latter is spinning our wheels while the former is taking a step, however small. Indecision feels comfortable, because it's avoidance of the pain of sacrificing all the other things we could be doing. Decision focuses that energy into a single point.

He notes two rules of "decision-hunting":

Decisions don't count until you've actually done something in reality that discards alternatives. Telling yourself you decided isn't good enough.
Decisions can be as tiny as you want. You do not have to instantly upend everything. But they do still have to be real actions.

Quote from E.L. Doctorow, that I've seen multiple places other than this book:

"[Writing] ...is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way."

You can never truly know ahead of time what consequences your decisions will have. But you also can't truly know in hindsight either, because you chose this path, not the other one. And the only way to move forward is to keep choosing; otherwise you are simply stuck at the crossroads forever.

Day 9, "Finish things: On the magic of completion"

Finishing things replenishes energy rather than depleting it. Finishing things helps you finish more things.

Perfectionists love to start new things because that way they can bask in the ideal potential vision and don't have to smash headlong into the inevitable limitations. Finishing things is inherently messy and imperfect.

Metaphor: we think of upcoming objects and events from different "mental altitudes". At first, you see things from super high up, in broad terms. As things get closer, the details appear, the flaws in the plan or the grunt work involved coming into focus. It often feels easier to switch to a new goal which is not yet in focus... but all worthwhile goals inevitably have a certain amount of "unsexy" work involved.

If you never finish things, you never build a track record and you never get true feedback to use next time. Instead you become depressed and overwhelmed at the ever-increasing number of unfinished things on your mind. Each one is a drain on your energy.

Burkeman notes a trick to finishing things: redefine "finished" as smaller pieces. Break down a larger goal into smaller "deliverables." He notes here that the term "deliverables" is, "monstrous business-speak, evoking the soulless milieu in which people talk of cloudifying business-critical learnings and future-proofing core competencies," but also that it can be helpful to view tasks with a certain level of mechanicalness because it lessens the drama of trying to finish something. It becomes routine and surmountable.

He recommends defining deliverables as something achievable in a single sitting, ranging from a few minutes to at most an hour. That way you can do it in one go, and then it is Done (on the Done List, even). If you keep plugging away at goals in this way, finishing things becomes simpler and less fraught; it becomes part of the flow of life, rather than fighting against the current.

Day 10, "Look for the life task: On what reality wants"

When caught at a crossroads of options or stuck between pressure points or unable to figure out what's next, ask yourself, "What is the next essential life task?" Not what do you want to do, but what does your life want to do? It need not (though it might) line up with society's expectations.

Burkeman says identifying your next life task is a matter of intuition, but offers two guidelines:

It's something only to be done "by effort and with difficulty", that pushes against the inertia of comfort and security. That said, you also have to watch out for the "internalized voice of societal morality" that thinks it's smarter and wants you to do unreasonable things.
A true life task may be difficult, but it is always immediately achievable. This helps separate a life task from some dramatic concept of "destiny" or "true calling" that trends towards materially impossible. A life task is what you can do right now with your current skills and resources.

Considering your current life task means shifting your perspective and digging deeper than the usual assumptions, including what society and others expect of you. A life task shouldn't feel oppressive, but instead like you're getting a handle on things because it's defined by your current situation. There is always some step to take.

Day 11, "Just go to the shed: On befriending what you fear"

Our lives are disproportionately shaped by what we're actively trying to avoid. Anxiety causes us to not confront things, when confronting them is the only way to actually do something about it; purposefully avoiding things makes it more likely they'll turn into serious problems down the line. And the longer your avoid things, the more time you spend scared and unhappy.

Burkeman refers to a book titled Time Surfing by Paul Loomans. Loomans refers to the tasks we're avoiding as "gnawing rats", and says that conventional advice is to confront and overcome the rats with brute force. But that creates more avoidance, because you end up spending your entire life in an adversarial relationship with yourself. His advice is to befriend the rats. To do this you want to proverbially "go to the shed", accepting that the situation you're avoiding is already part of your reality whether or not you want it to be.

This is different from reducing anxiety by breaking something down into manageable chunks (removing a rat from the pack so you can kill it). Befriending the rat means defusing the anxiety by making it present; Loomans says the "gnawing rats" transform into "white sheep", harmless creatures that follow you until you do something about it. They start waiting their turn rather than hanging around your neck.

He outlines a practical way of befriending your rats: ask what you'd be willing to do to address it, and be truly honest. He relates a story about psychologist Virginia Valian, who wanted to work on her PhD thesis but found the anxiety insurmountable. She figured out how much time she was willing to spend on it each day:

"I talked about it with J, the man I live with, and he suggested three hours. Three hours! The very thought gave me an anxiety attack. How about two hours? Two hours! The very thought…One hour? More reasonable, but still not possible. Half an hour? Getting closer but still too much. Fifteen minutes? Fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes. Now there was a figure I could imagine. A nice solid amount of time, an amount of time I knew I could live through every day."

To push through in a way you think you should is still an act of anxiety and fear. There is genuine courage in recognizing your own limits in dealing with your problems.

Day 12, "Rules that serve life: On doing things dailyish"

Burkeman relates an anecdote about the "Seinfeld Strategy", where allegedly Jerry Seinfeld stated to mark a big red X on your calendar every day you spend dedicating some time to your creative goal. If you do it every day, you have a bunch of Xs on your calendar and you must not break the chain. This has since become a popular standard of productivity advice, but in an interview, Jerry Seinfeld said he originally said that as a forgotten one-off comment.

"Keeping the chain" is not the same thing as "doing the work", and you don't have to do the work every single day. Burkeman (borrowing the term from Dan Harris of Ten Percent Happier) suggests instead to do things "daily-ish." Doing something every single day is unsustainable because life is not that predictable. "Dailyish" removes the fetters of perfection and gives room for imperfect but concrete progress.

Plus the definition of "dailyish" is conveniently mutable. He says that two days a week clearly isn't dailyish while five is, and you know in your heart that three days might count if you're going through a rough patch. You still push yourself to work, but not unreasonably, and without "expecting the rule to force the action."

Much productivity advice relies on the hidden allure that there is a secret set of rules that, if followed, simply force some kind of accomplishment into being in an automatic fashion. Humans yearn for simplicity like this not out of laziness but out of anxiety and not trusting ourselves. The rule becomes a substitute for knowledge or a whip to self-flagellate, something that carries the burden of living for us. Rules are meant to serve life, not the other way around.

Day 13, "Three hours: On finding focus in the chaos"

While there is no true one-size-fits-all rule, one particular thing crops up with uncanny consistency among memoirs and historical accounts of creatives, intellectuals, and others who do "knowledge work". Admittedly, many notable figures had servants or families who handled much of the mundane work of life for them, allowing them to spend their downtime in various pursuits. But the stories of the focused work are strangely consistent.

You make more progress if you limit yourself to about three to four hours of concentrated work a day. This is supposedly because:

Intense focus uses up your energy, so it's more effective to do so during your peak hours rather than half-heartedly across the entire day.
Creative work relies on your brain quietly making connections while it's not focusing.
Limiting the allowed work time prevents it from becoming an intimidating, oppressive mass consuming all waking hours.

Accordingly, Burkeman suggests cordoning off a three-to-four-hour period each day away from other appointments and interruptions in which to do the serious work, and not to worry too much about the rest of the day which will inevitably be shredded by everyday chaos. Most people do not have the capacity for much more serious concentration per day, and it frees us from the futile struggle to force time itself under our control. The rule respects that work requires focus, but saves us from bracing ourselves all day against inevitable interruptions.

Most importantly, it pushes against the urge of Hurry, the voice that says to hustle and get as much done as fast as possible, to burn yourself out because if you just grind out the next week you'll definitely be on top of all your work forever. Rest and good mood are essential for sustainable, quality work.

Depending on your own circumstances, it might not be possible to fully remove yourself from "the culture of overwork." But you can at least psychologically decouple yourself from it, kill the delusion that you can squeeze in juuuust another couple hours today. The three-to-four-hour rule builds the skill to stop and recuperate despite the discomfort of feeling unfinished.

Day 14, "Develop a taste for problems: On never reaching the trouble-free phase"

There's always something. Are you expecting that you will reach a point in your life where you have no more problems?

Living our lives under the assumption that eventually we won't have to deal with ordinary problems causes us to feel the weight of those problems more keenly. We end up living in a world that feels fundamentally flawed because it's got too many problems, and considering ourselves as fundamentally flawed because we haven't eliminated the problems. This is a delusion keeping us trapped in the future.

A "problem" is any situation that confronts the limits of our capacity to control the outcome. If you accept that you cannot win against the concept of problems then you can shift your focus towards the specific problems you actually have. You can live in the present rather than trying to constantly kill the present to reach an impossible future.

Week Three: Letting Go

Day 15, "What if this were easy?: On the false allure of effort"

This chapter starts by noting a danger in all of the previous advice offered: it risks implying that meaningful action is always tough or complex. Burkeman says that if you define all meaningful tasks as requiring a certain amount of exertion and yourself as someone who needs to build up motivation to do them, you end up framing every day as a battle of will.

Under this mindset, you end up not doing satisfying things that would have been fairly simple because you convince yourself they're not easy and require more work. When you do take action, you overexert yourself because it becomes about "putting in the effort" rather than the action itself. This is the "bogus reverse logic" of tying effort to satisfaction: the assumption that the effort itself is what matters. If you use up all your energy, you subconsciously assume you spent the time well because it took a lot of effort... even if the action itself was unnecessary.

Quote, from an anonymous comment on a Washington Post article:

"My mom used to get really upset at what she perceived as my half-assing. I'm 48 now, have a PhD and a thriving and influential career, and I still think there is very very little that's worthy of applying my whole entire ass. I'm not interested in burning myself out by whole-assing stuff that will be fine if I half- or quarter-ass it. Being able to achieve maximum economy of ass is an important adult skill.

Rather than attempting to summon up a well of motivation, ask yourself if the thing you're trying to do is simply easier than you were assuming. This isn't about denying the reality that some things are hard, but about preventing yourself from unconsciously making things more complicated than they are. Caring about something isn't the same as that thing being necessarily complex or difficult.

Day 16, "The reverse golden rule: On not being your own worst enemy"

Chapter opens by noting how cringe it is to talk about being kinder to yourself.

When we try to force ourselves to things that are important to us, especially when we are trying to do them regularly every day, it's easy to start blaming ourselves and our shortcomings when life inevitably gets in the way. Instead, try to do things when you feel like doing them, so that you are not viewing life as a constant battle against yourself.

Quote:

"It's easy to believe that if you let yourself do what you want, you might spend the day scrolling slack-jawed through Instagram. But often the truth is that 'scrolling slack-jawed through Instagram' is what happens after you've told yourself you can't do what you want, because you can't afford or don't deserve to - and you grow so resentful and annoyed by whatever you try to force yourself to do instead that you reach for your phone as a distraction."

Some might say it's a sign of privilege to even consider being able to use your time on what you feel like doing, and of course it's true that everyone has limitations on their freedom and some have notably worse limitations. But there's no prize for not using your own means in solidarity with those who can't; at some point you're just beating yourself up for making use of what you do have.

Doing what you want to do isn't self-indulgent, it's facing the reality of the moment. What's truly self-indulgent is assuming you can bully and shout at yourself until you do things.

Day 17, "Don't stand in generosity's way: On the futility of 'becoming a better person'"

Rather than trying to make yourself into the kind of person who does good things, it's better to simply do the good things. If you already worry that you're not a good person and aren't generous or kind enough, that probably means you have that positive impulse and feel bad about not acting on it more often. Often we don't do these things because we create our own barriers; we want to feel in control and be optimally kind.

A strategy for this is to quickly act on generous impulses when they arise, not overthink it. If you keep doing this, you are being more generous without having to "become a more generous person." It's better to find the positive traits already within you than tie them up in guilt and obligation.

Day 18, "Allow other people their problems: On minding your own business"

People-pleasing arguably involves a self-important, outsized view of oneself, assuming everyone else is thinking negatively of you, or that your specific presence is bringing down the room. Other people's negative emotions are problems that belong to them, not something you can control or fix. Even if people are genuinely upset with you, that's still their problem. It also doesn't even really work. On some level, people eventually can tell you're coming from a selfish place and perhaps even adding to their problems.

This is not the same as ignoring others' emotions or being a dick to everyone all the time. The point is that you give up personal agency by tying your personal sense of being okay to everyone else also being okay, making them responsible for you. It's healthier to choose to act (Day 3, above) on others' emotions because you have considered the situation.

Quote:

"'You know,' a Guardian editor once told me, very early in my career, after she'd been waiting all day for me to tell her whether or not I could take on a certain assignment, because I feared I didn't have the bandwidth, yet also couldn't bear to disappoint her, 'if you can't do something, saying no right away usually makes it much easier for everyone.'"

Day 19, "A good time or a good story: On the upsides of unpredictability"

Many of our most cherished memories are about moments when things were out of our control, or things happening that we could not have possibly predicted, and yet we constantly strive for greater control of the world.

Working towards greater control of the world has obviously brought many benefits to humanity (medical knowledge, food production, etc.) but also downsides (climate change, surveillance state, social media anxiety). If we have 100% control over life, then life loses its "resonance." Focusing on metrics over the work itself makes most jobs worse.

Of course we still need the world to be somewhat controllable; we need enough control to actually engage with reality. It's the outcome of doing so that gains value from being unknown.

Day 20, "Set a quantity goal: On firing your inner quality controller"

Worrying about the quality of our ideas means we ignore the majority of them, which curtails the potential for organic growth. Focusing on quantity instead creates more room for unexpected gains.

Burkeman describes the "falling in love with the process" adage as a defense mechanism against anxiety over things not working out, which doesn't work because pretending you don't care about the outcome doesn't really help anything. And it's only for artsy folk anyway.

Quantity overpowers perfectionism: instead of hoping you'll make something good, you get to know that you'll make something. The idea is to replace the activity of "thinking of what to write" with "writing". And you are forced to reckon with the fact that when the quality ends up being substandard, the world does not immediately end.

Day 21, "What's an interruption, anyway? On the importance of staying distractible"

If you obsessively try to shut out distractions and interruptions, you are paradoxically both increasing the number of things you consider distractions and making them more powerful when they inevitably appear anyway. Do this too much and you view your entire life as a series of distractions from some nebulous concept of "what you're meant to be doing instead," causing you to shut out ever increasing portions of reality.

Labeling things as interruptions or distractions in the first place is trying to assert control by assuming you know in advance what the most optimal and ideal way for time to pass. But no matter what we think, Things Happen and Keep Happening; we can sort them into "should happen" or "shouldn't happen" boxes, but we can't actually stop them from happening.

By labelling "interruptions" in such a way, we pretend that stable, intense focus is the default, which is blatantly false. The human brain is built to observe and be aware of multiple things. Rigidly trying to eliminate distraction undermines your ability to respond to reality in real time and follow unexpected opportunities.

Quote:

"Looking at this from this angle, you might even argue that what makes modern digital distraction so pernicious isn't the way it disrupts attention, but the fact that it holds it, with content algorithmically engineer to compel people for hours, thereby rendering them less available for the serendipitous and fruitful kind of distraction."

This doesn't mean not having boundaries, it means trying to perceive everyday reality as less negative. If your focus is diverted by something, try giving the new thing your full attention, even if it's to say that you don't have time right now. Trying to split your focus just makes it worse for everyone involved.

Week Four: Showing Up

Day 22, "Stop being so kind to Future You: On entering time and space completely"

We are in real life, right now, even though we haven't done any of the things we intended to do or any of the things society wants us to do. The past is over and the future hasn't happened yet, there is only the Right Now. If you see everything as leading up to some point in the future where you can start enjoying yourself and live a Real Life, you treat your actual life as something to "get through", something provisional.

One can reach this state of mind by avoiding all commitments and the sacrifices involved, but also by taking life too seriously and obsessing over efficiency with the intent of "preparing" for the future where it'll all definitely run smoothly. Electing to be miserable now to make yourself happy later only works to a certain extent. Either way the motive is the fear of finitude.

Quote:

"Looking back, I see that I was always telling myself that once I figured out how to be a national newspaper journalist, or a good partner, or the best possible parent, I'd let myself relax into those roles; now at least on my better days, I realise that the activity of figuring such things out is the substance of an absorbing life, not something I need to do in order to prepare for one."

Burkeman notes the infamous marshmallow test, pointing out there's no virtue in "accumulating the greatest number of uneaten marshmallows that would be delicious were you ever to let yourself consume one." There's no guarantee you'll even be around in the future to do the things you are putting off. Might as well do some today.

Day 23, "How to start from sanity: On paying yourself first"

"Sanity" here refers to "the kind of life you want to be living". We are not perfect, so it's natural to treat "sanity" as something we are constantly working towards. But by treating it as a state we can only reach by preparing ourselves or getting other things out of the way first, then we are just constantly reinforcing that "sanity" is forever distant and unavailable. "Striving towards sanity" deepens the stress. "Operating from sanity" means treating the present moment as somewhere sanity is achievable, as opposed to an obstacle on the path towards sanity.

There will always be more things to "get out of the way first", and eventually life just becomes about getting those things out of the way rather than doing the thing we want to reach. One thing to do is "pay yourself first with time" and do the thing that matters to you first. 30 minutes doing the thing are more valuable than a hundred hypothetical hours.

Burkeman notes three techniques for this:

Deal with a backlog by isolating it. Rather than devoting time to burning through the backlog of emails or small tasks, separate it into another folder or list and focus on new tasks that arrive. You can work on the backlog a bit at a time or if possible abandon it entirely.
Free up time by renegotiating existing commitments, not just planning to make fewer. Rather than scrambling to meet all your commitments, bite the bullet and redo the ones you already have. This might mean backing out of something, cancelling plans, or requesting extensions, but it also means reducing your current load rather than your hypothetical future load.
Treat your to-do list as a menu. It's not something you have to completely eliminate before you can relax, but a list of things to choose from based on your current needs and wants. There's probably not enough time and energy for all of them anyway. Seeing tasks as choices rather than chores can help.

Quote:

"Life certainly doesn't become problem-free and, what's more, you're no longer so confident it ever will. But your problems start to feel more tractable and interesting, and often enough you find you can approach them with relish."

Day 24, "Scruffy hospitality: On finding connection in the flaws"

If you have a whole checklist of things you must make right in the house before you have visitors over, at some point you'll stop inviting people over because it's too much of a hassle. And if they're your friends, what are you gaining from hiding the daily reality of your life from them? Is your relationship something that can be ruined by a cluttered table?

It's fine to put on a show for guests, but thinking of it as mandatory is tacitly admitting you think of your life as inadequate the rest of the time, and arguably that your guests' lives are inadequate if they do not put in the same level of work for company. It's better for everyone involved to be more open about their own perceived shortcomings, which takes pressure off social interactions.

Extrapolated out beyond the frame of houseguests, viewing the world through people's greatest achievements and best days causes anxiety and burnout over not reaching that standard. It's liberating to view the world as flawed and human, where we don't have to constantly project strength and can recognize how we can support each other.

Day 25, "You can't hoard life: On letting the moments pass"

Quote:

"Were I to put the stressful feeling into words, it might go roughly as follows: 'This is amazing! This is the kind of place in which I've always wanted to live, and the kind of thing I've always wanted to do in the early mornings - so I'd better make sure I'm getting the most out of it, and also, do whatever I can to make sure I can keep having this sort of experience forever, because it's slipping away already!'"

Buddhism teaches that part of our own suffering is because we try too hard to hold onto the good things. You might not enjoy a moment because you're focused too hard on making it last, or taking pictures of it, or beating yourself up for not having more good days. If your focus is on accumulating a catalogue of good experiences, you can never truly be present for said experiences.

Much anxiety is rooted in the feeling that good times are going to slip away and that we must hold onto them as tightly as possible. But as finite beings, all things we do or experience must come to an end, so the value in any given thing comes at least partly from its finitude. The transience of any given moment is core to the experience of that moment.

Day 26, "Inconceivable: On the solace of doubt"

We generally operate by first figuring out what's going on and then acting on that once we're confident that we have enough information. But it's easy to fall into the trap of "analysis paralysis", where we indefinitely continue to collate and consider, research and review. Which is understandable, because life is big and scary. We can never truly have all the pertinent information.

As a potential salve to this anxiety, Burkeman notes the occasionally bandied about "medieval peasant" joke (as in, "consider what a medieval peasant would think"). For most of human history, everyday life was far more uncertain than it is for us today, and so the idea of having to fulfill a list of intellectual prerequisites before taking action would have been somewhere between alien and ridiculous. The act of living life is inherently to be in uncertainty.

We don't need to (perhaps can't) have all the context or answers before taking action, and we also don't need to let uncertainty cause us undue anxiety. Not knowing what's going on is perhaps closer to the gestalt human experience; the value is in gaining that experience, not simply having it.

Day 27, "C'est fait par du monde: On giving it a shot"

The French in the chapter title is from an internet post Burkeman saw, attributed to the poster's grandmother, roughly translated as: "People did that." Everything built by human civilization - rockets, pyramids, films, nations - was made by normal people who are just as flawed and finite as any of us. Though economic and material circumstances impose many limits on people, none of these achievements are superhuman.

A noted example Burkeman brings up, with the caveat that it obviously isn't morally good or anything, is the way L. Ron Hubbard decided he was going to make up a new religion (Scientology) and proceeded to go for it. Guy improvised a whole obviously bullshit religion and it somehow worked out for him. If he could do that, then you can probably accomplish whatever project you mean to.

We are all just human beings.

Day 28, "What matters: On finding your way"

On a large enough timescale, the actions and worries of a single person are pretty much completely ineffectual. Which brings up the question: why bother doing anything at all?

Just because we do not affect things on a massive scale doesn't mean our actions have no value. But accepting that they matter only in a transient sense means reckoning with our mortal limits; to avoid facing that truth, we convince ourselves that we are working towards some grand importance only to inevitably become discouraged when we don't manage that. Doing something small that affects only a few people is no less meaningful of an act.

Quote:

"You might easily have never been born, but fate granted you the opportunity to get stuck into the mess you see around you, whatever it is. You are here. This is it. You don't much matter - yet you matter as much as anyone ever did. The river of time flows inexorably on; amazingly, confoundingly, marvellously, we get the brief chance to go kayaking in it."

Epilogue, "Imperfectly onward"

Obviously one cannot completely change their perception and embrace their finitude within a four week (or one book) period, and suggesting that it's possible would be pushing the fantasy of Getting It All Sorted Out. You may simply never get over things that bother you until the day you die. Which seems depressing at first, but ultimately means you don't need to in the first place to justify your existence and do things that you find meaningful.

Similarly, there will never be a fresh start from which you can begin anew and start living in a perfectly imperfect way. There is only today, with all of the inevitable grief and despair of the human condition, and there's no reason to let that prevent us from living.

It took me like twice as long as the book's purported length of time to actually get these notes done, oops.

A lot of the stuff in here resonates with me but also must compete with decades of internalized western capitalist mindset. I find it extremely difficult to figure out "what I actually care about" because society has taught me to value things based on how big I can get the proverbial number.

Frankly, that number pretty much always rounds down to zero. Never enough.

Which is kind of the point of the book, I guess. Always more lessons to be relearned.

Hopefully I read more books and take more notes in the future (and not just self-help stuff either). See you again!

RPG Maker

2024-09-17T23:57:59.915Z

I want to fiddle with RPG Maker and do something maybe. I keep telling myself that part of why I'm doing the JoJo Let's Play is to absorb some RPG maker tips and tricks, but it's also made in RPG Maker 2000, which is pretty old at this point.

Either way, I wish I didn't keep landing on big overambitious ideas. Even the smallest endeavors are always more work than they seem.

I'm also looking into GB Studio, where perhaps the in-built limitations would curtail my worst tendencies.

#games

Projects Table of Contents

2024-09-15T19:18:28.598Z

Let's Play JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: The 7th Stand User

A good old fashioned text-and-screenshot Let's Play of a weirdly comprehensive and sprawling JoJo's Bizarre Adventure fangame.

Divine Engine Ancestor

Hmmmm

RPG Maker

hmmm...??

One-offs

I was so frustrated by the lack of narrative in Phantom Brigade that I wrote a short story

#index

Making Custom Subtitles for GUNHED (1989)

2025-07-23T21:22:35.550Z

(You can grab the subtitle file in question here)

GUNHED is a mecha/tokusatsu movie that I watched one time with some friends and enjoyed enough to needle most of my other friends to also watch it. The movie makes heavy use of bilingual dialogue (or as my friend says, "Tekken Rules"): most of it is in Japanese, but I'd wager about 30-40% of all spoken word in the movie is in mostly understandable English.

The movie has hardcoded subtitles... in Japanese, for the English dialogue. The English softsub track that comes with the version of the movie that most people will find (I am looking at the camera as I say this) only covers the Japanese dialogue. This is one of my big pet peeves when it comes to subtitling anime and whatnot, and I figured GUNHED is only about 100 minutes, so I took it upon myself in early 2025 to tweak the subtitles for a movie night. I watch subtitled media pretty much every single day! How hard could it be?

Anyway, now I have opinions.

The Process

I used a free program called Subtitle Edit, which as far as I can tell was made mostly for people to make/translate subtitles in various languages for videos on big streaming services like Netflix. It seems really nice, actually! The only real issue I ran into was that I couldn't figure out how to make it automatically grab the subtitle tracks attached to a video (I assume it's possible, but I was working on a pretty short time frame). I had to extract the track another way and then open it with SubEdit.

So on the right here you have the video in question. You can tell SubEdit which program you want to be used to play it (VLC or MPC or what have you), which seems like a cool feature to me. On the bottom is the audio waveform, and the left side contains the subtitles themselves. Basic use is simple as highlighting a portion of the waveform and typing in the text. Bam, you've got subtitles!

Except you also have to actually figure out what's being said. And how am I supposed to hear what's going on without my subtitles?

I'd sometimes sit for several minutes straight with the same three seconds of the movie looping constantly, trying to parse what fucking words were coming out of the characters mouths. In particular, Bombay (the obligatory "Game over, man! Game over!" character) was a huge pain in the ass. He talks quickly and sometimes switches between Japanese and English in the same sentence. If you can figure out what the hell he's actually saying at 10 minutes 24 seconds, please let me know and I will straight up venmo you five bucks.

Formatting

SubEdit has some baked-in guidelines for what it considers acceptable subtitles that I assume come from Netflix's style guide or something. You can see above that one line is highlighted in red; that means it's breaking said guidelines. What I figured out whilst working on GUNHED:

Any subtitles should be on screen for at minimum one second.
The amount of subtitles on screen should not be greater than two "lines".
- One line should not exceed 43 characters.
- Each line should have at minimum one second of reading time.
IRO'S ADDENDUM: You really need some kind of outline or drop shadow on your subtitles because otherwise you cannot read them for shit. This rule is never wrong.
sometimes these rules are just wrong

SubEdit conveniently has buttons that automatically breaks or splits lines across a larger amount of time to match with these guidelines. These almost always caused things to become harder to read, at least to my personal preferences.

Here's an example from the beginning of the movie where I was still feeling out how to even do any of this and assumed the guidelines were best. This is just one full sentence when spoken, but SubEdit broke it into multiple subtitle instances because it thinks there'd be too much text on screen at once.

This immediately brings up a question: should subtitles be formatted so they correspond directly to the audio being said at the time? I watch subtitled media pretty much every day, both in and out of my native language, and I think even when I'm watching something in English I want the subtitles to be text.

I hate when you get subtitles where one sentence...

...that are broken up across multiple instances...

...just like this.

I'm sure the guidelines exist for a reason, but it's so much harder for my brain to parse meaning in text with half-sentence chunks. I want as much of a complete sentence on screen as possible. (I do read faster than most dialogue is spoken, which I imagine to be the main issue with this approach, but that's on me.)

At some point I decided these subtitles were only for me and mine so there was no point in strictly adhering to these rules. And that I could put in whatever dumb shit I wanted.

Having Fun With It (SPOILERS AHEAD)

Disclaimer: I do not speak Japanese. I am not a professional translator in any capacity whatsoever. My only credential is that I've been blogging about anime for over a decade and have a vague sense for what I like in a translation/localization.

That said, at this point I've probably watched the movie more times than literally anyone who'd be reading this post and have a decent understanding of the plot. I felt it was appropriate to edit some of the subtitles for the Japanese lines. They're my subtitles and I can do whatever the fuck I want! I can change shit completely and nobody can stop me!!

A couple things, I judged to be straight-up mistakes. For example, while Brooklyn is looking for parts to repair GUNHED:

(On the video is the sub track the file came with, below is my edit.)

If you watch enough mecha (or have played Metal Gear Solid [side note: Brenda Bakke's character in this movie was the model for Holly White in Metal Gear 2]) you know that a vulcan is a type of gun. Technically it's a specific model of rotary cannon, but it's become a generic term used in various media like Gundam or Mega Man Battle Network. The katakana is バルカン (ba-ru-ka-n), so you could see how phonetically you could end up with Balkan. In context of this being a dumb mecha movie though? It's definitely vulcan and I have zero doubts about this.

Other spots I edited for clarity. Here, Brooklyn's telling Nim over coms that bad shit is happening. She responds (in English) with a curt, "So?" He says (in Japanese), "だから" (da-ka-ra, "so/therefore"), repeating it incredulously in a sort of "excuse me?!" tone.

The original subtitles just seem confusing to me in context and don't feel like the kind of thing you'd say in a back-and-forth conversation. This type of exchange happens at least one other time, and I changed it there too.

And sometimes I edited lines just because I felt like I could punch up the script. This one got actual hooting and hollering from viewers who hadn't seen the movie before:

A character at the beginning of the movie says as a joke that the old whiskey shipped to Island 8JO decades ago "used to make the robots dance". This scene felt like a direct callback to me, so I made the change accordingly to create a setup and payoff. Considering the reactions, I think it was the right move.

Conclusion

I have now seen GUNHED enough times piecemeal that I could quote like half the movie to you. I can call out the exact scene cut where you should pause so the Discord chat can take a bathroom break. I have genuinely contemplated buying the GUNHED anniversary plamo. It's now on my shortlist of "movies to put on the TV if everyone is too mentally blasted to think about anything and you just need something dumb for external stimulus" because I feel intimately familiar with it.

...It's honestly really not that good of a movie.

I also definitely have a newfound respect for sub groups everywhere. I - granted, a first-timer -took like 7-9 hours of focused work to do this, and most of it was already done for me. You're telling me that people transcribe, translate, time, and edit a whole episode of tokusatsu within 24 hours of airing? Every week? That's skilled labor! I'm even more pissed about Crunchyroll's alleged "$80 per episode" rates.

Last, well, it was a fun and interesting project to keep my mind occupied for a while. If you do feel like watching GUNHED, then maybe give my subs a shot, perhaps even compare them with the original track. Again, you can grab the subtitle file here. Enjoy, and let me know how it went!

I was so frustrated by the lack of narrative in Phantom Brigade that I wrote a short story

2024-09-17T17:28:43.319Z

(originally posted May 16, 2023)

Phantom Brigade really doesn't have much narrative to speak of and I wanted to do something that was (relatively) small scale. It still took me an annoyingly long amount of time, oops.

This is basically the first piece of writing I've "finished" (I haven't bothered to give it a serious editing pass or anything though) in probably the past... decade? Maybe the ADHD pills are actually doing something. Gosh.

Holiday's voice crackled through the radio. "I've lost him!"

"He's running between the buildings, staying out of sight," Whistle said. Military frames averaged about nine meters in height. Even a single-story house could serve as passable concealment if a pilot moved properly. Any weapon that could pierce a frame's armor would hardly be slowed by a mere civilian building, but... "Bastard knows we want to keep them intact."

The Royalists didn't care about collateral damage, no matter how much of a show they made about their supposedly bloodless takeover of the Capital. In the outer provinces like this one, entire villages were wiped out by indiscriminate barrages in the first weeks of the war. If there was any silver lining, it was that the Royalists still thought they could hold these territories with only a handful of frames. A detachment as small as Spectre wouldn't be able to take on groups any bigger.

"Spread out." Sierra's voice sounded like he'd eaten gravel for breakfast with gasoline for milk. He'd been part of Spectre Squad longer than any of them, and piloted early stunt frames before some of them had even been born. "Stay calm, cool off, and get ready."

Pavement shattered underfoot as Spectre Squad's frames stomped out of the maze of apartments and offices, encircling the perimeter of the district. Breaker - the lightest and most mobile of the bunch - boosted up to a small hill nearby, her frame's verniers blasting clouds of debris over the streets. She brushed trees aside like they were tall grass as the frame planted its knee and hefted its marksman rifle.

"The second the guy steps out, I'll have a clean shot," Breaker said. "Don't push in, Hol."

The final Royalist frame signal circled through the 3D wireframe of the town on the spherical predictive monitor, leaving no room for a clear sight-line. Spectre Squad's prediction system - the only thing that gave them an edge against more advanced Royalist frames - worked a mere five seconds ahead. That information couldn't have leaked. What was the pilot thinking, pinned down by four frames who could see his next move? If he'd simply eject, the fight would be over.

One. Two. Three seconds of silence.

"Fuck this, I'm going in." Holiday tossed his pickup-sized assault rifle aside, where it crushed a sedan like a fallen tree trunk. His verniers and plasma axe ignited simultaneously, heat scorching the ground beneath.

The signal blinked on the monitor. "No! Wait!"

Holiday leapt forty meters towards the roof of an apartment complex. One half of a second - no, a quarter - was all he needed to vent enough heat to jump down for the final swing. His plasma axe would cut clean through the Royalist's armor, or else hit hard enough to concuss the pilot and take him out of the fight.

The Royalist's heavy beam fired while he was in midair, melting the building's center in an instant. Holiday landed on the roof, but it crumbled under his heavily armored frame's weight. He tumbled directly into the path of the particle beam.

The radio let out a burst of static as Holiday's cockpit was vaporized.

"NO!" Whistle dashed to an intersection, ignoring his frame's own heat levels, letting loose a torrent of bullets from his heavy vulcan with no regard for accuracy. Bullets tore into the Royalist's right arm and the beam's blood red glow subsided as the weapon tumbled to the ground, far too heavy for a single arm to support.

The Royalist turned toward Whistle and reached for his sidearm, but the wave of fire was overwhelming. The frame fell limp, arms and legs in pieces. An escape pod launched from its back the moment Whistle's vulcan wound down, the air rippling from the heat of its glowing barrels. The pod arced northward away from the settlement.

The fight was over. Escape pods weren't a threat. Just as Spectre Squad had done dozens of times over the past months, they would report its estimated landing location to the Reclamation Corps, who would in turn capture the enemy pilot as a POW in accordance with international law.

"...I have a shot," Breaker whispered over the radio. Her rifle was trained skyward.

"Don't." There was no emotion in Sierra's voice.

Whistle's breathing was heavy, ragged. "Do it, sis."

One. Two. Three seconds of silence.

Another victory for the Spectre Squad.

Lars Jacobsen - call sign Sierra - leaned against an upper railing in the mobile base's hangar, file in hand. He ran it back and forth in a slow rhythm, shaving away tiny particles of steel. It was not the first tally he'd made in secret, and it probably wouldn't be the last. He had a knack for living.

The racks that usually held their frames were empty for now, cleared out to sort through the salvage. The remains of the frames involved in the battle were scattered below, divided into three piles: parts in good enough condition to repair to working order, parts that could be salvaged or cannibalized, and the pieces that were too wrecked to waste time bothering with. Today, the third pile was twice as big as the others combined.

An elevator brought Gibbous Joe, Spectre Squad's head mechanic, up onto the catwalk. The middle-aged man was heavyset, with a giant handlebar moustache and a limping gait that made him distinct from 50 meters. He approached Lars, dabbing sweat with a towel certainly dirtier than his face.

"Good news is," Gibbous Joe said, "I can get another frame in working order within six hours. Get us back up ta four."

Four frames was the limit the mobile base could keep operational simultaneously. With only three workable units, they'd have to pivot to focusing on smaller targets, slow the push into the outer provinces; but that'd just give the Royalists opportunity to manufacture and deploy more frames. Add to that they still had a cargo hold full of supplies meant for refugee camps in one of the well-defended core provinces... there just wasn't time. "Bad news?"

"Left arm only."

Lars sighed. The Royalists' backwards military standard stipulated all frame-spec weapons were right-handed, and Spectre Squad survived on salvage. Their paltry collection of ambidextrous gear was limited to shields, sidearms, and close-quarters. Making modifications was long and tedious work, the kind they often simply didn't have time or resources for. A fourth frame in that situation was riding the line of being a liability.

"Nobody to pilot it for now, anyway." He continued scraping the file against the railing, the tally mark growing imperceptibly deeper.

"You'll find someone," Gibbous Joe said. "Always do."

"Mm." Five months ago, after a disastrous battle in Vremmel, they'd been the only two surviving members of Spectre Squad. Neither was a stranger to losing a comrade in arms. The twins who signed on after that, though... young, angry. "They're out in town?"

"Ye-up. Locals plan on celebratin' the reclamation tonight. Told 'em to be back by 22, usual protocol."

Barely enough time to decompress under the best of circumstances; certainly not enough after what had happened today. And any plans for Spectre's immediate next moves were scuttled if they were down a frame. Lars turned away from the railing, counting out distances across the wall. It was... that wall panel, near the first of his tally marks from that day in Fyrland. He crouched beside it and elbowed a corner, knocking it loose.

Gibbous Joe's moustache twitched. "Ya sure, chief?"

"We're a guerrilla unit. We can relax protocol. Just for tonight."

The hidden cache contained four bottles of whiskey, looted from a wrecked distillery in Hedmark on the first day of Spectre Squad's campaign. Behind them was a loaded pistol.

The true test of a pilot was judging whether a battered and broken frame could keep fighting, or whether it was time to hit the eject button. The answer could change by the second, but you always had to be ready to make the choice. As for this time...

Lars pulled out a bottle. Sometimes, it all felt like too little for meaningful change. But even a drop in the bucket, at the right place and right time, could make all the difference. Half-empty was still halfway, after all.

He dangled the partially-consumed booze. "Care to explain, Joe?"

The mechanic grimaced, but maintained composure. "Explain what, sir?"

Lars shook his head as he replaced the wall panel. Though Joe didn't put his life directly on the line the same way the pilots did, frame maintenance was intensive and thankless. The man worked harder than any of them. Half a bottle was a small price to pay.

"Welcome to join us... after you get the new frame working," Lars said.

"Yeah, yeah... ain't even gonna bother. Y'all'll be drunk on your asses by then, it'd be a shitty time." Despite his grumbling, the mechanic was already hurrying down the catwalk towards the elevator, motioning for the other workers to begin the work. "Don't enjoy yerselves too much!"

"No promises. And get your own damn stash."

Katrin Mittermeier crouched beside an electrical box in the burnt-out town park, examining the wires. They'd been cut clean through by a sharp piece of shrapnel. Her twin brother Morten was chatting up some locals with tales of his exploits only a few meters away; close enough to dubiously claim he was involved in fixing the lights if someone asked him about it later, but far enough away that he didn't have to pay attention.

"You have a soldering iron?" she asked the teen beside her. "It'd be a bit sturdier."

Theodore looked like a deer in headlights. "Uh. Gramps probably does, dunno where, though." He motioned back towards town, away from the celebrations. "I can go check...?"

"Nah, I can do a quick fix. Just make sure to tell him later. Better for a local electrician to handle these things." She reached for a roll of electrical tape. "Make sure the power's off."

The lever beside the box was already in the off position, but Theodore held it in place. "Okay."

Katrin twisted the stripped wires into a spiral and wrapped the splice several times with the tape. Sloppy - Gibbous Joe would have scolded her - but it got the job done in a pinch. "Well, this might blow out every bulb on the block, but..." She nodded at Theodore. "Try it now."

With a kachunk, power was back. The attendees cheered as the park's surviving lampposts and the strings of lights they'd set up that afternoon flickered to life, illuminating the celebration. Festivities resumed.

"Eyyy, nice job guys! Knew you had it in ya, Sis!" Morten waved at them, bottle in hand. The problem solved, his attention snapped back to his little class of rapt followers. They were already heading back towards the refreshment tables as he started to explain the pros and cons of different assault rifle models.

"Screw you, asshole!" Katrin shouted after him, to no effect. She closed the box's panel a bit harder than she intended, shaking her head. "Well, I appreciate the help, Theodore."

"No uh, thank you, you know, for...for your service to the country?" The teen cringed at his own statement. "I dunno, that sounds..."

"Heh. On paper, we're 'dangerous foreign elements', you know. Culling your elderly, corrupting the youth. Turning sardines into bioweapons."

"Yeah, that's what my Gramps would say. He's a hardcore Royalist."

"Then he's not out here celebrating, I imagine."

"Yeah, no way. I told him I was only going out to check all the damage you guys caused, see if I could help anybody out."

Katrin's jaw tightened at the implication. Avoiding collateral damage in something as large and dangerous as a frame was almost impossible no matter how hard they tried. She saw it every sortie; a single stray round could total a house, or worse. The battle earlier was a couple blocks away and that building was nothing but rubble and slag now, Holiday's fucking ashes mixed with vinyl office chairs. "Mmm."

"Wasn't a total lie, right? Hahaha..."

"S'pose not."

A pause. Theodore forced another chuckle. "Heh, uh, I-I've heard about you, you know. The Spectre Squad. Any time you show up, the Reclamation Corps is right behind. Kicking out the fascists, no matter what it takes. Wish I cou..."

If the Reclamation Corps actually intended to retake the capital with military frames, they'd have to contend with wrecking half the city to do it. Hell, even if every single province turned against them, the Royalists would sooner smash the capital themselves than give up peacefully. The only reason they took over the inner provinces without widespread destruction was because the Diet rolled over like a submissive puppy and let them waltz right in, and now they blamed any conflict, any damage, on the violent, incompetent, hypocritical egalitarians. There were a dozen - a hundred - ways this all could have been stopped before it began.

She glanced at her watch. Forty-five until curfew; too late to get shit-faced, and no task to occupy her mind in the meantime. Morten was right to get started early.

Theodore hadn't stopped talking even though she hadn't been listening. "...ame manufacturers are still selling to both sides, you know?"

"Mhm." If it was going to be like this, staying at the mobile base would've been preferable. Gibbous Joe always complained he needed more hands on maintenance, anyway. "Well, I need to head back."

He deflated a bit. "Oh. Uh, already?"

"There's a lot to do... huh." Katrin spied someone out of the corner of her eye as she turned to leave. Sierra never came out to these sorts of things; he usually spent nights after a liberation handling administrative or logistical tasks. But there he was, loitering at the edge of the party, keeping a lookout for something. It wasn't curfew yet, though. "My boss is already here."

"Uh, see you, then."

Theodore offered a handshake, but Katrin didn't take it. She hurried away perhaps a bit more quickly than was polite, leaving the teen standing beside the electrical box.

Sierra held a small electrical lantern up in greeting as he noticed Katrin and met her partway across the street. He was scanning the attendees of the party, brow furrowed. "Your brother?" As always, Sierra's voice sounded like stone grinding on stone, as if each word took serious effort to speak.

"Not sure. Somewhere in there, two-and-a-half sheets to the wind," Katrin said. "Need me to drag him out?"

"Hm. If you like. No need though."

"Sir? What about curfew?" Shit. She was in trouble. "Never mind."

He lifted a bottle to eye height; Hedmark whiskey, halfway full. It had been her grandmother's favorite. "Thought you could use a drink. Or you can join the party this time."

"Oh. Uh..." Not in trouble? "Sure. I was looking for an excuse to leave anyway."

Sierra nodded and motioned for her to follow him as he headed away from the park and towards the town. The floodlights set up around the celebration were bright enough to allow visibility even a few blocks away, but quickly fell off as they approached the portion of town where the battle had taken place. Street lights were either burnt out or simply snapped off. Chunks of rubble and debris still littered the streets, along with the lingering stench of scorched plastic.

The journey was long enough for the silence to become awkward. She'd never spoken to him much one on one. Sierra was just their boss, the veteran. He'd been around longer than any of them except the mechanic. When she and Morten had signed on to Spectre Squad, Sierra was the only active pilot, nearly twice as old as the average age.

Only a crumbled pile of steel and concrete remained of the building from earlier that day. Pebbles of metal liquefied by the heavy beam lay scattered about the street. The stone was unnaturally smooth, its surface melted into a single layer. Sierra sat on the ground, propping himself up with a chunk of rubble, and Katrin followed suit. He took a long swig from the half-empty bottle before passing it to her. "Holding up?"

They'd never lost a pilot before. Of course.

"Good question." Katrin took a gulp of alcohol, wincing before she handed it back. Normally, you'd sip something like this. It was good stuff; too good for whatever style of drinking this was. Her grandmother would have scolded them for wasting it. "I'm... not sure."

"Hm."

Silence. There was an empty bay in the hangar now. What else could she say?

"I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I... I just don't really want to think about it."

"Starting tomorrow, won't have time to think about it. Best do it now. Were you friends?"

"With Holiday? Or, uh..." She paused. God, she couldn't even remember his real name. How many times had they spoken outside of their frames? What did his face look like? "...I don't know about friends. We watched each others' back. Just like you, or Morten. Comrades in arms. He deserved better, I guess. We could have had it handled if he hadn't charged in."

Katrin accepted the bottle and took another drink, swirling it in her mouth until she couldn't taste it anymore. Her hands were sore from gripping the controls so tightly earlier, she realized. She had been furious, but it hadn't been about getting even for Holiday. She'd just wanted to make them hurt. Punish someone for messing it all up, for making everything so much harder on them for no good reason.

"No... to be perfectly honest, boss, all I can think about is how because he charged in, we're down a skirmisher. My rifle's no good at close ranges, and Morten's frame is too heavy to move around like that. We'll have to adjust our tactics, take fewer risks. We might have to focus on convoys and patrols for a while, or maybe we can call in some favors with the Reclamation Corps. I don't know.

"It just feels wrong. I wish I was more upset that he was dead, rather than being upset about how him being dead screws us over." Another swig. "Instead, I'm a heartless bitch just crunching numbers."

Sierra's mirthless chuckle sounded like a wheezing old dog. "Make a good commander."

"I don't know if I can operate that way, boss. People don't like to listen to me."

"Nobody likes taking orders. Better if you don't like giving 'em either."

They passed the bottle back and forth a few times, shadows crossing the lantern's light. The din from the celebration in the park was barely a whisper out here.

"Ever tell you about the others?" Sierra asked. "Before you two signed on to Spectre."

All Katrin knew was that they were killed in action. "I never asked."

"Mountain range in Vremmel. Not much different from today. We were winning, down to one hostile, but our frames were nearly shot. Told 'em both to eject. Couldn't afford any more damage, figured the Royals'd ignore inactive targets. Took out the hostile, then checked the pods' signals."

Katrin recalled the Royalist escape pod that morning, trained in the center of her scope. "Ah."

"Not what you're thinking. That'd be easier." He took another drink, not passing the bottle. "Sven landed on a cliffside. Collapsed, fell a hundred fifty meters. Em's pod hit a river, flooded from snowmelt. Drowned in minutes.

"Traded two pilots for one and a half frames that day."

"I..." Katrin couldn't stop herself from running the calculations in her head. She knew how much a fully-equipped frame was worth, and conversely, how quickly even a fresh-faced pilot could learn the ins and outs. How ramshackle Spectre was when she and Morten signed on, less than half a year ago. She might have made the same trade, looking at charts and tables in a war room. "Fuck."

For a long time, neither spoke. It wasn't that she or Morten didn't have value to the team; they'd been through enough close calls where if either one was gone, they'd all be dead. But piloting a frame... it was barely any more difficult than driving any other vehicle. In some ways, it was even easier. And if they died, there were probably plenty of people lined up to join the already legendary Spectre Squad.

"So why are you telling me this?" Katrin asked, letting the anger seep into her voice. "Are you trying to scare me straight or something, say I can be replaced? That Holiday can be replaced?"

"Don't misunderstand." The older man's voice was quieter than she'd ever heard it, but firm. "Royalists don't care who they're fighting, as long as they're in control. From their perspective, we're vague, replaceable. But for soldiers like you, like Kjell... there's a difference. A difference between being expendable and being willing to give your life for the cause."

That was Holiday's name. Katrin let out a long breath, felt her energy leave with it. She was so tired. "Right now, it really doesn't feel like it."

"No. It doesn't."

She took one last sip of booze and passed him the nearly-drained bottle. "...Got any more?"

Lars regarded her with bemusement, considering the question, as he stood up to leave. He poured the final mouthful of whiskey onto the pavement - a libation for their fallen comrade - then hurled the bottle into the rubble, where it shattered among the building's scorched ruins.

"Be back by morning," he said.

"Yes, sir."

Theo stood at a dimly-lit workbench in his grandpa's mostly empty garage, rearranging the tools for a dozenth time and trying not to think about how badly he'd screwed up the conversation earlier. He was simply too mortified to go to bed even though it was nearly 4am.

He ran it back in his head for the thousandth time. He'd come on too strong, tried to butter up the lady pilot too much; no wonder she'd walked away at first opportunity. Obviously wouldn't just let any random civilian into the Reclamation Corps - let alone the Spectre Squad - but Theo didn't have any other choice. There was no way he'd be able to travel to their headquarters in Hedmark to enlist, not on his own. He'd lost his only chance.

I should have just asked her boss, Theo thought. Or sneaked onto their mobile base. It was too late now. According to the stories he'd heard, Spectre always left town within twelve hours. His window of opportunity was long gone.

The garage's florescent lights came on, blindingly bright. Theo winced as he covered his eyes. Squinting, he craned his neck to check the entrance, but immediately looked back at the table after seeing his grandfather.

"Oh, now you're here." The old man's voice was slightly slurred. Drunk again. "I thought I told you to stay home."

Grandpa always reminded Theo of a rusted-out muscle car; the kind people swore up and down was once the epitome of cool and classic, but had deteriorated to the point of merely being a grim reminder of yesteryear's excesses. He carried a bottle of cheap vodka in one hand and a crowded key ring in the other, and a pair of small binoculars hung around his neck.

"I... I told you I just wanted to see what kind of damage there was," Theo said. His eyes watered from the bright lights; he could barely maintain a squint. "I took a look around, helped fix some lights, then came straight home." He wasn't lying. Wasn't lying.

"You might have 'told' me, but that doesn't mean I gave you permission. You'd best remember that."

"Yes, Gra- sir."

The old man snorted dismissively. "Never mind. What matters is that you're here now. Help me start it up."

Theo blinked. His eyes were finally starting to adjust. "Start what up?"

"Bah, don't play dumb," Gramps said. He singled a key off the ring and retrieved a second lone one from his pocket. "I know you know about the basement."

"I... you told me to never go in there." All Theo knew about the faded, orange door in the corner was that it led down to a second level of the garage that Gramps used it for storage. It wasn't just a bomb shelter?

"So you obviously have. I'm old, but I'm not stupid, Theodore."

"I swear I haven't, grandpa."

The old man glared at him for a moment, key ring hovering beside the lock, then took a hefty swig from his bottle. "Can't believe my grandchild has no damn balls." He swung the door open so hard it slammed against the wall. "Get down here."

Dust particles floated across the scant beams of light from upstairs, disturbed by their descent. The stairwell went down nearly two stories by Theo's estimation, leading to a second door. It was spotted with corrosion and looked decades older than the ground level structure. Gramps fumbled with his secret key one-handed, grumbling swears to himself, before shoving the rest of the keys and his vodka into Theo's arms. "Hold this."

The old man finally yanked the door open with a grunt of effort. He nearly stumbled entering the unlit room beyond, but managed to make his way to a power switch. The lights glowed to life.

Theo's eyes widened. "Wha..."

It was practically an entire second garage, not just a storage area, with a giant ramp taking up the half the room. The entire ceiling - the ground of the above floor - was attached to rails where it could slide open. They only had a single shop crane upstairs, but there were three here to cover every possible angle. And folded up at the bottom of the ramp... the silhouette was unmistakable, even draped in tarps.

It was a frame. Gramps had a frame.

It looked like an old Elbrus model made for civilian use. Even for a clunker like this, it would take the entire combined garage for it to stand up. How long had this been here?

After snatching his bottle back and taking a swig, Gramps began pulling the tarps off, struggling with their sheer size. "Stop gawking and start opening the hatches." He gestured towards a control panel on the far side of the room. "I want this up and running in fifteen minutes."

Theo kept his eyes on the humanoid machine as he crossed the garage. Older frames tended bigger, before the tech started to become miniaturized. An Elbrus like this probably stood at around ten, maybe pushing eleven meters, and were mostly used for industrial purposes or large-scale agricultural clearing. It had only basic defensive modifications: a light composite shield on the left arm and a combat knife. At a frame scale, the blade was as large as an adult human.

"I never knew you owned a frame! What year is it from?"

"Didn't want any stupid kids taking it for a joyride. Hurry up."

With the press of a button and a horrific grinding sound, the ceiling rolled down onto a pair of tracks, allowing the ramp access to the ground level door. A second button opened that one as well.

The ramp had a freight platform in the center that could move back and forth to lift the frame up to the garage's entrance. It was a crude setup, probably retrofitted from the early days of civilian frame technology. Theo had seen pictures and videos of military hangars; those all had bays where the frames could dock upright for maintenance and immediately walk out when it was time to deploy. Here, it would have to stand from laying on its back, which was supposed to be a lot more difficult than it sounded.

Over the next quarter-hour, Gramps barked more orders and Theo obeyed, checking various hinges and pistons, making sure the elevator was in working order, safely disconnecting cables. The old man eventually settled himself in the cockpit, flipping switches and testing handles. Theo stood balanced on a maintenance rung beside it, taking in all of the controls and taking an opportunity to catch his breath. It was certainly more work than he thought he'd be doing in the early hours.

"Gramps, uh..." Deep breath. He'd probably never get another chance. "Is it okay if I try and pilot it for a little bit tomorrow? If it's just clearing away rubble, it shouldn't be too hard, right?"

"What?" The old man's expression was incredulous. "Obviously not. I don't care about any damn rubble, this happens tonight."

"Wha, then... why are w-"

His voice grew louder, erratic. "I know you went out! You saw the terrorists practically at our doorstep!" He waved the binoculars hanging from his neck, nearly snapping the cord. "I kept watch myself! They're all asleep now. They think they've won the day, but they aren't welcome here. This is the only way to teach them a real lesson, Theodore."

Theo's blood ran cold, his balance wobbled. Spectre Squad was still here? But... they always left town immediately. That's what the stories said. "Wait, wait... you're serious?"

"No waiting!" The old man drained the final drops from his bottle and hurled it out of the cockpit, only just missing Theo's head. "I won't lose our only chance. Get down, I'm starting the lift." Gramps pressed a button and the frame's hatch swung closed. A moment later, the lift rumbled to life, sliding up the ramp with the horrific grinding noise of unmaintained machinery.

Theo hopped off the rail and stumbled to the garage floor. His shoulder slammed into the concrete, a bruise immediately blossoming across his upper arm. Any higher up and he might have broken something. His vision blurred, half from the pain and half from realizing that his grandfather was going to kill someone.

The lift reached ground level with a heavy kachunk, the sound echoing through the now-empty garage. And slowly, deliberately, the frame began to move, like a person stepping off a low bed.

Theo ran for the stairs, taking them two at a time, pushing away the pain coursing through his left arm. By the time he reached the top and made it outside, the frame was standing to its full height.

He'd seen frames before. One-to-one cockpit combat simulators at city conventions. Videos, footage taken from person height. He'd seen patrols a kilometer or two out, or seen them loaded onto a semi truck. Even the battle from earlier he'd been able to glimpse from afar. This was different. The ground trembled as it moved, each step an earthquake. Theo felt like a mouse standing beside a man. What was a mere human worth compared to something like this?

Another quaking step caused him to nearly lose his balance. Theo's heart pounded as if it was trying to tear itself apart. Bitter, salty bile rose in his mouth. It felt like he was breathing through a soaked cloth. Gramps was going to kill someone and then they were going to kill him. That was that.

Time slowed. There had to be something. Something he could do.

Their old pickup truck was parked on the street, like always. Theo still had the keys. If... if Spectre Squad really was still here, their mobile base in the same spot... he could off-road through the outside of town. It'd be faster, if he didn't crash headlong into a tree. It was the only way.

Please, please, please, Theo thought as he slammed his foot on the gas, barreling into the woods. Please help.

Driving at truly unsafe speeds through the backwoods, Theodore reached Spectre Squad's mobile base in a few minutes, but it felt like hours had passed. Gramps' Elbrus could be anywhere from several minutes to mere seconds away, depending on how powerful its reactor and thrusters were. That was information he simply didn't have.

Miraculously, the hangar was open, a shallow ramp folding out for the frames to deploy. It was big enough to allow them to stand at full height; the garage seemed pitiful in comparison. A group of five or six people stood in a semicircle surrounding another, like he was giving some kind of speech. They scattered as the truck approached, shouting and pointing.

Theo slammed on the brakes, barely managing to avoid splattering someone on the windshield, and scrambled out of the truck without bothering to turn off the engine. A man came towards him to investigate. "Please," he said, barely able to form words. "There's... there's a frame..."

"Yeah there is, man!" The man looked like he was in his late 20s. His hair was buzzed into a fade, and both hands were in the pockets of his pilot's jacket. "Holy shit, you almost ran me over." The man's face broke into a wide grin and he stomped the ground in exuberance. "If you're that desperate, you can go first, it's fine. Holy shit, dude."

"Wha? No, I... what are you talking about?" Theo gestured vaguely towards town. There wasn't time. "There's a-"

"Look it's okay, it's cool, we're cool..." The man grabbed Theo's wrist and dragged him towards the hangar, craning his neck to address the gathering. "HEY BUT IS EVERYBODY OKAY THOUGH?" Several voices answered over each other, some in affirmative and others in protest, but the pilot was already halfway up the ramp with Theo along for the ride.

There were four frames inside the base's hangar, each surrounded by various scaffolds and elevators for maintenance and repair. One of them looked stripped down; much of its internal wiring and components were exposed, and it was missing a right arm entirely. The pilot waved to a heavy man in the hangar who was doing some kind of work at a diagnostics console at the foot of a blue frame. "Let's do it, Gibbous Joe!"

"Morten," - was that the pilot's name? - "I ain't about to let you pilot a frame while drunk off your ass. I've got enough work as it is."

"I told ya man, I won't do any driving, swear on my life, I'm not that stupid man, and even if I was and I ain't saying I am, it wouldn't be the first time necess...necessessarily," Morten said, his hand waving dismissively back and forth. "Jus' supervisin'. Guy here'll just take a peek around the cockpit, weapons n' everything turned off, done this like a hundred times, you know, showing off for the locals, it's fine it's fine..."

The mechanic let out a deep, exhausted sigh, glanced at his clipboard, looked Theo up and down. "You ain't drunk, right?"

"What? I mean, no, but liste-"

"Good. Just hurry it up, alright?"

"Awesome, thanks Joe!" Morten yanked Theo onto a miniature elevator platform that promptly rose up to chest height on the frame. The word Whistle was painted on the left-hand side with a stylized logo of one hanging on a chain.

The mechanic below activated something on the console, prompting the chest armor hatch to fold open to reveal the cockpit. It was more modern than the Elbrus; the monitors were much bigger, and there were more of them to cover all angles. The seat looked like it had actual padding. Several pieces looked like they were new additions, including an odd spherical display in front of the seat that Theo had never seen before.

A smaller, detachable chair was also attached to the main seat, and Morten promptly sat in it, finally letting go of Theo's arm while he strapped in. "Let's get to it man, got a lot of people lining up out there, you know?"

Theo's mouth hung open. He recognized the other man now; he'd been grandstanding at the party earlier that night. "I... you... are you seriously a pilot?"

Morten blinked, as if he didn't understand the intent of the question, then looked around at the cockpit's interior. "Yeah, you know, s'usually not me in the love seat here," he said. "Kinda weird."

"No, that's not-" Theo sputtered, barely grasping the situation. He'd barely been here a few minutes. Spectre Squad just let random people in their frames? There was no way they knew what was happening, right? "I mean, I need your help!"

"Oh uhhhhh God I'm too drunk for this... well compared to your average sim, this trigger here is for the weapon" -he made finger guns at Theo- "and this button is for the boost- ogghhhhhh..." Morten leaned back, exhaling deeply. "My head, just a sec..."

The entire cockpit smelled like booze now. Theo immediately made two decisions: first, that if this was how all drunk people acted, he was never going to drink alcohol again in his life; second, there was only one way he could deal with the situation. He gripped the sticks even tighter in a futile attempt to stop his hands from trembling.

"How do you start it up?" Theo asked.

"Uh, there, it's that leve- wait, WAIT-"

Theo yanked the lever back. The cockpit's hatch automatically closed. The frame rumbled to life, electronics activating in a wave forward through the machine. Monitors ran through lines of basic diagnostic data before flickering to life. It wasn't a true 360 degree view, but Theo was struck by how much vision he had. It was like he was in a glass canopy rather than a giant armored torso.

"Hey what the fuck dude, shut it off!" Morten started to reach for the lever, but paused. A bright red light blinked on the far edge of the strange spherical display. There was only one thing that could be. "Oh shit."

"That's what I've been trying to say the whole time!"

"Okay, okay, uh..." Morten's face contorted in what passed for deep concentration in someone who could barely speak a complete sentence. The light moved closer. The monitor was building out some kind of three-dimensional wire-frame form of the environment, including the humanoid shape of the approaching blip.

"Dammit!" Morten shoved his arm behind the seat and pulled out a headset. He flipped it on and practically shouted into the mic, "Enemy spotted, I ain't fucking kidding, release the restraints!" The scaffolds around the frame swung open, metal grinding on metal, and Morten grasped Theo's shoulder tight enough that it hurt. "You're gonna do exactly what I say an' nothin' else."

"O-okay."

"You got maybe thirty seconds, walk us out."

"I-I've never-"

"Twenty-five! Ain't different from a sim, hurry the fuck up!"

Theo held his breath and pressed on the pedals, turned the handles. The frame stepped forward with unsettling ease. The algorithmic code and arrays of articulation that allowed humanoid frames were truly incredible; piloting one was far easier than operating a jet or a tank. Another few twists and presses, and he was already stepping out of the base's hangar.

"Take cover behind that building at two-o'-clo- uhh, the right. M'unit's slow as shit, use the boosters."

That was... this button? Theo started the frame in that direction and pressed it. He grunted as the momentum crushed him backward into the chair, punching the air out of his lungs. The frame crashed into the corner of the building. His head whipped forward, and he accidentally stepped on the pedals; the frame took an awkward half-step shuffle forward, scattering debris over the street.

"Caref-" Morten began, but he vomited. Bile splashed onto the right-side monitors, the stench filling the cockpit in an instant. "Fuc-" Again.

The red blip on the monitor was getting closer, moving faster. Eyes stinging from the fumes, Theo flicked between the sphere and the forward monitors. They weren't quite in sync; the monitor was several seconds ahead somehow. It showed the frame as exposed in firing range, but there was nothing on the cameras. "What now?!"

Morten croaked out the words between heavy breaths. "Open fire!"

"With what?!"

The pilot craned to look at the status panel and let out a defeated, sickened groan. "You didn't take the vulcan, are you fucking stupi- hurrrk." He turned away, heaving. Theo skimmed the panel; the only weapon was a basic sidearm, still holstered.

He glanced up. There was no mistaking it. His grandfather's Elbrus was dashing down the road towards them, shield ready. The crosshair was already focused on it. On the sphere, it was already two-thirds of the way there. There were at most ten seconds before the two frames would be in melee range.

Yelling, Theo pulled the left-hand trigger. In a single smooth motion, the frame automatically drew the pistol and opened fire. Half a dozen bullets the size of his fist slammed into the Elbrus' shield. It barely slowed down.

He kept futilely shooting. The gun's sound and recoil were suppressed internally, but even the weakened vibrations made Theo's bruised arm throb in pain. On the sphere monitor, the Elbrus rammed into them and thrust its knife through their cockpit.

"BACK UP!"

Theo shifted his weight on the pedals. The blade on the monitor, held horizontally to maximize the chance of striking the pilot, rushed towards them. He felt the cockpit lurch backwards, but no it was too slow, the knife shattered through the glass, he shut his eyes involuntarily, screaming-

He pressed the booster. The frame shot thirty meters backwards in a quarter of a second, nearly tossing Theo out of the seat. This time, he vomited, half from the smell and half from the burst of momentum. His entire body seized, physically unable to keep hands on the controls. That was it. They were dead.

One. Two. Three seconds of silence.

Whimpering, Theo opened his eyes. The front outer monitor was blank, showing only a flat block of gray with an error message; the camera had been destroyed. Bile coated the panels in front of him - including the odd prediction sphere - but even through that he could see the red blip, unmoving from where they'd nearly collided. Whatever had happened, they were no longer in danger.

It took a moment to crouch the frame lower to the ground and find the lever that worked the cockpit hatch. It craned open, letting in a welcome blast of fresh, cold air. He hadn't realized how sweltering it was inside, partly due to the overwhelming emetic odor; he was soaked with sweat. Morten shoved past him and fell to his knees for another bout of heaving, though at least this time it was going outside. Theo stepped around him on shaking, unsteady legs and nearly stumbled as he lowered himself to solid ground from the lower hatch.

The Elbrus lay slumped face-down, mostly obscured by its shield. The low rumble of its reactor was still audible, and it didn't look very damaged. It was almost like it had simply fallen over. Theo circled around to get a better look, maintaining his distance, until he saw it. His legs gave out, a sort of high-pitched whine involuntarily leaving his throat. His grandfather's frame did fall over, onto its weapon. The knife had gone straight into the cockpit. Streaks of blood leaked out of the thin gap between the weapon and the frame, drawing a dozen thin lines along its blade.

Theo turned away, closing his eyes. He didn't open them again until the truck rolled up behind him.

It was mid-morning by the time they got the whole story and finished cleaning up the aftermath of the second battle. Lars poured himself a fourth cup of tepid coffee and sat back down across the table from Theodore in the mobile base's paltry mess hall. The kid's debriefing was almost over, but that just meant they'd reached the difficult part.

"We're taking the frame. No 'buts'." Elbrus parts were outdated, but reliable.and sturdy. Properly assembled, Gibbous Joe could get a fourth unit up and running at nearly full capacity.

"...okay." He looked completely drained, like a puppet with cut strings. But Lars had seen that look before. Seen people bounce back, too.

Lars held up a pair of fingers. "Got two choices. Not leaving this room until you pick. Understand?"

Theodore nodded.

"First: we leave, you stay. Like usual. Second..." He hesitated. Sometimes the worst possible timing was also the only possible timing. "Second: you're with us. Pilot in Spectre Squad."

The kid's jaw dropped. "...What? Why?"

"Real snafu this morning, but you handled yourself well."

"Like hell I did! I screwed up every shot, puked in the cockpit, and got my grandpa killed!" He slammed both fists on the table. "And now you're telling me to do it all again? You can't be serious!"

Lars took a sip of coffee. Terrible. "Also saved my pilot's life."

Theodore paused, but scoffed. "He would've done fine without me."

"He'd be dead plus half my crew." And it would have been Lars' responsibility, giving the pilots free rein to get plastered last night; simple as. Another short-sighted blunder from the senile old man.

"...Whatever." Theodore slouched back into his chair, sulking.

Damn children. The fact that Theodore hadn't just walked out already was proof enough that deep down he was at least considering it. Lars didn't have the time nor inclination to convince the kid one way or another. He folded his fingers on the tabletop, squeezing them white. "Fine. Want a 'real' reason? Lost one yesterday. No time for a funeral and not enough left of him anyway." Theodore's eyes flicked up, widening as Lars continued. "Now we're short staffed on deadline. Take anyone I can get. Right now, that's you. Think you can't, or won't, then go. No shame in it. 'S hard living. No guarantees, no stability. But... that or the Royalists? Know my choice."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Lars drinking his coffee and Theodore staring at the table, brow furrowed in thought. He only spoke up as Lars finished off the last mouthful. "I-I'll do it. I'll join."

"Mm." Lars stretched his shoulders as he stood and turned to leave. One problem solved, then. "Get your things. We leave at noon."

"Yes, sir!"

One problem solved, but there were always dozens more, a hundred things to worry about, new and old. They didn't have enough weapons, their frames were barely holding together, the neighboring prefecture was too big for a team this small to cover. The Reclamation Corps was exhausted, while it felt like the Royalists had unlimited resources.

Whatever happened today wasn't a victory, not by a long shot. But for now, it was enough.

#writing #games #mecha

A Misguided Attempt at Rogue Trader (CRPG Version) Officer Class in 5e

2024-11-13T23:27:34.844Z

In my Rogue Trader post I mentioned doing some thinking on how the Grand Strategist archetype might be adapted to DnD 5e. I've only ever done homebrew subclasses before and I don't believe they were terribly good, I don't expect this to be terribly good (frankly, it's kind of just Shitty Battle Master Fighter), but it's some kind of mental exercise that'll take my mind off reality for a bit, and ain't that all we're asking for these days?

Also I'm doing it in the 5e style, not the 5.5e / OneDnd style. I'm stuck in my ways.

(And I mean, look, I'm sick of DnD, you're sick of DnD, we all should just Play A Different Fucking Game, but sometimes you just can't fight the brain worms that make you spend an entire day's mental energy on something dumb like this)

The Officer

Level	Proficiency	Features	Tactical Die
1	+2	Tactical Area	d4
2	+2	Stratagems, Tactical Wit	d4
3	+2	Tactical Specialization	d4
4	+2	Ability Score Improvement	d4
5	+3	Logistical Superiority	d6
6	+3	Tactical Specialization Feature	d6
7	+3	Iron Discipline	d6
8	+3	Ability Score Improvement	d6
9	+4	Art of War	d6
10	+4	Tactical Specialization Feature	d6
11	+4	Additional Stratagems	d8
12	+4	Ability Score Improvement	d8
13	+5	Improved Tactical Area	d8
14	+5	Personal Involvement	d8
15	+5	Tactical Specialization Feature	d8
16	+5	Ability Score Improvement	d8
17	+6	Steel Resolve	d10
18	+6	Misdirection	d10
19	+6	Ability Score Improvement	d10
20	+6	Finest Hour	d10

Hit Dice: 1d6
Hit Points at 1st Level: 6 + your Constitution modifier
Hit Points at Higher Levels: 1d6 (or 4) + your Constitution modifier per Officer level after 1st

Proficiencies
Armor	light armor, medium armor
Weapons	simple weapons, martial weapons
Tools	none
Saving Throws	Intelligence, Constitution
Skills	Choose 2 from Sleight of Hand, History, Investigation, Insight, Perception, Deception, Persuasion

Starting Equipment
You start with the following items, plus anything provided by your background.

(a) chain mail or (b) leather armor, longbow, and 20 arrows
(a) a martial weapon or (b) two simple weapons
(a) a light crossbow and 20 bolts or (b) two handaxes
(a) a scholar's pack or (b) a diplomat's pack

Alternatively, you may start with 6d4 × 10 gp to buy your own equipment.

Multiclassing
Ability Score Minimum: Intelligence 13

When you gain a level in a class other than your first, you gain only some of that class's starting proficiencies.
Armor: light armor, medium armor
Weapons: simple weapons, martial weapons

Tactical Dice:
Your tactical decisions are fueled by special dice called tactical dice. These dice start as d4s and change as you gain Officer levels.

1st Level

Tactical Area
On your turn, you can use your action to tactically analyze the battlefield.
Select a 20-foot cube within 100 feet of you to serve as your Tactical Area for the next 10 minutes. If you have already declared a Tactical Area, you can use a bonus action to move it to another location within 100 feet of you that does not overlap with its previous location without expending a use.
You can use this feature twice. You regain expended uses when you finish a short or long rest.

If a creature within your Tactical Area takes damage, you can use your reaction to increase or reduce the damage by a number equal to your Intelligence modifier. You can use this feature a number of times equal to your Intelligence modifier. You regain expended uses when you finish a short or long rest.

2nd Level

Strategems
Starting at 2nd level, your study of tactics allows you to affect the flow of battle in multiple ways. This is represented by a number of tactical dice. You have four tactical dice, which start as d4s and change as you gain Officer levels. A tactical die is expended when you use it. You regain all of your expended tactical dice when you finish a short or long rest.

Back in the Fight. As an action, you can expend a tactical die to rally your allies. Choose a friendly creature that can see or hear you. They gain temporary hit points equal to the number you roll on your tactical die.
Break their Ranks. As an action, you can expend a tactical die to direct your allies' attacks. Choose a friendly creature who can see or hear you. That creature can immediately use its reaction to make one weapon attack, adding the tactical die to the attack's damage roll.
Get Moving. As an action, you can expend a tactical die to hurry your allies. Choose a friendly creature that can see or hear you. That creature can use its reaction to move up to half its speed. If they start that movement within your Tactical Area, they can move up to their full speed.

Tactical Wit

Starting at 2nd level, your keen ability to assess tactical situations allows you to act quickly in battle. You can give yourself a bonus to your initiative rolls equal to your Intelligence modifier.

3rd Level

At 3rd level, you choose a tactical specialization from the list of available specializations.

Vanguard

You lead from the front, serving as a beacon for your allies.

Bonus Proficiency.
You gain proficiency with heavy armor and shields.

Fighting Style.
At 3rd level, you adopt a style of fighting as your specialty. Choose one of the following options. You can't take a Fighting Style option more than once, even if something in the game lets you choose again.

Defense. While you are wearing armor, you gain a +1 bonus to AC.
Interception. When a creature you can see hits a target, other than you, within 5 feet of you with an attack, you can use your reaction to reduce the damage the target takes by 1d10 + your proficiency bonus (to a minimum of 0 damage). You must be wielding a shield or a simple or martial weapon to use this reaction.
Protection. When a creature you can see attacks a target other than you that is within 5 feet of you, you can use your reaction to impose disadvantage on the attack roll. You must be wielding a shield.

Unyielding Beacon.
When you use your Tactical Area, you can choose to center it around yourself rather than declaring an area. If you do so, it has a 10-foot radius that moves with you, remaining centered on you. You also gain 5 temporary hit points for each level you have in Officer. While this feature is active, you gain the following benefits:

When you attack with a weapon, you can add your Intelligence modifier, instead of Strength or Dexterity, to the attack and damage rolls.
Creatures provoke an opportunity attack from you when they move 5 feet or more while within your reach.
If you gain temporary hit points from another source, you can add them to your total instead of choosing which source to keep.

These benefits last for 10 minutes, until you lose all these temporary hit points, or until you use your Tactical Area again.

Master Tactician

You become capable of even more meticulous tactical maneuvers.

Additional Stratagems.

Seize the Initiative. As an action, you can expend a tactical die to affect the flow of battle. Choose a friendly creature that can see or hear you. That creature can increase or decrease its initiative by a number up to the number rolled on the tactical die.
Focus. As an action, you can expend a tactical die to direct your allies to fight more effectively. Choose a friendly creature that can see or hear you. That creature can add the tactical die to the next skill check or attack roll it makes before the end of your next turn.
Tactical Knowledge. When you make an Intelligence, Wisdom, or Charisma check, you can expend one tactical die and add the tactical die to the ability check.

Grand Strategist

You keep the entire battlefield in mind.

Bonus Proficiency.
You gain proficiency in two skills of your choice.

Improved Tactical Area.
You can declare your Tactical Area as a bonus action.

Strategic Planning.
When you declare your Tactical Area, you can choose an additional strategic benefit it confers. Only one benefit can be active at a time, and you can change it when moving your Tactical Area.

Frontline. Friendly creatures in the Frontline have a +1 bonus to AC.
Backline. Friendly creatures in the Backline have advantage on Dexterity saving throws and can stand from prone without spending movement.
Rear. When a friendly creature in the Rear is hit by a ranged weapon attack, they can use their reaction to reduce damage from the attack by an amount equal to your tactical die.

4th Level

When you reach 4th level, you can increase one ability score of your choice by 2, or you can increase two ability scores of your choice by 1. As normal, you can't increase an ability score above 20 using this feature.

If your DM allows the use of feats, you may instead take a feat.

5th Level

Improved Tactical Dice.
Your tactical die changes to a d6.

Logistical Superiority.
If the target of one of your Strategems is within your Tactical Area, you can add your Intelligence modifier to the tactical die.

6th Level

At 6th level, you gain a feature from your tactical specialization.

Vanguard

Extra Attack. Starting at 6th level, you can attack twice, instead of once, whenever you take the Attack action on your turn. Moreover, you can use one of your Strategems in place of one of those attacks.

Master Tactician

Bonus Tactical Die. You gain an additional tactical die.

Grand Strategist

Opening Strategy. When you roll initiative, you can declare your Tactical Area and use one Strategem as a free action.

7th Level

Additional Tactical Die. You gain another tactical die at 7th level.

Iron Discipline. At 7th level, your knowledge of battle has improved to the extent that you cannot be surprised.

8th Level

When you reach 8th level, you can increase one ability score of your choice by 2, or you can increase two ability scores of your choice by 1. As normal, you can't increase an ability score above 20 using this feature.

If your DM allows the use of feats, you may instead take a feat.

9th Level

Art of War. Starting at 9th level, if you spend at least 1 minute observing or interacting with another creature outside combat, you can learn certain information about its capabilities compared to your own. The DM tells you if the creature is your equal, superior, or inferior in regard to two of the following characteristics of your choice:

Any ability score
Speed
Armor Class
Current hit points
At the DM's option, you might also realize you know a piece of the creature's history in battle or one of its possible Actions.

10th Level

At 10th level, you gain a feature from your tactical specialization.

Vanguard

Resilient Beacon. While using your Unyielding Beacon feature, you gain a +2 bonus to your AC and you can't be blinded, deafened, frightened, or charmed.

Master Tactician

Ally Coordination. You can use any Stratagem that requires an action as a bonus action instead.

Grand Strategist

Improved Tactical Area. When you declare a Tactical Area, you can choose two separate areas that both function as your Tactical Area. You can designate them as different strategic areas. When moving your Tactical Area, you can only move one at a time.

11th Level

Improved Tactical Dice.
Your tactical die changes to a d8.

Additional Stratagems.

Against All Odds. When a friendly creature that can see or hear you makes an attack roll, you can use a reaction to expend a tactical die and add it to the roll. You can use this stratagem before or after making the attack roll, but before any effects of the attack are applied.
Entrench. As an action, you can expend a tactical die to order an ally to defend themselves. Choose a friendly creature that can see or hear you. Until the end of your next turn, the next attack roll made against that creature until the start of your next turn has a penalty equal to the tactical die, and that creature's next Strength, Dexterity, or Constitution saving throw has a bonus equal to the tactical die.
Form Up. As an action, you can expend a tactical die to order your allies to enter formation. Any friendly creature that can see or hear you can use its reaction to move up to its speed towards your Tactical Area without provoking opportunity attacks.

12th Level

When you reach 12th level, you can increase one ability score of your choice by 2, or you can increase two ability scores of your choice by 1. As normal, you can't increase an ability score above 20 using this feature.

If your DM allows the use of feats, you may instead take a feat.

13th Level

Improved Tactical Area.
Your Tactical Area increases size to a 25-foot cube.

14th Level

Personal Involvement.
When you use a Stratagem on a friendly creature in your Tactical Area, you can additionally target yourself, if applicable.

15th Level

At 15th level, you gain a feature from your tactical specialization.

Vanguard

Indomitable Beacon. Your Unyielding Beacon feature expands to a 20-foot radius. While it is active, you have resistance to bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage from nonmagical attacks, and any critical hit against you counts as a normal hit instead, unless you're incapacitated.

Master Tactician

Tactical Advantage. When you roll initiative and have no tactical dice remaining, you regain 1 tactical die.

Grand Strategist

Improved Strategic Planning. Your Tactical Area gains additional benefits.

Frontline. Friendly creatures in the Frontline have a +2 bonus to AC and hostile creatures have a -2 penalty to AC.
Backline. Friendly creatures in the Backline have advantage on Dexterity saving throws, can stand from prone without spending movement, and have a +2 bonus to AC. The Backline is considered difficult terrain for hostile creatures.
Rear. When a friendly creature in the Rear is hit by a ranged weapon attack, they can use their reaction to reduce damage from the attack by an amount equal to your tactical die. Any critical hit against them counts as a normal hit instead, unless they're incapacitated. If a friendly creature ends their turn in the Rear, they gain temporary hit points equal to your Intelligence modifier.

16th Level

When you reach 16th level, you can increase one ability score of your choice by 2, or you can increase two ability scores of your choice by 1. As normal, you can't increase an ability score above 20 using this feature.

If your DM allows the use of feats, you may instead take a feat.

17th Level

Improved Tactical Dice.
Your tactical die changes to a d10.

Steel Resolve.
You gain proficiency in Wisdom and Charisma saving throws.

18th Level

Additional Tactical Die. You gain another tactical die at 18th level.

Misdirection. When a creature in your Tactical Area misses an attack, you can use your reaction to cause that attack to hit a creature of your choice within your Tactical Area. They must be a valid target.

19th Level

When you reach 19th level, you can increase one ability score of your choice by 2, or you can increase two ability scores of your choice by 1. As normal, you can't increase an ability score above 20 using this feature.

If your DM allows the use of feats, you may instead take a feat.

20th Level

Finest Hour. You can direct your allies to perform feats that seem to defy reality.

You can use your action to choose a friendly creature that can see or hear you. That creature can immediately take a free turn outside of the normal initiative order. During that turn, the target has advantage on attack rolls, ability checks, and saving throws. Additionally, other creatures have disadvantage on attack rolls against the target until the start of your next turn.

Once you use this feature, you can't use it again until you finish a long rest.

#rpg #ttrpg

LP 7SU Intro Post & Table of Contents

2026-03-19T16:24:11.502Z

Start: 1 - Prologue
End: 69 - GOOD END
Postmortem: 69.5 - The Memories of That Blood ~end of The LP~ (Postmortem)

This Let's Play began in February 2024 and was originally on the defunct social media website Cohost.org (rest in peace). I'm slowly reconstructing it here because 90% of the images were hosted on Cohost and will become dead links shortly; at present all of the links and images still point there. This is an ongoing effort. It ended in March 2026.

What is JoJo's Bizarre Adventure?

It's a long-running (since 1987, so before the Berlin Wall came down) manga by Hirohiko Araki, first serialized in Weekly Shonen Jump - the magazine that brought you Barefoot Gen, Mazinger Z, Space Adventure Cobra, and some other shit I guess - and eventually in Ultra Jump, the same company's monthly version aimed at older audiences.

Rather than following the same plot and characters for 35+ years, JJBA is broken up into distinct parts which each have their own casts and core conflicts. There is continuity between them - usually old characters reappearing in more secondary roles - but each part can be taken as mostly standalone, following a different "JoJo" on a different "Bizarre Adventure". As of this writing, the manga is in Part 9, aka The JOJOLands.

The most famous and iconic arc is Part 3, Heritage for the Future, better known these days as Stardust Crusaders. It ran from 1989 to 1992 and introduced the concept of "Stands" (read: bespoke special abilities), changing the landscape of the battle shonen genre forever. The tail end of Part 3 got a 6-episode anime OVA adaptation in the mid-90s, followed by a much worse 7-episode prequel in the 00s that tries to cover entirely too much ground. It didn't get a full anime until 2014, as part of David Production's decade-long project adapting Parts 1 through 6.

The cover of May 1, 1989's Weekly Jump, featuring Jotaro and Joseph

What is The 7th Stand User?

JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: The 7th Stand User is a fangame made by Clayman. You play through the story of JoJo Part 3 as the eponymous 7th party member: an original character with their own original Stand who's just part of the gang. If this sounds like some fanfic-y bullshit, that's because it kinda is. That said, the game is clearly a labor of love and in my opinion taps into the right kind of JoJo style bullshit... when it isn't word-for-word retreading Part 3.

The game expects you to be familiar with the entire JoJo series - especially Part 3, for obvious reasons - and I'll point out other references where/if I deem necessary, but there shouldn't be anything too egregious. If you're really worried, read the manga or watch the anime, it's all out there.

Gameplay wise, 7SU is made in RPG Maker 2000 and aesthetically patterned off The Final Fantasy Legend - aka Makai Toushi SaGa, the first SaGa game and the first Square game to sell over a million copies - for the Game Boy. This means it's a good 'ol monochrome, grid-map, turn-based JRPG. I originally played the monochrome version, but for this series I'll be playing the "R" patch for the first time, which includes a number of quality of life features such as color(!), removal of certain tedious random elements, and more lenient requirements for NG+.

(Japanese cover art of Makai Toshi SaGa, aka The Final Fantasy Adventure)

What is with this Let's Play?

Everyone already knows the video venerables like Chip and Ironicus, but I've always had a soft spot for the screenshot LPs from the old days (well, 10-15 year old internet "humor" aside). The Dark Id probably singlehandedly spread the gospel of Yoko Taro in the early 2010s, Orange Fluffy Sheep shattered mechanics over his knee, and Didja Redo's script rewrites were a remarkable fusion of comedy and drama. It always made way more sense to me than video as a format for RPGs, which generally necessitate a ton of reading or menu-ing that isn't necessarily exciting to watch.

Does that make it a particularly good format? Maybe not (especially in cohost's - or a phone's - narrower post window), but this is my tribute to those I've enjoyed, as well as a harsh lesson to myself about how much tedious work it takes to filter through and format all those images.

The plan, for now, is to do multiple playthroughs of The 7th Stand User using a different Stand each time, allowing me to showcase the game's surprising layers of minutiae and hidden elements despite its slavish adherence to the source material. Something I also always liked about screenshot LPs was reader participation, and there's a decent amount of wiggle room in this game.

Update: Polls are now closed, the 7th Stand User is...

(Art by the incredible RoseNonsense)

Cascada, aka "The Machine"

Stand: 『Quicksilver』

(Long-Range Special-Type)
This Stand appears as a cannon on the user's arm. It can convert minerals into Stand power and blast it at its foes, like a battery that uses metal as fuel. It can be detached if necessary. As far as Stands go, its pure destructive capability is top of the line.

	Attributes
Power: A	Speed: E	Range: A
Precision: C	Durability: C	Potential: B

Tarot Assassins Arc

Nine Egyptian Gods Arc

Chapter 18 - "The Fool" Iggy and "Geb" N'Doul

28 - Back At It at the Fertile Crescent
28.5 - Behind the Curtain
29 - It's Rough and Gets Everywhere
30 - Walking the Dog
31 - Ruined Forever

Chapter 19 - Anubis

32 - Bar Fight
33 - The 2nd Runner

Chapter 20 - "Bastet" Mariah

34 - Shopping Trip
35 - WHERE ARE THE MAGNETS

Chapter 21 - "Sethan" Alessi

36 - Somehow Not Even the Creepiest Arc in JoJo

Chapter 22 - D'Arby the Gambler

37 - Cairo Hold 'Em
38 - A Brief Interlude

Chapter 23 - The Gatekeeper of Hell, Pet Shop

39 - Can't Say I Have
40 - Release the Hound
41 - Reruns

Chapter 24 - D'Arby the Player

42 - Gaming to me is a religion, and F-MEGA is the shit

Chapter 25 - Dio's World

43 - ZA WARUDO, Part 1 - Mixed Metaphors
44 - ZA WARUDO, Part 2 - Played College Ball, Ya Know
45 - ZA WARUDO, Part 3 - Clockstoppers
46 - ZA WARUDO, Part 4 - Mudah.SFW
47 - ZA WARUDO, Part 5 - How It Really Happened
48 - Dev Room

New Game Plus

49 - New Game Plus
50 - Here We Go Again
51 - Kowloon Bizarre Adventures
52 - Calm Seas
53 - Devils, Trains, Devil Trains
54 - Serenely Skedaddling

Submarine Route

55 - Shallow Grave
56 - Submarine Route
57 - Stands Killed the Radio Star
58 - Biohazard But Worse
59 - Oil-lamping is the New Gaslighting

NG+ Egypt Arc

60 - Master of Seduction
61 - Aswan, Astwo, AsGeb, As'Dour
62 - Oingo M.D.
63 - Luxory Goods
64 - Horsin' Around
65 - Cheating a Dragon
66 - Ice and Fire
67 - Let Me Solo Her

The End

68 - Quick, JoJo, the FLIT!
69 - GOOD END
69.5 - The Memories of That Blood ~end of The LP~ (Postmortem)

#anime #lp-7su #games #rpg

9 - Harboring Doubts

2026-03-20T14:34:24.337Z

Originally posted April 19, 2024

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

After setting a Frenchman on fire and bloodletting him afterwards, Cascada and friends head to Hong Kong harbor to charter a ship that won't put innocent lives at risk when Dio's minions inevitably attack.

Polnareff is sitting pensively here, and can't join us this time. Nursing his pride, I imagine.

There's a new Pink Dark Boy on the shelf.

PDB:

There exists an item in this world called a Badge of Honor. This badge is proof of your experience as a gamer. Use it, and it can have all kinds of helpful effects. However, if you save them up for the end of the game, you might be able to unlock some special extras... the choice is yours.

If you aren't some kind of F-Mega savant, this is the first zone where you can get a Badge of Honor. We'll circle back around to this later.

The Harbor's a relatively small map, donut shaped around a central market building. The Inn here is in the southeast (bottom right) corner.

look game you gotta leave me some stuff to explain okay

We worked up one hell of an appetite alternating between shooting lightning at Polnareff and dousing our entire body in healing ointment. Time to hit the restaurant.

Cascada: Hey Steel, what should I order?
Steel: So you've finally reached the harbor. Now you can properly begin your journey to Cairo. But traveling by sea means there are few opportunities to stock up on supplies. I'd take this chance to buy anything you think you might need later. Why don't you bring a friend?
Cascada: ...not what I asked?
Steel: PRERECORDED MESSAGE

Puff-puff pastry not on the menu then, I guess.

There used to be a restaurant near where I grew up that was carhop themed. All the waitresses (and there were only waitresses) moved around on roller skates and wore really short, frilly skirts. I hadn't hit puberty yet so I was more interested in the waiting table that had Pac-Man built into it.

Will do, Student.

The menu is a bit bizarre. Espresso and dry curry? Paella in Hong Kong??

This is most likely referring to Japanese-style dry curry, which is basically a stir-fry with curry powder served over rice. When I see "dry curry" though, my mind goes straight to rendang.

Jotaro's sitting over on the left there, probably crushing a plate of curry. Think he gets super spicy curry or the like, honey-and-apples sweet curry?

Jotaro: ...Cascada. What's up?
Cascada: You read Jump before we left? Just thinkin' about how crazy it is that Piccolo's going to train Gohan...

Jotaro: ...What a pain.
Cascada: It's okay, you can finish your lunch first.
Jotaro: -double fisting spoons- ORAORAORAORA

Starting from the Harbor, we can hang out with the rest of the squad! We can only walk with one at a time, unfortunately.

I switch Cascada back to Flee. Defense Mode has served its purpose for now.

Green Hornet encounters are still scattered about. So are Burns, though now they come in packs of three instead of solo.

Hey, we're looking for a charter ship! Weird coincidence!

I hate these guys. They're a huge jump up in danger from the Martial Artists, presumably to offset you most likely having another party member, and can jump after you even faster.

Cascada: Give 'em The Hose!

Cascada: Goddammit!

I'd like to say that they have pretty high evasion, but it's actually just that Quicksilver has relatively low hit rates.

This attack hits all party members. This is over a third of Jotaro's current health, a bit over a quarter of Cascada's, and I end up in some real close calls because of it.

As one might expect, Jotaro is a close range killer. He's fast, hits like a freight train, and has a high crit chance with his basic attack... but the second an enemy steps out of Short range, he might as well be throwing paper airplanes.

The 7-11 sells the same old shit, and there's a Recycle Shop in case we need to unload anything. I am, unfortunately, a perpetual item hoarder. What if I need those 15 servings of tea later?

Had to keep this wacky shot in. Early in Part 3's run, Star Platinum's powers were pretty ill-defined (remember the whole photo thing?) and included stretching out its fingers to sword length. It goes unremarked upon for the entire rest of the series (though the anime put it in again way later). In 7SU, it serves a valuable role as Jotaro's only M-range attack.

In addition to the Burns, there's a new type of autonomous Stand roaming the map.

They are, naturally, a bit more dangerous, but a single Thunder Beam from Cascada wipes them with no questions asked. Prime grinding fodder.

Yeah, working alone can get kinda depressing.

We walk past him to the harbor branch of the Congee and Hot Cola Stand to heal up, but on the way back out of the alley...

Cascada: ! Look over there!
Jotaro: ...They've probably been hired by Dio. Give me a @#S% break...

These guys only jump you if you're walking around with Jotaro and he's at least level 10; that Bombs encounter pushed him past the threshold.

I love how this guy is saying this approximately two seconds after one of his buddies dropped dead from a burst of high-pressure water materializing directly above a teenage girl's arm.

They do pretty heavy damage with guns and grenades, but nothing Cascada can't handle. Meanwhile Jotaro does a fraction of his optimal damage because they're at Long range.

I try to turn around and slam back some hot cola, but a Wicked Master immediately leaps in from behind the text box.

Motherfucker.

I grind Jojo back up to Lv10 and trigger the event again.

MOTHERFUCKE- it's fine it's only EXP, it's fine........

Kakyoin's shopping down in the bottom left corner. Think he remembers threatening Cascada's life two days ago?

Both: -groan-
Kakyoin: What?
Jotaro: I'm gonna go for lunch.
Jotaro: That dry curry is no joke.
Cascada: Save me a seat, I get the feeling I'm going to be drinking about two dozen shots of espresso over the next half hour.

Kakyoin's an interesting party member, with a bunch of status-inflicting skills and some Long-range attacks that keep growing in power. Most bosses are vulnerable to status effects in this game, so he actually can end up saving the day in the right circumstances.

Kakyoin: ...Is there anything you like, Cascada?
Kakyoin: You're too young for me, but no reason I can't start early.

There's really only one choice here.

Kakyoin: ...Yeah, I guess this'll be a lot more useful than jewelry in the long run... Haha....
Cascada: This way, if I ever have to punch you in the face, I'll remember you while doing it.
Kakyoin: Ahem, well. Let's keep that to a minimum, if possible.
Cascada: No promises.

You can ask Steel for your FP rankings at any time. Character-specific events like Kakyoin buying you a present usually increase FP, and you can weight specific party members with certain character-agnostic events.

Kakyoin: You're throwing off my game, Cascada.
Cascada: You could buy her some brass knuckles?
Kakyoin: -sigh-

Kakyoin doesn't try to buy you jewelry if you're playing as a male protagonist. Instead, you get an event where you both try to score with this barfly. It goes poorly for multiple reasons.

Yeah, no less than three spawn in on this little pier every time we go outside. Kind of a pain.

Kakyoin: I'm gonna go to the shops. Be seeing you.

Due to the Polnareff Incident, I've played more battles with Abdul than anyone else so far. He's a solid mid-range nuker but he also only does fire damage. Still, never a bad choice to walk around with.

While you're with Abdul, a new NPC spawns in by the restaurant.

Abdul: ?... I'm sorry, Miss. Do you need something?

Cascada: Can't you use your fortune-telling to cheat at gambling?
Abdul: That would be unethical.
Cascada: More or less unethical than casinos?

Why not.

Cascada: Come on Abdul, give me something here. The Machine needs a new pair of shoes.
Abdul: Very well. Heads.

Cascada: ......
Abdul: -smirk-

We stopped by briefly with Kakyoin, but now we hit up the marketplace / food court in the center of the map in earnest.

Cascada: Huh? Do you like sushi, Abdul?
Cascada: You gonna be alright? Is sushi halal?
Abdul: I appreciate the concern, but I am non-practicing.

A rare textbox gaffe! I remember playing Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town on the GBA and one of the text boxes was still in totally untranslated Japanese.

Cascada: Wow, who'd have thought? Let's grab some, then!
Abdul: Are you sure? As long as it's not on my account.

Tamago is egg, and in the context of sushi refers to a sort of sweetened omelette; supposedly, the quality of a chef's tamago sushi is the surest indicator of their skill. Ikura is salmon roe. Toro is bluefin tuna belly.

Salmon is salmon. Salmon wasn't considered suitable for sushi until the late 80s to early 90s, the culmination of a decade-long Norwegian marketing campaign for importing salmon to Japan.

I'm glad we can bond over good food after teaming up to immolate the French. There are lessons to be learned from this, even in 2024.

Hmmmmm.

Joseph: Heheheh... It's like you're my granddaughter.
Cascada: Try and hook me up with Jotaro and we are THROUGH, old timer.
Joseph: He has to learn to stop pulling it out at every opportunity before I even think about that.
Abdul: Well, I'll just be going then.

Joseph joins us for Round 2 of the Hong Kong food tour.

Joseph: Mmm, this IS good!

There is a minuscule (like 1 in 800) chance she actually gives you a bunny girl outfit. That's something to deal with another day.

Joseph: Are you old enough to drink?
Cascada: In Hong Kong I am.
Joseph: Good enough for me.

Joseph: Cascada, listen to me. You need to be careful around ANY men associated with pillars.
Cascada: ...okay...?
Joseph: EXTREMELY careful.

okay seriously what's with all the Italian food here in Hong Kong Harbor

Joseph: Mmm! This is great!

Joseph: (Hong Kong naicha) I see! The tea's really strong, so they cut it with condensed milk... It's mellow but fragrant!

Joseph: (congee) Rice porridge with peas... Good AND good for you!

Joseph: (hot cola) Whaddya mean, hot!? Cola's obviously supposed to be drunk cold! I'll pass, thanks! Just one cup for us, pops! That's more than enough!

Joseph: (cheong fun) Wow, I thought these were pork sausages, but they're actually rice noodles! There's all kinds of fix-ins, too. Great!

Joseph: (gai daan jai) Hmm... It looks like a waffle, but it's sweeter than anything I've ever had in America. Not bad.

Joseph: (fish balls) Skewered, lightly fried fish paste with a curry flavor... It's surprisingly addictive.

Joseph: (siu mei) Mmm! The crispness of the skin perfectly compliments the juiciness of the meat! This would go well with rice...

I've been watching a lot of the original Iron Chef lately and I feel like they say "that would go well with rice!" a lot (especially when Chen Kenichi, the Sichuan Sage, son of Chen Kenmin the God of Sichuan Cooking, is on duty), which always strikes me as a slightly silly thing to say. You're telling me this flavorful main dish would go well with the bland staple grain that half the entire world eats? Come on.

Hey, wait a minute...

It's Utah! Still putzing around Hong Kong, I see. (I guess it's only been a day)

Utah: What do you say? Would you like to test your strength?

Joseph: Shit! Is this one of Dio's assassins!?
Cascada: Nah, just a run of the mill loser. He can live.

Joseph is possibly the best party member in the game. He's got a wide variety of skills for all ranges and a late-game buff that breaks the difficulty curve if you're a very particular kind of sicko. The trade-off is that he takes a fair bit more EXP to level up than the others.

Utah's almost twice as strong as before and summons a second Burns, but The Machine has been honed to a laser's edge from her trials during the Polnareff Incident. A couple of Thunder Beams and the poor bastard doesn't stand a chance.

Utah: ...No. I shouldn't let this get to me. You truly are an excellent Stand user... You should give yourself a pat on the back.
Utah: Not like you can reach it at your size, though...
Cascada: What was that? "Please burn my face off with your Heat Ray, Cascada?"
Utah: But don't get complacent! There are Stand users far stronger than I in Singapore. Make sure to stay alert. I don't care how strong you are... you'll stay away from them if you know what's good for you.
Joseph: Perhaps you could join us? Another Stand-user we could trust would be welcome.
Utah: Heh, I'll think about it. Ask me again once I'm back on the market.
Cascada: I dunno, are you really good enough for us? I've kicked your ass twice now.
Utah: I'll tell ya what: we'll settle the score next time. Winner buys.
Cascada: You're on.

Fighting Utah gets you +1 FP with whoever's in your party at the time. I'm trying to keep everyone pretty even for now, but ~~you readers should sound off in the comments with who of the main five you think should be Cascada's best bud. I'm serious, I need to know this.~~
(EDIT FROM THE FUTURE: This poll is over. Jotaro won.)

We go to heal up.

Cascada: Yum... My compliments to the chef!
Joseph: ...What am I gonna do with you...

haha fat people right (i fucking hate this)

Kakyoin can also do this with Hierophant Green.

Joseph hits Lv12 here from fighting the Bombs and Burns at the pier. I actually make sure to grind up every other member of the party to Lv12 offscreen before we leave the harbor; this gets Cascada up to Lv15.

Anyway, there's one more secret here (well, two, but I'm saving the second one for a Special Occasion later). After getting Kakyoin back in the party to keep FP even, we head to the west side of the map and search behind the pillars.

A man in a business suit starts booking it away!

You have to talk to him three times in total, and he speeds up each time. And I mean really speeds up.

That's not a cutscene, he is actually moving that fast. The trick is that since he's set to always run directly away from you, you can sort of corral him into corners.

Like so.

If you have a specific Stand, it zooms after him and you skip to this final encounter immediately.

Cascada: I had a feeling you were the one behind all these incidents! Are you working for Dio!?

Kakyoin: You aren't exactly helping your case.

Turns out Emilio moved so fast because he was riding his Stand Chicken Shack like a chocobo. It is accordingly the fastest enemy we've seen up to now; Boss Fight Polnareff had 190 Speed, but Chicken Shack has 500. Thankfully there are no double turns or anything, it just means that it acts first every round and is really hard to hit.

Remember, if the Stand is hard to fight, aim for the user.

Pretend I made a stock joke here. You know.

This move restores his HP and SP and buffs all of his stats. Not that it matters. He drops like all the rest.

Here we go baby!

You can burn a Badge of Honor for a random beneficial effect, but you also need them to activate bonuses between playthroughs, or indeed the ability to even access another playthrough without starting from scratch.

My plan is actually to load an old save that's already beaten the game 3+ times once we hit the end of this one, so no sense hanging onto the Badges, but I probably will anyway just to prove a point. Let's save and load a couple times.

Not bad.

Tonio runs the closed Italian restaurant from Update 3 (and JoJo Part 4). We get five each of like six different items that all restore huge piles of HP and SP.

This was enough to make Cascada jump from Lv13 directly to Lv18. Alas, we must reload.

Cascada's been slamming espresso to keep topped up between every three or so fights all update long. We drink one last triple shot for luck, and we'll set sail next update!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

8 - Omelette du Fromage

2024-10-08T18:57:30.623Z

(Originally posted April 12, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we ate our way across Hong Kong's food scene. Our last stop is the Jade Garden.

This definitely won't be a problem when I have to load a save 75% into this update.

The cameos are coming hard and fast in the Jade Garden restaurant. The core cast of Part 5 is in the upper right corner, tricking its main character into drinking piss (I am 100% serious). Meanwhile, at the bottom right is young Joseph Joestar from the beginning of Part 2, when his grandmother tells him to beat up a racist at an Italian restaurant.

Part 5 also takes place in Italy, so I guess Jade Garden serves Chinese and Italian food?

Joseph: I knew it! There's no way it'd be that easy... we'll have to strike air travel off the menu for now. If we get attacked by a Stand in the air again, we could put even more people's lives at risk! That leaves us land and sea! Those are the only safe ways left to travel!

Abdul: We can't afford to endanger Holly any further...

There used to be a restaurant near me that supposedly sold "ravioli". It was actually a wonton soup restaurant that decided to make its sign via some kind of automated translation.

Joseph: I'm well aware.
Kakyoin: I was simply marveling at that most incredible of modern inventions, the aeroplane. Which you crashed.
Joseph: I didn't punch a racist so hard his finger went through his nose during the war to take lip from you, kid.

I was at a workshop once and the restaurant had an "Asian pork taco" on the appetizer menu. I live in the greater Los Angeles area, so fusion cuisine is nothing new to me. Kogi truck is a local institution.

When the food came out, it was a gua bao.

They also made a shitty movie with Jackie Chan in it.

Joseph: Even without airplanes, we should be able to reach Dio in less than half that time. Here's what I'm thinking... If I can charter out a ship, we can take it all the way around Malaysia and through the Indian Ocean. Sort of like the Silk Road of the sea!
Abdul: I agree with this plan. If we go by land, there's things like deserts, the Himalayas... All kinds of complications, basically.
Jotaro: ...bet I could climb Everest with Star Platinum.
Cascada: 2000G says you don't even reach base camp.
Kakyoin: I'll match that... but perhaps AFTER we've defeated Dio?

Jotaro: Same here.
Cascada: And here.

Kakyoin: Oh, you don't know? In Hong Kong, this means "refill, please".

I was taught to flip the lid upside down rather than just put it off-kilter.

Kakyoin: Then, after they bring more tea, you tap on the table twice to say thanks.

You also do this when someone is pouring you tea. The youngest person at the table (so, in my family, me) has to pour tea for everyone else. The origin of this is allegedly that when the Emperor was travelling incognito to practice his tea pouring, his attendants would do this instead of bowing directly, which would give up his identity.

Cascada: Wow, you know a lot about this stuff...

The man at the bar with a crazy haircut walks over to the table.

Jotaro: Go bother someone else.
Joseph: Hey, Jotaro, no need to be rude!
Jotaro: It's my whole THING, gramps.
Joseph: -sigh- Excuse him.

Cascada: The comedy music is playing, but I see no problem with this.
???: Ordering frog, simply because I am French? You needn't have.

When I was a kid, getting a whole steamed fish was the family's go-to celebration / special occasion meal. Any leftovers went into my father's juk the next day.

I don't think about this often because it has always been a fact of life to me, but at sit-down Chinese restaurants you're generally ordering dishes to be shared among the whole table. There's usually a lazy susan in the center so you can rotate all the food and choose from what's available.

Jotaro: ...

I went "hah!" out loud when this happened. The catchphrase pops up just rarely enough that I forget about it every time, plus it's just a silly catchphrase to say ruefully.

The music fades from the "wacky" theme into the "danger" theme as the text appears here. It's a nice touch.

Cascada: D-don't tell me...
Kakyoin: Are you a Stand user!?

The interrobangs in this game are all exclamation-question, but my natural inclination typing them is question-exclamation (it's interrobang, not banginterro!). Messing me up.

Abdul: Mr. Joestar, get out of the way!

Joseph: It's a Stand!

???: My Stand represents the Chariot arcanum... I call it "Silver Chariot"!
???: Mohammed Abdul... It looks like it wants to take you on first... See the table over there? I've carved a clock out of it using your flames. When they reach 12, I will kill you!
Abdul: That's some unbelievable swordsmanship... I've never seen anything like it. But taking me down before the clock strikes 12... Don't you think you're giving yourself a little too much credit? Mister, er...
Polnareff: Call me Polnareff!

Abdul: Monsieur Polnareff... My flames are not like typical ones. Don't think that they can be blown by the wind, or that they only burn upwards... These flames bend to my will. That's why I call my Stand Magician's Red!

Cascada: -whispering- DO they say that, Kakyoin?
Kakyoin: -whispering- I, uh, believe it is a French legend...
Polnareff: However... You seem to think I'm all talk. Maybe this will change your mind... Too much credit, he says... Ha!!

Jotaro: No... Take a closer look!
Kakyoin: He pierced Abdul's flames, too!
Abdul: I-I see... You pierced my flames along with the coins...
Polnareff: It seems you understand why I did this.
Polnareff: I am considering opening a food truck, but I am not sure how many people are willing to try flaming nickel kebab...

Polnareff: My card, the Chariot, symbolizes victory and acts of aggression. In a crowded place like this, it would sweep the floor with you... But your Stand's ability works best in wide open places, does it not, Abdul?
Polnareff: Such a one-sided battle isn't becoming of a noble Stand like mine. Shall we even the odds a bit? Why don't we take this somewhere a little less cramped? Allow me to show you to your deathbed...

Imagine me, in real life, taking a deep, rueful sigh right now.

Abdul: So Tiger Balm Garden is our battlefield...

I feel like the three sculptures at the bottom (usually covered by the text box) have to be references of some kind, but I can't place them. Sound off in the comments.

Tiger Balm Garden was a real theme park full of garishly-colored statues and whatnot, but it was torn down and replaced with a housing development in 1998. I vaguely remembered going there despite this, but it turns out I was remembering its sister park in Singapore: Haw Par Villa.

Polnareff: Here, you will be undone by your own Stand's power...
Abdul: ...................
Cascada: He seems pretty nonchalant about all this...
Jotaro: Abdul...
Abdul: Stand back, Jotaro... It's as he said. My Stand performs best in open places such as these.

Polnareff: Do what you will. I'll eliminate all of you in due time, anyhow.

You can in fact, just gang up on him and kick his ass, but your dishonorable actions lower everyone's FP. Letting Abdul handle it raises his FP (and it's how the fight went in the manga), so we'll do that for now.

Polnareff is a speedy guy, so Abdul starts the fight with the CantFind condition, just like when we were up against Tower of Gray. Remember, it means only all-target attacks can hit.

Any time he hits you, CantFind has a chance to wear off, but Polnareff can re-apply it at will. In fact, we want him to, because it means he isn't spending that turn killing us.

This doesn't seem like a lot of damage, but once Polnareff moves up to short range his basic attack hits twice, which means twice the chance of an unlucky crit. Our only recourse is to repeatedly spam Fire Wall and use potions as necessary. Remember, we haven't had a chance to grind up anyone other than Cascada.

To be clear, there is no consequence for losing this fight other than the EXP, but I have my pride. I load my save... three times.

Finally, Abdul gets it done.

Polnareff: Why don't you take a look behind you?
Joseph: Ah! Abdul! Look!

Polnareff: Hmhm... It goes nicely with the rest of the statues in the garden, don't you think?
Abdul: ...Looks like I'll have to get serious.
Abdul: The previous three times did not count.
Polnareff: Ooh, this is getting interesting! Get ready!

Polnareff: Looks like my prediction was correct.

Abdul is, of course, unharmed.

Polnareff: D-damn yoooooou!!
Abdul: This is the end of the line, Polnareff... Take this!!

Abdul blasts him with another Crossfire Hurricane! Polnareff hits the ground!

Joseph: Well, we'd better get going. Egypt's a long way off.

Jotaro: Bastard...! He looks good as new aside from a couple of scrapes and bruises! And how is he floating in the air like that!?
Cascada: Hear me out, Jojo... I know it might be difficult to believe, but I think it's because of his Stand. I think he's got supernatural powers, just like us!
Kakyoin: Incredible! Who knew there were other Stand users out there? This is unprecedented!
Jotaro: -grumble-
Polnareff: Ha ha ha... Why don't you take a closer look?

Abdul: By all means, go ahead.
Polnareff: What you'd seen earlier wasn't my Stand being dismantled, but just the removal of its armor. What you'd burned off was just the pieces of the armor... That did, in fact, damage me, but not considerably.
Polnareff: Mere third-degree burns over my entire body! Not fourth!
Polnareff: And now, without all that extra weight, you'll find that my Stand is quite fast indeed! The reason you couldn't see it lift me is because it's too fast for the naked eye!!

Abdul: But without that armor, the next hit will be fatal... You realize that, yes?
Polnareff: Well, yes... IF it hits! But it's impossible. You're about to see something that'll make you quake in your boots!

Joseph: W-what!? His Stand multiplied!!
Kakyoin: How!? Stands are supposed to be one to a person!!

If you have a Swarm-type Stand, you do get a bit here along the lines of, "uh hey what about me dude?"

We once again get a choice of letting Abdul handle it, ganging up on Polnareff, or fighting him solo, but this time it's different.

If you're ever having real trouble with a plot encounter in 7SU, following what happens in the manga is generally the path of least resistance. If we go with Abdul alone, he'll get a temporary skill called "Brainstorm", aka the "and the story happened like normal" command which usually wins you the battle for free, albeit with no EXP gain. It'd be pretty damn hard (if not outright impossible) for him to win the fight otherwise.

We won't lose FP if we choose to gang up on Polnareff this time, but that just isn't sporting. It's time for The Machine to get involved personally.

We go up against Polnareff and SEVEN (7) Silver Chariots. All of them are faster than you and all of them get their own action. Each Silver Chariot can do a basic attack, do an attack that may inflict Fear (lose a turn), do an attack that may inflict Bleeding (damage over time), or reapply CantFind.

Thankfully, we hit Lv10 last update. Cascada is MASTER OF THE ELEMENTS (by which I mean, we got a new all-target attack.)

Cascada: POWERRRRR

We wipe out five Chariots in a single blow! Good, because we couldn't have endured a second turn of getting cut seven times in a row. This way, we can outpace the damage with curatives.

Just one problem: Polnareff also gets an action. He can reapply CantFind like before, hide and heal himself, or resummon every Silver Chariot. And he's the fastest one here; if he summons Chariot, it still gets to attack that turn.

Cascada: UN-LIM-IT-ED PO- wait what

Cascada has 115 HP right now. Chariot's basic attack does about 4, but its Fear or Bleed inflicting attacks do about 10-15, with the possibility of making us lose our turn or take a huge chunk of DOT... seven times before Cascada gets to act. And every time we lose, we have to redo that first fight with Abdul to get back to this point.

I tried this four times before I decided it was impossible... but if playing Dark Souls taught me anything, it's that I should ~~fruitlessly bang my head against something for 6 hours until it dies~~ rethink my approach if something isn't working out. Or, I mean, grind.

Hell, why not both?

I load a save before the entire sequence, put a podcast on, and grind Cascada up to Lv11; about 700 EXP worth when the encounters around HK give 30.

Still no dice; I'm about to truly give up and just show off the Brainstorm command. But then, as I'm doing final checks on another update, I see something I typed weeks ago.

Also notable is the Tactics menu, which is a sort of soft equip slot that lets us tweak our stats and status resistances a bit. There's Normal, which has no plus or minus, but we also have:
Initiative: Attack +5, Speed +5, Defense -10
Charge: Attack +10, Speed +10, Defense -20
Desperation: Attack +20, Defense -20
Keep Distant: Attack -10, Speed -5, Defense +5
Flee: Attack -10, Speed +10, Long-range Defense +10
Guard: Attack -10, Speed -10, Defense +20

I'd switched back from Normal to Flee somewhere around the Rainbow fight in Update 5, but +10 Speed won't matter against Polnareff's 190. I switch to Guard as a last ditch effort.

FUCK YES

Silver Chariot goes from dealing 4ish damage on a basic attack to doing zero, and 12ish on a status inducer to 6-7. It's still difficult, but it's within the realm of doable.

...one more time.

I go for a gamble on one of Cascada's other new skills. Just because of how often you're getting hit, CantFind usually wears off by the time Cascada's action rolls around. Topped off at full HP from a Medkit, I burn a turn taking the shot.

Blowback causes Polnareff to lose his next turn, but I still can't keep all the Chariots down due to losing my own turns from Fear and the sheer HP attrition. I'm on the ropes, when...

Cascada: ..............................
Cascada: WOAH OHHHHHH!!!

I'd been trying to sneak Heat Rays in because being on fire does 3%+1 HP damage per turn. Turns out Bleed does 20%+5 AND 10% SP damage per turn.

Kakyoin: We really owe you one.
Cascada: Forget the Heat Ray, now anyone getting in our way gets The Hose.

Was he? He hid behind his adds the whole fucking fight!

This line makes more sense in the original, where Abdul lights Polnareff on fire and leaves him a knife so he can die quickly rather than burn alive. Abandoning the opportunity to hurl it as a final cheap shot, Polnareff elects to honorably immolate.

Joseph: It looks like he doesn't have any strength left to fight... Now, Jotaro!
Jotaro: Yeah... I'll ~~pull it out~~ extract it. [SCHLORP]
Joseph: Yeccch!! Those tentacles always gross me out!

Long fucking day. Tune in next time for the squad's adventures at the Hong Kong Harbor!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

7 - Hong Kong Food Tour

2024-10-08T18:08:48.082Z

(Originally posted April 5, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, the Squad crashed off the coast of Hong Kong and split up. The rendezvous point is lunch at the Jade Garden restaurant, but until then Cascada's got nothing but free time.

Get used to this screen because it's the "inn" template used for basically the rest of the game, no matter where on Earth we are. This is a universe where Holiday Inn somehow took over the entire hotel business.

Aside, since I'm thinking about hotels: I played Like A Dragon: Infinite Wealth recently and it threw me for a loop to play one of those games taking place somewhere I've actually been. I stayed in the same hotel as Kiryu, with the little pool visible from the street right around the corner from the International Marketplace.

Mom is right. If we want health, we should talk to the guy in the cartoon chef toque.

Xiaolong bao are steamed buns; the bamboo steaming basket is the "xiaolong". Some places like Shanghai use the phrase to refer specifically to soup dumplings, where a gelatinized stock is diced up and wrapped in the dough.

Twice-cooked pork and mapo tofu are both Sichuan dishes. The pork is simmered and then stir-fried in a wok, hence twice-cooked. Mapo tofu is an infamously spicy stewed tofu dish. The "mapo" means roughly "pock-faced granny", allegedly the owner of the restaurant in Chengdu that popularized the dish.

...Oolong tea is tea. It's partially oxidized, so it's got some characteristics of both green and black teas. In Japan, it's a stock "fake alcohol" drink because it's got a similar brown shade as whiskey.

Think he saw that old dude explode in a shower of blood?

I think that the "R" patch changed this? I haven't actually tried yet.
(Note from the future: it didn't)

Inns usually sell some basic curatives. I buy some dumplings and rations and immediately regret it for reasons we'll get into shortly.

And, of course, you can sleep at the Inn for a full recovery. We don't, because...

There's a fair bit of leeway, honestly, but you probably shouldn't hit up the inn more than once per location. There are other ways to recover, though they can get a bit tedious or expensive.

Cascada: Steel, any thoughts?
Steel: What a catastrophe... Who would've imagined you'd be attacked on a plane? But this is only the beginning... Dio will be in hot pursuit of your group as long as you present a threat. Now's a good time to hone your Stand's abilities... You wouldn't want to be dead weight, after all. You can recover by eating at the hotel in between vanquishing foes in town. But be warned that I sense two powerful Stand users here... If you're lacking in strength, I'd stay well away from them.

If you've read Part 3, you might think you know who these two powerful Stand users are. You'd be wrong.

Best my research could figure, "Jatbunjan" is a Cantonese slur for Japanese people. We'll get to Tiger Balm Garden in the next update.

Kinkaku-ji is a famous temple in Kyoto covered in gold leaf. I remember it mostly because of a Douglas Adams anecdote, where upon learning the temple had burned down and been rebuilt, he asked if it was really the same building (aka the "Ship of Theseus" thought experiment). The guide told him, "It is always the same building."

Four steps down the street, Cascada is immediately ambushed.

The Delinquents of Hong Kong. They die fast and don't hit particularly hard, but they're the fastest mob yet on the world map. All enemies will chase you on sight, but the Martial Artist can leap three squares instantly. If one starts chasing you in earnest, you probably aren't escaping without entering a building.

So we enter a building. The inn is roughly in the top-center of the HK map, and this restaurant is directly east (right), at the far edge.

Just maid cafes, I guess (disclaimer I have never been to a maid cafe and I have no intention of doing so but I did watch Akiba Maid War and that show is pretty good despite the title, trust me).

Which Chinese restaurant dude? There's like four on this block alone.

Hong Kong style douhua is super soft tofu in syrup. Think a custard or pudding like texture.

Heading south past the tram, you can get a good look at all three new encounters. God forbid we spend two minutes in HK without being hounded by these assholes.

Steel's book in the third update mentioned these things, including that they're generated by the Stand Alhirt. The actual Al Hirt recorded the theme song for The Green Hornet, a show about the eponymous white masked hero and his foreign sidekick Kato (famously played by Bruce Lee). If this sounds kinda like The Lone Ranger, it's because they were created by the same people.

The hornets themselves have less HP than the Martial Artist, but they do exactly what you think a stinging insect type enemy might do in a video game.

Damage over time (5%+1 per turn), plus damage ticks every few steps on the overworld. Assholes.

We drink our single antidote after the battle. Later, I stock up on Oolong Tea at the hotel, which also cures poison and restores way more SP (22%+20).

Next up is ~~the flameskull~~ Burns, a substantially more dangerous encounter. They're durable enough for two Sunbeams (a Heat Ray still drops them in one, though) and will blast you for pretty substantial damage.

This also lights you on fire, which is another damage-over-time status (3%+1 damage per turn), though thankfully it doesn't persist after the battle and usually wears out on its own.

The Machine's body count increases.

Unfortunately, heading south just leads to a dead end alley-way.

If we had a Stand that could fix his car, we'd get a stat-boosting item out of this. Instead, Cascada must simply backtrack through the gauntlet of enemies, looping back south around the outside of the alley.

Aaaaand there it is. Picking the "chubby" character type means you're saddled with an invisible variable that can inflict the "Hungry" status while you're on the map. It'll consume a random food item from your inventory on the spot with no recovery; if you don't have any, you're stuck losing health every few steps and Berserk status in battle until you do eat something. None of the other character types have any downsides, to my knowledge.

Hong Kong has a ton of food vendors that I used to regularly heal and this still cropped up often enough that I lost my entire stock of Rations and Dumplings from the inn. It sucks and is needlessly mean spirited.

Congee is rice porridge. Most in Hong Kong would never call it "congee", they'd call it "juk". "Congee" comes a Tamil word that spread to the Portuguese and then to the English-speaking world; it always confused me as a kid why seemingly everyone except my family called it congee. My father used to make juk for breakfast by boiling rice, ginger, and fish in a slow cooker overnight until my mom made him stop because it made the whole house smell like rice, ginger, and fish.

Hot cola is also definitely a real Hong Kong thing. Coke boiled with lemon and ginger is a folk cold-remedy in those parts.

Cascada: Then maybe you shouldn't stand around in the world map, buddy.

There's this pond in the center of the map surrounded by NPCs meant to showcase various optional events available to different Stands; this guy would point us to a hidden stash of money, for example. Quicksilver gets precisely none of these here.

Sorry lady, Ryu has no interest in romance. Quicksilver isn't exactly going to set a romantic mood, either.

Cascada has about 1200 at the moment, having spent about half of her cash on food (inflation is no joke). We can get 20 by beating up a Martial Artist on the street. 1G is nothing.

He'll keep asking until we give him 10 total, one by one.

The Machine is a Champion of Justice (When It Suits Her). She will even help racists.

Crazy DX is a permanent stat boosting item. The Darbitol we got from beating Kakyoin is one too, but it increases Intelligence.

Sorry, buddy. All Cascada could do is put you out of your misery, and that seems maybe a step too far.

North of the pond (directly next door to the inn) is a souvenir shop.

We pick up a tea set for mom and dad, but we're practically broke afterwards. Sis can get her own goddamn stuffed panda (due to circumstances in the next update, we do eventually end up with enough cash to get her one offscreen before leaving).

I have something like four or five clay teapots from a family vacation in Beijing that have never once been used. They're all sitting on a shelf somewhere. I don't drink much tea.

Sounds like something to investigate!

This restaurant is the Jade Garden, our objective, so we don't go inside. Always save progress for last!

Cascada: (...Another Stand user?)

Getting gaslit by your own special ability sucks.

No explanation needed for once. It's fish balls. On a skewer. Usually curry flavor. Moving on.

This is a big flat rice noodle rolled with a filling and then cut into pieces. "Cheung" means intestine, due to the look of the finished product. "Fun" is just noodle.

Also visible in this screenshot are a bunch more enemies; the encounter with three Lv1 Murderdolls is still around HK to help lower level players keep up.

The upper west corner of the map is... another restaurant.

The most famous form of siu mei is char siu / chashu. When I was a kid I learned what char siu bao were before I learned how to properly use a knife and fork.

We head back south to the west of the pond.

This is basically a waffle, but with hollow spheres instead of a square grid. If you've ever had taiyaki or even fortune cookies, that's basically how it tastes; a sort of eggy batter.

Hong Kong's first 7-11 opened in 1981. By 1989, there were over 200. It sells the same stuff as the one in Japan plus some new curatives, and I pick up a couple Special Chocolates (15%+10 HP/SP).

The instant we walk outside, this dude whose sprite reminds me of Scarmiglione from FFIV tries to mug Cascada.

Cascada: ...sure man, I've only got 11G anyway. Take it.

On the other hand, does anyone think The Machine would dare allow some hooded hooligan to rob her, even for pennies on the dollar?

Cascada: Get fucked, asshole! Quicksilver!

Stones rise from the ground, combining into a towering golem!

Rhinocerose has pretty high defense. Freu doesn't. This is meant to be your tutorial that sometimes (often) you should focus on the user, rather than the Stand.

I wasn't keeping track of my SP, and there was only enough juice for one Heat Ray... but that's all we needed. Freu ended up low enough that a stiff breeze could knock him over. If you don't kill him that fast, he's got pretty hard hitting physical attacks.

His Stand vanishes accordingly.

He gives us an Experience Tablet, another stat-boosting item that can increase our max HP by 5.

Cascada: Tell it to the arm cannon.

Next to this guy is Kishibe Rohan from Part 4, creator of Pink Dark Boy. If we talk to him, he gives us a tutorial shpiel that was in one of the PDB books earlier.

PDB: You may have noticed already, but Stands are typically either material or immaterial. Material Stands usually inhabit physical objects like dolls or vehicles. Damaging these objects will damage the Stand as well. Immaterial Stands are incapable of physical attacks, and appear translucent, like ghosts. Material Stands have less special techniques, but have higher attack and defense. Immaterial Stands have lower stats, but they also have a larger arsenal of commands available to them.

Utah: So you're the one who took down Freu... Another Stand user, I presume? I think you'll find I'm a much tougher opponent than he... Prepare yourself.
Utah: "Saints!"

Utah's Stand Saints summons a Burns along with it, meaning they've got three attacks per turn. They can burst you down pretty easily, especially if their status effects land. Saints uses a lot of wind attacks that might cause BlowBack, and of course the Burns can light you on fire.

A Heat Ray brings Utah fairly low, and I start using the all-target Laser Beam attack to try and squeeze a bit of extra EXP out of the fight by getting a simultaneous kill. Unfortunately my HP gets dangerously low and I have to focus the guy down.

Utah: You're pretty good... Didn't expect to have to go all out.... What? Got a question?

About Stand battles

Are you not used to Stand battles yet? Whatever, here goes. Well, first of all, there are a lot of different types of Stands. For example, my Saints can fight separately from me, and use its own judgement to determine what attack to use.
This trait comes in handy... For instance, I can attack while it heals, or we can pull off complex combination attacks. However, if its health drops below a certain point, it can no longer function.
Because of that, Stands like mine are especially weak to poison and moves that inflict continuous damage. I'm still working on a counter-measure...
Some Stands share their body with their host. These types have powerful physical attacks, but almost no defense techniques. Because of this, they're the easiest Stand to master. In addition, their base stats are very high... However, they're useless against far-away opponents and can't take a hit.
There's also the opposite type - independent Stands that are completely separate, and don't transfer damage to the user. To defeat them, you have to get at the person controlling it. These types can be difficult to control, however. It's more like barking orders at a solider than anything. Of course, if the user runs out of strength, the Stand is rendered ineffective.
But these Stands can always recover as long as the user is unharmed... Because of that, they might even be the most dangerous type. The one caveat is that they get weaker the more they regenerate... If you defeat enough of them, they won't be a threat.
Try to keep mental notes on these traits as you fight different Stands. I think preparation is the most important part of a battle.

Cascada: Take a breath, man.
Utah: Never.

About mid-bosses

What do you mean, "mid-boss"? 💧 You mean like me and Freu?
Actually, now that I think of it, I've been seeing a lot of Stand users around lately. I'm not sure what the cause is, but you're likely to encounter them wherever you go.
Be careful not to bite off more than you can chew... You might want to bring a friend with you. That way, you'll both grow from the experience and strengthen your bond.

And with that, we've exhausted the Hong Kong map! Having almost died against Utah, I get worried about the next plot beat and grind up a bit. Eventually Cascada reaches that magic number...

Cascada: I AM MASTER OF THE ELEMENTS

See you next time at the Jade Garden restaurant!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

69.5 - The Memories of That Blood ~end of The LP~ (Postmortem)

2026-03-20T15:12:06.335Z

<= Previous | Top

Last time, we got the only happy "Whole Party Lives" ending in the game and closed out the Let's Play proper. This time, we reflect on the journey.

Stats:

Start of Let's Play: February 20, 2024
End of Cohost: Jan 12, 2025
End of Let's Play: March 20, 2026 (missed it by that much)

	Cascada	Bradio&End	Full LP
Number of Updates	48	21	69
Total Footage Runtime	23h:3m:13s	13h:32m:1s	36h:35m:14s
Total Screenshots Taken	13,016	8,720	21,736
Image Count (Roughly)	5,859	3,400	9,259
Char. Portraits (Roughly)	4,692	1,755	6,447

Postmortem

If I'm being sappy, then I'd say the LP was part of a grand vision of The Fourth Website. What an idea! Were there any other Screenshot LPs on Cohost? I feel like I saw one or two first updates, but I don't know if they really kept going. I remember thinking that the relatively narrow post window was unkind to games in widescreen; part of why I chose 7SU in the first place was its aspect ratio and readability at low res.

The Death of Cohost as announced in September 2024 was an obvious blow to motivation at the time, and it happened at the same time as some other stuff I've mentioned before. To wit, I'd been mirroring the LP on a small forum that had spun off Cohost. The admin of that forum DMed me to tell me I was annoying then blocked me on all social media before I could respond. I wasn't explicitly banned from the forum but I also wasn't about to stick around after that, so I was effectively cut off from a good half-to-baker's dozen others I liked talking to. I guess you could say that's my fault, but would you want to hang out where the owner hates you? I'm kind of put off of other forums now, too. Sucks! I guess at least I no longer have to reformat every single update for Discourse or whatever.

Refocusing on the LP itself, I never did see The Numbers (and I don't know that I want to, they'd probably be pretty dire). Was this ever considered a fixture in someone's life? Will someone think back in five or ten years and go "man, what happened to that one weird Let's Play?" I feel like even on Cohost, my constant re-shares every Friday were probably getting annoying; I never got the sense it ever really got off the ground even back then. I guess all five or six of you (if that) still reading at this point probably started there? Hell, if you started reading this LP in '25 or later, let me know. That'd be fuckin' crazy.

I downplayed how much work this was compared to video, but I was thinking about a curated, informative, edited Video Let's Play. If you're fine with just talking over some raw gameplay, Endurance Run style, that'd be way easier than this. And yet I still feel like I didn't accomplish much since most of what I did was literally transcribe the game's text. As for any original dialogue, well. One person privately telling you it's cringe is enough to override any number of people saying they like it.

Turns out doing a narrative Let's Play is tough as hell, especially if you want to do it while both A) being funny (of which I evidently did a mediocre job at best), and B) being narratively satisfying (which, well, yikes). I tried especially to keep the Utah and Joey threads going throughout Cascada's playthrough, though I obviously did not succeed. Another blatant fuck-up is that even though Jotaro was voted to be the Best Bud quite early on, I always forgot that when actually recording the footage and Cascada spent most of her time with Joseph, which naturally made its way into the text updates.

Overall, I feel like it's pretty obvious that I gave up on any delusions of non-joke original dialogue around when the second playthrough started. It got too mentally taxing, especially while retreading so much material. I've got even more respect for DidjaRedo's Avalon Code LP, which as far as I'm concerned is the gold standard of the perhaps overly narrow category of Narrative Screenshot LPs.

My biggest regret is probably not getting music links up and working. I actually do quite like the music in 7SU; it's got some fun chiptunes with catchy melodies. I made the call early on that messing with MIDI soundfonts, setting up playable links, and tracking exactly where they go in any given scene would be too big of a hurdle on my end. I had to keep scope small.

Updates I think came out particularly well:

Update 8, with the Polnareff boss fight. I got to show off some of the game's charm and granularity with the battle mechanics. On the downside, it's probably the only time I genuinely struggled in a battle other than Ult. Being Cars.
Update 28, which was the return from hiatus after Cohost died. There was some fun stuff to show off and I think the debut of Cascada's Wave Motion Gun went okay.
Update 37, not because of anything I did but because it has the D'arby minigames in it and I think those are pretty cool.
Update 58, the mansion survival segment, which again I think is just a good showcase of what makes 7SU compelling.
If you think of something, let me know!

Things I could have done better:

Aforementioned music links.
I know nothing about music and JoJo makes a lot of music references.
I feel like it's glaringly obvious I started phoning it in around halfway through.
- The lack of gameplay variety speaks for itself.
- My commentary kinda collapsed into a collection of random tangents rather than describing the game.
- I probably could have done a proper third playthrough.
I didn't actually get an install of RPG Maker 2000 to poke at the game's internals until pretty much the end of the LP. Could've done a bit more there.
I wish I actually updated weekly like I said I would, thus finishing the Let's Play within a somewhat reasonable length of time instead of over two years.
If you think of something, let me know!

Conclusion

Will I make another Let's Play? I don't know yet. Working on this one gave me a lot of the same feelings I got when I was DMing tabletop games for my friends. Back then, I'd spend tons of my free time poking and prodding. Hours could pass while I tweaked maps, encounters, spell lists, magic items, et cetera. It's something that felt productive, creative, even satisfying.

In practice, it amounted to a marginally improved couple hours entertainment for a handful of people every other week or so.

Is that enough, spiritually? I don't know. I can't help but consider if there's some alternate timeline where I put all of the energy behind this LP into some sort of endeavor that's actually marketable or productive; I can't exactly use a screenshot Let's Play as a showcase of skills on a resume in the same way that one might with video editing. What if I'd written more reviews or original fiction or something instead? What if I hustled more? Perhaps I only think that way because capitalism and social media has ruined society.

Regardless, that is not the timeline we live in. We live in the timeline where I made a screenshot Let's Play of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: The 7th Stand User, an obscure Japanese fangame. Hopefully you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading, and see you again.

<= Previous | Top

69 - GOOD END

2026-03-20T14:43:00.529Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we messed around in the Debug Room. This time... let's wrap things up.

First order of business is getting everyone's FP up. We need at least 100 total.

I teach Cascada a couple Ripple skills. They'll prove useful against Dio and his minions, as we've seen.

And then we sleep.

Alicia: Help us, Cascada... you're our only hope...
Cascada: ...it's 3am you fuckin asshole

We've fulfilled the first two conditions: we've beaten the game at least three times and have over 100 cumulative FP. This allows us to access the third condition.

Berlin: What?
Cascada: I told you... They're right here. My teammates.
Berlin: !! You don't mean... Me and Alicia!?
Alicia: !!
Cascada: Bingo!
Berlin: Don't be foolish... I already told you! Our Stand powers can't fight directly!

Cascada: So your entire plan was let the random Japanese high-school girl take care of it while you just munch popcorn and drink up people's life force? What's your fucking problem?
Berlin: Maybe if you just took some corpses with you...
Cascada: What's the point? Are any of these Ripple-zombies better at it than Mr. Joestar?
Berlin: I, well...
Cascada: You're just another asshole who thinks their thoughts and prayers are good enough to make it so you don't have to actually do anything to help people. That it's just inevitable that monsters like Dio kill people and it's got nothing to do with you.
Alicia: .........
Cascada: If everyone whose life energy you're taking is already "fated to die", then doesn't that go for both of you too? You're saying it's "fate" to justify yourself, but you're full of shit. I saw those will-o-wisps over the entire world! There's no way that one chicken-riding loser in Hong Kong had anything to do with Dio.
Berlin: You are a CHILD-
Cascada: You're saying Utah was "fated" to turn into a zombie and get put down in an alleyway!? I don't buy it! You're nothing but a goddamn coward!

We fade to black as the trio sneaks into Dio's mansion...

Alicia: Yes... This is the only way. I'll try to control my Stand... Element of Freedom... as much as I can...
Cascada: So what's the plan?
Alicia: To find those residing in Dio's mansion... And suck their life energy.
Cascada: ...But how?
Berlin: When the victim's possessed by her ability, it grants them their own will-o'-the-wisp like Stands. When they use them, their life energy is slowly sapped away... We may be able to use this to our advantage to change fate.
Cascada: Okay... But how do you know that's going to work on them?
Alicia: I wouldn't... worry about that...

Alicia: It isn't just a question of readiness... If Cascada is truly to change fate, then they must have the final say... Fate will only change through Cascada's intervention. Our goal is to stop the events from proceeding according to the story we know.
Berlin: .........
Alicia: This way... Cascada's way... We might even gather life energy exceeding what those predestined deaths would have provided...
Berlin: But where could we possibly get that much energy...!?
Alicia: I'm... not sure... It's only a possibility...
Berlin: .........We're here. We'll never know unless we try.
Alicia: Yes...

D'arby: Hm hm hm... Isn't this convenient... You'll make fine guinea pigs to test out my new power!
Alicia: (There they are...! Please, defeat those soul-like Stands besides him as much as you can! The more you defeat, the more soul energy I receive! However, if I'm defeated, some of that energy will be expended to heal me...!)
Berlin: (I'll try to protect her as much as I'm able, so please destroy them!)

That's the gimmick to this version of the boss rush. We're saddled with some weak party members and have to kill as many adds as possible while keeping Alicia's downs to a minimum.

There's no reliable way to increase Alicia or Berlin's stats before the boss rush. The only way to level them up is with a hidden interaction when using a Badge of Honor. If the Badge fizzles out without doing anything, A&B get 5000 EXP. If it explodes in your face, they get 10,000.

So we gotta kill as many Evil Souls as possible before killing the main boss, who'll be attacking us with impunity the entire time.

With Alicia, you want to use Push It To The Limit ASAP several times to buff her Durability, and then spam Steal Soul over and over on the wisps.

Berlin's physical attacks can't hit them and his Stand moves aren't that strong, so he's best used on item caddy healing duty.

I suppose we are at least getting the most annoying battle out of the way first. D'arby's MindRead status ruins our accuracy and Cascada's multi-target attacks are too powerful; she'll kill him before we kill enough wisps.

The Evil Souls respawn pretty much immediately, so there's no need to worry about an attack target accidentally moving to the main boss.

As alluded to earlier, if Alicia drops then she'll revive at full HP, but this draws from the pool of energy we get from defeating Evil Souls, and every wisp counts.

Which is annoying because she is literally a child and has the Durability of tissue.

Just keep targeting the Evil Souls.

Berlin: ...It looks like he's used all of his life energy up.
Cascada: ...So... this is what happens...
Alicia: ...When all life energy is expended, fate will claim their lives by whatever means necessary. Because it's their destiny to die...

Kill a certain number of Evil Souls, and the boss fight ends automatically.

Despite what I just said, it's worth opening the fight with a big blast just to lay some status effects on the boss.

The fewer actions this dude has the better.

Evil Souls have 300 HP, which is beyond the damage range of most of Cascada's single-target attacks.

Meanwhile Alicia's Steal Soul has a high chance of OHKO, so she's actually quite a bit more efficient at harvesting them than Cascada.

On the rare turns where Berlin doesn't have to pipe more curatives into Alicia's IV, he can help a bit too.

Berlin: ......He's used up all his life energy.
Both: .........
Cascada: ...Do vampires have more life energy than humans?
Alicia: I... I'm not sure...
Berlin: All living things consume other life energy to live... Just usually not from other human beings...
Cascada: I'm not here for the vegan lecture, man.

Alicia: Nnh...
Berlin: Are you alright? It's past your bedtime...
Alicia: ...I'm okay...
Cascada: -huff, huff, huff, huff-... W-we just can't catch a break... But... Now Dio has no-one to protect him... Maybe this isn't such a bad thing after all...
Berlin: L... let's hurry... We've no time to waste!

We get an opportunity to save here, which might screw you over if you haven't been grabbing Evil Souls.

Dio: What do you say? Won't you serve under me, Dio? I can grant you life everlasting. That goes for the two standing behind you as well.
All: ............
Dio: Killing a skilled Stand user such as you would be a waste. Be it wealth, power, or fame, I can grant you whatever you desire. After all, you had no ties to the Joestars from the very beginning... What reason do you have to risk your life for their cause?
Cascada: Your argument's got no legs. Assassins were trying to kill me the MINUTE I got a Stand.
Dio: And you've overcome them all... Proven that they were unfit to serve me.
Cascada: Tell me something I DON'T know.
Berlin: Casc-
Dio: Make your choice.

Cascada: I'm obviously not by myself.
Alicia: I'm here too...
Berlin: .........
Dio: .........
Cascada: .........
Alicia: ...-ahem-...
Berlin: -sigh- And me.

Cascada: You fight only for the sake of evil. To crush those weaker than you beneath your heels... No matter what fate has in store for me, I will never stoop to that level! That is my answer.

Dio: You will learn better than to defy me! The World!!
Cascada: Vaporize this "fate"! Quicksilver!!

Cascada: (They really don't notice at all... What a terrifying Stand.)
Alicia: (Yes...)

Dio isn't as actively annoying as D'arby, but we've seen what he's capable of already. At any moment he could choose to use Time Stop and then kill Alicia outright. She's gotta buff up.

You know, it's not often the Evil Souls actually get an action out. Ideally you're keeping apace with knocking them out.

I think it's because we're spending extra turns making sure everyone's healed.

It's really more tedious than anything else.

Sometimes the Evil Souls move into Short-range, which does at least make them easier to kill with Berlin's attacks.

Dio: Worthless humans! I control you now! Prostrate yourself before my power and knowledge!
Cascada: Rgh...!
Dio: Well, playtime's finally over. I think I'll hang your bodies up as ornaments by the entrance. What will Mr. Joestar and the rest make of that, I wonder? Mwahaha! I can't wait to see... Die!! ...!?

Cascada: -huff, huff, huff, huff- See... that... wasn't THAT hard...
Alicia: Is it... really over?
Steel: Not yet it isn't... Things aren't finished until the book called The Path To Heaven is destroyed. It should be in a library in the basement. Destroy it, and everything will be decided!
Cascada: ...!! I-it's gone! "The Path To Heaven" is missing!
Berlin: ...? Is this blood? It leads outside...
Alicia: Let's follow it! If we don't destroy it soon...!

Vins: Those vampires and illusory Stand users did take up quite some time...
Cascada: You!? But you died in the ruins in Aswan...!
Berlin: The Slave to Fate!
Alicia: And that book in your hand...!
Vins: Hm... hm hm... T-this book... You think you'll get it from me this easily...?

Ah jeez, looks like someone goofed up the settings on this fight. The event data calls for the "[bridge]" background rather than the "[moonlit-bridge]" one, which means we're on the generic RPG Maker bridge background instead of the JoJo bridge background.

Once again, Vins is substantially less dangerous than Dio, but we still must be vigilant in killing Evil Souls. Even if you play perfectly, you won't have harvested enough of them entering this fight.

You have to harvest at least 45 Evil Souls. Every Alicia KO removes one.

We slowly get it done.

Oops. Vins died to a damage over time effect rather than from running out of life energy.

Vins: Ngh...... Ah...... T-this... can't be... happening... Wes... Wes... My... Wes... We...s...
Alicia: !! My body...!
Berlin: We're going back to our original time! Now you won't be the one to die at Cape York... Alicia! Live on! I'll always be watching you!
Alicia: Berlin!!
Berlin: Now... it's time for our final task in this world!
Alicia: ...Yes... Got it...!

We did it!

Abdul: Mr. Joestar's right! To think you went into Dio's lair all alone...
Kakyoin: I'm glad you're alive... But everyone was really worried about you.
Cascada: .........
Polnareff: Mr. Joestar, there's no need to get so angry! She defeated Dio, so it all turned out fine in the end, right?
Joseph: ...But... All by yourself? I didn't think it was possible...
Abdul: Yes. Though it was reckless of you... We did make it out without any casualties, so we do have you to thank.
Cascada: Frankly, y'all would have held me back.

Cascada: ! No... it's nothing.
Joseph: I'm curious, though... what was Dio's Stand like? You must have figured it out!
Abdul: Yes, what was The World's ability?
Cascada: Oh, uh... it was weirdly just like Star Platinum. That's how I figured out how to handle it in a fight.
Jotaro: Hmm...
Cascada: It did have another special ability, though... it could stop time for a few seconds.
Kakyoin: !! What a terrifying power...
Cascada: I handled it somehow. If he could have stretched out its fingers, then we might have had a problem...
Jotaro: (Stop time... I wonder if I could...)
Polnareff: All right! I guess it's happily-ever-after for us now!
Kakyoin: Are you always so excitable? Oh, wait...

Credits! Again!

The more I play this game and poke around in the files and scripting, the more impressed I am.

This ending in particular nets us special interstitials of the cast. Kakyoin gets to actually go to school after being almost killed on his first day.

RPG Maker 2000 dips down to $2.50 on Steam several times a year. People still use it to make games. Maybe you can too!

We even get a cameo from the Morioh Boys. Some Tumblr types started to work on a 7th Stand User 2 taking place during Part 4, but they haven't posted any updates since 2024 and I was not terribly enthused with the demo they put out. I don't know if $100 a month on Patreon can match the power of a Japanese housewife's autistic hyperfixation.

Thinking about it, maybe adding color to 7th Stand User wouldn't be quite as difficult as it seems. Presumably you could "just" edit all the tilesets, since their placement data wouldn't change.

Abdul gets to live out his fortune-telling days in peace.

Even if you were making games in more modern versions of RPG Maker, there might be something to pursuing Game Boy style or otherwise antiquated sprites (like Scarmonde). It's an immediately readable aesthetic and I think there's some truth to the idea that limitations breed creativity.

Polnareff gets to go back to Europe, but some weirdo is watching him from the shadows...

The music in this game is actually pretty good. Because the tracks are all MIDI maps, they can sound completely different depending on the synthesizers and soundfonts you have installed.

Iggy didn't have to chew his own arm off. Maybe he can move to Vegas and use his sand powers to score at the casinos or something.

And thank you for reading.

As for me... I work as an ally of justice, snuffing out problem Stand users located by the Speedwagon Foundation.
Jotaro's currently traveling across the world making a name for himself in the field of marine biology.
Mr. Joestar's been slowing down due to his age and has entered a long-overdue retirement. I hear that he's come to Japan to take care of something... It'll be nice to see him again after so long.
Kakyoin, much to my surprise, became an elementary school teacher. His work brings him and Jotaro together quite often, so they've been chasing after a mysterious Stand-inducing bow and arrow...
Polnareff, who's still in France, has been investigating a drug trafficking ring while looking for the same bow and arrow. Looks like he still loves to get in above his head...
...But as long as Abdul's there, he should be fine. They're probably squabbling with each other somewhere as we speak. Not much has changed after all these years...
Speaking of, Iggy hasn't changed much either. At over 10 years, he's quite old for a dog, but he loves to make fools out of people all the same. He mostly hangs out with Polnareff these days.

...

Cascada: ...My day-to-day life has become very happy. But sometimes I still wonder... This "fate"... This "life energy"... Who is it for? Does my good fortune now come at the cost of another's? And if so, who is the unlucky person that has to shoulder the burden in my place?
Cascada: ...........But... my life now... It isn't just my own... but a treasure that I've inherited. ...This is my chosen fate... I've decided to live for today.

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

68 - Quick, JoJo, the FLIT!

2026-03-18T03:56:51.222Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we tried to get an ending where nobody died and fucked it up royally. This time, we won't fix it!

That'd take like a whole other playthrough.

Frankly it'd be a waste of everyone's time and energy.

What kind of freak would bother with that?

Certainly not me.

What kind of guy do you take me for?

I've been doing this for literally two years.

Every time I work on it, it reminds me that Cohost is dead and gone.

All I can see are the parts where I messed up or took shortcuts.

So I'm definitely not doing another playthrough.

Instead, we're going to kill God.

Cascada: I'M ALIVE AGAIN

Cascada: Good, that kid's finally getting some sense in her.

Upstairs, we have our new loot.

Each successive version of the sword appears separately on this back wall, if you were so inclined to be a certain kind of perfectionist.

Cascada: Fuck thiiiiis

Rather than different hair or glasses, "chubby"-type characters get this option.

Not a bad look, I guess.

...But Cascada still can't wear the Bunny Suit. She would be too sexy. And I don't really think it's her style anyway.

Better; she's got the whole Sukeban Deka thing going on. Fitting, since we're straight on the warpath this time.

Bradio: Sorry you have to clean up my mess.
Cascada: Nah, you did good.
Bradio: I died in a foreign country, I fucked up when trying to save everyone else, AND I never scored. How good could it be?
Cascada: I wouldn't be able to do it without you. Really.
Bradio: Alright, alright...
Cascada: I served, then you set. All that's left is the spike.
Bradio: Fuck 'em up.
Cascada: Way ahead of you.

Let's head on over to the Ghost House, then into the Sanctuary.

You can only get this far if Jotaro is over level 40.

This is an elaborate reference to the final boss of The Final Fantasy Legend, aka Makai Toshi SaGa, which 7th Stand User borrows from quite heavily. The battle sprite is pretty much straight from the Game Boy version, though the R Patch's palette is from the WonderSwan Color version.

The Creator is just as strong as Ultimate Being Cars and has immunity to almost all status effects. There's also some special scripting for if you use Stop Time against him: he's got a stacking 10% chance to be immune to it for each time you've completed the game. A pretty difficult fight, I'd say.

Or I would, but I've never actually slugged it out proper with the Creator. Why bother, when we have the so-called "God-Slaying Axe"?

Pay no attention to how I've gone from having 1 to 91 of them.

When Cars first uses his Light Blades in Part 2, the narrator gives this whole shpiel about how they work.

If you're playing as a certain player Stand, one of your moves is Chainsaw, and the Creator magically seals that skill at the start of the battle to prevent this very thing from happening. Unfortunately, Midler's Chainsaw attack is not factored into any of this.

The chainsaw weapon in The Final Fantasy Legend is meant to cause instant death as long as the user's Strength is higher than the enemy's Defense, but a programming bug causes it to be the reverse; it only works if the enemy's Defense beats the player's Strength. Which means it works perfectly well against the final boss and his maxed out stats.

Polnareff: It's done.
Cascada: What are we to do now?
Jotaro: ......
Kakyoin: Is there another world beyond?
Jotaro: Shall we go there?
Polnareff: It doesn't matter to me.
Abdul: Well, we didn't do too badly.
Joseph: That's right! We defeated all of the evil.
Cascada: Let's go!

And we enter...

I'm doing a Let's Play and that basically makes me an employee. And what better way to close out said Let's Play than a backstage tour?

The vending machine just there has most of the normal healing items but also Tonio's selection of top-shelf curatives.

This runs through every text box throughout the game where your specific player Stand has unique dialogue.

I like to imagine the kernel for Clayman making this entire game is that the Creator's sprite is just bizarrely similar to Speedwagon.

These doors all transport you to specific points in the game.

And these ones with the party members on them are for jumping straight to the epilogue.

The next room just has some useful NPCs from other JoJo arcs.

We can top off our money all we like.

The Debug Room has every Tarot Assassin in its random encounter pool, though it's already quite low.

We came here before Holly falls ill, on Day 0, so reversing time does nothing.

And a sound test. Sorry I never managed to set up music links for the LP.

We're good.

Cascada's playthrough was on a fresh save, while this one is NG+5 on my other file. She (or rather, Quicksilver) doesn't have any of these in the first place.

Next is the mangaka's studio.

I believe the joke boss fight against Hirohiko Araki here is the toughest enemy in the game and effectively impossible to win. You can try for yourself.

If we check the bookshelves...

These are our hints towards the Golden Ending. Maybe later.

This is useful if you want to get a specific person's ending... except if you're here, you can already just warp to whichever ending you want.

I believe this is specifically for Iggy's solo fight against Pet Shop.

It's only for the Debug Room, but let's roll with the Hot Girl Squad for now.

And take a glimpse at their movesets while we're at it.

It's neat that even these weird optional one-off party members have some unique skills.

Here's the character notes library.

Rainbow:

Likes and dislikes:
Likes: Sweet things. Dislikes: Bitter things. Can drink alcohol, usually cocktails. Is used to alcohol from working in a bar. Likes sweets like vanilla and chocolate, and considers things that are bitter like a poison.
Physique and characteristics:
Age is 20, around 165cm tall, and 69kg. While she looks soft, actually has a firm, muscular body. As good as Michael with his Stand, and he's as good as Dan in Street Fighter Alpha! Has the movements of a wild beast and the specs of a middleweight boxer. Rainbow is a good fighter, but her sense of fighting is wild, able to change her center of gravity in the air, and the trajectory of her jump. She'd be even faster if she didn't wear such an easily tangled outfit.
An amazingly resilient diet will do wonders for your health. Her chest size is big, unaffected by her muscles, resulting in a C cup. Of course I care about that stuff.
Stand Info:
Truth is, she can't manipulate her Stand, even after joining as a companion. Her Stand doesn't have an ego, rather it works on Rainbow's instincts to give her what she wants. The ability range is unusually long, on part with Justice. Unlike Justice however, it doesn't have to hurt you. As long as she's breathing, it can dull the mind. However, the more you hit her, the less binding it is.
Character analysis:
Simply put, a female Gian. [Iro's Note: I don't know what this means.] "What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine." Gotten into the habit of imitating a classy tone due to admiration of the upper class.

I chose not to do it with Bradio, but one of the more long-term Chaos Mode bits is getting Rainbow to join you on the whole journey. She's a bit more involved than Midler, joins against a few boss fights, and even has some unique endings.

Utah:

Likes and Dislikes:
Likes: Iron pots, stir-friend meats and vegetables. Dislikes: Nothing. Drinks Brandy. Likes it because he can make a quick meal out of whatever meat and veggies he can find on the spot when he drinks.
Physique and characteristics:
In his late 20s. Around 180cm, weighing 90kg. As muscular as 3 men combined, with black eyes. Without his Stand, is about as strong as Sakura from Street Fighter 3rd Strike. Fighting is his forte. He wouldn't want to fight to the death, there's no room for errors. Hard to beat in a physical fight.
Stand info:
Utah's Stand, like Wildhearts or Howlin' Wolf, is semi autonomous, with its own ego. Actually, Saints can talk, but hasn't spoken in front of Utah besides screams. Can't be controlled, but will follow orders. Saints usually appears whenever Utah thinks of his sister.
Character Analysis:
Utah is a "know-it-all, dies young" kind of guy. Hates the sin, not the sinner. Has experience horrible things himself, and has been wandering, hoping to find answers while traveling.

Dude if you're that strong you would probably make world records on the heavyweight boxing circuit even without your Stand. I probably would have liked the game to do a little more with him, but dying early on to up the stakes isn't bad either.

Freu:

Likes and Dislikes:
Likes: Meat. Hates: Vegetables. Drinks whiskey. Eats all kinds of meat, but only likes potatoes. It's not like he can't eat vegetables, but sometimes Utah has to force him to.
Physique and characteristics:
In his mid 30s, around 167cm, weighs 65kg. This tired, 30-something man won't offer you a smile, and they probably never will. Without his Stand, he's both weak mentally and physically. Could be beaten by an adult, or even a young boy or girl. He's slouched over due to years of bad posture and a bad back.
Stand info:
His Stand has no ego, and can't do anything unless manipulated into action. If a sturdy enough rock was chosen, it could withstand a punch from Star Platinum.
Character Analysis:
Typical punk, always demanding money so he can drink and gamble. Came from a good family. However, the failure of his parents' business led to a life of poverty. Hedonistic, self defeating, unmotivated, procrastinating.
Utah and the guy in sunglasses once offered him a job. He said no, saying it sounded like pity, and it'd be unbearable. Now he's still looking to mug people for some change in the alleys.

he just like me fr
except cooler since he has a stand

Joey:

Likes and Dislikes:
Likes: Margherita. Dislikes: Coriander and strong herbs. Likes to drink wine. Although his toxic parents forbade Margherita, he craves fast food pizzas. Also likes other junk food and sweets. Got addicted to drinking alcohol while hiding it from his parents. He was forced to eat herbs in every full-course meal, but although he dislikes them, it doesn't mean he can't eat them.
Physique and characteristics:
A man of Italian descent in mid twenties. Around 178cm and weighs 55kg. His black eyes tend to look large, but his pupils are fully dilated. Has a handsome aura, but also somewhat creepy. Unlike Freu, his physical and mental strength is very poor. He's so weak that a middle schooler could beat him in a normal fight. However, he is strong against the weak and has a high tolerance for gore, so his mental health is not affected by cruel acts.
Stand info:
It's alright to use naturally fallen hair as long as it still has its roots. The drawback is that the doll must be a humanoid in order for it to work. If the implanted hairs come off or the doll can no longer maintain its human form, the ability will be deactivated and it will collapse. Depending on their weight and number, the user will wear out rapidly. Moreover, most of the mook dolls that appear in the game are corpses that have been embalmed and coated in wax.
Character Analysis:
Being mentally broken by parental abuse, he can't distinguish between humans and dolls and considers them both "robots made of flesh." He is a psychopath who thinks of others as videogame NPCs and doesn't believe that they have ego or consciousness.
As a child, his hobbies were collecting insects and making taxidermy. His parents used him as a tool to fulfill their desire of reaching a higher status in society. But because of his lack of compassion, he couldn't blend in with others. His parents committed suicide out of despair, leaving him all alone.

Sorry, a tragic backstory isn't about to make me feel bad for this asshole.

Vins:

Likes and Dislikes:
Likes: Blood, meat, tomato. Dislikes: Garlic. Drinks rum. Basically, started fortune-telling for the purpose of getting a meal (via blood sucking). Feeds on the suicidal and men who try to lay their hands on her.
Physique and characteristics:
A beautiful woman who looks to be in her late twenties. But her real age is almost a century. Around 168cm tall and weight is unknown. Her face has been altered by her vampire abilities. She's a vampire, so even without her Stand, her fighting strength surpasses that of a normal person. Of course, she's not as strong as Dio, but can rip apart a human body with her bare hands.
In order to lure men, she has an excellent figure and her chest size is an I-cup that exceeds 100 centimeters.
Stand info:
"The ability to observe the world from a bird's eye view." To do so means to see the whole picture from a broader perspective. When used as is, the user warps into a room called an "observation room" via a leap into the sky. Then, they can observe the past and the future up close as if seeing a film frame-by-frame. Instead of warping, they can also use the force used for the leap as a gravitational pull when attacking, resulting in a high level of damage that cannot be achieved with the original ability.
By the way, the inspiration for this Stand ability was Gyro Zeppeli who appears in Part 7.
Character Analysis:
She regrets the mistake that she committed (swapping the babies). She holds deep feelings of guilty and wishes to repent, although she is too cowardly to convey the truth. But she is also a dangerous woman capable of doing many terrible things. A vampire who only feeds on the suicidal and criminals, but at the core of her being is a desire to be forgiven. It is because she has a strong sense of repentance stemming from her anxiety and remorse for her impulsive behavior.

I'm still weirded out by the "feeds on the suicidal" thing, not helped by the text here putting it on the same moral level as killing, uh, rapists? And even that part's kinda questionable? In real life, blaming victims of sexual assault for "asking for it" or whatever is obviously complete bullshit, but this game is going out of its way to establish Vins transformed herself a bodacious bod for the express purpose of being a honey trap. No moral high ground there.

Nice to have these all collated in one place. There's going to be a bit of overlap with the notes room we just saw, alas.

Utah:

When strapped for cash, he works as a bouncer to make ends meet. Despite his curiosity and desire to experience as many new things as he can, he's very hardworking and reliable. It is due to that curiosity that he ended up inadvertently learning of Vins' true intentions. The ever-loyal Utah traveled to Singapore to warn the protagonist, but was killed and zombified.
[Stand: Saints]
Emits a field of protective light that can be used to conceal oneself, absorb damage, and soothe wounds. It can also flap its wings rapidly to create gusts of wind, or shine brightly to blind the foe.

His Stand gives me "JRPG Main Heroine" vibes. Apparently Clayman tweeted out some extra info about Utah's backstory at some point, establishing that Saints was his sister's Stand that he somehow inherited after she died. Tracks considering what was written in the notes section, I guess.

Mask:

Appears after turning back from Dio's Manor. A self proclaimed bounty hunter covered in bandages from the neck up. Maybe you've seen him before... He wears a mask like Zorro, one of the most iconic characters in history, refusing to use a real name. Just like a certain equine you're thinking of, he won't go to confront Dio with you.
[Stand: Caliphate]
Described as a handgun which can fire endlessly, with no loss of ammunition, and decent fire power. As a side note, the term "Caliphate" is the title of the highest authority of the Islamic world. It's often translated as "Emperor", better known as "the prophet's agent".

I get why he's such a hidden optional character; it's probably a little awkward to include someone with a Stand so similar to a canon character like Hol Horse.

Rainbow:

A natural-born Stand user who is not yet aware of her Stand. A phony fortuneteller who uses hypnotism to make her "predictions" true, which keeps customers coming back. Though she makes a decent living telling fortunes, she was unable to resist the lure of Dio's generous cash offer, and headed to Japan to attack the protagonist by manipulating delinquents.
Incidentally, after the protagonist's departure, Joey forget to bring her on the plane, so she now passes her days in extorting people until she makes enough for the return fare.
[Stand: Bent Out Of Shape]
Can manipulate the part of the brain that governs inhibition. However, the affected party will only rampage blindly without some means of receiving orders. It has a very long range and effective radius, even among Stands, but any kind of physical or mental shock will quickly dispel its effects. Since Rainbow never knew of her Stand, she simply understood herself to be a hypnotizing genius, though in reality she's just an amateur. Actually, her true talents lie in martial arts.

She could probably become an all-timer pop idol with that powerset.

Silver Fox:

This billionaire and induced Stand user normally goes by the name Charlie Rich, and received this moniker due to his silver hair and narrow eyes. As he could have anything he wished for since the day he was born, he grew up to be an unmotivated and disinterested individual. To relieve his boredom, he spends most of his fortune on cheap thrills like gambling, and when he's at his most bored, he'll even partake in games of Russian Roulette.
After awakening his Stand, he gained an interest in Stand users, and decided to host a house party for the Slaves to Fate at his mansion, but the occasion was spoiled by a horde of zombies. Realizing at the last minute Vins was using him, he fled the zombies and the boulder to the attic and hid in terror.
[Stand: Unchained Melody]
Able to make a building escape-proof. This involves not only sealing all exits, but making walls, floors, and windows unbreakable. However, this power only affects the building, so if one can find soil or a waterway, it's possible to dig a tunnel or swim to the outside world.

A solid monster-of-the-week type Stand here. I could see this being just a random arc in the middle of Part 4 or Part 5.

Faith:

An apathetic man who works as an assassin for Dio. Discovered his Stand after being pricked by the arrow. Likes to ask rhetorical questions. Though not loyal to Dio, he deduced that working for him was the most advantageous scenario. He has no friends, or even acquaintances, but figures they'd just hold him back anyway.
He hates to be bothered and dislikes making conversation, so he usually spends his time drinking and smoking alone. He was an assassin even before discovering his Stand.
[Stand: Fireflies]
Can turn flies into giant, fire-breathing monsters. To trigger the Stand's effects, the user must apply burning cigarette ash to the insect. Instead of killing the fly, the heat turns into energy inside of its body, causing it to grow. After that, they're able to be freely commanded by Faith to attack one target. The fly will remain at normal size until in range of that target, then use its energy to grow large and attack with fire. Once the flame in its body runs out, the fly will die.

Not sure how you manage to wrangle the flies in range to transform them. This also creates a rationale for how physical attacks work against them in the game, since they're existing physical objects being transformed.

Michael Walker:

Executive of the Slaves to Fate. An 18-year-old boy and induced Stand user. He looks much older (about 30) which worries him. Deemed worthless by his relatives and bullied throughout his life, he went on a rampage upon awakening his Stand. After being persuaded by Sade in a chance meeting, he began to climb the ranks.
His Stand power is strong, but he is childish, hindered by overconfidence and lacking restraint. Sade professed her love and made him promise to protect her, locking him into gleeful obedience.
[Stand: Power Of Dreams]
A short-ranged Power-type Stand that can cause physical attacks to have the best possible outcome. In simpler terms, it magnifies the effects. For example, one can create a tornado just by swinging one's arm, or cause an earthquake by stomping the ground. Of course, there are limits - the outcome has to, at least hypothetically, be possible. One cannot jump so high that they can fly around.

If you don't think that last bit is possible with this Stand, you gotta expand your mind. Watch some wuxia movies.

Sade:

Induced Stand user and executive of the Slaves to Fate, who pulls the strings from behind the scenes while posing as a secretary. Using the bow and arrow, she recruited a large number of Stand users to form the group. Though Michael was her boss in name, Sade was the true ringmaster of the operation.
[Stand: Promise]
A short-ranged Stand that has the power to make promises come true. Once someone makes a deal with Sade, they become unable to go back on it. If one tries, their free will is overridden and they go berserk, acting automatically in order to fulfill it. The only way to get out of a promise is to take one's own life.
However, the more important the promise is, the weaker the Stand's influence becomes, and if the user dies, then all those under the Stand's control are released. In addition, only one promise at a time can be made with one person, so if another is made, the previous will be nullified. Basically, it's like this: Say she had Michael attack an opponent and pin them down. By promising not to kill them if they promise to follow her, they would be under her control.

I feel like this Stand isn't terribly well explained; the Slaves to Fate stuff doesn't quite work for me in general since we just don't get enough time to parse it all.

Henning:

An architect in Varanasi who was pricked by the bow and arrow, awakening a Stand without even realizing it. His hobby is drawing up blueprints and sketches of machines. When pricked by the arrow, he was so absorbed in his drawing that he didn't even notice and continued sketching away.
[Stand: Metalium]
Can assemble a miniature version of any machinery drawn on a blueprint and turn it into an automatic Stand. As Henning did not realize his Stand had activated, the miniatures rampaged around town without orders to follow. After noticing them, he was able to control them like RC tanks and helis. Destroying the blueprint will destroy any Stand created from it. There's no damage feedback to speak of, so in a sense, it's extremely powerful. However, the power won't activate from a copy, or if there are any mistakes in the blueprint.

Sure, you can't use a copy, but what's preventing you from copying something by hand? Dude just needs to wait until the War Thunder forums appear and start leaking.

Emilio:

An antisocial, paranoid young man. Discovered his Stand after being pricked by the arrow and began a rampage around town. His extreme persecution complex had him convinced that he was being judged and laughed at by people around him, and caused destruction as a means of lashing back at them.
[Stand: Chicken Shack]
Turns a chicken into a gigantic beast that can manipulate air. The Stand must be in contact to remain active, so it sits atop the bird like a saddle. It can move at high speeds, launch blasts of high-pressure air, shoot poisonous gas, and stomp foes with its huge talons. As such, its power is quite high.

Dude probably could have figured something out, even if he apparently needs a live chicken. He'd make a great courier.

Freu Maximus:

A vagabond from Hong Kong. Discovered a Stand when pricked by the arrow and started using it to extort money from passersby. In the beginning, he only vaguely understands how his Stand works, and attacks using brute force. Later, Vins teaches him how to better utilize it, and he climbs the ranks of the Slaves to Fate.
...Well, or so he thought, at least. In truth, he was disposable as far as Vins was concerned.
[Stand: Rinocerose]
Can build rocks onto itself to become a golem. The component parts become part of the Stand once assembled. The Stand itself is a humanoid that's only about Freu's size, and is quite weak for a Stand. Damaging the rock layer won't damage the user, but damaging the Stand inside will. In addition, only naturally formed rocks can be used - a golem made of any other material will take damage normally.

How much human processing counts before a rock is no longer "naturally formed"? I imagine perhaps bricks or concrete wouldn't work, but what about cobblestone? Gravel? What about a curling stone, which is really just a sanded down hunk of granite?

Mariska:

A bunny girl with strong racial prejudices. Discovered her Stand after being pricked by the arrow and used it to steal from the wealthy. Hobbies: taking care of animals & savoring others' misery. Favorite type of man: Abdul. Least favorite type: Kakyoin. Likes working as a bunny, but the added influx of rich male victims helps.
[Stand: Shocking Blue]
A Stand that can control and hide itself within water. Though tangible, it does not evaporate and can be damaged by other Stands. It uses the element of surprise to attack, and in fat cannot strike if the opponent isn't shocked. As it's fully automatic, it doesn't transmit damage to the user. Its control over water is not limited to simply moving it, but it can also raise the temperature to a boil, and shoot the scalding hot liquid like a high-pressure jet.
It can also climb into the body of a shocked opponent and control the liquid in their brain, clouding their judgement and warping their mind. Despite its strengths, it cannot take commands besides "surprise this person" and "attack the person once surprised" - everything after that is up to the Stand.

Weirdly elaborate for a Stand that shows up I think twice? I suppose you could say that about most of these original characters.

Don Cherry:

A shady underground broker of unknown age and nationality. He enlists the services of Devo and other assassins in his work. Hobbies: sunbathing, scrapbooking, & harassing his maids. Also likes to set up traps in his mansion to get a rise out of visitors. "Even massacres can benefit from a little humor," he explains.
[Stand: Dirty Work]
Able to create invisible blades suspended in the air. These blades can also create "slash energy" that remains after slicing. Though this energy disappears after a few minutes, it can be repelled by the Stand and used as a projectile. The Stand can itself morph into blade form and be used as a human-sized sword.

Nice and simple, though I'm realizing this game has a fair number of enemy Stands whose gameplay experiences amount to "some of these tiles damage you".

Joey Operetta:

An ostentatious businessman/closet otaku who likes to play dress-up. After being pricked by the arrow, was scouted out for Dio by Enya. Has no loyalty to Dio, instead working for cash. Heads to Japan to assassinate Joseph and Abdul while Kakyoin takes care of Jotaro. However, as he commanded his dolls to "kill Stand users that oppose Dio," they all go for the protagonist, who is closest, and fail.
He continues to pursue the group, but after goofing up his assassination attempts numerous times, he's finally deemed useless by Dio and is eliminated by the Egyptian God Stand users.
[Stand: Murderdolls]
Can use strands of hair to control dolls. There's no limit to how many can be controlled, and damage isn't transmitted to the user. Although this particular user has a fondness for dolls that resemble girls, any kind of doll can be used. The dolls have low precision, though this could be attributed to the user's inexperience.

Not only is he a huge creep but he also refuses to use his powers to make Gundam Build Fighters a reality. Rest in piss.

Kate Honeybee:

A nurse from Italy who is a Stand user from birth. Was scouted out by Enya and became Dio's underling. Is completely infatuated with Dio, believing that there is no greater joy in life than being of use to him. Likes: Honey. Hates: Monkeys. Hobbies: Sleeping.
[Stand: Alhirt]
A long-range, automatic Stand that takes the form of countless insects called Green Hornets. With the exception of the queen, defeating the bees will not damage the user. The queen hides in Kate's cap to create more worker bees.

Having both Kate and Faith in the game is some solid asset economy when it comes to enemy types.

Sweet Amber:

A girl who became infatuated with Dio and traveled to his mansion to be eaten, but was pricked by the arrow and awakened her Stand. Her pessimistic, depression-prone personality combined with her short fuse means she often runs from place to place as if in a panic. She speaks unusually quickly, and is hard to understand.
[Stand: Frantic]
This Stand's touch can induce psychological pressure in a foe by converting the impact force of its blows into stress. Enough of this pressure can cause ruptures and hemorrhages. Even the air particles it touches carry some of its effect, so just getting close causes your ears to ring. Its power is so strong that it can even affect itself, so it has safety valves around its head to suppress it. If they're opened up by damage, an explosion of feedback will be created.

I could not find an appropriate portrait for Amber and had to just jury-rig a solution. Bah.

Deja Voodoo:

An induced Stand user businessman who started working as assistant director of the Sundarbans radio station after being laid off from his job. As revenge, he used his Stand power to massacre all his supervisors at his old company by exhausting them to death, then was scouted out by Inc and joined the Slaves to Fate. He's an elitist who would mercilessly push around those in lower positions at his old job, which is why he was the first to go during the restructuring. His Stand power reflects that.
[Stand: Heavy Stereo]
Those who hear the tone it emits are suddenly overtaken by an acute feeling of exhaustion. The caterpillar-like Stand absorbs sounds around it and spits them back out. Those who hear the tones begin to feel extremely weary, their bodies start to feel heavy, and in extreme cases, even die from fatigue. Even if the Stand is defeated, its effects linger long after.

Same for this asshole.

DJ Inc:

A West Bengalese nature conservationist and radio personality who discovered his Stand while fleeing his war-torn hometown. After finding out from Raul that his town was a sacrificial pawn for the army, he vowed to use his Stand power to take control over the nation. Though he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, he acts as the eyes of his blind friend Raul and fosters his orphaned niece Alice, so it's hard to really say whether he's really evil.
[Stand: Lipps]
Able to bury its whispers deep into the sub-conscious. By burning certain words or phrases into the brain, it can be used for mind control. It can only be used at a hair's breadth away from the target, but in exchange, it's influence is incredibly powerful, and it can affect multiple people as long as they're in range. However, only one phrase can be burned in at a time, so it can't really be used for direct orders, and if the target is deaf or otherwise unable to listen, they won't be affected.
Originally, Lipps was one of the 18 Stands for the protagonist's use, but as it was too similar to Miracles, it was changed to a villainous Stand.

For reference, Miracles is the Long-range Control-type Stand, which manipulates people's brains with electrical signals. It notably has the only way of lowering the random encounter rate in earlier versions; I don't actually know what that ability does in the R Patch.

Raul the Blind:

A blind, West Bengalese musician who performs at the Sundarbans Radio Station. Discovered his Stand while fleeing his war-torn hometown. Because of his power, he learned that the army had sacrificed his town as a strategic maneuver, and that the military's top brass was secretly working with the guerillas responsible for the attack. After having a talk with his childhood friend Inc and letting him know the truth, they both resolved to annihilate the military in an act of vengeance.
[Stand: Synthesis]
Able to project any of his five senses like a radio signal. This way, though he's blind, he can borrow the vision of others to "see". Not only can he smell, taste, and hear things from afar, he can also project his own voice to distant ears. If someone else is touching the Stand or Raul, they too can project their senses. As long as there's a sense organ, that sense can be transmitted, so corpses or corpse parts can be used as an antenna. However, when receiving a signal, pain and damage will also be transmitted.

If it's also got the range of a radio, this is an insanely powerful Stand. Also would make for some great espionage opportunities.

Alice:

Inc's niece, an orphan who fled her hometown along with him and Raul. The shock of her family's death combined with her uncle's Stand awakening caused hers to awaken in response. The trauma of the incident caused her to develop a double personality. Her alter ego controls her Stand, and vows to get revenge on the world that took her family from her. Though normally a soft-spoken and mellow girl, her Stand consumes a lot of energy, so high-calorie food causes her to go into a frenzy and allows her other personality to take over.
[Stand: Sevendust]
Able to project itself onto physical objects, giving the object a worn-out and deteriorated appearance and the ability to attack with destructive energy. Though it's just a projection, and the object itself is unaffected, parts of the deteriorated image that fall off or crumble will become Stands themselves and can be controlled separately. Perhaps due to the fact that Inc is what spurred the Stand to awaken in the first place, if he gets too far away from Alice, the Stand will become dormant.

Alice VS Joey Gundam Build Battlogue

The Hospital:

In Ancient Egypt, a sanatorium was hit by repeated attacks. The patients' will to survive permeated the Aswan building itself. The Stand tries to keep the hospital rooms safe. It doesn't seem to care about any room without medical equipment or even the patients themselves. It doesn't mind repairs or equipment replacement.
[Stand: Live Capsule]
It protects the site of a haunted hospital. It sounds like a security system and eliminates people who don't listen. A strange case among Stands, where the main Stand itself is a remote, autopilot Stand. The main Stand is nearly imperceptible. It also repairs equipment in the hospital rooms. The Stand only cares about rooms with medical equipment in it. Even if the hallways and stairs were destroyed, it wouldn't repair them or counterattack. It's possible to stop the security system and the counterattacks, but destroying the Stand itself seems to be impossible.

I guess it wouldn't be the worst hospital to be in. No broken equipment!

Heymama:

A mysterious 300-year-old tree that grows in the desert, has no leaves, and yet bears fruit. These fruits are both enticing and supremely delicious.
[Stand: Black Eyed Peas]
Anyone who eats its fruit will have the moisture slowly sucked out of them by an automatic, long-ranged lizard Stand. As long as it bites once, it can continue to absorb moisture from any distance. If pursued, it can fight back by firing off some of the absorbed moisture like a water gun.

Who named this one, do you think? I mean in-universe.

That's a lot! I even skipped one or two whom we didn't encounter during either playthrough, so keep an eye out for yourselves.

These rooms have sprites from existing JoJo characters, cordoned off by which Part they're from.

Glad someone does.

In the corner we have Clayman's house.

And, uh...

You folks can find out what's hidden inside the Pig Toilet on your own. I gotta leave some things hidden, you know?

One last Debug Room feature.

Seeing all of them piled into a room like this is pretty cool. It reminds you how much work was actually put into this thing.

I'm not even sure where (or if) these card sprites are used!

Examining this shadow in the bottom left makes these eyes appear. I genuinely have no idea where in the game these are.

I'm pretty sure those "damage" sprites get used elsewhere; I believe during the Death 13 dream world sequence.

Cascada: Lookin' good.

That's going to wrap up our tour of the Debug Room. Tune in next time for the LP's final update!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

67 - Let Me Solo Her

2026-03-10T17:39:05.610Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we powered through the final boss rush to get some grub with Abdul. This time, we're loading a save before that happened to explore an alternate ending path.

We're back in Cairo, right before heading to Dio's mansion.

What happens if we pick this option?

Bradio: ...! Hey, you're not Steel! Did... did you call my name!?
???: Bradio... Please wake up... I'm waiting in room 606...
Bradio: ...Who... was that? It sounded like a little girl...

Alicia: My name is Alicia. In this childish form, the things I'm saying to you may seem unbelievable, but... At the same time, I implore you to listen.
Berlin: My name is Berlin. I've been watching your back this whole time as a member of the Speedwagon Foundation.
Bradio: This sounds sketc-
Berlin: I made sure Stroheim was called to Italy.
Bradio: ...Okay, a good start...
Berlin: I'm not your enemy... Relax. This girl is an orphan that Mr. Steel has been looking after since before she was even born. Her soul, in truth, is that of a woman who died 10 years ago... That of my lover.
Bradio: Now you're losing me...
Berlin: -frown-
Alicia: In the destined path ahead... Though I don't know the specific details... Many of your friends will perish.
Bradio: !...
Berlin: You might think you can change it if you try... but unfortunately, it's fact. There's nothing to be done. Their souls may live on, but that's it. They can't "break the rules" as we did.
Bradio: What do you mean?

Berlin: That's the circle of life.
Alicia: Don't-
Berlin: It rules us all...
Alicia: -sigh-
Bradio: ??
Alicia: I was able to use that energy... To animate this dead child's body and sustain myself through it. But those will-o'-the-wisps being born from people's souls is the universe's way of paying back for me using my power.
Bradio: ...So... You can only live by stealing the lives of others?
Alicia: ...Yes. After I died at Cape York 10 years ago, the Stand clung to this dead girl's body.
Berlin: ...That's when Mr. Steel found her and raised her until today. Unfortunately, Mr. Steel was murdered... Thankfully, his Stand was able to call me in time to save this girl, but...
Bradio: ...And? What do you need with me?

This ending path is unavailable unless the party's total FP is above 50; Cascada was sitting at 95 and Bradio's at 91 at this point. That's from playing with a guide open and making sure to do just about everything. 50 might be pretty tough if you're playing like a normal person.

Berlin: These are corpses of my construction.
Alicia: ............
Berlin: With our Stand power, we can revive up to three of these people at a time. Then, before the Joestars deal the final blow to Dio, only you can settle this whole mess.
Bradio: You can raise the dead!?
Berlin: I'm sure you met him... "Stroheim", at the port town in Hong Kong? Not to mention "Speedwagon" in Calcutta... "Dire" in Aswan... All of them were resuscitated by yours truly.
Bradio: ...!
Berlin: That is my Stand power. I can refine corpses into workable "bodies"... Mr. Steel adds in memories, or their "mind"... And once she adds a "soul", they're complete.

Bradio: How so?
Alicia: ......people... killed by...
Bradio: ?
Alicia: ...People... that are meant to be... killed... by Dio...
Bradio: Wha...
Berlin: There's no need for concern. Their deaths are already fated. People whose blood was sucked by Dio... People killed under his orders... Even people killed in traffic accidents... It's guaranteed that at least 3 people will die during this struggle.
Bradio: ...Y-you're kidding! You mean you want to exchange innocent people's souls for my friends' lives!?
Berlin: Calm down. As I said, there's no way to prevent these deaths.

We only get the following bit if we took the Submarine Route:

Raul and DJ Inc were also just callously manipulating human life for their own gains... though in a less altruistic way, certainly. Also I don't think DJ Inc ever actually says that specific line in the game (or at least, in the English translation), which blunts this a bit.

Obviously.

If you didn't meet Stroheim, Speedwagon, or Dire, they're also options here. If you went out of your way to kill Stroheim instead of simply avoiding him, then there's also one very special extra option that I'll leave you to discover on your own.

Why would you ever take Messina and Loggins??

If you do pick Yes here, it's back on the normal route. Forget that.

This whole path has a few divergence points. This is one of them.

Bradio: (Wish I'd taken Kakyoin's sunglasses...)

Bradio: I'll do my best.
Berlin: ......Fine.

What we've got here is a good old fashioned solo boss rush.

Deep Purple is a fairly solid Stand to tackle this with. It can't nuke everything like Quicksilver, but Contaminate is almost as good and it's got respectable Short-range damage.

D'arby the Younger can be a hugely annoying boss due to the MindRead status he inflicts automatically. It tanks our accuracy unless he's immobilized by another effect or we use all-target attacks.

Nothing too crazy, though.

Vanilla Ice also a boss we can shut down almost entirely with just one or two statuses. I think making status effects feel useful late into an RPG - and especially against bosses - isn't too common. Usually I wouldn't even bother trying to poison or paralyze an enemy like this. Respectable design at work in 7th Stand User.

Well, it's damage...

If you just happen to have another Red Stone of Aja in your inventory, it's a pretty strong Light-element attack.

Being a vampire, he's pretty weak to it. Bringing any of the Ripple-users from the morgue pretty heavily tips the scales of this sequence in your favor.

Bradio: Even if I screw up, the rest'll have an easier time...

Dio: Killing a skilled Stand user such as you would be a waste. Be it wealth, power, or fame, I can grant you whatever you desire. After all, you had no ties to the Joestars from the very beginning... What reason do you have to risk your life for their cause? Make your choice.
Bradio: ...The circumstances that brought me here... are unimportant. There's a man who would never use his powers to cause harm if he could help it... Another man who you put your flesh bud in, then hospitalized... An old man who loves to play pranks, an Egyptian who loves to tease, a hot-blooded man who risks life and limb to stop evil... Even a rude dog!

Dio: Hmph... And it is for that flimsy reason that you wish to oppose me, Dio, by yourself?
Bradio: ...I'm not going to stoop to your level of villainy. You fight only for the sake of evil. To crush those weaker than you beneath your heels... No matter what fate has in store for me, I will never stoop to that level! That is my answer.

The big man himself,

You don't get any opportunities to heal between fights, which might be difficult if I hadn't cheated like crazy to defeat Ultimate Being Cars.

Hey, that move we got from defeating Amber worked!

I feel a little bad...

Dio: Nobody can out-smoke me, Dio! No... bod...... y.........
Bradio: It's finally over...
Steel: Not yet it isn't... Things aren't finished until the book called The Path To Heaven is destroyed. It should be in a library in the basement. Destroy it, and everything will be decided!

Dio wasn't the final final boss before, why would he be now?

Bradio: You can't even stop time. What makes you think you can win?
Vins: I'll return fate to its natural course... I must!

Still not a threat.

Hey, maybe this thing is pretty good.

Naturally, you call out the name of whichever party member has the highest FP.

Polnareff: !!
Kakyoin: W-what!? That can't be true, can it!? Mr. Joestar!!
Joseph: .........The body was unmistakably his...
Abdul: Underneath the mansion were the remains of many of Dio's servants... As well as the headless corpse of Dio himself.
Jotaro: .........
Joseph: Under the bridge was Funky Party... And a woman, chador-clad and covered in blood...
Kakyoin: ...That... that's not...
Polnareff: I... I don't believe it!! It's probably just the lookalike that we found in the hotel!
Joseph: .........
Abdul: ...According to the forensics, the teeth and DNA are a perfect match... It's definitely Funky Party.
Polnareff: No... You're lying!!
Jotaro: .........
Kakyoin: ...Why... Funky Party... Why!? Why did you go alone!? Why didn't you tell us anything!?
Joseph: .........
Jotaro: ...I doubt we'll ever know it, but I'm sure there was a reason... A reason he risked it all... A reason he couldn't call us for help... No... A reason he didn't want us involved.
Kakyoin: ......
Polnareff: Wuh... wahhh...

Some days, you just can't get rid of a book.

By going it alone, all we've done is fulfill Vins' goal for her. The universe is on another go-around, even with Abdul, Kakyoin, and Iggy alive. We can't let it end like this, can we?

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

66 - Ice and Fire

2026-03-06T20:21:24.102Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we made the entire party stroke our sword while we lamented society. This time, we're going to kill that Dio guy again, but only after fighting his other lieutenant.

Mask, you were pretty alright for the brief period of time you were in the party. Midler... good riddance.

Polnareff: Who's this freak? He's definitely not normal! Can we just kill him!?
Joseph: Polnareff! Let's not jump to conclusions.
D'arby: My name is D'arby... Terence T. D'arby. I'm the younger brother of the D'arby you fellows incapacitated not long ago.
Jotaro: !!
D'arby: Now... Shall we make our way inside? Please, take off your jackets.

Indeed, D'arby lost thanks to his cat this time, which is before you even get his name. Reactivity!

Joseph: He was trying to cheat?
D'arby: Oh, certainly. My brother never gambled honestly.
Polnareff: All I remember is him losing a bet normally...
Bradio: So he just screwed up that badly?
D'arby: So it seems...

The rest of this continues as normal until we get the choice to follow D'arby into his weird hole. Rather, we simply do not get the choice this time...

Abdul: ! That's Mr. Joestar's voice! He's talking while in freefall!
Joseph: If you don't hear from us in 10 minutes... Burn this mansion down! Got it? Abduuuuuul...
Abdul: Mr. Joestaaaaaaar!!
Bradio: What should I do!?
Joseph: Be carefuuulll.... Polnareeeefffff....

We cut elsewhere in the mansion...

Dio: The Joestars... Truly believe that if they die to save that woman, then their lives wouldn't be wasted. I don't know about the dog and that boy I've yet to meet, but Kakyoin and the other two... What were their names?
Vanilla Ice: (Should I tell him? Or am I being tested...)
Dio: ...Ah, yes... Abdul and Polnareff are set on killing me even if they die trying... They believe that running from me, Dio, is tantamount to running from their destiny.... Such foolishness...
Vanilla Ice: .........
Dio: But foolish as they may be, those thoughts have some merit. D'arby, despite having sworn his loyalty, was not prepared to die for me... If he was, that battle may have had a different outcome... D'arby will never understand why he lost...
Vanilla Ice: .........
Dio: Ice. Look at the wound on my neck. With the blood of just one more person, I can heal this wound, making Jonathan Joestar's body completely and truly mine.
Vanilla Ice: .........
Dio: Ice... Are you willing to sacrifice your life-blood to me?
Vanilla Ice: Yes... It would be an honor.

Vanilla Ice is named after rapper Vanilla Ice, best known for his work on 1991's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.

Dio: At least use the door when you leave... His is the Stand that completely disappears from this world.

If this is the same room that we go into with Nukesaku later, then Dio had that door replaced in like, mere hours.

Polnareff: .........
Abdul: That goes for you too, Iggy. Don't take it the wrong way. This whole journey's purpose is for us to defeat Dio. Our own safety has to come first... So if I am wounded... You must promise to leave me behind. If we all die trying to save one person in trouble, nothing will come of it.
Both: .....................
Polnareff: ...Yeah... Got it... Abdul. If you come out alive, treat me to a nice dinner.
Abdul: ...I'll buy Iggy's as well.
Iggy: woof
Bradio: Is that a promise?
Polnareff: All right! Let's go! Funky Party! Abdul! Iggy!

Abdul: These flames can detect life. It can sense movement, breathing, and Stand energy... Let's follow it out of the maze.
Polnareff: Why are there 6 flames?
Abdul: To indicate front and back, left and right, and up and down. It can find anything in a 15 meter radius. Mr. Joestar was pulled underground... So let's go downwards.

Polnareff: What!?
Bradio: An enemy!?
Iggy: (Sniff! Sniff sniff!)

Polnareff: Woah!
Bradio: A person inside the wall!?
Polnareff: H-hey! Who the hell is this guy!?
Abdul: Eh!? Look around you, Polnareff!

The namesake of Kenny G (and his Stand Tenore Sax) is the noted saxophonist of the same name. The real Kenny G is best known for the song Going Home, played widely throughout China to signal the end of the business day.

The text on the wall in Charlie Rich's mansion back in Update 58 was a reference to this scene.

It's a bit hard to parse with the limited sprites, but the idea is that Abdul shoved Polnareff and Iggy out of the way, and then Bradio shoved Abdul out of the way.

Bradio: ...Abdul!? Are you okay!?
Iggy: -pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant-
Polnareff: Abduuuuuuuuuuuul!!

Vanilla Ice: ...Tch. Missed...
Polnareff: Hey, you!! Is this your doing!?
Iggy: Nngh...
Vanilla Ice: That's right. Inside my Stand's mouth... Well, even I don't know where it goes to... It's a dimension of pitch darkness... I sent his flank there. You two are next... I have to change your minds... about defeating Lord Dio...

^ This screenshot right here is why JoJo's Bizarre Adventure rules, I think.

Bradio: B-but!
Polnareff: With those wounds, he'll just hold us back! This time... It's my turn to protect Abdul! Go! Funky Party!! Rrrraaaaaaauuuuuuugghh!!
Vanilla Ice: ......!? What...?

Bradio: I'll have to hide him in the greenery for now... That enemy could take out Polnareff and Iggy in the next instant... Abdul... I've called a Speedwagon Foundation ambulance by radio. If I don't come back... Burn the mansion before sundown...

In the original manga, Abdul gets straight-up vaporized by Vanilla Ice during the previous scene. Saving him here proves we're currently on his FP route.

Polnareff: Funky Party! Let's go! We need to get upstairs!! How's Abdul!? Is he all right!?
Bradio: (...Abdul's right outside... If I tell him he's alive, he might be in danger...! I'm sorry about this, Polnareff...)

That's right, folks. Going on Abdul's route means we gaslight Polnareff into thinking his own recklessness got Abdul killed a second time.

Bradio: O-okay!
Iggy: -pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant-
Polnareff: (I've got it! He probably needs to make a hole in the wall to get in here! Now that I know that, I'll kill him the moment he shows his face!)
Polnareff: Come out wherever you are! Bastaaaaaaaaard!! I'll cut you to pieces! Killing Abdul has only made my Chariot faster in its rage!
Iggy: Nnnnnnngh...
Bradio: (Where... where will he attack from....!?)

Polnareff: Whaaaat!? He was... in the cracks...!
Both: !?
Polnareff: Chario-...!

Polnareff: Funky Party! Iggy! Over here!
Vanilla Ice: So... You hid yourselves in this rubble? How utterly pointless... Polnareff can't get very far with that foot. ...He must be under one of these rocks...

Vanilla Ice: Please be careful! Polnareff... the dog... and the other human are hiding here somewhere. I implore you, let me take care of this... There's no need for you to be here.
Dio: ............

Polnareff: Damn it, damn it, damn it! He saw right through it!
Bradio: Shoot... I knew he wouldn't mistake a face that close up...!
Vanilla Ice: ......There's sunlight in this room... The real Dio would never show his face here.
Polnareff: Iggy!!

Vanilla Ice: The real Lord Dio trusts me! He said it himself! He would never come down to the 2nd floor! Never!
Polnareff: Mayb-
Vanilla Ice: NEVER!
Bradio: Iggy!
Polnareff: (This is bad! He's gonna kill Iggy! He's gonna send him to the dark dimension)
Vanilla Ice: How dare you! You damn dog! You made me harm Lord Dio!

Bradio: !?
Polnareff: (W... what!? He punched him! ...He has the power to just erase him! Why do that, if not to kill him!?)
Iggy: Rrugh...
Vanilla Ice: How dare you! How dare you impersonate Lord Dio! How dare you make me attack him! I'll kick you to death! You stupid fucking animaaaaal!!

Polnareff: S... Stop it...!
Polnareff: (Vanilla Ice... This guy's crazy! He's pissed off because he attacked the fake Dio!? The real dark dimension is inside his heart! It's nothing but a pitch black void in there!)
Vanilla Ice: How's that!? How's that!? Take thaaaaaat!!
Polnareff: Stop iiiiiitttttt!! Vanilla Ice!
Vanilla Ice: What's thaaaat!? I'll kick the shit out of you, too!

If Polnareff doesn't already have this move, this is where he learns it; specifically it's when Vanilla Ice makes the comment about how Silver Chariot suddenly has more range than before. It's his only Long range attack.

Eh. S'okay.

I'd forgotten at this point that I'd cranked up Bradio's stats to fight Ultimate Being Cars, rendering all the normal bosses fairly trivial. Oops.

Vanilla Ice is meant to be pretty dangerous, but he's also extremely vulnerable to a couple status effects, specifically Berserk (which makes narrative sense). If he's only swinging physical attacks then he can't bust out his stronger moves.

Vanilla Ice also one of those annoying enemies who warps to ?-Range, becoming untargetable.

Yes, by all means, enter Short range where Deep Purple has its maximum damage capacity.

If you don't beat him here, things go according to the manga where Iggy uses his last breath to fake-out Vanilla Ice long enough for Polnareff to land the final blow.

Polnareff: Open your eyes, Iggy! I'm gonna get you to a hospital!
Iggy: .........
Polnareff: ......Iggy? Hey... Hey, Iggy! Hey!
Bradio: .........
Polnareff: Iggyyyyyyyyyyyy!!

Bradio: Iggy...
Bradio: You stole my shawarma once... but it WAS pretty funny...
Polnareff: .........Anyway... I need to climb those stairs and get to Dio... We don't have time to sit and cry our eyes out... C'mon, Funky Party!!
Bradio: ...Yeah... Got it. But first... Here's a handkerchief...
Polnareff: .........Ngh... Waaah... -sob- Waaah!

With Vanilla Ice firmly put down, we move to the scene that reconnects with the D'arby route.

Bradio: T-that's... Dio!!
Polnareff: So we finally meet again...
Dio: Congratulations, Polnareff. You've finally avenged your sister and managed to cross the Far East to get here without dying...
Polnareff: If you want to give me a present, then give me your life!
Dio: Hm hm hm... You get one chance. If you wish to join me, step down... Your friend may come as well. There's no need to squander such a young life.
Bradio: !?
Dio: However, if you wish to die... Then climb the stairs.
Polnareff: ...When I first met you, I felt fear from the very depths of my heart. I submitted to your cursed strength... Thus began my life as a lapdog... A fate worse than death!! A life where satisfaction was synonymous to being used by you...

We already know now that The World can stop time, which means Dio actually could have killed Polnareff and Bradio at any time. He is simply so smug that he'd rather fuck with them like this first.

Bradio: ......!!
Polnareff: What's going on!? I definitely went up just now!
Bradio: I'm... I'm right where I started again...
Polnareff: W-what did he do!? Is this a Stand!? Is it possible... Is it Dio's Stand, The World!?
Bradio: W... what's happening!?
Dio: Polnareff... and... Bradio, was it? Have you ever thought... about what humans live for?

At least it's not Human Instrumentality. Feels like a genuine 50/50 coin flip sometimes for an anime villain's plan to just be Human Instrumentality.

Bradio: I've got to at least be prime, not choice...
Polnareff: ......Nngh...
Bradio: (This pressure... It's chilling my spine...! It feels like every breath could be my last...)
Polnareff: (Could... could he be right!? Could my body have submitted to him against my mind's wishes!? This is bad... I have to hold on! ...Abdul... Iggy... Give me strength!)

Now we've properly caught up to where the paths reconnect, and I can feel okay about fast forwarding until we get to new stuff.

We climb the stairs and return to where Nukesaku opens the coffin.

Joseph: (Yes, I've known him well... Known him from the very time I was born... Even Jotaro, since he took his first breath, knew of this destiny... As Joestars, we knew the day would come where we would meet Dio...)
Kakyoin: (I have no regrets... This journey up until now... The events that are about to occur... I won't regret any of it.)
Polnareff: (Right now... This sensation... I am in the light... Dio is the dark! Mr. Joestar is the light! It's as clear as night and day! Though I'm injured, I'm overflowing with courage. I am on the path of light!)

All 18 Player Stands have their own monologue here, and there are also variations based on certain Chaos Mode events we didn't get.

On Abdul's route we're forced to flee with Joseph and Kakyoin, like Cascada did.

WILSON PHILLIPS 2028

still probably less problematic than the current administration

We could absolutely just kill Dio here with minimal fuss, but that wouldn't let us see Abdul's special sequence, and we can't have that.

There's also one more special event we can only get by going through the game in the particular way we did this time...

Bradio: I knew I paid that Mask guy for something!

Every turn during this fight only, there's a one-in-three chance he snipes at Dio from afar. It's pretty piddly damage, ranging from 10 to 50, but it's free.

Alas, we still need to flee here for Abdul's sake.

You can even see the extra sprite in the alleyway. Fun detail.

If you've only watched the David Production JoJo anime, it's worth going back to watch the 1993 OVA by Studio A.P.P.P. (not the 2000 one). It's got a distinctly horror-adjacent vibe to it compared to the newer anime's energetic bombast.

Alright, keep it moving.

TOO FAR REWIND

Jotaro: Finally... -pant- -pant- That was close... Too close... But I finally did it... I got him...
Dio: How... This is... impossible! My legs... They're... powerless... I can't stand up!
Jotaro: ...............
Dio: My head is killing me... I-I think I'm gonna puke...! U-urgh... How could this be!? Why do I, Dio, feel so horribly ill!? Is it because... that Jotaro damaged my head so considerably!?

I kinda wish Dio had extra vulnerability to fire in the upcoming boss fight. Let's just collectively pretend that he does, for narrative effect.

Dio: U... unununu... I just... have to get over there... I can make it this far... Unununu... Time... resumes...

I don't know that I would've included "unununu," that reads to me as just generic grunts of exertion rather than an actual vocalization like "ora" or "mudah."

Jotaro once again pummels Dio so hard he flies offscreen.

Jotaro: Abdul...!
Bradio: ...I-if Abdul hadn't come... I'd be a goner, too...
Dio: That Vanilla Ice... all he could kill was A DOG!?

The event scripting here causes Abdul to take 200 HP damage and start Bleeding when he walks onstage... but also fully heals the party immediately before the boss fight? That second part might be the R Patch's doing.

Regardless, this is one of the easiest versions of the Dio boss. We're catching him off-guard and half-beaten, so he starts with the Fear status and is down 2000 HP along with The World.

Bradio is still super tanky from the Ultimate Being Cars incident.

This particular Time Stop attack isn't too common! I'm glad we get to see it.

Like Pet Shop's ice missiles and some other adds we've seen throughout, the knives are considered separate enemies who have a single self-destruct attack. There are actually four separate "Knives" enemies to account for the different sprites.

Also, because Jotaro's equipped with Star Platinum: The World, he's immune to Dio's Time Stop. Dio is accordingly immune to Jotaro's.

Nice.

Time is stopped, most of the party is completely vulnerable, and Dio can't do shit. I'm picturing him futilely wailing on Bradio with full power with absolutely zero impact while Jotaro looks on confused.

Dio drops in the most ignoble way possible...

Reduced to zero from a damage-over-time effect, courtesy of Abdul's flames. Still in the stopped time, no less! Dude snaps from shouting his Stand's name in a battle-cry to flat on the ground in a single frame.

Jotaro: Nice job.
Abdul: He put up even less of a fight than you did in your jail cell.
Jotaro: Heh. Give me a break...

Bradio: Yeah...
Joseph: Dio has taken so much... So many lives... So many people...
Jotaro: Too many to count... So many things we'll never get back...
Joseph: Yes... Far too many... So many important people... That which we've lost can't be compared to the safety of our planet... But... If not for them... If not for them, we wouldn't be here now...

Abdul: A third of my internal organs no longer exist in this dimension... I would like to return to the hospital...
Polnareff: I no longer have toes on my left foot...
Jotaro: I had to literally kill and revive myself back there.
Joseph: I guess a hole in my windpipe is pretty minor in comparison!
Bradio: .........

Bradio: .........I never scored.

Moving on...

Vins: Oh... So you know of me? Then you also know what I am, no doubt? Please hand that book over to me... If you don't... I'll turn you both into zombies.
Alicia: Berlin...
Berlin: .........Damn it!!
Vins: Hm hm... Now that's a good girl. In return, I won't turn you into zombies... I'll let you die with dignity.
Berlin: What!?
Alicia: .........Just who are you?
Vins: ......Funny you ask... Well, I suppose I may as well tell you one interesting tidbit before I kill you.

Vins, we simply wouldn't have any issue with you if you decided to go after only white supremacists instead of, uh, this entire reality.

Vins: Fate ordains that Dio must die today. Fate ordains that Jotaro must find the book. And fate ordains that "he" will restart it...
Berlin: H-how do you know all this!? Can you tell the future...!?
Vins: It's a long story... This whole time, I've been "observing" destiny. That's Hanoi Rocks' true power... To observe the course of fate... From this world, to the next, to the one afterwards...
Berlin: How is that possible!?
Vins: Do you know what a phenakistoscope is?
Alicia: N-no...
Vins: -sigh-

Alicia: Um... what IS a phenakistoscope...?
Berlin: (whisper, whisper)

Vins: My poor Wes, who was dead before dawn... I'll use the mask to make both of us vampires! But I was dropped off in 1989... A moment too late. I figured I could turn the phenakistoscope once more and try again, but I couldn't do so. There's another observer in this warped world... Someone whose purpose is to see this world run its destined course from start to finish... And because of them, I cannot leave this place...

Bradio: (That about sum it up?)
Cascada: (Yeah.)
Bradio: (Okay cool.)

Alicia: Bradio!
Vins: Rip their bodies to shreds! Hanoi Rocks!!
Bradio: Shroud them! Deep Purple!

Alright, no need to belabor this.

I guess we should use our new toy at least once, too.

Each stage of the Emerald Sword basically activates a different skill from elsewhere in the game. For example, after Joseph fills it with Ripple, the sword's move is equivalent to the Metal Silver Overdrive skill. The Godly Emerald Sword without the Red Stone uses the Iai Slash attack that several bosses have used against us.

At this maximum level, the Sword of St. George uses Cars' Light Blades skill, which does heavy damage on all enemies with the chance to OHKO them or inflict Bleed.

...I mean, if you were playing like a normal person and not cheating like crazy, this'd be pretty great for an unlimited use item.

I've never had this option before! It's Chaos Mode only, and requires you not only to have the GER Disc in your inventory but to have a certain amount of Surplus Fate Energy.

GER refers to "Gold Experience Requiem", the final power-up for Part 5's protagonist. If you asked me what exactly it does, I don't think I'd necessarily have a good answer for you? But the generally accepted one-line explanation is that it can "nullify" anything, including abstract concepts like "willpower" or even death itself. It's why Diavolo is wandering around in every map, dying over and over but never really dying.

Running up on the character limit there...

...If I'm interpreting this right, we just sent Vins to some kind of never-ending sub-existence where her infant son is before her eyes but forever unreachable? That's... a lot crueler than I thought it would be. Alternatively, maybe being together forever with her precious child is what she always wanted in the first place.

As ever, Gold Experience Requiem makes no goddamn sense.

Steel: That's my cue... This is goodbye for me as well... Thank you... Bradio... When we go back, we won't retain any memories of what happened in this world, but... my feelings for you... will be etched into my soul...
Bradio: We didn't really talk much, but I did appreciate it.
Steel: No problem. I knew you could handle things on your own.
Bradio: Well, shucks...
Steel: When I disappear... This world's timeline will also return to normal... Even I don't know what will happen, but I'll say this...

Bradio: ...Universe dangles a literal vampire MILF in front of me then yanks her away... this sucks.

Joseph: So you're sure you want to go back to France, Polnareff? You don't have family there... Why not come with me to New York?
Polnareff: Mr. Joestar. Regardless of where my family is, France is still my homeland... I have many fond memories there that I'd like to relive... No matter where life takes me, I'm bound to return there eventually. It's home. But if you need anything, give me a call. Wherever I am in the world, I'll come running.
Joseph: ...It's gonna be lonely.
Polnareff: We had some trying times... But it's been fun. Since I was with you... it was a great adventure.
Joseph: Yeah... It's been fun... I really mean it...

Hol Horse: Whew... glad they didn't notice us...
Boingo: My... my... pre... predictions are... 100% accurate!
Hol Horse: Alright, Boingo... Once your brother's better, we'll hit the stock market!
Boingo: .........I-I never.... thought about that...

And now it's time for the Abdul epilogue!

This means that Bradio went back to Japan the next day after Jotaro and Joseph, not that he flew back to Egypt the day after landing in Japan. Ambiguous language!

Abdul: I am sure that even years from now, I'll remember EVERY DETAIL.
Bradio: Why do you keep saying it like that...?
Abdul: It's only natural to recall life or death situations, is it not?

Abdul: .........Hey, Bradio.
Bradio: What is it?
Abdul: ...I don't care how many years it takes... Someday... come see me again in Cairo. And bring everyone with you!
Bradio: ......Yeah! Of course I will!

Bros to the end.

Bradio: And yet it hasn't even been 6 months since then...
Jotaro: Is Abdul coming to pick us up?
Joseph: With any luck...

Bradio: I told you we'd come and visit!
Jotaro: Sorry to bother you.
Abdul: Jotaro! Funky Party! Polnareff! It's good to see you're all well!
Joseph: Sorry you've gotta put up with us some more! We're really just coming for sightseeing this time, I swear!
Abdul: Well, it's a busy time of year, so it certainly won't be boring.
Bradio: I'm looking forward to that nice dinner you promised us, Abdul!
Polnareff: Yeah, you'd better not have forgotten!

Playthrough No. 2 over! We did it!!

As you clear the game more times, the characters in the Dev Room rotate and start having new snippets of dialogue.

Too bad you don't have more going on other than being a Big Scary Guy.

We'll learn more about Freu soon.

Way ahead of you!

Also way ahead of you! Take that!!

AND YOU!!!

There's a Hol Horse ending somewhere in there, but it has a laundry list of strict requirements.

Let's talk to Steel one last time.

And now, finally and truly, the second playthrough is over. But the Let's Play still isn't, not quite. I've got just a couple more updates worth of content to show off, like... what if we want to save everybody, not just Abdul?

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

65 - Cheating a Dragon

2026-03-03T16:44:47.016Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we watched Hol Horse try and fail to perform nasal surgery via pistol. This time, we tackle one of the game's most infamous sidequests.

There are no bespoke FP events once you get to Cairo, so unless you're grinding them out for Iggy, the ranks are pretty much set in stone.

We can't actually begin the sidequest I mentioned until after we deal with Pet Shop. Even so, I walk around the map and prod at things a bit.

This combination attack implies Abdul is always holding back as to not cause collateral damage, which I guess makes sense. If JoJo had been widely popular when I was in school, there probably would've been power scaler arguments on if he'd win against Colonel Mustang from Fullmetal Alchemist.

He would, obviously. Magician's Red has fine control over all fire.

Remember, we trigger Pet Shop by entering and exiting the inn enough times.

There we go.

There are no differences here other than a notable Chaos Mode event in the sewer segment. Alas, we're already disqualified from getting it due to the prerequisites involved; you need several other Chaos Mode things to trigger throughout the playthrough.

Last time we ran from this battle to get to said sewer segment. Current Iggy can take this chicken though.

Iggy's Durability stat is innately pretty low, but he also has a uniquely powerful Guard command that's twice as effective as anyone else's. You probably don't want to be guarding in the first place in this kind of game though.

In most turn-based games, guarding tends to feel like a waste of a turn; killing the enemy one turn faster is almost always the better choice. The classic way to encourage its use is to telegraph that the enemy is charging up some kind of huge attack that will fuck you up next turn. Guard or die.

From a certain point of view, you could argue that both healing and guarding fulfill a similar purpose of "preventing HP loss", but healing tends to feel better than guarding. In my opinion, healing is a more active action with immediate feedback. You generally know your HP and can quickly math out how effective restoring it is.

Guarding is more opaque. You probably reduced the damage you took, but by how much? Is it by more than the net gain of spending a turn healing afterwards? And If the enemy doesn't even attack that turn, you've wasted your own.

In Shin Megami Tensei's Press Turn battle system and its derivatives like Persona's One More, you gain extra actions by hitting enemy weaknesses, causing turns to snowball; but they can do the same to you. Guarding prevents this effect, making it a bit more useful than usual. However, ideally you simply build your party in such a way where your weaknesses are covered.

A simple variant is to give the Guard some kind of additional beneficial effect so it has extra utility, like a self-buff, a counter-attack, or a Tank/Cover function. Bravely Default's "Default" command reduces damage taken and increases your Brave points, which let you stack extra turns on top of each other for big actions later.

Infamous SNES RPG The 7th Saga tried to deal with this problem by doubling your physical attack the turn after guarding. In theory, your average damage inflicted stayed the same, but your average damage taken was reduced. In practice, many enemies had high enough Defense of their own that they couldn't be effectively damaged without guarding.

7th Stand User doesn't really do any of that. You're far better off just buffing your stats.

Bradio: Hey, if it isn't Kakyoin!!
Joseph: We missed you!
Kakyoin: It's good to see everyone unharmed.
Abdul: Hey, are you sure your eyes are okay!?
Joseph: Have they healed?
Kakyoin: Yes, they should be fine... There's some scarring, but my vision's as good as new.
Jotaro: .........
Kakyoin: I feel a bit disorientated, though. By my count, Miss Holly has 20 days left, but the doctors said...
Bradio: Oh, uh, yeah, I'm not sure what happened myself...

We needed to defeat Pet Shop first because we can't do this sidequest without Kakyoin in the party.

With Kakyoin in tow, we...

Go to sleep.

Bradio: You mean this rusty old thing? Now that I look at it, it's the same color as your Stand!
Kakyoin: Yeah, emerald... It's an extremely precious gem. Though this is rather old...

This should just be "Can I take a look?" because if you answer "Yes" to "Do you mind?" it means they shouldn't do something!

Bradio: !?
Kakyoin: W-what!? T-this glow...
Bradio: It absorbed your Stand power!?
Kakyoin: ...It seems so, but my Stand is unaffected... I think it'd be more accurate to say that it mimics the power of whichever Stand touches it.
Bradio: Could it be... the Stand of Anubis...!?
Kakyoin: Anubis?
Bradio: One of the 9 Egyptian God Stand users could control the wielder and gain their power... But you seem okay?
Kakyoin: When was this?
Bradio: While we were at the hospital in Aswan. They filled me in from Edfu to Cairo.
Kakyoin: Yes, I think I'd know if something like that happened... Perhaps it's a guardian angel rather than an enemy? It's certainly puzzling... But if it absorbs Stand power, then I bet that it can cut Stands as well.

If this sword absorbs the power of Stands, then the next step is obvious: get the whole squad in on it.

Polnareff: Oh, you're still lugging that weird sword around with you?
Bradio: You mean the Emerald Sword?
Polnareff: Emerald what now?
Bradio: Well, the blade is the color of emeralds, so I decided to name it that.
Polnareff: Oh, I see... But what if it's Anubis? Let me take a look at it.

Polnareff: W-what!?
Bradio: I-it absorbed it again...
Polnareff: H-hey! This sword is seriously suspicious! It's not too late to throw it in a river or something! Anubis could be hiding in there!
Bradio: Look, this isn't going to threaten your position as our Sword Guy. I know that's very important to you.
Polnareff: P-promise?
Bradio: Well, it didn't hurt you, right? I want to try it out a little more...
Polnareff: ...But will you be careful? There's got to be something up with it!

The game asks you every time if A) you want to show the sword to your party member (obviously yes), and B) if you want to destroy it after it absorbs their energy (obviously no).

Abdul: Hm? That sword...
Bradio: You mean this Emerald Sword?
Abdul: After fighting Anubis, I should be worried, but... There's something quite intriguing about it. Could I try touching it?
Bradio: Sure. Maybe use your Stand, just to be safe.
Abdul: I'll let my Stand grab it...

Abdul: ...Hm! It's just as Kakyoin said. But it didn't feel as if it stole my strength away...
Bradio: The sword is sheathed in fire...
Abdul: Stand's fire, no less... They don't seem as strong as my flames, but you could probably launch fist-sized fireballs. What do you want to do? It's really quite suspicious... It may be safer to get rid of it.
Bradio: Well, it didn't hurt you, right? I want to try it out a little more...
Abdul: I see. Still, be careful...
Bradio: How much more dangerous could a flaming sword be than a sack full of nuclear warheads?

Joseph: Hey, Funky Party, about that sword...
Bradio: You mean this Emerald Sword?
Joseph: Yeah... I wanna see what happens if it absorbs my power. Since my Stand power is watching things from afar, I was curious as to what effect it would have. Could I borrow it for a sec?
Bradio: Sure thing, Mr. Joestar.
Joseph: All right, let me try wrapping it in my thorns...
Bradio: Nothing happened.
Joseph: Huh... I guess it only absorbs battle-related Stand powers?

Joseph: !! T-this quivering...
Bradio: This is...
Joseph: I see... So it can absorb Ripple energy as well... It's more amazing than I thought. Funky Party... If it's okay with you, could I buy it? It's suspicious, but this could be very useful for helping normal people fight Stands. If I handed it over to the Speedwagon Foundation, it'd be indispensable... What do you say?

Bradio: I'm really sorry, but...
Joseph: Oh... I'm disappointed, but I understand. It might be very useful in the battle against Dio too, after all.

Older releases of 7th Stand User have random bedtime events. You would have to sleep at the inn over and over until the pertinent conversation triggered. And it's not like you can just try with each party member until it works; the sword has to be charged up in a specific order. If it weren't for the R Patch giving special bedtime events priority, I simply would not be doing this quest.

That's right; Kakyoin again. Imagine thinking he was done and trying with Iggy or Jotaro hundreds of times.

Kakyoin: Funky Party... About that sword...
Bradio: You mean this Emerald Sword?
Kakyoin: Yes. Could I take another look at it? It's already absorbed my Stand power, but I think it may be able to absorb more still... Could I borrow it for a second?
Bradio: Go ahead.
Kakyoin: Thank you. ......Hmm......

Bradio: T-that's Emerald Splash's power...
Kakyoin: Does this sword have no limit to what it can absorb...!? Perhaps it really is the same type of Stand as Anubis! Funky Party! Let's destroy it... If the wrong person got ahold of it, it could end very badly.
Bradio: Are you saying I'm the wrong person?
Kakyoin: I, uh, well...y-... n-no...?
Bradio: Sorry, Kakyoin...
Kakyoin: ......I understand. But keep that thing safe.

The sword is always a usable battle item, but its specific effect changes every time it absorbs energy. A better man than I would have shown off every step.

Jotaro: Funky Party, what's the deal with that bizarre sword?
Bradio: ...The Emerald Sword?
Jotaro: Yeah... I want to check with Star Platinum how it's different from a normal blade. Hand it over a sec.
Bradio: Go for it.
Jotaro: Thanks.
Bradio: But Jotaro, if your Stand touches it...
Jotaro: Yeah, I know. I won't touch it. Star Platinum's vision is more accurate than a microscope, so I don't need to.

Jotaro: J-just what is this thing...!?
Bradio: D-do you think it did that on purpose to gain your power!? Is it really the same type of Stand as Anubis? Is it an enemy!? But why would Utah have this thing? He's not allied with Dio or the Slaves to Fate... Just what's going on!?
Jotaro: Funky Party. What should we do?
Bradio: I'm keeping it, obviously!
Jotaro: .........All right. But that sword's already absorbed a considerable amount of power. Be careful it doesn't fall into the wrong hands.

Imagine saving and loading like fifty times to get this event, then clicking "Yes" out of habit. That's rubbing up against Evil game design.

Iggy: !? ...R-ruff ruff! Ruff!
Bradio: T-the blade's completely ruined... Did it absorb more power than it could handle? It feels like it'd shatter if I swung it again...

This version of the sword is pretty solid, but it will permanently break if you use it more than once or twice. You'll have to start from scratch by getting a new one from Utah.

With this final step (that apparently has an absurdly low chance of occurring without the R Patch), we get the Godly Emerald Sword... which is like, fine. Certainly not worth the trouble.

Also, this is a trap option. There's a way to go even further beyond...

First, a reset. We need the Broken Sword.

You want to bring your strongest possible setup for this. You need your strongest possible setup, and for us that means the power to Stop Time.

Next, we head for the Northwest corner of the Cairo map.

Let's get a drink.

This mysterious mercenary only appears in Cairo if you managed to persuade Hol Horse when he attacks you with Boingo, which means he's exclusive to the Submarine Route. Kind of a weird requirement for this otherwise one-off character, but whatever.

There's probably some tomfoolery going on with the Deus Ex Machina armor behind the scenes, but holy shit look at those stats.

Mask's another AI-controlled party member with a bunch of gun-type attacks, though unlike Gallahad or Stroheim, his work on Stand enemies.

And, sigh, I suppose while we're at it...

Midler's hanging out at the souvenir shop.

Mask: ...What's her deal...?
Bradio: She thinks Jotaro is hot, so she's been following him ever since we reached Egypt.
Mask: ...............
Bradio: ...............
Mask: This world just ain't fair...
Bradio: It's really not...

There's this weird little alleyway right behind the hotel.

[knock-knock!]

We haven't been here since Update 50! The right side door is unlocked now.

If you've reached Cairo and have absolutely zero Badges of Honor, this is pretty much your last chance to grab one to pay for NG+. We have plenty, so I'm not going to! I've had enough instant-death boulders for a lifetime. You can check it out for yourself.

Instead, we're here for the Sanctuary, where all the dead characters hang out. There's a lot of dialogue here, so ready yourself for a wall of screenshots.

Neat that they made sure his dialogue here reflects that we got that specific Mariah event.

To refresh your memory, this is the user of Wheel of Fortune, last seen tied to a cactus on the Pakistan-India border.

A few of these Submarine Route exclusive characters still show up here if you're far enough into the story. Killing Silver Fox was optional though.

Frankly while I could come up with some kind of snarky commentary here, I think I'd rather just move on.

This corpse was here last time, too.

Soon, soon...

Well, good for those two, I suppose.

An axe, you say? Let's check the river ourselves.

The first and third options don't do anything. Instead, let's kill this asshole.

Cars and his cohorts ACDC and Wham were the main villains of Part 2. He's an ancient superbeing who originally created the Stone Mask that Dio used to become a vampire. Much of Part 2 is about him seeking the "Red Stone of Aja", which, when combined with the Stone Mask, allows Cars to ascend and become the Ultimate Life-form. Effectively invincible, Cars is only defeated by blasting him into space, where he futilely floats forever.

We unfortunately didn't bring Joseph here, but he does have a bit of unique dialogue:

Joseph: C-Cars!? What are YOU doing here!?
Cars: Is that you, Jojo!? You've gotten old! Humans... Do you think you can escape the aging process as well? I no longer care about things such as the Ripple... But you're an exception! For ACDC and Wham, I'll celebrate my birth with your death! Jojo! No matter what... I must kill you!
Joseph: OH. MY. GOD!

If you come here on your very first playthrough, you fight regular Cars, who is much easier. We're stuck with Ultimate Being Cars, a superboss only really surpassed by joke fights against the developer of the game and the boss of the super-secret evil ending.

You might be thinking, wow, good damage! But Ult. Being Cars regenerates 999 HP and 100 SP every single turn.

This is why I went out of my way to grab Mask and Midler. Every little bit helps.

Sometimes you gotta Time Stop just to pop some curatives, but that only prevents everyone else from acting during their turns. They still get turns, so Cars is still regenerating.

Here I realize that maybe I shouldn't have brought Midler along after all. Mask is AI controlled, so he'll spend his turns trying to revive her instead of keeping on the pressure.

Remember, Phantom Blood is the 100%/100% full-heal-even-from-KO item. Literally two seconds later:

Star Platinum: The World's attack hits twice. Ideally you've buffed Jotaro up enough to where he's doing over 999 damage with both hits combined to make sure you're outpacing the regen.

Next, Ultimate Being Cars will use this move every 20 turns and when his HP drops below 30% (which might be multiple times!):

This boosts everything, including things that literally no other skill in the game does. Healing status effects and boosting stats, sure, fine. It also increases all elemental resistances. And remember how all attacks are calculated in this game?

Unlike Durability, this isn't something you can debuff with the right moves. You just gotta deal.

No HP damage on Mask because this move also just has an Instant-KO chance.

This fight is no fucking joke.

ffffFFFF

This would be way easier if only I had direct control over Mask because I could spam these debuff shots. If memory serves me right, only four player Stands have debuffs like this that aren't attached to status effects.

Oh right sometimes he just regular heals too.

This game is mocking me. I am being mocked.

At this point I throw my hands up in the air and reach for the burlap sack of perma-boosters.

Here's as good a time as any to show off the basics of using Cheat Engine, with our stock of Sunlight Remedies here as an example.

First, we open Cheat Engine.

Cheat Engine is essentially a memory editor. The hard part is figuring out which bit of your computer's memory to edit. To start, we click the glowing button in the top left, which opens a sub-window:

This is a list of all the processes currently open on your PC, though I've of course whited out most of it. Each one is using some of your memory, and we need to tell Cheat Engine which part to focus on. We're clearly going with 7th Stand User here. Once it's hooked in, we can actually start.

This is the important section if you're a layman like myself who doesn't know a damn thing about actually doing code and whatnot. We're trying to change a specific value in the game: the amount of Sunlight Remedies we have. We know that's precisely 98 of them, so we can leave the Scan Type as "Exact Value".

The Value Type is more complicated. 1 byte has 8 bits (0/1 binary switches), which means 4 bytes hold 32 bits: every possible combination of 0s and 1s across 32 numbers.

00000000
00000000
00000000
00000000

A 4-Byte value consequently can store any number between 0 and 4,294,967,295. Alternatively, between -2,147,483,648 and 2,147,483,647. Most static values in most modern games will be within this range, so you can usually leave the Value Type at 4 Bytes.

However, I happen to know that 7th Stand User is built in RPG Maker 2000. It's much simpler than most modern games; items cap out at 99. They're probably just single byte values: between 0 and 255. (Also I tried with 4 Byte and 2 Byte and couldn't find the value, so there was a bit of process of elimination involved.)

So let's set the Value to 98, the Scan Type to Exact Value, and the Value Type to Byte, then hit First Scan.

Okay. The 7th Stand User application currently has 144,282 different Byte values that are at 98. Our number of Sunlight Remedies is probably one of those. We need to narrow it down. How do we do that? We scan again, but only from the current list.

If we tab back into the game and use one (1) Sunlight Remedy, that means the value has changed from 98 to 97. We can search for Exact Values that are now 97 out of the selection of ones that were 98 by hitting Next Scan.

Depending on how much information you have access to, you might have to pick a different scan type. But we know the number this time.

And look at that! Out of all those 144,282 values that were 98, only one of them decreased to 97 when we used one (1) Sunlight Remedy. That means this value is how many Sunlight Remedies we have! If we double click on it, the value gets sent down to the bottom of the Cheat Engine window.

From here, we can change it all we want, or even click the checkbox on the left side to lock it to a specific value. We can have effectively unlimited Sunlight Remedies, or whatever other item you want to duplicate!

With this, boosting everyone's stats to levels where they can survive against Cars takes a scant few minutes.

And now you know pretty much everything I know about using Cheat Engine. Obviously, use at your own risk. You're liable to crash the game entirely if you just start messing with random values. Better to just search for cheat tables created by kind internet folk.

Time for the runback.

I still make sure to buff up for a few turns. These moves can push your stats past their listed 999 values on the status screen.

Holy shit, Midler did more than 50 damage! Wow!!

It's still a huge slog, but we aren't losing 1-3 party members on every multi-target attack anymore.

Finally!

Cars' Right Arm is an extremely important item that will come into play at a later date.

An enormous sigh of relief escaped my body when this message popped up. This is the item we were looking for. You can only get it from Cars, with a variable drop rate (yes, even in the R Patch). The game rolls a number between 0 and 63; if the number rolled is smaller than the number of times you've beaten the game, the Red Stone drops.

This file has beaten the game four times. This was a roughly 1/16 chance and I got it on the first kill.

SAVE THE GAME! SAVE!!

With the Red Stone, we can finally go back to the hotel and wrap this up.

I finally fucking did it.

"Ascalon" is the name of the, well, sword (sometimes spear or lance) of Saint George, a Christian folk hero. He's most famous for an 11th Century tale where he saved a princess from a dragon, codifying various dragon-related tropes and aesthetics across Western Europe.

The sword was named after a major port city in what is now Israel. Ascalon was a major strategic and commerce hub for thousands of years until the Mamluk Sultanate razed it to the ground in 1270. Other than the sword, Ascalon also lends its name to the derivatives of the "Ascalonian onion", including the scallion and the shallot.

As for what it actually does in 7th Stand User... we'll find out another time! See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

64 - Horsin' Around

2026-02-27T20:28:28.649Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we met an old friend, convinced an enemy to be a little nicer to us, and made an important point about gun safety around children. This time, we're going to do all three of those again!

Pretty good time!

Polnareff: ...Huh? Doesn't that... seem like too much time? I was told we only had 50 days to start with...
Joseph: ...Hm? Now that you mention it... You're right!
Bradio: ...Maybe Miss Holly is resistant to Dio's curse?
Abdul: Hm, that's certainly possible. Still, we can't count on that for long... Let's go to Cairo by train, Mr. Joestar. From Luxor, it's the quickest method besides flying.
Joseph: Yes... That should be best.

This is the exact same scene we saw in Update 38, but we get the character's names now since we met them directly in the Submarine Route.

Though you can get the Submarine Route on your first go, I think it's kind of neat to get this scene without context first and then realize on the second go that you straight up saw this happen.

Yeah, if Midler actually scores, then who knows what'd happen to Part 6?

I've read there's a way for Raul and DJ Inc to survive in Chaos Mode, but it requires a lot of stuff to line up across the entire game. Just for starters, we'd somehow have to get twice as much Surplus Fate Energy as we currently have.

Back to the Cairo outskirts!

Bradio: ...Seems like our chances are slim to none.
Abdul: There must be someone who knows...
Joseph: Let's go... We'll ask someone else.
???: ...I know that building. There's no mistaking it.

Joseph: Hey! Are you the one who spoke just now!? Did you just say you know it!?
Card-Shuffling Man: Why, yes. I do know the mansion in that picture.
Joseph: For real!? Are you serious!?
Abdul: That's great!
Polnareff: Yes! I didn't think we'd find someone this quickly... Talk about a lucky break!
Card-Shuffling Man: .........
Joseph: Where is it!? Please tell us!
Card-Shuffling Man: .........You expect me to tell you for free?
Joseph: ! Oh, yes... I apologize. Here's 10 pounds... Now, where is it?

Card-Shuffling Man: Now! Which slice of fish do you think the cat will eat first? The left one!? Or the right one!? What do you say? It's mundane, but thrilling, is it not?
Polnareff: Man, you're getting on my nerves!! Just take the 30 pounds and tell us where it is, you son of a...!!
Joseph: Calm down, Polnareff. That's no way to speak to someone who's offered to help us.
Polnareff: OK! I'll play with you, then! I pick the right one!
Card-Shuffling Man: GOOD! In that case, I pick left. Now let the fun begin!

Abdul: (Hey, Jotaro... Don't you think there's something off about this guy?)
Jotaro: (Yeah... He could be a Stand user... But he might also be some regular gambling-obsessed lunatic...)
Abdul: (Jotaro. If he tries anything funny, then punch him out with Star Platinum as fast as you can.)
Jotaro: (Got it.)
Bradio: (What should I do?)
Abdul: (Go order us some drinks, please. Five iced teas.)
Bradio: (...okay.)

Polnareff: Yeah! I won!
Card-Shuffling Man: Khh... That damn cat...
Polnareff: Come on! You better tell us where the goddamn building is!
Card-Shuffling Man: I'm not... I can't...

As much as I love the ways you can beat D'arby in this game, this Chaos Mode event is pretty funny.

Card-Shuffling Man: I... I've seen it before... In Old Cairo...
Polnareff: This guy! He was a Stand user all along!?
Abdul: But why did it show up!? It looked like he didn't do anything!
Card-Shuffling Man: Gh... gahh...
Jotaro: ...Looks like you were pressured by your Stand, and it spat out the location... So... You'd be in danger if you didn't tell us... That's what happened.
Card-Shuffling Man: Ugh!!
Bradio: How dangerous was it!?
Jotaro: ...If you lose a bet, something happens to you... That's his power, given the circumstances.
Polnareff: Eh!? Talk about a close call...
Card-Shuffling Man: Aaaaah!

Card-Shuffling Man: (-rattle, rattle-)
Polnareff: Such urgency... This guy...
Bradio: !... No way. Maybe he knows what Dio's Stand is!
Card-Shuffling Man: (-huff, huff, huff, huff, huff-)
Abdul: I know this behavior. This attitude! You know Dio's secret! But... If he speaks, he'll surely die. If you're a traitor, you'll be killed... That's why...
Bradio: ...Even if he doesn't tell us, Mr. Joestar's Hermit Purple can look into his thoughts. We'll know one way, or the other.
Card-Shuffling Man: (-huff, huff, huff, huff, huff-)
Jotaro: Come on! Talk! Answer us! Let's hear you say it loud and clear!

Gottem.

Abdul: I think we should keep asking around town. I'm sure there's someone who knows.
Polnareff: Gathering information is important and all, but I say we should stop by the hotel first. There are probably still some enemy Stand users on the prowl... We'll need to save our strength if we want to stand a chance!
Bradio: I'm with Abdul. I don't think we can check in for another few hours, anyway.

With that, the camera moves elsewhere...

We'd know that ridiculous hat anywhere!

[BANG!]

Boingo: Mmph! Mmph! Mmmgghh!
Hol Horse: Boingo. I know you hate me, so this was the only way I could get you on the plane...
Boingo: Wwwhhhmmmgghh! Mmmfmmf... Mmmhhh!!
Hol Horse: Don't try to be cute with me, Boingo! You know your brother's stuck in the hospital for another month! From now on, you work with me, Hol Horse!
Boingo: Mmmmph hmmmff mmff!!
Hol Horse: With your book and my gun, those Joestars won't know what hit 'em! Right, Boingo?
Boingo: Wmmmmghghmmfmmhh... Mmh... Mmmh... Mmmmgh!
Hol Horse: I know you're extremely antisocial... That you don't trust anyone but your big bro Oingo... But you wanna get revenge for him, right? You don't want to grow up to be a wimp, do you, Boingo? I dunno about you, but I never leave a job half-done! Fight, Boingo! Avenge him!
Boingo: ...Mm... mm... mm...
Hol Horse: I'm going to take the duct tape off now... But you have to promise not to scream or cry, alright?
Boingo: (M-mm! ...Mm-hmm!)
Hol Horse: Heh heh heh... Atta boy. There's no need to be nervous. You'll make yourself sick. I'm your buddy... Just ease up and relax... Relax...

This scene would probably be way more off-putting if it wasn't Comic Relief Serial Loser Hol Horse doing it. We know firsthand he is merely an asshole womanizer, not like, a creep.

Hol Horse: .........
Boingo: Bleaugh... Euuugh!
Hol Horse: ...............Well, well, a little airsick, are we...?
Boingo: Uuuugh...
Hol Horse: Still, we're friends from now on... Boingo...
Boingo: Bleeeaaaauuuuuggghh...
Taxi Driver: What's going on back there!?
Boingo: Eururugugghhhh... bleughghhh...
Hol Horse: It doesn't concern you!
Boingo: Uuuuuuuuuughheueeeegh...
Taxi Driver: What's that smell!?
Boingo: Hoororururaaaaagggghh...
Hol Horse: Shut up and drive!
Taxi Driver: This'll cost you extra!
Boingo: AUWAUUGHHHHACCGHGHGGGHHHH

Boingo's portrait looks like this because that's the art style of his comic book Stand, Thoth. I'm slightly annoyed Oingo has his own "normal" portrait in the files while Boingo doesn't... and it's biting me in the ass because the game uses it exclusively for when they're reading the comic. Eh, you'll figure it out.

This actually is pretty good info. At least it ain't "can't say I have."

Boingo: M-m-m-m-my... My... my... my pre...
Hol Horse: You're trying to say "my predictions are 100% accurate!", right!?
Boingo: Y-yes!
Hol Horse: D-damnit... No-one in their right mind would believe this! Not in a hundred million years!

Boingo (Thoth): Hol Horse is mad! Boingo is mad too! But Hol Horse can't use his Emperor just yet! Ready, Hol Horse!? Stick your fingers into Polnareff's nose! Theeeen... tickle him! Hooray! They started bleeding and passed out! Lucky you, Hol Horse! It's the perfect chance to kill them all!
Hol Horse (Thoth): Approved by the Comics Code Authority!

Hol Horse: And who knows what weird French germs are up in there?
Boingo: Y-y-y-y-you... C-c-can't... s-shoot them... yes... I-i-i-if you try to fire... Fate will... force you to do o-otherwise... I-I-I-I-I believe it... I-if you don't... follow the comic... Y-y-y-y-you... ...will suffer... I-i-i-it's destiny... I'm one-hundred-percent sure!
Hol Horse: That didn't keep your brother from failing!
Boingo: M-m-my brother... turned into Jotaro... ...t-to protect himself... If he didn't... the real Jotaro would've exploded... My predictions are never wrong!
Hol Horse: Woah!

Polnareff: I thought I saw someone trailing us like a hyena, so I slipped away from the group... Man, this brings back memories, huh, Hol Horse? Still tryin' to kill us, eh?
Hol Horse: Ugh!! Urrgh!
Polnareff: Thanks for earlier! It's a good thing Funky Party didn't really die, or I would've killed you by now!
Hol Horse: Rgh... Grr...
Polnareff: You here alone, Hol Horse? ...Nah... I doubt it! You've probably got a friend lurking nearby, right?
Hol Horse: !!
Polnareff: I'm not afraid of you by yourself, but your talents really shine in a pair. You said so yourself! So where's your pal, Hol Hoooorse?
Hol Horse: (Idiot! Your book and your fingers are showing! Hide already! If he finds you, we're both finished, Boingo!)
Boingo: (T-trust the book! If you didn't try to use your gun, you wouldn't have gotten punched! Trust destiny a-and victory is certain!)

Hol Horse: (Ack! That sounds like Abdul! He's coming over here!! 💧)
Boingo: (Trust me... Stick your fingers in his nose! Now!)
Hol Horse: (S-seriously!? ...Damnit! Fine, I'll do it! Here goes nothiiiiiiing!)
Polnareff: Hey, you, under the box! Show yourself!
Hol Horse: Now's my chance!
Polnareff: !!

Jotaro: What's going on, Polnareff?
Abdul: Can you hear us?
Joseph: Did you find them, Polnareff!?
Hol Horse: (Yikes! T-they're coming closer!)

Polnareff: Chario-...!
Hol Horse: Ooooh no you don't!
Polnareff: Wha!? ! ...S-shit!

Bradio: ?
Abdul: Oh... There you are. What's up? Was someone following us or not?
Polnareff: Ngh......
Hol Horse: (Damnitttt! I-I'm backed up against the wall here! Didn't it say if I stuck my fingers in his nose I'd have my chance to finish 'em all off!? 'Cuz this is the complete opposite! I'm screwed! If they find me here, I'm history! I-I think I'm gonna cry!!)

Abdul: I see... By the way, why are you standing in the corner?
Hol Horse: (Say you had to pee! Say it! Now!)
Polnareff: I-I, uh... Well, I kinda... I had to pee! Heh heh ha ha ha ha!
Abdul: What?
Joseph: In the middle of the street? Have you no shame?
Bradio: Gross...
Polnareff: YOU'RE saying that? After what we did to Cameo!?
Jotaro: .........
Joseph: Er...
Bradio: I-I'm just saying, you really should've bought that charm in Edfu.
Joseph: Yes! The "yucky" charm!
Hol Horse: (H-how often do you piss in the street!?)
Polnareff: (Damnit! He's embarrassing me! ...I know! I'll signal to them! Everyone, watch out!)

Abdul: ...............?
Joseph: ?
Bradio: ???
Jotaro: ...............

Joseph: What's wrong? Your face is all messed up. Did you hurt your tongue?
Bradio: ...Is he practicing his funny faces?
Hol Horse: Hm!?
Abdul: No... Something is behind him... ...Oops!
Polnareff: (Idiot! Don't say it aloud!)
Hol Horse: (P-Polnareff! You son of a bitch! You tipped them off! I-I'll fuckin' kill ya! Die, you son of a bitch!)
Polnareff: Ah...

Joseph: Woah! T-that's...!
Polnareff: Woah!
Hol Horse: Oof!
Joseph: You were pissing with Hol Horse!?

Hol Horse: And it happened so suddenly... They didn't have time to ready their Stands! ...Everything went according to the prediction! I can't believe it... 5 people at once!
Boingo: Yes... It's destiny! My predictions are always accurate! But you can't finish them off yet... Let's see what the book says next!
Hol Horse: OK!
Boingo (Thoth): Hooray! It's time to kill them all! But be careful! Don't close in on them yet! Wait and see what happens! The other 3 are out cold, but not Jotaro and Bradio! They're getting up!

Jotaro: Ugh... you okay, Funky Party?
Bradio: Oof... I am feeling neither funky nor party...

Boingo: ............
Hol Horse: We're so close... Boingo! What's next!? How do we wrap this up!? Your comic's predictions are 100% accurate! I-I believe it now! I'll obey it to the letter! I'll stick my fingers up anybody's nose! I'll eat shit if that's what it wants! I just wanna win!
Boingo: H-h-h-h-h-h... Here it is! T-the... The final prediction!
Hol Horse: What is it...?
Boingo (Thoth): Are you ready? It's time for the climax of our story! Hol Horse found some pipe workers! Now, he's gonna pay them to open up the pipe for him! If Hol Horse pumps all his bullets into the pipe... The bullets will come out the other side of the street!

Boingo: T-that happened because he changed his face to Jotaro's inadvertently... But this time, neither you or I can do that!
Hol Horse: Y-you're right! There's no way in hell that could happen! Which means...
Boingo: Y-yes! I can avenge my brother! Yes! There's no getting this prediction wrong! If you shoot your bullets into the pipe, Jotaro'll die just like the picture!
Hol Horse: ...B-but hold on... It said EXACTLY at noon, right? Wait! It said noon!? That means we've only got 2 minutes!
Boingo: D-don't worry! All you've gotta do is shoot into the pipe! You've got plenty of time! I-it's fate! It'll happen for sure!
Hol Horse: R-right... 100% and all that... I believe, but... T-t-the clock is ticking! I'm getting kinda nervous!

We regain control of Bradio at this point, moving at half speed and with a 2-minute timer ticking down.

Joseph: Nngh...
Jotaro: ...Where's Hol Horse?
Bradio: I'm looking!

Polnareff and Abdul are completely unconscious and have nothing to say about the current situation.

You can only try to persuade Hol Horse here if you took the Submarine Route and fought alongside him at Charlie's Mansion. On the Manga Route (or if you ambush him) it's just a straight boss fight, still with the time limit.

And for those of you reaching for the torches and pitchforks over there being any kind of active in-game timer, it's not Game Over if it runs out. Things just continue apace with the manga.

Hol Horse: !! Bradio!
Bradio: I don't know what you're planning to do, but that traffic accident won't be enough to keep me out of action! You can't take us on in a 5v1 fight! What's your plan!?
Hol Horse: (Ack! W-what now!? The book only said that Jotaro would die! It didn't say anything about the others! I can't take them in a fair fight! W-what if the part after says "then, Hol Horse got caught and beaten to death" or something!? What do I do!?)
Bradio: Hol Horse!!
Hol Horse: Woah!! I-I got it, I got it! I give!
Boingo: (!? ...Hol Horse!?)
Bradio: ...All right, turn towards the wall. The others should be here any minute now.
Hol Horse: You're the boss...

If we were fighting party-version Hol Horse who's currently level 50, we might lose that fight. If we didn't have access to the burlap sack o' nukes, anyway.

Hol Horse: .........
Bradio: At first I was mad that Sade was into you instead of me... but it's not like you got to score either...
Hol Horse: ...Yeah... She really deserved better.
Bradio: You mean better like me?
Hol Horse: Better than being eaten by zombies!
Bradio: Oh. Right.

Hol Horse: No can do! If I tried to, I'd be killed!
Bradio: You don't say...
Hol Horse: Can't you just read my thoughts with Joseph's Hermit Purple anyway?
Bradio: Oh yeah! Good point!
Boingo: (.........)
Bradio: ...It looks like that's the only way.
Hol Horse: Well, either way, I'm done for.
Bradio: ...So why don't you come with us?
Hol Horse: Not a chance! I know my own limits. In fact, if you value your life, I'd go back to Japan now if I were you. I'm telling you... It doesn't matter how many of you there are. You can't beat Dio. ...Don't take it the wrong way. You really should go back. You aren't my target.
Bradio: ...Then why don't you leave us alone?
Hol Horse: I really can't leave you alone... If you keep taking pity on your enemies like this, you're gonna get yourself killed, y'know.
Bradio: .........
Hol Horse: (...Man, what a softie! I'm gonna puke!)

Bradio: H-Hol Horse!? What did you just do!?
Hol Horse: Drop dead, Jotaro!!
Bradio: What!?
Joseph: I-I think I made it somehow...
Abdul: U-ugh... I lost consciousness, but I'm also mostly unharmed... But Polnareff is covered in rocks...
Polnareff: Ugh... Help me out here! These stupid bricks...
Joseph: Did Funky Party leave to get an ambulance...?
Polnareff: And... where's Hol Horse?
Jotaro: I don't know... He seems to have left the scene...
Hol Horse: I win! He's right in front of the pipe! The bullets are gonna go through his head! I'll blow you to bits, Jotaroooo!!

Hol Horse: Whaaaat!?
Jotaro: C'mon...
Polnareff: -sniffle-... Sorry, Jotaro! It's all 'cuz Hol Horse stuck his fingers in my nose! I dunno what he was thinking! It's still itchy... yuck!
Hol Horse: M-my bullet... missed!?
Bradio: .........?
Hol Horse: (Boooiiiinnnggoooo!! What just happened!? It didn't hit him at all! Look! Jotaro's alive! Your prediction was all wrong, damnit!)

Both: Huh?
Hol Horse: Whaaat!? D-did it just say... 12:00!? Then... that means... my watch... It's fast! I shot my gun before noon! S-so if it's noon... What's going to happen!? The prediction said the bullets would hit Jotaro! Just like the picture!

Polnareff: Hey... Did you hear a scream coming from that corner just now?
Bradio: Yeah. Hol Horse shot himself in the head with his own Stand and passed out.
Polnareff: Wha? ...First he stuck his fingers in my nose, then he ran off suddenly, and now this? Maybe he's crazy! He WAS mumbling weird stuff to himself earlier...
Bradio: No... Though he was an enemy, it was a splendid performance.
Polnareff: ? What are you talking about?
Joseph: Man... I dunno WHAT just happened, but this isn't looking good. Let's get out of here before the cops show up.

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

63 - Luxory Goods

2026-02-25T18:39:50.579Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we watched a hospital unleash its auto-turrets on a man practicing medicine without a license. This time, we knock down some mostly-unchanged segments.

We loaded a save back in Singapore so Yellow Temperance didn't imitate Bradio, but I was curious and checked the game files. Either way, the text here still says he posed as Kakyoin. Damn.

As long as we don't use Jotaro for everything, Abdul should stay in the lead no problem.

Edfu is one of the smaller hub maps, so speeding through everyone's FP events should be pretty quick.

We're going to fight the optional boss here with Iggy in the interest of bringing him past the 10 FP threshold ASAP.

Having Amber's dialogue move super fast like this is a nicely simple but effective trick.

The namesake here is Swedish metal band Frantic Amber.

Neat! Under normal, non-level-grinding circumstances, we'd be a few zones off from learning Contaminate, so this'd actually be a decent get.

If you've been paying attention to when our Surplus Fate Energy has increased, you might have made the connection by now.

What is it? (Click to expand)

We get one point of Surplus Fate Energy any time somebody dies who *didn't* die in the "original story", which means it's almost entirely from original NPCs. Specific Chaos Mode events require a certain amount of Surplus Fate Energy... and I don't think we're actually going to get any of them. Oops!

Unfortunately all of Deep Purple's combination moves are titled "D-[something]". I suppose you take your shortcuts where you can when you've got 108 combos to come up with.

Bradio: You don't get to say that after making me follow that stupid script on the island.
Polnareff: ...script?
Joseph: Wait, that part actually came up!?
Bradio: Uh.
Joseph: I know you were attacked, but... you actually... with Polnareff...
Bradio: IT WAS YOUR IDEA!
Joseph: But I never imagined...
Polnareff: Wait a minu-
Bradio: fuck this i'm out

Khalid: Hint, hint...
Abdul: Er... I am much too busy to consider such things at the moment.

Alright, enough retreading, we have places to be. I pick up Joseph and do the Twinkie event.

And let's head up to the corner of the map, where we'll find an old friend...

...or we would, if the Day Count was 23. Remember how I said the extra day from the Submarine Route would screw us over? There's only one thing to do now.

Think back to the start of NG+.

These are the passwords from Charlie Rich's mansion. We don't need 'em anymore.

As for how he somehow reaches us in Egypt, don't worry about it.

We are no longer in danger of being oneshot by this guy, plus we have Jotaro here to crush his head in.

I consulted Midler's stats in the files. She's programmed to have really high Agility and Max SP, neither of which matter if you're not strong enough to do any damage. You can't even use her as an item caddy since she's AI controlled.

Sheer Heart Attack gives you the Pursued status, which halves your Agility and makes it so you can't use certain skills.

Specifically, it seals skills over a certain power threshold, to represent how you don't have a chance to properly Stance Up and throw out a big hit. Not that Stop Time gives a shit.

If you don't know this exists, the only other way to reverse time is an NPC named Deviant who spawns when the Day Count hits 48. You can pay him a huge sum of money to rewind 10 days... which wouldn't get us below the 23 threshold anyway.

Barely made it.

And he's right here!

Bradio: DŌMO, UTAH NINJA-san.
Utah: DŌMO, BRADIO NINJA-san.
Jotaro: ...what?
Midler: Ugh, cringe...

Apart from being under Day 23, you can only meet Utah here in Edfu if he didn't appear in Singapore, where he's killed and zombified by Vins. And the only way to prevent him from appearing there is to defeat him in Hong Kong then completely ignore him at the Harbor.

Utah: Now... show me your true power!
Bradio: YEAAART!!
Utah: YEAAART!!!
Jotaro: Ora!!
Both: -frown-

Now he's got a weird big green sword!

If you have access to it and you're starting a big boss fight, it almost always behooves you to use Push It To The Limit for the first turn or two. It buffs all stats and even self-heals a bit.

WHY DID I EVEN BOTHER LETTING YOU JOIN

This is hitting actively detrimental to the party territory.

Midler: You're so amazing, Jotaro <3
Bradio: (fffffFFFFFF)
Jotaro: Nice job, Funky Party.
Bradio: -through gritted teeth- T H A N K S.

I messed up here, because he also gives you the Rusty Sword... if you don't already have one. Which I do from a previous go-around.

Utah: What's this sword? It's a family heirloom. My grandfather said he received it long ago from a man named George. It was passed down to me with the instruction to give it to someone fit for it. Now, that day's finally come... The man who gave it to my grandpa should be able to rest easier now. It's a load off my back, too.
Utah: Tough to get through airport security with a giant green sword...

We will deal with the infamous "Sword of St. George" sidequest at a later date.

In the interest of moving things along, we'll also be knocking out both Mariah and Alessi today.

If you really want the whole thing again, feel free to consult Update 35.

Mariah: Nowhere to run, you say...? You really don't get it, do you... I wanted you to follow me here! I led you on! Look above you! Those are high-voltage power cables! Bwahaha! They're being pulled towards you! Looks like Joseph's first up to become charcoal!
Abdul: Damn! Mr. Joestar's magnetism is stronger than mine!
Joseph: Unnnnggghhh!!

Mariah: Joseph Joestar... I'll tell you one last thing... You're one very good looking man. Even though we never really got to know each other, you've demonstrated that you have an excellent sense of humor... You're not a young man by any stretch, but you have a lot of life experience, and all in all, I'd even say you're quite the charmer... Age gap aside, I think we would've made quite a good pair. Hee hee...
Joseph: I'm... glad to... hear that... So... help me out here, will ya!? Your strength... is on a completely different level from my Hermit Purple... I can't take any more of this... Stop the magnetism... please...!
Mariah: Mmmm... nope! You're not as attractive as Dio.
Joseph: So... There's no way I can convince you?
Mariah: You heard me! Sorry, but you're through.
Joseph: Even if I beg?

Joseph: I see. Your loss, young lady.
Mariah: ......What!?

We got a bit of different dialogue here thanks to Chaos Mode. I suppose it makes sense the Joestars can sway all the ladies to their side seeing as at least 49% of Dio's charisma comes from Jonathan Joestar's mega-shredded body.

Unfortunately, Mariah doesn't join the party like Midler; there's no way to run around with a full Hot Lady squad.

We got the special Joseph event last time because I kept Polnareff's FP low. This time we'll spring for the more standard Your Fanfic OC Saves the Day event.

As one might expect, Kid Polnareff is a completely separate party member on the backend. He actually has crazy good stats for being at Level 1 so that he doesn't simply perish immediately during the set piece fight.

Bradio: Wanna get breakfast?
Jotaro: Yeah. See you, kid that looks weirdly like a small Polnareff.
Polnareff: AHHHHHH

Now that we've gone through the whole story at least once, I can properly link this video rather than simply mentioning it:

I particularly like what they do with Mariah and Shadow Dio.

We didn't actually get access to this choice before, since the Joseph event took precedence. We can choose to search with Jotaro if we want things to progress how they did in the manga, where Jotaro also gets kiddified.

Jotaro: Yeah, we'd better. Be careful, though. The guy who attacked Polnareff must still be around somewhere.
Bradio: Yeah, I know. Well, I'm gonna head back to where we started looking.
Jotaro: Sounds good. That weird kid creeped me out anyway.

Why yes, I would like to skip the whole bath thing! Thanks for asking!

Bradio: ?... You remind me of that kid I met earlier... Look at you, you're covered in bruises! What happened?
Alessi: Heh heh heh! You're not getting away from me, Pol- !! Huh!?
Bradio: ......Pol? What's the big idea? Why are you chasing such a young kid around?
Alessi: O-oh, I'm not... Erm...
Alessi: ...Y-you little! Pol... I mean, Paul! You've gotta dry yourself off after you get out of the bath! Look what you've done to the floors!
Polnareff: Huh!?
Alessi: A-and you! Who are you!? A burglar!?
Bradio: What?
Alessi: I'm calling the police, you c-c-creep!
Bradio: H-hold on, wait... I'm not a...

Bradio: T-this is...
Polnareff: Aaahh! This is bad!
Bradio: This is a Stand power... So does that mean... you're Polnareff!?
Polnareff: Y-yeah... but I can't remember who you are! You're gonna start forgetting stuff soon, too!
Alessi: Bradio... Little Bradio... You can bet -I- remember! You've only gained Stand powers recently, am I correct? Which means you couldn't use it when you were a kid! You're just a regular little brat! Haha! Wahahahahaha! Get ready to die along with him!

Polnareff: What do we do!?
Bradio: Uhhhhhhhhhh attack!!

Polnareff: IT'S NOT WORKING!! My arms are too tiny!
Alessi: Useless, pointless, futile! No snot-nosed brat's gonna beat me!

Polnareff: NOOOOOO
Bradio: W-wait, I know! Polnareff!! The bag!
Polnareff: ...the bag?

Polnareff: THE BAG!
Alessi: W-w-w-whoa okay hang on a se- WAITWAITWAIT

Alessi: L-l-little kids like you shouldn't be holding stuff like tha-

Alessi: MY EYES!! AHHHH

Bradio: (Never thought I'd be thanking Stroheim for this stuff...)
Polnareff: What do we do about all the bullet holes?
Bradio: ...Let's get out of here!!

Polnareff: L-let's get going, Jotaro.
Young Lady: !! T-that earring! W-wait! Are you...!?
Polnareff: I'm sorry, but I don't think we've met. We're just travelers passing through... This is my first time in this country. We have to move on to the next town...
Young Lady: ...I guess it really was just a dream...
Polnareff: .........
Jotaro: ............
Polnareff: Don't say a word, Jotaro! That goes for you too, Funky Party!

Abdul: We were attacked by a beautiful woman in a miniskirt. She was quite powerful and dangerous...
Bradio: What.
Joseph: She didn't seem that bad, though... When we defeat Dio, she could turn over a new leaf.
Abdul: You are just saying that because she flirted with you.
Bradio: I...
Joseph: You're one to talk after that bunny girl incident in Kom Ombo!
Bradio: aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH
Polnareff: W-what's gotten into you, Funky Party!?
Bradio: This isn't fair! Jotaro's got a bikini babe hanging off his arm, Polnareff's bathing with a beautiful young lady, Mr. Joestar's getting chased by skirts rather than the other way around, Kakyoin's getting doted on by sexy nurses, and even Abdul's got -bunny girls- coming onto him!? IT'S NOT FAIR, I TELL YOU!
Abdul: W-well...
Bradio: I got shot in the head and had to spend two weeks with A NAZI!
All: ............
Joseph: ...Well, who's up for breakfast? I want to try that "fool madames" stuff.
Jotaro: ...Give me a @#S% break...

Bradio: (sob)

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

62 - Oingo M.D.

2026-02-20T17:43:33.700Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we went through the Aswan ruins again, but with Speedwagon and Dire this time. This time, we don't deal with a sentient sword again! It's another alternate path!

It's good we had the fruit baskets and the Game Boy, because you need at least 10 FP with Kakyoin to get this option.

Joseph: ? ...What's this all of a sudden?
Bradio: Kakyoin can't see at the moment, but when he regains his vision, he may rejoin the fight. He's an important member of our team. If I were an enemy, I'd see this as the perfect chance to dispose of him without much trouble.
Joseph: Hrm... I suppose you're right...
Abdul: But will you be fine on your own?
Bradio: Don't worry. Once Kakyoin's able to defend himself, I'll meet up with you guys.
Joseph: All right! We'll leave Kakyoin in your hands.
Polnareff: Be careful!

Kakyoin: ...Yeah...
Bradio: Oh yeah! Isn't it time for your examination? Where's the nurse?
Kakyoin: Oh... I forgot to tell you. These two brothers were just injured in an explosion, so they're short on staff at the moment. I guess they haven't gotten around to it... I guess I'll have to go by myself.
Bradio: What are you talking about!? This is the 3rd floor! You can't possibly be thinking of going to the bottom with those eyes! Why do you think I'm staying here with you in the first place? Here, put your arm around my shoulder.
Kakyoin: Huh? B-but... I really hate to trouble you...
Bradio: I told you, it's fine!
Kakyoin: ...Thank you...

The Game Boy had four launch titles in Japan: Alleyway, Baseball, Yakuman, and Super Mario Land. Bradio feels to me like a guy who would probably have picked Baseball for Kakyoin.

There's a possible Chaos Mode event early in the game that establishes you are Super Strong, which affects nothing other than allowing you to move at normal speed during this sequence. Alas, we didn't get it.

The reduced movement speed in action:

It's nothing egregious. I think this is around the right balance for "tedious, but for deliberate effect".

This happens effectively randomly throughout the hospital, though all it does is slow you down.

The 7th Stand User's commitment to having gender-accurate bathrooms continues. Though if this is the Fancy Hospital Suite floor, you'd think each room would have its own bathroom. The last time I was hospitalized (which is hopefully the last time), even the shared room I was in had its own washroom.

Kakyoin: I'll have to thank Mr. Joestar later.
Bradio: He has like, infinite money.
Kakyoin: That reminds me... how much did the submarine cost?
Bradio: You, uh, don't want to know.

I think the thing that gets me is not just that there are bathrooms, but that there are bathrooms on every floor. The school in Japan and the radio tower in Sundarbans had them too.

This restores a mere 2%+4 HP and 6%+3 SP, but it's one of the scant few items that can revive a character mid-battle.

What kind of hospital is this, where I can't loot every single room?

Visible in the hospital room are Oingo and Boingo, a pair of brothers with the Stands Khnum and Thoth. They try to kill the Stardust Crusaders while on the way to Aswan, but just sort of comedically foil their own plans while the heroes don't even notice. That's why they aren't a formal segment of this game, though those events were referenced by Polnareff in the previous update.

The "my legs staggered" bit just halts your movement for a moment. This one actually does damage to Kakyoin, and it behooves you to make sure he stays topped up.

Most of the NPCs in the hospital are just sleeping or going, "Wahhh, it hurts!" We're going to talk to them all anyway.

I've been feeling this one pretty keenly. As of writing, I'm only just recovering from multiple foot injuries in a row. I haven't been able to walk properly in two months. Shit's demoralizing.

This made me look up if Egyptian cops carry firearms; they do. Egypt also has a bespoke arm of government law enforcement dedicated to policing Tourism and Antiquities.

Does the Egyptian goddess Unut count as a bunny girl?

This here is a cameo from Part 6's Ermes Costello. Most of that arc takes place in prison, and Ermes has gotten breast surgery to add hidden compartments in her chest to smuggle in contraband.

Actually let's not talk about healthcare costs...

Bradio: That's why I carry all of my valuables on me at all times. In this giant sack.
Kakyoin: ...if we're in the cafeteria... did we pass the examination room?
Bradio: We've gone too far, now we have to loop back around from the beginning.

If you somehow think you're too good for NPC dialogue on this level, you should probably chill out.

This hospital is used for this single set-piece and nothing else. The level of detail here really lends credence to Clayman's assertion that she made this game due to autistic hyperfixation.

Almost done with our half-movement-speed hospital rounds.

I've heard that if you have trouble getting your meds at a regular pharmacy, it might be worth going to a hospital pharmacy instead. They're almost never "out of stock" of most standard drugs.

Kakyoin: But... did we really have to go around every single floor?
Bradio: You'll be laid up for a while, might as well get your steps in while you can.
Kakyoin: ......I suppose...

Bradio: Sounds like a terrible situation...
Nurse: Well... I know I shouldn't be saying this but... Those two kind of give me the creeps.
Bradio: ...? Why's that?
Nurse: Well... Even though they were injured so gravely, they were reading a comic book and laughing maniacally... Maybe the shock of the accident caused them to lose their minds... Poor things.

Kakyoin: Well, the nurse said she'd come today, so I wouldn't worry.
Bradio: I guess if we're going to waiting longer, I have something to ask...
Kakyoin: What is it, Funky Party?
Bradio: Can I, uh... no, never mind...
Kakyoin: Ask away. We're friends, and you're staying here to look after me like this, so I owe you.
Bradio: I know it was a gift, but can I try out the Game Boy?
Kakyoin: .........No. Absolutely not.

Kakyoin: Huh? I thought we were doing it in the examination room?
Doctor: Yes, well... There's been a bit of a disturbance on the 1st floor.
Bradio: What happened?
Doctor: You see... Those brothers that were in the explosion have disappeared.
Kakyoin: Disappeared? But I thought they were heavily injured?
Doctor: Well, yes... That's why everyone's searching the inside of the hospital. We thought they might try to hide in your room while you're being examined.
Bradio: Really? Well, no one like that has come by...
Doctor: I see... Oh, by the way, Bradio... You have a call from a Mr. Joestar.

Understated but solid gag to have this doctor say "yes, well," "You see," "well, yes," and "I see" in a row like that.

Oingo: (My Khnum can make me look like anyone I want... I can even impersonate their height and weight! I disguised myself to kill Kakyoin! Without anyone else knowing it's me, I can kill Kakyoin while he's injured like it's nothing! It'll be the perfect crime...)
Kakyoin: W-what...? What's going on?
Bradio: Kakyoin!! Kakyoin's in danger! I have to go to the 1st floor and get the key!

TRAP COUNT: 1

Bradio: But there are so many people running through the halls... Why did it only activate for me!?
Oingo: (Heh heh... That's 'cuz I already know where you're gonna walk! Nobody else'll set 'em off because my little brother's Stand said so! Thoth can predict the future with 100% accuracy! I'll take care of Kakyoin, and the traps'll take care of you! It's a flawless plan!)

TRAP COUNT: 2

Each trap does 30 damage to both HP and SP.

TRAP COUNT: 3

TRAP COUNT: 4

TRAP COUNT: 5

goddammit

Every single NPC in the hospital starts losing it and running around randomly after this explosion.

TRAP COUNT: 6

TRAP COUNT: 7

TRAP COUNT: 8

TRAP COUNT: 9

Good detail to have Boingo hiding in the bathroom here, even if we can't do anything about it.

TRAP COUNT: 10

Other than the traps that blow you up, sometimes Kakyoin gets attacked and loses 10 HP. Obviously it's Game Over if he hits 0. This is way less forgiving than when Polnareff was getting 59 - Oil-lamping is the New Gaslighting, as you're about to see.

TRAP COUNT: 11

TRAP COUNT: 12

TRAP COUNT: 13

Despite everything, it's worth plundering the hospital after it gets bombed. All the previously locked chests open up and have either stat boosters or high-level curatives.

TRAP COUNT: 14

Aaaand this hallway's blocked.

Keep this oddly specific information in mind!

Alright, we gotta take the long way back around to the stairs.

TRAP COUNT: 17

TRAP COUNT: 18

Even though the trap tiles move randomly, the tight hallways mean you'll run into them pretty often.

TRAP COUNT: 19

TRAP COUNT: 24

TRAP COUNT: 25

TRAP COUNT: 26

We've gotta take the long way around here, too.

TRAP COUNT: 27

TRAP COUNT: 30

TRAP COUNT: 31

TRAP COUNT: 32

TRAP COUNT: 33

FINAL TRAP COUNT: 34

FINALLY. We can always stop and heal ourselves, but Kakyoin's only got 320 Max HP. If he were a more normal level, like 24 or 25, he'd have more like 220 Max HP. We'd be cutting it way closer.

Bradio: K-Kakyoiiiin!!

The doctors here are named after the members of the band Led Zeppelin, whose names were also used for some one-off mooks in Part 1 of JoJo.

Dr. Jones: Huh?
Dr. Page: What, you think we...? T-this is a big misunderstanding!
Dr. Plant: He hit the nurse call button, so we rushed in here.
Dr. Bonham: You're his attendant, right? Don't worry. He's going to be okay.
Bradio: Huh?
Kakyoin: Nngh... Funky Party... I-I'm... okay... Ugh...
Bradio: K-Kakyoin!!

Dr. Plant: He sprayed the fire extinguisher like a smokescreen and escaped.
Dr. Bonham: But if someone switched with one of us, we would have noticed.
Dr. Jones: Whoever sprayed the fire extinguisher earlier is long gone...
Dr. Page: Yes. I very clearly heard a door open.
Kakyoin: No... The door did open, but I felt two people leave, and only one re-entered... I had a barrier set up around the entrance... I'm 100% sure... Someone here is an enemy.

I briefly had the thought "why couldn't he just see them with Hierophant Green," but recall that any bodily harm is reflected back on the Stand and vice-versa.

Dr. Page: I can't believe this! Let's hurry!
Dr. Plant: B-but this man needs treatment too! He's heavily bleeding!
Dr. Bonham: I suppose he does need attending to...
Bradio: (One of these people definitely attacked Kakyoin! Whoever did it might try to finish him off during treatment... I have to find out who it is!)

Go ahead and scroll up to check; it actually is random each time.

Dr. Plant: !? T-this is... When did he...!? ...Wait!!
Dr. Jones: His feet? There's nothing there. What are you talking about?
Kakyoin: That's right. My Hierophant wrapped around all of your ankles while you were arguing! And you... you saw my Stand, didn't you? Though I've never seen your face before, my Stand will judge you...!

Kakyoin: It seems that a regular hospital is too dangerous after all... I'll call the Foundation and have them treat me at one of theirs. You should set out to rejoin the group by tomorrow. I can see faintly now, and the Joestars are Dio's first priority.
Bradio: All right... But be careful, Kakyoin.
Kakyoin: I'll be fine. You're the one who should be careful. The closer you get to Dio, the more dangerous your enemies are sure to become...

However, let's roll back the tape a bit. What if you don't want to run headlong into 34 traps?

You've heard of a Stand-using dog, now it's time for a Stand-using hospital!

It's still Game Over if Kakyoin dies. Every turn against the Door, there's 20% chance each that he either takes 30 damage, takes 50 damage, or you step on a trap and take damage (with the last 40% being nothing happens). He's liable to die much faster like this than with the hits on the field.

The Door isn't particularly strong, but it throws a bunch of status effect moves at you. If you're losing turns, that's more opportunities for Kakyoin to take damage.

Thankfully Deep Purple is a Short-range Stand, and the Door takes extra damage from up-close moves.

Oingo: ...(Yikes! My Stand is already out! I can only transform myself! What do I DO!? Maybe I can pretend I have something besides that... Can that work? WILL that work!?)
Bradio: ...What's going on? Why aren't you showing me your Stand? What's your game?
Oingo: ...Heh, well, you know... (Yooo! They're super suspicious now! You have to get out of this somehow Oingo!)
Kakyoin: ...Gh... Funky Party... Until we know what his Stand can do, we can't get close to him! I set up a Hierophant Barrier, so I managed not to sustain a life-threatening injury, but... I still don't know how they attacked!
Bradio: Ka... Kakyoin! What the hell happened!?
Kakyoin: I'm not so sure myself... I can't tell because of my eyes, but chances are he hit me with something to test me!
Oingo: (It seemed too dangerous to get close at the time, I just tossed anything I could from far away!)

Kakyoin: ...What?
Bradio: ...Huh?

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

61 - Aswan, Astwo, AsGeb, As'Dour

2026-02-17T15:36:25.038Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Jotaro convinced a bikini girl to join the party. This time, we're going to see what happens if we bring her to fight a bunch of zombies.

Midler always leaves your party during major transitions, since her presence would perhaps overly complicate certain confrontations. Like the one we're about to revisit.

With the addition of the 8th Stand User, the party's finally back together.

We never actually met Enya on this run due to taking the Submarine Route, but it's not a stretch at all to assume Bradio was simply told about the other adventures offscreen. This also hints at how Deep Purple has a unique interaction in the battle against Enya.

Bradio: I don't fart while chewing on people's hair.
Polnareff: When do you?
Bradio: When do I what?
Jotaro: Fart.
Bradio: I mean, uhhh-
Kakyoin: Or chew on people's hair, for that matter.
Bradio: I-I don't!
Abdul: A fartless ally... how formidable...
Joseph: Your Stand makes much more sense now.
Bradio: (Why me...)

We're a bit slower than Cascada for now, but I guarantee we'll make up the lost time soon.

There are no Chaos Mode events during the N'Dour battle nor does Deep Purple have any more unique lines during the sequence, so let's fast forward.

I do give it the ol' college try since we've got inflated stats, but, well.

Even Contaminate doesn't work.

While I like this fight in general, it always seemed kind of iffy to me that Abdul couldn't just blast the water instantly.

Thanks to Chaos Mode, we can theorycraft how Midler would have performed. High Priestess can turn into any mineral, so she could have probably manipulated the sand for an easy win, right? By the same token, if Iggy took the battle seriously then it would have been no contest. There's enough "minerals" around to either completely fend off the water or to otherwise blunt N'Dour's vibration sense.

Still being in Part 3 gives it a bit of a pass, but this is a fairly bland idea for what a sand-manipulating Stand is capable of while in the middle of the desert.

Let's give him the business.

...okay.

Hey, a DEF-piercing attack actually did something!

The SP cost is a non-factor once you have enough curatives, so Stop Time is on a cooldown to make sure you can't chain it indefinitely. At least one or two full rounds have to pass after time resumes.

If Iggy dies, it's Game Over, and I cannot be assed to do this again. We gave it a shot.

Jotaro: Draw, pilgrim.
N'Dour: ...It's quite a bit past noo-
Jotaro: ORA!!

There are still two of them we have yet to see in this Let's Play.

Steel: According to the Speedwagon Foundation, Dio has been sighted around the ruins to the west of town. Even if he's no longer there, there may be hints as to his Stand's ability... Perhaps even a clue as to his weak points. Kakyoin and Abdul need time to recover, so we should look around town a bit.

I was about to complain that Steel knows enough about the "real" timeline to know Dio isn't here... but I suppose he can't necessarily tell what might change from the 7th Stand User's actions. It's not an unreasonable thing for him to say.

Well, since Jotaro starts in our party, and she's right there...

We're doing pretty well on FP overall, but the neurotic part of my brain still makes me go around and do everyone's FP events.

Bradio: Oh, thanks. You didn't have to.
Jotaro: Huh?
Bradio: Uh...
Midler: It's for me, dumbass! Thanks, Jotaro <3

Bradio: ...I want to go home.

It's going to be weird when the Steel Ball Run anime comes out and all the characters have new voices.

Now wait a moment, who's that?

Bradio: Speedwagon!? What are you doing here?
Speedwagon: Well, I heard that Dio was sighted in Aswan, so I came right over... If he really was here, he must've left some evidence behind! I was hoping to find a clue as to his Stand ability or his current hideout.
Bradio: I see... and Stroheim?
Bradio: Please tell me he isn't here.
Speedwagon: He was summoned away by the Foundation's Italian branch, so he's helping out over there.
Bradio: Oh thank fuck.
Speedwagon: ...I know! I hear there've been sightings of zombies at the ruins to the west... It's too difficult for me to go by myself, but...

Bradio: ...sure. You've got that Ripple stuff, right?
Speedwagon: Thanks! You're a great help! Where zombies gather, Dio's probably been underfoot! The entrance to the ruins is by the river. It's barred off, but I found a key.
Midler: If it's for Jotaro, I'd gladly break the lock with my Stand.
Jotaro: Or I could just punch it open.
Speedwagon: No need! I already have the key!
Midler: Hmph...

Without having recruited Stroheim and Speedwagon, we'd be stuck hunting down the key like Cascada did. This story path also prevents Gallahad from joining us here in Aswan.

The temple in question, dedicated to Isis and located on a small island in the Nile, was mostly flooded for decades due to the British construction of Aswan Low Dam in 1902. The construction of the modern Aswan High Dam in the 1960s threatened to submerge it completely. During the 1970s, UNESCO funded a reconstruction operation that involved damming off the island, pumping out all the water, then dismantling and reconstructing the entire temple on a different, higher island.

Bradio: Wait, when was this?
Polnareff: You were with Kakyoin and Abdul at the time.
Bradio: Damn...
Midler: (I wish I could have seen this hidden side of him <3)
Jotaro: ...? The hell are you talking about?

Jotaro: ...give me a break. Are you even looking for Dio?

Midler may only join the party if we're rolling with Jotaro, but that doesn't mean she leaves if we start hanging with someone else.

With Polnareff's FP event out of the way, we head back to the inn and grab some souvenirs. I also ditch him to get Joseph's event on the way up there.

We stock up on Game Boys since money is no consequence. They don't do anything, but it's nice to see the sprite in our room at the start of the game.

Last time, this gave us a hint towards where to get the key for the ruins, but we have that already.

Joseph: Oh, actually, I already tried it while I was over here! Didn't find anything of interest, unfortunately.
Bradio: I see... ...Why were you over here, though?
Joseph: Huh? ...Hey! Mind your own business! I was just doing a little investigation of my own.
Bradio: Investigation? What about?
Joseph: Just... the whereabouts of an old friend of mine.
Speedwagon: I already told Bradio that Stroheim is in Italy right now!
Joseph: Obviously not him!

Abdul's FP is high enough that he won't gain any from mere edible arrangements.

I miss out on a solid 1 FP here by playing sub-optimally. Kakyoin's at 9, and the Game Boy gives 3. Fruit Baskets can increase FP up to 10... which means I should have given him that before the Game Boy. Damn.

Here is where I realize my foolish mistake. I should have reloaded a save but I am committed to depicting my fuck-ups true to life.

We will once again be bringing Iggy into the ruins in the interest of getting his FP past the 10 threshold as quickly as possible.

We only had Gallahad guesting last time. It's pretty rare to have a full squad of four in this game.

Good ol' shortcuts.

Well they weren't there before.

Speedwagon: Y-you're... Dire!
Dire: Hm? Aren't you that bandit friend of Jonathan's?
Speedwagon: I have a name, you know! But more importantly... What are YOU doing here!?
Dire: What are you talking about? I was just on my way to Dio's mansion. Yet somehow, I ended up in this den of zombies! Where have Master Tompeti and Straits gone off to...?
Speedwagon: T-that's exactly what happened to me and Stroheim! I remember... When I was warped away, I was looking for Dio's manor with you and the others!
Dire: What are you mumbling about? And who's your friend?
Bradio: ...Allow me to explain...
Bradio: It all began when I woke up in my room and my portable radio started talking to me...

Speedwagon: I'm particularly taken with this item called a "nuclear warhead"!
Bradio: Aaand that's why I'm the one holding the bag.

Bradio: Well, but what if I need your help?
Midler: What could you possibly need my help for?
Bradio: ...sexy morale?
Midler: Ugh. I'm leaving.

We met this guy back at the radio station. Even if our levels were all at normal numbers, Dire could probably solo the ruins. He's got high stats and while he only has a handful of Ripple moves, they're about the only ones you'd ever need.

Yeah, yeah, zombies.

Zombies, rocks, whatever.

Freu is meant to be the "what if a regular dude got a Stand" character. Hence he's kind of sad and pathetic, and maybe a little too familiar.

Speedwagon: You wouldn't survive ten minutes on Ogre Street!

The way the game calculates "range" is that Short, Middle, and Long are all internally considered different types of elemental damage. Freu's set to take 0% damage from the Short element.

Dire: A poor imitation of my technique, Speedwagon! You'd have to practice the Ripple for another thirty years, minimum!

Dire: Here's how you REALLY do it!

I'd love to skip, but this sequence probably plays a little better if you have a better idea of what the game is actually about.

Bradio: I know you! Back in Singapore, you...!
Vins: Allow me to introduce myself a second time... I'm Vins, Stand user and member of the terrorist organization known as the Slaves to Fate.
Bradio: Slaves to fate...? What kind of terrorist organization is that?
Vins: My mission is to plunge this world into chaos... To pull the rug under the feet of those who have grown complacent with peace.
Bradio: But why...?

We've learned by now that the Slaves to Fate weren't founded by Vins; she basically just wormed her way in and then killed all the execs with zombies. This vague bullshit pretty much is what they're actually about though.

It's weird because her kid will still be dead; going back to the main timeline is just going to cause universal recursion again, causing her kid to die again. I imagine this is more about reclaiming her spot as universal observer.

Bradio: ? ...What are you talking about?
Vins: You don't belong in this world.
Bradio: ...Come again?
Vins: In reality, your journey was meant to consist of 6 Stand users and 6 only. When Dio is felled and the world is saved... You are not present. Not according to the true story...
Bradio: ...I don't think I understand.
Vins: The true story... That is... "fate". In this world's fate, the one I know, you do not exist! During the fast-forward, the axes of time were merged and this twisted parallel world was created...
Bradio: Fast-forward...?
Vins: If I told you now, you wouldn't understand. It's something both long since past... and far in the future.

Vins: Rip them to shreds! Hanoi Rocks!!
Bradio: Deep Purple!

We have two Lv50 Ripple-users here. This is not a fight.

lol, lmao

Bradio: Why do all the hot ladies always just want to kill me...
Iggy: woof...

And that's pretty much a wrap on Aswan.

Bradio: ...She mentioned... something about her child...
Speedwagon: ...Well, I imagine she lost her child in an accident or some such... She must've convinced herself that your death would bring them back.

Kind of weird to have Speedwagon deliver this line here seeing as Steel does it otherwise.

Dire: I've gotta accept that the real me died long ago... At that blasted Dio's hands, too... What a miserable way to go.
Speedwagon: Dire...
Dire: I don't really have any means to fight a Stand... And I never got to avenge Mr. Zeppeli... ...I'll go after Dio on my own and see if there really is no way to get back at him. Besides, there's some training I want to do... As things are now, I'm feeling pretty pathetic.
Speedwagon: ...I see. I won't try to persuade you otherwise.
Bradio: In any case, I'd better get back to the hotel. I'm worried about Kakyoin, and I need to let the others know what happened.

Vins: Maybe I'll ready a bunker next time... these rocks are quite annoying...

Alicia: Berlin... Because of my power... So many souls are being consumed... My will-o'-the-wisps have stolen so many lives... And I can do nothing to stop it from happening...
Berlin: Alicia. It isn't your fault. All of that is fated. We have to fight against our destiny, no matter what. Mr. Steel said he'd find a way to turn things back to normal. Right?

Alicia: But with my power, Element of Freedom... The power to gather the flames of life... I resided in that infant. To keep my body alive, I uncontrollably... keep sapping away the life energy of others... More, and more, and more...
Berlin: You didn't make the rules of your Stand, Alicia! It's ridiculous to think that you'd ever be able to fully control such a powerful ability... To seal away that power, we just have to return this warped universe back to the way it was... That's why we need to hurry to the meeting place.
Alicia: ...Berlin... After that... What's going to happen to us? I'm not afraid to die... I've already died once, after all. But Berlin... If fate is reset, then you...
Berlin: It's all right, Alicia. I believe that my Stand, Living Things, was also meant for this purpose...

This is all certainly a bit more relevant now with Stroheim and Speedwagon. I almost wish that they did a little more with it; when I first played the game I assumed the actual 7th Stand User themselves was also a revivified corpse somehow.

Alicia: Iggy...

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

60 - Master of Seduction

2026-02-13T19:40:54.371Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we rejoined the rest of the squad. This time, it's back under the sea.

As usual for this second go-around, I'll fast-forward through some spots where nothing meaningful has changed from Cascada's run. I trust you to either have paid enough attention last time or to check the tapes yourself as needed.

Jotaro: What do you know about it?
Abdul: I've heard stories... The user's name is Midler. She can control her Stand from afar, so she must be above water... The High Priestess can turn into anything made of glass or metal. Not to mention plastic, vinyl, rubber... There's no clear way to tell where she is until the moment she strikes...
Bradio: If it was the only one left, why didn't you tell us what it could do before we got on the sub?
Abdul: You cannot expect me to remember EVERY detail...

The first functional submarine is considered to have been built in the 1620s by a Dutchman named Cornelis Jacobszoon Drebbel. It moved via oar and was only ever used for demonstration purposes in the Thames. They apparently maintained breathable air inside by cooking the oxygen out of saltpetre.

The first confirmed use of submarines for military purposes was during the American Civil War. The Confederate sub CSS Hunley sank the USS Housatonic with a spar torpedo (read: bomb on a long stick), killing five Union sailors. However, the Hunley was damaged by its own blast and sank itself, killing all eight Confederates aboard.

Again, the "face her here" option throws us into a turn-limited battle that's generally quite easy due to having a full four-person squad. Winning skips the rest of the event... but I'm trying for a particular Chaos Mode gag. Adjacent room it is!

Joseph: "Scuba" means "Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus"!
Polnareff: Okay, but HOW do you scuba dive!?
Bradio: It looks so easy in the movies...

Since I linked the anime's version of this scene last time, here's the manga page in question, which has a handy explanation of the joke (remember, read right-to-left):

Polnareff: YEAAAH!
Abdul: .........
Bradio: YEAAAH!!
Kakyoin: .........
Polnareff: YEAAAH!!!
Jotaro: .........
Bradio: YEAAAH!!!!

Frankly I have no idea why they had to go through Polnareff's nostrils first, especially since they still yank High Priestess out of his mouth. Seems more efficient to go for the bigger hole.

Polnareff: It's been so tiny up until now!! Where is his strength coming from!?
Midler: Geehahahahahahaha!! God, you guys are slow! How can you not realize that the seafloor is full of minerals!?
Kakyoin: For the Stand to be this size, the user has to be somewhere extremely close!
Midler: You got that right! Just 20 feet above you, in fact! Unfortunately, I'll crunch you up in my High Priestess' mouth before you get a chance to even see what I look like!
Polnareff: Sounds like just what you wanted, Bradio!
Bradio: NOT LIKE THIS

Midler: Jotaro!
Jotaro: !
Midler: That's right, you heard me! You know, you're exactly my type of man... Digesting you with my High Priestess would break my heart!
Polnareff: ! Jotaro! Over here... (whisper, whisper)
Jotaro: Give me a break... Do I really have to say it?
Polnareff: Yes! C'mon, go!

Bradio: (...He's lobster red. 💧)
Polnareff: I... I bet you're a knockout beauty! I can tell from your voice!
Bradio: (...Maybe he should pile it on a bit more... 💧)
Abdul: I agree. Very high-class and regal...
Bradio: (...With THAT foul mouth? 💧)
Joseph: Baby, if I were 30 years younger...
Bradio: (...I'm guessing his personality's more or less the same.)
Kakyoin: Doesn't her sweet voice remind you of Audrey Hepburn's?

We don't get a snide aside for Kakyoin because we're still sub-12 FP with him on this go, having lost out on the big boost from taking his side during the Death 13 business.

Midler: .........
Jotaro: .........

Chaos Mode strikes again!

Abdul: The High Priestess's "user", Midler.
Midler: Your passionate call for love... I'm already giddy <3
Polnareff: Why, ain't she a pretty face.
Midler: Hey! What do you mean by just "pretty", huh? Huh!?
Polnareff: Oh no...
Kakyoin: What do we do, Mr. Joestar?
Joseph: Mmm. Well, it's good we made it to Egypt in one piece. However...
Jotaro: ...Hey, Midler. Don't you know where Dio is?

Bradio: (This is so unfair...)
Cascada: (You wouldn't have stood a chance anyway.)
Bradio: (DON'T RUB IT IN)

I've been kicking myself for reaching it in 19 days the first time we got here ever since. The 20-for-20 is a way more elegant match.

Also, we did Submarine Route at the maximum possible speed and it's still slower than the Manga Route by one day. This will bite me in the ass a few updates from now.

There's not much to do in the village, so might as well knock it out immediately. No big, long hiatus this go around.

Steel: We've finally reached Egypt. It was a long time coming... But it's too early to relax your guard. Dio has minions even in a village like this. They might be located more easily if you're with Joseph. You should try asking the villagers if they've seen anyone suspicious.

Right around here I decide to make Abdul our Best Bud this run, since if I recall correctly he was the runner-up in that original Cohost poll.

Giving me war flashbacks to Cascada's Big Offscreen Grind...

As before, the main FP stuff in this area is just taking everyone to see the fortune teller in turn.

Since Abdul's in the FP lead, we get a glimpse of his fate in the original manga. Can he be saved?

Otherwise, everyone's fortunes are still the same as last time. Eagle-eyed readers will however spot some differences in the bar, such as...

Bradio: Wanna hang out?
Midler: Never.
Bradio: I hear there's a for-
Midler: What?
Bradio: A fortune tel-
Midler: WHAT?
Bradio: Do you wanna go to the fortune tel-
Midler: NEVER.
Bradio: ...Mayb-
Midler: NEVER!!

With Joseph in tow, we can go take out that one mid-boss again.

???: ...You've got a lot of time on your hands, don't you?
Joseph: And you are!?
Faith: The name's Faith. I'm under orders from Dio to kill you.
Joseph: Another one of Dio's assassins!? And sleeping in the room right next to ours, no less...!
Faith: You really like to shout, don't you? Can you use your indoor voice, please? But still... Your Stand can even search inside people's brains? That's not good... I'd better make quick work of you. Kill 'em dead, Flies!

We are so overpowered that I have to actively sandbag a couple turns for Jotaro to show.

Jotaro: ...What's all the noise for?
Joseph: Jotaro! You came at the perfect time!
Jotaro: Flies, huh...? So that's what's been buzzing around keeping me awake.
Faith: You really like to stick your nose where it doesn't belong, don't you? Whatever. I'll burn you to ash along with them.
Cascada: (HIT HIM WITH A ROCK JOTARO)
Bradio: Wha-

Jotaro: ...I had a sudden urge to throw rocks... bizarre...
Bradio: .........

One more order of business.

Midler now hangs out in every hub, and she'll only join your active party if you talk to her while hanging with Jotaro.

Midler is incredibly weak. Her stats are garbage and she's AI-controlled.

It's neat she does actually have some unique skills, I guess? If you don't spend the extra turns keeping her HP topped off, then I suppose any extra damage helps. But we're also super overpowered and don't need her.

Alas, there's very little (if any) unique dialogue for Midler being in your party. Chaos Mode only goes so far.

One last thing: Joey only makes his final stand once you've beaten him in Varanasi. Since we took the Submarine Route, we simply didn't go to Varanasi, and thus Joey isn't here either. Just as well, honestly.

Now that we're finally in Egypt again, the end of Bradio's Bizarre Adventure is starting to come into focus. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

6 - Bugs on a Plane

2026-03-20T14:30:46.977Z

(Originally posted March 29, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Recap: If Dio isn't defeated within 50 days, Holly's own Stand will kill her. Cascada has signed on to this mission, For Great Justice. But she does need to tell her family that she's going to spend her summer vacation traveling to Egypt to hunt down an evil vampire.

She gives us some Sweets (25%+10 HP/SP), probably the most consistently reliable healing item across the entire game. Good kid.

Pops gives us 1000G, enough for twenty (20) drinks from the vending machine outside. Travel expenses indeed.

Now you may think from this option that stomachaches or getting sick might be something we need to keep an eye on; you're not supposed to drink water in places you aren't used to, after all. They aren't.

I wouldn't call this a trap per se, but if you pick the first option, you have declared to the game to make you susceptible to the Stomachache condition, which can force your character to run to a bathroom while in the field. The Sickly trait is worse, because it creates an invisible exhaustion variable that can land you in the hospital (expensive) or force you to rest and skip the timer forward a day. There are actual reasons you might pick these, but definitely not on a first playthrough.

Cascada is The Machine anyway. She don't need no stinkin' medicine.

And for our final order of business before leaving Japan, we hit up the 7-11 to stock up on some travel essentials.

A girl's gotta be prepared.

Speaking of, fighting off more Murderdolls on the street gets Cascada to Level 6, where we get the Laser Beam skill; our first all-targeting attack. The Machine's ascent to power continues.

Let's hit the road!

Dio: Looks like they're coming... to Egypt... Joseph... and Jotaro... is it......

In the manga/anime, Dio is using something akin to Joseph's Stand here (thorns, spirit photography) to spy on the party; the implication is that it's Jonathan Joestar's Stand. The way I've always thought about it is that because of the Stand trickle-down effect on the Joestar line, Dio's Stand has all of their powers in at least some form.

Impressive cobbling together of a plane from tile assets, honestly. The cloud background also constantly undulates, creating a decent sense of motion.

Joseph: Watch out... I have a feeling we might have some unwanted company aboard this plane...

Right on cue, a giant fucking beetle appears.

I hate bugs. One time in Malaysia when I was about 11-12 years old, an Atlas moth landed directly on my chest and that shit put the fear of God in me.

Japan loves contrasting rhinoceros beetles (kabutomushi) and stag beetles (kuwagatamushi). Think Kabuterimon and Kuwagamon, Metabee and Rokusho, Kamen Rider Kabuto and Kamen Rider Gatack.

Joseph: Ugh... it's somewhere in the seats... A bug inside the plane? That's definitely not normal!
Abdul: W-where is it!?

Cascada: It has to be hidden somewhere among the other passengers!

Imagine the sound of buzzing insect wings directly by your ear, but the insect is the size of your head and also making wet schloppy noises.

Jotaro: Disgusting... Let me take care of this.
Abdul: B-be careful... I've heard of a bug-like Stand before... One that likes to tear out and eat human tongues...!

Abdul: I-I can't believe it! Not even Star Platinum, which can stop a bullet in midair, could land a single hit!
Kakyoin: There's no doubt now! The bug's a Stand! Where's the one controlling it!? ...Shoot!! It's attacking!

Jotaro: Shit!! That was too close...
Joseph: He did it! He stopped the needle!
Abdul: But one second later and his tongue would have been torn to shreds... This Stand is no pushover!
Abdul: I know this Stand...! It's the Tower card! It symbolizes mayhem! Destruction! Interruption of journeys!

Magician's Red, Hermit Purple, Hierophant Green, Star Platinum... if you haven't noticed by now, the Stand name motif for a while is going to be [Tarot Card] + [Color]. It eventually moves on to just straight up band names and music references, which is why Cascada's stand is Quicksilver.

Abdul: I'd heard talk of this Stand before, but I didn't know it was working for Dio... It specializes in accidents... Train wrecks, plane crashes, the works... He likes to make his killings look natural.

Abdul: And now he's on Dio's side...!

I looked this up and the closest match I could find was the Pan Am 103 incident, where a bomb caused the plane to crash in a residential area in Scotland, killing 270 people. A Libyan former airline executive was convicted of the bombing in 2001.

Joseph: Who's controlling the Stand!? Where are they!? (They have to be somewhere on this plane... Where there's a Stand, the user can't be far!)

Tower of Gray zips over to the other side of the plane, behind a row of sleeping passengers.

Jotaro: (What's it planning...? Wait... It can't be...!)

In an instant, Tower of Gray pierces a column of bystanders!

(Massacre!)

This giant bug is painting on the wall with five severed human tongues skewered on a giant needle. JoJo has always been sort of horror-adjacent and it's easy to forget just how gory it can get.

Abdul: T-the nerve of the bastard!

Abdul: Incinerate it, Magician's Red!!

We used to smoke on planes, so, I mean. Maybe burning up a bunch of oxygen would probably be fine as long as those masks still drop from the ceiling. With a Stand, you could put it on yourself and the person next to you simultaneously!

Kakyoin: [whack] Back to sleep.
Kakyoin: That "Instant-Knockout-Neck-Chop" elective from last year is really coming in handy...

The way it was explained to me, any hit to the head that's strong enough to instantly knock someone unconscious is a hit that's likely killed them instantly.

And we enter the actual boss fight, and it's our first time with a full party! I like how Joseph starts out at a higher level than the rest, because he's already been on a bunch of bizarre adventures.

Everybody is automatically inflicted with the "CantFind" status, which basically means they cannot target the enemy. He'll just dodge every attack.

Like so.

Kakyoin: He's even faster than I thought! There's only one thing to do! We'll have to use attacks that target all enemies in order to hit him!

In the manga, this was Kakyoin's time to shine as the Newest Party Member; he stretched Hierophant Green out into a net that Tower of Gray couldn't avoid. Here, while CantFind means we can't target him, we simply use attacks that don't require a target.

Often, you're going into this fight with only Kakyoin and Joseph having multi-target attacks, and the two of them are perfectly sufficient to take down Tower of Gray. But Cascada got a fancy new Laser Beam and she's itching to try it out.

Cascada: Woah oh, asshole!

Cascada: ......
Kakyoin: ......
Abdul: ......
Joseph: ......
Jotaro: ......Give me a @#S% break......

To enforce the tutorial aspects of this fight, Tower of Gray has abnormally high defense unless you're hitting him at the correct range. Jotaro's stats are high enough to actually offset the CantFind status somewhat, and him landing a surprise crit in the first turn after all those story bits would just be silly... But it does mean that Cascada's shiny new attack is absolutely useless unless Tower of Gray moves into Long range.

A couple turns of Kakyoin and Joseph blasting him wraps things up pretty quickly.

Cascada: T-that old guy's tongue was imprinted with the shape of a beetle!!

Joseph: I didn't shoot my grandfather's friend with a Tommy gun on the streets of New York during the war to hear you badmouth old folks, kid.
Kakyoin: No offense intended. Your Hermit Purple is elegant, like that well-trimmed bush in Holly's garden.
Jotaro: You want to run that one by me again, Kakyoin?
Kakyoin: Er... Perhaps another time...

Joseph: !! That's odd... Is it me, or is the plane tilted on its side...? N-no, I'm not just imagining it! It's definitely tilting!

Joseph books it to the front of the plane, followed shortly by the rest of the party.

Jotaro: Their tongues have been yanked out. Must've been that damned beetle...
Joseph: We're going down... The controls are broken, too! We're going to crash!!

Silly as it is, I like this bit because we just confirmed that this guy doesn't have a flesh bud and is usually just a gun for hire. Dio's power and charisma is so insidious that he's inspiring even opportunistic mass-murderers to give their lives for him; it seems the flesh buds are required only for those who might otherwise resist his wiles.

Jotaro: You guys are real professionals. Despite everything, you haven't screamed... Would've been a pain if you did. This old guy here is gonna make an emergency landing, so tell the passengers to brace for impact. We're counting on you.

All those times Jotaro skipped school, he was actually practicing his negging skills.

Kakyoin: ...P-propeller planes...?
Cascada: I-I don't know about this...
Joseph: Look on the bright side! There aren't any piranhas this time!

Cascada: ......
Kakyoin: ......
Abdul: ......
Jotaro: ......

This is genuinely one of my favorite gags in the entire series. Gets me every time.

Next time, we've got a whole new hub map to explore!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

59 - Oil-lamping is the New Gaslighting

2026-02-06T18:25:37.113Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we barely averted everyone dying from falling rocks. This time, we get back on track with the main plot.

The dialogue and pun here actually is a bit different from Update 26. Neat!

This scheme was already comically brazen with Abdul, but it was at least plausible then.

Kakyoin: That silhouette... Could it be!?
Joseph: Wait! I'll do the talking. You guys wait here.

Polnareff: Ah...
Kakyoin: Bradio!!
Jotaro: Funky Party...
Polnareff: Is that really...!?

Kakyoin: I knew it... Bradio wears glasses...
Polnareff: You're right... it's completely impossible for this to be him...
Joseph: But... explaining the circumstances of Funky Party's death... won't be easy.
Polnareff: .........
Joseph: You had no part in his death, Polnareff.
Polnareff: ...No... I'm partially responsible. I've already accepted that fact.
Kakyoin: Is he a Stand user as well?
Joseph: Yes... He's been targeted by Dio's assassins as well. Which is why he saw right through my story...
Kakyoin: Is he planning on coming with us?
Joseph: Yes, he said as much, but I don't like the idea of endangering yet another innocent life...

In the original Space Battleship Yamato, one of the named fighter pilots dies partway through the story. To justify continued use of stock footage, they later introduce his identical twin. In Star Blazers, he simply doesn't die in the first place.

Bradio: Yes... It wasn't easy!
Joseph: Ahh, sorry about that.
Bradio: It was WAY more expensive than I thought...
Joseph: Well... it can't be helped, I suppose.
Bradio: That's, uh... that's it?
Joseph: ?? What do you mean?
Cascada: (Damn rich people...)
Joseph: We've been attacked by new Stand users each day, so it's been tough on our end as well. But by traveling at the bottom of the ocean, we should be able to avoid detective until Egypt. We'll depart later, under the cover of night.
Bradio: I see... And the other four?
Joseph: Jotaro and Kakyoin are keeping an eye out for potential attackers, and Abdul's studying the submarine manual. We've got everything covered. Polnareff took a walk around... I think it's because I reminded him of your "death". He should be back before nightfall.
Bradio: Is that so...? I can't wait to see his face when he finds out the news.
Joseph: Why don't you go meet him? Of course, there could still be an enemy on the island, so keep it quiet.
Bradio: You got it.

Bradio: ?
???: Do you not get it yet! I'm a Stand! I'm the Stand of the Judgement arcanum! I can grant people's wishes using the earth! You wished for your sister and your dead friend Bradio to come back! They're your problem now!
Polnareff: Gyaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
???: Now, prepare to be devoured! HAIL 2U!!
Bradio: !! T-that sounds like Polnareff!! He must've been attacked by an enemy! I have to find him... There's no time to call everyone else!

The idea here is that you are on an enormous prairie map, and you have to find Polnareff before his HP hits zero.

Bradio: Where do I go? I can barely see 10 feet in front of me like this...
Steel: It seems Polnareff has encountered an enemy... If you don't find him soon, it'll be too late! Polnareff's remaining HP is 516. He has to be somewehre in this prairie!
Bradio: ...uh...
Cascada: (Yeah, he's always like this.)

The party is definitely overleveled so Polnareff's HP is significantly higher than standard, but this isn't particularly tense no matter how you slice it.

If you're playing on Easy mode, new tiles appear throughout the game with literal "THIS WAY =>" arrows. We must instead make do with the obvious arrows built into the map itself.

Like many elements in the game, the triggers for Polnareff taking damage are invisible event tiles scattered about the map and set to move randomly. A few of them do 30 damage instead of 10.

Easy.

Cameo: What!? T-this is impossible!!
Polnareff: !! There really is another Funky Party! My eyes didn't deceive me! There's another Funky Party besides the clone!

I wish the game didn't stick to the script so much here. It's a huge missed opportunity, as recognized by this other legacy comment from Cohost that I saved.

If I had a working install of RPG Maker 2000, it probably wouldn't be too difficult to go in and edit the event to just call your catchphrase instead of displaying "YES I AM!". Maybe another time.

Bradio: You haven't changed a bit, Polnareff... You're still always going off on your own and waltzing right into the enemy's traps! You were making a big ruckus, so I came down to complain, and what do I see but you getting attacked by an enemy Stand? Might as well help you out while I'm here...

Charitably, I guess you could chalk it up to Joseph's prank script including an addendum for if an enemy Stand attacks. I wouldn't put it past the old coot.

"Pervert" tag strikes again!

Cameo: Nnnnngghhh...
Bradio: You said you were the Stand of the Judgement card, right? I've decided to finish you off... and send you to hell! HELL 2 U!
Polnareff: My... My 3rd wish... It really did come true...!!
Bradio: Bradio still lives! Shouldn't you be running off to let your buddies know the bad news? Eh, Cameo?
Polnareff: (That's right! I have to tell everyone!)
Cameo: ...That is some terrible news... But by the time I tell them, it'll already be irrelevant... Instead, I'll tell them about how Cameo beat the snot out of that asshole Polnareff and the still-living Bradio! Oh, what splendid news!

Cameo: HAIL 2U!
Polnareff: B-bastard! Even if it's just a fake, that's still my sister! How dare he!
Bradio: H-he's quite a powerful opponent...
Polnareff: Be careful! He's not just strong, but fast, too!
Cameo: Huhuhuhuhuhu... Bradio... Why don't you tell me your wishes? I'll grant them for you! You might as well, seeing as you're about to die anyway!
Bradio: ......
Cameo: C'mon! Try it! You have 3 wishes!
Polnareff: H-he's just toying with us...

Bradio: Now, I'm not NECESSARILY saying I'm into that, but on like, a theoretical level... maybe...?
Polnareff: It'll be a fake anyway! You'll never finish!
Bradio: Tch... In that case...

Cameo: You make a joke of this...!!
Bradio: So you won't do it, Cameo!? You shouldn't make promises you can't keep!
Cameo: Bradio! Do you want to have another fruitless test of strength!?

Hey, while we're here, let's try out that special move Polnareff got from beating Anubis!

I am convinced that something is bugged in this game causing DEF-piercing attacks to not work properly. I was getting the same problem with Jotaro's Star Breaker earlier.

The rest of this sequence is going to be pretty much exactly the same as before.

Bradio: My first wish is for you to scream in pain! Sounds like that one's already come true...
Cameo: I-impossible! He's too strong! Much stronger than I'd heard!
Bradio: I fought off a lot of Stands and braved a lot of battlefields to get here! My life was on the line every waking second!
Polnareff: What in the world were you up to...?
Bradio: I had to spend all my time with an old-timey London thug and a nazi! A GODDAMN NAZI!! IT SUCKED!!!
Polnareff: Huh!?
Bradio: I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SCORE WITH THE HOT SECRETARY IN THE DEATH MANSION'S EVIL ZOMBIE BASEMENT
Polnareff: ...Uh... Unforgivable......?
Bradio: It was tiring, but I built up quite a bit of muscle between now and then... A Stand like you is a piece of cake! Now for my second wish...!

Bradio: I wish for you to yelp in fear! Now, for my third wish...! I wish to hear your cries of regret!!
Cameo: Yeeeeeeeeep!!

Bradio: With that power and speed, the user must be near. That's the rule! He must be very, very close... But where...? Nothing sticks out to me in particular just from taking a look around... Let's find out where the Stand regenerates.

Well. Okay.

Look, at least in the manga route, Cameo's true location isn't right next to you.

Polnareff: (So he's hiding under the ground!! Damn you... How should I make you pay for using my sister!? HELL 2 U!)
Polnareff: Let's put stuff in the pipe! Mud... Dirt... A spider... An ant... A burnt-out match...
Pipe: Pfffttt!! -koff, koff- -gurgle-! -hack-!
Polnareff: You think I'm done with you!?
Bradio: Hey, Polnareff. Don't we have other matters to attend to? Since it's been a while, let's do "that" together as proof of our friendship!

Certain player Stands actually drop more stuff down the pipe. Too bad Deep Purple isn't one of them.

Polnareff: So, uh, nazi...?
Bradio: He kept trying to blow up everything and wouldn't shut up about German science. It was awful.
Polnareff: London thug??
Bradio: His hat had knives in it. It was crazy.

CAMEO (STAND: "JUDGEMENT")
-CAN NO LONGER FIGHT-
(hospitalized from THC overdose)

Joseph: Polnareff! We were worried about you!
Kakyoin: Where'd you get those wounds?
Jotaro: Did you get attacked by an enemy?
Polnareff: Forget about my injuries for a second! You're not gonna believe this, guys! Get ready... Guess who it is!? You're gonna be so thrilled! Da-dada-da-daaaaaaaaa...

Jotaro: Yo, Bradio.
Kakyoin: How've you been?
Abdul: Is your back feeling any better?
Bradio: It's getting there. There's just a little scarring.
Joseph: How was your trip back from India?

Okay, that's complete bullshit, but I suppose if we are narrowing the scope of the statement to specifically "Dio's minions", it's technically true.

Also, for anyone wondering if this means Abdul had to go through the whole West Bengal and Charlie Rich's Mansion stuff, I'd say... probably not! Vins was directly involved in orchestrating both of those scenarios because she wants to kill only the 7th Stand User. Abdul buying the submarine would be in accordance with the original timeline, so she would have no reason to interfere.

Jotaro: It's been a pretty long time. I'm glad you made it back safe.
Bradio: Well, it seems like you had a rough enough time yourselves!
Polnareff: Hey! Wait! Hold the phone! You guys! H-how can you be so blase about this!? You just reunited with someone who you thought was dead! What's with all the small talk!?
Joseph: Oh... Sorry, Polnareff! We already knew about Bradio. We lied!
Polnareff: W-w-wh-whaaaaaat!?
Bradio: Actually, it was Mr. Joestar and Jotaro who helped me get treatment back in India.

I honestly still think this is one of the more fucked-up things the party does to Polnareff.

Polnareff: Even you, Kakyoin!?
Kakyoin: I was actually the one who first suggested to keep it a secret... Since you have a tendency to run your mouth.
Polnareff: And Abdul!? I thought you were more serious than that!
Abdul: Hmhm... I helped Mr. Joestar write the script.

Polnareff: S... say whaaaaaat!? You went to those lengths to mess with me!? Have you no shame!? -sniffle-
Bradio: Sorry, Polnareff! I had to come to the island in disguise for a reason.
Joseph: We needed to buy something without the enemy knowing.
Bradio: Something that would attract a lot of attention. I posed as a rich entrepreneur and bought it. (Although it ended up being free anyhow...)
Polnareff: What do you mean?
Joseph: All abooooooard!!

Jotaro: So this is how we're crossing the Red Sea?
Kakyoin: We should be able to evade the enemy's sight this way...
Polnareff: Man, this is turning out to be an expensive trip! Funky Party, do you know how to operate this thing!?
Bradio: No, I had Stroheim drop it off.
Joseph: Don't forget about me!
Bradio: I'd rather Abdul take the wheel.
Jotaro: You've lost your privileges after what happened last time, Gramps.

This is a pretty solid unlimited-use attack item! It's especially nice to have in the final battle against Vins if you're saddled with a weaker Support Stand.

And the two routes are now fully synced back up. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

58 - Biohazard But Worse

2026-01-30T21:04:57.079Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time our resident Nazi cyborg gassed an innocent girl (thankfully she survived). This time, we're going survival horror mode.

Ominous!

Charlie Rich is named after an American country singer.

It's not that I want to be so mega-rich that light bends around me. I just want to have enough money that I don't ever have to worry about price tags for daily necessities.

Bradio: What!?
Charlie: I have a submarine below the mansion! Feel free to use it.
Cascada: (Oh fuck yes. Tell Mr. Joestar it was super expensive and keep the cash!)
Bradio: (Way ahead of you!)
Cascada: (I knew you were alright.)
Speedwagon: Woooah! You're so generous! Thank you so much, benevolent sir!
Stroheim: ...I didn't expect it to be this easy.
Charlie: Oh no, I don't mind at all! I don't get much use out of it. It was a bit of an impulse purchase. It's yours... If you can find it.
Bradio: !? ...What do you mean?

Speedwagon: ...Mr. Charlie. I'm sorry, but we're quite strapped for time. We need a submarine right away.
Charlie: Hmm, that IS a problem... Better hurry up and find it, then!
Charlie: I left everything I own... in one piece.
Stroheim: Who do you think you are!? We have no time to play around with you! Tell us how much you want for it!
Charlie: Then shouldn't you be getting going? I told you, I don't intend to sell it.
Speedwagon: ...I didn't want this to come to blows... But if this continues, we'll have to get the information out of you by force!
Charlie: Oh my, a violent one, aren't we? Unfortunately, threats won't get you anywhere.

Speedwagon: Sir Stroheim, waste this wanker!
Stroheim: GERMAN SCIENCE!!!

We last saw this boulder back in Update 4. Fans of the JoJo series will recognize it as the Stand Rolling Stones. It's an independent, automatic Stand that pursues random targets and kills them instantly on contact.

Eat your heart out, Mr. X.

One load later...

I run in a big circle to juke it, which doesn't always work.

The stone usually won't follow you immediately, and there's a "rocks falling" audio cue to tell you when it spawns in on your current map. It does always chase you on these outer connecting bridges, though.

Also zombies, to fully cement we're in the mansion-based survival horror zone.

Bradio: ...! Are you... Hol Horse!?
Hol Horse: ! ...What? How do the zombies know my name?
Bradio: ...? You seriously don't remember? (Not that I have a problem with that...)
Hol Horse: ...............!! E-eeeeeeeek! Y-yo-you're...!! I-I knew you were a zombie!! I killed you already!
Bradio: Darn, I was kind of hoping you forgot... Anyway, I'm not a zombie. Now will you put that gun away?
Hol Horse: Say whaaat!?

Since the game skips some of Hol Horse's later comically ineffectual villain antics, I think it's a fun choice to add him back in here.

Also, if we come here as a female character, he starts straight up crying in joy over the revelation he only meant to shoot a woman in the head in cold blood instead of actually doing it.

Hol Horse: I came to scout out a new partner! The owner of this mansion is supposed to be a Stand user.
Bradio: Hmm... Unfortunately for you, this mansion's owner was killed by a falling rock just now.
Hol Horse: W-what'd you just say!?
Bradio: A stocky Arabian man, right? Do you want to go see? Although the boulder may still be there...
Hol Horse: ...Whew! What are you thinking, scaring me like that! That's his body double.
Bradio: ...! Body double!?

The gag here being that the real Charlie Rich also went by the nickname Silver Fox.

Bradio: Zombies... Wait, is he a vampire!?
Speedwagon: My sledgehammer is ready!
Stroheim: UV LASERS ALSO READY
Hol Horse: Oh, no... Sorry, didn't mean to make it sound that way. I was actually wondering where they came from...
Bradio: (...There were a ton of zombies in the radio tower, too... But they said that Vins created those...)

Hol Horse: Plus, I'll give you all the info I've collected, and I won't breathe a word to Dio about you being here. Deal?
Bradio: ...Fine. Can't say I trust you, but getting out of here is my biggest priority for now... But I'm not letting you off easy! I know you have a price on my head, so one suspicious move and I won't hesitate!
Hol Horse: Sure thing. That fiery spirit is what I'm counting on you for! Well, shall we? Oh, but first... Be careful not to lay a finger on that rock. Touching it seems to cause instant death.
Bradio: Is that the owner's Stand?
Hol Horse: No, I don't think so. Allegedly, he has the power to trap people in buildings. We won't be able to break down the doors or windows... They're under his Stand's protection. And unlocking the front door won't open it...
Bradio: I see... This really isn't gonna be easy. That reminds me! We were here to get a submarine in the first place! I don't know where, but there should be one in the mansion...
Hol Horse: ! A submarine! That's it! It has to be underground! And if it is, that's our ticket out! The sea isn't a part of this mansion, after all!

This is an addition from the R Patch, and one I'm not terribly fond of. It just straight up gives you the answers to puzzles in this segment.

Speedwagon: Are you from America, Mister Horse?
Hol Horse: ...Let's go with yes!
Stroheim: Now our party is balanced between the Axis & Allies! We're unstoppable!
Bradio: ?? What do yo- WE ARE NOT AFFILIATED WITH YOU

New party member! For now!

Looks like Hol Horse's Emperor is a Long-range Special Stand just like Quicksilver. He's much more Speed oriented than Power, though.

People used to think Hol Horse was named after the band Full Force, but sources indicate he's actually named after Hall & Oates, which makes a bit more sense in katakana.

Cascada: (The hell it isn't!)
Bradio: (I mean... we're being chased by a killer boulder...)
Cascada: (YOU are, I'm not.)

Like many things in 7th Stand User, I think this segment is a really cool idea implemented in a kind of frustrating fashion.

These poor dinner guests all have hints for this level. I get that they were killed by zombies, but how would they know about the zombies' cell?

The looming danger of Boulder X means it's a good idea to save often and not dillydally in any given room too long.

Hol Horse: C means Center... R means Right, L means Left... and F means Floor. I saw a ladder hidden on the wall of the 2nd floor banquet hall... It's blocked by a shutter, but I bet you can control it from somewhere.
Speedwagon: But we're on the first floor, not second!
Hol Horse: What? This is the second floor.
Speedwagon: (Yanks don't even know how to count...)

We head south, through another connecting balcony.

If you somehow stay on this western hallway long enough without dying, you can see a maid moving back and forth on the left balcony there. Her dialogue in the game files is just, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA".

I guess it'd be feasible if you set up an awning or something? More importantly, we need to loot the chests in here like that one corpse wrote.

Hol Horse is actually pretty good in battle, despite being another uncontrollable guest character. He doesn't have many skills, but an all-target attack and a couple debuffs is really all you need. His basic attack also fires twice for double the crit chance.

With the Bar Key, we can backtrack to the bar on the mansion's east side.

And, just to be sure I didn't miss anything, I pop back to the room we started in.

I need to disabuse all of you of the notion I might be any good at video games.

After loading a save and retreading a few minutes, down the stairs we go.

Visible at the bottom left of the screen here are stairs leading down. They only appear after we unlock the cabinet in the bar.

Next up is the west wing.

Just to make sure you're definitely fucked if you fall for this, the boulder moves extra fast only here. We load again and go south.

Bradio: What about in this memo you gave me earlier?
Hol Horse: I don't remember doing that.

Speedwagon: If zombies could run... who knows what kind of damage they'd do! It would be catastrophic! The slums of London would be overrun in mere hours!
Stroheim: Let them run! They can never outrun the progress of GERMAN SCIENCE!!!
Hol Horse: (Hey, Bradio...)
Bradio: (Hm?)
Hol Horse: (What's with these freaks?)
Bradio: (I... I don't want to talk about it...)

Ah, well. If you're brushed up on your lore, you know that Part 1 begins in 1880, when Jonathan Joestar is 12 years old. When Dio Brando is adopted into the family, he's one year older than JoJo, so with some basic math...

Not that it makes any sense this would be the password on this computer since there's no reason Charlie Rich would have access to this information... but whatever.

Stroheim: BOULDER SPOTTED!!
Bradio: Shit! Into the bathroom!
Hol Horse: All of us at once!?

The bathroom is one of two rooms in the entire mansion that're completely safe from the boulder.

You can get as much Bottled Water as you want here to heal up between battles.

Bloodstained Notepad:
Zombies

The zombies were created by a woman called Vins. To further her group's agenda, I believe she plans to kill all of us as well as the owner of the mansion...
...I have to escape. It seems that because of their rotting flesh, the zombies' movement is limited. Using the "Run" command, even in the heat of battle, never seems to fail. There's not much in the way of weapons or medicine here, so it's best to save your strength.
I've been using water from the faucet to stave off my hunger, but I don't know how much longer I can last...

PCs

This mansion's security system is controlled by two password-protected PCs and two switches. There's one PC in the West Wing of the building, and another underground. There's supposedly one more, but I've yet to find it. There was a switch hidden in the wind cabinet, but the cabinet is locked shut. There's another switch underground, but all it does is power the submarine.
Push the switches, and they deactivate the security. It's that easy. The problem is the passwords... There are clues in the library in the East Wing, but those zombies are trouble...

Passwords

The answers to the passwords are hidden in the library! Unfortunately, there were so many books, I couldn't make any sense of it all. Better to find and inspect the PCs to find out which question you're trying to answer before fruitlessly searching through the library. Just don't let your guard down while reading...

Bloodstained Notepad:
Movement patterns

The stone moves in a set rhythm, switching between phasing and non-phasing steps. First it takes 5 steps... Then 2 more, during which it can phase through objects. Then, it stops for a little bit. It can't move any more than 7 steps at once before stopping. If there's an obstacle in its way, it can only move 2 steps.
The rock will take the most direct path towards you, so if you can put an obstacle between it and you, that should buy you some time to escape.

Where it appears

That rock can appear almost anywhere inside the mansion. It's dangerous to stand still no matter where you are. Be especially careful around entrances and stairs. If it's coming after you, try to leave the room as fast as you can. Once you leave, it will stop chasing you for a bit... It won't disappear, of course.
In addition... When re-entering a room, it seems to always appear at the same location. For example, if I go to the center room, it comes straight through the entrance. Walking through there, it may appear before your very eyes and kill you...

There you go, those are the boulder mechanics. For once the game does my job for me.

...So the boulder only spawns when you step on specific tiles, which call a random number to see if it does or not. Every room entrance/exit is one of these tiles, and more appear the further you get along in this sequence.

Entering Dio's birthday opened up this second staircase in the lobby.

Last time I went to the San Diego Maritime Museum, I saw the USS Dolphin, the last diesel-powered submarine to be phased out of the US Navy. It operated for so long because it was built as an experimental testbed platform, so it was still useful for R&D purposes until the early 00s.

Anyway, we can't do anything here for now. Off to the East Wing!

Other than the bottled water, you can get Rations from the refrigerators.

Down south we go!

Well. We didn't actually look at the other computer, but it's probably fine, right? Just make sure to remember literally everything on all these bookshelves. By the way, about a third of them have no meaningful information and just run the check to spawn the boulder.

Bookshelf:

April 7th: An engraving I ordered from an up-and-coming Italian sculptor just arrived. The craftsmanship is great, and it'll look wonderful in my mansion. But what's with that big rock that came with it...? When I asked the artist, he said he didn't remember sending it.

Bookshelf:

May 25th: The maids have been in an uproar from dusk to dawn today. Apparently, the new hire broke the engraving I had hanging in the center room. It was such a shock to the young thing that it stopped her heart and died. I've no sympathy for a girl who broke someone's possessions and died to get out of trouble.
It's not like I was going to ask her to reimburse me. But in any case, that wonderful art piece is shattered now... I suppose I'll keep the pieces in the storeroom.

Bookshelf:

June 2nd. I was looking for the pieces of the engraving and pricked my finger on something. My head started spinning, and I thought I was going to puke... Did it give me some kind of virus? I called a doctor, but the quack didn't find out what the problem was.

Bookshelf:

This building has three floors and a cellar. There's a hidden room with an entrance in the terminal.

Bradio: .........
Speedwagon: .........
Stroheim: .........
Hol Horse: .........
Bradio: ...let's just get out of here.

Bookshelf:

June 15th: This is quite something I've gotten myself into. Superpowers! Vampires! Curses! It's entirely like a fantasy world. A month ago, living in a world with as much charm as chewed-up gum, I couldn't have imagined such a heart-throbbing incident happening to me. And it seems like more Stand users are out there...
I'd like to invite them to a party at my mansion. I'd love to share this heart-throbbing feeling. What should the theme of the party be? A Russian roulette? No, it should be even more thrilling than that... Something that incorporates Stands. Everyone will be so happy.

Bookshelf:

July 2nd: I've finally thought up a theme for the party. I'd forgotten the most crucial element of attracting guests. It's so obvious! I'll just buy something they desire. Should they win the game, they'll get it as a prize. The woman who lent me the monsters for the sideshow suggested a brand-new submarine. What a great idea! Anyone would want that! Now that that's decided, I'll buy up all the submarines in the area.

Bookshelf:

August 8th: I went to the storehouse for the first time in a while and the rock was gone. Just where is it?

Bookshelf:

There is a set amount of life energy in the world. It cannot be increased or decreased. The dead cannot be brought back, as the more humans there are, the more life energy is consumed.

Bookshelf:

Dio Brando, born 1867. An orphan taken in by the Joestar family. The direct cause of all the disasters encountered by the family afterwards.

Cascada: (.........)
Steel: (.........)
Bradio: What a weird book.

Bookshelf:

Vampires: Created when the stone mask's needles pierce the brain of a human. Possess inhuman strength and longevity.

Bookshelf:

Ripple: An Oriental martial art that incorporates special breathing techniques to draw out the energy in one's blood, revitalizing the user.

Thankfully the boulder does not move while you're in text boxes... though that would be pretty funny.

Bookshelf:

The three properties of intelligent life are "body", "mind", and "soul".

Bookshelf:

This mansion has a security system in place. To release the locks, you need to enter the deactivation codes into various PCs around the building.

Bookshelf:

The movie shown by a phenakistoscope can only be seen by one person at a time.

I GET THE PHENAKISTOSCOPE THING OKAY

We even namedrop Berlin's Stand. This is only the second time I've done the Submarine Route, so I'd forgotten how much foreshadowing they put in here. Neat!

This bunker/pantry is the other safe room.

Sade: M-my name's Sade... I was invited to a party here at the mansion... But I was suddenly attacked by zombies! I managed to flee to this bunker, but my friends who weren't killed by the undead were crushed by that rock.
Hol Horse: A guest at that party! What a disaster! Sorry you had to go through that. It doesn't seem like there's a single survivor.
Speedwagon: You're extremely lucky to be alive.
Stroheim: If she is who she claims to be, that is...
Bradio: ?

Bradio: ! That means...!
Speedwagon: She's a Stand user, too!!
Hol Horse: Don't think I'll let my guard down just because you're a pretty girl. Tell us everything you know, young lady
Sade: O-okay... But in exchange, will you let me escape the mansion with you guys?
Hol Horse: Of course! I've no interest in leaving a woman for dead!
Sade: ...All right. Just like you thought, I'm also a Stand user. It's not really one that's good for fighting, though. I was invited to the party along with my boss. I heard it was at the mansion of a rich Arabian who wished to lend funds to our organization, but...
Hol Horse: Organization?
Sade: It's a revolutionary army made up of Stand users. But almost all of them perished during the proceedings, including my boss...
Hol Horse: I see... And what does that make you?

Yall just ain't thinking hard enough. What counts as "signing documents"? Are they psychically binding?

Sade: N-not if they signed the waiver! The undersigned accepts all legal responsibility for any resulting damages, intentional or otherwise!
Hol Horse: Do you know of a way out?
Sade: Well... Sorry. I was so focused on running that I...
Hol Horse: So you don't know anything...
Sade: P-please! Don't leave me behind!
Hol Horse: Calm down, miss. I wouldn't dream of it. Just hide here safe and sound until we figure out an escape route.
Sade: Okay! I'll wait here patiently, so don't forget about me... Promise?
Hol Horse: Of course! I promise!

A generic sort of "glow" sound effect plays here.

Hol Horse: Damn, there's nothing in here.
Stroheim: Those zombies were carrying portable food and wine. The guests must have taken those out.

Sade (named after the English band) and her entire sidequest are only here if your Day Count is at 20 or below. We're currently at Day 18, which as far as I know is the earliest possible time you can reach the mansion.

Slightly weird text box. It's not like there were any in this room before. Regardless, we head west.

Stroheim: Another Stand user!?
Hol Horse: W-who was that!? You guys don't know him, do you!?
Bradio: ...In any case, it looks like we're not the only survivors...

Newly equipped with The Power of Books, we can finally start looking for some password terminals.

Speedwagon: Guns have progressed so far in the past 100 years...
Hol Horse: (...Show off...)

In retrospect I should have recorded entering something silly first.

Of course, despite the submarine being right there...

We saw said control panel down these other stairs, but we need to turn on the electricity first. And who was that stranger?

"2FC Security" means that shutter we saw in the dining room. Up we go.

Hol Horse: It's him!
Bradio: Wait, who-

If you're not blatantly cheating, this guy is a pretty tough boss. I believe he's got more Power and Durability than every boss so far.

Hol Horse is at the level cap and still only doing this much damage.

well, okay, i mean,

Let's ask Sade!

Okay, back to business.

Don't help him
Help him out <==

Dying instantly with no pain or suffering from a magic rock is too good for the mega-rich. Torn apart by zombies or thrown into the sea, we can work with.

[BANG!]

Bradio: H-Hol Horse!?
Hol Horse: Don't be stupid! He's the ringleader of this whole operation! And if we hand him to the police, he's just gonna buy his way out of it and the same thing will happen again! He doesn't deserve mercy.
Cascada: (Maybe this hayseed's alright...)
Hol Horse: With him dealt with, the Stand in the mansion should be taken care of.

The boulder always spawns immediately after this (and it spawns more often throughout the mansion once he's dead), so you gotta hustle. Or simply don't speak to Silver Fox at all; it's not required.

Quick, scroll up!

The answer is May 25th.

And the bookshelves while we're at it...

With the boulder directly next to us like this, how can we possibly escape?

I only know this from a guide. I'm not sure what the in-game hint would be, if there even is one.

It opens up a hole we can use to drop back down a floor! But I'm too slow!

Save early, save often.

That switch also opens something else.

There are some pretty good curatives, some handguns, and a cool 50,000G in these chests, but Rolling Stones always spawns right there.

Yeah.

Okay, let's book it down to the fuel pump.

Hol Horse: Let's go save our damsel!
Bradio: She's clearly more into me, man.
Hol Horse: Don't fool yourself, kid.

Stroheim: GERMAN SCI-
All: SHUT UP

Hol Horse: -huff, huff, huff, huff-...
Bradio: W-we made it, somehow...
Hol Horse: Not only is he the size of a gorilla, his Stand's got quite some strength...

I don't think it's ever stated in-game, but the Mystery Man's Stand is labelled internally as Power of Dreams.

Oh.

Sade: S-shoot... you came... You weren't supposed to... Because of my power... He...
Bradio: Power...!? And what do you mean, we weren't supposed to!?
Speedwagon: I thought you said it was to force people to sign?
Sade: -koff-... My Stand... Promise... Can force people to sign, but... more than that... Once they make a deal with me... They must follow through with their promise... No matter what...

Hol Horse: I...idiot! Your power's got nothing to do with it! It doesn't matter how dangerous it was, I would've come to save you anyway! The thought of leaving you never even crossed my mind!
Sade: ...Hmhmhmhm... In that case, it's my loss for not trusting you... I-if I made you find an exit... You could take him with you... And then he'd return to normal...

Sade: Don't... I'm a goner... The zombies' blood has already mixed in with mine...
Speedwagon: What!?
Sade: Yes... but this is fine. Now I'll have enough strength... to send Michael's enemies... to the same place as him...

Fittingly, Hol Horse refuses to act during this battle.

Stroheim is out of SP to just instantly nuke her, but we still have Mega Speedwagon and his slate of Ripple moves. This isn't a difficult fight.

Hol Horse: ............
Bradio: Hol Horse...
Hol Horse: ...Well, let's get out of here. If we take too long, we might die, too.

Sade's Letter:

Dear Michael,
If you're reading this, I'm probably no longer in this world. But don't be sad! Just stay calm and listen. What's done is done. I want you to live to escape this mansion. There are two other people in here... I made them promise to find a way out. Seize that chance and leave!
I've been hearing sounds above, so they're probably already looking for it. If you get out, beware that woman... Vins. Now that I've seen those zombies, she's definitely a traitor. This room has the scent of zombies in it, too. I'm not sure what I'll do if I'm found... But if I turn into a zombie, be a good boy and kill me, okay? Try not to look at my face!
I love you, Michael.
-Sade

SUBMARINE ROUTE ENDING: EXPLAINED?!?!
The idea here is that Sade, like D'arby, is also bound by her Stand; Hol Horse agreed to save her, but that meant she couldn't leave this room until then... even when zombies got in. Michael tried to kill us because that contract was preventing the two of them from escaping together.

Hol Horse: C-c'mon and start the engine! They're coming closer!!
Bradio: I'm doing it as fast as I can!

Speedwagon: You're disembarking here? Egypt's a long way off.
Hol Horse: Don't be stupid! If I get caught closing in on Lord Dio with you guys in tow, I'll be killed. Besides, I couldn't even save one girl... I can't complain about this much hassle.
Bradio: ...So you're still siding with Dio? Don't tell me you have a flesh bud too...
Hol Horse: Nah, just cash on the line. Plus, I'm not gonna flake on someone I've sworn loyalty to.
Bradio: Money, huh... Where does a vampire who can't go out in the daytime even get that kind of money?
Hol Horse: I wonder that myself...
Speedwagon: It's been 100 years... compound interest, perhaps?
Bradio: Maybe he just robs banks or something.
Hol Horse: But he's a guy who makes you believe there's nothing he can't accomplish. And it's not just the bounty... I'd have to work with him anyway. Just remembering those eyes sends chills down my spine...
Bradio: So it's follow him, or die...
Hol Horse: Exactly. You'd be attacked by Dio's minions even if you didn't help the Joestars, right? Same thing.
Bradio: ...So why not just let it slip to Dio's guys that we have a submarine?
Hol Horse: Relax. I'm still looking for a partner. Until I find one, I won't dare to go near the boss. And if word gets out that I co-operated with the enemy, I'm history! I'm not suicidal, thanks.

See You Stand Cowboy...

The Submarine Route always feels way shorter to me since you have fewer hubs to explore and thus fewer unique events. We covered it from Update 55 to 58, while the corresponding Manga Route was from Update 17 to 25; over twice as long. I'm glad it exists, though.

Bradio: Deserted island, Red Sea... got it.
Stroheim: You'll don a disguise and wait for Jojo and the rest. Look over the script a couple of times while you're on the way.
Bradio: .........Script?
Stroheim: Man... Even as an old fogey, he still likes these kinds of stupid pranks...
Bradio: ???

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

57 - Stands Killed the Radio Star

2026-01-16T18:34:16.821Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we braved the fictional warzone of West Bengal. This time, we're going to take down a pirate radio station.

The real life Sundarbans is a whole region, not just a town. It is also the world's largest mangrove forest, as opposed to this game's depiction of West Bengal being Yet More Brown Desert Land.

Stroheim: If I were bombing a region, my German instinct would be to go after the airport first!
Speedwagon: ...Bradio, I've been meaning to ask... how do these "aeroplanes" fly without flapping their wings?
Bradio: uhhhhh
Speedwagon: Or without balloons, for that matter!
Bradio: UHHHHH
Stroheim: Well, you see, it's...
Bradio: Wai-
Stroheim: ...the same principle as sailing a ship against the wind! It's simply that the forces involved are much greater!
Speedwagon: Hmm, I see... how bizarre!
Bradio: Oh good, I thought you were going to sa-
Stroheim: ALSO GERMAN SCIENCE
Bradio: steel please help

Guess where we're headed?

Next to the entrance here is the only functional vending machine in the entire West Bengal region.

We're fine on curatives right now and rolling with the Lv50 Blowjob Brothers mean nothing'll survive for long anyway.

In my restless dreams, I see that town... with a fully functional airport and multi-story radio tower...

This is presumably the destroyed village we saw last time.

There isn't actually anything notable about this restaurant. I just wish I had some mutton curry right now.

...What makes sheep meet "mutton" instead of "lamb" is the age of the animal, though I believe this is mostly a rule of thumb rather than a legal definition. Think the difference between "beef" and "veal".

The military doing worse things than the terrorists they're supposedly meant to be stopping? Say it ain't so.

My understanding is that it's quite difficult to try an "Around the World in Eighty Days" trip in modern times because airplanes have understandably muscled out most other forms of intercontinental travel. You'd probably have to arrange passage on freight tankers.

Alright, time to actually tackle the radio tower.

Alas, this is a Let's Play, not a speedrun.

Steel: ...Seems to be jammed shut by some force. I sense that this building is filled with enemy Stand users. Defeating them will probably be the only way to escape. Proceed carefully, and don't overwrite your last save!
Stroheim: I'll simply blow the door open!
Bradio: Even if you do that, the planes won't be running. We need to get to the bottom of this.

When I think of radio tower dungeons, I naturally think of Pokemon Gold/Silver. 7SU's Game Boy stylings might be doing some of the lifting there too.

I find a cluttered storage room like this to be a surprisingly humanizing detail. There are no items to pick up here or anything, it's just junk off in a corner that inevitably accumulates over time in any place inhabited by human beings.

Speedwagon: You're welcome!

Despite the Speedwagon Foundation's findings in the late 80s, as of 2025, the patent is still pending for the self-restocking vending machine.

The bathrooms are also a needless-but-appreciated detail; how many buildings in video games have toilets? Though I suppose there was some need to have the assets, considering the number of times Polnareff gets jumped in the restroom.

And really, "Can you pet the dog?" is kind of overplayed these days. We should be asking, "Can you flush the toilet?".

Now just a minute here. We've established that while normal people can't see Stands, they can see Stands that are manipulating physical objects. This guy's just being plain ol' willfully ignorant!

See! Speedwagon's physical attack of swinging a sledgehammer works! Tutorial Man told us about this shit a million years ago!

Too bad the way things have shaken out in this Let's Play means Deep Purple's basic attack never really comes up. It's quite good.

The trash cans are the main enemy of the Radio Tower. They are everywhere and will chase you.

Right, so, for those of you reading who haven't read/watched JoJo, Speedwagon's signature attack is that the brim of his bowler hat has razor blades in it, Odd Job style.

is... is this that "worldbuilding" thing

Jokes and historical inaccuracies aside, this is just solid meat-and-potatoes NPC dialogue. Referring to other things happening in the world! Mentioning locations you may or may not have been to! Wow!!

Speedwagon: You're scaring the poor lass!
Stroheim: Nonsense! Children love the brilliance of GERMAN SCIENCE!!
Bradio: Looking like the Terminator is not doing you any favors.
Stroheim: The brave men at the Foundation told me about this film character! He sounds like a true Aryan specimen!
Bradio: why do i bother

We've gotten conflicting reports on if "terrorists" or the military are the ones bombing local towns. All the dudes in that base off in the corner of the map were going crazy, but they were also all locked inside. Meanwhile the military has been shooting at us the entire fucking time.

Besides the trash cans and locked doors, there's also rocks falling on us. Some of these are on set tiles, but others are randomly roving the map.

DJ Inc and Raul are named after the band Lipps Inc. and the musician Raul Midón, respectively. I'm not sure there's any actual connection between them in reality, though the real-life Raul is also blind.

SIGH

Bathrooms still empty, though it is again a point of interesting realism for each floor to have a pair of them.

That's the second floor sorted.

You're stuck with the Tired status effect on this entire floor. Tired means you move at half speed and take a bit of damage every step, which makes it a fairly true-to-life ailment.

I assume you're keeping score. We're being chased by trash can mobs, the ceiling is falling on us, and we're moving at half speed. Fun!

Bradio: !! A Stand user!?
Stroheim: Stripping freedoms is MY job!

There are several possible musical sources for the name "Deja Voodoo", but the Stand name narrows it down to the sole album of English rock band Heavy Stereo.

If Deja Voodoo got a chance to take a turn at all, he'd use attacks that inflict Stop status and whittle the party down while they're unable to act.

The guy has barely 300 HP as it is, so chances are he's dropping in a single round even with a normally-levelled party or while saddled with Gallahad and Miriam.

More importantly, we're no longer slowed down while on this floor!

Here we have a cameo from Part 1. Dire and his cohort Straits were Ripple-users who showed up to help Jonathan Joestar battle Dio. His signature move was the Thunder Split Attack, where he traps an opponent's arms by doing the splits in midair. Dio counters this by freezing him solid, a move he never uses ever again.

Why would you ever use ChatGPT or whatever the fuck when you can write NPC dialogue like this? I'm serious. This is comedy.

Bradio: She can have the whole thing. I didn't ask for any.
Speedwagon: Is it Fry's or Cadbury's?
Bradio: What does that even m-

Here is the way my brain works.

I wanted to put a Speedwagon-out-of-time joke here so I looked up the history of chocolate bars to see what would have been on the market in the 1880s. I found out that Fry & Sons developed the first solid chocolate bar in the 1840s and Cadbury released theirs not long after. It also turns out that the two companies merged in 1919, but this version of Speedwagon is from Part 1 in the 1890s so that's fine to ignore.

Now my first instinct was to have the punchline answer be neither, since as somebody who grew up in America the main chocolate bars I think of are from Hershey's or Nestle. But context wise, the characters are in India in 1989. So for proper authenticity I have to go look up what brands of chocolate were being sold in India at the time. I found an archived newspaper article from 1988 describing the marketing competition around chocolate bars, which noted that Hindustan Cocoa had over 80% market share at the time.

Turns out Hindustan Cocoa was just the Indian branch of Cadbury at the time, and in fact they changed the branch's name back to Cadbury in the 90s. And in 2010 Cadbury was bought out by Mondelez aka Kraft Foods, one of the biggest food corporations on the planet, known for using child slavery to harvest their cocoa beans in Africa. So I spent at least one anime episode's worth of time researching something completely inconsequential for a joke that no longer makes sense, we have learned nothing of value, and I made myself sad.

Bradio: -ean?
Businessman: Cadbury's, of course!
Speedwagon: Not worth keeping, then! To the girl it goes!

On the east side of the floor is a makeshift infirmary, and only one bathroom! Huge difference!

Let's backtrack down to ditch the chocolate.

Speedwagon: She has taste! She knows Cadbury is the inferior eating chocolate!

Sevendust is an American rock band. I'm not sure where the "Alice" connection is from, though it might not be anything in particular.

Bradio: (Not only can this girl not control her Stand, it's the other way around! I have to do something without hurting her!)

Despite Stands being the manifestation of the user's fighting spirit or whatnot, it isn't unprecedented in the series for them to have something resembling a mind of their own.

Alice has a scant 50 HP and will explode into gibs if we do pretty much anything. This is not helped by most of Deep Purple's attacks being multi-target. I do appreciate the foresight in having our AI-controlled party members Hold Back here, which forces them to automatically guard every turn. Otherwise the nukes might come out to play and that'd just be a bad time for everyone involved.

Cascada probably would have just busted out Sun Laser or something, but it's time to actually use Brainstorm for once.

Stroheim: Quit messin' around, kid! Just 'cuz you're small doesn't mean I'll go easy on you!
Speedwagon: Hey! Stand user or no, she's just a child! Don't even think about it!
Stroheim: Heh... Don't underestimate the power of German military technology!

If you're rolling with Gallahad and Miriam, Miriam shoots a tranq dart instead.

S I G H

Stroheim: I don't get a menacing vibe from her anymore...
Speedwagon: ...The shock of this horrible war must've awakened the Stand inside her heart.
Stroheim: Well, we don't need this chocolate anymore. I'll give it to her.

Sunlight Remedy permanently raises all stats by 1 and HP/SP by 2. The dedicated single stat boosters are +3 and +5, respectively.

We head back up to Deja Voodoo's floor, which has multiple stairways leading up.

My cursory research says that this is French for "ripple" rather than some kind of more multi-faceted joke. Just as well, I'm tired of researching pointless things.

The treasure chests contain five each of Overdrive SY (3% HP, 20%+60 SP) and Ripple-Infused Wine (5%+100 HP, 5%+5 SP, full party).

Back down and up towards actual progress.

Speedwagon: Zombies! The work of a foul vampire!!
Stroheim: GERMAN SCIENCE UV LASERS GO

There isn't really anything else on this floor other than the zombies. We make our way westward.

If you've been paying close attention, these sprites should look familiar. Back then they were just "Dark-Skinned Man" and "Jovial Man", since we don't encounter them on the manga route.

Raul: ...Well... Depends on who you ask.
DJ Inc: To tell you the truth, we've just joined the club, so we don't know too much ourselves. I mean, besides the fact that we're almost all Stand users... and that we all plan to turn this world upside-down.
Bradio: Upside-down?
Raul: ...I'm really just in it to see the terrified looks on the soldiers' faces when they die. And Vins... the woman who so kindly provided us these zombies... She wants to use Dio somehow, though I don't know for what.
DJ Inc: And I wanna use my power to rule the world... Dream big, I always say!
Bradio: ...What a load of nonsense.
DJ Inc: You think we're crazy, huh? Well, crazy or no, this war isn't stopping as long as we're around!

DJ Inc: Not good for much besides picking up chicks, but combined with this guy's ability, it really starts to shine! Using his Stand... I can send orders through the radio waves! Nothing too detailed will go through, but "massacre each other" seemed to do the trick... When the President tries to use the radio to make a declaration about the war, I'll brainwash him too!

Aside: Though India became a nation proper rather than a British territory in 1947, it maintained a Governor-General as representative of the British monarch until 1950, when the Constitution of India was formally enacted and a President elected.

DJ Inc: I won't have you guys interrupt my grand designs for something as inconsequential as getting aboard a plane...
Speedwagon: W-what a twisted bunch...
Stroheim: ...Bastards!! Do you know nothing about a soldier's pride!?

Stroheim: W-what's with that creepy lump of meat!?
Bradio: ! That's not a Stand at all!! It's really just meat!
Raul: This meatball helps Lipps' ability to interfere with the five senses that are essential for human communication. Signals that start from the brain, then go to the eyes, nose, ears, and mouth... I can send all kinds of signals to the battlefield, which is full of people who are bound to die anyhow.
Speedwagon: You're rotten to the core!
Bradio: So that means if I attack you, those people will feel it too? That means I'll have to crush you both in one blow!
DJ Inc: I'd like to see you try! Darkness!!

Bradio: !? M-my eyes!
DJ Inc: You think you're gonna beat us that easy?

Despite the posturing in the dialogue, there are no ill-effects from simply blasting these assholes to hell. And, as we've seen many times, Darkness status doesn't do much against multi-target attacks.

I assume the "meatloaf" is referencing musician Meat Loaf.

DJ Inc: -cough- -hack- ...We'd better split up for now!
Bradio: ! ...Think you can run away!?
DJ Inc: What are you, stupid!? If I was planning on running, I wouldn't have waited at this dead end!
Raul: I imagine we'll meet again very soon... When that time comes, I'll bring an end to this once and for all...

Stroheim: T-they vanished!
Bradio: ...They got away... But at least the fighting should stop for now. The planes might begin to fly again, too.

I assume DJ Inc's dialogue was mistranslated or something, seeing as he runs away immediately after saying he wasn't planning on running away.

Now we can check the room behind the duo.

Letter:

It was no coincidence that our town was attacked... All of it was deliberately planned by the military. A sacrifice for the "greater good" of the war...
What's more, the leaders of the guerillas responsible were secretly in cahoots with the military. This war is all business. They have no intention of helping anyone.
According to Raul, those rotten soldiers got it in their head that it was a village of guerillas, giving them free reign to kill without remorse and have their way with the girls... Bastards!
But things aren't gonna go the way they want them to from now on... With our powers, Raul and I will crush all those with ties to the military... We'll use the Slaves of Fate to our advantage...

Now that Raul and Inc are dealt with, the locked door on the second floor opens up.

Time for OC lore!

X Month Y Day:

It's been one short month since our town was destroyed by the soldiers and guerillas. Even Alice, the orphan, has begun to see Stands. She can't control it yet... At this rate, it might take over her mind completely. There's not much I can do... For now, she can only control trash cans in the radio station and unleash energy...
Those Slaves to Fate know all about us and our Stands. I want to turn them down, but if I do, they might attempt to eliminate me... I can't let anything happen to Alice. If I play my cards right, I might be able to use the organization for my own gains and wipe out those damned soldiers. Raul and I will work with them for now.

0 Month # Day:

I'm scouting for Stand users in Karachi. I found one guy who slaughtered all his superiors at work. He's a total psycho, but his power will be useful. Vins, a higher-up in the organization, has distributed zombies for us to use. Seems like her Stand power can turn humans and human corpses into those things.
Man, she creeps me out... Nah, I've seen corpses scattered like litter on the battlefield. That shouldn't faze me. These circumstances must be driving me nuts.

% Month N Day:

A bunch of officials in the organization have been invited to a party at a rich guy's mansion in Saudi Arabia. What a lucky break! With them gone, I can go to the headquarters and gather some intel about the other members. If I know their Stand abilities, I'll have a huge advantage against them.

Y Month X Day:

They say some Stand users are coming to Sundarbans. Apparently, they want to fly a plane out of here. I doubt they'll make it out of the warzone in the mountains, but if they do reach the town, we're in trouble. Better find a way to deal with them...

Classic "your motives are reasonable enough but you've lost all credibility by causing indiscriminate slaughter" villain stuff.

Surely nothing will go wrong with this plane ride. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

56 - Submarine Route

2026-01-09T20:27:26.341Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we saved Abdul some trouble by taking a bullet for him, setting us down a completely different story path. This time, we get to explore the closest 7SU has to a classic world map.

Cascada: (aaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHH)
Speedwagon: What are you, stupid? We're in India! That's so out of our way, it's not even funny!
Bradio: Let's-
Speedwagon: It's good that India is still part of our great British Empire. Moving through here should be a breeze!
Bradio: Actuall-
Stroheim: We Nazis would have easily conquered you without their help!
Speedwagon: I sincerely doubt the might of the great British Empire would have fallen to a nation that's burning through Kaisers like tinder!
Stroheim: You'd stand no chance against GERMAN SCIENCE!!!
Bradio: oh my god

I couldn't tell you how true this was in 1988, but it's probably a bit more true these days simply due to the proliferation of private recreational subs. If we're talking submarine cables for telecommunications, Saudi Arabia is a major regional hub connecting Asia, the Middle-East, and Europe.

If you're with Gallahad and Miriam, you get fewer items and only half as much money.

First order of business, as always, is to check out the new party members.

Stroheim is also joining us in an overpowered state thanks to the Deus Ex Machina. Skills-wise he's basically Mega Gallahad, having access to powerful gun and explosive attacks including a re-usable Nuclear Explosion. Remember, the only reason I've been tossing the nukes around like candy is because I'm blatantly cheating; you're supposed to only get at most two per playthrough (not counting the Dev Room).

Alas, he's only got the SP to fire that shit off once. Might as well fix that.

There we go.

If you aren't rolling with Speedwagon and Stroheim, Steel says the same but refers to Gallahad and Miriam as, "those two Speedwagon Foundation members who've been tasked with your safety".

This hint refers to how the second Nuclear Warhead (technically first, since King Joey is over in Egypt) is somewhere in this leg of the game.

They drop all those curatives and weapons in your lap for a reason. While you can pick up some basic supplies at the base here, it's a long way between restaurants or inns during this leg of the game.

Speedwagon: Simply send them over to the British Museum!
Stroheim: No, let us Nazis will plunder your cultural artifacts!

That hole only shows up on NG+. We'll check it out later.

Alright, so, I attempted some research and it seems like this game is pretending the run-up to the Gulf War happening in the Iraq-Saudi-Kuwait region in 1988 was also going on as far east as the Bengal region. India is really quite far away and was broadly unrelated to the Gulf War other than the mass evacuation of civilians from Kuwait in 1990. As far as I can tell, there were no major military conflicts going on in West Bengal at the time.

The closest contemporary-to-1988 equivalent to the game's generic "there be terrorists" situation I could find in West Bengal was in Murshidabad, where 35,000 Muslims marched in protest over not being allowed to pray at the Katra Masjid - a notable mosque in the area - and clashed with local law enforcement. Even then, there were at most a couple dozen casualties; it certainly wasn't a whole-ass war zone.

Anyway.

Sigh. Not this time.

I don't believe the West Bengal map is the largest one in the game if we're going by technical number of tiles, but it's the one time 7SU has a "world map" where you're walking from one town to the next. So it feels like the biggest map.

It's also one where the R Patch's removal of random encounters changes the experience considerably. My spotty memory says that there were still some vehicles roving the map, but I'm reasonably certain most of these soldiers were gone.

It's a big ol' mountain-and-desert maze. Despite the actual East Indian region being quite humid.

Funnily enough, the Submarine Route would have been great for Cascada because every vehicle enemy drops Scrap Iron, which is effectively useless unless you have Quicksilver.

Because they're up at level 50, Speedwagon and Stroheim pretty much always go first and obliterate the enemy with extreme prejudice. I actually stop restoring Stroheim's SP above 300 just so he doesn't waste it on Nuclear Explosions over and over.

Sections of the map with helicopters also have roving events that randomly cause you to get blown up.

The crossroads a couple screens ago is mostly fake. Only one path really moves forward, and it involves a big snaking loop around the top half of the map.

The completely fictitious "war-torn" nature of the region aside, there's some decent environmental storytelling. This bridge would have made traversal much easier, but it's been bombed.

Tanks would be the most dangerous encounter here if we did not have the Unlimited Nuke Cyborg with us. It's also worth noting that other than Scrap Iron, vehicles also drop Surgical Tools, a full HP curative.

Sigh.

If you're so inclined, this is actually a pretty solid grinding area.

This settlement is way off in the bottom right corner of the map.

There's a surprising spectrum of mutability for this specific event depending on your Holly Death Counter. This soldier slowly runs out of energy as the days pass until he dies on Day 25, unbarring the door. We're currently on Day 16.

If you elect to just waste this poor bastard, you're getting a minimum -2 FP to all party members (yeah, even though they aren't here) and +8 (!!!) negative karma, both of which increase the closer you are to Day 25.

So we're simply going to save first and load after exploring the tower. Duh.

The inside is a complete madhouse. Dudes are running around everywhere and will attack you on sight. There are a few chests scattered around with some pretty solid curatives, but you're likely to use them up just getting around.

Even inanimate objects start throwing themselves at you.

The second floor is no better.

I am cutting out so many battles.

Off in the craziest corner of the top floor is a radioactive green chest, which, of course, contains...

Now we just have to escape! Easy!

Here you can see the hit we took to FP; Joseph and Polnareff were both calling us Funky Party earlier. Abdul also gets a huge boost if you take the Submarine Route.

Last time we checked this, it was at 1...

You can either musou your way down the floors again or stand here and hit this rock over and over until it breaks. I mean literally like, 30-50 times.

A convenient shortcut!

As established, I have no need of a measly single nuclear warhead. No point in taking the penalty for us.

A quick reset and we're back outside without killing a guy in cold blood.

Much better.

We lose out on a pip of Surplus Fate Energy though.

Bradio: Uh-oh.
Speedwagon: What in the world are these!?
Stroheim: The helicopter has come this far!? Truly German science is the greatest in the world!

Early helicopters in the 1920s and 30s basically looked like wingless planes because they were literally built off plane chassis. The "first practical helicopter" - the Focke-Wulf Fw 61 - was invented in Nazi Germany in 1936, three years before JoJo Part 2 takes place. By the time of Stroheim's death at Stalingrad in 1943, the Allies were fielding small numbers of the Sikorsky R-4 primarily for medevac purposes. I wonder how flabbergasting it was for injured soldiers to see some heretofore unheard of machine floating in to pick them up.

Anyway we ain't fighting all those.

Speedwagon: Oh, zombies! Finally, something I can understand!
Stroheim: A perfect opportunity for my UV Lasers!

As a concession for NG+, this tunnel connects points of interest on the West Bengal map. It's much more straightforward to traverse than the surface and the zombies pose even less of a threat than the tanks and soldiers.

Quick history lesson: West Bengal is India's easternmost state. Back in Update 20 I briefly touched on when British India split up into India and Pakistan. It actually split into West Pakistan, India, and East Pakistan; the last of which was the East Bengal region. After West Pakistan's declaration of martial law, ethnic cleansing of Bengalis, and loss in the subsequent war, East Pakistan became Bangladesh and remains so to this day.

Taking the tunnel took about 10% of the time as over land to cover the same distance. I head straight back in and go for a different exit.

That town's our final destination, but we still have a couple other things to check out.

It's a massacred town. There are some helicopters and soldiers running around, but otherwise there is absolutely no material gain in coming here.

I looked at the game files and I couldn't find anything else on this map. It's just here to illustrate the horrors of a fictional war in West Bengal in 1988 that did not occur in reality.

Funnily enough, Tanks are weak to multiple status effects.

Lastly, we have this refugee camp across the water.

Stroheim: Well, ACTUALLY-
Bradio: Shhh!

As you might expect, if we had a Support-type Stand we'd be able to help out a bit.

There are also vendors here for basic curatives and weapons, but we're nice and full up on bazookas.

Eventually, we finally reach our destination. I'm sure getting to Saudi Arabia from here is going to be no problem at all. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

55 - Shallow Grave

2026-01-02T16:07:47.796Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we got attacked by a second mob of bunny girls and met up with Robert Edward O. Speedwagon. This time, we'll once again cover the battle with Hol Horse and J'Geil.

Polnareff: You haven't lost a sister! You couldn't possibly understand my feelings!!
Bradio: ......
Abdul: ...You selfish...!
Polnareff: I'm not gonna take that from a man who ran with his tail between his legs as soon as Dio so much as glanced at him!
Abdul: ! ......What did you say?
Polnareff: Don't touch me! I'm not taking orders from you just because Bradio got lucky enough to beat me in Hong Kong.
Bradio: I-I don't know if I'd say "lucky"...
Abdul: Forget Bradio, I beat you first! We all saw it!!
Polnareff: I hadn't taken off my armor! It doesn't count and you know it!
Abdul: You ungrateful little...!!
Polnareff: Ooh, did that hit a nerve!? Don't forget, you're the one who threw the first stone! You're always trying to boss others around... Well, this time I'm not gonna take it, Abdul!
Abdul: ! ...............That's it!!

Joseph: What did you say!?
Bradio: I can't leave him alone in such a dangerous situation! Once he gets his revenge, I'll bring him back.
Kakyoin: But you'll be in danger too, Bradio!
Jotaro: This is for Polnareff to deal with himself. We shouldn't interfere.
Bradio: I know... I understand that. But I can't let him get into trouble. If anything happens, I'll call you.
Abdul: I thought you were more level-headed than this.
Bradio: When I think about if anything happened to my own little sister back home... I would be just as possessed with impotent rage as Polnareff.
Abdul: Even so...
Bradio: Or if anything happened to my mom...
Both: !!
Kakyoin: Moms... I see your point...
Joseph: Okay... I understand. Just be careful, got it?

Bradio: I know. I won't interfere, I promise. But there might be other Stand users waiting with him! If so, you're going to need a hand!
Polnareff: ......Are you sure? All right... But don't push it.

Let's fast forward a bit past some dialogue that's identical to last time.

Cascada: (If only someone here had a LONG-RANGE Stand...)
Bradio: How do tanks handle chemical warfare?
Cascada: (okay actually you might have this)

Polnareff: Tch! I don't need your help!
Hol Horse: Hm! You've got nerve, kid. You jumped in right when I had him... I'll just have to kill two birds with one stone!
Bradio: Get out of the way, Polnareff! The bullet's coming back! Deep Purple!

Last time, Cascada got shot in the head by Hol Horse, dying instantly.

...This time, we still get shot in the head by Hol Horse, dying instantly.

Since Cascada was a lady, Hol Horse's dialogue was a bit more contrite back then. But Hol Horse is a Southern white man so he's a-okay with killing Asians as long as they're men.

Hol Horse: Sorry! Life always ends quicker than one expects. That's just how it is! Rarely if ever do you get a chance to say goodbye... Heh! Thought you knew that already...
Kakyoin: Bradio came here because he was worried about you. We can't fight blindly... We still don't know how their Stands work! We have to get away!
Polnareff: Funky Party was stabbed in the back... My sister was murdered as raped... And now... you're asking me to run!?
Kakyoin: If you keep fighting this way, you'll die! Bradio said as much himself!

As before, Kakyoin blasts Polnareff into the truck and drives off, leaving the 7th Stand User in the dirt.

The rest of the Hanged Man fight continues pretty much normally from here on.

A quick Chaos Mode gag, though. The new portrait is of Illuso, a villain of the week from Part 5 who ambushed the heroes in Pompeii.

Illuso's Stand, Man in the Mirror, did in fact create an entire mirror world he could drag people into to kill them, making this entire conversation particularly funny in retrospect.

Okay now it all continues as before For Real.

Yep, yep. All same.

I've been waiting for this.

Joseph: Don't waste your energy, Funky Party! You're at a hospital in a Speedwagon Foundation retreat. You were shot by an enemy Stand user. Even though you were shot in the head, your body lurched back when you were stabbed and the bullet just grazed the skin.
Bradio: ...I see... I'm lucky to be alive... ! ...That's right! Polnareff! Is he okay!?
Joseph: Hey, settle down! You'll reopen your wounds! He's fine. I just got a call from Kakyoin. He says Polnareff managed to finally get his revenge.
Bradio: I-I see... That's a relief...
Abdul: I'm sorry, Funky Party. If I'd just been able to stop him, you never would have been hurt so...
Bradio: ...It was my decision to go after Polnareff. You have nothing to apologize for, Abdul.

I had to include this screenshot if only because I think having Jotaro say, "For Christ's sake," is quite silly.

Bradio: You think I'm going to stick around so you can all tell me over and over again how much I suck? After I got shot in the head!?
Joseph: ......I see. I suppose it can't be helped...
Abdul: ...The Foundation members will help escort you back to Japan. We'll explain things to your family, so don't worry about that. We've kept quiet to Polnareff since he'd probably get excited and let his mouth slip if he knew... But we'll let him know when the time comes.
Bradio: ...Thank you for everything.
Jotaro: .........Funky Party.
Bradio: I'm sorry...
Jotaro: ...No, there's no need to apologize. Once you get back to Japan... Keep Mom company for me. ...Your parents are probably worried about you too. We'll definitely take down Dio. Wait for us.

Cascada: (Are you seriously giving up just like that? Come the fuck on.)
Bradio: (I kinda just wanted to see what would happen.)
Cascada: (Okay, fair, so you did. Get back in there.)
Bradio: (Yeah, yeah...)

Joseph: ......I see. Thanks.
Abdul: ...However, Dio's assassins are still under the impression that we've lost a teammate... We might be able to use this to our advantage. Why don't we entrust our necessary travel preparations to Funky Party?
Joseph: Good idea! We can have him help out without exposing him to whatever dangers surround us.
Bradio: But couldn't you just leave that to the Speedwagon Foundation?
Joseph: If we did that, we'd make our aims obvious... It'd be far too conspicuous to the enemy. Plus, none of the Foundation members can see Stands... They might run into trouble without a Stand user in tow.
Abdul: And of course, if one of us separates, there's no telling what'll happen. Since you no longer exist from the enemy's point of view, you're perfect for the job, Bradio!
Joseph: The Foundation will take care of the expenses, so money is no object! You'll pose as a rich tourist and buy something for us.
Bradio: Buy what?

Taking Abdul's place like this is referred to as the Submarine Route by fans. Despite my posturing a moment ago and all the other NG+ only stuff in 7SU, you totally can do this on a first playthrough if you want.

Not to admit how I blatantly lied to a loyal reader, but I saved this Cohost screenshot ages ago for exactly this moment:

Did you ever figure it out, I wonder?

Bradio: Oh no.
Stroheim: No need to fear, little man! I, Stroheim, will protect you with my life! Whether it's a vampire or a pillarman, I'll blow 'em to smithereens! Same goes for Stand users!
Speedwagon: I'll also be accompanying you! I may not be much help in battle, but I've picked up a thing or two in the slums! I'll definitely take back Jonathan's body... That man was a true gentleman! I won't forgive anyone who would dare to use him for their evil gains!
Joseph: All right, we're leaving it up to you three. Stay safe.
Bradio: Why them, of all people?
Joseph: What do you mean? I trusted both of these men with my life back when I was your age!
Bradio: Hey Mister Speedwagon, Stroheim, what do you think of me on, say, a racial level?
Speedwagon: I hear the Nipponese peoples are quite learned these days!
Stroheim: Ein ehrenarier if I ever saw one!
Bradio: (well this backfired)
Cascada: (Who are you, that do not know your history?)
Bradio: (Lay off for once, okay?)
Joseph: See? You'll be fine!
Bradio: I wish I actually WAS shot in the head...

If you only got Stroheim or didn't find either of the legacy characters, you're joined here by Gallahad (whom we've seen already) and his Romancing SaGa cohort Miriam.

We've still got a cutscene or two before The New Stuff though.

Joseph: We heard about Funky Party. ...We had to bury him in a shallow grave.
Kakyoin: May his funky party in the sky never end...
Hol Horse: Oh, come on! I didn't mean to kill him! It's J. Geil you want! Honest!
Kakyoin: The coward who stabbed Bradio in the back was J. Geil, but this guy's bullet delivered the killing blow. He'd have survived if he hadn't been stabbed, but... What should we do with this guy?
Polnareff: I'll lay down the sentence... Death!

Empress in with the save. Again.

I'm sure this will lead to some wacky hijinks that Bradio unfortunately won't be around for. Though I suppose Cascada wasn't either!

Next time, we'll get some completely new content for once! See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

54 - Serenely Skedaddling

2025-12-26T21:29:18.743Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we skipped most of Singapore to show off some cool optional sequences. This time, we're going to speed through the hub events both there and in Calcutta.

The random numbers changed when I loaded the save and Yellow Temperance has returned to impersonating Kakyoin.

Polnareff has multiple Singapore events so we roll with him first.

Can you figure out what we might have done that caused this to increase?

Both: Ooh la la! Bunny girls!
Cascada: ( K I L L )

Joey: Hyuk-hyuk-hyuk! Welcome to my Wonder Festival! It's nice of you to come all the way from Japan! "Domo arigato"! Actually, I followed you here all the way from Japan, too.
Joey: If it isn't Bradio! You're the one who's been breaking my beautiful little dolls' hearts... I'll have to punish you for that!
Bradio: ...Better than the creepy doll Stand from before, at least! Nice! Bring it!
Joey: I see the way you're looking at my girls! Stay away! These are mine!

Joey is one of the bosses who can just hide out of sight and become untargetable. Sigh.

Nuclear Warheads are inferior to Wave Motion Gun via this small yet crucial difference. They cannot hit targets at "?" range.

The Murderdolls aren't remotely near a threat so it's just playing the waiting game until Joey decides to reappear.

Cascada: ( K I L L ! ! ! )
Bradio: (Y-you good...?)

We've seen these FP events before with Cascada, so let's keep it moving.

Bradio gets a bit of extra dialogue here because we joined the Handicraft Club.

Polnareff also has the event at 7-11 where he gave Cascada some rouge.

I was about to research if 7-11 has any connections to military organizations and then stopped myself because I feel like I would just make myself sad.

Bradio: Why not just buy it now?
Polnareff: Well... I forgot my wallet! Heh.
Bradio: Hmm...
Game: Buy him the hair gel? [Yes / No]
Bradio: I'll just buy it for you. I don't want to make another trip.
Polnareff: Wow, really? You're a saint! Here, have this in exchange.

What do you think Ripple-Infused Vinegar would taste like? Anywyay, Polnareff: done. Moving on.

There's a secret shop in this alleyway that I don't think I went to with Cascada. We wouldn't have had enough money for it in any case.

You can buy a maximum of five items here before they're sold out.

We didn't fight Utah in Hong Kong, so he's absent in Singapore. This is a secret technique that will help us later. I think.

Cascada: (Ugh. Shut this bitch up.)
Bradio: (I know Steel said to trust you but you've pretty much only told me to commit acts of extreme violence...)
Cascada: (Yes, and?)
Bradio: (.........)

Bradio: ...Um, why?
Vins: You don't belong in this world... You risk upsetting the balance of the universe this way.
Bradio: Can you elaborate at all?
Vins: It would be too complicated for someone like you to understand.
Bradio: ...Then no??

Knowing what we know now, I'm kind of torn on having Vins be an optional boss this early in the game. I think it's good to have antagonists be present throughout the story rather than showing up out of nowhere at the end, but I cannot deny that it makes her seem like kind of a chump when you've already kicked her ass two or three times by the time she's the True Final Boss.

Bradio: Oh. Uh, thanks.
Jotaro: No problem.

Cascada: (Fat fucking chance, lady!)
Bradio: ! She disappeared...
Jotaro: ...She got away. Do you know her, Bradio? She did say your name...
Bradio: No, I didn't recognize her... How DID she know my name...?
Cascada: (It's a long story that doesn't matter as long as you cave her face in every time you see her.)

Since we're playing as Bradio (he/him), this guy is just a garden variety asshole rather than trying to pick up chicks.

Basically the same.

No difference.

I fight Diavolo a couple times to get some easy EXP for the rest of the party.

If you recall, we did this event with Joseph previously. Early game has a few of these either-or events, like the dropped wallet at the Harbor.

Actually, why bother fighting Diavolo when we can grind the easy way?

You may remember these from the Dev Room vending machine. They do exactly what it seems like.

Nice and expedient.

I won't show them off on every map (because I simply don't remember where most of them are), but here's the ghost room entrance in Singapore.

Let's do a quick check-in on the afterlife.

For ghosts you have to stand directly on top of them to interact.

Including Real Tennille is the kind of detail that could be easily overlooked and another good example of 7SU's charming granularity.

Not sure what I expected.

I'll probably leave the ghost house alone from now on until we're way further in and it's more densely populated.

"Coffee" is a cognate or loanword in almost every widespread language. I believe its original root stems from Arabic.

Kakyoin only pranks you like this if you're playing a male character. He makes the proper order for female characters.

Alright, that's enough Singapore. It's a totally normal fight against Yellow Temperance this time.

Pretty sure this is also the exact same spot Jotaro started calling Cascada "The Machine". Which makes sense seeing as I'm still doing every single FP event.

The Satanic Coupler event only happens if you go to sleep. We're not doing it this time.

If I skip a cutscene you can assume there were no meaningful changes.

Most of the events in Calcutta are going to be identical.

We're actually be able to afford a Talwar this time, too!

You have one in the souvenir room at home! You know this already!!

The Talwar is a re-usable battle item that makes a slashing attack. Useful in the right circumstances.

I'm glad I was able to play this game with a guide. Trying to ferret out every FP event with every character seems like it'd be kind of a pain.

...Not that you'd have to do that in the first place, but, well. I am who I am.

Without the "Perverted" trait, a male player says, "Woah... you really are girl-crazy."

And, while we're here...

Now for the events on the west side of town.

Alas, Deep Purple does not do machines, despite its color.

This is what happens if you cross the street without Jotaro to protect you.

Jotaro's still ending up in the lead just due to the number of events, though this should change pretty quickly.

The "8th Schedule" is the, well, schedule of the Indian Constitution that categorizes its official languages. Kakyoin is anachronistic here; there were only 18 languages listed when JoJo Part 3 takes place. The 92nd Amendment in 2003 added four more (Bodo, Dogri, Santali, and Maithili).

Alright, with the normal stuff out of the way, I can finally highlight some differences from Cascada's playthrough.

Bradio: Only in Japan!
Joseph: 17 is 17...
Bradio: But Mr. Joestar! Hot babes!!

Bradio: AWWW YEAHHHH
Cascada: (...they're all identical... I've got a bad feeling about this...)
Bradio: (Let people enjoy things!)

The bunny outfit was infamously the waitress uniform at the Playboy Club, and wasn't quite as revealing as it seems. The pantyhose were always worn over a second flesh-toned pair.

I wonder if Austin Powers has like, a tiny devoted fandom or something in Japan.

Cascada: (I FUCKING KNEW IT)
Bradio: I can't even score in a foreign country... this sucks!

Cascada: (K I L L)
Bradio: How dare you trample over a man's dreams like this!? I'll kill you!

Every NPC on the map starts to chase you; you're going to get into a minimum of six or seven battles in a row. I believe this is also the only place in the game where the EX variant of Murderdolls appears.

The other "guests" attack you too.

I don't believe we ever actually encountered this enemy with Cascada. As you might expect, they use gun and explosive attacks.

The front door's locked. You've got to fight your way over to the bartender.

This club sequence is the male-exclusive Joey event. The fake church one in Karachi is female-exclusive.

Whenever I start to kind of feel bad about glossing over battles like this, I remember how I've been stuck on this Let's Play for almost two years and desperately need to wrap it up for my own sanity.

Bradio: This is the worst club I've ever been to.
Joseph: How many have you been to?
Bradio: How many have YOU been to?
Joseph: ...I think you might be right, actually!

There's one last thing here in Calcutta that I skipped with Cascada.

Under normal circumstances this is just a weird little zombie area. But we found the mysterious cyborg Nazi back in Hong Kong, which means...

Bradio: Speedwagon? Now where have I heard that name before...
Joseph: S-s-s-... S-s-s-...
Speedwagon: Hm? Are you all right, sir?
Joseph: Speedwagon! Are you really Speedwagon!?
Speedwagon: Er, do I know you? You must have me confused with another Speedwagon...
Joseph: Those eyes! That scar! It really is you! But so young... Are you a zombie!?
Speedwagon: Excuse me!? How rude! Zombies melt in the sunlight, anyhow!
Joseph: ...I must be dreaming... Is this one of Dio's tricks...?

Speedwagon joins the party! Temporarily! He's not meant to join at level 50; we're still dealing with Deus Ex Machina aftereffects and I don't think the "reset party" Dev Room effect works on him due to said temporary status. If you're playing normally it would behoove you to actually run around and get him a few levels before going back to the hotel.

Speedwagon's got some basic physical and explosive skills, along with status-healing "Wisdom" skills in reference to how he thawed Will A. Zeppeli's frozen arm by swaddling it with his steaming abdominal muscles. Unfortunately, he's like Gallahad or early Iggy where you can't control him directly.

Speedwagon's also capable of learning Ripple attacks despite not having the aptitude back in the actual series.

Speedwagon: This "Sendo" stuff isn't as hard as I thought!
Joseph: You could use the Ripple all along and never told me!?
Speedwagon: I don't even know who you are, old man!

Stroheim: Just like I did! Why is this happening, Jojo!?
Joseph: Although it was assumed you died in Stalingrad, your body was never found. It's possible that you were in stasis of some kind. But Speedwagon! It's plain to see that he's younger than ever! And he was warped away while fighting zombies...

Speedwagon: I've got quite a few questions about what you just said...
Stroheim: Bastard! You're clearly a spy disguised as Speedwagon!
Speedwagon: W-w-wait! I'm not a spy, honest!
Stroheim: Exactly what a spy would say! I'll report you to the Schutzstaffel and we'll see what Herr Himmler has to say about this!
Joseph: Hmm... You don't seem to be lying.
Stroheim: Whaaat!? You believe him, Jojo!?

Speedwagon: What's a "Stand"? Is that some type of Sendo?
Stroheim: Was it developed from brilliant German science?
Joseph: Err... Funky Party, you handle this one.
Bradio: Superpowers. They're just superpowers. It's not that complicated.

Stroheim: Hold on, Jojo! Then... What does that make me!?
Cascada: (A fucking Nazi, that's what...)
Bradio: (Shh!)
Joseph: If my theory is correct... Then you wouldn't be the real Stroheim, but an animated corpse that can walk and talk... In other words... A living snapshot of the Stroheim from years past.
Stroheim: T-that's impossible! I'm... I'm... not.... Stroheim?

This pretty much hits the nail on the head according to what Alicia and Berlin told us in the Dev Room. Steel's Dann Penn can read memories, Berlin's Living Things can implant that information into corpses, and Alicia's Element of Freedom can imbue them with life energy. Technically this wouldn't be "reviving the dead" proper, more akin to summoning a copy-paste version like in Fate/Stay Night.

Stroheim: Heh... Hahaha... Hahahahahaha...
Joseph: S-Stroheim?
Stroheim: Jojo! In that case... I really did die on that battlefield!
Joseph: Well, yes... If my theory is true. Only if.

Bradio: Psst, Mr. Joestar...
Joseph: What is it?
Bradio: Can I tell him that fascism is bad?
Joseph: I, uh... maybe later...

Speedwagon: Is the power of Sendo not good enough!?
Stroheim: What about my UV Lasers?
Joseph: Stands are complicated, okay!?
Stroheim: Jojo!
Joseph: However! Until we reach Egypt, we'll need all the help we can get!
Speedwagon: Joseph, sir... Understood!
Stroheim: I'll get in touch with the Speedwagon Foundation right away!
Speedwagon: The what?
Joseph: Thanks! I'm counting on you two!

With that, Speedwagon leaves the party and we end up back in the main Calcutta map with a hefty +2 FP with Joseph.

And that'll wrap up the Singapore/Calcutta FP hoedown. Next up is the rematch with Hanged Man. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

53 - Devils, Trains, Devil Trains

2025-12-19T20:09:36.553Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we had almost no Chaos Mode tomfoolery. This time, let's change that!

We're once again going to start off Singapore with the Devo fight.

We rolled one of the more boring possibilities for Ebony Devil here.

That is, the protagonist notices this instead of Polnareff. Big whoop.

The rest of this goes basically as normal.

Again, even though Bradio's got several levels up on Cascada, Deep Purple has substantially less damage output than Quicksilver due to the range falloff. A lot of these early fights are more of a struggle.

Since we have access to it earlier than normal courtesy of Deus Ex Machina, might as well show off Deep Purple's ultimate attack, Contaminate.

Befitting Deep Purple's status as a Control-type Stand, it's a move that attempts to inflict all non-specific status effects simultaneously. Useful, but not the skeleton key that Wave-Motion Gun was.

The second phase moves into Short range, finally letting Bradio hit his full damage potential.

One down. Next up for Singapore is Yellow Temperance.

Joseph: Did it just say Bradio!?
Abdul: I knew something was odd about him... he's been strangely quiet throughout the journey so far... as if he simply stops paying attention for hours at a time.
Joseph: AND his name has "Dio" in it! How could we be so blind!?
Dio: You're watching me, aren't you... Joseph Joestar!!

Bradio: What a lovely day to rest in my room alone, confident in the trust of my friends, not worrying about the weird voice in my head...
Cascada: (Keep it moving, bucko!)
Bradio: god dammit

Normally, that cutscene with Joseph and Abdul doesn't happen until you're gearing up to leave Singapore, which makes sense because Kakyoin has to be available to hang with in the hub zone. But if Bradio is the traitor, that means we're the ones being impersonated by Rubber Soul. And it's happening right now!

This starts an invisible timer.

We've got about five minutes to book it down to the Trade Centre and catch the cable car.

Bradio: Faker? I think you're the fake Stand user around here. You're comparing yourself to me... ha! You're not even good enough to be m-
Bradio: I'll make you eat those words!

Kakyoin: The real Bradio isn't nearly so fun to be around!
Girl: So that's why he bought me that ice cream...
Jotaro: I knew something was wrong when I started enjoying his company...

Fake Bradio: My Stand assimilates organic matter, so it can be seen and even touched by normal people! My Stand is the Temperance card! Yellow Temperance!!
Kakyoin: Of course! In color theory, yellow is the opposite of purple! That's why he was the complete opposite of Bradio!
Rubber Soul: Hee hee hee! You're in a bad spot Jotaro! I touched you earlier, and now my Stand's on you! Let me give you some advice... Don't touch it! It'll stick to your other finger! The same one you use to pick your nose! It'll eat away at your flesh! Then, you'll be assimilated into me, and I'll get even bigger!

You don't get to choose if you jump on the gondola or not in this case. You automatically join the fight.

Jotaro: Damn it you guys... I didn't tell you to follow me.
Bradio: Don't be stupid! I'm not just going to leave you behind! I'm a Stand user too, you know! Besides, even if his Stand is invincible, he still needs to breathe! I'll suffocate him to death!
Kakyoin: My Stand's specialty is fighting at a distance, so it's least likely that I'll be hit directly and get it attached to my skin like Jotaro did. No matter how strong he is in the outside world, what about in here? Let me show you the spirit of Hierophant Green!
Rubber Soul: Oh yeah? Are you serious? You're gonna take me down with such weak Stands? Hee Hee Hee! Go ahead and try you dickless bastard!
Jotaro: Shoot... Here he comes! Bradio, Kakyoin, let's go!
Kakyoin: It's 3 against 1, but we won't hesitate.
Bradio: Roger!

Rubber Soul still has insanely high defense in his normal form. Even juiced up Jotaro can't do much about it.

I do use Contaminate to land a few status effects, but more just to pass time until he decides to become vulnerable.

With that done, Singapore is also done.

Because we had to rush over to catch the fake, we don't actually get the chance to do all the hub activities in Singapore. I'll load a save next update and do all those normally.

This is an additional line added by the "Pervert" tag we got back in Japan.

Cascada: (You sayin' I don't count?)
Bradio: (you are literally a voice in my head i have no idea what you look like)
Cascada: (Getting off easy this time...)

Kakyoin: He was still quite fun to be around. No offense.
Bradio: What do I even say to that, man?
Cascada: (Even I kinda feel bad, now...)
Jotaro: Why'd you jump on the cable car with me? Sure, things turned out all right this time, but if you interfere too much you're gonna get hurt.
Bradio: Who cares? Everything turned out okay in the end. I really hate it when you get overconfident, y'know.
Kakyoin: I have faith in your strength Jotaro, but I can't let you tackle everything on your own. We're here to help you, so trust us to pull through.

Well that wasn't there before.

This sequence conveniently serves as a brief snapshot of how the game looked when I first played it without the R patch.

Kakyoin: Jotaro, this is...!
Jotaro: There's no doubt, a Stand user is doing this.
Polnareff: Come on! First a boat, now a train! Have some integrity!
Joseph: That's not all, look outside!
Polnareff: What the shit!? There's a fucking tanker in the sky!?

In Update 41 we fought Scribe Ani and I mentioned he was from a Part 3 side novel. He was from the second half; Absalom here was the villain of the first half. The actual battle from the novel takes place right after the N'Doul confrontation, so we're a bit early.

I think I mentioned this before, but in many East Asian languages, the words for "four" and "death" are pronounced similarly. Hence the arrival time.

Jotaro: Bastard... Even with Star Platinum's power, I can't pull these tentacle things off me.
Joseph: If you can't pull it off, wreck this train instead!
Jotaro: On it.

I am picturing this whole sequence like an anime OP, where everyone uses their special moves to attack the sky.

The whale in question was named Monstro in the 1940 Disney movie and is a particularly annoying level in the original Kingdom Hearts. As far as I can tell, the 1911 silent film version was the first to make it a whale; in the original Le avventure di Pinocchio it's a gigantic dogfish (a type of shark).

Bradio: Wha...!?
Joseph: What the hell!?
Absalom: You civilized people deserve to die! I won't let you die with your minds intact! I'll put you all through hell!
Kakyoin: What the hell... This guy...
Polnareff: He's crazy...
Jotaro: ...Isn't it a contradiction to use a train while cursing civilization?
Absalom: Trains are good civilization! Unlike YOU in your fancy SCHOOL UNIFORMS!
Both: (He might be on to something...)

Absalom: Now, I know you're going to die from insanity, but before you do, I'd like to get some data.
Kakyoin: What data!?
Absalom: The data inside your brains. If I can get data on a modern train, my Stand will be even MORE perfect!
Bradio: That bastard... everyone knows Japan has the best trains...

Jotaro: (Gramps, Kakyion, and Abdul are already out of it... that leaves me, Polnareff, and Bradio. We're the only ones who can stop this...)
???: Big bro... I can't do it anymore...
???: Don't be a mammoni Pesci. My Grateful Dead's gasses aren't affecting him at all. Listen to me Pesci! Your Stand is the only thing that can work... Somehow we have to pull ourselves off this train!
Jotaro: (Stand? They're Stand users too? It doesn't look like they work for Dio... I'll take any chance to stop this bastard.)

The cables tying up everyone suddenly vanish!

Jotaro: Now!
Absalom: What the hell!?
Polnareff: Mr. Joestar!

Bradio: Kakyoin and the others were still hurt from the ricochet, they couldn't move quickly enough!
Pesci: Oh, big bro!! If he didn't push me aside, I would have never made it!
Jotaro: ...Hey, looks like you've got important people stuck in there too. If you're going to take on that Stand, you're gonna need help.
Bradio: How'd you get the window open Jotaro?

Pesci and his brother Prosciutto are villains of the week from Part 5, which takes place in Italy (could you tell?). They get to star in this aside because they attack the heroes on a train during their original appearance.

The fully unique Chaos Mode events have noticeably more typos than the rest of the game. Understandable, since they'll only be seen by a tiny fraction of players.

Pesci: ...Oh, if only my Beach Boy was hooked to him...
Polnareff: ...? Is that your Stand? What happens if you hook him?
Pesci: My Beach Boy is a fishing rod Stand. If it was hooked to him, I could tell where he is and where he's coming from. Plus, the vibrations bounce directly off and attack who made it... Which means if we hook him, we can bounce his attacks back at him!
Jotaro: ...Well, I guess we'll have to hook him with our own hands.

And we're off to the races. First, a quick glance at our new temp.

Pesci's character class here is listed as "Manmoni", a typo of "mammoni", which is roughly Italian for "momma's boy" and has certain specific cultural contexts that we don't need to get into.

"Hit!" is his only real ability besides some basic skills, and we have to use it to beat Absalom.

The map here is a confusing mess (on purpose). Many of the buildings are meant to be floating in midair, so you can move under them... and so can the train. It's constantly chasing you down and starting battles before you get much chance to react.

The gimmick here is that Satanic Coupler almost always gets a pre-emptive strike on you, allowing the invincible Shockwave enemy to put up its buff and become basically invincible. Then, after hitting you a few times, it flees and we repeat the cycle on the overworld map.

You have to use Beach Boy to hook Satanic Coupler. Then, any damage done to Pesci is also inflicted on the enemy.

So you want Pesci to get beaten up as much as possible while also making sure to keep him alive. It's an interesting setpiece, but I don't know if I'd necessarily call it fun...

Once you've done enough damage via Pesci, Satanic Coupler stops getting full surprise rounds and you might actually get in a couple turns to damage it normally.

...it still hits you with status effects though.

As far as I recall, there are a bunch of unique overworld sprites here not used anywhere else. The McDonald's sign stands out.

Finally, Jotaro gets a turn in.

Time Stop usually causes a color invert effect on the background, but since this is a flat monochrome image, nothing actually changes.

Defeating Satanic Coupler gives us 666 EXP, naturally.

In most translations of the canonically final book in the New Testament series of Christian folklore, 666 is the "number of the beast", a plausibly-deniable reference to the Roman emperor Nero via Hebrew goroawase. Though Nero died of suicide 20-30 years earlier in the timeline, contemporary fandom theories held that he would return and resume his tyrannical reign.

These days, Nero is "internet famous" in the form of a busty blonde woman with a penchant for skimpy red outfits, but I'll leave you to research that yourself.

Jotaro: I hope I get to punch a train again...
Bradio: I hope I never have to ride a train again...
Cascada: (I hope I can eat the food in Singapore again...)
Joseph: I hope I have the chance to get some sleep again...
Kakyoin: I hope I get to show off my devious intellect again...
Abdul: I hope my Crossfire Hurricane works against something again...
Polnareff: I hope I never have to team up with an Italian again...

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

52 - Calm Seas

2025-12-12T16:05:53.476Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Hong Kong. This time, the sea.

As far as I know it's not possible to get any FP with Polnareff before this point.

Still none...

YES PLEASE

There are a few Chaos Mode events that could happen here, but none did this time. Sometimes it's a random roll in the moment and sometimes it's based on a random value generated at the start of the playthrough.

Obviously.

I get a little worried about the three turn limit here because Cascada's damage output was on a different level, but it turns out just fine.

This was already questionable when Quicksilver was a ranged arm cannon. Deep Purple is made of smoke.

Captain Tennille: !? ...H-how'd you do that!?
Jotaro: Heh... You come in handy sometimes. Now this'll be easy...

This event removes the boss fight's normal 10-turn limit. However, if you picked "Can't Swim" earlier, that takes precedence. Also it's not like this was gonna last anywhere near 10 turns in the first place.

Bradio: Why am I even here...?
Cascada: (Nah, you did good.)
Bradio: Even the weird voices in my head are patronizing me...
Jotaro: The what?
Bradio: Uh, nothing...

If you remember last time, we don't want to just immediately rush the orangutan.

Diavolo spotted.

Star Platinum: The World is truly busted and I'm glad it is.

This time I actually take a breath and observe the cycles rather than blundering through. Let's call it roleplaying, since the 7th is no longer bull-headed Cascada.

We took Polnareff here with Cascada, but that was still back when I was trying to keep FP balanced depending on how the polls went. This time, I don't particularly care as long as we break the True Ending thresholds by Cairo.

Okay now we can kill the orangutan.

Polnareff was actually a great choice because his high speed let him sweep all the adds every turn. I have substantially more trouble this time.

This shit right here. If Forever melts into the wall, you can't damage him, and he might just stay there for like five or six turns while the other ship parts regenerate indefinitely. It's annoying!

Finally.

Polnareff had a sword, so this probably went quick. How many Emerald Splashes does it take to kill a 400 pound orangutan?

Without any big shake-ups or Chaos events, this update ended up way smaller than usual. The next one should hopefully make up for it. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

51 - Kowloon Bizarre Adventures

2025-12-05T19:15:08.828Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time we covered Japan in NG+. This time we'll speed through the Hong Kong maps.

No changes or Chaos events yet.

Bradio: ...No way.
Abdul: That old man... He must have been the Stand user.
Joseph: He was trying to pull one over on us, the old bastard!

This particularly convenient Chaos event lets us simply skip the boss fight. Nice!

...Unfortunately he's already killed the pilots because the game has to continue according to plan.

Kakyoin: It looks like he won't be getting up from that any time soon. Hierophant Green... If something tries to remove it, it gets angry.
Abdul: This plane is about to crash!
Joseph: Me fly plane before!
Jotaro: Gramps fly plane?
Joseph: Me fly plane before War! Crash plane twice!

I'm always slightly annoyed by the first Hong Kong map because you don't have access to party members. Feels like I've gotta rush to get to the Harbor.

Diavolo's gonna be somewhere on almost every hub map. We ignore him this time.

We couldn't help this guy with an arm cannon, but now we can! We get a Foo Fightalin out of it, which permanently increases Defense by 3.

Bradio: Uh, look man, you're obviously having a bad time and there's nothing stopping us from going about this like mature adults. How much do you need?
Freu: ...wow, uh, well... how about...
Cascada: (No way, fuck him up!)
Bradio: WHAT IN THE HELL DID I JUST HEAR
Freu: Aaaah! You're trying to trick me! Just gimme your cash!

We're here to see new things, not trudge through boss fights.

In Chaos Mode, sometimes the leaves become slippery and send you careening. I feel like you have to go out of your way to hit a food cart, but the unique interaction is a fun addition.

Bradio: Hey, um, Steel. What do you know about weird voices in your head? Besides yours, I mean.
Steel: This might be the work of an enemy Stand... what does it sound like?
Bradio: Like a teenage girl who thinks she's being sassy but is kinda just an asshole.
Steel: ...I'm not su- ah.
Bradio: "Ah?"
Steel: She might be annoying...
Cascada: (Hey, screw you!)
Steel: ...but she won't steer you wrong... probably.
Bradio: ...Well, if you say so...
Cascada: (Hey, put on that dumb Edo period cosplay. It'll be hilarious.)
Bradio: i immediately regret this

This puts us in a stereotypical samurai kamishimo, and more importantly gets us a special bit with Utah.

Utah: DŌMO, HAJIMEMASHITE. I am UTAH NINJA.
Bradio: DŌMO, UTAH NINJA-san. I am BRADIO NINJA.

Utah: YEEEART!
Bradio: YEEEART!!

Utah: YEEEART!!!
Bradio: YEEEART!!!

Utah: GWAAAGH!
Steel: NAMU SAN!

Here's a look at the Deus Ex Machina armor while we change back into normal clothes.

Yeah, I suppose it would.

In Chaos Mode, Utah has a chance to jump in and help you with encounters after you've defeated him. If he's beat up enough by the end of a battle, there's also a chance he'll join for the rest of Hong Kong 1, but I couldn't get it to trigger. He's got a few unique interactions and even some food commentary like Joseph.

Joseph: Hey now, I just said taking the plane isn't an option.
Bradio: No, let's ask the Speedwagon Foundation for a jet this time.
Joseph: A charter jet... Still, if we got shot down again...
Bradio: A jet traveling hundreds of kilometers in the air... I don't think any Stand could touch that. If he could, Dio wouldn't have put someone on the plane in Japan. Even Hierophant Green couldn't shoot down a jet.
Kakyoin: Yeah...
Cascada: (I could, though. No fuckin' problem.)
Bradio: (Nobody asked you!)
Joseph: Alright, we'll take a jet with just us. Let's head straight for Egypt.
Jotaro: Who's piloting?
Joseph: Me, of course!
Jotaro: ...Give me a @#S% break...
Joseph: I didn't bust my grandson out of a jail cell two days ago to take lip from you, kid.

I think that's literally the Angry Sun from Super Mario Bros. 3.

No sequence breaking for us, alas.

This is specifically referencing the Game Over screen from infamous kusoge Takeshi's Challenge.

Now we get the animation on the right hand side of Young Joseph beating up a racist rather than simply static sprites. Neat.

Abdul is still at his base level, but briefly wearing the Deus Ex Machina means he has all of his skills (and we have a full inventory) so this is a substantially easier fight than last time.

Joseph: What are you doing?
Kakyoin: What is it?
Polnareff: Use your eyes! Your eyes! Look here, see!?
Abdul: Use my eyes?
Polnareff: Look, look!...
Bradio: What am I supposed to be looking at?

Polnareff: MY back!!
Abdul: Oh!? This!

We're juiced up enough that this shouldn't be an issue.

Bradio is probably three or four levels higher than Cascada was at this point and she was still doing more damage than this.

Cascada: (Haha, yes! REVENGE!)
Bradio: (Do I even want to know?)
King Crimson: If you wish... I can skip to the next scene.
Cascada: (Hit it!)
Bradio: Now wait a goddamn se-

Once again, the real 7th Stand User starts here.

Kakyoin's interactions with a male player character are generally more casual compared to his weird gentleman act with Cascada. He's also got a different friend event here.

This ends with a tired "uh oh, that's not a lady!" gag and I cannot be assed to show the rest of it.

We're going to avoid fighting Utah this time, which according to my guide means he'll have some different interactions later.

We pick up Abdul and go take down Chicken Shack like last time. Nothing special.

Might as well fuck around if we've got an effectively unlimited supply.

Holy Sandstorm was the special move of a villain from Part 2.

Appropriate, since we need Joseph in the party for the start of this quest chain that I purposefully skipped in Cascada's run.

There's an NPC hiding behind the roof of the building.

Joseph: ...! I-is that really you, Stroheim!?
Soldier: ? ...Who are you, geezer!? Why do you know my name!?
Joseph: Oh, come on! It's me! You know... Happy, joy-py, nice to meet you-py~! And look! My left hand is prosthetic! It's me, Joseph Joestar! We fought Santana and Cars together!
Stroheim: ...! Jo... Joseph!? Joseph Joestar!? Is that you!?
Cascada: (...Who the fuck is this?)
Bradio: (I don't care anymore. Honestly I'm not sure anything can phase me after the past 48 hours.)
Cascada: (Oh, just wait, kid.)

Reminder that Joseph Joestar literally teamed up with Nazis to fight mega-vampires.

GOOD! GET THEM OUT OF HERE!!

On a first playthrough, this is totally out of left field, but now we've gotten an explanation from Alicia in the Dev Room. Stroheim won't be the only legacy character we meet.

The Battle of Stalingrad is considered arguably the bloodiest battle in all of human history; over six months it caused ten times more casualties than the entire Hundred Years' War.

IT IS IF YOU'RE A FUCKING NAZI

In the Part 2 anime, Stroheim is voiced by Atsushi Imaruoka, who doesn't get too many roles but is always recognizable by his particular tenor of unhinged screaming. He also played M.O.D.O.K. in Marvel Disk Wars: The Avengers.

We'll see him again much later. For now, we're done with Hong Kong.

Next up are the group's oceanic misadventures. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

50 - Here We Go Again

2025-11-28T15:44:06.259Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time we started a New Game Plus. This time we're going to run through the Japan map and see some of the new things that show up.

Deep Purple's basic attack is way better than Quicksilver's, innately hitting all enemies and potentially inflicting Poison or NoBreath status, but it also gets saddled with the intense Short-range damage falloff.

Nothing creepy here. Just a close-knit community.

Aaand now it's weird. I stop here, but if you keep pressing, your character gets saddled with the "lolicon" trait. You can figure that one out yourself.

Quicksilver's powerful multi-target attacks take a bit to start rolling, but Deep Purple gets this at Level 2. Since we're a few levels ahead from Dragon Question and also wearing the endgame-tier Speedwagon Armor, every normal battle in Japan drops in one turn.

Remember the bloodstains in every map? Sure you do. But do you remember the visual-kei weirdo who hangs out next to them?

Fans of Part 5 will recognize ol' Diavolo, the actual user of King Crimson. He now spawns on every map as a bonus encounter as part of his final fate to die over and over again for all eternity.

Level 5 Bradio is not really strong enough to take this guy in a straight up slugfest. But we have contingencies.

goddammit

FUCK

He reappears after a screen transition, at least.

Diavolo's constantly freaking out during these fights which means he almost never attacks you directly. He's a great early-game piñata if you're feeling a little cheeky.

The 4444s are because in many East Asian languages, the words for "four" and "death" sound very similar (in Japanese, it'd be "shi").

A solid like eight or nine levels from that. Cascada wasn't level 13 until the Polnareff fight.

Off to the schoolyard.

Specific Stands catch this cat for free, but otherwise it's a stat check you can't reasonably meet at early levels. Ain't shit for us though.

Despite only ever being referred to as "Schoolgirl" in-game, the event files refer to this character as "Fumitake Katsumi" and describe her as "a rough girl with a foul mouth but a gentle heart". She's meant to be the 7th Stand User's friend from junior high, a cheerleader, and a secret Jotaro fangirl.

Clubs are only in NG+. Back when I first played 7SU, this opened up a text-entry menu and you sort of just had to make an educated guess about what kind of clubs there were. Here we get a big nested menu of options. The text entry is still buried somewhere in there though.

That's "Audio-Visual", not "Adult Video".

Almost all clubs give a tiny stat boost, and a few other besides have minor dialogue changes throughout the game. If you're using the Mid/Speed Stand (which is sound-based), you can learn some mid-game skills early by joining the modern music club.

Bradio probably goes for the glasses girls.

As far as I know there isn't even a Chemistry Club in the game, nor any bonuses coded in for starting your own.

...what would you even do in a chemistry club? Light shit on fire?

This girl is probably the obligatory mad scientist side character in a high-school comedy happening completely offscreen while the Stardust Crusaders are off travelling.

Bradio: You should check out Osamu Tezuka's Cleopatra. That shit is INSANE.

This gives Bradio the "perverted" trait, which I believe mostly affects dialogue with Polnareff.

Bootleg games have certainly caused more good than harm in the long run. I'm told Gianna Sisters is a C64 institution.

Moving on.

We joined the Handicraft Club but there isn't any new dialogue in here. Alas.

The rest of school is pretty much how we saw last time.

Hey, now you've got context! The full text of these books are back in Update 3.

If you check the notepad without writing anything first...

Unlike Diavolo, you can't bail from this one. This guy would chase you down to the ends of the earth.

Too bad for him, we have our own bomb Stand.

And also a burlap sack full of nukes.

SHEER HEART ATTACK HAS NO WEAKNESSES

He gives about half as much EXP as Diavolo despite being a much harder fight.

This sets the Holly Timer back to Day 1... which doesn't matter because we haven't started the plot yet.

I check it again to see if it's repeatable... without healing. Oops.

I lose a good ten minutes of gameplay here and have to retrace all my steps. The things I do for the entertainment of strangers.

Alright, let's fast forward to Jotaro fighting Kakyoin.

Maybe a smidge overkill.

lol, lmao

Jotaro pulls out the flesh bud, et cetera.

In NG+ something is slightly different when we check FP with Steel.

Hmmm.

Additionally, King Crimson gives Steel a couple shops we can access at any time.

Pretty useful.

Keep it moving!!!

Steel: You might be stuck as the low-effort second playthrough character... but that doesn't make you any less valid.
Bradio: ...what does that even mean

This was locked! Now it isn't!

He still wanders around the maps like normal, but if you have the cash you can just mash the action button here and get your stats up.

If you push into the wall at this spot, you get a sort of knock-knock sound, until...

The Ghost House from Part 6! Every main hub map has an entrance to this place somewhere. Often it's in an incidental building with like one NPC inside.

The sink gives you unlimited Bottled Water, if you're so inclined.

Okay, left door.

For now, this room is almost completely empty. It fills up with all of the named characters you kill across the game. You yourself show up here as a ghost if you die during certain major battles, like the final boss fight with Vins.

Dio's shitty dad continues to be shitty.

Maybe another time. It's not here yet.

Okay, looks like we did get a special family event from Chaos Mode. This one is meant to signify that the 7th Stand user is secretly a descendant of the Zeppeli family. Another version of this in Chaos Mode straight up changes all of their sprites to be different Ripple-using characters: Mom becomes Lisa-Lisa, Dad becomes Will A. Zeppeli, and Lil' Sis becomes Big Bro Caesar.

...Ignore that we had the whole set in our pocket the whole time.

Not quite yet. One more thing, on the school rooftop.

Cascada: 'Sup.
Bradio: Sorry, uh, who...?
Cascada: You've gotta go kill Dio, right?
Bradio: ?????
Cascada: It's cool, I already handled most of it. Just focus on the essentials, okay dude?
Bradio: I, uh, wait...
Cascada: Look, don't worry about it. It's good you talked to me. I'll keep an eye out for you.
Bradio: O-okay??

Cascada: Polnareff in particular. Fuck him up.
Bradio: (...............what a weirdo......)

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

5 - JoJo no Natsuyasumi

2024-10-04T18:25:20.759Z

(Originally posted March 22, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Cascada and Jotaro were ambushed by Noriaki Kakyoin and his Stand Hierophant Green on behalf of Dio. We proceeded to punch him across the room and cover his entire body in third degree burns. Now, we're taking him in to pump him for information.

Holly: Just now... Jotaro was thinking about me at school! I felt it! It's the bond between mother and son! ♡

Jotaro: I wasn't thinking about you.

The Kujo household is one of those big, fancy Japanese homes that Rich People in anime have. They got one of those bamboo water clonkers and everything.

I have not bothered to verify this at all so take it with a grain of salt, but I've heard that Japanese property tax increases based on the age of the building, so landowners are incentivized to fully renovate every 15-20 years or so; having an old house is an even greater status symbol than simply being a homeowner.

Kakyoin: N... nngh...

Holly: He's... He's bleeding... Did you do this!?
Jotaro: It's none of your business. ...I'm looking for Gramps. It's such a pain to find anyone in a house this big... is he in the tea room?
Holly: Yeah... I think Abdul's there, too...

Jotaro: You're annoying.
Cascada: Better than being an asshole.

Holly: (I know that you're a nice boy deep down...)
Jotaro: Hey! ...You don't look like your usual self. ...Are you feeling okay?
Holly: ...........

Holly: (...He really does care! ♡)

Answering "Yes" increases our Friendship Points with Jotaro, so no real reason not to do so. Even if he is a dick.

Cascada: We nearly killed a guy together, so... I GUESS.......
Holly: Eeeeee! I knew it!! Oh! Since you're going to the tearoom anyway... I'll bring a first-aid kit and some snacks! ♡

If she were born 40 years later, Holly would be putting "uwu" at the end of her sentences. Guaranteed.

Even in the manga, I always found this an incredibly funny cut. Jotaro punches the ever-living shit out of a dude, drags the bloody body home, and Joseph is just like, "wellp, he's a goner."

Joseph: Jotaro... It isn't your fault... Look... This man has already pledged his loyalty to Dio. And do you know why? It's because... of this!

Jotaro: What is this thing? It looks like a spider...
Cascada: I-it almost looks alive...
Abdul: That's a "flesh bud", forged from Dio's cells! It's burrowed its way into that boy's forehead. Tiny as it may be, it's reached deep enough into his brain to influence his thoughts and feelings!

In Part 1, Dio used his vampire powers to make a bunch of gross human sculptures and chimeras and shit. This is pretty par for the course when it comes to him.

Cascada: So... in other words, he's brainwashed him!

You know how in Kingdom Hearts, half the time when you go to a Disney world, it's just Sora-Donald-Goofy standing off to the side and going "whoa! gawrsh!" as the plot of the movie happens in front of them? Most of Cascada's dialogue is going to be kinda like that. It is what it is.

Joseph: Yes, I suppose you could say that.
Joseph: By the way, who are you?
Cascada: Don't get me started or we'll be here all day.
Jotaro: Why not just operate on him?

Joseph: ...He'll suffer permanent brain damage.

Around here is when anyone who's read Part 2 starts asking questions like, "Joseph can shoot magic sun energy out of his body, wouldn't that wipe out a vampiric flesh bud no problem?" and the series is content to look you in the eye and answer, "that was last season, dude."

Joseph: The Cairo story AGAIN? Abdul, please...
Abdul: It is very important exposition, Mr. Joestar. Every detail.
! Abdul: ......When I met him... Dio!

Abdul: Then, I saw him, quietly observing me from atop the stairs.

The Berserk references truly are everywhere.
(Ed. Note: JoJo Part 3 started before Berserk did and ended about six months after Griffith's first appearance)

Joseph: At least 80% of that is because of my grandfather's body, you know.
Abdul: Madam Erina had impeccable taste, Mr. Joestar.

Dio: You... You're no run-of-the-mill human, are you? I can sense that you possess a 'special power...' I'd be very happy... If you were to demonstrate it for me.

Dio's hair transforms into a mass of tentacles that grasp at Abdul!

Abdul: Uooooooohhhhhhh!
Cascada: You could have just said you screamed in fear, you didn't have to ACTUALLY scream.
Joseph: -Sigh-
Both: EVERY detail.

Abdul: I thanked my lucky stars that I had recognized him as Dio, and as quickly as I could, I escaped through the window! I knew my way around the labyrinthine bazaar, so I had the good fortune to evade him...
Abdul: ...If I hadn't... I'd have ended up just like this boy. I would use my Stand to betray my friends, at his beck and call!

Jotaro: Not so fast! Kakyoin's not dead yet!

hey that's my podcast sign-on you can't use it

Cascada: What are you doing, Jotaro...?

Okay I think we're learning that Jotaro just has a thing for pulling it out. This is already twice in one day.

Joseph: Stop! Look at the part of the flesh bud that's outside the brain! There's a reason why even the world's most skilled surgeon can't remove it!

Abdul: Damn! It's gotten into your arm! Hurry, Jojo! Let go of him!
Cascada: T-the tentacle...! At that speed, it'll reach his brain in seconds!
Kakyoin: You... bas... tard...

Abdul: Let go, Jojo! It's already reached your face!!

Cascada: Hey, there's only room for one Machine around here and you're lookin' at her.
Cascada: So this is what Jotaro's Stand is capable of...?

There is no reason given for why Joseph couldn't have done this in the first place. It's especially galling because in a later chapter he does remove one by simply channeling Ripple through his body. It's just one of those things.

Ed. Note: I double-checked and the event I'm referring to only happens in the 2014 anime adaptation, which came out after this game. Oops.

We fade back in on what appears to be a guest bedroom.

Cascada: I... live two blocks away and I have a Heat Ray.
Joseph: We have a complimentary continental breakfast.
Cascada: I guess I AM pretty tired...

Joseph: That dream you were talking about, with Abdul and that strange voice... Seems pretty hard to believe. But you don't seem like one of Dio's minions, so I'm not too worried. It seems that, for whatever reason, Stand users are popping up everywhere...
Cascada: Yeah, have you gone outside? Killer floating dolls every half-block.

Insert your favorite inn sleep jingle here. I'm partial to Wild Arms.

In the morning, Cascada is given free rein of the Kujo household. There's quite a few big rooms with a handful of tutorial/tip messages on the bookshelves. It's basic stuff like "save often!" and "if you don't level up, the enemies will get tougher!" faff.

There's probably an interesting conversation to be had (that has already been had, more like) about assuming what a player does or doesn't know. Like, I've played enough games to understand the basic mechanics of 7SU purely from its aesthetics, but what if someone who never played video games downloaded it because they like JoJo? Would they even know to click on bookshelves for hints? Would they understand leveling up?

My uncle had a huge DLP TV like this one that he bought right around when plasma was starting to take off. Took up an entire corner of his living room.

It's possible that this whole second floor with Kakyoin was always here, but I certainly don't remember it from when I played the game previously. It's got some of the tutorial books, so it must have been??

Joseph: By the way, have you seen Holly? I've been looking for her all morning!

As we navigate the hallways towards the exit, we run into Abdul.

Cascada: Are you seriously flirting with a high schooler?
Abdul: No. I merely find the situation bemusing.
Cascada: We're good then.

Something shatters in the kitchen! Is it one of Dio's assassins?

Joseph and Jotaro come running in.

Abdul: This is...!! It can't be... Pardon me!!

I do like the continuity here where because Joseph's Stand is made of thorns and vines, Holly's is as well. There are even implications that Jonathan's Stand would have had a similar motif. ...We have no explanation for Jotaro whatsoever.

Abdul: I can't believe it... My hand passes right through it... This is definitely... A Stand!! Holly's Stand has awakened as well! But... this fever... The Stand is harming her... I'd thought that Mr. Joestar and Jojo were the only ones affected by Dio's curse...
Abdul: Thinking Holly was the exception, I relaxed... N-no... I only thought I could relax! It seems that all those with Joestar blood flowing through their veins are susceptible! Stands are manipulated by the user's fighting spirit... but Holly doesn't have an ounce of aggression in her entire body!
Abdul: She's so sweet and gentle... She can't control it! That's why it's hurting her! This is terrible... If this continues... she'll... It'll kill her!

Joseph: I knew that she wouldn't have the power to fight Dio's curse...

They are making all this hullaballoo that Holly has no Fighting Spirit or Killing Intent or whatever but I dunno, I feel like her ability to remain utterly unflapped and unconditionally loving while her son calls her a bitch to her face requires some pretty fucking powerful inner strength. My brother called me emotionally controlling for asking him to get a covid vaccine and it still kinda stings.

Jotaro: Say it already! Say you have a plan!
Joseph: Nngh... urgh... There's one way.

Joseph: ...But I can't determine his location just from my spirit photography... Shit!!

It doesn't necessarily come through in this medium, but whenever Joseph says a swear word, he's almost always saying it in English (with all of the rest of the dialogue being in Japanese). In the manga, the English words sometimes get full-on drawn into the speech bubbles; the anime naturally has his voice actor (the late great Unsho Ishizuka, aka Professor Oak) just shout the words. It's a hoot every time.

Cascada: He has to have left SOME kind of trail...!!

Abdul: We've tried analyzing the photo with all kinds of high-tech gadgets, but to no effect.
Cascada: You said you met him in Cairo, right? We could start there?
Abdul: I categorically refuse to entertain the notion that Dio may still be in Egypt. Surely he has moved elsewhere, such as the American Gulf Coast.
Jotaro: Hey. I just might know a way... Just maybe, I might know a way to figure out where he's hiding!

Jojo summons his Stand, which proceeds to stare real hard at the photo. Its eyes are sticking way out right now, like a horny cartoon wolf or possibly Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney.

Jotaro: Enhance.

Jotaro: Enhance!

Jotaro: ENHANCE!!

Jotaro's Stand: also extremely good at drawing. He'd make a killing as a courtroom artist.

Abdul: It's a fly! A fly was buzzing in the air behind him! Wait... I... I recognize this fly!

Luckily, the Kujo household has the Global Encyclopedia of Insects as their coffee table book.

I do not believe this is a real fly. Subsequent versions of Part 3 have referred to it as a "tsetse fly", which is real and also a huge fucking problem in sub-Saharan Africa due to its role in transmitting parasites. "Preys on livestock" kind of undersells it.

Cascada: IS he now?
Abdul: .............

Kakyoin: For whatever reason, he must be reluctant to leave Egypt.
Cascada: Fascinating. Isn't it, Abdul?
Abdul: ......Skilled though I am, my fortune-telling is perhaps not... one-hundred percent accurate...
Jotaro: ...Why do you want to come with us?
Kakyoin: Hmm... I'm not so sure myself either.... I wouldn't be here now if not for you. That's really all there is to it.

Cascada: Oh so you aren't going to ask HIM a dozen probing questions about how he behaves in social situations? Real fair.
Kakyoin: ...there's only one card in that deck.
Abdul: My fortune-telling requires SILENCE!

In the original magazine version, it was called Star Silver. This is better.

Abdul: Now... we must go! For Holly's sake!
Abdul: Cascada... This isn't your fight, and I don't intend to coerce you into going with us. But we could use your power... The power of a Stand-user with the courage to help those in need!
Abdul: Even if your Quicksilver's Heat Ray kind of overlaps with my Magician's Red...
Abdul: ...I think it may be destiny that you met with us. What do you say, Cascada? Will you lend us your strength?

The top option increases your FP with the entire party. Refusing lowers it. And Cascada is a Champion of Justice (When It Suits Her), so...

Abdul: I had a feeling you'd say that!
Cascada: You're the one who made me come up with a catchphrase!
Joseph: I can't thank you enough, Cascada.
Abdul: I look forward to getting to know you from here on out.
Kakyoin: I'm sorry for everything that happened earlier. Maybe I can make it up to you somewhere down the line.
Jotaro: ...Sorry. I didn't think you'd end up getting wrapped up in all this. If things get nasty out there, then you're free to go back.

chill the fuck out jojo

We scene transition into a side room of the Kujo house.

Robert Edward O. Speedwagon from Part 1 (and the first update) founded some kind of huge nonprofit conglomerate that's just a front for assisting the Joestar family with whatever paranormal bullshit they're up to this decade, so deep was his love for the late Jonathan.

Abdul: I've watched countless people die by their own Stands in the past. But for Holly, there's hope! As long as we can get to Dio and take him out within 50 days... her Stand will disappear! She'll be saved!

Okay, but what if we just taught her kung-fu or something, and then she'd have the minimum required amount of Fighting Spirit. I'm just saying.

Holly: To think I collapsed with a fever... But now that I've taken medicine, I feel so much better!
Joseph: You startled me, Holly! Try not to give me a heart attack!
Holly: Hmhm... Right, sorry, Papa! Now where were we... Right! Jotaro... what do you want for dinner?
Jotaro: Don't move! Just go back to sleep!!

Holly: ...Heehee... you're right! Everyone's so nice to me when I'm sick... I guess a flu every now and then isn't too bad!

My own mother never used to get flu shots until she caught the flu in a foreign country and passed out alone in her hotel room. Now it's ASAP, every year.

Joseph: She... even with that high fever, she tried to reassure us that things were fine... She definitely knows what's going on... She didn't say it, but she noticed the Stand on her back! She's hiding it from us! My kind, beautiful daughter... She didn't want to make us worry about her!

I think it would be pretty hard to not notice spectral thorns growing out of your spine and stabbing into you.

Kakyoin: If I were ever to fall in love, I'd want it to be with a woman like her. I want to protect her... If only to see her smile again.
Abdul: Hm... we should get going.
Abdul: After we defeat Dio, I will introduce you to Mr. Joestar's mother. She is quite the woman, if that is your preference.
Kakyoin: Why, thank you. That sounds excellent.

If my teenage daughter wanted to vacation in a foreign country with the mega-rich delinquent next door, I would probably not be okay with it. If she had a Stand, then we could at least discuss it.

Joseph: Come back here when you're ready.
Cascada: Got it.

We get booted back to the Japan map, and if we talk to Steel now...

Steel: What pitiable circumstances... Destiny can be mercilessly cruel. It seems that if you don't defeat Dio within 50 days, Holly's life will be at risk. You must hurry... Also... Do keep in mind that resting at the hotel or in your bedroom at home will cause time to pass. It's a long way to Egypt from here, so there's little time to waste. Think carefully before you rest and use your days prudently.

Which means no more free heals, unfortunately. Glad we stocked up on 99 bottles of water yesterday.

These assholes are still running around town, but starting the Holly timer causes another change. Delinquents now have a chance to drop a rare item.

Once this is in our inventory, we can go back to see that strange fortune-teller (not that one, I meant the one in the arcade).

oh shit

A whole gang descends upon Cascada, but we book it over to the fortune-teller before they get ahold of us.

Rainbow: I am called Rainbow. My job is to rid this city of you Stand users. I didn't think you'd find me here, but now I can take care of business...

Cascada: Woah oh, bitch.

See you next time, when we finally (for real this time) hit the road!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

49 - New Game Plus

2025-11-21T16:45:27.698Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we definitively wrapped up a single full playthrough of The 7th Stand User, fulfilling my obligation towards this Let's Play that started back on Cohost dot org. For now, the plan is to skim through NG+ and see how things could turn out a bit differently.

I don't intend to retread every story beat, just show off some things we didn't get the chance to with Cascada. We're going to roll fast and loose.

File 15 is my old file where I've beaten the game four (4) times. That means most of the big things are unlocked, though there's still a ton of stuff crammed in the game that I'll probably never see personally.

thanks cheat engine

Normally, you can't even open the menu in the Dev Room, and therefore cannot save. After beating the game four times, Steel lets you save for the price of one Badge of Honor.

Probably unnecessary. Oh well.

I considered doing a Josuke run as the second playthrough but frankly yall can do that shit on your own.

Game:

"Chaos Mode" has the potential for drastically changing what happens in the game. This is a special mode for the people who've played the game many times and want a new experience. The chance for some events is calculated on the fly, but others are calculated right now, if you decide to use the Chaotic Key. Other events depend on your traits and choices.

This is hard "yes" from me, to the point where I'd recommend hacking your money up after a first run to buy it in the Dev Room.

If you want to watch the prologue again you can just read the first two updates again.

Quicksilver was Long/Special (but might as well have been Power, let's be real), so let's do the opposite and go for the Close/Control Stand.

There's cold reading and there's completely missing the mark because I chose answers to get a specific Stand, not to find my personality.

Can't beat the classics...

We're going for The Most Average Boy this time.

This is probably the big downside to Chaos Mode: it doesn't always play nice with King Crimson. A lot of events only happen in cutscenes, so skipping them means you're missing out.

Around here is where I open up the menu and realize I still had the "Deus Ex Machina" equipment on from the end of the last playthrough, which jacks all of the party's stats up to maximum and sets you at the level cap. I start over with another NG+, which doesn't actually affect anything and in fact makes some things worse because I forget to buy some shit from the Dev Room.

I joked about this line in Update 2, but I had no way of knowing exactly how much pain and suffering it'd cause me. Yet here we are, 47 updates and almost two years later.

No time for this shit.

BRADIO did the OP song for Death Parade and in general have some fun music; they refer to their fans as "Funky Party People", hence the catchphrase. A decade ago they were slated to do their first show in America at small local anime con I planned on attending, and then it turned out the guy running the convention was embezzling money and the entire thing got cancelled. I put the refund towards first day showing tickets of Star Wars: The Force Awakens and it was not worth it.

fuck it, they're boring anyway

Right, so, the Deus Ex Machina armor. Basically a win button. It costs 99 Badges of Honor in the Dev Room.

The "doesn't effect [sic] your protagonist" part is because you can just equip something else normal-like. Problem is that we're still at level 50 with all of our attacks unlocked... but there are ways to deal with that too.

I am ethnically obligated to rep Singapore.

If you bought the Game Boy and didn't give it to Kakyoin, that also shows up here.

The state of your family is something with a lot of Chaos Mode variation. So, of course, we roll the most normal one.

We've gotta do something about being level 50.

keep it moving

We head south. This leftmost building opens once you've beaten the game and found a hidden invitation letter in the school lockers.

Aya is from Part 4 and uses her Stand Cinderella to... be the best beautician in town. Multiple people in Part 4 just use their Stands to be good at mundane things and live otherwise normal lives, which is part of why it's my favorite one.

Aya: This is a cosmetics shop where you can change not just your looks, but your destiny as well. One warning, however... Changing your destiny means starting again from square one. You'll be much weaker than before. The rest is up to you... Phewww...
Aya: Recently, I've been trying my hand with makeovers... So if you want one, just tell me. I can make you feel like a brand new person. Though... I'm not perfect... There may be times when your old image shows up... Sorry. It's a technical thing, so I've been told...

Back to basics... but we still keep all of our learned skills. Alas. We'll survive.

Not a huge difference considering the sprite size. Seems like a pain to implement for little concrete reward, but I suppose that's the story of so many weird details in this game.

We're going to roll with glasses to keep up our The Most Average Boy quotient.

Back home, NG+ unlocks the doors for your sister's and parents' rooms.

Sis will catch you if you move too quickly inside her room.

I looked at the files to figure out how exactly the game tracks this. There's an event tile that spawns in front of you in the hallway, and it's programmed to trace a set pattern around the room at half normal movement speed. A second event tile spawns at the other end of the room and moves at one-quarter speed towards your location. Neither tile can move to overlap onto where you are, but if you step on either, Sis catches you.

Bradio: I, uh... nothing.

There is nothing particularly interesting in your parents' room except for a slight chance to find a Bawdy Magazine under the bed. It didn't spawn this time.

Last, if we go upstairs...

The souvenir room! Stuff appears here as long as it's in your inventory.

This sword is part of one of the most infamous sidequests in the game, one which I have never done because it is a colossal pain in the ass.

You can examine all of them to get little encyclopedia entries. Like so:

Aaaaand the rest...

It's a mask that glimmers divinely with gold. It's a little overpowering for a souvenir...
The Pharaoh is not the name of a single person, but a title equivalent to king in ancient Egypt. The word originated from the ancient Egyptian "pr-aa".
The Pharaoh would wear a headdress called a nemes when appearing in public. Though these were not exclusive to royalty, it's so recognizable that even Tutankhamun's famous gold mask wore one.

It has a drawing of a scene resembling an Egyptian wall carving. The surface feels rough and crisp.
Papyrus not only refers to the paper, but also to the long-lived plant species that it's derived from. The stem of the plant is cut and the fiber inside is woven into strips.
It's extremely long-lasting and difficult to tear, but making it is a time-consuming process, hence the high price tag.

It has the head of an elephant and the body of a human. It's small enough to be displayed on a shelf.
A Hindu god recognizable by his elephant head, his broken tusk, and his four arms. Ganesha's mantra is said to grant success, prosperity, and protection against adversity.

It's carved from stone and fits in the palm of your hand. You can feel a strange power coursing through you...
Pyramid is a general term for buildings made up of monoliths placed in a quadrangular pyramid shape with pathways and rooms arranged inside. The silhouette of an isosceles triangle is commonly associated with the three pyramids of Giza.

It's made of metal and surprisingly heavy. If you dropped it, you could hurt yourself.
The Sphinx is a mythical creature with the face of a human and the body of a lion. The largest and most famous example is the Great Sphinx of Giza that guards the pyramids.
At 241 feet long, 63 feet wide, and 66 feet high, it is the largest monolith (carved from a single rock) statue, and the oldest known monumental structure in the world. It's believed to have been built during the reign of Pharaoh Khafra, around 2500 BC.

A dreamy lamp made to be sold as a souvenir. You could probably use it as an aroma diffuser.
The shape is reminiscent of a watering can, but it's a functional lamp. Oil is poured into the top, and the nozzle is lit like a candle. Many different types of oils were used, such as olive oil, fish oil and other animal fats, and sometimes even whale blubber.

It's a beautiful porcelain tea set with a flower motif.
China, like Japan, has a traditional tea ceremony (chayi). However, the preparation and tasting methods as well as the occasions for which it's consumed are quite different.
This set not only includes a teapot (chahu) and teacups (chabei), but a special cup for infusing tea leaves called a Gaiwan, which is considered essential to Chinese tea brewing.

It's a large, single-edged curved blade. The steel carries a ripple pattern reminiscent of flowing water.
The Talwar is a curved sword popular in 16th century India. Made from Damascus or Wootz steel, it's flexible but resistant to shattering and can be honed to a sharp edge. Unfortunately, the smelting process required to make Damascus has since been lost to time, so the remaining ingots are of priceless value.

It's a big, soft giant panda plush. It feels nice to cuddle, so you can use it as a cushion.
In China, pandas are called Xiongmao, or "bearcat", but they are not related to either bears or cats. It got its name from the Red Panda, which was discovered long before Giant Pandas.

It's a gigantic wooden carving. Where are you going to put this thing?
Shiva, the god of destruction, is a deity of the highest order in Hinduism, and part of the Trimutri, or the Great Trinity, which personifies destruction, creation, and preservation.

It's incredibly soft to the touch... You could almost lie down and take a nap.
Pakistan was one of the first regions to adopt the art of weaving. It can be traced all the way back to the Mughal dynasty in the early 16th century, but may date as far back as the 11th century. Even today, the distinctive designs and high density of fibers makes these traditional rugs beloved worldwide.

We also have one very special souvenir that isn't upstairs.

F-Mega sucks. I will die on this hill.

VICTORY AT LAST

We went out of our way to get this back in Update 22.

Player's Manual:

This is a simple RPG wherein the Hero must collect the Dragon's Eyes in order to save the planet. Defeat enemies in battle to gain experience and level up. You can view your stats and use medicines by pressing the cancel key. Each time you start a new file, the position of items and obstacles on the map will change. You can stop the game using the Shift key. If you reach a game over, you must start from the beginning. You can also reset your save data voluntarily after starting the game.

Yeah so this is an entire little sub-game with NPCs and towns and all. Honestly absurd.

Defeating a monster increases your score while resting at an inn lowers it, which sucks because we can handle maybe one monster at the start of the game.

Fighting one (1) slime did this to us. Tedium!

Start over!!!

I don't particularly care for playing Dragon Question III, but experience you get in the game carries over to real life. It's a risk-free way to get a good 4-5 levels without even leaving the house.

The magic circles are spawners. Slimes will pour out of there indefinitely.

I spend probably a solid 15-20 minutes playing this, running directly into slimes like it's Ys or some shit and then running back to town to heal.

Alright enough of that. We're supposed to keep this NG+ brisk, I'm already doing a terrible job.

One fun quirk is that the UI styling stays either F-Mega or DQIII style until you leave your room. Cute.

Next time, we'll tackle some other NG+ additions and hopefully get this damn show on the road. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

48 - Dev Room

2025-11-14T18:11:43.649Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we beat the game! This time, we explore the post-game developer's room!

Everyone in this room has some shit to say. I'll probably cut one or two that are redundant or spoilery.

Steel:

Oh, that was never fully explained, was it? See, my Dan Penn's power is to preserve memories, much like a hard disk drive. That power can be used not only on living things, but on corpses... However, in order to write the memories of long-dead people, I would have to also know those memories, yes?
That's right. Like it did with mine, Dan Penn can read information buried deep within the souls of the dead, including those from their past lives... The previous loop. So in other words, when reading the memories of the dead, I also learned of the previous world (that of the original JoJo's manga).
Of course, since this world differed at points, there were things that even I couldn't predict...

Cascada: Kind of a stretch to get from that to "prerecorded message".

OH BABY TIME FOR SOME TEXT

Vins:

About the Slaves to Fate
The Slaves to Fate are a coalition of Stand users who are unhappy with the state of the world and use their powers for acts of terror. They planned to use their powers to get revenge on society... But their organizational skills were poor, and they didn't get all that much done.
Even so, in a world where nothing is certain, I deigned it best to eliminate all potential obstacles, so I infiltrated the group and started picking them off one-by-one. And by a fortune coincidence, some of the more moronic members among them clashed with your group, which saved me a good deal of trouble.

Vins:

How you got to the present day
After I donned the stone mask and became a vampire during a house fire, I was fortunately shielded form the sun by the building's rubble. Then, when I received news that my son... Weather... had been murdered by a white supremacy group, that profound despair awakened my Stand.
I changed my face with surgery and abandoned my old life, beginning work as a fortuneteller and occasionally feeding on the suicidal. Then, Made In Heaven ripped me from the world I knew and transported me here. It was then that I joined the Slaves to Fate and began my quest to investigate this new reality.

I just want to say, the "feeding on the suicidal" thing is such a bizarre detail. Is that supposed to like, make it okay or something? Am I supposed to find Vins more or less evil because of it??

Vins:

Origin of your Stand name
My Stand's name comes from the Finnish hard rock band, Hanoi Rocks. The reason it was chosen has to do with the Tower of Hanoi. The Tower of Hanoi is a puzzle involving a number of different sized disks with small holes in the center. These disks kind of resemble the spinning disk of a phenakistoscope.
It's a deceptively complex puzzle that can famously be solved using a recursive algorithm, or an answer devised from solutions to smaller instances of the same problem. As for "rocks"... It's a stretch, but it's pronounced similarly to "lock"... this recursive world of the phenakistoscope is the "key" to unlocking the puzzle of my son's death.

I thought I'd escaped the Tower of Hanoi once I stopped playing Bioware games, but we just can't win these days.

Vins:

More about your Stand power
As it was explained in the text, my power is to momentarily depart this world to observe the flow of time. I can use this to predict events yet to happen, but though I can preview destiny, I cannot change it... In that sense, it's nothing more than an inferior version of Thoth, really.
But to compensate, my Stand has a great deal of prowess in battle. It can take the power necessary to depart this world and blast it at foes. I'm sure I gave you a fair amount of trouble, yes? Also, it's hard to tell, but it's a centaur, just like Made In Heaven. In the image of an executioner, it wields a righteous blade of judgement in its hand.

I'm sorry Vins. You have never been a challenge any time I have played this game.

I could have gone to the ghost house at any point. I might show it off later.

I feel really stupid for not just doing this on my other file (where I have beaten it four times) and scoring another point on the board. I'm going to be switching to that one if I decide to showcase any more stuff.

Clayman:

"Acceleration of time"?
I know a lot of people here haven't yet finished all of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, so let me give a short, spoiler-free explanation. The "acceleration of time" is the power of a Stand that appears in the manga. This Stand speeds up time to fulfill the instructions written in "The Path to Heaven". It fast-forwards until the end of the universe is reached, and time begins anew, starting the process over again in a loop. This game's world is the result of one of those loops.
I can't say too much more without spoiling the original story, so please purchase JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Part 6: Stone Ocean at your earliest convenience!

I think that ship sailed a looong time ago ma'am.

Clayman:

I didn't understand Vins' story
Oh no, I knew it... 💧 It might take a while, but I can explain in more detail. But first... Have you read up to Part 7 of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure?

We're going to say "yes" here. It's been decades, the statute of spoiler limitations is over. Spoiler warning, obviously.

Clayman:

Oh, good! In that case, I can explain in a bit more detail. First, do you remember all of the Stands with power over time? If you use a DVD remote as an example... The World is like a pause button... Bites the Dust is like a rewind button... King Crimson is like a Chapter Skip button...
...And Made In Heaven is equivalent to Fast-Forward. However, Made In Heaven has another function... Auto-Repeat, or looping. Continuing the DVD player analogy, let's imagine the world like a movie on a TV screen to simplify things. Next, I'll explain Hanoi Rocks...

Unlike Thoth, these aren't predictions, but fated events that are scheduled to happen - destiny that is set in stone. Just like Man In The Mirror, which can create a mirror world, Hanoi Rocks allows the user to travel between the real world and the world of the observer... Nothing more, nothing less. Vins' problem is that Hanoi Rocks' power causes everything she watches to become true reality - nothing can be done to change the result once it's been observed.

But from Vins' side, the only thing visible is a distorted image caused by millions of worlds repeating so quickly that they appear to overlap on the display. Do you remember what I said a bit ago about the events Vins sees becoming true reality?

Vins is dropped off in this world, causing the fast-forward to finally stop, but this causes a paradox. This world was created as a result of the image Vins say during the accelerated time, so if she were to begin observing again while time flowed normally, it would cease to exist.
To prevent the end of the world, destiny arranges a replacement for Vins, rendering her bound to reality. But changing destiny is not altogether impossible. What Vins sees becomes true reality, but if she sees nothing, then nothing is truly set.

I think this is why I can't quite dislike the fanfic stuff in this game. It is absolutely the exact kind of Stand bullshit I could see coming out of the real manga. She had to make diagrams for cryin' out loud.

Clayman:

Can you play as other protags?
This is a new feature in version 2.0. Take a look at the vending machine to your right! Right now, only Josuke is available, but... I'd like to add more in the future, if I have time. Still the entire story has to be changed, so it might not be until a long while, if ever... 💧

The game files have multiple characters who don't appear - Koichi, Okuyasu, Jolyne, etc - who could be candidates for such a thing. But maybe it's best to not overextend.

Clayman:

Is there a happy ending?
Version 1.1 added a route where all of your friends survive. I won't tell you how to reach it, but I can give you some hints. If your total FP is over 50... You can enter a certain room. It's not exactly a happy end, though, so be forewarned...
There is a happy ending in version 1.5 and up, but the way to get it is definitely a secret! I'll only tell you that it can't be triggered on the first 2 playthroughs. Good luck finding it!

My original plan for the Let's Play was to end on the hidden ending, but I've been doing this for over 18 months and I'm tired. We'll see.

I'm going to truncate this one. Basically you can program in an enemy AI routine for your Stand and the game will generate a code. You can enter the code into the computer and have characters fight little auto-battles against each other.

Have at it.

Translating a weird fan project like this seems like a pretty thankless job. Good work.

Sign:

1 for quitting in the middle of the journey. 1 normal ending. 1 character ending for each route, 6 in total. 1 for failing the final battle. 2 special endings that trigger only under certain conditions. 3 Whole Party Lives endings. 1 happy Whole Party Lives ending. 2 Josuke endings. 1 for the Dio route. 1 for the Dark Side route.
Actually, the character endings have a lot of variations depending on your Stand, events you've finished, and bad karma... 54 in total.

I'm a serial completionist but I ain't doing that shit.

Sign:

12/15/2010: v1.0
1/14/2011: v1.1
1/28/2011: v1.2
3/15/2011: v1.5
3/25/2011: v1.6
4/6/2011: v1.7
5/3/2011: v1.72
7/6/2011: v1.75
7/18/2011: v1.8
3/16/2012: v2.0
5/7/2012: v2.1
6/28/2012: v2.2
1/6/2013: v2.3B
1/13/2013: v2.3
1/27/2013: v2.31
3/2/2013: v2.4
4/3/2013: v2.41
7/28/2013: v2.45
9/22/2014: v2.45E (First English version)
12/25/2014: Merry Christmas! 4 years after v1.0, v2.48 was released!

It's good to be reminded sometimes that these things don't emerge out of a vacuum. They take dedicated work and aren't just perfect out of the gate. And also, maybe some goon on a doomed social media website will make a Let's Play over ten years later!

Kakyoin: You can't run, and if you lose, it's game over, so make sure I'm not underleveled!
Abdul: If you [REDACTED], our friendship levels will grow. You don't [REDACTED], so I recommend it!
Jotaro: On my route, you can defeat Dio through events only, without fighting him at all. For an RPG, I wonder if that's okay...? But the difficulty's pretty high otherwise, so I guess people who can't clear it normally deserve a break... Sorry about that.
Joseph: My route's the secret to unlocking this game's hidden route! If I give too much away, it won't be a secret, but... The key is to help the people that are deeply connected to my journey.
Polnareff: On my route, you can fight Dio, but he's WAY strong! Stopping time... Throwing knives... Tag-teaming you with his Stand... If you're not at max level, you've got a snowball's chance in hell! But you can still see my ending even if you run away... So if you think you're done for, then there's no shame in doing that.
Iggy: (My endings all seem to have a comedic flavor... Why's that? Oh yeah, you can occasionally raise my friendship levels just by defeating enemies with me. Overdrives give the highest chance.)

Cascada: 'sup.

We completely skipped both of these. Alas.

Hol Horse: Hey, it's your old pal Hol Horse! My event with Boingo is finally finished! This probably doesn't count for much, but I never got to show my stuff against the Joestars in direct combat, so it was apparently pretty tough to implement me as a boss character.
D'arby Elder: I'm Daniel J. D'arby! As of version 1.5, I finally have my own event! Hm hm hm... My younger brother's event is nothing more than a battle and a pre-existing minigame, but I, D'arby, have a Phoenix Wright-style game that tests your reasoning skills to the limit! I think the degree of care put into it is quite evident... Hm hm hm...

Shout outs to the Updated Autopsy Report podcast, covering the Ace Attorney series and its many inspirations. Friends of the site.

Gallahad: Hello there. I'm Gallahad, a member of the Speedwagon Foundation. If you don't [REDACTED], I [REDACTED]. You would have seen me in Romancing SaGa for the Super Nintendo, but that never got a US release or even an English fan translation, so I guess that joke is kinda lost...

The PS2 remake - Minstrel Song - did come out westward, and it's on Steam now too.

Cascada: I mean alright, but not that much showed up...

I think we went too quickly through the game to see him any further in than we did.

Berlin:

How'd you get a Stand?
My Stand, Living Things, awakened after I set out to investigate the circumstances of Alicia's death. Its power is to overwrite the "data" of an organism's physical traits. This way, I can make clones of people... Sort of like Judgement, except that I use actual bodies, and also like Cinderella, except that it has no affect on that person's luck.
Anything that was attached to the body will reappear as a part of it... but this power is only skin deep, and doesn't affect the mind or soul. I can't raise the dead. That's why I combined my powers with Steel, who could grant the clone memories, and Alicia, who could supply it with life energy. Together, we could effectively revive people.
If Vins is thwarted and the timestream is returned to normal, then I die at Cape York. I imagine [REDACTED] went back to being corpses after the ending.

Berlin:

Are you in the manga?
In volume 59, on page 156... I'm the guy who died in 48 hours with a bunch of tomato-sized blisters! I have no name, though, so that's all original to the game.

Alicia:

You're not a Slave to Fate?
You seem to have misunderstood something a traveling manga artist said about me. (Actually, that was on purpose! The game maker wanted to mislead the player into thinking that.)

Alicia:

You're not an enemy?
No, I'm not an enemy. But I'm not really an ally per se, either... My aim was to use the 7th Stand User as a means of altering destiny. The will-o'-the-wisp Stands in the game are a part of my power, Element of Freedom. They act without regards to my own wishes.
Once my power has taken hold of a Stand, it gives them the power to create those automatic will-o'-the-wisps from their life energy. Of course, if they use it too much, they'll die prematurely... but it's up to them whether they want to use it or not. Meaning the ones that attacked you all belonged to your enemies.

Alicia:

What does your Stand do?
In the beginning, this body was that of an abandoned child... For all intents and purposes, a corpse. It's true that no Stand can bring the dead back to life, but it's not impossible to make their bodies move again. Take Justice or Limp Bizkit, for example.
You may ask, "why is it that Stands can't reverse death?"... The reason for that is, in short, the power of destiny... Fate has a set amount of life energy to distribute among living things. This energy of fate can't be increased or decreased... It's what humans refer to as a soul. Since there's only so many souls in the world, bringing the dead back is impossible.
To make the dead walk again, there has to be a surplus of souls. And this surplus has to be obtained from someone else's supply. My Stand can obtain this energy by granting their wish for a new power (my will-o'-the-wisp Stands) and absorbing their energy as they use it. That energy is given to me, and I use it to make this body function. It's like a deal with the devil... Power, in exchange for your soul...
[REDACTED] and [REDACTED] appear to have come back from the dead, but really, they're nothing more than clones reanimated using my supply of energy.

Alicia:

Just who are you exactly?
10 years ago... I was an infant, left for dead in a public bathroom and discovered by Mr. Steel. Before then, I was a researcher investigating the minerals of Cape York. As you'll read in JoJo volume 59, the crater there contained fragments of the material the Stand Arrow was made from, so I died in a grisly fashion similar to the 2 officers in the manga.
One of those men in the manga was Berlin, but in this parallel world created by Vins, I, his lover, died in his place. However, as my Stand power awakened the moment before my death... my power caused my spirit to possess the body of the infant Steel found, and I lived on that way, thus my child-like appearance.
After Mr. Steel died, he regained his memories of the past worlds thanks to Dan Penn, and Berlin and I started working with him to stand up to fate.

Is there anything more scare-quotes "anime" than ginning up a reason why a character looks like a little girl?

This is a hidden way to manipulate the day counter. If you want, you can be going up against Dio on like Day 2.

Aya's Cinderella Salon was spotted in Update 3, but it's only open after the first run. You also have to find an invitation letter hidden in the school lockers.

Way ahead of you, dude.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck F-Mega.

This is good half just to clean up your cluttered inventory and half to buy from the vending machines.

And to buy this, an item I think is kind of critical to enjoying replays of 7SU. I'll go over it later.

This is meant to be the out for how the player character can master the Ripple so easily.

Glad I managed to get this one. It's a particularly good showcase of 7SU's genuine affection for the source material.

We've done the full lap, so let's take a look at these vending machines.

Full Reset is what it sounds like. You only keep your Game Completion count and the key items from the other vending machines... which we're about to see.

Absolutely critical for replays. Even with the ability to skip cutscenes, you've got to mash through so much dialogue.

This instantly turns Jotaro into the best character in the game even if you never use the 200 SP Stop Time skill. His base stats skyrocket and Star Platinum's basic attack hits twice on top of increased crit chance and guaranteed first strike.

I believe the R Patch makes it so Josuke's good ending does allow you to enter the Dev Room (and consequently get NG+).

The machine sells a bunch of amazing pieces of equipment, along with every skill book and some other useful items.

Anyway, pretend I sold off everything and didn't just save edit my money to the cap.

The Chaotic Key introduces random variables that affect little things everywhere. I have it already on my other file with which we'll be moving forward. It's also one of the other things you keep in a Full Reset.

This is why Badges of Honor are so important. I didn't really go hugely out of my way to get any on this run, and we only have six; enough to NG+ and get either Star Platinum The World or King Crimson. Josuke's disc is right out. And if you somehow didn't keep a single one? You're just fucked. If you don't start NG+, then your "games cleared" counter won't increase either, since it's per save file rather than a global variable. And you only get to the Dev Room with endings where you fight Vins... that is, you need at least 30 FP.

If there's anything that I consider a major black mark on 7SU, it's this reliance on playing it over and over and over. I like to play different games!

Cascada: Sure, I guess I can let someone else have the spotlight for once.

As of me writing this post (a few weeks ahead of schedule), and assuming nothing goes wrong, I plan on doing a truncated second playthrough to show off some of the really major things we missed. Even if I don't, or if you stop reading here, I sincerely hope you enjoyed Cascada's Wild Ride, even moreso if you started reading back on Cohost.

Thank you for reading, and see you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

47 - ZA WARUDO, Part 5 - How It Really Happened

2025-11-07T17:27:38.511Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Jotaro got a chance to do his protagonist thing. This time, Cascada's going to show him how it's done. Let's rewind the clock to the end of Update 45.

Dio: Polnareff must be hiding somewhere... Hmph... Not that it matters. Jotaro... You're next...
Jotaro: Bastard...!
Dio: Oh... Coming closer, are we? You don't want to run...? Even after your grandfather tried so hard to warn you about The World's power... So desperate, like a student taking an exam with seconds left on the clock...
Jotaro: If I don't get closer, I can't beat the living shit out of you.
Dio: Well, now! In that case, get as close as you please!

Dio: !!
Cascada: WOAH OH, MOTHERFUCKER!

Dio: Hm... You... You ambushed me from behind? You have more guts than I thought.
Jotaro: The Machine!!
Cascada: Run, Jotaro! We can't win against him even if we both have him cornered!
Dio: You think I'll let him get away so easily?
Jotaro: There's no way I'm running from this, The Machine!
Cascada: Me neither! I have no idea why I said that!

On the whole here, you're probably better off aiming mainly at The World, since Jotaro's most effective at Short range. However, Cascada's biggest attacks are all multi-target, so it ends up not mattering.

Remember, OnFire does 3%+1 damage per turn.

There aren't any real gimmicks here; it's a slugfest. Dio and The World have 4000 HP apiece and he's got vampire regeneration. His knife attacks can inflict Bleed and The World's punches inflict BlowBack like Star Platinum's.

If you don't keep yourself above 400 HP or so, Dio is liable to stop time and just kill you outright with no recourse.

The status effects are already inflicted and Sun Laser costs a piddly 26 SP compared to Wave-Motion Gun's 100, so I start using it to save on turns spent chugging down curatives.

Losing my turn like this when trying to use the combo move suuuucks. Good thing the sync status stays until the combo actually gets used.

Cascada: HIT HIM WITH A ROCK JOTARO
Jotaro: ...give me a @#$% break...

Jotaro: Ugh...
Cascada: Why didn't you hit him with a rock like I said!?
Jotaro: Rocks are for throwing... I'm gonna punch him...
Cascada: No, look, you gotta smash him over the head, it's the only way!
Jotaro: What if I used Star Finger instead?
Cascada: OH MY GOD! Fine, give ME the rock, I'll have Quicksilver eat it...
Dio: This is checkmate for you, Jotaro!!
Cascada: Will you shut up for one goddamn second!?

Cascada: ...............oh
Jotaro: ...............Huh.

Jotaro: You mind getting off Gramps' body?
Cascada: Oh, oops.

Cascada: Yeah...
Joseph: Dio has taken so much... So many lives... So many people...
Jotaro: Too many to count... So many things we'll never get back...
Joseph: Yes... Far too many... So many important people... That which we've lost can't be compared to the safety of our planet... But... If not for them... If not for them, we wouldn't be here now...

Joseph: ...I'm going to get some breakfast and then sleep all day.
Jotaro: ...yeah. The Machine?
Cascada: You guys go ahead...

If you have over 30 total FP...

Hey, I finally remember.

Warning! Extremely goofy stuff coming up that expects you to know about other parts of JoJo!!

Alicia: !!
Berlin: ! You're... Vins!
Vins: Oh... So you know of me? Then you also know what I am, no doubt? Please hand that book over to me... If you don't... I'll turn you both into zombies.
Alicia: Berlin...

Vins: In return, I won't turn you into zombies... I'll let you die with dignity.
Berlin: What!?
Vins: Not too bright, are you?
Alicia: .........Just who are you?
Vins: ......Funny you ask... Well, I suppose I may as well tell you one interesting tidbit before I kill you.

Alicia: !?
Berlin: The stone mask!? Impossible! That was destroyed when Mr. Speedwagon was still in his youth!
Vins: The stone masks were created by the Pillarmen... by Cars. Many existed aside from the one that was destroyed. Perhaps it was coincidence, or perhaps it was Fate's whimsy... But there was one buried beneath the floorboards of my very home.

In the manga this is straight up the KKK. The anime makes them merely an angry white mob.

Berlin: ...? "Locked up"? But didn't you just say he was dead?
Vins: Strictly speaking, he is alive... But his mind was ripped from him and his soul died soon after. Weather Report is not my son... The son I knew... Wes... He died 17 years ago.

Vins: It's a long story... This whole time, I've been "observing" destiny. That's Hanoi Rocks' true power... To observe the course of fate... From this world, to the next, to the one afterwards... I can watch the far past and future just like a film reel...
Vins: A long time ago, I scraped by as a fortuneteller, devouring the suicidal to live. Then one day, when using my Stand, I was torn from the world I knew in an instant... Time began to accelerate. What I saw... Was time getting faster and faster, revolving, eventually blending into one world, like the picture in a phenakistoscope...
Alicia: Then... this world...!
Berlin: You're the one who created it!?
Vins: Even I never expected this to happen. I don't understand the cause, but... Even "he" was rendered unable to stop it. At first, I was furious, lost... But I soon understood this was my chance for a new life. To return to that day. To take back my Wes.

Vins: Destiny has been changed thanks to them! I have to make things right... I have to let Jotaro see the book, then kill that Stand user!
Cascada: Huh, so that's it... I think I'm beginning to understand what this is all about.

Art once again by the amazing RoseNonsense.

Cascada: I'll wrap up all of this right here!
Vins: You...!! Who do you think you are!? Your precious friends aren't with you now... And no sunlight will ever reach this place! You thought you could beat me!? A vampire!?
Cascada: Bitch, I've beaten you twice already AND you can't even stop time. I'm more surprised YOU think you could take ME.
Vins: This is the final battle! I'll finish you here and now!
Alicia: Cascada!

And here it is, the True Final Boss. Depending on the Stand you're using, this ranges from a cakewalk to quite difficult. Take a wild guess where Quicksilver is on the scale.

Vins: Stop... moving!!
Cascada: I don't know how you expected this to go any differently.

Because you might have to do this fight with a pure support Stand, Vins is weak to several debilitating status effects. A single Wave-Motion Gun shuts her down completely.

Vins: I'll simply use my vampire abilities to regenerate...
Cascada: You really never paid attention to what my Stand can do, this whole time? This is the FIRST thing I learned...

Alicia: It's disappearing!
Cascada: Hey by the way who are you and how do you know my name!?
Berlin: We're going back to our original time! Now you won't be the one to die at Cape York... Alicia! Live on! I'll always be watching you!
Alicia: Berlin!!

Steel: That's my cue... This is goodbye for me as well... Thank you... Cascada... When we go back, we won't retain any memories of what happened in this world, but... my feelings for you... will be etched into my soul...
Cascada: Steel...
Steel: You always were a bit of a little shit... Haha...
Cascada: Heh... well, fuck you too.
Steel: When I disappear... This world's timeline will also return to normal... Even I don't know what will happen, but I'll say this...

Cascada: ...Longest three weeks of my life...

Polnareff: I am... well aware of what happened to my sister, Mr. Joestar.
Joseph: Err... sorry...
Polnareff: .........Mr. Joestar. Regardless of where my family is, France is still my homeland... I have many fond memories there that I'd like to relive... No matter where life takes me, I'm bound to return there eventually. It's home. But if you need anything, give me a call. Wherever I am in the world, I'll come running.
Joseph: ...It's gonna be lonely.
All: ...............
Cascada: Don't you have a wife?
Joseph: I didn't crash my own funeral during the War to take lip from you, kid.
Cascada: You'll have to tell me the whole story sometime.
Polnareff: We had some trying times... But it's been fun. Since I was with you... it was a great adventure.
Joseph: Yeah... It's been fun... I really mean it...

Cascada: You too, Polnareff! Try to look sharp the next time I see you!
Joseph: We'll meet again. Even if you're sick of me by then! ...Idiot!
Jotaro: I don't think I could forget someone as... er, unique as you even if I wanted to. ...Take care.
Polnareff: .........Bye, you guys!

Aaaaaaand...

Credits! For real this time!

Main scenario: not as bad as it could have been! I think the staggering granularity of interactions is the real draw.

This game, Final Profit, and Scarmonde have convinced me more than anything that maybe I could do something in RPG Maker.

Remember, the original versions of this game are monochrome like the credits here. Making readable tilesets under that restriction seems tough as hell.

There are a ton of one-off unique sprites, plus the eight different sets for players. Always fun to see.

One of my big regrets for this Let's Play is not going to the work of sorting and placing music links like they used to do in the old days. But, if I had, I guarantee I would not have gotten this far.

Solid work on the English translation. There are multiple sources to compare against for the "main" dialogue, but the huge amount of original text is not to be underestimated.

oh thanks haha

Time for the epilogue. We got all that FP with Jotaro after all.

Cascada: Because you haven't. That mess in the nurse's office was the first time I'd seen you in months.
Jotaro: Nah. That means the counter reset. We haven't been to school in the same amount of time.

Cascada: But now that I think of it, we've missed a LOT of classes... I wonder what's gonna happen to us...
Jotaro: ...Seems like a strange thing to worry about after what we went through.
Cascada: Hahaha... I guess so.

Jotaro: ...............
Cascada: Can you at least try not to look like you're about to kill somebody? 💧
Schoolgirl B: Huh? Cascada? What are you doing with Jojo?
Schoolgirl C: Yeah, yeah! Jojo doesn't let anybody walk to school with him!
Cascada: I'd like to see him stop me.
Jotaro: ...............
Cascada: Uh... Well...
Jotaro: It was me.
Cascada: Huh?
Schoolgirl A: What?

If you're playing as a male character, the scene is pretty much exactly the same except this line, where Jotaro instead says, "We're buddies."

Jotaro: Home. Where else? I already finished the quiz.
Cascada: Y-you're already done!?
Jotaro: I can write WAY faster with Star Platinum.
Cascada: ...H-hey... Can I see your answers?
Jotaro: You wanna cheat? Sure.
Cascada: W-when you put it THAT way...! 💧 ...Darn! Fine, I'll keep at it...

Some might say that the true 7th Stand User starts here. We'll find out how I feel about that next time. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

46 - ZA WARUDO, Part 4 - Mudah.SFW

2026-03-15T17:00:02.311Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we discovered the secret of Dio's Stand at the cost of everyone in the party except Jotaro. This time, it's the final showdown.

Dio: Enough... My curiosity is satisfied... Playtime is over. Jotaro! I'll finish you with one blow.
Jotaro: Rrrraaaaauuugggghhh!!
Dio: After the incident 100 years ago, I swore to see to it personally that none with Joestar blood be left alive... The World's true power shall make it so! The World! Time stop!

Dio: What!? Wh... Whaaat!? I swear... His finger just moved! Don't tell me...! His finger just moved! I-impossible... It can't be! "The same type... of Stand..."
Dio: The same kind of Stand! My The World... His Star Platinum... They're the same kind of Stand!
Jotaro: (twitch! twitch!)
Dio: !! Bastard... Can he see!? Or is he moving his finger without knowing it!?

Dio: ...............
Jotaro: .................
Dio: ...Were you... watching?
Jotaro: .................
Dio: I asked if you were watching!! Answer me, Jotaro!
Jotaro: I'm not into that kind of stuff...
Dio: JOTAROOO
Jotaro: ...Come again, Dio? ...I haven't a single clue what you mean.
Dio: Rnngh...

Jotaro leaps into the air, pursued by Dio.

Jotaro: (twitch! twitch!)
Dio: ...............
Jotaro: (twitch! twitch!)
Dio: .........Hmhmhmhm... Hmhmhmhmhahahahahahahaha... Bwahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!

Dio: Whaaaaaaaaat!? He... he really can... move! ...It was just for an instant... but he moved! The magnets... were just... a red herring... Just for show... He wanted to lure my in closer! ...Rnngghhhhhhh! This boy!... This Joestar child... He's wormed his way into my World...!!

Jotaro: Luckily, I was able to use the magnet trick to get you in close enough for a punch... But it seems like unless I bash your brains in, it won't do much damage...

Dio: You followed me with your eyes... All while time was stopped... It seems you can see my actions very clearly... Jotaro...
Jotaro: ............All thanks to you.
Dio: ...Seems you owe that Kakyoin one... He was the one to figure out my World's secret... And once you realized how it works, you infiltrated my World completely...

Dio: That's why I, Dio, have been thinking... Just how long can you move in stopped time? Is it 2 seconds? 3?
Jotaro: ...............
Dio: Perhaps you really can move for 5 seconds just like me, and are just pretending you can't... Hm hm... Well? Am I getting warmer?
Jotaro: ............(This is bad... I can probably move longer the more practice I get, but now... I can only do it for a blink... If he finds out, I'm screwed... Give me a break. I've gotta drag this out somehow...)
Dio: Haha! Of course you don't want to tell me! Don't get me wrong... I still don't think you can move for more than an instant.
Jotaro: ...............
Dio: ...But... It's not completely out of the question for someone able to move in stopped time, so let's just say you can. Though I still have the advantage, I'd be better off not getting close...
Jotaro: ...............
Dio: Which is why... I've thought of a way to stay outside your reach AND gauge how long you can move, Jotaro!

This is apparently considered the hardest version of the boss, and if you try to fight then you can't choose to escape later. We're going to run and let things play out.

If stopping time is Dio's No.1 most iconic attack, throwing a hundred knives would be No.3. We'll see No.2 later.

Only one batch is knocked away before Jotaro grinds to a halt.

It's really nice when the game occasionally decides to do my job for me.

I think this line is incredibly funny, because Dio seems like a person whose very first traffic jam was like, fifteen minutes ago, and now he's trying to sound profound.

Jotaro: God, he threw a lot of these things... My favorite uniform is in shreds, damnit... Thankfully, I stuffed my shirt and hat full of magazines after he broke into the store, just in case... But I didn't think... He'd throw such a torrent of them... 3 in my arms... 1 in my leg... And they all made fairly deep gashes...
Jotaro: He thinks I'm finished, though, so there's nothing else for it... I'll play dead and wait for my chance. It's my best option. If he pulls something like that again... I don't think... I'll be able to weather it... If I don't find a way to smash his head... He won't die.

Dio: I'll sever his neck with this! Say your prayers, Jotaro!

Polnareff in with the headshot!!

Jotaro: (Polnareff...!)
Dio: Now isn't that a shame... Polnareff. When you ambushed me... I was thinking... Just a tiny bit more... If you had just put the tiniest bit more power into that kick, you would've churned up my brains...
Polnareff: But... but I... Damn it... You son of a...

Not sure where they got "kick" out of this, since it's pretty obvious everywhere that he uses Silver Chariot's sword to stab Dio.

Jotaro: (You've gotta be kidding me... At this rate, he's gonna kill Polnareff, too... If I'd just played dead and waiting for my chance to attack, things would've been fine, but this... Give me a @#$% break!)
Jotaro: (Looks like I'll have to do something reckless... It'd be easy enough to save Polnareff's neck... I could just stand up, wave my arms around, and yell "Hey, Dio... I'm still alive. You won't get away with this!"...He'd just smirk, turn around, and come after me with a bloodthirsty grin... but there's no way he'd be dumb enough to get within my Star Platinum's range.)
Jotaro: (What would The Machine do...?)
Imagined Cascada: HIT HIM WITH A ROCK JOJO
Jotaro: (If he knows I'm conscious, he'll stop time with The World and use his knife attack again... And if that happens, I'm as good as dead. There's only one way to get close to him, and that's to keep him from finding out I'm still kicking! Ugh... when time was stopped, I was giving it my all just to move a finger... Now I'm trying my damndest to stay still! Talk about ironic...)

Stopped clock right twice a day, et cetera.

Dio: Shoot at that guy lying over there. Doesn't matter where... I just need to make sure he's dead.
Policeman: G-guhh....
Dio: Come on! Don't forget to aim.

Dio: ...............I could swear I heard him make a noise... Perhaps I just imagined it?
Jotaro: (The hell does he think he's doing!? I managed to stop the bullet with Star Platinum... But now I've got his full attention... He's suspicious... He's coming to check... This is where... things start getting dicey...)
Dio: His breathing...
Jotaro: ...............
Dio: ...............Nope, can't hear it. He isn't breathing at all... Then... his heartbeat...

Dio: ...............
Jotaro: (Nghk... ngh... This... this seriously hurts............... I... I can't do this... I'm seriously going to... to pass out... ...This is no joke... I'm... I'm really going to be killed by my own Stand...)
Dio: ...............His heart has stopped... He's well and truly dead. I really must've been hearing things. ...But I'll chop his head off anyway. Better safe than sorry, eh, Jotaro?

I cannot fucking believe how many pregnant pauses are in the dialogue at this point.

Remember how everyone's basic resuscitation skill is "Cardiac Massage"? Jotaro actually gets an improved version called "Revive" that restores with 50% HP as a reference to this scene.

Jotaro: Finally... -pant- -pant- That was close... Too close... But I finally did it... I got him... But stopping my own heart... I never thought it would come to that...
Jotaro: No time to get comfortable... Dio's a monster who was buried on the seafloor for 100 years... I'd be surprised if this was all it took to finish him off...
Dio: You...'re... de...ad...
Jotaro: ...............

Dio: How... This is... impossible! My legs... They're... powerless... I can't stand up!
Jotaro: ...............
Dio: My head is killing me... I-I think I'm gonna puke...! U-urgh... How could this be!? Why do I, Dio, feel so horribly ill!? Is it because... that Jotaro damaged my head so considerably!?

Something I really appreciate about how Araki writes villains is that they often struggle and freak out just like the protagonists do. It helps create a solid back-and-forth in the longer battles.

Jotaro: But I get the feeling The Machine would want me to do it the FUN way...
Dio: R-rgh!
Jotaro: I almost feel a tinge of guilt kicking you when you're down like this... Nah, on second though, I don't. Because of you, my friends, along with hundreds of innocents, have lost their lives...
Dio: ..................Mmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm... Hmhmhahahaha... Ahahahahahahahahaha... Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! The World!

Nice detail to include the little knife sprite.

Dio: You've lost to my knowledge of the city! Do you remember this street!? Or do they all look the same to you tourists!?
Jotaro: ...............! N... no... You aren't...!

Joseph: ...Nn...
Jotaro: ...Damn... you... Dio!!
Joseph: ...you... kids...
Dio: Mmmmmmmm, that hits the spot! As expected, Joseph's blood is a perfect fit! It suits my body well! Not only have I completely recovered... I'm more powerful than ever! Mwahahahaha...

Joseph: Jo... taro... It doesn't matter what Dio does to my body now... Whatever you do, don't let him make you lose your head... Forget about me... I did what I had to do. Kakyoin solved the mystery of Dio's Stand... And I relayed his final message to you... The Machine sacrificed herself to protect you...
Cascada: ...that's bullshit, old timer...
Joseph: ...I didn't trick an ancient superbeing... into causing a volcanic eruption... blasting him into deep space... during the War... to take lip from you... kid...
Cascada: ...whatever...
Joseph: We all did what was necessary... We all fought Dio together... And we all paid the ultimate price...
Jotaro: Am I... seeing... Gramps' soul...?
Joseph: You can move a little while in his time stop, can't you? Those 2 to 3 seconds... use them wisely. No matter what Dio does, keep your cool... If you lose your temper and rush in head first, things won't end well...

Jotaro: !! You... dirty son of a...!
Dio: Freshly squeezed! Mhahahaha!
Jotaro: Gramps... I know you said to stay calm... But... That's not gonna happen! No one could stay calm after seeing this!

Both of them leap into the air!

If you want to "actually" defeat Dio in the battle system, this is your last shot. He's a combined unit with The World now rather than two separate enemies, so he's got fewer turns. To reflect Jotaro's ability to move in the frozen time, this version of Dio also doesn't use Time Stop.

He's not terribly hard, but we might as well see the manga's version of events through properly.

It's a nice touch from Araki that despite Dio's grandstanding he consistently loses the straight 1-on-1 punch-outs, even after powering up.

Jotaro: (Gramps... You were right... My anger has made this situation ugly... But... It's not because I'm too angry... It's because I'm not angry enough!)
Dio: 8 seconds! Mmm... ♪ I feel sublimely refreshed! I could just break out into song! Mmhmhmhmhahaha! I've lived an immortal existence for over 100 years... And this is the first time I've felt so spectacular! Hee hee hee hee! It's all thanks to the blood of a Joestart! I'm on top of the world! Hahahahaha!!
Jotaro: ...............!!
Dio: 9 seconds have passed! I stopped it for 9 seconds! But it looks like 9 seconds is my limit for now...
Jotaro: (This... goddamn son of a...)
Dio: WRYYAAAAA!

This is meant to be the Qasr el Nil Bridge, for what it's worth.

Dio: Hm hm hm... 1 second! 2 seconds!
Jotaro: (I don't know why, but... After stopping time, he vanished from sight...)
Narration: ...But Jotaro ceased wondering. Whatever Dio was planning, Jotaro knew he had 2 seconds to attack...
Jotaro: (I've only got those 2 seconds to smash his face in with Star Platinum!)
Dio: 5 seconds!
Jotaro: (One thing's for sure, Dio... The second I see your ugly mug again... I won't be able to control myself anymore.)
Dio: 6 seconds!
Jotaro: (Come and... get it... Dio...)
Dio: 7 seconds!
Jotaro: !!

What else to say about the road roller other than that it's yet another infamous moment? It's usually Dio's ultimate attack in fighting games and has been an internet meme for decades, most notably in the form of the "mudah.swf" Flash animation.

Arguably the 93 OVA's biggest misstep is swapping out the road roller for an oil tanker to get a big explosion. It really just isn't the same.

Dio: !! Wh-whaaaaaaaaaat!?
Jotaro: The one who stopped time was me... I did it once yours was at 9 seconds... That's how I got away...
Dio: J...! Jotaro! T-this can't be!
Jotaro: How's it feel, Dio? Not being able to turn and face an enemy that's breathing down your neck... You look like someone treading water who's just about to come up for air... when, bam, your foot gets caught and you're dragged back under... So? How is it?
Dio: ...............
Jotaro: But... I don't feel sorry for you. At all.
Dio: Nnrgghgh!!
Jotaro: Time has resumed.

In both the 90s Capcom fighter and the more recent All-Star Battle, if Dio (or Jotaro) uses their time stop move, the other can also input the move to start moving in the stopped time. I've always thought this was cool as hell.

Jotaro: Nngh!
Dio: How's that!? You're blinded! I've won! Diiie!
Jotaro: ORA!!

Dio: How... How could this be!? How could I, Dio... How could I, Dioooo...!!
Jotaro: As soon as morning comes, you'll be dust... There's a reason for your failure, Dio... One very simple cause...

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

45 - ZA WARUDO, Part 3 - Clockstoppers

2025-10-24T17:21:50.276Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Dio was destroyed by the power of one (1) American senator. This time, we wind back the clock and perhaps finally learn the secret of Dio's Stand. I'm also going to be taking a page out of the DavidPro anime's version and shuffle a couple scenes around.

Dio: Faster.
Senator Wilson Phillips: Yes siiiirrrrr!!

Unfortunately Senator Wilson Philips has the normal amount of cowardice of a US Senator in this timeline.

Dio: There they are... Speed up. Get closer... I can't use The World at this range...

Joseph: In... incredible...
Kakyoin: He deflected my Emerald Splash with one finger... Without even moving out of his seat...!!
Cascada: How about I take a shot?
Kakyoin: He's got an innocent bystander driving the car...
Cascada: i fuckin hate being the good guy sometimes

Kakyoin: I narrowed my aim this time, but I still couldn't hit him! D... damn it!
Cascada: Seriously, just let me blast his ass!

Dio: Tch... Too far away... I knocked him right out of The World's range...
Senator Wilson Phillips: Aaaaugh! W... what's happening!?
Dio: What makes you think I've any interest in explaining to the likes of you? Keep your eyes on the road.
Dio: ............Hmph. Pointless...

Kakyoin: S... sorry... I-I just... (I still remember what he said to me many months ago...)
Flashback Dio: Is there any need to be so scared that you puke? Relax, Kakyoin... It's all right...
Kakyoin: (......Damn it all! Not again! I won't lose to him... Not again...!!)
Joseph: Kakyoin... You're bleeding... Are you okay? Did you see The World!?
Kakyoin: Yes... He attacked me from 30 feet away... Any closer and I would've been done for. But Mr. Joestar! There's no doubt about it now! His Stand is a close-range type! It's a lot like Star Platinum...... Yet I think it hides even more terrifying abilities than that! But I know two things now...

Cascada: Okay, so, I can start blasting? I've never told you guys this, but I can even take off my Stand and shoot remotely. We can set up a trap or something.
Joseph: ...We have to go about this carefully... There's no such thing as too prepared when it's him we're dealing with...

I briefly thought this was an error in using the wrong portrait, but his sprite changes too. I checked the manga and Kakyoin does in fact dramatically remove his glasses at this point.

Dio: Tch! I took a shot to the back... !! This... is...

The entire sequence has the web flicking in and out of visibility. It's a pretty neat effect.

Dio: It's time for you to learn... The true power of The World... The power to reign over the planet!
Dio: THE WORLD!!

Cascada: Kakyoin!?
Joseph: ...Im... impossible! One minute he had him... and now he's been flung backwards! How!? Kakyoin!
Kakyoin: (What... happened...? ...Did he get me...? I... I can't move...)

Kakyoin: (Not painstakingly, one step at a time... But all at once, in one ten-thousandth of a second... How did he cross 60 feet so quickly? Less than an instant... In no time at all... !!)
Kakyoin: (I... I understand... now... I... I have to tell them! The harrowing truth about Dio's powers...! I have to let Mr. Joestar know somehow or... they'll all die...)

Joseph: !!
Dio: It's only fitting that the blood to perfectly assimilate Jonathan's body with mine would be Joestar blood... Don't you think?
Joseph: Dio!!
Dio: I predict that you'll be sucked dry by me, Dio... As will that girl over there!

Kakyoin: My... my final... Emerald Splash...
Dio: Emerald Splash... Is that it? What a pointless strike... He probably lost control in his death throes and let loose one last hurrah... Hmph.
Joseph: (Pointless? That can't be...! Kakyoin isn't the type to do something without good reason in times like these! Why... Why did he shoot in that direction? ...There has to be some deeper meaning... He wanted to tell us something, I know it!)
Kakyoin: (It's... a mes...sage... This is... all I can do... Mr. Joe... star... Receive it... Decipher it... Please... ...The Machine... Everyone...)
Kakyoin: BARF!
Cascada: Ka...
Joseph: Kakyo...in...

Joseph: I know there's some important meaning! Kakyoin! Why did you strike the clock!? What were you trying to say! Why did you use your Emerald Splash!? Why did you break the clock!? What does it all mean!?
Cascada: Kakyoin... Did you unlock The World's secret!?
Joseph: !! That must be it! He meant to break the clock... He broke the clock... Stopped the clock... Stopped the clock...?
Cascada: !!
Joseph: No... It can't be! That's it! That's Dio's Stand power! The power to stop time!

Joseph: I... I get it, Kakyoin! The message you gave your life to tell us... It came through loud and clear!
Cascada: Kakyoin... Dio can stop time? A Stand that can act while time is stopped!? ...! That's... that's too powerful! It's just unfair!!

This is such a well-known reveal at this point that I assume anyone reading this Let's Play already knows. "ZA WARUDO" was an internet meme for years before JoJo really got popular westward. And as far as "we are so fucked" villain power level reveals go, it's got to be near the top of the list.

Here we've fully caught up to the end of Update 43.

Dio: ............Clever, Joseph... Channeling the Ripple to protect yourself... Wrapping Hermit Purple around your body like a high-voltage electric fence... ...You cheating old bastard.
Joseph: ...I could say the same to you. ...Knowing I was using the Ripple, you restrained yourself... Tricky son of a gun... ...But I do know one thing about your Stand now...

Dio: ............So you figured out The World's ability? Hmph... Suppose I should give you some credit.
Joseph: Kakyoin was the one who figured it out! Don't act as if his death was in vain!
Dio: And? What difference does it make? Your feeble Ripple won't save you!

Joseph: Guh! U... urrrgh...
Cascada: Mr. Joestar!!
Dio: Hm... He fell, did he?
Cascada: !!
Dio: Girl. I may as well kill you now, but... I hope you don't mind if I partake in Joseph's blood first.
Cascada: ...Fuck y-

Cascada: HEY I WASN'T DONE ASSHOLE
Joseph: !! Jo... Jotaro!! Stay back! Don't come over here!
Dio: Jotaro... Just who I wanted to see... But he's still out of my range... I'll take care of Joseph first...

Dio: But... As my neck wound began to heal... That time eventually grew to 2, and then 3 seconds... And now, I can stop it as long as 5... Well, it seems strange to describe it as seconds, seeing as time is stopped... But 5 seconds nonetheless... Hm hm. Soon, it'll be 1 minute... 10 minutes... an hour! And someday, even longer than that...
Dio: Whoops, careful there... Joseph was protecting his body using the Ripple. The Ripple may have been a thorn in my side 100 years ago, but it's powerless before The World.

Jotaro: !!!
Dio: Jotaro... Next on the menu is you!
Jotaro: ...Dio... You son of a bitch...!!
Joseph: Ugh... ah... ahhh.... R... run... away... Jo... taro... Don't... let him... get close... Keep... your... distance... Stay away... Stay far away... He's... in...vincible...
Jotaro: Shut up, Gramps! I'll be right there!
Joseph: I didn't... get... my hand... cut off... during... the... War... to take... lip... from...

Dio: In case you were wondering... Kakyoin is already dead. The girl that came with him is on the rooftop now shaking in her boots... What a pitiful friend you've brought along. Polnareff must be hiding somewhere... Hmph... Not that it matters. Jotaro... You're next...
Jotaro: Bastard...!

Dio: Hm... You... You ambushed me from behind? You have more guts than I thought.
Jotaro: The Machine!!
Cascada: Run, Jotaro! We can't win against him even if we both have him cornered!
Jotaro: Who are you and what have you done with The Machine!?
Dio: You think I'll let him get away so easily?

Okay, so, Jotaro's FP route is basically easy mode, in that (as far as I know) it's the only one where you can run from every fight and watch the cutscenes lifted straight from the manga. The downside is that this specific fight right here is the only time your player character gets to participate.

Obviously Cascada ain't gonna lay down and roll over. But I also think the Dio battle is an all-timer battle shonen showdown, so we're going to do it both ways.

Dio can use The World to take an additional free turn, sometimes two. It's a pain in the ass.

Wellp.

And that's Cascada's final true spoken line for this update and the next. Alas.

Jotaro: Your Stand is just like mine... Their incredible speed and power comes at the cost of range.
Dio: I've been waiting to see how your Stand stacks up to The World... Though now, I see it was foolish to even compare the two...
Jotaro: The hell are you talking about? I'm not even hurt. All you did was pat my leg. But you did rip my $200 pants...
Dio: Oh, must all the Joestars be such sore losers? Hmph! Fine. I'll humor your taunt just once... Let's trade blows again.

We'll leave off on this exciting cliffhanger! See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

44 - ZA WARUDO, Part 2 - Played College Ball, Ya Know

2025-10-17T17:42:55.063Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we finally met Dio face-to-face, immediately ran away, and immediately started running back. This time, we're going to keep running away.

Jotaro and Polnareff go off on their own, while Cascada sticks with Joseph and Kakyoin.

The Egyptian pound was actually worth a bit more than the US dollar in early 1989; $1 would net you about 89-90 piastre. However, we've seen Joseph throwing around British pounds so far, which would've exchanged at £1 to about E£1.58. A big ol' wad of £50 notes (only Scotland and Ireland use £100 notes), so say, £5000-ish, could totally cover the cost of an old truck at the time.

I researched this for a solid 30 minutes or so but turns out it's hard to find Egyptian car prices in the 1980s on short notice!

Dio was born in the late 1860s, making this... pretty much true! Prototypes existed, but "proper" automobiles were still in development. There might have been a few steam-powered oddities.

Dio sits in the backseat right next to this guy.

Dio: Shut up, hop in the front seat, and start driving...
Senator Wilson Phillips: Gweaaaauuuggh!? Owwiiiieee! Who... who the hell do you think you are!? You think I'm gonna let you get away with this!?

I don't know what a US senator would be doing in Cairo in 1989. What I do know is that in the 1993 OVA he was voiced by Charles Martinet, the long-time (now former) voice of Super Mario and also Dracula that one time.

More official translations have him say he "pays 50 times more taxes than the average Joe" which I suppose would already make him one of the less crooked politicians. Meanwhile, 1000 acres is about 1.56 square miles or ~2000 square meters.

Dio: (Filthy Yanks never change...)
Senator Wilson Phillips: Nnngyaaaaaaaaa!! (W... what's this kid's deal!? I'm gonna die! If I don't make a break for it, I'm gonna diiiiiie!)

Fun fact: Satoshi Kon's handling of this scene in the 1993 OVA caught legendary anime producer Masao Maruyama's eye and nailed him the job directing Perfect Blue. I'm serious.

Dio: Follow that truck. If you don't catch up to it, I'll kill you.
Senator Wilson Phillips: Y-yessir!! (Why am I still inside!? Whyyy!? I-I get it! It's 'cause I'm a senator! There's nothing a senator can't do! Wahahaha!)

Meanwhile...

Joseph: He's chasing after us! I know it!
Kakyoin: Does Dio know exactly where you are?
Joseph: No... he may have the body of my grandfather, Jonathan Joestar... Strange as it may sound, that body is broadcasting his presence... I can tell that he's close, but that's it... I could tell Dio was in Cairo, but I couldn't figure out where he was hiding out... It's the same principle...
Kakyoin: ......
Joseph: He can sense us... Rather, he can sense that a Joestar is nearby. He can't distinguish me from Jotaro. He probably hasn't even realized we split up yet...
Cascada: Are you sure about any of that or just guessing?
Joseph: I didn't get attacked by piranhas and an octopus while flying a biplane during the War to take lip from you, kid.
Kakyoin: ?? How??
Cascada: Then if Jotaro ambushed him, we could throw him off his game, maybe...
Joseph: We can only hope so...
Kakyoin: I'm going to need an explanation...
Joseph: No time! Dio's right behind us!!

Okay, so, Wilson Phillips spends enough time in Cairo that he's familiar with its rush hour? What is he doing here??

Senator Wilson Phillips: You... you say, "go", but it's impossible...
Dio: The sidewalk's pretty roomy, isn't it? Now go.
Senator Wilson Phillips: T-the sidewalk!? But it's full of people coming home from work!

We've established Senator Wilson Phillips is one of the less crooked politicians. Would he mow down a crowd of Arabs just because an elderly Brit told him to?

Senator Wilson Phillips: ......I... I-I-I... I refuse!
Dio: ......What?

I... I guess he has dual citizenship with Egypt? He couldn't join Egypt's parliament but you can still become a USA senator as long as you've lived in there for nine years. And if he's aiming for president that means he was born in the USA. I'm amazed this dude got elected at the same time as George Bush.

You can only get this joke fight if you have over 40 cumulative FP with the party. Holy shit look at that SP total though, goddamn. Wilson Phillips has some mental fortitude.

Rather than "Stand", he has a "Tactics" menu.

Push It To The Limit is a move that almost every character (Quicksilver doesn't, for example) learns at level 50. It's a powerful buff to every stat.

The only path to victory is to use Push It To the Limit until everything is maxed out, and then possibly use Cheat Engine to lock your HP because you still can just get hit too hard and die even with boosted Durability.

The "Shout Name" ability is obviously unique to Senator Wilson Phillips.

Your only other release valve is that Dio is susceptible to a few status effects that make him lose his turn or that cause percentage damage over time.

It ain't easy, but we need to teach this self-important shit a lesson.

If you get frozen in ice and then Dio uses his Stand's special ability to breathe fire, it's a one-hit KO.

Wilson does magically get access to Cascada's inventory, so might as well make use of it. I probably should have used the nuke, but that's hindsight for ya.

If you somehow survive 100 turns, a special event occurs...

Not that.

This is the battle cry for Jonathan Joestar's signature attack, the Sunlight Yellow Overdrive.

Senator Wilson Phillips: Don't fuck with this senator!

Steel: Cascada and the rest of the team never learned the truth. Deeming the investigation of Dio's sudden disappearance as "sounds boring", they enjoyed their remaining vacation in Cairo before living the rest of their lives in peace.

Writing assignment:
State of the world in 2025 if Wilson Phillips got elected to the US presidency in 1988, preventing the Gulf War.

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

43 - ZA WARUDO, Part 1 - Mixed Metaphors

2025-10-10T15:14:40.443Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time we beat the shit out of a hardcore gamer, as deserved. This time, we begin the final battle with Dio... probably.

We would have battled Vanilla Ice if we'd gone with Polnareff, Abdul, and Iggy. Kenny G's sole appearance in the manga is getting owned by Iggy in a single page; his Stand Tenore Sax produced the island illusion in D'arby's room.

"Nukesaku" is apparently Japanese slang for an idiot or dimwit or what have you. I tried to find more specific information about its etymology but sometimes a one-off tangent just isn't worth it.

Jotaro: ............
Kakyoin: Or perhaps... it's the other way around...
Cascada: ......(I should have leveled up Iggy more...)
Kakyoin: !! Stop!! There's someone just ahead of us.

Joseph: It's a girl...
Girl: Eek! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!! P-please spare me! Don't suck my blood! Pleeease! Aaaahhh!! I'll do anything you ask of me! Just spare my life! Aaaahhh!!
Joseph: H-hey... Calm down!
Girl: Eeeeeeeeeeeek!! I won't try to escape, I promise! Spare my life... Pleeeeeeeeeassseeeee!!
Joseph: I said calm down! We don't work for Dio. We're not vampires, either. Okay!?
Girl: Eeeeeeeeeeeek!! An old white man!!!!!
Joseph: We're here to help you! We're friends.

Cascada: pfffffffff
Kakyoin: -snrk-
Jotaro: -frown-

Kakyoin: Hm...
Cascada: You bet.
Kakyoin: ......
Cascada: ......
Jotaro: ......
Cascada: ...-snrk- okay sorry i will try and keep a straight face

Kakyoin: You call having a face on the back of your head an ability?
Joseph: When you turn your head backwards... You have to turn your hands the other way, too.
Nukesaku: ???????????? Oh! S-shoot! I always forget about that part!

See, so here's where keeping his name as "Nukesaku" ruins the joke that's coming up. I probably would have just had his name be "Moron".

Nukesaku: Hungh!?
Jotaro: Oh, so you're immortal? A vampire like Dio? In that case... Let's see how immortal he really is.
Joseph: OH! MY GOD!

Nukesaku: Gyaaaaaaa!
Jotaro: I see... You really don't die. Still, vampire or no, I can cut you into pieces... Now bring us to Dio. The sun is starting to set...
Nukesaku: Y... yessir...

Laugh track, rimshot, et cetera.

Nukesaku: W-wait! Even I can't go in there!
Jotaro: Why is that?
Nukesaku: The walls are riddled with holes thanks to that stupid Vanilla Ice... I'm a vampire... If I touch the sunlight, I'll disintegrate! S-so I can't show you, see?
Joseph: So that's what all those tremors were...
Cascada: He must have a lot of power to punch through walls of stone... I hope the others are okay...
Kakyoin: Hm... In that case, if we bag you up and carry you, you'll be fine, right?
Nukesaku: N-n-no thank you! There's no need for you to go through all that trouble! I couldn't possibly inconvenience you so!
Kakyoin: You can't escape, if that was what you were thinking. Grab a curtain from somewhere, guys.
Nukesaku: Waaaaaahhh...

I feel like ordinary curtains still would let some light through but on the other hand I guess a vampire's mansion would have the strongest blackout curtains money could buy.

Perhaps we'll see Vanilla Ice's Stand - Cream - in action another time...

Polnareff: S... shut your damn moth already, Dio! I'm not dead yet! I'll only die once I see your Stand!
Dio: Hmph! In that case... You'll die right here and now, Polnareff!
Joseph: T-that was Polnareff's voice! And... and one other person...!
Kakyoin: ...Dio!

While Jotaro's "ORA" (オラ) is just a generic kiai battle cry, Dio's "MUDA" (無駄) is actually a word, meaning "useless" or "futile".

Dio retreats from the sunlight. This sequence also has one of the more memetic panels from the manga:

Kakyoin: That was him!
Joseph: That was Dio!
Polnareff: I have something to tell you before you go after him! Just now, I experience his Stand for myself...
Joseph: !!
Polnareff: N-no... I've experienced it, but... I just can't understand what happened... I was trying to climb the stairs, but I always ended up lower than where I started...

All: .........
Jotaro: ...Where are Abdul and Iggy?
Polnareff: ...They're... not coming... ...To save me... they...
Kakyoin: !!.........
Jotaro: .........
Joseph: .........I see...
Kakyoin: ......Mr. Joestar... The sun is setting. If we don't hurry...
Joseph: ...Yes... We don't know much about Dio, but the fact that he's weak to sunlight remains clear...

I cut out at least three text boxes here that had nothing but "........" in them.

Kakyoin: Is there any other way up besides this staircase?
Nukesaku: N-no... Just these stairs...
Kakyoin: Then lead the way.

Joseph: Jotaro, The Machine, you take the right of the casket. Polnareff, you take the left! Kakyoin and I will cover the middle. Attack as soon as he comes out.
Polnareff: Shouldn't Cascada cover the far end?
Joseph: No way. I don't want to be in the line of fire.
Polnareff: That makes se- wait, HOLD O-
Joseph: Hey, moron... lift the lid.
Nukesaku: E-eeeeek...

Dio may be a vampire but he's not like, "vampire classic". There is absolutely no need for him to sleep in a casket other than theatrics. What a drama queen.

Nukesaku: Waaaah... L-Lord Dio... I haven't betrayed you... I showed them in here because I have so much faith in your strength, my lord! Sure as a stream of piss blowing to the side in a strong breeze...
Cascada: Uh...
Jotaro: Just forget it...
Nukesaku: Please understaaaand! It'd just be a nuisance for someone as powerful as you to have to chase these guys down! I brought them here so you crush them!
Joseph: Shut the hell up and just open it!!
Nukesaku: Lord Dioooo! Bwuh-huh... Get over here and tear them to pieceeees!!

All: !?
Kakyoin: What!?
Cascada: !!

Polnareff: I told you! It's not hypnosis! It's not super speed! This is what happened to me!
Kakyoin: Is this The World!?
Jotaro: Son of a bitch... Things are getting interesting.
Joseph: Hey! Did any of you see when this idiot got in the casket... No, when someone PUT him in it!?
Polnareff: N... no... I didn't see... I was watching carefully the whole time, but before I knew it, he was inside...
Kakyoin: Polnareff's right... This isn't something as simple as high speed or optical illusions... No, it's definitely something more...

Polnareff: D-damniiiiiit!
Joseph: What are you doing, Polnareff!?
Polnareff: God DAMN itttt!!

The sprite work makes it less obvious, but you can see in the .gif that Polnareff is yanked out by Joseph.

Kakyoin: Just what happened back there? We've never encountered a Stand like this before! Even though we didn't get to see it, I have a feeling it's more dreadful than any Stand we've met with thus far... Just like how you know a bulldozer is coming by the sound of the engine!
Joseph: This isn't good... This is seriously not good! The sun has set nearly completely!
Kakyoin: Dio's time has arrived...!

There are multiple save points throughout the Dio battle. We'll actually be coming back to this one a couple times so I can show off some stuff.

Cascada: I get the feeling I don't have an actual say in the matter.
Joseph: As am I, Kakyoin... But things are different now! Even though we've been face-to-face with his Stand... The World... We still have no idea what its powers are... You can't climb a mountain with no clue which way is the top! We're gonna fall flat on our faces!

There are a weird amount of bizarre metaphors during these chapters. I don't know what was up with Araki at the time.

Joseph: Hold it!! Polnareff!!
Jotaro: Don't try and stop him, Gramps.
Kakyoin: Then what do you suggest, Jotaro!?
Jotaro: ...............Polnareff is fighting by pursuing him. We're fighting by avoiding him. In other words... He'll have nowhere to run...
Both: !!
Kakyoin: ...I see... But I can't help but worry about Polnareff. Would you mind going with him, Jotaro?
Jotaro: Hm, you may be right... If we leave him alone, we might try to take Dio on all by himself.

If you're on track for Polnareff's ending, you're forced to join the pursuing party. Anyone else's, you're fleeing. Jotaro's is the only way you get to choose. There are a bunch of variations between these but in practice all it affects is how many chances you get to fight Dio.

For now we're going to join Polnareff and Jotaro pursuing. It's a much shorter sequence and I'll be loading a save next update to do the outer route.

There'd be no need to make a completely different map for a short scene like this, so I am tickled that it's like, maybe twenty tiles away from the previous scene. We're probably still within earshot of Joseph and Kakyoin.

Polnareff: Jotaro... Cascada...!
Jotaro: Give me a @#$% break.
Cascada: Let's go! Dio's already on his way...

Jotaro: Do you still have that nuclear warhead?
Cascada: Obviously.
Jotaro: What about the 20 broken lamps?
Cascada: Uh, yeah? You're asking really stupid questions all of a sudden, Jojo.
Polnareff: But you didn't bring the money!?
Cascada: Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't have forced the lady to carry literally everything we own!

There are no opportunities to buy anything at all once you enter Dio's mansion, so the amount of money you have is no consequence. A funny bit of writing, I think.

Jotaro: I can feel Dio's dark energy growing more and more distant... He must be following Gramps and Kakyoin now. They're going to the outskirts of town... So I guess we are too.
Polnareff: !! What's that!? An accident!?
Cascada: T-this couldn't be...
Jotaro: ...Looks like Dio's doing. Must've mowed down those pedestrians to get to Gramps faster...
Polnareff: Hurry, Jotaro!

Cascada: The roof? How did they get up there...?
Jotaro: Gramps and Kakyoin can use their Stand like a rope, so they must've climbed up that way... And Dio probably just jumped. C'mon, after 'em.
Polnareff: Uh, how exactly!?
Jotaro: It's not that big of a climb... We can use our Stands to push off the ground and walls.
Cascada: My Stand is just an arm cannon, dude.
Jotaro: Point it at the ground. Like when Goku boosted with Kamehameha.
Cascada: And vaporize the street?
Jotaro: Like you give a shit.
Cascada: ...fair.

Jotaro: Polnareff. Cascada. Follow them to the roof. I'll go on ahead. That way, we'll have him cornered...
Polnareff: G-got it... Okay, Jotaro! But be careful!
Jotaro: You're the last person I wanna hear that from...

The two routes mostly sync up here, so it's time to cut! Next time, we'll rewind and see what happens when we run away. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

42 - Gaming to me is a religion, and F-MEGA is the shit

2025-10-03T18:06:31.041Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time we did a boss rush and proved Cascada's superiority against all those with Tarot-card Stands. This time, I'm going to suffer and admit defeat.

No more overworld after this. It's the home stretch.

Joseph: Watch out, Polnareff... Someone could attack at any minute.
Polnareff: ...!? Hey... Look!

Polnareff: Look at this hallway! I can't see the end of it... Is it some kind of optical illusion?
Joseph: Don't rush headlong into danger, Polnareff... Dio probably has at least 1 or 2 Stand users guarding him.
Jotaro: !!
Abdul: What!? Something's coming!!

Polnareff: Who's this freak? He's definitely not normal! Can we just kill him!?
Joseph: Polnareff! Let's not jump to conclusions.
Kakyoin: Mr. Joestar, perhaps Dio's mansion is a location where blanket judgements might be appropriate?
D'arby: My name is D'arby... Terence T. D'arby. I'm the younger brother of the D'arby you fellows incapacitated not long ago.
Jotaro: !!
D'arby: Now... Shall we make our way inside? Please, take off your jackets.
Jotaro: It ain't coming off, asshole.
D'arby: It's quite warm... but suit yourself.
Joseph: You mean you're that gambler's... D'arby's brother!?
Cascada: The chocolate fucker?
D'arby: -sigh- The very same.
Abdul: Are you out for revenge!?

D'arby: Besides... He's 10 years my elder. I respect him greatly, but we're from a different era.
D'arby: I'm firmly Gen X, not a doddering boomer.
Joseph: I didn't get rescued by a squad of Nazis with flashlights during the War to take lip from you, kid.
D'arby: His way was to cheat people in order to win... That's a thing of the past! Only amateurs would be taken in by such trickery. Lord Dio knew as much himself! That's why I'm the one who stays in the mansion with him.
Both: .........

Abdul: Don't fall for it, everyone! This has to be a trap!
Jotaro: We don't have time to fight for our souls... Take us to Dio. Now.
D'arby: .........
Joseph: Jotaro! Be careful! Something's coming out!
Jotaro: I'M the only one who gets to whi-

Polnareff: Woah... Woah! He brought out his Stand!
Joseph: Don't see that a lot.
Abdul: Been a while since we met an enemy who brings their Stand out right in front of us.
Iggy: hmph
Cascada: (I know. Down, boy.)
D'arby: So? Who's my first challenger?
Polnareff: This is getting boring! Jotaro, just kick his ass!

Jotaro: !!
Iggy: !?
Kakyoin: ...!!
D'arby: The first punch will be with your left. That's my bet.
Polnareff: Jotaro! Who cares what fist you hit him with!? You can take him out in one punch with your strength! Just do it! Hurry!
Jotaro: Ora!!

Joseph: What!? H-he dodged it!
Abdul: Impossible... He was able to match Star Platinum's speed!
Polnareff: He's shockingly fast!
Jotaro: (No... it's not just his speed! Normally, he wouldn't be able to match mine... He dodged before I even swung at him... Which means!! He knew I was going to attack with my right!! Even though he bet on my left fist, he knew I was going to hit with my right! Why...!?)

Jotaro: ! What!? A hole...
Abdul: Damn! It really was a trap! It's going to pull us in...

Kakyoin: Hierophant Green!
Joseph: Jotaro fell in! We have to pull him out!

This determines if we spend the next leg of the game with the Jotaro/Joseph/Kakyoin or Abdul/Polnareff/Iggy. For now, we'll go with the Joestars.

Abdul: Wait, Polnareff! It's too dangerous to go after them!
Joseph: Abduuuuul! Can you hear meeee!? Abduuuuul!
Abdul: ! That's Mr. Joestar's voice! He's talking while in freefall!
Joseph: If you don't hear from us in 10 minutes... Burn this mansion down! Got it? Abduuuuuul...
Abdul: Mr. Joestaaaaaaar!!

We fade in on...

Joseph: Is this place inside the mansion?
D'arby: It is.
Joseph: ......Where exactly?
D'arby: That I cannot tell you.
Joseph: Is it underground?
D'arby: Perhaps...
Joseph: ...Is it a Stand that's causing this?
D'arby: Yes.
Joseph: Is it your Stand?
D'arby: No.
Joseph: Then is it Dio's?
D'arby: No.
Joseph: Then whose?
D'arby: You don't need to know.
Joseph: The Speedwagon Foundation's intel stated that there are 2 or 3 other Stand users inside the mansion. Is that true?
D'arby: You don't need to know.
Joseph: Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?
D'arby: Cascada stole the cookies from the cookie jar...
Cascada: What? Me?
Jotaro: It -would- be you...
Cascada: Fuck off Jojo. I would eat the ones in our collective burlap sack.
Joseph: ...then who?
D'arby: ...You don't need to know.
Joseph: There sure is a lot I don't need to know.
D'arby: Would you rather I lie? I don't like to resort to lies and tricks like my brother...
Jotaro: ......Hmph.

These kinds of exchanges are part of why the D'arby brothers are so popular. Like I said last time, when a villain is almost completely forthcoming with information and their own abilities, it makes it more satisfying when the heroes beat them at their own game.

Joseph: Have you forgotten that there's 4 of us and 1 of you? And may I add that we're in bit of a hurry?
Cascada: We only have 20 days left...
D'arby: Rushing me isn't a good idea. There's something I'd like to show you first... My brother showed you his, too, did he not? Please direct your attention to my collection...
Kakyoin: !?
Joseph: Collection...!?

Cascada: T-these dolls...!
Jotaro: It can't be...
Kakyoin: Why is he showing these to us!?
Joseph: No, Kakyoin... The D'arby's don't collect normal objects! These aren't any old dolls!

D'arby: Hm hm hm hm...
Joseph: OH MY GOD...
Kakyoin: They're alive...... T-these dolls are alive!
Jotaro: You... you sick freak... Their souls...
Cascada: Are they in the dolls...!?
D'arby: My hobby is crafting dolls. Then, I infuse them with the souls of real people. Actually, pardon my spoiling the surprise, but that's my Stand Atum's ability.
Cascada: New rule: anyone with a doll-related Stand is kill on sight. No exceptions.

D'arby: Dr. Elliot here is a mass murderer... He killed 8 of his patients. His murder stories are a blast to listen to. I made the glasses and doctor's tools myself. This Japanese boy, Tatsuhiko, has an IQ of 190. He was a tough one to beat... a video game master! But eventually, I wore him down.
Kakyoin: (Not as much of a master as I, certainly...)
Tatsuhiko: Mamaaaaa... Mamaaaaa...
Joseph: These brothers are insane...! No... You're far worse than him! You disgust me!
Kakyoin: Even though you pose as a gentleman, you're the worst kind of slime out there.
Cascada: I'll beat you to a pulp...
Jotaro: .........

I should have kept a "text box gaffe" tally. Alas.

Joseph: !!
Kakyoin: What!?
D'arby: Jotaro... When I predicted your attack, you were shocked, to say the least, yes? Even now, you're still asking yourself "how did he read my moves"!
Jotaro: .........
Cascada: So what's your point!?
D'arby: Well... while you didn't admit defeat exactly... You were quite rattled. There was a tiny, tiny weak spot in your soul... And just a bit, I was able to touch it... Then... Can you guess what's next?
Jotaro: !!

Kakyoin: W-what!?
Joseph: What!? There's... there's a hand inside Jotaro's arm!
D'arby: My Atum's arm has burrowed its way into your skin. If I were to break your arm now, Lord Dio would likely be pleased... But the second I did so, all 3 of you would beat the daylights out of me. ...I can't have that.

Joseph: What!?
Cascada: V-video games!?
Kakyoin: ......!!
Jotaro: Give me a break... You really do have me where you want me.
Cascada: Jotaro!
Jotaro: This guy seems to really want to get his hands on our souls... That hand under my skin doesn't hurt, or really feel like anything at all... but I can tell it has the strength to twist my arm right off. This one's gonna be a pain.

Jotaro: Video games, huh...
Kakyoin: At last, my time to shine!
Jotaro: I don't know how good you are at these, but you have something your brother didn't... Some kind of hidden talent. Somehow, you knew that I was going to hit you with my right fist. But still, I don't wanna lose my arm to you, so...

D'arby: Once I've taken your and your grandpa's souls, they might decide to beat me up anyway...
Cascada: ...he's got a point.
D'arby: I suppose Kakyoin is fine, too... But since Cascada has nothing to do with Lord Dio either, the risk is higher.
Joseph: You have a lot of demands, don't you? You think you've already won...
Kakyoin: Looks like it's my t-
Cascada: Fine... I'll be your first opponent.
Kakyoin: -sigh-
Joseph: What!?
Jotaro: The Machine!

Do you, Cascada? Because I sure fucking don't!

Jotaro: The Machine!! There's no need for you to go first.
Kakyoin: That's right! I know plenty about video games. Just let me switch in!
Cascada: That's all the less reason for you to go... We need to figure out what his "hidden ability" is before we have a fair chance. I don't have overwhelming confidence in my gaming abilities, but I should be able to hold him off for a while... That'll give Kakyoin time to plan.
Kakyoin: !! B-but that'd just make you a sacrifice! You saw those dolls, right!? Do you want that to happen to you!?
Joseph: This wouldn't even be the f-
Cascada: -glare-
Joseph: Ahem. Nothing.
Cascada: If my soul is taken, I have faith that everyone will be able to get it back... This is the role I've chosen.
Kakyoin: D'arby! If you lose, do you swear to release Jotaro's arm?
D'arby: ............
Joseph: Kakyoin. Once he's completely admitted defeat in his heart, the hand will let go... The elder D'arby's Stand was the same. That's how their Stands' power works...

I mentioned this moment waaay back in Update 3. The good ol' days.

I fucking hate F-MEGA.

fuck you, did you even playtest this shit

I don't even try. It isn't worth the effort.

You're supposed to be able to unlock a super speed cheat if you manage to squeeze in and talk to the guy on the track, but I think that might only be in the version back at home.

oh noooooooo

D'arby: I'm gonna take extra good care of it so I can play with it for a looong time...
Joseph: The Machine~!!!

???:* ...Help ussss....
???:* ...It's dark... Mamaaa...
Cascada: T-these voices... are... I... see... I... lost... I'm... inside the collection case... Will Mr. Joestar and the others... be okay? I ended up not being very useful... Will... I... ever... get out.... of here...?

Cascada: Wait, I thought you were Mister Genius Gamer out here, how the hell did you lose?
Kakyoin: I... I don't want to talk about it...

By losing earlier we also skip the "actual" battle... except we would also skip it if we won. I'm not sure the manga version of events is even in the game at all!

Kakyoin also plays F-MEGA and gets his ass beat. Jotaro steps up to plate next with a baseball video game, and does a terrible job for eight innings. It turns out that D'arby's soul-snatching Stand also gives him a limited form of telepathy, where he can discern people's true intentions as long as he feeds them a yes-or-no question.

Jotaro starts winning, his thoughts no longer matching with his actions. D'arby can tell that Jotaro is cheating, but can't figure out how... until he admits defeat in his heart.

D'arby: S-something this stupid... was the cheat!? The game was controlled... not by Jotaro... But by you!? Joseph Joestar!?
Jotaro: That's right, D'arby. If it were your brother, he would've noticed immediately... By the way, Gramps... I'm impressed that you were able to catch on to my idea without me signaling you or anything.
Joseph: I can always tell what's on your mind! I'm your granddad, after all!
Jotaro: We met for the first time last month...
Joseph: So what!
Kakyoin: M-mmm...
Cascada: Uggghhh....
Joseph: Are you still with us, Kakyoin?
Jotaro: Get up, The Machine. We've got places to be.

D'arby: P... please have mercy! I beg you! Aiieeee! They're both back to normal! Everything's fine now, right!? So you'll l-l-let me go!?
Jotaro: If you want the answer, why don't you just read my thoughts with your Stand? Here's a question... Which fist will I hit you with? My left? Or my right? ...Take a guess.
D'arby: W-well... It's your right... right!?

Joseph: I knew it! This illusion world is inside the mansion... Let's climb through there! Jotaro! Kakyoin! The Machine!
Cascada: ? Is this... a wine cellar?
Joseph: Hm? The illusion disappeared...
Jotaro: ......?
Kakyoin: What happened...?

Cascada: Maybe I'll help myself to a bit of wine first...
Joseph: No time! Let's go!
Cascada: Oh, fine.

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

41 - Reruns

2025-09-26T20:02:20.500Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time we roasted a chicken and got the band back together. This time, we'll check out the couple of new things that open up in the Cairo map after the aforementioned event.

Cascada: Any thoughts, Steel?
Steel: So you've found Dio's mansion at long last. The time for the final battle is drawing near... I'd stock up on items in town as much as you can.
Cascada: Well, duh. What else?
Steel: I have no advice left to give. From this point forward, the only "reality" is that which you've seen with your own eyes...
Cascada: what does that even mean

Kakyoin has rejoined the squad and is now permanently in Cool Sunglasses Mode.

Kakyoin: Have you discovered any charming local flair around Cairo, The Machine?
Cascada: Nah. It mostly just seems like every place we've been in Egypt put together.
Kakyoin: Well, it IS the capital, after all.
Cascada: I played poker against some Stand-using asshole, I guess.
Kakyoin: I prefer baccarat myself.
Cascada: Of course you do.

This guy in white spawns in after you defeat Pet Shop. If you're close he'll start talking to you without any prompting.

He's a little-known character called Scribe Ani, a villain from a Part 3 side-story novelization. His Stand is a history book that can materialize past events. That should be enough to let you figure out what's coming.

Time for a boss rush! We're up against every Tarot assassin in a row with no breaks, and they're all scaled up appropriately.

All of their gimmicks are intact, as well. Tower of Gray can still only be damaged by all-target attacks.

And he can of course still retreat offscreen to become essentially unhittable.

Tower of Gray also gets this new one-hit-kill attack. If we were playing Hard mode, he would have busted this out back on the plane.

One more reason Wave Motion Gun is the MVP: it can hit enemies who are at "?" distance. It and Nuclear Warheads might be the only things in the game that can.

This is by far the most efficient way to get EXP.

Since there's no chance to heal up on the map between bouts, it's generally a good idea to immobilize enemies when possible for the opportunity to juice back up.

Always satisfying to force a self-kill.

Even though their stats are scaled up, most of the early enemies are still pushovers. They do however all get an insanely powerful self-buff move if the average party level is over 50. Which it isn't.

Fuck this guy though. He still has unreasonably high defense. He won't change forms to the other party members to become vulnerable anymore either.

It cannot be overstated how much simpler everything is when you've got a Wave Motion Gun. For example:

If we specialized in single-target attacks? Huge pain. But we don't.

Joseph soloed this one pretty easily. With two party members, it's no problem at all.

Kakyoin started this rush at level 37 and he's probably around level 40 by this point.

Not pictured: Kakyoin pouring the party's entire collection of SP-restoring beverages into Cascada's throat.

Any you defeat that aren't the real one revive at the start of every turn. You can actually grind out certain stat-boosters this way if you're feeling particularly bored.

Keep 'em coming.

We're recreating history here, since we fought this guy the first time with both Cascada and Kakyoin.

I suppose same goes for this asshole. He doesn't have Dream Star Platinum this time though.

If Cascada's HP is in good standing, I use Absorb Iron over and over just to mitigate the drain on my SP curatives.

how did i ever play this game without wave motion gun

Kakyoin went from 37 to 43 in a single go. Insane.

Cascada: I guess I'm not complaining, but, uh. Weird.
Kakyoin: We've certainly been through quite a bit, haven't we?
Cascada: -I- have. You were only there for like half of those.
Kakyoin: -frown-

Finishing the boss rush gets you a random reward from a pool of 22 different options. This one isn't my favorite (I don't even end up using it) but it's not the worst either.

It's a huge all-around stat buff but you can only use it during battle.

Cascada: We did, actually. Pretty sure he's fucking dead now though.
Man: O-oh...

A new enemy type spawns in the map now, visible at the bottom of the screen. He can and will jump that entire distance to ambush you.

These guys are the strongest normal encounter in the game, so still not really a threat and certainly not worth hunting down.

Decent EXP if you can't handle the boss rush, I guess. They also have a very low chance of dropping a manual for the Ripple Gale attack, which would be great against any vampires we might be going up against soon. I don't bother to grind it out.

An unlisted benefit of the boss rush is that you get a free Phantom Blood after each of its individual fights. Neat.

And for the last order of business before the home stretch, I dump most of the perma-stat-ups I've been accumulating on Cascada. It's not a huge boost and wasn't really necessary in the first place, but might as well.

Aaand that's Cairo 2! There are one or two other secrets that appear, but we've locked ourselves out of at least one of them already. Perhaps another time.

Next stop, Dio's mansion. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

40 - Release the Hound

2025-09-19T14:31:32.273Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we went on a big pointless search and also shopping. This time, multiple animals are going to die.

Final FP check. Pretty much the only party member who can go up at this point is Iggy. Sorry Polnareff.

Polnareff: What do you want!? You got a problem with me!?
Man With Sunglasses: Man, you're dense! I'm telling you to get out! You're a foreigner! Who said you could beg here!?
Polnareff: Huh?

Polnareff: ......? This guy's a beggar?
Abdul: I'm sorry, sir. My friend here isn't familiar with the city.
Polnareff: Why didn't you just say so?
Beggar: It's not businesslike!

Beggar: Tch! My pride is hurt, though... Can I really earn more by pretending to be a foreigner? I'll do that from now on.
Polnareff: ............

The "this is my turf" part, that I buy no problem. The rest of it feels like "I read this in a book once and wow look are how fucked up foreign countries are!" territory.

Though, this does remind me of when I was on a family trip to Guangzhou as a kid. As we piled into a taxi in torrential rain, a lady in fancy clothes sent a leashed toddler over to beg us for money. Later, the hotel concierge said that was a totally normal thing that happens in areas with heavy tourist activity.

All: ............

~~I don't know enough about automobiles to identify the car in question, but perhaps you do?~~
I'm told this is a 1975-76 Cadillac Eldorado!

At any rate, we seem to be missing a party member.

Remember, Iggy was basically the king of all strays in New York City until Abdul dragged him over here. Two random mutts in Cairo ain't shit.

Last warning for animal violence, if that's something that bothers you.

From what I've observed, way more people get upset by a dog being killed onscreen than, say, a human child. I've never quite understood this, but I've also never been a pet owner.

A car drives up offscreen.

I don't think Iggy has internal monologue anywhere other than this story segment. I guess it gets hard to emote and exposit without words.

Iggy: (Y-you've gotta be kidding me! I could care less about Dio... I was brought to Egypt against my will... Why would I wanna risk my neck to help them out!?)
Iggy: (I just wanna live a peaceful, stress-free life... Maybe meet a cute female dog and live out the rest of my days in the lap of luxury! I don't want to deal with this one bit! I-in this situation the best thing to do is... "Play dumb"!)

Iggy: <Huh? What? What's this waggy thingy? Looks tasty! Huh? It's fast!>

Bird: .............
Iggy: -yaaawn- -pant, pant- <My head is spinning! Yipe! Owowowch! I slipped! My aching head...>
Bird: .............
Iggy: (Those eyes... I can't figure out what's going on in that bird-brain of his... Listen, pal... If it comes to blows, you can't beat my Stand. I'm sick of playing dumb! I've got nothing to do with Dio, so go home, dumb bird!)
Bird: .............

Comically innocent child, right on cue.

The manga and anime have an additional bit here where the bird flies under a speeding car before going back behind the gate. Unlike the beggar's luxury car, this one is distinct enough that the anime team went out of their way to add specific details.

It's a Ruf CTR, aka a "Yellowbird".

Iggy: (He's gonna get himself killed!)
Boy: Rex! Duke! Are you in here?

The dogs' names in Japanese are "Chibi" and "Buchi", which the official translation portrays as "Tiny" and "Butch". I think "Rex" and "Duke" hit the same tenor of cartoonishly generic dog names.

While the kid squeezes under the gate, Iggy just leaves, saving us all some trouble. Update over! See you again!

Compared to the dogs, if this kid's decapitated head was put on a giant icicle, you'd probably have to scroll down a full five screen lengths to get there on content warning websites.

I don't see games playing around with text placement in the dialogue box very often, so it's fun when it does crop up.

Iggy: <Hurry, you idiot! Run! Scram!! You can't help your dogs if they're dead! Do you wanna get eaten, too!? Let me take it from here!>

It's pretty easy for Pet Shop to stunlock you with freeze effects and Iggy isn't quite as levelled up as the rest of the squad, alas.

Also, winning here just skips to the end of the event and that's boring.

Pet Shop: .............(grin)
Iggy: <!! What...? Did he... just smile...? I thought I just saw that stiff beak twist into a smile! I didn't know birds could do that...>

We fade out to white as Iggy gets blasted with a giant ice missile... and back in.

Iggy: <His Stand... isn't one to be messed with... It's more than just ice... There might be more to it than I even know... I've gotta get away from here...>

Only Iggy gets the internal monologue, so Pet Shop enjoys a Terminator-like reputation as an incredibly menacing and unflappable villain.

Iggy: <...But a bird's a bird after all... He can't follow me down here. God, this place stinks... I only have to wait here until he leaves, but...>

Iggy: <Nothing birdsonnel, kid.>
Pet Shop: !!

Iggy: <Man, you must really be a bird-brain to fall for that old trick! Heh heh heh heh heh... You're bleeding quite a bit... You'd be better off staying put. I don't care about your master anyhow. Let's just call this a draw... You hit me pretty hard with those ice missiles, after all.>
Pet Shop: ............

Pet Shop's Stand Horus being a sick pterosaur skeleton thing also contributes to his popularity.

Here we get a short little maze to navigate whilst Pet Shop shoots at us with ice missiles.

If he catches up directly, it's into the same battle as earlier. We just run again as needed.

Here's the real reason to do this event even if you can win in that initial fight.

I oughta just dump all these stat boosts on Cascada seeing as we're about to enter the final boss rush...

By God, that's...

Naturally, this only happens if you're above 10 FP with Iggy.

Cascada: Alright, let's kill this motherfucker.
Iggy: woof!

As you might expect, the two-on-one makes this a cakewalk.

The Ice Missiles are categorized as separate enemies that Pet Shop can create with a special attack. They'll self-destruct a couple turns after spawning, which does middling damage but has a pretty high chance to inflict Dizzy and make you skip a turn.

Fight's basically over at this point considering how many statuses land. But might as well go out with a bang.

Cascada: ...But is there a reason it chased you all the way down here, Iggy?
Iggy: ............ (...I guess we'll check it out together once we meet up with the others... But again with the questions! Do you not get that I'm a dog!? Man... I'm gonna get myself killed looking after these idiots...)
Cascada: ?

Meanwhile...

Joseph: Do you think she encountered an enemy Stand...?
Abdul: Maybe we should have gone with her...
Polnareff: Who, though? She only ever has one of us with her at any given time.

Joseph: What's wrong, Jotaro?
Abdul: Is someone following us?
Jotaro: No... Someone's... calling out to us.
Joseph: What?

Cascada: Sorry to keep you waiting.
Joseph: Hm? Where'd you get those wounds!?
Abdul: Iggy, too! He has them all over his body!
Polnareff: Were you attacked by an enemy!?

Joseph: A robot!?
Cascada: No, like, what's that other movie? With the birds?
Abdul: You must be more specific.
Cascada: Uh... they kill people?
Joseph: Do you mean Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds (1963)"?
Cascada: I haven't actually seen it, but probably!
Jotaro: What about it?
Cascada: What if those birds had really cool dinosaur Stands?
Iggy: woof

Look who's back!

Cascada: Yup! I ran into him coming back here, so I showed him the way.
Polnareff: Hey, if it isn't Kakyoin!! When'd you get out of the hospital!?
Joseph: We missed you!

Polnareff: ...Uhh, Iggy and Cascada are covered in wounds...
Abdul: Hey, are you sure your eyes are okay!?
Joseph: Have they healed?

Jotaro: ...you good?
Kakyoin: Are they cool?
Jotaro: What?
Kakyoin: Th... the glasses...
Jotaro: Hmm...
Cascada: Three out of five.
Kakyoin: Excellent, then!

Kakyoin: Iggy doesn't care much about humans or Stands... But I think he's trying to lead us somewhere. I don't know what kind of Stand he encountered, but he doesn't look happy.
Cascada: We were just talking about it. It was a killer bird with a sick dinosaur Stand.
Kakyoin: I would have liked to... -see- it!
Cascada: Uh...
Kakyoin: -sigh- Nobody liked that at the hospital, either.

Polnareff: Iggy! You found it!?
Iggy: ............!
Joseph: He's here... I can feel it in my bones! He's in this house!
Jotaro: ............
Cascada: ...Now...
Abdul: ...our journey...
Polnareff: ...has finally reached its destination.
Kakyoin: .........

Cascada: Okay, Polnareff, what the hell?
Polnareff: What??
Cascada: It was obvious that Kakyoin was supposed to have the last couple words there!
Kakyoin: Precisely.
Polnareff: What the hell? Are you saying you planned this!?
Abdul: It was spur of the moment.
Joseph: It's clear what The Machine is thinking.
Jotaro: Yeah.
Iggy: woof
Polnareff: Am I the only one...??

A couple NPCs have hinted that we should go back to Cairo and see what's changed once we hit this point. In the manga, they of course went directly in because the deadline was like, the next day.

Cascada: I was just in a life-or-death battle at the bottom of the sewer. Let me at least take a damn shower.
Polnareff: Women... you should just use that rouge I got you before!
Cascada: THAT'S NOT WHAT ROUGE IS DUMBASS
Kakyoin: I would also like to drop off my luggage from Aswan.

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

4 - Cutting Class

2024-10-04T18:24:53.016Z

(Originally posted March 16, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

As we cross the threshold into the school campus, the camera moves elsewhere.

No less than five (5) schoolgirls fawn over Jotaro as he walks to school. According to the Japan map, his house is literally directly across the street, but the road was blocked off due to that explosion. Presumably this hill is just off screen.

I don't know if this is how high school girls in the 1980s actually interacted with each other. My mother has told me stories of high school girls in the 60s keeping razor blades in their hair for when they inevitably got into fights... and also how they would sneak up and snap each others' garter-belts as a goof.

(we should bring one of these things back imo)

He said "both of you". There is no ambiguity here ladies. Unless one of you has a Stand...

Nah that's just arthritis. (If you've got weirdly warm knees, maybe get that checked out. Probably got inflammation.)

His fall halted, Jotaro drops safely to the ground.

Jotaro: My left knee? Was it caught on a branch? No... it was cut before I fell. That's what made me fall down the steps... But how?
Kakyoin: How very fast. I can see he has a strong Stand. It's no wonder that my Master wants him dead. But still... My Stand will be enough.

The Teen Girl Squad rushes down to continue fawning. I guess if you're 6-foot-5 and built like a truck at 17, the ladies would be into that.

However, our protagonist has none of it. Instead he notices our mysterious stranger over there literally painting a creepy portrait of Jotaro.

Jotaro: ...!
Kakyoin: ...Your knee seems to be bleeding. Here's a handkerchief, for first aid. ...Are you all right?
Jotaro: ....It's just a scratch. ...Thanks. I don't recognize you, are you a transfer student?
Kakyoin: Do you recognize ANY of the other students? What are the names of those girls with you?
Jotaro: ......I'm asking the questions here.
Kakyoin: Yes, I just transferred recently. Noriaki Kakyoin, at your service.
Jotaro: ......

Meanwhile, Cascada's heading to class, having fended off about a dozen angry delinquents and two score evil puppets on her jaunt around town.

Cascada: I wonder what I'll do...

There are a few students wandering around who provide small talk, mostly fluff.

You can't join a club until your second run, and I don't quite understand why they made it that way. Clubs generally just give small stat buffs, but a few are pretty notable if you're using the right Stand.

Cascada: No problem. Sounds like a job for The Machine and her Heat Ray.

The Part 4 cameos continue with my guy Shigechi trying to catch a cat. You can only catch it yourself if you have 50 Speed (unfeasible for most people unless you're a grinding fiend) or you're playing with certain specific Stands. Even if it's a bit of a frivolity, it's a nice early example of the game's reactivity to what Stand you ended up with.

Always check the shoe locker. You might find a Muscle Drink that you'll never use because you forgot it was in your inventory.

We can beeline straight to the nurse's office, but that'll progress the plot. Everybody knows that you check everything else first.

The teacher's lounge is the first room on the right. My understanding is that all of them are named after famous mangaka; we've got Mr. Ito, Mr. Yamada, Mrs. Takahashi, Mr. Suzuki, Mr. Kimura, and Mr. Okamoto. Junji Ito and Rumiko Takahashi are obvious enough, and Lynn Okamoto's Elfen Lied is allegedly a formative work, but the others are harder to place. Sound off if you've got any ideas.

hey what's up later guys

Be excellent to each other. I mean it. Remember you're usually talking to a human being.

The chests in the library contain a Dora Cola (35 HP, cures bleeding and hunger) and a Lighter (disposable fire damage).

Still avoiding the nurse's office, we head to the second floor... and I don't realize I've moved my mouse cursor to where it's visible at the top of the screen until the end of the segment. I have failed my ancestors.

Another NPC we could help out, if we had a Stand capable of fixing things. Alas, The Machine only knows how to destroy... and she likes it that way.

-> Not really interested
-> I'm not good with gore

If we choose the second option, Cascada becomes "Squeamish" and some of her dialogue throughout the game changes so she's more grossed out by stuff. These kinds of small touches that persist throughout the whole game are part of why I find 7SU fascinating.

...I've never seen Hellraiser, myself.

Cascada: (...I hope they weren't the ones who attacked me... they're nothing but carbon now...)

Yeah, we're all waiting on that HD-2D version. (Also, I'm doing this post the night I heard Akira Toriyama passed. RIP to one of the greatest to ever do it.)

A nice touch for the color version here is that every shelf with an issue of Pink Dark Boy actually has a bright pink book on it. They're the same Stand tutorials we've seen elsewhere, outlining the basics as well as the differences in range and type.

Meanwhile, in the, uh, second floor boy's bathroom...

Where other schoolgirls dare not tread, Cascada follows The Way of the Warrior (武士道). She is a Champion of Justice.

Cascada: Actually I don't, and you won't have any soon either.

CoyoteSmith_"You'reFucked".flac

Anyone who dared would get a Heat Ray to the face and we would have one less groper in the world.

We head to the third floor.

Cascada: (...I really hate this person.)

God forbid women do anything.

What is this, a Kojima game?

If you touch it...

It wakes up and starts to chase you. It moves slowly at first, but it gets faster over time and can move through walls with impunity. You will get caught, and it will kill you instantly with no battle required.

i cannot believe i didn't notice the cursor goddammit

Stay in school and don't get seduced by creepy fortune-tellers in the shitty arcade, kids! ...actually that sounds way cooler than staying in school...

Lastly, we have the roof.

Exceedingly normal. No teenagers dying from expending their soul to seal away mankind's inherent desire for death or anything.

On the way down, I realize there's a new exit on the east side of each floor that wasn't there when I last played this game.

Clubs! There's a ton of new rooms and new NPCs in different clubs across all three floors of the side building, too many to show off. I mentioned the club mechanic earlier (even though we can't access it yet); the way it worked in previous versions was that you had to enter a club entirely unprompted. You could make some assumptions or look up a list, of course, but having all of them just hanging out to give you an idea of your options is a cool addition.

Cascada: It's not like you're doing anything else with these rooms...

And with that, we've finally explored the entire school. It's time to check in on Jojo in the nurse's office.

Anyone actively picking a fight with someone who looks like Jotaro probably has it coming, to be honest.

Jotaro: Wait! What are you doing...?

Even the nurse wants a piece of Jotaro. It ain't fair.

Jotaro: Quit messing around! I'll take them off. It's a waste to cut them.

Cascada: That must be Jojo... Jotaro Kujo.
Steel: (...This is where it begins... This is the start of your struggle against fate.)

I guess Cascada and Jojo attend the same school, so they'd logically at least know of each other. They're probably the two biggest students here.

Jotaro starts taking his pants off, and the handkerchief he received earlier falls open.

Jotaro: Ka... Kakyoin!?

I've only used digital thermometers my whole life, so I had to look this up. Old glass mercury thermometers have a bend in them so that the reading "sticks", because otherwise it would cool down too quickly. To reset it for a new use, you have to shake it so that all the mercury gets back down into the bulb.

This is now an Informative Let's Play.

Cascada: Are we going to, like... do something about this?
Jotaro: I don't see the issue.

His sprite starts spinning rapidly, like if you were mashing the D-Pad.

Jotaro: Shit!

Jotaro: Uoooooooogh!! This... This isn't a normal woman's strength!
Jotaro: (I definitely saw something creep out from behind the beds... it must've been a Stand! I can't risk hurting her... I'll have to find some other way to fight back!)

I find it extremely funny that Jotaro's yelp of surprise is "Uoooooooogh". Imagine him taking a sip from a slightly-too-hot drink and immediately screaming "Uoooooooogh!" in a crowded cafe. Almost as awkward as karate-chopping a Polaroid.

New game mechanic! You get these kinds of conditions in battles against civilians or in various story-mandated scenarios; Part 3's plot has to stay on track, after all. Most of the time they're no big deal, but the first time I played 7SU I had a Swarm-type Stand with a lot of multi-target attacks. It could get a little difficult to avoid hitting things I wasn't meant to.

Anyway, if we can't do damage and can't die, our only real option is Guard.

This happens for two or three turns. No big deal.

Kakyoin: That's right...
Jotaro: !... You... You son of a bitch!
Kakyoin: My Stand has infiltrated this woman's body... If you attack it, you'll be hurting her too, Jojo!

Bit of an awkward wording there. It's probably closer to "I also have a Stand", because Hierophant Green is a Control type while Magician's Red is a Power type (according to this game anyway).

Kakyoin: I may be human, but I've pledged my loyalty to that man... That is why I've come to kill you!!

Popular guys really just get away with anything.

Jotaro: I won't let you harm this nurse!

My favorite way to eat melon is to dice it up, then put the pieces in the freezer for 45-60 minutes. There's enough sugar in the fruit that it doesn't turn rock hard, instead getting more of a slushy, icy texture. Works great with grapes too, plus frozen grapes can be used as makeshift ice cubes for cocktails or dessert wines.

Pretend I somehow made this line funnier than it already is.

This isn't particularly clear with the game's graphics, but is visually obvious in the manga/anime: generally, damage inflicted on a Stand is inflicted one-for-one on the user. It becomes less of a deal as their forms become more esoteric, but the idea that Stands are a manifestation of the user's lifeforce (and therefore, directly connected) stays pretty consistent.

Kakyoin: Take this... My Stand, Hierophant Green's...

Jotaro: -Hack- -cough-... Bastard...!
Jotaro: -cough- A little help?
Cascada: I don't see the issue.

Kakyoin: I told you. Attack my Hierophant Green, and you'll hurt her, too... My Stand has a much longer range than yours, but it hates wide open spaces. If something tries to remove it, it gets angry...
Kakyoin: It'll claw at the inside and latch on! That's why she was injured! You did this to her, Jojo! It's all your fault! If you'd just let me kill you, this nurse wouldn't have had to suffer!

Where I'm from, we call this "Edelgard Logic".

Having exhausted the text ripped directly from the manga, Kakyoin is allowed two (2) dialogue boxes to acknowledge Cascada's presence.

Steel: (...It's your turn! He's one of those people I told you about... One sent to erase those who stand in Dio's way!)

Despite what Steel says, it is most certainly not our turn, as Jotaro staggers to his feet.

Jotaro: ...Am often called a delinquent student... When I get in a fight, I'll pummel the other guy until he bleeds... I've even hospitalized people... I've given half-assed showoff teachers such a scare that they've never showed their face at school again... And when I don't like the food at a restaurant, I'll leave without paying the bill!
Jotaro: But even so... I still know nauseating evil when I see it! Evil is when you crush the weak under your heel, using them for your own gain... Even women! And you match the description to a T! Neither the victim nor the justice system know about your Stand... That is why...

This here is sort of the series' proper declaration of Jotaro being the new protagonist. Joseph in Part 2 may have been a bit of a scoundrel (in a soft, Han Solo kind of way) but so far Jotaro has just kind of been a dick to everyone. Here he finally shows some actual moral fiber.

Kakyoin: No matter what methods he uses... Justice belongs to the last one standing! Take this! Emerald Splash!

-> Join in the fight
-> Stand back and watch

You can totally pick the second option... if you don't want to engage with with the premise of the game. Most of the time, you can flee or avoid major battles, and they'll just play out how they did in the manga without your influence. But where's the fun in that?

Jotaro: In that case... You're definitely evil!! My Stand...
Cascada: My Stand...

Kakyoin: You... Make one move, and you'll meet the same fate as him... Looks like you won't be heeding my warning... Fine then! Die along with him, fool!

Well, we know exactly what to do with guys like this.

Jotaro moves first, but he's still only as strong as the tutorial battle and Kakyoin avoids the bulk of his damage by staying at Middle range. That's not a problem for The Machine.

Kakyoin: Was that a LASER BEAM? What the hell is your Stand?!
Cascada: get fucked asshole

Kakyoin has some reasonably dangerous multi-target attacks... if he gets the chance to use them. Jotaro's Ora-ora has a chance to inflict the "BlowBack" status (one of the many distinct "lose a turn" effects in this game). Jojo's putting out barely 25% of Cascada's damage, but it means Kakyoin gets one action before we gun him down.

Easy.

Jotaro: I was in a bind there... Thanks. But you... you have a Stand? You don't look the part, but... You're not another one of Dio's followers, are you?
-> Yes
-> No
Cascada: We've been classmates for two years, Jojo.
Jotaro: Yeah? When was the last time I showed up to class?
Cascada: ...fair.

If we say yes, Jotaro actually becomes a bit more impressed with us because we chose to do the right thing, but it also increases our Evil Karma (yes, there is a karma system in this game). However, as established, Cascada is a Champion of Justice (when it suits her). No restroom stall will go unturned in her crusade against evil.

Jotaro: Looks like the nurse'll be fine as long as she gets treatment... I ended up making a pretty big commotion, though...

This line is extra funny in the context of 7SU, which, if you recall, established this is the last day of school before summer break (so that Cascada doesn't come off as a delinquent herself). Jotaro spent the last four school days in a jail cell too, so he's skipped the entire week.

The update's running a little longer than expected, so you'll have to tune in next time to see how we deal with this Kakyoin fellow.

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

39 - Can't Say I Have

2025-09-05T14:11:30.677Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time we got a big plot dump about the fanfic business running this show behind the scenes. This time, we finally reach Cairo for real!

Abdul: I think we should keep asking around town. I'm sure there's someone who knows.
Polnareff: Gathering information is important and all, but I say we should stop by the hotel first. There are probably still some enemy Stand users on the prowl... We'll need to save our strength if we want to stand a chance!
Cascada: Or do you just want to use a private bathroom ASAP?
Polnareff: ...well, that too...
Jotaro: ...Give me a @#S% break...

The former choice gives us an extra segment, but I've got to save a couple things for the folks at home. Or perhaps simply a different context...

Joseph: We finally made it... Dio is somewhere in this very city. I can feel it... He's close. Very much so... I sense it with my entire body.
Abdul: You must tell me EVERY detail.
Joseph: Not like that!
Jotaro: .........
Polnareff: Damn you, Dio... Hiding from us like a filthy sewer rat!
Cascada: This is where our long journey ends...
Joseph: Let's go... We need to gather intel.
Abdul: We'll split up and search the town. We have to locate him eventually...!

Here we are. Cairo is the final hub map in the game and "finding Dio's Mansion" is the closest we have to a final dungeon, in the sense that we're going to run around and fight a lot of enemies that will drag our level up to the water line by force. Or we would, if I didn't grind like a freak earlier.

Steel: At last, Cairo... Dio's mansion could be right in front of you for all we know. Do be careful.
Cascada: IS it right in front me? That'd be convenient.
Steel: Definitely not.
Cascada: Figures.
Steel: I hear there's a knowledgeable man who's often seen around the hotel. If you stop by often enough, you may be able to find him.

Meanwhile, Mr. Tutorial...

Traveling Manga Artist: There's one guy I see around the hotel a lot... I can't tell whether he's rich or a beggar. If you wanna see him, just drop by the hotel every so often. You should be able to find him that way.

The chef has the usual offerings we've seen in Egypt so far, but the merchant sells chocolate for cheap. It's one of the best out-of-battle healing items on offer when it comes to cost-effectiveness ratio, so I stock up.

Cascada: Any ideas, Jojo?
Jotaro: Nah. You?
Cascada: Figured I'd do my usual "run through the entire city in a loose spiral talking to every single person I see" bit.
Jotaro: .........sounds like a pain in the ass.
Cascada: You're still coming along.
Jotaro: Hmph...

Cascada: We've got a whole three weeks of leeway, old timer. Chill.
Joseph: I didn't watch my mother get struck by Cars twice in the same day during the war to take lip from you, kid.
Cascada: That sounds way less insane than anything else you've said so far.
Jotaro: My mom is DYING, The Machine.
Cascada: ...Right. Sorry.

The main gimmick of the Cairo hub is supposed to be that the selection of NPCs shifts depending on your day counter. In practice, it just means the shops sell different items sometimes.

This zombie-looking motherfucker sells the best healing items in the game. Phantom Blood (named after JoJo Part 1) is one of - possibly the only? - curative that can revive downed party members and is a full 100%/100% heal besides. Toxicant is an offensive item that's basically the Wave-Motion Gun without the gun. It attempts to apply every negative status in the game simultaneously, which might as well be a win button if even a third of them proc. Alas, we are too broke, and Cascada can do that shit herself anyway.

Jotaro: Time to test the "throw a BUNCH of rocks" technique...

Cascada: ......Only Stands can hurt Stands, Jojo...
Jotaro: ...Give me a @#S% break...

This was not a scripted bit, I genuinely did this by accident while playing and laughed out loud when it happened. 7SU is surprisingly granular about this stuff.

I said it was the final hub map, not the final state of the final hub map.

Cascada: They won't even talk to a local?
Abdul: It is a large city, The Machine. We may be on the entirely wrong side of the Nile.

Alas, I've long given up trying to figure out if the game maps translate to any real world geography whatsoever.

There are a bunch of little restaurants around that serve food from across the Egypt section of the game, and a few from earlier.

Man: I bet it's those damn foreigners!
Cascada: Well, I mea-
Jotaro: If it's Dio, he's right.
Cascada: ...Huh. Yeah.

"Can't Say I Have" Count: 2

Most of the encounters in Cairo are just new layouts of old enemies.

Alas, we still can't 100% braindead through them when there's shit like this.

Cascada: This place is like a damn maze.
Jotaro: Shoulda asked Gramps to make a map...

Same offerings as the hotel.

"Can't Say I Have" Count: 3

I'm not willing to definitively say Cairo is the biggest map in the game, but it's probably top three.

"Can't Say I Have" Count: 4

Cascada: I don't think a mink coat is really my style...

Cascada: -snrk- You gonna pick up one of these, Jojo?
Jotaro: ...nah.
Cascada: Come on, you've basically been wearing one this entire time anyway. You even got that new one tailored back in Pakistan!
Jotaro: Exactly. Custom tailored or nothing.

"Can't Say I Have" Count: 5

It's pretty easy to get lost, so these scattered taxis will take you straight back to the hotel.

I brought this up in Update 30, which was not actually that long ago but feels like forever ago. Seems like it was a hot topic in Japan in the late early 90s.

Cascada: I ain't made of money, Jojo!
Jotaro: I didn't say anything.
Cascada: Sorry, force of habit.
Jotaro: Hm... Rolex...
Cascada: TAG Heuer not cutting it for ya?
Jotaro: I'll think about it after we beat Dio.

We've got one of everything already. On the equipment side, I pick up a Pashima Stole and then actually go through my options for once. Remember, you have to call up Steel and slowly browse through everything you've got one by one.

Current Equipment Options

Bunny Suit (can't equip)
- -10 DUR, +20 MIND, +20 SPD, 70% resistance to OffGuard, increases evasion, chance to distract enemies, chance to become embarrassed
Pashima Stole
- +15 MIND, increases evasion, grants some resistance to stat debuffs
Gold Barrette
- 10% resistance to Poison, Darkness, Sealed, Berserk, Confused, Sleeping, Bind, Dizzy, and Fear
Panja
- +2 DUR, +2 MIND, 20% resistance to CantFind, Distract, and Drunk
Ankh Pendant
- +5 DUR, +10 MIND, 15% resistance to Blowback, Frozen, OnFire and Surge
Hieroglyphic Ring
- +5 POW, +5 DUR, +5 MIND, 15% resistance to Dizzy, Drunk, NoSenses, NoBreath, and Bleeding
Scarab Bracelet
- 10% resistance to Poison, Darkness, Sealed, Berserk, Confused, Sleep, Bind, Dizzy, and Fear
Brass Knuckles
- +5 POW, 10% resistance to Fear
Handkerchief
- +1 POW, +1 DUR, +1 MIND, +1 SPD, 30% resistance to Poison and Darkness
Indestructible Coat
- +10 DUR, 50% resistance to Bleeding, reduces damage from Physical attacks
Bouquet
- +5 MIND, 50% resistance to Berserk
Charm of Karachi
- 15% resistance to Poison, Darkness, Sealed, Berserk, Confused, Sleep, Bind, Dizzy, and Fear

I'm reviewing the footage here and I thought I switched to the Pashima Stole, but apparently I forgot! Oops!

Cascada: "We need to kill these guys" cultists or "harmless goons" cultists?
Worker: I just work here, lady.
Cascada: Ugh, fine.

Cascada: Needle's edging closer to "we need to kill these guys"...

Both ...nah.

If for some reason you have 100,000G to spare and like to play as evil characters, you can donate it here and drop straight to maximum negative karma.

Meanwhile, these guys are around if you want to increase your karma. There's no way to check it easily, but based on past actions Cascada's doing just fine right now.

"Can't Say I Have" Count: 6

"Can't Say I Have" Count: 7

Cascada: (Psst... Jojo... did we have anything to do with that?)
Jotaro: (Don't think so.)
Cascada: (okay cool)

This is a milk pudding thickened with starch and often flavored with rose water. It's descended from a Turkish pudding that's made partly from chicken breast pounded into a paste.

If we'd brought Joseph, he'd have this to say:

Joseph: Hmm, a milk pudding with a Middle Eastern twist. Mmmm... That's sweet! It's so strong!

Cascada: Buddy, I have been and it hasn't gotten me jack shit.

A 10% heal is basically a waste of a turn at this point in the game. Everything does too much damage and costs too much SP.

Jotaro: ...that's...
Cascada: -snrk- Where'd you come up with that one?
Martial Artist: The giant foreigner who beat up my cousin in Aswan used this battle cry. It's gotta be strong!
Jotaro: ...okay, he can live.

Cascada: POLNAREFF HOLD FUCKING STILL FOR ONE SECOND
Polnareff: Should we search together, Cascada?
Cascada: I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT BUT NOT ANYMORE

You may notice I haven't called out any FP increasing events in Cairo; that's because there aren't any. You can only boost Iggy since he has a chance to gain some after combat.

Cascada: Wait, this seems familiar...
Assassin: We may have retreated back in Hong Kong, but now you damn kids are done for!
Cascada: Did these guys even have Stands...?
Jotaro: Okay, THIS time...

Jotaro: Got 'em in one.
Cascada: I still think it'd be more effective if my Stand ate the rocks and I shot them with a beam or something.
Jotaro: Nah. This is better.

Cascada: FUCK THIS I'M OUT

The implication is that all of the zombies we've seen so far were created by Vins, since Dio has moved on to greener Stand-related pastures. But we're right around his hideout and in theory he could still make them. Much to consider about this detail that doesn't matter.

"Can't Say I Have" Count: 9

I talked about Coptic Christians in Update 30.

Well, why not?

More positive karma! More!!

The final Element of Freedom encounter starts appearing in Cairo. They use Ripple attacks but otherwise are not terribly different from any of the previous versions. They also have the highest chance of raising Iggy's FP in case you wanted to grind that out.

This feels like some kind of specific reference, but there's only so much English-language information about Cairo's theatre scene.

True. If you're reading this to slack off on work, then I salute you.

Cascada: Oh, yeah, we were in town at the time. It was fuckin' crazy.
Man: I thought only those Nipponese Samurai did such things. Scary!
Jotaro: -frown-

Apart from happening like 5 years before this game takes place, Mötley Crüe's Theatre of Pain tour never went to Egypt. It did however start in Japan, and was allegedly so popular they added an extra night to the run.

"Can't Say I Have" Count: 9.5

Cascada: Shit, isn't Kakyoin there?
Jotaro: ...He can handle himself.
Cascada: I hope you're right.

I imagine this is referencing something specific, but if so I couldn't figure it out.

"Can't Say I Have" Count: 10.5

Cascada: Way ahead of you.

"Can't Say I Have" Count: 12.5

The marketplace area is where the aforementioned rotating merchants congregate. Naturally. Considering my stockpiles and earlier shopping trips, we're pretty much set just fine for the final boss rush.

I don't buy any of these, but they're actually a new item. You randomly draw a Tarot card and it uses a special attack associated with the appropriate Stand.

Cascada: Oh hell yes.

I stock up like crazy on Scrap Iron before remembering that you can only use it outside of battle and we're about to go into a big scripted cutscene gauntlet. Alas.

This makes way more sense if you're playing the original monochrome version of the game. All the Elements of Freedom are indistinguishable from each other on the overworld in those circumstances.

Overdrive is the only enemy that moves in the stopped time. I don't know what happens if it somehow collides with you, but it's programmed to always run away so it's not likely.

Cascada: Goddammit I wish I wasn't broke.
Jotaro: Your own fault for buying 20 busted radios.

It's true, there are no vending machines on the map. You have to hunt down the merchants selling curatives.

No way. We could have bought one of these in Karachi for literally half this price.

As annoying as it is to stumble into yet another encounter, it gives me the chance to show off the penultimate combo attack on this playthrough. I was unfortunately so laser focused on getting the Young Joseph bit with Alessi that I forgot to make sure Polnareff hit the 10 FP threshold between then and now. We'll see Iggy's next time.

Cascada: If I have to fight one more goddamn zombie I am gonna just start blasting every single building in sight until I hit Dio.
Jotaro: Let's see if Gramps and the others found anything.

Just one final detail before wrapping up.

This prompt is among the R Patch's additions. The first option triggers the next event immediately instead of just entering the hotel. I get why you'd include it, but I have a soft spot for the old way.

So, all these NPCs keep saying to keep an eye out in and around the hotel for a certain beggar. This guy never actually shows up on the map. The event trigger is entering and exiting the hotel 13 times. It's one of those mechanical quirks I like to see in an RPG Maker game; using limited tools to evoke the "texture" of going on a desperate, tedious search while still being easy to circumvent once you know the trick. Neat!

But that's all for now. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

38 - A Brief Interlude

2025-08-29T15:56:54.297Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we destroyed a compulsive gambler by exposing his chocolate addiction. This time, we're stitching together a couple scenes that bookended the previous update. It'll be a bit short, but there's a lot of plot information here.

Also, this is going to have spoilers for later parts of JoJo, at minimum up through Part 6. I'll try to keep any relevant explanations brief.

Vins: Still, something has to be done...
Dark-Skinned Man: ......May I ask a question?
Vins: Ask away.
Dark-Skinned Man: Why are we going out of our way to personally eliminate these Joestars?

Jovial Man: Maybe we should reconsider. He seems like kind of a dick.
Vins: .........
Dark-Skinned Man: ......... I've been hearing some off-putting rumors.

Vins: ......Hm hm hm hm hm...
Jovial Man: What's so funny?
Dark-Skinned Man: Laughing randomly is Jovial Man's bit, lady.

If we'd made some slightly different choices so far, we'd have learned these guys' names and I wouldn't be typing out their descriptors every time.

Dark-Skinned Man: ......Are you stalking him then? Or...
Jovial Man: Okay... So why do you want the Joestars dead so badly?
Dark-Skinned Man: I don't even understand how Dio and the Joestars are connected at all.

Jovial Man: I guess they ARE rich white assholes...
Dark-Skinned Man: As good a reason as any, but it's really draining our resources.

Jovial Man: I don't get what you're saying at all!
Dark-Skinned Man: What do you mean, as we know it? You say this as if you've seen the future with your own eyes.
Vins: ......Hmhmhm... Yes! Because I have seen it!
Dark-Skinned Man: ...?

Professor Wikipedia tells me that the actual band Hanoi Rocks is bizarrely popular in Japan and also considered a spiritual precursor to other, bigger bands, so I guess this makes some kind of weird sense?

I debated with myself for several minutes if I should make the stock "teleports behind you" jokes here in deference to how old screenshot LPs (and let's be real, this one too) have pretty basic humor sensibilities, but now I'm tired. So let's just move on.

Dark-Skinned Man: !? What!? Hey!! What are you doing!?
Jovial Man: -gurgle-
Vins: ...What a fool! You thought I needed a Stand to do something as trifling as this?
Jovial Man: -gurgle-
Dark-Skinned Man: Monster! Just what are you!?
Vins: Hm hm hm hm hm... What difference would it make if you knew?
Jovial Man: -gurgle- ...that's why you should tell us... anyway... -gurgle-

And just like that, Vins has taken full control over the Slaves to Fate organization... who have mostly been non-entities so far and likely will continue to not be terribly relevant. Maybe in another life.

Let's pan over elsewhere and begin the more overtly spoilery scene.

Alicia: ......They're making pretty good time, though...
Berlin: ...At this rate, according to destiny, they'll defeat Dio at the cost of many lives... But we can't allow that to happen.
Alicia: ...Yes... Nothing will change that way.
Berlin: Those terrorists... The Slaves to Fate present a problem.

Berlin: ...Let's go over what Mr. Steel said one more time.
Alicia: You don't remember...? Are you okay?
Berlin: No, I mean, I definitely do, but I just wanted to make sure you did.
Alicia: It's alright. I know your memory isn't what it used to be...
Berlin: I do remember! I swear!
Alicia: Hee hee. Just kidding.

Last spoiler warning!!

Let's Explain JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Spoilers (click to expand)

Sometime during Part 3, Dio wrote in his diary the "Path to Heaven", which is basically just Dio's needlessly complex scheme for creating a utopia in his image. After defeating Dio, Jotaro finds and reads the diary before destroying it. Years later, the Big Bad of Part 6, Enrico Pucci, uses his Stand to extract Jotaro's memories and learn the contents of the diary.

With this information, Pucci's Stand evolves into Made in Heaven, which accelerates time and space to the point of infinite recursion. Pucci intends to force all beings to live with exact foresight of their actions, removing free will. The heroes - including Jotaro's daughter Jolyne, Pucci's own estranged brother Weather Report, and baseball jersey wearing child Emporio - manage to defeat him, protecting the new world from corruption but also losing their memories of their adventures together as the universe resets.

So, the reason we've been seeing cameos of other characters all over the place, regardless of when or where they originate? Not just cute references, but explicitly because of the swirling whirlpool of spacetime caused by Made in Heaven.

And with this information, we can line some pieces up. Vins wants things to go exactly as in "canon", without Cascada, and in Update 31 she says she's doing it for her "sweet child's sake", whatever that means. Alicia, Berlin, and Steel are supporting Cascada with the hope that her sassy personality and sick arm cannon can prevent the discovery of Dio's diary and thus butterfly-effect prevent Pucci's plans. This implicitly will prevent Alicia from dying... somehow.

With that out of the way, we can talk about phenakistoscopes! Spin a disc with a bunch of drawings on it and look at it through gaps spaced to prevent the image from blurring into a single mass, and you've got early animation!

I recently went to the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures, and they've got a variant on one of these that's a big sculpture that rotates like a carousel. It becomes "animated" when they strobe the lights in the enclosure at the proper speed. It was neat, but it would have been neater if it wasn't themed after Toy Story.

7th Stand User invokes the phenakistoscope specifically because of the effect of seeing all the images simultaneously. If we think of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure the manga as one image, then we might think of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure the anime as another, and 7SU as yet another. They're separate entities that nevertheless blur and combine with each other.

Berlin: For now, all we can do is pray that "she" is able to reign victorious over fate.
Alicia: ...Yes. Things will... definitely work out.
Berlin: I believe so too.

Meanwhile...

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

37 - Cairo Hold 'Em

2025-08-25T16:55:08.567Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we obliterated a child predator. This time, we're trying to ferret out Dio's stronghold in Cairo.

If we were keeping 1-to-1 lockstep with the manga, we'd be somewhere around 46-47 days into the trip, leaving Holly a long weekend's worth of lifespan remaining.

Polnareff: No better place to start than asking around at a local cafe! That's how we do it in France!
Joseph: Exactly what I was thinking, Polnareff!
Abdul: (White tourists...)
Joseph: Barman, have you seen the building in this photographic print?

Jotaro: .........
Cascada: ...Seems like our chances are slim to none.
Abdul: There must be someone who knows...
Joseph: Let's go... We'll ask someone else.

These days the city's pushing ~10 million people, with its greater urban sprawl containing ~23 million. That's more than Osaka, Beijing, Los Angeles, or London.

Card-Shuffling Man: Why, yes. I do know the mansion in that picture.
Joseph: For real!? Are you serious!?
Abdul: That's great!
Polnareff: Yes! I didn't think we'd find someone this quickly... Talk about a lucky break!
Card-Shuffling Man: .........
Joseph: Where is it!? Please tell us!

Joseph: ! Oh, yes... I apologize. Here's 10 pounds... Now, where is it?
Cascada: Jeez, you're an easy mark.
Joseph: I didn't trick an ancient superbeing into shotgunning a molotov cocktail and exploding during the war to take lip from you, kid.
Card-Shuffling Man: Hm hm hm hm hm... I'm quite fond of gambling, you know. I love its cheap thrills... You might even say I'm hooked. In truth, much of my living wages come from gambling. Tell me... Do you like to gamble?
Joseph: ...? What exactly are you trying to say?
Card-Shuffling Man: I need a yes or no answer. Do you, or do you not like gambling?
Joseph: ...Er, I'm not sure how you want me to...

Joseph: I'll give you 20 pounds, so could you just tell us?
Card-Shuffling Man: Who said anything about poker? There are many ways to gamble that take no time at all. For example... All me to call your attention to that wall. Do you see the cat walking on top of it?

Card-Shuffling Man: And keep your dog leashed for this, will you?
Iggy: -grrr-
Polnareff: Man, you're getting on my nerves!! Just take the 30 pounds and tell us where it is, you son of a...!!
Abdul: Sir, is 40 pounds truly not tempting?
Joseph: Err...
Cascada: We can gamble on if you'll take the 50 pounds or if I kick your ass.
Jotaro: 60 pounds says I could do it easy with Star Platinum...
Joseph: Wai-
Polnareff: 70 pounds that I skewer him before Jotaro does!
Joseph: Calm down, Polnareff. That's no way to speak to someone who's offered to help us.

Abdul: (Hey, Jotaro... Don't you think there's something off about this guy?)
Jotaro: (He didn't react to 80 pounds... he must be loaded...)
Abdul: (...apart from that.)
Jotaro: (Yeah... He could be a Stand user... But he might also be some regular gambling-obsessed lunatic...)
Abdul: (Jotaro. If he tries anything funny, then punch him out with Star Platinum as fast as you can.)
Jotaro: (Got it.)
Jotaro: (But you'll owe me 90 pounds.)

Card-Shuffling Man: Here comes the cat.
Polnareff: It's going for the right one! Heh heh!
Polnareff: (If I were a cat, I'd want the bigger piece! It's gotta be the right one!)

Joseph: Looks like it's not your lucky day, Polnareff. What now? This is going to make it a pain to find the building.
Polnareff: Well, pay the man, Mr. Joestar.
Joseph: Too bad, I don't have 1100 francs on me...
Card-Shuffling Man: Now... We had a deal. Keep up your end of the bargain!
Polnareff: Huh!? My end of the wha...?
Card-Shuffling Man: I'll be taking your soul! We agreed on it earlier. Pay up!

D'arby: Polnareff gambled his soul and lost... Now it's mine!
Abdul: H-he has no pulse... He's dead! Polnareff is dead!!
Cascada: Polnareeeff!!
Cascada: We weren't even at 10 FP yet!

D'arby: This coin is Polnareff's soul... It certainly didn't take long to eliminate one of Dio's obstacles... He wasn't the brightest bulb in the box.
Abdul: B-bastard!!

This principle underpins a lot of Araki's storytelling. I keep harping on the idea that Stand battles aren't about simply overpowering the enemy, but figuring out how their abilities work and subverting that somehow. Even in his pre-JoJo work like Cool Shock B.T., characters scheme and trick each other and the one who comes out on top is always the one who Figured It Out.

This part, well, maybe a bit less so. Though JoJo doesn't dip into The Power of Friendship quite as much as other Shonen Jump stuff.

D'arby: I remember.
Abdul: Hm? This is our first meeting.
D'arby: No, I meant, I remember what -I- was doing.
Cascada: Abdul's right. How would we know what you were doing then?
D'arby: No, what were YOU doing at 11:15 PM on September 22nd, 1984?
Jotaro: The hell do you care?
D'arby: Hm hm hm... so, you don't remember...?
Abdul: Why are you testing us if you yourself do not know the answer?
D'arby: ......well...... uh.........

Cascada: Which thing?
Abdul: Be more specific.
D'arby: ENOUGH!

D'arby: Here he is... Stephen Moor. Below him is his father, and next to him is his wife. If you want Polnareff's back, then you'll have to continue the game.
Joseph: Un...believable...
Abdul: H-he's a genuine demon...
Jotaro: ...He plans to take us out one-by-one...
Cascada: You bastard! Polnareff would never consent to a polycule with Americans!

Cascada: Only if you're buying.
D'arby: Would you like to wager on it?
Cascada: Go to hell, then.

Joseph: That makes no sense. It's called "surface tension", not Derby.
D'arby: No, I meant...
Joseph: You couldn't have been alive in the 1880s when Agnes Pockels figured out the minimum area a molecule takes up on a monolayer. If you were, then MAYBE we could call surface tension "Birdie". But you weren't.
D'arby: MY NAME I-
Joseph: What a ridiculous thing to say.
D'arby: I. Know. What. Surface. Tension. Is.

Abdul: !!
Jotaro: Hey... Gramps...
Cascada: N-no way! Mr. Joestar!
Abdul: How do you know so much about fluid dynamics...?
Joseph: My best friend was a master bubble user. Whenever he had a spare moment, it was all he'd talk about...
D'arby: Ahem, sir, if we're going to wager... I need to hear the words.
Joseph: I wager my soul!
D'arby: GOOD!

D'arby: Do you mind if I inspect the cups and the glass beforehand?
Joseph: Why even ask? Of course you can check to see if I'm cheating.
D'arby: .........
Joseph: However... If you lose, do you promise to return Polnareff's soul?
D'arby: I swear on my dignity as a gambler. I will return it, provided that I lose... And make no mistake, I have no intention of doing so.
Cascada: Mr. Joestar!

Abdul drags Polnareff over to a chair during this exchange. It's a fun detail.

A weird prompt, seeing as you can always take the safe way out and skip the event. It's a bit more roundabout to do so this time, I suppose.

The D'arby battle has been a fan favorite for decades. It was the only non-main-plot battle that got animated in the 90s OVA, placed in between Geb (which introduces Iggy) and the final showdown at Dio's mansion.

Isn't the trick in these kinds of games that you always go first?

Joseph's scheme in the manga was that he secretly soaked a cotton ball and was squeezing it to secretly add more liquid to the cup. Right now, let's just go for a plain four coins. You basically want to hit the button when the chips are lined up together, like you're playing a Mario Golf or something.

Having this be a bespoke minigame is one of those things about 7SU that boggles my mind. It's just got word-for-word recreations for so many scenes that when it busts out some shit like this, I sit up in my seat.

Joseph: (The cup's at its limit! I'm screwed and absolutely nothing in my skillset allows me to respond to this!)

If we were following the manga directly, Joseph loses right here; D'arby hid some chocolate under the glass, and as it melts in the hot sun it levels out the glass just enough to get the coins in. This does happen in the game if you reach 8 coins in the glass without a victor. Joseph panics and D'arby says he "admitted defeat in his heart", which is enough of a crack for his Stand to declare victory.

Sounds like bullshit to me. If Joseph could swindle the Ultimate Life Form, some dipshit gambler shouldn't be a big deal.

Joseph: (I'll have to maintain the alcoholic jelly while it's away from my finger, and time the restoration right before he puts the coins in. Otherwise, he'll know that I cheated!)
D'arby: GO AHEAD! Mr. Joestar! Hurry up! Are you waiting for it to evaporate!?
Joseph: Urgh....!
Joseph: (I've left with no choice but to create subtle yet powerful ripples! Let's do this!)

Eat shit.

Polnareff: ... uh... urgh...
Abdul: Are you alright, Polnareff!?
Polnareff: I had a strange dream... I was being forced to spend time with an American family... it was terrible!

Joseph: Seems like you've run out of all options, huh?
D'arby: W-wait! Y-y-you cheated at the game! Joseph Joestar!

Cascada: If any one of you assholes moves, you're getting a Heat Ray.
Jotaro: Now where do you think you're going? You're not thinking of escaping, are you?

We once again bring up the secret of Dio's Stand as the final obstacle to truly defeating him. I think almost everyone reading this knows exactly what it is, but I do sometimes wonder what it was like back in the day to have this secret, unbeatable power looming.

I had to specifically go in and increase the framerate of my .gif capturer to get the punch sprite in this one. It's there for barely a tenth of a second.

Joseph: Those... were people whose souls were turned into a coin just like Polnareff's.
D'arby: Hey, everyone! Come back! Let's play mahjongg! Backgammon's fine, too! Dice is rather thrilling as well, if I do say so! I'm the best! Yahoo!
Cascada: ...Looks like he's lost his marbles...
Abdul: His collection is moving on to the afterlife... But it looks like he's in no condition to be interrogated about Dio.
Cascada: So it's back to square one...
Jotaro: ...Still, he was a fearsome opponent... He risked taking on all of us alone.

We'd normally move on to the next area here, but there's still a bit more to show off in this event. Roll it back!

haha oops

Abdul: Mr. Joestar!
Jotaro: Gramps!
Cascada: Even Mr. Joestar...!
D'arby: That's two down! Let the games continue! Unless you want to run like cowards and leave those two behind, that is!
Abdul: You bastaaaaarrrrrddddd!!!

Jotaro: Mind your own business and stay behind the counter!
Cascada: I didn't give a shit about beating up bystanders on the Pakistan border and I sure as hell don't give a shit here.
Clerk: ...at least order something...
Cascada: Nah, I'll just help myself to that whiskey later...

The latter option here allows things to play out as in the manga, where Jotaro handles it in the most Jotaro way possible, which is so fun that you should experience it yourself outside this LP. Weirdly enough, it also causes you to take +3 (!!!) bad karma and nets a -1 FP to all party members. I guess everyone expects Cascada to bail them out of any bad situation at this point. Can't say she hasn't given them cause, I guess.

Jotaro: ...!
Abdul: !! ...The Machine!!
D'arby: An interesting move! Poker is my specialty, you know!
Abdul: Poker!? You can't be serious! This man outsmarted even Mr. Joestar! I-it's too risky!
Cascada: I know... He's a dangerous man... Despite being nonviolent, he's more dangerous than any Stand user we've met thus far... But I don't have any other choice in the matter.
Cascada: It's not like you goons could handle it.
Abdul: Errr... I suppose...
Jotaro: ...Give me a @#S% break...

Cascada: This is a game where you won't be able to get anything past Star Platinum's eyes.
Jotaro: ...I was gonna get a drink.
Cascada: Like hell. Keep watching his hands.
Jotaro: Tch. Fine.
D'arby: ...Suit yourself. Let's start the match!

Attaching Phoenix Wright's pointing hand here is absolutely perfect in how slapshod it is.

This is also a good a time as any to refer folks over to Updated Autopsy Report, a podcast covering the Ace Attorney series with two long-time fans and two newcomers. I wasn't on the podcast, but I was a regular guest on the podcast's supplementary Let's Play. As of this writing, they've gone through every game and are now covering various pieces of media that director Shu Takumi has cited as influential on the series, like Sherlock Holmes and Columbo.

D'arby: Knowing that, do you still wish to continue? Cascada...
Cascada: That's exactly what I want to do.
D'arby: Then let's hear it.
Cascada: ...All right... I wager my soul!
D'arby: GOOD!

D'arby:

Those snow-white chips to the left of the table represent your soul... Once I've taken all 6, your soul is mine.
If you beat me once, you get one of my chips, and vice-versa. Take all of my chips, and Joseph and Polnareff's souls will be released.
Normally, poker is a bit more complex, but we'll be playing with my house rules this time, so you cannot raise your bet.
Typically, the minimum bet is 3 chips, but since we only have 6 to start with, we'll change the rules a bit.
If we bet 3 at a time, I'd have a sizeable advantage, after all... Consider this a reward for challenging me in my strongest game!

Abdul: T-this guy... He's mocking us!

D'arby: Of course, if you're caught... You will lose by disqualification, no matter how many chips you have left... Hm hm hm.
Abdul: As if we'd resort to your cowardly tricks! And you should be more cautious... Jotaro and I will be monitoring the game!
Jotaro: Yeah, I'll be watching with my Star Platinum's eyes.
D'arby: Ooh, I'm scared...
Abdul: Damn you...!
Jotaro: But, D'arby... Those rules apply to you too, correct? If we catch you cheating, you'll be disqualified...
D'arby: Yes, true... But I won't be so careless.

A handful of player Stands do let you cheat. Quicksilver isn't one of them, alas.

I've read it is technically possible to win this normally and net a Badge of Honor, but the odds are astronomically low. You'd have to basically roll a Nat-20 six times in a row.

Since D'arby will always cheat somehow and win, we have to catch him in the act. This boils down to a complex dialogue tree puzzle with multiple proverbial keys and locks.

Here, we inspect the deck.

Cascada: Goddammit.
D'arby: Hm hm... Nothing out of the ordinary, if I do say so. Since the game hasn't begun yet, I don't mind... But be warned, if you don't have a better reason next time, you WILL lose chips.
Jotaro: ...Well, you picked the game, so I won't complain, but... Are you sure you want to play like that?
Cascada: ......I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING JOJO

Basically every point of a given hand has a prompt like this. The trick is figuring out the ones you can catch him on.

Abdul: Just chocolate and whiskey, huh...
D'arby: Hm hm... Nothing out of the ordinary, if I do say so. Now then, I'll be taking one chip as a penalty for interrupting the game.
Cascada: fffffffff
D'arby: Now, where were we...

And it's back to the top with him shuffling the deck. We go on another loop, without stopping him this time.

We couldn't find anything suspicious last time... and we still won't this time. But what if we come at it from a different angle?

Jotaro: You haven't cut the cards yet... D'arby.
D'arby: Oh? You wanted to cut it? In that case, you should've said that from the beginning...
Jotaro: Don't try and fuck with us. If we don't cut it, it makes it easier for you to cheat when you shuffle the cards.
D'arby: Hm hm hm... Not necessarily... You can't prove it. There's no way to tell I'm not just getting the right cards at the right time...
Abdul: You son of a...
Jotaro: We can't afford to let our guard down for a second.
Abdul: We can't possibly be expected to trust him! We should switch out the cards for new ones and get someone else to deal.
D'arby: Hm hm hm... Aren't you distrustful! If you like, you can pick someone else to be the dealer... Someone we don't know, of course.

Cascada: Why don't I deal?
D'arby: How do I know you wouldn't cheat? Hm hm...
Cascada: You can't prove it. There's no way to tell I'm not just getting the right cards at the right time.
D'arby: ......If I don't deal, you don't either.

Cascada: Hey, kid.
Child: You're paying me for this, right?
Cascada: We can discuss that later. First...

Child: Nope, I don't know him at all!
Abdul: Are you telling the truth?
Child: Yup!
Abdul: Do you always play soccer here?
Child: Yup!
Jotaro: Does he always come to this cafe?
Child: Nope, never seen 'im!
D'arby: Satisfied? I'd like to begin the game, if you don't mind.

Abdul: ...Some of the cards have chocolate stuck to them.
D'arby: Well, naturally... It melted while I was eating it. Probably because you keep stalling the game!
Cascada: Or because you're cheating somehow... with, uh. The chocolate. Definitely.
Jotaro: We're screwed...
D'arby: Hm hm... Nothing out of the ordinary, if I do say so. Now then, I'll be taking one chip as a penalty for interrupting the game.
Cascada: uuuuuggggghhhhh

Something still isn't clicking... but as was alluded to in D'arby's post-Joseph breakdown, he's paid off everyone in this bar. The kid is lying about not being affiliated.

Cascada: No... I want Abdul to deal.
D'arby: ...!
Abdul: M-me?
Cascada: Yeah. For all we know, D'arby could've paid off everyone here. If Abdul deals, it's the only way to be sure no foul play is involved!
D'arby: Now, hold it right there... Why would I let a friend of yours deal? How can I be sure he isn't going to cheat? If you're unhappy with this dealer, then pick someone we don't know.
Cascada: We have no intention of cheating... And more importantly, didn't you say the one who lets himself get cheated is the real loser?
D'arby: G... rrgh...
Jotaro: That's a good point. All right, Abdul. It's all yours.
Abdul: Understood!

The sweat drops are a sign we're on the right track. Controlling the deck means we've deprived him of one vector for cheating. Now we can focus on other suspicious moves.

Jotaro: The Machine... you did that already...
Cascada: Wait, seriously?
Abdul: It was only a few moments ago...
Cascada: ...shit.
D'arby: Now then, I'll be taking one chip as a penalty for interrupting the game.
Cascada: (Just checking his person is the wrong way to think about this... he's got to be playing another angle...)

Let's go another loop around.

Jotaro: Again!?
Cascada: I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING JOJO
D'arby: Nothing out of the ordinary, yes?
Cascada: Not yes!
D'arby: Hm? Then by all means, tell us what the problem is!

More sweat drops!

Cascada: Of course!!
Abdul: W-what do you mean!?
Cascada: Using ink, the label of the whiskey bottle could be disguised as a card! See the playing card design? If you peeled this off and stuck it on the surface, it'd easily pass for a legitimate card!
Abdul: W-whaaaat!?
Jotaro: ...But it doesn't seem like the label's been tampered with.

Abdul: I-it's true... It looks untouched.
Jotaro: And most importantly... If he did anything that obvious, my Star Platinum wouldn't have overlooked it. The whiskey bottle and glass are both right there on top of the table.

Cascada: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON ABDUL
Jotaro: This is reckless...
Cascada: I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING JOJO
Iggy: woof
Cascada: SHUT IT IGGY
D'arby: Hm hm hm...
Cascada: AHHHHHHHHH

However, we saw he jumped up to four sweat drops when we were checking his things. We were on the right track.

Abdul: This is your last chip, The Machine...
Jotaro: We're screwed...
Cascada: He's the one who's screwed. I'm done fucking around.

It's not the cards, because Abdul's dealing. It's not the whiskey, because that's sitting out in the open and can't be tampered with while in Star Platinum's view. There's only one option left.

Cascada: You've been practically dipping those cards in fondue all day. It's gross.
Abdul: W-what do you mean!?
Cascada: The chocolate that's on those cards has a sticky substance on it... nougat, maybe? Sticky enough, in fact... to where it could be used to adhere it to something else!
Abdul: Y-you may be right...

I'm not quite dexterous enough to palm the cards properly, but I know a really good trick that involves surreptitiously sticking a card to a surface.

You pretend to cough and use the opportunity to either wipe chapstick off your lips onto the card or straight up lick it so that it'll stick long enough to complete the misdirection.

Cascada: Jotaro. Watch D'arby's hands. And Abdul... Could you take a peek under the table?
Abdul: U-under the table? .....................
Jotaro: You'd bette-
Cascada: I know what I'm doing, Jojo.
Abdul: !!! T-there are cards stuck underneath! And right in front of D'arby's chair, too!

Jotaro: ...I see. So that's how you were switching the cards out.
Abdul: He used the chocolate as glue!
D'arby: Waaaaaaaaah!!!
Cascada: And, if we combine the cards with the ones we were using and count them...
Abdul: ...............!! 60 cards!! That's 7 too many!!
Jotaro: These cards... He must've taken them when we exchanged the decks and hands... Then, by sticking them under the table, he could keep them hidden while still being able to stealthily retrieve them during play...
Abdul: That's why he was eating the chocolate in the first place!!

Abdul: Hey! Polnareff and Mr. Joestar's souls! They're returning to their bodies! They're saved!
Joseph: .........Urgh...
Polnareff: U-uh...... ugh...
Jotaro: Since he lost by disqualification, their souls are being released...
Cascada: Save your applause, boys. I know, I'm the best.

There's something compelling about situations like this where the enemy is forced to play under the same rules as the heroes. It'd feel like a cop-out if D'arby was immune to his own Stand, but doing it this way lets the squad beat him on his own terms which is always more satisfying.

This scene basically continues as before.

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

36 - Somehow Not Even the Creepiest Arc in JoJo

2025-06-27T15:02:43.833Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we crushed a sexy lady under a car. This time, we're going to see what everyone else is up to.

(If you're familiar with JoJo, you know what's coming up, but if you aren't then be prepared for this update to feature some small children in peril. The villain of the week is a lot.)

Jotaro: Think they've encountered an enemy?
Cascada: They better not get into a fight while I'm not there.
Polnareff: We'd better go check up on them.
Jotaro: Mm, might as well.
Polnareff: C'mon, Iggy!
Cascada: What are the chances Mr. Joestar got into another weird chase sequence where he has to run around town by himself?
Jotaro: Fifty-fifty, at least...

This fuckin' guy.

I largely prefer "bloodlust" as a translation, but "killing intent" has kinda looped back around to being so silly that I enjoy the camp factor.

Alessi: What are you talking about? My parents gave me these eyes! Now you're saying they've got killing intent? Oh, found my coin!
Polnareff: Huh... Guess I'll just have to see for myself... whether you're a Stand user!

A rare bit of competency! Nice to see!

Polnareff chases Alessi off-screen.

Polnareff: Hey, Jotaro! Cascada!! It's an enemy! There's an enemy here!
Jotaro: ! Polnareff...!?
Cascada: Polnareff? Where are you?

Polnareff: Shut up! Don't tell me what to do! I'm looking for someone, so screw off!
Tall Man: ......What'd you just say, you little brat?

Polnareff: What!? Just what is going on here!?
Polnareff: I wouldn't be caught dead in baggy clothes!

Polnareff: Is that me!? I-I-I'm a kid! I turned into a kid! This is NOT happening!

Jotaro: ?
Polnareff: Jo- Jo-... H-huh? Jo... N-no, wait.... Johnny... Jason... Jah... juh... W-what was his name...? I can't remember...
Cascada: Jareth?
Jotaro: ???
Cascada: Never mind.
Polnareff: I-I know this guy, but what was his name...!? I think this guy can help me... S-so why? Why can't I remember!?
Jotaro: Hey, kid... Have you seen a Frenchman around here?
Cascada: He's about average height, with hair kinda like yours...
Jotaro: It's possible he shit his pants and was running to the bathroom.
Cascada: He's also probably the only white guy in a two mile radius.
Jotaro: What about Gramps?
Cascada: Oh, right. Well, fifty-fifty ain't bad odds.

Alessi: Heh heh heh... You've got the body of a kid, so it's only natural you'd have the brain of one, too! Your memories are regressing to childhood!

Alessi's Stand is one of those that begs the question of what happened if he used it on, say, Dio, a hundred year old vampire. Alas, we're stuck with boring ol' Polnareff. The 1999 Capcom fighting game, Heritage for the Future, had unique "de-aged" sprite sets and interactions for every single member of the cast.

Alessi: Now, I can't say this too loud... But I really love beating up on the weak... Heh heh. Even I think it's messed up. But y'know, a lot of the time, people who think they're weirdoes are actually pretty normal... So maybe I'm not such a creep after all!
Alessi: Anyhow, I can't possibly lose to a kid, so I'll just take my time...
Polnareff: Hey! You, the guy whose name I forgot! Help-

Alessi punts kid-Polnareff away!

I don't know if I've ever seen a child with vibes bad enough that I'd point a gun at them. Fists, maybe. But I'm also not Kyle McLachlan.

Alessi: Guess you had your Stand even as a kid... ...But!
Polnareff: Ah! Aaaahhhhhhhhh! E-even Chariot... Even Chariot is a kid!

Lil' Chariot is a fun bit. Even in the aforementioned fighting game, we don't really get any other kid-ified Stands, alas.

Polnareff: OH! NOOOO! The sword snapped in half!
Alessi: Gweh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

Alessi: ...............
Polnareff: ...............
Alessi: Huh? Ah-ahhhhgghghhhhhnnhgh!!

I hope yall appreciate whenever I decide to transcribe shit like this and make sure to do it letter for letter with the text box. Just saying.

Young Lady: Hey, wait! You're injured... What happened to you?
Polnareff: Um... um... Well... um...
Young Lady: C'mon now, spit it out! Your injuries need treating, young man!
Polnareff: That man tried to shoot me with a gun but my invisible knight friend blocked all the bullets but it messed up his sword and then the guy tried to kill me with an axe but but but I guess he ran away.........
Young Lady: Come with me and I'll take a look. C'mon!
Polnareff: (Should I go? I can't become big again if I don't beat that guy... He won't attack when I'm with an adult, so I've gotta think of a way to fight back while I can...)

We fade out and get a chance to save the game.

Weird Shit incoming; you can probably tell where we're going from the context. This might be the weirdest it gets in Part 3? I guess Kakyoin did force that baby to eat his own shit that one time...

Polnareff: Aaaauuugggh! I-I can't...!
Young Lady: What's wrong?
Polnareff: I-it's nothing...

I didn't think it was weird at all when I was a kid watching Dragon Ball Z and Gohan was just butt-naked while bathing in an oil drum or whatever (and weirdly enough, my parents didn't either). But now I'm an adult and find that actively talking about naked child Polnareff's dick while it's hanging right on camera is just, ehhhhhh...

JoJo had a horny baby back in 1991. That stupid shitty isekai show isn't so groundbreaking now, is it?

Polnareff: Du-huh-huh-huhhh... <3
Young Lady: What's so funny? Come, let me wash your hair.
Polnareff: Huh!? Wahhh! No, no, no, no, no! I hate shampoo! It hurts my eyes!

This feels like such a culturally Japanese trope to me, particularly whenever those circular shampoo hats show up. When I first watched FLCL I was confused as to what the hell it was supposed to be.

We've already gotten a fair bit of it, but consider this your last warning for children in peril.

Polnareff: Augh! Ah... ah... ah... Auuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhh!! That... that lady is gone... Where is she? She was right here! I didn't hear her scream or anything, either!
Polnareff: Where is she!?
Alessi: Polnareff, did you say the shampoo stings? If it hurts that much... Then let's get it all out! In we go!
Polnareff: Blgh! -glurble, glurble, glurble-

Polnareff: (I've got little kid arms now... I-I can't reach! If they were just a little longer, I could poke him in the eyes and escape!)
Alessi: Heh heh heh heh heh!

How fucking huge is this tub if it takes ten minutes to drain! What!!

Alessi: You're finished, bud! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Polnareff: Ugh...............
Alessi: Heh heh heh... Sucks to have such stumpy little arms and legs, huh, Polnareff?
Polnareff: (.........Phewww... <3)
Alessi: ...!! ...W-what is THIS?

Alessi: I heard rumors about what you did to the Death 13 baby, but I thought they were all lies!
Polnareff: ????

Alessi: You disgusting little shitkicker! You've really done it now!
Polnareff: -pant, pant, pant- Hey, you asked for it!
Alessi: Unbelievable! Don't you have any basic sense of human decency!?

Jotaro would never, obviously, but he ain't the main character here. Would Cascada actively shit herself if it meant getting a leg up in battle? Discuss.

Polnareff: N-no... He didn't... He couldn't!
Alessi: The longer you touch my Seth, the younger you become... Polnareff... You were sharp enough to notice what was going on and jumped out of the way, which is why you're only about 7 or 8...
Alessi: This woman stood in my shadow for more than 10 seconds!! Heh heh heh heh! She's alive now, but outside her mother's womb, she won't be for long! That'll teach her to stick her nose in other people's business. What an idiot.

Jack Frost may be a demon but he would never do something this fucked up.

Polnareff: Damn it! Augh! Auuugh... This... this guy... I've gotta beat him fast... If I don't... She's going to d-die! This sweet, kind woman who picked me up off the street and treated my injuries... I can't let that happen!!

Polnareff picks up the bundle of clothes and flees, pursued by a creep.

Meanwhile...

Joseph: We should just get breakfast without him...

Alessi: Woah, woah, woah there! What do you think you're doing, trying to run with a dying fetus in your arms!? You're gonna be like that soon, Polnareff!!
Joseph: ! I knew it! It must be another Stand user!

Joseph: Hm? Who's this kid? Haven't I seen you somewhere...? Woah, you're covered in bruises! What happened to you, little guy?
Polnareff: Uh... Uh... ...!

Alessi: O-oh, I'm not... Erm...
Alessi: ...Y-you little! Pol... I mean, Paul! You've gotta dry yourself off after you get out of the bath! Look what you've done to the floors!
Polnareff: Huh!?
Alessi: A-and you!? Who are you!? A thief!?
Joseph: H-hold on, wait... I'm not a...
Alessi: I'm calling the police, you c-c-creep!

Alessi: Joseph Joestar... You only gained Stand powers recently, correct? Which means you couldn't use it when you were a kid! You're just a regular little brat! Haha! Wahahahahaha!

Well shit. How are we gonna get out of this one, folks?

Joseph: I got younger! Is this your Stand ability!?
Alessi: What!? Why aren't you a kid yet!? ...I get it! You're such an old fart that you'd have to stand on it forever to get that young!
Joseph: Hm...? Does that mean you're Polnareff!?

Joseph: I didn't... uhhh... during the war...?
Polnareff: ...??
Joseph: ......I didn't save Uncle Speedwagon from a plane hijacking while reading comic books to take lip from you, kid!
Polnareff: Aaaaaugh! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Joseph: Hmph... But I think I get what's going on!

Finally.

This event is why I've been managing FP all game long. If we were at 10 FP with Polnareff, then Cascada would show up to save him; the player's event takes priority. Getting Young Joseph requires below 10 FP with Polnareff and above 10 FP with Joseph. Anything else just follows the manga where Jotaro's the one who shows up.

As we've seen, Old Joseph is mostly relegated to comic relief during Part 3 so Jotaro can stand out as the main character. But if you've gone through Part 2, you know he's Seen Some Shit that makes some of these Stand battles look small-time, so it can feel like Joseph gets done a little dirty.

Getting Alessi-d back to Part 2 Joseph is one of those slam dunk setups that the manga doesn't take advantage of at all. Would it be blatant fanservice? Absolutely. But if you've read Steel Ball Run, you know Araki isn't too good for some stupid pandering.

Polnareff is stuck in Baby Mode and can only do scratch damage with basic attacks. Meanwhile, Young Joseph gets a full slate of new Ripple attacks we've never seen before.

Only Stands can affect other Stands, but that's not going to stop us.

Aiming for the user is standard practice at this point and Young Joseph is easily strong enough to solo the fight.

Get fucked.

Joseph: What should we do with him?
Polnareff: ...Let's wait until Chariot's sword comes back.
Joseph: Capital, Frenchy.

Joseph: You should have seen it, kids! Back in my prime, without any hard work! My muscles were twice the size!
Jotaro: Sounds fake...
Cascada: You've been telling us stories for what feels like weeks and it ain't even noon...
Joseph: I didn't get into a chariot race with giant vampire horses during the war to take lip from you kids.

Cascada: -sigh- Can we just get some breakfast? Or at this point, brunch?
Joseph: Abdul's already making reservations for us.
Jotaro: Cool.
Polnareff: (That was too close... But with my body back to normal, hers should be as well!)

All: .........

All: .........
Polnareff: Don't say a word, Jotaro! That goes for you too, Cascada! And you, Mr. Joestar!
Jotaro: ............

Polnareff: Abdul! That's my line! Where the hell were you!?
Abdul: They will not seat us until the entire party has arrived!
Cascada: Let's hit the road, then!
Iggy: Wuff!

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

35 - WHERE ARE THE MAGNETS

2025-06-07T03:50:44.599Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we did a bunch of shopping for the upcoming gauntlet. This time, we'll cover one of my favorite Stand battles in all of Part 3. There's also a larger number of .gifs than normal this time, in case any of you are still rocking that 56K.

Polnareff: You really think there are still undiscovered tombs?
Abdul: It's a possibility.
Jotaro: By the way, where's Gramps?
Abdul: He went to the bathroom... Iggy's with him, so he should be fine.
Polnareff: The bathroom?
Abdul: Do you need to go too?
Cascada: I'm getting a bad feeling about this...

Joseph: If I had even three seashells, I could figure something out, but this...
Iggy: ...woof...

In the midst of all this cultural xenophobia, the manga at least musters up enough decency to have a text box disclaimer that these are supposedly extremely rare. I expect Araki maybe read about them in a book once, or perhaps heard drunken ramblings at a bar.

I can't even come up with a joke here more ridiculous than what's actually happening. He's got a metal hand for fuck's sake.

Abdul: Mr. Joestar! What are you doing? We're leaving soon!
Joseph: Oh, got it! Be right there!

As our heroes walk off camera, we pan to the right...

Shocked. Shocked, I tell you.

They would have delivered a new hand... probably with the submarine? The same submarine where High Priestess completely mangled his previous hand. Convenient.

The ever-present narrative plus of having automail or whatnot is, of course, that you can destroy it and create stakes without actually harming the character it's attached to. See also mecha.

Abdul: Is everything all right?
Joseph: I'm fine...
Abdul: ...We still have 2 days to go before we reach Cairo. We're all a bit beat up. Why don't we stop in Luxor for the night and take a load off?
Polnareff: Yeah, let's do it! Ever since we reached Egypt, the enemies have gotten way stronger! It's been tooth-and-nail fighting them off.
Jotaro: You've barely done anything other than get possessed.
Cascada: I agree. If the enemy catches us while we're exhausted, then we're done for.
Joseph: I suppose we'll be better prepared to enter Cairo that way. Still, don't get too complacent. Let's find a hotel.

Carpenter: Auuugghhh... The nails... ...The nails! It huuuuuuurts!!
Polnareff: Nails? What, did you hit your finger with that hammer or something? You should be more careful! Your hammer almost hit us.
Carpenter: Agagagagahhh...

Abdul: Will do... Hm hm hm... But Mr. Joestar... You sure are a restless sleeper for your age! You're turned around 180 degrees! You fell asleep facing south, and now you're facing north! Guess you're young at heart!

Joseph: That evil bunny girl isn't still here, is she?

Young Lady: Eeeeeeeeek!! What are you doing, you dirty old codger!?
Joseph: ? Huh? Wha?

Joseph: Whaaaat!? They're... they're sticking to me! E-everything metal is attracted to me... Maybe... my body... Auuugh! My body! It's become a magnet!

Joseph: I-is this magnetism being caused by a new Stand user!? So... why can't I see the Stand!? Ah!! Could it be because I touched that outlet on the rock yesterday!? Is that shock the cause!? I-I've got to warn Jotaro and Abdul!

These characters must often be dumb as a sack of bricks to get the plot rolling, but it does mean we can think, "Yes! Thank you!" when they clock into things relatively quickly.

Joseph: Urgh! N-now I've done it! The steps are made of steel...! And the magnetism effect... it's getting stronger over time!

Joseph: Whaaaaat!?

We should all be so lucky.

Miniskirt Lady: ............
Joseph: H-hey! Are you listening!?
Miniskirt Lady: Hm hm hm hm...
Joseph: !? W-whaaat!?
Miniskirt Lady: Hee hee... Relax, Joseph Joestar...
Joseph: Are... are you the Stand user!?

Mariah: Once you're caught in my Bastet's magnetic curse, there's no escape...
Joseph: Aaaaaaaaauggggghhh! S-someone! Anyone! Stop the escalator!

Mariah waltzes off camera as Joseph begins his third freakout of the morning.

Joseph: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaargh! My neck! My neck! Waaahhh!! I'm at the bottom! It's overrr! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!! I'm deeeaaadd!! Bwuh-huh-huhhhhh!
Abdul: -ahe-he-hemmm-... Hello, Mr. Joestar?
Joseph: My neck has snappeedddd...
Abdul: -ahem-!
Joseph: It's brokeeeeeen...!
Abdul: I've already stopped the escalator. The button was right next to it.
Joseph: I can't believe I'm dying in a hotel that doesn't even exude a colonial charm!! OOOUUURRRGGGHHH!!!
Abdul: MR. JOESTAR!

There's a crowd of people covered by the text box, by the way. It's hard to grab a screenshot in the scant few frames between.

Abdul: ...............? What just happened, Mr. Joestar...?
Joseph: It's the enemy! I've been caught in an enemy Stand's trap! Right now... my body is a magnet! Metals have been flying at me all day!
Abdul: You woke up ten minutes ago...
Joseph: P-plus, the effect is getting more powerful by the minute...!

I think it's a great gag that she was literally one (1) tile off camera.

Joseph: It's her! She's the user!! I'm going after her! We need to get rid of this magnetic effect before I become immobilized!
Abdul: I'll go get Jotaro and the others!!
Joseph: We don't have time for that! She's getting away! I need to at least get a look at her face!

Abdul: (Y-you want me... to sneak a peek!?)
Joseph: (It's an emergency! I'll make sure she doesn't escape from the top of the stall!)

I guess this could happen from all the bolts sliding open?

Abdul: Is this the Stand user!?
Joseph: No way! I'm not into women my age!
Abdul: I-it's the wrong person! This isn't gonna be good...!
Joseph: L-let's make a break for it!
Women: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!! Perveeeeeeeeeeeeeeert!!

Mariah: Hee hee hee hee...
Joseph: Damn it! How'd she get over there!? C'mon, after her!

Joseph: If it shocks you, then you'll become magnetic!
Abdul: ............... I've... already touched it, Mr. Joestar.
Joseph: W-whaaaaaaaaaaaat!? When!?
Abdul: Remember when I pressed the emergency stop button on the escalator? There was an outlet right next to it... And it shocked me...
Joseph: That... woman...!

Joseph: Y-you're the one who should separate, Abdul!
Abdul: B-but you came over here!
Joseph: It must be the magnetism sticking us together! Augh... This is some enemy...!

There are a bunch of goofy unique sprites for this single scene. I suppose that's a little easier to do when your characters are ~25x25 pixels.

Joseph: Calm down, Abdul! We can't do anything about it now! We have to think of a way to beat this Stand! Where is that damn woman!?
Abdul: I don't see her anywhere! Augh... I've got metal all over my body!
Joseph: Stand up slowly, Abdul.

Abdul: By your lead, Mr. Joestar!

Joseph: Ah...
Abdul: M-Mr. Joestar... This is... quite embarrassing...
Joseph: Hey! What are you looking at! We're practicing our dance routine! Bug off!
Abdul: It's n-nice to dance in the street!
Joseph: Think we could make it onstage at the Cairo Opera House?
Abdul: Mr. Joestar! Please!

Abdul: So it seems...
Joseph: Abdul. Can you move your body a little bit?
Abdul: Yes, a little.
Joseph: Good... I'll grab onto this fence while you slide your body down bit by bit. Once you get to my feet, we can separate! If my head is stuck to your head, then your head and my feet should deflect each other.
Abdul: R-right...

Joseph: It's fine! Just remember what I told you about sticking to the head!
Abdul: Yes, of course...

I was about to make a note on clever asset re-use, but the left-center girl sprite actually is different from Alicia's.

Joseph: Hey! I told you to scram, so scram! You little brats! C'mon, faster, Abdul! Hurry and get offa me!
Abdul: Hhhnnnggg! I'll get off if it's the last thing I do!!

If I may proverbially sit down on the chair backwards and look directly at the camera for a moment: while I don't approve of "gay panic" jokes or taking potshots at the LGBTQ community, I do approve of jokes about people who usually take themselves seriously being put in inherently silly situations. The "uh oh, we're stuck together!" plot is a once-a-season Super Sentai episode for a reason.

And really, nobody in JoJo has comedic freak-outs like Joseph Joestar.

Abdul: Quickly! Say something that would scare off any confident adult woman!
Joseph: I... uhh... I AM PEAK AURA FARMING RAAAAAAA

This line feels like it's meant to be placed after the next cutscene, but who am I to judge?

Mariah: Hee hee hee hee hee...
Joseph: Abdul! Go behind her, so she can't get away! She's a persistent foe... She might have set up traps!

I haven't figured out a rationale for when the game does or doesn't decide to show a character's portrait. It seems completely arbitrary.

Joseph: It's okay! We just both have to get off each other again!
Abdul: So quickly after last time!?
Mariah: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee...

Joseph: Here comes the train! What are you waiting for!?
Abdul: I... I can't do that! If I burn them, the train will derail and many people will be killed!!
Mariah: Hee hee hee hee...
Joseph: That woman! That god damn woman! Hermit Purple!

Joseph: No... it's no good! The magnetism is too strong!
Abdul: Mr. Joestar, pull harder! You can do it!
Joseph: I'm pulling on this shaft as hard and fast as I can!
Abdul: Aaaaugh!! I-it's here! Pull, pull!
Joseph: Waaauuuggghhhhh!!

Just kidding.

The "gag" here is meant to be that Mariah is normally cool and sexy but has an ugly freak-out face, which, I mean, that's barely a joke.

Abdul: That seems a bit extreme...
Joseph: It wouldn't be the first time I've brutally maimed a woman and it probably won't be the last!
Abdul: I-I see...

I have to post Joseph's face from the manga here, which is a panel that has always stuck with me:

Also, look closely. Her sprite has accordingly gone PS1-style Tifa. Fun detail.

Mariah: Hee hee hee hee... The magnetism's going to get more and more powerful... Until both of your bodies are crushed!
Abdul: She's getting away!
Joseph: No... She isn't running... Just trying to maintain her distance! If she gets too close, she's in our range... But if she gets too far, her magnetism effect will disappear! Even her Stand has to obey the rules!
Abdul: What should we do? She said it's going to keep increasing... Should we run somewhere the effect can't reach us?
Joseph: No... Even if we escape the magnetism, we still can't defeat her Stand!

We're about to enter one of those sequences that's fascinating in how elaborate it is, but also so annoying to deal with that the game itself includes ways to skip it entirely.

I sped the .gif up considerably. It's much more readable in-game.

Game Narration:

To capture Mariah, you'll have to corner her on both sides! However, be careful... Metals will fly towards you, and if they connect, you'll be damaged and your weight will increase!
As you get heavier, your movement speed will gradually decrease! If you get hit with a knife, you'll start bleeding and take additional damage every step!
Abdul has the ability to burn objects that fly towards him! If it succeeds, he'll negate the damage and added weight! Joseph can use his Stand to search the area 10 paces ahead of him by using the "Search" skill! He can also use it to pinpoint Mariah's exact location!

But first, a quick gag.

The magnetism makes the ring fly right out of the box!

So. Mariah is indeed on the map and will always run from your currently controlled character - whomever it be - along specific lanes. Meanwhile, every single piece of metal on screen will chase you down like you're a Switch 2 on launch night.

It is an incredible fucking hassle.

The timing for when Abdul can blast shit with Magician's Red is finicky as hell. My best guess is that you have to manage to "talk" to an object before it directly collides with you, which is so hard to do that it might as well be pure button mashing and luck.

Here's a great example of the tedium involved. I'm trying to get to this specific treasure chest, which is effectively impossible without getting slammed by a bunch of stuff. You can also see here how much your movement slows down.

Anyway, there are a bunch of chests around the map, but this one is special.

I skimmed through Part 2 between this update and the last to figure out what this is supposed to be referencing, but I'm stumped. Forgive me.

This whole sequence is a fucking nightmare without grabbing Life Magnetism.

That isn't even the slowest you can get! It becomes interminable!

Meanwhile, the "Search" skill:

Decently useful I suppose, though giving us Mariah's X,Y coordinates feels particularly silly to me. Off the top of your head: from which corner does RPG Maker 2000 start measuring tiles, and how big is the chase map? Don't know? Then the coordinates aren't very helpful, are they?

Again, Bleed is somehow the most powerful damage-over-time status in this game and must be dealt with immediately.

Most of the other treasure chests just have curatives.

If you miss Life Magnetism, these vases are your pressure valve.

Joseph: Abdul! Are you here!?

Abdul: YES, I AM! ...BLEEDING HEAVILY!!

Once you can get Abdul up to the finish line, you lose control of him and have to corral Mariah up there with only Joseph.

This is your other lifeline. For 30,000 G (!!!) you can hire these guys to skip the whole event. Our current coffers are around 18k, so I couldn't have done this even if I wanted to... and god did I want to.

Mariah runs at the same speed you do, assuming you have no metals weighing you down. I found the best way to handle it was try and corral her into the upper-left corner, then try and send her rightwards into the ambush.

If you get lucky, you can catch up and fight her directly.

You're permanently stuck with Magnet status, which does 5%+1 HP damage every turn and halves your speed.

Joseph: If only The Machine were here...!

All the objects ram into you for sizable damage and Mariah will paralyze you. We may be overlevelled, but not so much that we can overturn the action economy.

This is how it looked after one action (in about three rounds), so alas, we must flee.

I lost her a couple times, but she'll always eventually return to the first crossroads where you can start again.

Fucking finally. Maybe it doesn't sound like a long time, but this took an unbroken 10 minutes of running around.

Mariah: Ohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho! Ohohohohohohoho...
Joseph: (I'll take this over "hee hee hee"...)
Mariah: Nowhere to run, you say...? You really don't get it, do you... I wanted you to follow me here! I led you on!

Mariah: Have fun being barbequed!

Mariah: The effects of my Bastet have already completely overwhelmed your Hermit Purple!!
Abdul: Cursed woman! I'll burn you to death!

Abdul: My flames can melt anything, but not everything! I-I'm going to be flattened...
Joseph: Arrgggghhhhhh! I can't hold out much longer!
Mariah: Joseph Joestar... I'll tell you one last thing... You're one very good looking man. Even though we never really got to know each other, you've demonstrated that you have an excellent sense of humor...
Abdul: Do not listen to her! All lies!
Mariah: You're not a young man by any stretch, but you have a lot of life experience, and all in all, I'd even say you're quite the charmer...
Abdul: The woman speaks falsehoods!!
Joseph: Alright hold on-
Mariah: Age gap aside, I think we would've made quite a good pair. Hee hee...

Mariah: Mmmm... nope! You're not as attractive as Dio.
Abdul: ......d-do you also recall EVERY detail...?
Joseph: Abdul!
Mariah: Hee hee hee...

Mariah: You heard me! Sorry, but you're through.
Joseph: Even if I beg?
Mariah: Yes, so stop asking already!
Joseph: I see. Your loss, young lady.

The manga seems to imply that Joseph uses the magnetism to repel himself off a street drain to rise in the air, while the anime makes it so he's using the Ripple to lift himself up on streams of water. Cool.

Joseph: So can we grab some breakfast?
Abdul: Yeah, I'm all for it. All this running around in circles has worked up quite the appetite!
Joseph: Wow, it's already 9AM? Polnareff's gonna be pissed!
Abdul: I imagine Jotaro and The Machine are getting hungry as well...
Mariah: You... sons of bitches...

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

34 - Shopping Trip

2025-05-30T16:23:56.864Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we beat up a sentient sword. This time, we visit the game's penultimate hub map (yes, really).

Polnareff: ...and then he said, "I'm the only one who gets to pull it out"!
Joseph: -pffft-
Cascada: I can't believe Kakyoin missed it!
Jotaro: .........

Cascada: How many does that make so far?
Abdul: We have defeated only two Stands: those representing Geb, father of snakes; and Anubis, master of secrets.
Cascada: Huh, I feel like it oughta be more.

Polnareff: Yeah, I'm good. My ribs are just a tad sore...
Jotaro: I tried to aim for the sword as much as I could, but Polnareff still got caught in the crossfire a bit.
Cascada: Sorry, Polnareff...
Polnareff: What else were you supposed to do? Don't worry about it. I'm just glad you guys didn't end up dead 'cause of me.

This is our reward for defeating Twin Blades Polnareff fair and square. He automatically learns the "Zantetsuken" attack, which pierces defense and has a chance to instantly KO an enemy.

You may recognize the phrase "Zantetsuken" - translated as "Iron-Cutting Sword" - from pop culture. It recurs in the Final Fantasy series as Odin's special move (which also has 1HKO properties) and is the name of Ishikawa Goemon XIII's sword in Lupin III.

Cascada: Well, Steel? Any tips?
Steel: I can sense a disturbance in the air... A Stand user is sure to be near. Be very careful.
Cascada: That's it?
Steel: What?
Cascada: You could have said that literally anywhere we've been this entire trip. Give me something REAL to work with here.
Steel: ...well it's true

We're pretty much looking golden on the FP front, though Iggy could use another bump.

Cascada: See, now that's some information. You could learn a thing or two, Steel.
Steel: BZZZT PRE-RECORDED MESSAGE
Cascada: Grow up.

The real Edfu is probably best known for its particularly well-preserved temple dedicated to Horus. The game Edfu is a small map containing a big marketplace and pretty much nothing else.

This section right outside the hotel has all the food vendors, though there's nothing we haven't seen in past updates.

Quicksilver is the only player Stand that can actually do anything with Scrap Metal, so I buy quite a few pieces here. We always need more SP restoratives.

New to Edfu are the penultimate Element of Freedom wisps. We're overleveled enough to blast them down fast, but if they decide to spam their paralyzing thunder attack then shit can go south real quick.

Cascada: I'm running out of suitcase space for souvenirs...
Jotaro: Just get a new one.
Cascada: I ain't made of money, Jojo.
Jotaro: Maybe you shouldn't have spent it all on three broken lamps, two broken watches, and a broken CRT television.
Cascada: Those don't count! I'm gonna have to spend all night eating them with my damn Stand elbow-mouth.

Alas, none of the new equipment really beats out our bulletproof vest.

This shop is extremely important if you decided to opt in to being sickly way back at the start of the game. It's not easy to come by Cold Medicine.

Cascada: It's only 300G at vending machines... but I GUESS I should be a good tourist and support local business...

Jotaro: ...Give me a @#$% break.
Cascada: If I REALLY needed that much pocket change I'd just mug another couple of those snipers in the building over there.
Jotaro: Hmph...
Cascada: Thanks though.

Jotaro steals back your money along with swiping ten (10) cans of Diamond C. Ordinarily I'm all for screwing over scammers, but we've already discussed how it's kind of an issue how JoJo treats everyone outside of Japan like they're crooks.

My spider sense tingled a bit here because normally an NPC saying something like would imply the ankh pendant is particularly good armor for an upcoming boss or something, but it's not.

Cascada had to wear a chador for a few cutscenes back in Saudi Arabia, if folks recall.

Text box gaffe spotted! Joseph ain't even here!

Shawarma descends from the alleged "hamburger of the Middle East" doner kebab, made by stacking a bunch of thin slices of meat on a vertical spit and shaving off the outer layer as it cooks. They mentioned it once in some Marvel movie, I think? Lebanese immigrants brought the concept to Mexico in the early 1900s, eventually leading to tacos al pastor being the go-to taqueria offering in modern day Los Angeles.

This is the same vendor that was in Kom Ombo. Over twice the price for another 5% effectiveness isn't exactly cost effective, but it can make the difference.

One vendor here sells fake versions of the permanent stat up items. They don't really do anything on the map, but in battle they serve as buffs for each respective stat, so there are actually a few use cases.

Jotaro: I'm gonna get some shurbat lisan asfour.... ALONE.
Cascada: I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS LIFE JOJO

Polnareff's event is nice and quick with the merchant in the corner.

Cascada: ...Oh? How about this amulet, then?
Polnareff: What have we here? ...Protection against water related difficulties...?

All: ...............
Iggy: woof

Polnareff under 10 FP by the time we leave Edfu is all we need. I don't think he has any other opportunities so we're in the clear, but I load a save juuust in case.

Cascada: You hadn't heard of me, either.
Abdul: You were not based in the Middle East.
Cascada: ...you know what, fair.

I finally manage to get footage of the proper combo attack between Quicksilver and Magician's Red. I still don't know what went wrong last time.

This is a cameo of Johnny Joestar of Part 7, aka Steel Ball Run. He's a paraplegic who competes in a cross-country horse race and fights to the death against the President of the United States.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time looking for this guy, assuming that surely I'd spoken to this one NPC and he wasn't the event trigger. According to the footage I just walked directly past him like thirty times.

This is another event akin to the one in Kom Ombo that just establishes Abdul has a life outside of the Stardust Crusaders. However, if one were so inclined to read too much into things, Aisha is the name of a character from Romancing SaGa and Khalid is the name of a character from Romancing SaGa 3. But their sprites bear no resemblance whilst Gallahad was a very obvious homage.

Cascada: I'm Cascada. Nice to meet you.
Abdul: The Machine is a friend of mine from Japan. There's a matter that needs our attention in Cairo.
Khalid: Cairo, huh? You still telling fortunes? You'd probably do better for yourself as a magician!
Abdul: I doubt I could handle all the attention! Besides, I'm more than happy with my current profession.
Cascada: (Is he a Stand user?)
Abdul: (No, I started a fire for him once and told him it was a sleight-of-hand trick...)

Khalid: Hm? Why'd you go all quiet?
Abdul: Oh, it's nothing. Still, if that's true, you should make sure Aisha stays out of Cairo.
Khalid: Huh? W-well, yes, of course...

After we have this conversation, we can walk to the other side of the map, and...

Talking to Khalid nets Abdul 1 FP, and Aisha an additional 2 FP.

Aisha only appears if your day count is between 30 and 36, which is pretty normal if you're playing at a reasonable pace. I, a sicko optimizer, had actually never seen this before. I had to sleep at the hotel a whole bunch to get the footage then loaded a save afterwards. Sorry, Abdul.

Cascada: Alright, come on. You didn't fight a hundred horse-mounted assholes, I gotta make sure you can keep up.
Iggy: -growl-

Iggy's at 9 FP, so our first priority is to push him over the 10 threshold.

It's perhaps a bit counter-intuitive, but scolding Iggy here gets the highest FP increase because he was trying to get a rise out of you and you're playing along.

10 FP is where the game considers you "friends", which is important for Iggy in particular. If we switch him out, then talk to him again...

We don't need to bait him with coffee gum anymore!

His skill set expands drastically!!

We can control him directly in battle!!!

Cascada: Nice job, boy.
Iggy: Woof!

The game handles this internally by having two separate party members - designated "Iggy (Mean)" and "Iggy (Nice)" - which is why we had to dismiss and recruit him to get the swap. If you rest at a hotel - which awards EXP to everyone to help them keep up - with Mean Iggy still in your party and his FP over 10, it's possible to see two different Iggys level up simultaneously.

All 18 player Stands are also considered separate "characters". Your chosen portrait and sprites are applied to them afterwards.

Joseph: I feel like we've eaten everything Edfu has to offer already, The Machine.
Cascada: I saw one guy selling snacks, though?
Joseph: Hmmm....

And for the last FP event of the day...

Cascada: Yeah? That sounds good...
Joseph: Eh, I'm not really a fan. This thing is so sweet it makes your teeth hurt!

He did this in the movie UHF, which I admit I've never seen. I hear neither the sandwich nor the movie are very good.

...Something is absolutely insane to me about a Japanese indie JoJo's Bizarre Adventure fan-game made because of a (self-professed!) autistic housewife's hyperfixation having a direct reference to the Weird Al movie UHF. When they did Spaceballs I just went "haha weird" but this just fucking floors me. What a world.

Of course, when we actually bring Joseph to the shawarma place, we don't get the "Joseph treated you" text. Comical.

Cascada: I'm bushed. Maybe I'll actually sleep in the hotel for once.
Steel: ...dangerous Stand user...
Cascada: Oh right...

There's this shaded alley down in the bottom left corner of the map.

The further in you get...

Your SP drops with every step in this zone... not that you'll notice, because it's only a few steps.

Cascada: Hey lady, what the hell?
Amber: ......Ohhh...
Cascada: ...?

Cascada: GAH! Chill!

Cascada: AH! AWAY!! AWAY!!!

I picture this lady shuffling towards you like if one of the zombies in Deadly Premonition was moving at 10x speed.

Joseph: That was easy!
Cascada: man what the fuck

Amber's entire strategy is rushing you and blowing herself up in an attempt to oneshot you with insane damage numbers, so the fight would have been about this long regardless. If we slow down her dialogue boxes, here's what we get:

Amber:

Now get ready to die along wish me this place will become both of our graves as that is Lord Dio's desire...
Lord Dio said he needed me so I will do anything for that man I will even give my life if he wishes it Dio is more beautiful than anyone else how could you ever think of hurting him!?
I will do more for him than that nurse or that granny or that miniskirt lady or anyone ever would I will prove it by sacrificing my blood to him and I won't let you get in my waaaaaaaaaay!!

The nurse is presumably Kate, whom we defeated ages ago, while the granny is surely Enya. We haven't met anyone in a miniskirt, though...

Cascada: Look, I know we're on a deadline, but I don't think I've slept properly in two weeks.
Jotaro: Same...
Joseph: Hrmm... I suppose we should make sure to get rested while we can.

Resting at hotels heals you, distributes a bunch of free EXP to your party members, and might net you a curative or two. Other than that, we've fulfilled a few hidden requirements for some bonuses.

Jotaro: Hear me out, The Machine...
Cascada: -yawn- What?
Jotaro: What if...
Cascada: Yeah?
Jotaro: What if... instead of throwing ONE rock with Star Platinum... I throw a BUNCH of rocks?
Cascada: Get some fucking sleep, Jojo.

Only one event triggers per night, but we're way ahead of schedule. Back to sleep!

Polnareff: What!? So you don't have any tips or tricks?!
Jotaro: Nope. I don't have much experience with Stands to begin with. You've been a Stand user for longer, you'd know better than me.
Polnareff: That's true...
Jotaro: (... But if that worked, maybe I can...)

These are both solid M-range, multi-target attacks. My "Star Finger is Jotaro's only M-range attack" statement from 1000 years ago continues to be proven wrong.

Next time, maybe we'll find out more about this mysterious miniskirt figure. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

33 - The 2nd Runner

2025-05-23T18:02:18.829Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we learned about the Egyptian beer scene and the Mel Brooks movie Spaceballs within the same update. This time, we're starting with a flashback of something that actually happened a few updates ago but I held off on including for pacing reasons.

Chaka: ...It's a sword...

I normally don't like having too many images in sequence with no break but I sure ain't cropping portraits for all of these NPCs.

A random NPC in the previous update was complaining that the bald guy who delivers grain was late. Pretend you saw this stuff first.

Chaka: Can I try?

I'm skipping probably 40% of the text boxes in this segment which are just people going "Huh?" or "Rrrrghh!!" and I still feel like it's too many.

Chaka: Hey, can I try pulling it out?

Chaka: It... slipped out so easily... I barely even tried... But... I think I hear something... coming from the sword...

Chaka: I... I don't know...! I-I-I... I was standing behind you! I didn't do anything!

Mysterious Voice: Calm down... Be at peace, Chaka... You have nothing to worry about...
Chaka: Who... who are you...!? Where is this voice coming from...?
Mysterious Voice: My name is Anubis. The Stand of the god of death, he who guards the world beyond... You unsheathed me... You are now my user. You are a master... Stronger than anyone else... Wield me... to kill!

Peek behind the curtain: I just complained about cropping out portraits for unimportant characters and then remembered the game itself has a placeholder portrait. Oops.

Mysterious Voice: Skewer Joseph... Dice up Polnareff... Slice Jotaro in twain!
Chaka: What are those?
Mysterious Voice: Chiffonade Abdul! Turn Cascada into julienne fries!!
Chaka: ???
Mysterious Voice: You are a master swordsman! You are stronger than anyone... You can cut through anything!

End flashback zone. This sequence happens immediately after the conversation between Alicia and Berlin and right before the scene with Kakyoin in the hospital, so maybe you can understand why I felt like moving it here.

Cascada: Polnareff's at those ruins, right?
Jotaro: Yeah.
Cascada: Let's go, I guess.

The game has referenced the temple near Kom Ombo a few times. It's a notable site because it's a double temple (possibly the only one in Egypt?), venerating two different gods and built to be perfectly symmetrical. One side is dedicated to Sobek the crocodile god (hundreds of crocodile mummies have been found in the vicinity) and the other to Horus the Elder. A bunch of it was defaced because the Copts (remember them?) used it as a Christian church at some point.

Polnareff: Didn't think there were any real men among Dio's lackeys. Tell me your name.
Chaka: My name is Chaka... User of the Stand of Anubis, the god of death... Jean Pierre Polnareff... I'm here to take your life.
Polnareff: Yow! Here to take my life...? How can you say something that cliche with a straight face? You really are macho to the bone... All right, suit yourself. Let's see your Anubis...

The sprites dance around for a bit, maintaining one-tile distance.

Polnareff: (W-what!? It cut straight through the pillar! And yet it didn't cut my shirt... Just my flesh! If I hadn't backed up a step... I'd be dead...)
Polnareff: You piece of shit! Chariot!

Polnareff: (D-damn it... I lost him! Where did he go...? The enemy can attack by phasing through physical objects... My Stand only has a range of about 1 foot, 6 inches... I'm in a tight spot...!)

The string of Anubis boss fights (spoiler: there will be more boss fights this update) is infamous as probably the greatest non-superboss challenge in the game. I even mentioned back when Polnareff first joined that we'd need to keep him juiced for a tough fight. Turns out I misremembered and was only half-right.

Chaka can randomly choose to go out of sight, becoming totally untargetable and healing himself up. Your only recourse is just to attack at all costs while he is visible. It's infuriating.

However, we're really overleveled. I also get a lucky bleed proc which, as established so long ago, does a hugely outsized amount of damage over time.

Using Brainstorm to follow the manga and end the fight for free involves Polnareff revealing his secret ace in the hole: Chariot's sword is a ballistic rapier. He ricochets the blade off the pillars and gets Chaka right in the neck.

This would probably be a bigger surprise if he hadn't had a "darts" attack pretty much the entire time he's been in our party.

Polnareff: Huh? Weird... The sword's been sheathed. Did it get knocked in there by accident? I'll pull it out... But now that I look closely... this sword... It's beautiful...

Polnareff: Huh? ...O-oh... It's you, Mr. Joestar... (M-man... Did I roll around too much? Or is it because of my wounds? I feel kind of lightheaded...)
Joseph: Why are you crouching down like that? Did you step in shit?
Polnareff: Stop teasing me! We aren't even near a bathroom!
Cascada: Not our fault that shit magnetizes to you.

Joseph: What!? An enemy, you say!?
Cascada: Hah! Pay up, Jojo.
Jotaro: Hmph...
Polnareff: He's already done with.
Jotaro: Pay up, The Machine.
Cascada: goddammit

The connection between rodents and cheese comes from the pre-refrigeration days. Most preserved foods would be hung out to dry or packed in jars, but cheese was just left out on shelves and whatnot. That made it easy pickings for rats.

Polnareff: Yeah, sorry! ...? Huh? Rrgh! (That's strange... Now I can't pull it out!)

Joseph: Let's split into groups of three in case the enemy attacks again. I'll go with Abdul and Iggy! Polnareff, you go with Jotaro and Cascada.
Polnareff: Fine by me! Can I stop by the barber first? My hair's getting a little long...
Cascada: Why don't you cut it with your Stand?
Polnareff: ...I-I don't feel like it!

During this scene in the anime, Jotaro's reading some kind of marine biology magazine as a call forward to his future profession. Nice detail.

Jotaro: Hmm... Star Platinum with a sword...
Polnareff: Don't you dare! That's my niche!
Cascada: Honestly, I don't think "ORA!!" really fits with a slicing motion.

Polnareff: Ow, ow! Hey, your razor's dull! Sharpen it, will ya? The best part of going to the barbershop is the shave!
Jotaro: Man, you're annoying.

The barbershop I go to is run by a like 70-year-old Korean guy who doesn't speak English. He does 90% of the work himself and then tags in his middle-aged daughter to use the straight razor at the very end.

Rather than "honk shoo" or "mimimi", I imagine Jotaro "OraOra"-s even in his sleep.

Cascada: All that whiskey I had in town is starting to catch up with me...

Polnareff: What!?
Barber: Hah! It's me, dumbass! The Stand, Anubis! Now off with your head!

Cascada: Can't a girl sleep off a hangover in peace?
Polnareff: M-maybe... The sword itself is the Stand? Is it controlling the barber? So that man in Kom Ombo... wasn't the real user!?!?

Polnareff straight up killed that guy. Sucks to be Chaka.

Barber: I've already got your Chariot's moves and actions memorized! I won't lose to the same opponent twice!
Jotaro: Polnareff... Who's this guy!? Is this barber a...!?
Polnareff: Stay away, Jotaro... T-the sword is the Stand... Hitting it with your Star Platinum's fists is too dangerous... And this barber isn't even the real user! He's just being controlled! And... this Stand... is much stronger than the last time we met!

Second verse, same as the first. Khan won't vanish into the "cannot be targeted" zone like Chaka, but he's got 50% more HP and hits harder. You've got to stop and heal a lot more.

I didn't grab footage of it because this boss rush is annoying as hell, but there's a unique interaction if you didn't use Brainstorm in the previous battle but do use it here: Polnareff's blade eject attack works without Anubis blocking it like in the manga. Because, of course, he hasn't had a chance to memorize it yet.

Polnareff: Phew... Finally, we're safe... Now what? We can't let anyone pull it out again...
Jotaro: You couldn't stop me from pulling it out anyway.
Cascada: Do not you fucking dare.
Jotaro: You all know that I'm the best at it.
Polnareff: He knows all our strengths and weaknesses! There's no stopping this thing!

Cascada: I guess you're right. I'd solo the entire group.
Jotaro: We could dump it in the river.
Polnareff: Of course...!! It can lie eternally at the bottom of the Nile...! That's a good idea!

Someone runs in from offscreen.

Both: Uuugghhh...

Jotaro: How dare you pull it out! That's my thing!
Cascada: Here we go...

Jotaro: You're really starting to piss me off, Polnareff...

Jotaro does what we all wish we could do and punches the cop so hard he flies down the street.

Jotaro: (Still... I never thought I'd have to square off with Polnareff... Chariot is an opponent you can't afford to slip up even once with... And even if I beat it, I could end up killing Polnareff... I need to think of a way...)
Jotaro: Any ideas, The Machine?
Cascada: Keep blasting until he stops moving. It worked last time.
Jotaro: (...If I kill him, that WOULD mean he'll never pull it out again...)

The true boss fight starts here. Polnareff hits hard and has a lot of HP, like any tough boss. Your best bet is to proc some kind of damage over time and then try to keep him stunlocked with BlowBack (aka, Jotaro punching him over and over).

This buff move is the absolute last thing you want to see. Those numbers don't sound like a lot on paper, but Cascada's Spirit right now is hovering around 230. Remember the last time we fought Polnareff? +20 Defense made the difference between 4 damage and 0 damage. Two or three of these and he can outmatch both Cascada and Jotaro in a straight slugfest.

This is enough to outpace any of our curatives that don't just heal up to max. It becomes a battle of attrition.

Finally.

Jotaro: (His speed and power surpasses any other Stand I've met... I-if I don't fight Polnareff seriously, I may die...)
Polnareff: Heh heh heh... Jotaro... You're thinking "if I don't kill Polnareff, he'll kill me", aren't you?
Jotaro: First you pull it out, and now you steal Grandpa's line? I can't let this stand...
Polnareff: I've memorized ALL your moves!
Cascada: My Stand's gonna teach you to eat rocks, asshole!

This motherfucker right here. What an asshole.

He's getting last fight's post-buff numbers without buffing at all.

I didn't buy a bunch of these Pyramid Models last time just as a bit. Most of the souvenir items also have battle effects; they just aren't listed anywhere. This isn't going to keep up with Anubis's memorization skill, but it prevents the gap from widening quite as much.

The game's AI isn't actually smart enough to do this on purpose, but it sure feels like he starts buffing up any time you stop to heal.

Of course, in the end, the mega grinding session does its job.

This was doing 500ish damage in the last fight. That's how much his stats were buffed by the end here.

10,000 EXP is five times what fighting Vins got us. The Badge of Honor is nice, but secondary to another reward for beating this boss that we'll see in the next update.

Jotaro: The Machine. Say something cool.
Cascada: Fuck that. I actually am tapped out this time.

Polnareff: -gasp-! Did I... get controlled by the sword!?
Jotaro: Yeah... But don't worry. IT's been taken care of. Go get Gramps... I'm too tired to walk...
Polnareff: Did I... errr...
Cascada: It's probably better if you don't remember.
Jotaro: Yeah... but let's get one thing straight, Polnareff.
Polnareff: What is it?

Jotaro: I'm the only one who gets to pull it out. Remember that.

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

32 - Bar Fight

2025-05-02T14:43:45.309Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we got a big ol' plot dump not about JoJo Part 3, but about The 7th Stand User itself. This time, we're hitting the road again.

Since the numbers we use in the west are also called Arabic numerals, I was wondering about this. Turns out you'd more accurately call them "Western Arabic Numerals". These are "Eastern Arabic Numerals", aka the versions used in the Arabic alphabet.

Polnareff: 46,350 in Egyptian dollars!? Geez, that's expensive!

19th-century Egypt used the Ottoman piastre as its currency until Muhammad Ali (not that one; the one who basically founded modern Egypt) had the country start producing its own coins and currency. They had a gold coin called the "bedidlik", but as trade with Europe and the UK rose in prominence - spurred by the Cotton Famine of 1861-65 - it eventually became known as an Egyptian pound. In Arabic it's called a "gineih", from the English "guinea" coin. The piastre survives as the 1/100 subdivision (cents, if you will) of the Egyptian pound.

In 1989, the exchange rate between USD and EGP was 1 to 0.87, so this would have been roughly $53,276. In 2025 money (well, March 2025 money, who the fuck knows what's going to happen the rest of the year at this point) this would be $137,092. If the bill were in March-2025 Egyptian pounds, you'd be rung up for about $916 and change.

Kakyoin: I'll be able to take the bandages off in a couple days. I'll catch up with you guys then.
Joseph: All right, but don't push it, Kakyoin! You'd better stay put until it's fully healed!
Polnareff: Yeah! You won't be any help to us if you keep bumping into things!
Abdul: Polnareff!

Kakyoin: I just wish I had some video games to play.
Cascada: I could look around town for something, if you want? I think some merchant had a Japanese console.
Kakyoin: I could never accept video games from you, The Machine.
Cascada: What? I know games! I have a PC-Engine! I feel like I might've heard of something called the Game Boy at some point maybe!
Kakyoin: You still have the cursed Dragon Quest cartridge... it's too dangerous...
Cascada: You know what? Enjoy your hospital stay.

This choice is only available if you have over 10 FP with Kakyoin.

Kakyoin: I sure hope I'm not attacked by any enemy Stand users whilst I'm convalescing... if only a lovely nurse could protect me...
Cascada: ...So where're we headed next, Mr. Joestar?

Abdul: I am told a group of tourists destroyed a centuries-old mausoleum yesterday. A pity...
Cascada: Who could possibly do such a terrible thing?
Joseph: We should keep our guard up. They might be Dio's servants!

Joseph: Hey, you guys wanna do some shopping? ...Huh? Where's Polnareff?
Abdul: He said he was going to pick up some tourist girls at the ruins we visited earlier.
Jotaro: ...Gimme a break. Talk about a one-track mind.
Cascada: Well, as long as he's happy.

Thank god, a hub where everyone's just at the hotel rather than scattered everywhere. I could use a break.

Cascada: Should we really have let him go off on his own?
Joseph: Eh, what's the worst that could happen?
Cascada: What if the enemy has a SECOND mall goth?
Abdul: Unthinkable...
Jotaro: We'd be screwed.

Cascada: Steel, what do you think?
Steel: I can sense a powerful Stand user's presence near the ruins Polnareff went to. I feel an especially strong power... I'd stock up on recovery items and raise your level a bit. Though I sense an ominous presence in town as well...
Cascada: goddammit

We're still on track. At this point, we should be okay just hitting every single FP event. First up, Jotaro.

Cascada: Good thing Mr. Joestar is used to travel. I wouldn't even know where to start figuring out a three week journey like this.
Jotaro: Three weeks...

Cascada: What's up, Jotaro?
Jotaro: ...It's nothing.

I'm not 100% sure what this is meant to be, though the anime has an original scene around this point in the story (right before N'doul) where the Joestar boys talk on the phone with Joseph's wife Suzie Q.

Cascada: Okay, we're good. You can go sit back down.
Jotaro: We didn't even go outside.
Cascada: Yeah, and?
Jotaro: ...Give me a @#S% break...

Kom Ombo is one of the smaller hubs, ellipse-shaped not unlike Baby Park from Mario Kart: Double Dash!!. Interacting with the car will let us move on when we're done.

These days, something like two-thirds of it is sugarcane. They're also looking into building giant solar energy plants out on the plains.

These drinks are some of the more consistent curatives, especially in battle, so having slightly better versions is nice. They heal the same flat amount, but a few extra percentage points can mean a lot.

We haven't seen this enemy icon before. It's meant to be a crosshairs.

Taking advantage of the background like that is some really clever sprite work, I think.

We grinded a ton, so most encounters ain't shit, but Snipers are flat out immune to short range attacks and have a chance to OHKO. They also like to flee.

This game takes place in 1988-1989, which would be right at the tail end of the Soviet-Afghan War. This could be any number of incidents.

The mercenary shop sells much of what the secret shop back in Karachi did, though there is a new addition.

Cascada: Hey Iggy, you know how to throw a grenade, right?
Iggy: woof
Cascada: Nice.

Expensive, and Cascada has the Sun Laser, but we still pick up a few. Couldn't hurt.

The rest of the encounters around are the usual Mounted Soldiers, Elements of Freedom, and She-Zombies. It feels like they've been around forever, but that's mostly because of the hiatus.

Cascada: You ain't missing a damn thing, sister.

Iggy: -glare- woof
Cascada: Hmm...

Cascada: Well, I guess... we're friends?
Iggy: Ruff!
Cascada: Also, I'm the one with all the coffee gum.

There's something funny about being better friends with Iggy - whom we've known for literally two days - than Polnareff, our comrade-in-arms for most of the game. I guess that's dogs for you.

I'll go on my obligatory wiki-walk-fueled tangent about this next time.

Abdul: Iggy is not giving you too much trouble, I hope?
Cascada: Not really. Seems pretty chill.
Abdul: Hmm...

I don't think I've shown this one off yet?

By the way, if you try and use a combo attack while one member is unable to act, it still drains the 100 SP from both characters. Real cool.

Abdul: Oh, if it isn't Tariq! It's been a while.
Cascada: Is he an acquaintance of yours, Abdul?
Abdul: Yes, let me introduce you! This is Tariq, a merchant here.

Abdul: D-don't be stupid! Geez... This is The Machine, my Japanese friend.
Cascada: Are you serious?
Abdul: It was force of habit...
Cascada: Wa alaykumu s-salam... ...Did I get that right?

Cascada: U-uhh...
Abdul: Hahaha... Now, now, don't be a bully. Anyway, I just got into Egypt yesterday.

I have mixed feelings about trying to speak other languages in situations like this. Obviously English imperialism is not great, but is there any way to seem more like a rube than bungling a common greeting? Then again, maybe people find it hilarious, like I do when Joseph shouts English swear words.

Abdul: Yikes, sounds like trouble. Thanks for the heads-up!
Cascada: So Polnareff is like, already dead, yeah?
Abdul: It is likely.

I actually quite like this event, because it's not really attached to a gag or a reference or anything like that. It's simply acknowledging that Abdul would have regular friends and connections in the area. It's easy to get wrapped up in what the protagonists are doing, so this adds a smidge of depth I can appreciate.

There's definitely a bespoke combo with Quicksilver and Abdul, but sometimes you end up with a generic combo animation where they just use a "normal" attack. I'm not sure what causes it.

Abdul: I will catch up with Tariq. It's been quite some time.
Cascada: See you later.

I almost forgot to enter some of these buildings because I played about half of this update before realizing I wasn't recording and had to reset.

Beer is quite popular in Egypt, with local bouza (sometimes referred to as "liquid bread") ranging back to circa 4000 BC. Due to the Muslim restriction on alcohol, Egypt also has a particularly large non-alcoholic beer scene.

Joseph: Er, when you say "maturity"...
Cascada: We're out of here, old timer.

We already have all of these from Aswan.

Cascada: Yeah, I'm sure a novelty mug with my name on it will always remind me of the majestic pyramids of Egypt...
Joseph: Look, The Machine! These novelty pyramids all have different names on them! One even says "Joseph"!
Cascada: -sigh-

I don't know anything about the Egyptian music scene. Instead, have this youtube video about Middle-Eastern music:

Cascada: Spaceballs?
Joseph: It's a Star Wars parody directed by Mel Brooks! Hee hee! He actually plays a couple roles in it, too.
Cascada: Now that I think of it, Darth Vader DOES look a whole lot smaller than usual...

Mel Brooks is still working in the industry at like 98 years old, and I don't think I've ever seen allegations of him doing anything heinous. Though maybe I'm tempting fate.

Also, did you think this game would have a reference to fuckin Spaceballs of all things?

I'm sure this has nothing to do with anything. At this point, we've looped around the entire map.

Joseph: We need to make sure this "mature" lady isn't one of Dio's assassins!
Cascada: Yeah, sure...

Joseph: What do you mean?
Cascada: Hey, can I get a drink?

Cascada: Other than the waitress being in a bunny suit, nothing here seems out of the ordinary.
Joseph: Isn't that a bit strange in itself?
Cascada: Honestly? As long as she isn't a Stand-powered doll, I don't even care anymore.

Cascada: What do you mean, "DYING"!?
Joseph: ooourrrghghgh

The Dying status halves your stats and reduces HP by 3% every turn.

Thankfully, one turn is enough.

The cup on the bar is gone. When we turn to leave, the table attacks us.

Shocking Blue last attacked us in Singapore. It was hiding behind a sewer grate and was quite tough for that point in the game.

Cascada: Do I know you?

If you try the door...

Objects in the bar start flying straight at you!

Cascada: JUST STAY DEAD ALREADY

You can't progress until you've defeated Shocking Blue a good five times. Then, if you try to leave again...

Cascada: Is it the whole "dying" thing again?
Joseph: bluhhhhhh

Comically racist character alert!

Solid out-of-context text box.

She says "monkey" like Frieza does: with a hard M.

Cascada: Hah! She's got you there.
Joseph: I didn't mourn my best friend being crushed under a giant stone cross during the war to take lip from you, kid.

Abdul also has some unique dialogue here if you bring him instead.

The Hong Kong Harbor Bunny Girl was just so popular that they had to bring her back for Season 2.

There's also additional dialogue with Mariska if you're using a male player character, plus the option to fight her 1-on-1. I checked with Jotaro and Iggy, but they don't have anything to add. Back to the main timeline.

Cascada: Man, fuck this.

If we had spent any actual time fighting Mariska, she would have thrown knives to inflict bleed and lamps to inflict paralyze.

Joseph: I can't believe she actually WAS one of Dio's assassins! I must be some kind of genius!
Cascada: -sigh- Let's just go save Polnareff...

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

31 - Ruined Forever

2025-04-11T14:40:59.786Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we explored Aswan and I learned more about the 1860s cotton industry than I ever expected to. This time, we're going to check out these damn ruins everyone keeps talking about.

If you have enough bad karma, you can just straight up mug this guy. No need for Cascada to stoop to that.

Cascada: You ready, Iggy?
Iggy: woof

It's possible you would have met this character before, but I didn't choose the right options to do so. It's also possible for someone else to show up, but it's up in the air if I'll loop back around to show that off in NG+.

Cascada: Uhhh, I mean, okay? I guess??
Iggy: woof

As 7SU is aesthetically patterned off the SaGa series, Gallahad is a reference to a character from Romancing SaGa, which I've never played. His cohort Miriam is buried somewhere in this game too, but I don't believe we'll encounter her this time.

It's pixelated as hell, but note the resemblance in the hair.

Gallahad is not a Stand-user and can't be directly controlled, but he's got a full slate of gun and explosive attacks. He's thus still quite effective against anything with a physical presence.

I think my character class would also be "Adult Man". Into the ruins we go!

The first room of the ruins is a long corridor full of zombies. The way they move means it's extremely difficult to dodge around them, so we're looking at a good dozen or so encounters.

We're so overleveled at this point that this is tedium more than anything else. And as Graham Spector said, "Death to tedium!"

There's a hidden side path that goes straight past all the zombies.

Cascada: Way to sniff that out, Iggy.
Iggy: woof
Gallahad: Are those actual zombies!? I thought my bosses were kidding!
Cascada: I thought you were with the Speedwagon Foundation's private army. Aren't you guys doing shit like this all the time?
Gallahad: I'm in logistics! We're usually just assisting the brave Mujahideen fighters of Afghanistan...

We're back on the main Aswan map, on the other side of the river.

Heading south is a dead end other than this mysterious bloodstain. Eagle-eyed readers may have noticed these before; there's one in every hub. North it is!

Only Stands can defeat Stands. Bullets are useless without a user to shoot them at.

The waterfall and shadows are neat details, I think. Little touches like that can add a lot.

North leads to this larger ruin complex.

Always check the sides, even if you know in your heart there's nothing there.

I have killed 9999 of these guys. They are not a real threat in any way whatsoever. But when you can't control the party? Enormous pain in the ass.

Zombies fucking everywhere. I've mentioned we're playing the "R" patch which strips out all random encounters in favor of overworld enemies, but I'm pretty sure these ruins are still like this in older versions. Again, the chokepoints mean you will end up in some fights.

Gallahad: I will shoot as many rockets as it takes to preserve the sanctity of these ancient ruins!!
Cascada: You good on ammo? I've got a burlap sack of explosives here...

Is it better or worse for a JRPG to have you gunning down a bunch of brown people versus simply not acknowledging them at all?

Gallahad: Are those rocks moving? What is going on!?
Cascada: It's almost refreshing to see someone who hasn't been desensitized to this shit.
Iggy: woof

Tell you what, it's less than I'd spend blasting some zombies. Quicksilver is a thirsty Stand.

At last, we muscle through.

Recognize that sprite?

Cascada: .........
Gallahad: .........
Freu: .........
Cascada: Who??
Iggy: woof

It really does feel like it's been 100 years. We haven't seen Freu since Update 7, which (assuming I'm putting these new ones out at a decent clip) is right around a full year ago. And we all know that post-2019 years count for two decades each.

...For reference, he tried to mug us and we kicked his ass.

Freu: My Stand... Rinocerose's ability is to assemble rocks into a golem! Because of that, harming it will do nothing, suckers! If I hide behind it, your death is certain! Once I kill you guys, I'll be even more awesome! Become stepping stones on my path to greatness... And diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!!
Cascada: My Stand -eats- rocks and turns them into laser beams.
Freu: Wha-

Cascada: Hey, you're still standing. Not bad.
Freu: THAT SHIT AIN'T FAIR

Gallahad: I was briefed on Stands, but this golem is insa- HOW CAN YOU SHOOT LASERS WHAT IS THAT DOG DOING
Iggy: woof
Cascada: Just aim for the user, man.

Gallahad: AHHHHHH-

Gallahad: -HHHHHhhh?
Cascada: Huh. You really just shot that guy in the head.

Cascada: I was just gonna beat him up, man... That is a LOT of blood...
Gallahad: ...I didn't sign up for this...
Iggy: woof

Well, down we go.

We fade in on an ancient burial chamber.

Cascada: ...you fucking killed Utah!
Vins: Oh, thank you. I'd forgotten his name.

If we think back...

Cascada: So no ideology whatsoever, then. Fucking figures.
Vins: Didn't mommy teach you it's rude to interrupt?
Cascada: I AM GONNA-

Cascada: I think you lost any moral high ground once you started turning literally hundreds of people into zombie puppets.
Vins: There are no morals here. I'm just balancing the scales...
Cascada: More non-committal bullshit, huh?
Vins: People are meant to serve their destiny. For this reason... You, Cascada, as an uninvited guest, must be purged.
Cascada: ? ...What are you talking about?

Cascada: ...I don't think I understand.
Vins: The true story... That is... "fate". In this world's fate, the one I know, you do not exist!

Cascada: Fast-forward...?
Vins: If I told you now, you wouldn't understand. It's something both long since past... and far in the future.
Cascada: I'm sorry, but what on earth are you talking about? Are you insane?
Vins: I care not what you think of me. All that matters is that you die here.

Cascada: You tried once in Singapore and it didn't work. You can't handle me this time, either.
Gallahad: I have absolutely no idea what's going on but I'm with you, Cascada!
Iggy: grrr

Vins can and will resummon the adds indefinitely, which could make the fight tough if you elected to bring both AI-controlled party members like I did. However, we have the strongest multi-target attack in the game at our disposal.

Other than Vins and Hanoi Rocks, only the Giant Zombie survives this blast. Wave-Motion Gun is insanely strong, but we can only use it three times before Cascada is running on fumes, and Vins has enough HP to handle it.

Again, only Stands that possess physical objects can take damage from non-Stand attacks, so Gallahad is here more for mopping up zombies than actual damage. Iggy gets hit with Hanoi Rocks' blinding attack on the first turn and barely does anything the entire battle.

There's a unique animation here (by which I mean, a repurposed "mysterious dark circles" animation that's also used for Venom Cannon) for resummoning enemies. It happens for free at the start of Vins' turn rather than using up her action.

It takes a couple rounds and using Absorb Iron to fill up SP, but...

Gallahad: I'll bust out the BIG rockets for this, then!
Cascada: Sorry, I know you can't see it, but uh, the Stand's already down...
Gallahad: O-oh...

Cascada: I don't give a damn about all your "destiny" bullshit, but I bet Mr. Joestar would want to know about a vampire running around. You're coming with us.
Gallahad: (Don't ask, Gallahad... don't ask...)

Gallahad: Ah.
Cascada: -pinches bridge of her nose-
Iggy: woof
Cascada: I... -guess-... I would have done the same...

It sounds like a pretty tight timer and it still ticks during fights, but the ruins map really isn't very big. The actual worst part is that the screen is constantly shaking like that .gif above no matter what you're doing.

With Freu gone, these rocks don't move to block you anymore.

See! Made it in under a minute!

The ruins have completely collapsed. Another cultural artifact destroyed.

Cascada: Come the fuck on, Steel. There's a lot to unpack here and there's no way you don't know something.
Steel: ...Maybe so... but...
Cascada: But?

Cascada: STEEL!!
Steel: Once we defeat Dio... I'll tell you everything.

Gallahad: No offense, but I never want to have to deal with this again!
Cascada: None taken, man. You did good. Let's go, Iggy.
Iggy: woof
Cascada: I wonder if dogs can eat shurbat lisan asfour...

Our job done, we fade to black...

???: ...For the paper trail, "Gallahad" has been given a bonus and some extra PTO.
???: I wouldn't have ever thought of that...

Berlin: We have to fight against our destiny, no matter what. Mr. Steel said he'd find a way to turn things back to normal. Right?
Alicia: He said he'd "keep an ear out for the airwaves".
Berlin: Never was very funny, was he?
Alicia: .........

Alicia: ...I'm sure in those 10 years I missed... Even more peoples' lives have been snatched away by fate...
Berlin: ......
Alicia: When Steel found me in that bathroom, I was an abandoned child... I was dead...

Berlin: To seal away that power, we just have to return this warped universe back to the way it was... That's why we need to hurry to the meeting place.
Alicia: ...Berlin... After that... What's going to happen to us? I'm not afraid to die... I've already died once, after all. But Berlin... If fate is reset, then you...

Berlin: We can outwit this world that was born of accelerated time... We can defeat Dio...
Alicia: We can... change destiny.
Berlin: Yes... the rest is on her.

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

30 - Walking the Dog

2025-04-04T18:33:49.261Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Jotaro baseball pitched a dog at a blind man who nearly killed Abdul and Kakyoin. This time, we're off to a new hub area.

Joseph: Abdul got lucky... The blow to his neck managed to miss his windpipe, so he should be recovered by the time we leave Aswan.
Cascada: What about his carotid artery?
Joseph: The doctor said it looks like a wild dog got into the mashwiyat. That means it's fine.
Cascada: Uh...
Joseph: Unfortunately, Kakyoin... There's a possibility he might permanently lose his sight. He'll definitely need medical intervention...
Polnareff: Man, I'm worried...

Good ol' hotel map. It's been so long.

As noted, we can't party up with Abdul nor Kakyoin here in Aswan. However, if you've got a Support-type Stand, you can heal up Abdul early and take him with you. This is the only way to get a particularly rare item, but we're not worrying about that right now. Possibly ever.

I've read that kushari / koshary is quite popular in Japan, to the point that some supermarket chains sell bento of it (though it's modified for the Japanese palate, natch).

As for pigeons/squab, they've been commonly eaten in Egypt for thousands of years. Ancient hieroglyphs and cuneiform tablets indicate they might be the earliest domesticated bird; geese are the other contender.

Cascada: Know anything about this place?
Steel: According to the Speedwagon Foundation, Dio has been sighted around the ruins to the west of town. Even if he's no longer there, there may be hints as to his Stand's ability... Perhaps even a clue as to his weak points. Kakyoin and Abdul need time to recover, so we should look around town a bit.
Cascada: Wasn't the whole thing that he was holed up in Cairo and wouldn't leave?
Steel: Look, I'm just a radio...

The extra hotel merchant sells the usual low level curatives, with the new addition of Coffee Gum (we'll get to that later). But, sometimes...

Cascada: Hmmm... Kakyoin IS unhealthily obsessed with games...

This'll be a hefty FP boost, which basically doesn't matter anymore as long as I keep Jotaro on top of the rankings like I promised all those months ago. We do still want to keep Polnareff down, though.

The regular hotel merchant sells fruit baskets, which you can give to either Kakyoin or Abdul (the game console is Kakyoin only). You can do this all you like to boost their FP up to 10.

Cascada: Joey's down, so Vins is next...

Jotaro starts in your party by default in Aswan. The XP comparisons are still comically lopsided due to all that grinding.

Time to hit the town.

Aswan has been continuously inhabited for thousands of years, and contains a number of notable quarries that were used not only to build Cleopatra's Needle and the burial chamber in the Giza pyramid but also to film explosions for ancient Egyptian tokusatsu.

Iggy is officially part of the team now, so we've started meeting dogs that aren't doomed to be brutally murdered. As hinted here, he does in fact have his own FP count.

Let's no get ahead of ourselves. We're headed there another time.

I've fought so many of these guys that I'm fine never seeing one again for the rest of my life.

Joseph: Are we going to drop off those fruit baskets?
Cascada: Maybe when I feel like it. Not like they're going anywhere.

Cascada: A random key? No deal unless you tell me what it's for.

Cascada: Asshole.

I wonder if there was a specific design ethos behind the hub maps. Hong Kong was quite densely packed, but a lot of the later towns are enormous and full of empty space. Did NendoTairiku try and match real maps?

Joseph: Hmm... The Machine, maybe we should check out-
Cascada: The ruins? Yeah, I started to pick up on that around the fourth time a random person mentioned it.

Cascada: OH MY GOD I GET IT
Jotaro: I was just saying...
Joseph: If only we could get more specific directions...

Joseph: Hermit Purple!

I think anyone reading this update who regularly plays video games figured this out about ten screenshots ago.

Cascada: Or it's that Vins bitch. She's got an arm cannon waiting for her.
Joseph: Either way, this bears investigating! We should go back and talk to that beggar!
Cascada: Maybe later. I doubt anyone else is willing to pay for that random key.

Teen Shouky is a Gundam name.

Joseph: Mmm, this IS good!

This is also known as teen shawky or teen shooky, but in my neck of the woods this is more commonly referred to as "nopales". Or, if you're feeling white, "prickly pear cactus". It's one of those things good for a multitude of culinary uses depending on when it's harvested.

In the days before synthetic dyes (and nowadays when people are warier of synthetic dyes), the nopal was highly valued not for being good eatin' but because it is the favored host of the cochineal, a parasitic insect. The cochineal produces a specific acid in its body that can be made into a deep red dye called carmine. It was used locally in Middle America for thousands of years and was an extremely lucrative trade good for Spain during the Age of Sail, more valuable than even sugar.

I feel like I've already given the "NPC irony" shpiel before in this LP, so I'll spare you reading it again.
(Editor's Note: It was in Update 13).

I believe the sandbag also last showed up in Update 13. As far as I know, it works the same as back then.

Meanwhile, in another random building...

There is a lot to unpack here, more than even I'm willing to go on a full tangent on. To sum up, Egypt was primarily Christian around when it was a province of the Roman Empire; Alexandria was one of the Pentarchy (the five most important sees). Islam only became dominant religion in the time after the Arab conquest around 640 CE. Cut off from their main governing bodies, Coptic Christians have been a notable minority in the region ever since.

A few churches have shown up in hub towns, or at least I think I brought one up before; you can donate at them to reduce your bad karma score. Cascada may be an asshole sometimes, but she's not a fucking asshole. We're good on karma.

Nubians are an ethnic minority who primarily live in southern Egypt. Here's a Youtube video of a Nubian dance:

Been a while since we've gotten just a good ol' JoJo reference. This guy's a victim of the week from Part 4, possessed by a Stand that only activates if someone sees his back.

We've been heading northeast this whole time, and we finally hit the hospital where our friends are convalescing.

haha im sure this would never be the case in the 21st century right guys

Joseph: Good work! How are you two doing?

Cascada: So... better than being shot in the head?
Abdul: Certainly. I would take having my throat slit any day.
Joseph: You've really been through a lot the past few weeks... Sorry.

Cascada: You'd better. I could have gotten five servings of kushari instead.

Cascada: Oh, here, Kakyoin! It's a Japanese-made game console.
Kakyoin: A handheld game console? Thanks! Is it a Game & Watch?
Cascada: I guess I shouldn't have gotten you something like this if you can't even see right now.
Kakyoin: Don't be silly, Cascada. I know every single Game & Watch by feel alone. I can simply visualize the game mentally.

By the proper series timeline (December 1988), this is a good few months before the Game Boy released in Japan on April 21, 1989. By 7SU's reckoning, this is summer vacation (presumably of 1989), so it could have been on the market a month or two. It's implausible but not impossible for someone in Aswan to have imported one.

Kakyoin: What games did you get?
Cascada: Huh? You have to buy them separately? That sounds like a scam, dude.
Kakyoin: W-without software, this is just a hunk of plastic... I can't play it...
Cascada: Woah oh...

Before you start angrily typing a comment about Tetris, Japan was the only region without a pack-in game for the Game Boy at launch; Nintendo of Japan hates pack-ins. Anyway, I'm amused by the creator of this game latching on to "loves video games" as a core character trait for Kakyoin when it comes up maybe one time in the original story.

With gifts distributed, let's do an FP check.

I know what I said earlier, but Kakyoin's getting a little too high. We still want Joseph in 2nd Place if possible. Eject!

Eagle eyed readers may have noticed that Iggy is also here, sleeping on the couch.

This is why the game plopped 20 of these in our inventory. Iggy refuses to join the active party unless you give him gum.

Guess who wasn't in the party when I did my insane grinding session? Iggy is a solid 14-15 levels behind everyone else at this point, making him appropriate for the intended level curve.

Iggy has a collection of multi-target Stand attacks that tend to inflict status effects and some single-target attacks that are just him biting a guy. Not terrible, though I wouldn't say he really fulfills a specific mechanical niche. We're still taking him along. Gotta show off everything!

Cascada: Is Hol Horse STILL chasing us...? Come on, dude.
Iggy: woof
Cascada: I guess you don't even know who that is.
Iggy: woof

It is the dominant religion in the area, but this of course refers to the Female Zombie encounter becoming more common.

Cascada: I'll come back with Mr. Joestar later.
Iggy: woof

The hospital is in the upper right corner of the map, and if we head all the way south to the lower right corner, we find this guy.

Cascada: Hm? What is it, Iggy?
Iggy: woof

Egyptian cotton production exploded in the 1860s as a concentrated effort to capitalize on the market when the American Civil War started. Union trade blockade of Confederate states cut off the UK's cotton supply, and cotton from India was considered lower quality due to shorter fibers. A 1926 article claims that Egypt devoted almost all of its agriculture towards cotton by 1864.

Iggy has an empty clothing slot, so why not?

Cascada: Here you go, boy.
Iggy: woof

5 points of Durability and some FP ain't nothing.

One more wrinkle about putting the dog in your party: you cannot directly control him. Iggy chooses his own attacks like you're playing Persona 3 or some shit. I never really used him on previous playthroughs for that reason.

These goons are from Part 7, aka Steel Ball Run. Gyro is Italian, hence the song.

The obelisk is unfinished because it got a huge crack down the middle while they were carving it out of the bedrock and they called it a wash. It would have been the biggest one of them all, though.

Iggy: woof
Jotaro: He's not looking so good.
Cascada: Oh right, dogs don't sweat. Head back to the hospital, boy.
Iggy: woof

We swap to Jotaro here to grab a couple unique events.

What's the old adage again? You have to repeat information three times before the player will actually notice?

We've got to be up to like six or seven by now. Regardless, we've got a few more bits and bobs around town before it's time to actually progress.

Jotaro: I prefer Ruth Gordon to Agatha Christie.
Cascada: Hah. You would.

I suppose it would be rude to walk directly past Polnareff without speaking to him.

Jotaro: ?
Polnareff: Okay, okay, we'll just pretend it never happened! Just my overactive imagination, yup?
Cascada: ...What happened, exactly?
Polnareff: C'mon, Cascada! Nothing happened! Can't you take a hint!? Heh heh!
Jotaro: ...?

If you're really brushed up on Part 3, you'll know that after N'dour, the party was attacked by some other enemy Stand-users... who basically defeated themselves without anyone knowing about it. Alas, they don't really make an appearance in 7SU. I guess our rationale is that Cascada was at the hospital with Kakyoin and Abdul at the time?

Your occasional reminder that I am in fact being hounded by encounters the entire time while recording these updates.

Jotaro: Bet you I could pass a CPR course with Star Platinum.
Cascada: I think you'd end up pulverizing their ribcage instead.

Polnareff: Have you found anything, Cascada?
Cascada: Every third person in town wants to tell me about the ruins out west. I've been putting it off.
Polnareff: If you're killing time, wanna go shopping?
Cascada: -sigh- I guess I promised my dumb sister I'd get some souvenirs. Fine.
Jotaro: Sounds boring. I'm gonna go stare out over the Nile instead.
Cascada: Have... fun...?

I think "pyramid power" pseudoscience bullshit was pretty popular in Japan around then. Or at least I always think of Chouriki Sentai Ohranger (aka Power Rangers Zeo) and this one image of seminal mangaka Shotaro Ishinomori:

Cascada: Just one of everything, I guess.
Polnareff: How did you get so much money?
Cascada: Remember how many people we beat up and robbed in that fishing village?
Polnareff: Yes...?
Cascada: You only saw like 20% of them.
Polnareff: O-oh...

Meanwhile, right outside...

Cascada: I just bought some for 500, dude.

Polnareff: What a scam! Real papyrus doesn't tear so easily. Did you think I was an idiot? Even if it was real, I wasn't gonna buy it anyway. Get out of my sight before you get hurt!
Cascada: Harsh.

This event gives a +1 for Polnareff, but 2 FP is still solid wiggle room and sometimes I can't be assed to load a save.

Polnareff: I'm going to keep shouting at local merchants for a while. Care to join me, Cascada?
Cascada: Nah, I promised Mr. Joestar we'd do our food tour thing.
Polnareff: Make sure to let me know if one has a western-style toilet!

Cascada: Already done, old timer. We've got a couple restaurants on the hit list.
Joseph: Let's go!

Joseph: Ooh, it's hot milk, but there are nuts and slices of bread in it... This kind of food is my favorite!

"Omm Ali" means "mother of Ali", and with a name like that you just know there's multiple origin stories for this dessert. Most of them involve celebrating that someone just died.

This is just a good idea for everyone. For a peek behind the curtain, I'm writing this around when DST starts back up and I could really use a good night's sleep.

Joseph: Oh, this is just chicken noodle soup! Delicious!

Ordinarily I'd wag my finger over such a comparison, but I can't exactly fault it this time. This translates as "bird's tongue soup", not because it actually uses tongue, but because of the shape of the orzo in it.

And, for once, Jotaro has a food thing! If you bring him to the Teen Shouky vendor...

Joseph: Let's bring some food back to Abdul and Kakyoin.
Cascada: Sounds good. I guess I'd better get ready to actually check out those ruins, too.

Cascada: Let's go, Iggy. You could use some more exercise.
Iggy: woof
Cascada: Yeah, me too, I guess...

Cascada: .........
Iggy: .........
Cascada: I won't tell anyone if you won't.
Iggy: woof

Next time, we check out those damn ruins everyone wants to tell us about. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

3 - The 7th Stand User

2026-03-20T14:28:29.019Z

(Originally posted March 9, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Thank you all for voting! After all that prologue business that was basically just the first chapter of the manga, we have now entered The Fanfic Zone, that dreamlike dimension where we build our JoJo OC; our JoJOC, if you will. And the first thing we see in this dream is...

Abdul: First off, if there were two guys on the moon and one killed the other with a rock would that be fucked up or what?
->Yes
->No

If you were playing this without a guide, this is where you'd do a whole Buzzfeed personality test that ends with you being assigned a Stand. Some people have put together whole formulas and shit for getting Maximum Stats, but I'm not going to bother. We're just going to beeline straight to the one we want.

You all voted for a Special-type Stand, and each of the three sort of edges into a different class. The short-range Special edges into Control, the middle into Support, and long here into Power. Power was the runner-up, so...

Abdul: Hmm... I think I've got it! Your Stand is...

Our Stand is a Mega Buster by way of s-CRY-ed (which I've never seen). Let's go.

In proper JoJo fashion, Quicksilver is not named after the X-men villain but after the rock band Quicksilver Messenger Service. They are perhaps best known for the Happy Trails album which contains a 25 minute long rendition of Who Do You Love?.

(Aside: In retrospect, perhaps doing a JoJo LP when I know next to nothing about music was a poor decision.)

Abdul: As for your personality type...

I've always felt like these sorts of personality tests - Myers-Brigg, enneagram, horoscopes, the four humours, etc. - are basically cold reading; you're going to latch onto the parts that seem like they fit and ignore the bits that don't. More specifically, this is referred to as the Barnum-Forer effect, where people perceive broad statements on personality as specific to them. Who hasn't let their emotions carry them away from time to time?

That said, I believe this does actually affect the 7th Stand User's dialogue.

Abdul: Oh, and before I forget... Would you mind telling me your name?

Only a few people gave suggestions (my thanks to all those who did), but there were enough that I could toss them all into a proverbial hopper and press the "random" button. If we put everything together...

(Art by the incredible RoseNonsense, send her some commissions)

Cascada: This is a weirdly text-entry heavy dream.

Our newly possessed player character awakes with a start.

Cascada: My dreams are usually more along the lines of "teeth falling out" or "attacked by thousands of hornets while in the passenger seat of a car where the brakes don't work"...

Cascada: The power to cause any CEO on Earth to instantaneously explode?
Steel: ...that would indeed be a special power... but yours is almost as good...

Steel: If you don't believe me, try calling out the name of your Stand from before. It will manifest before your very eyes.
Cascada: Quit stalling and get out here! Do you want me to call the police?
Steel: I promise everything will make itself clear if you just give it a try. Go on.
Cascada: As if it's going to do anything... "Quicksilver"!!

I feel like my reaction to suddenly having a Mega Buster would be more along the lines of "fuck yeah".

Steel: You can see it, I presume? That is your Stand... In layman's terms, it's a superpower. The apparition standing in front of you is an extension of your body, so to speak.

This line makes a bit more sense when your Stand isn't the one that's an arm cannon, I think. Perhaps we'll see that one day.

Steel: Though certain Stands have been known to possess multiple abilities... we refer to Stands such as these as "bullshit"...
Steel: Your Stand will surely become an indispensable ally.
Cascada: But... but why are you doing this? And what exactly are you?

Cascada: Ignore you entirely until you call back?
Steel: No, an IMPORTANT message... like from the hospital or something...
Cascada: Then what do you want with me?

The game will elaborate somewhat later (much later) but this is some primo fanfic OC bullshit right here. The New Girl is part of the plot now, because... she just is. The player was just given context for who Dio is and why he's hunting down the Joestars, but Cascada here is just some teen with no skin in the game.

It's so blatant it loops back around to being kind of acceptable. The whole thing about this game is that you get to be the cool and special 7th Stand User. No need to make any bones about it.

Cascada: I prefer "The Emissary of Hell", myself.
Steel: Me too...

He just said that he's dead! His life was already on the line and got scratched out! Pay attention!

Steel: That's why your Stand is a giant laser cannon that fires pure destructive force...

With that... we can finally play the game! Holy shit!

You've probably played JRPGs, and this is one of them. We're on a grid, we can rest in our bed to restore HP/SP, we can look at our stats and skills in the menu, et cetera. The bookshelf has a manual with the basic controls and a volume of Pink Dark Boy, an in-universe manga by Part 4's Kishibe Rohan.

PDB: A Stand is what most people would refer to as a "superpower" or "guardian spirit". The name "Stand" comes from the way that they "stand" right next to you when activated.
Cascada: Wait, I knew this whole time? Must've been REALLY groggy when I woke up...

Pink Dark Boy goes on to explain other Stand basics. Generally, only Stands can defeat Stands, unless they manifest in an explicitly physical way like possessing an object. Also, a Stand's strength is usually inversely proportional to their range, with the exception of Automatic Stands with simplistic behavior.

The treasure chest in the room contains a Handkerchief, which gives a +1 to all stats and resistance to Poison and Darkness (Blind) status effects.

Cascada: Forget all this Stand business. I can't wait to get home from school and play Sorcerian, the brand new RPG from the highly-acclaimed studio Nihon Falcom, makers of the Ys and Dragon Slayer series!

I definitely didn't have to look up what PC-98 games came out in 1988 because my original joke was about a game that came out in 1990. No ma'am.

If you've read Part 3, we have some long-term foreshadowing here in the form of an impossible minigame.

I have never once succeeded at doing this; if you're going fast enough to reach the goal in 20 seconds, then you're going fast enough that you simply cannot avoid any obstacles in time. Here's how it usually plays out:

It would actually be quite advantageous for me to grind out some wins on Hard mode (you can accumulate up to three Badges of Honor) but fuck that. I can use Cheat Engine later.

That's everything in our room. When we go to leave...

Steel: Whenever you want to change your equipment, tactics, or catchphrase, call me with this radio. Also, if you press [Shift] while on the map, I can update you on the current situation and give you instructions on what to do next. Feel free to call me anytime. Take care now.

Due to what I can only assume are technical backend reasons (most likely due to how party members work), Steel is basically our equip menu. You cannot choose equipment from the pause menu: you have to call up Steel, ask him to change your equipment, and then he'll cycle through each piece one by one and ask you if you want to equip it. This is fine right now and incredibly tedious once you've accumulated more than three pieces of armor.

If we ask Steel for some guidance...

Steel: I have a feeling there's a Stand user very close to the school. Your destinies are no doubt intertwined. Be careful... Dio's servants are sure to be everywhere. They'll do anything they can to erase those who stand against him. If you see anyone moving hurriedly around town, it's best to assume they're an enemy...

Steel: Salaryman trying to catch the bus? Enemy Stand. Granny crossing the road? Enemy Stand. That schoolgirl running with toast in her mouth? It's a fucking Stand. Kill her.
Cascada: Are you TRYING to give me an anxiety disorder?

Also notable is the Tactics menu, which is a sort of soft equip slot that lets us tweak our stats and status resistances a bit. There's Normal, which has no plus or minus, but we also have:
Initiative: Attack +5, Speed +5, Defense -10
Charge: Attack +10, Speed +10, Defense -20
Desperation: Attack +20, Defense -20
Keep Distant: Attack -10, Speed -5, Defense +5
Flee: Attack -10, Speed +10, Long-range Defense +10
Guard: Attack -10, Speed -10, Defense +20

I pick "Flee" for now, correctly assuming Quicksilver's attacks are mostly magical rather than physical. This bites me in the ass for a solid 45 minutes because the basic attack is always physical.

Cascada lives in a nice suburban home with her parents and little sister who have absolutely no personality traits whatsoever. At least she isn't an obligatory anime orphan, I guess. The doors to their rooms are locked, but we can check the loft.

...aka, the New Game Plus room. Any souvenirs in your inventory from previous playthroughs populate this room; otherwise, it's empty.

Cascada: Don't push your luck, kid. I have an arm cannon now.

Cascada: Yeah, someone might mistake me for an Enemy Stand-user...

I do nominally appreciate the "wow, you're up early" calls as a justification for why we can futz around the map indefinitely before progressing the plot. Even if we can still sleep in the bed as many times as we want.

The chest in the kitchen has an F.F. Sports Drink (10%+2 HP/SP), the fridge has an inexplicably unlimited stash of Bottled Water (5 uses, 2%+1 HP/SP) and we can take three Ointments (50 HP and cure Bleeding) from the first aid kit.

...I actually forgot the water was unlimited when I recorded this, so I did a lot of running back home to rest. Cascada is gonna get hydrated when I load my save.

We finally step outside. Cascada's house is in the northwest (upper left) corner of the Japan map. Our objective, the school, is a big fenced-off area in the center. When our heroine simple tries to cross the street...

Goddammit!!

Delinquents are basically the slimes or goblins of the Japan map. There's a bunch of 'em and they aren't really dangerous at all... but we are only at level 1.

Remember that the Flee tactic is lowering Cascada's Attack... but that doesn't affect Quicksilver's Sunbeam. 22 damage is enough to outright OHKO every single mob enemy in this area; having a Mega Buster fucks.

The problem is that it's expensive, at 8 SP. Our total at Lv1 is 35. If my math is right, that's four shots before Cascada has to jog back home and take a nap. Or chug an entire bottle of water.

Immediately south of Cascada's home is the konbini, which sells some basic healing items and basic equipment. Nothing we really need quite yet, and we can't afford it anyway. Dad is stingy with the allowance.

Right after getting back on the road...

Steel wasn't kidding. The instant Cascada got Stand powers, Dio's squad of assassins started mobilizing like it was the end of John Wick 2 or some shit.

Muderdolls (named after... uh, Murderdolls) are a persistent encounter throughout the game, if the "Lv1" didn't give it away. They're a bit more dangerous than Delinquents but mostly by virtue of always appearing in threes; they'll still drop to a Sunbeam like anything else.

You definitely want to prioritize killing any that start to get up in your face though, because...

They will blow themselves up for about 10 damage; nothing to sneeze at when Cascada's max HP is around 50-60. To make things worse, this does mean you lose out on the EXP and money for that Murderdoll.

Another block or so southwards are a couple of locked buildings.

Cascada: I wonder when it'll be open... my sister could use a makeover. Twintails do her no favors.

Cascada goes to say hi to a fellow student, but...

The third and final mob encounter on the Japan map is a pair of Lv2 Murderdolls, who have a bit more HP and a somewhat more annoying attack pattern.

They like to trip you, which has a chance of causing the Dizzy status and causing you to lose your turn. The chance is low enough that you're probably not going to get stunlocked or anything, but it's definitely annoying. And being annoying to the player is the most heinous crime any video game character can commit.

Now we're cooking. Heat Ray costs a whopping 15 SP - by the end of this update, we can barely cast it three times - but...

Encounters in Japan top off at 20 HP. The first boss has 170.

Remember how in Final Fantasy IV, Tellah had all the big Tier-3 nuke spells but each one cost a whole third of his MP pool? This reminds me of that, but we're only going to improve. The Machine cannot be stopped.

East of the 7-11 is this building.

As far as I recall, most maps don't even have one of these. It's more for culling your inevitably bloated inventory in NG+, I think.

Even so, we poke around, and on one of the bookshelves in the corner...

Nice. There's a random pool of items that can show up for sale, but we couldn't afford the Good Potions anyway. This is the same skill Jotaro had in the prologue; it's free to cast and heals Confusion, Sleep, and Fear statuses. Getting it for cheap is a nice bonus.

We run back home for another nap and then head due east along the top edge of the map.

Guess Jotaro's taking the long way to school this morning. He wouldn't dare hop a chest-high fence.

How could an explosion not leave even a corpse? Creepy. Good thing this isn't related to us at all. (It actually isn't)

He's across from a side gate in the fence around the campus. This is just a bit of flavor; it doesn't matter how you enter the school, as far as I know.

Further east, at the upper right corner of the map:

Oh hell yeah. Time to get some Super Hang-On in.

Unfortunately this is the shittiest arcade ever. If I walked into a place where it looks like a gang brawl happened ten minutes ago, I'd probably walk right out. But I guess I don't have a Heat Ray.

God, looks like the bathroom is leaking too. I currently have 5-foot-square holes in my wall and ceiling and a completely unusable bathroom due to a leak, so just seeing that puddle fills me with dread.

The games give your stock beeps and boops, and one of the Delinquents will attack you if you bother him. Around here is where I switch my Tactics back to Normal, which allows Cascada's basic attack to do around 10-14 damage instead of 4-6.

One of Dio's assassins wouldn't be doing something this conspicuous, right?

???: Ichfindeeinepersonmitubernaturlichermact... Herausundermordeihn...

Google Translate tells me this is basically her saying "I'll find someone with supernatural powers and kill them". Seems on the up-and-up.

???: ..."Watch your temper". You should try to calm down and take it easy.
Cascada: That's it?
???: You get what you pay for.
Cascada: Forget the Super Hang-On, I'm outta here.

In the next enemy encounter:

That fortune-teller hit us with a status effect! That charlatan! Fortunately all it does is help us finish this encounter quicker before wearing off. We start heading down the right-hand side of the map.

Part 4 enjoyers might recognize this goon; the sack makes a cat meow sound. Guess Cascada ain't worth scamming, because this is all he says.

A bit further down we get to a hospital. I'm pretty sure we'd respawn here if we were knocked out, but I guess I'm just too good at this game to know for sure. More likely it's just a Game Over screen.

For the whole stay? Damn. It costs me $400 to even go to the emergency room; who knows how much treatment would cost. When I got my appendix (that the surgeon described to me as, and I quote, "gangrene all the way up") removed, it was something like $1600 with insurance - and this was still when I had my parents' Good Insurance. Without, it would have been something along the lines of $25,000.

...I made myself depressed.

The bottom edge of the map has this forest maze, but the entrance is further west. We pass by a few more buildings on the way.

Hey, it's that cafe. Looks like that one waiter did quit after The Polaroid Incident. Can't blame him, really.

Restaurants are going to be our most economical source of healing once we're in the game proper, because they affect the whole party at once. A single potion that heals 20 SP runs for about 50G.

Meanwhile, cameos spotted.

Cascada: My dad told me that in America, they can turn right on a red light. Fucked up.

My understanding is that the stock "kids hate their veggies!" food in Japan is green bell peppers, due to their bitterness. The reason I hated veggies as a kid was because my mom always cooked them from frozen in the microwave and they ended up soggy and mushy. You gotta burn the shit out of that brassica, it can take it.

This also reminds me of the wacky ingredient intros on the original Iron Chef.

Wise words, Chairman.

If we hook south from the cafe, we can start navigating the forest maze.

It leads to... another locked building.

Damn. Out of literally any fictional restaurant I've ever seen, this is the one I want to eat at the most. That spaghetti would definitely fix me, right?

And with that, we've explored all of the Japan map besides the school, our plot-mandated destination. There definitely isn't anything else to check out. Not a bit.

.......fine.

Stand Notes

It seems that whoever used to live here was gathering info about different Stands.
Dan Penn: My own Stand. Remote-controlled. Takes the form of countless levitating hands. Can turn memory fragments into physical records.
Murderdolls: Allows dolls and mannequins to be controlled from a distance by attaching a strand of hair. Does not transmit damage to the user.
Alhirt: An automatic Stand that takes the form of many large, insect-like entities called Green Hornets.

Diary

It's a scrapbook-style diary. Half of the contents are burnt to ash... There's a photo of a young woman and a much older man. Are they father and daughter? They seem very happy.
...It's that bow and arrow... That's the cause of this whole catastrophe... It has the power to awaken latent Stand powers... I'd tested it many times to no ill effect, but that day was different... an unbelievable thing occurred. The arrow broke apart, scattering pieces of it everywhere. I don't remember how it happened... It was almost like it shattered on its own.
...That was when it all started. Bizarre accidents began occurring around town once after another. Things that seemed like they couldn't possibly have been the work of human beings. Then, today, I received a visitor. He, too, was a Stand user. The man introduced himself, then, in a detached tone of voice, began to say...
"I apologize, but you know too much about my powers. I came here to dispose of you."
That man is my murderer... Using my Stand, Dan Penn, I was able to transcibe my final thoughts into this diary. That arrow has caused many new Stand users to appear, and so has sparked many disasters... This is my penance for my irresponsible deeds... Watch yourself from now on... Watch out for 'Stand Users'...

Cascada: Hey Steel, do you have anything to say about this?
Steel: BEEP BEEP THIS IS A PRERECORDED MESSAGE
Cascada: Asshole.

If you're brushed up on your JoJo, you probably have an idea of who blew up this building and killed Steel. Weirdly enough, it's not actually important to the plot of 7SU. Like, at all.

Next time, Cascada actually goes to school like everyone told her to.

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

#lp-7su

29 - It's Rough and Gets Everywhere

2025-04-11T17:40:22.863Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

To all returning readers, thank you. It's 2025 and enough horrible shit is happening that it's either work on this doomed project or sink into despair. Or both, I guess?

Recap: After making landfall in Egypt, we faffed about a hub map, grinded until the letters on my keyboard was worn off, and put a bullet in Joey for good.

Polnareff: Hey! What's that!?
Joseph: Oh, looks like it's here.

I brought up at some point the concept of sprites in this kind of game not being to scale, and this is a great example. The helicopter seems enormous, but if the character sprites are accurately sized, then this helicopter is roughly to scale. Meanwhile, the dune buggy for the entire party is only two tiles.

Cascada: I feel like I've seen that logo before...
Joseph: It's a Speedwagon Foundation copter.
Jotaro: As in the people taking care of Mom in Japan? It's owned by an old friend of yours, right?
Joseph: A friend of my grandfather's. He was basically my weird rich gay uncle.
Kakyoin: Uh...
Joseph: No relation to the rock band.
Kakyoin: Ah. Naturally.
Jotaro: Don't tell me we're flying again...

Worked out great for all the other bystanders so far.

Kakyoin: So why is that helicopter here?
Joseph: They're bringing someone to assist us on our trip.
Cascada: What? A new member!?
Cascada: Is this guy supposed to be the 6th?
Abdul: Whatever do you mean?
Cascada: Well, I'm the 7th...
Polnareff: ?????
Cascada: -sigh- Forget it.
Joseph: He's got a bit of a personality problem, so it took a while to convince him to come.

Kakyoin: You know him, Abdul?
Abdul: Yes... Quite well, in fact.
Jotaro: Hold on. When you say an assistant, you're of course referring to a Stand user, right?
Joseph: Yes... The user of a Stand called The Fool.
Cascada: The Fool...!

You get this type of redundant line fairly often in translated works, where a loan word or phrase is immediately followed by an explanation of its meaning. They tend to stand out as a hallmark for when a translator is either doing it for free, phoning it in, or hasn't been given adequate resources by the client. Legends of Localization has a great article on the subject, as usual.

Polnareff: Don't act so tough!
Abdul: I read the backlog! All you've managed is to defeat so far is an orangutan, a mall goth, and a rapist! The power scalers think you're a joke!
Joseph: Hey, cut it out already! The door is opening!

Jotaro: So which one of you is the Stand user?
Cascada: A name would be great, too. I have trouble telling you white people apart.

Jotaro: I said... which one of you is the Stand user? Is it you?
Cascada: Which one do you mean?
Jotaro: ...I'm asking the questions here.

Jotaro: ? He's in the back seat? Doesn't seem like anyone's there.

Bluepoint Games are cowards for renaming the "Sticky White Stuff" in Demon's Souls to "Sticky White Slime" in their remake. Among other problems.

Joseph: Don't get any closer! Didn't I tell you he has a bad personality!?
Abdul: Polnareff! You can't beat him.

Kakyoin: A dog!?
Jotaro: Are you telling me this dog is...!
Joseph: Yes! That dog is the user of The Fool!

We've already established that non-human creatures like orangutans or Joey can have Stands, so why not a dog?

Polnareff: D-dooooooog!!
Joseph: His name is Iggy! He really likes to chew on people's hair. We're not sure where he was born, but we found him in New York. He had a bit of a reputation as the mutt that no dog catcher could capture.

I have never been a pet owner, but my understanding is just that all pets are like this.

Polnareff: You little shit! I'll teach you a lesson! Let's rumble!! Silver Chariot!

Kakyoin: A four-legged creature with a Native American headdress... Wait, the back legs are tires!! Now that I think of it, we did meet an orangutan Stand user in Singapore...
Polnareff: I'll cut you to pieces!

Polnareff: Tch! It turned into sand! I... can't cut it!! O-oh shit!! It trapped my sword! I can't mooooove!!
Abdul: To put it plainly, it's a Stand made of sand.
Jotaro: Hm... Guess simple is best sometimes. I don't even think I could beat it...
Iggy: Grrrrrrrr...
Polnareff: Yikes!! H-help me out here! Ack! My hair!! C'mon! Get it off meeeeee!!
Abdul: Do you have the stuff he likes?

Abdul: Goodness, he has a sharp sense of smell. He's already picked up on it!
Cascada: What is that, Abdul?
Abdul: Coffee-flavored chewing gum is Iggy's favorite. It's his biggest weakness.
Cascada: Is that safe for dogs?
Abdul: No. We give him six weeks left to live, at best.
Kakyoin: O-oh...

PSA: Do not give your dogs chewing gum. If they aren't outright poisoned by the artificial sweeteners, they're liable to end up with intestinal blockage.

Joseph: He loves coffee gum, but he's not so much a fan of people.
Abdul: At least take the wrapper off first!
Kakyoin: Er... I dunno if he's going to help us. 💧
Jotaro: Give me a break.
Polnareff: Damn it! My hair! We're taking him with us!? Over my dead body!

We've been on hiatus for a while, so a refresher on our Friendship Point goals: Jotaro won the Best Buds poll way back on Cohost, so we'll make sure to keep him in the lead at all times. I want to keep Polnareff below 10 and Joseph above 10 for the purposes of a later event. Thus, a +3 to Iggy's FP and -1 to Polnareff's sounds great right now.

Polnareff: Whaaaaat!? You're joking, right!?
Cascada: To tell you the truth, I'm kind of a dog person. Here boy!
Iggy: ............
Kakyoin: He's completely ignoring you...

Cascada: Tch...
Cascada: I guess it's true that dogs eat dog food...
Iggy: !!
Cascada: ...?

Cascada: Aaand it's more school uniforms. Of course.
Both: Perfect.
Cascada: Give me a @#S% break...
Joseph: ...Wait, before you go... About my daughter... How is Holly doing? Answer me honestly.

Jotaro: .........
Abdul: ...31 days, huh...
Kakyoin: With that amount of time...
Cascada: We should have just enough time to search Egypt!
Polnareff: He's got no chance against us!

Joseph: !! 9 people, you say!?

Place your bets on how many updates it'll take us to get through all nine. I genuinely don't know yet myself. Hell, we'll round up and bet on how many updates it'll take before we defeat Dio and hit credits. I'll Venmo one American dollar to whomever gets closest.

Polnareff: So are they Stand users or not!?
Kakyoin: What does this mean...? Abdul?
Abdul: I... I don't understand....... I really don't... 9 people...?
Cascada: Is it that big a deal?
Abdul: Besides Dio, there shouldn't be any other tarot Stands left...
Cascada: Could they be assassins, like the ones we encountered earlier?
Kakyoin: But Dio doesn't seem the type to go through the trouble of inviting normal people to his mansion...
Cascada: I meant all the other Stand-using creeps we've been fighting off this whole time.
Kakyoin: Who?
Cascada: Like that doll assho- ugh, look, never mind, forget it.

Hey, considering current pace, that's totally doable. We've gone through 17-ish (depending on how you're counting) within 19-ish days.

Joseph: You'll have to wait until his gum's flavor runs out, then lure him out with another piece.
Iggy: Grrrrrr...
Polnareff: All right, geez, I get it! Don't get mad! Damn it!

The game gives us an opportunity to save here. If the Brainstorm command didn't exist, it would be so easy to permanently screw yourself over like I did as a kid in Final Fantasy Tactics.

Abdul: It doesn't seem to have been attacked with conventional weapons.
Kakyoin: It's like it just dropped out of the sky...
Joseph: Speaking of... The Machine, do you still have...?
Cascada: My burlap sack of explosives? Yeah. Pretty sure I put the nuke in there too.
Joseph: ...please be careful with that.
Cascada: Hey, if someone else wants to handle everyone's collective money and inventory, step right up.
Kakyoin: Err, no thank you...
Jotaro: Sounds boring.
Polnareff: I'm not touching anyone's dirty clothes!

Jotaro: Look! It's the pilot. ...He's dead. He left scratch marks on the side of the helicopter...
Joseph: Don't get too close! This may be an ambush.
Jotaro: ...! ...It's water. There's water running out of his mouth...? There's so much water... All this is coming out of his mouth...? ...No, it's from his lungs! There's even a fish!

Abdul: Hey, are you all right!?
Polnareff: Hey! Hang in there!! What happened to you!?

Polnareff: What!? You need water!? Abdul, bring me that canteen!
Abdul: Hey! Stay with us! Here's water! Drink it slowly...

It is of course a function of how these stories work and also often hilarious, but the main characters' total lack of awareness gets a bit eye-rolling at times.

Of the one or two of you reading this who aren't familiar with JoJo, did you expect these two guys to live? Be honest.

Now's a good a time as any to bring up Diesel, a single issue 1997 American knock-off of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. Despite having a completely different metaplot (as much as there can be in a single issue, anyway), the events themselves are pretty much identical to what happens in this update. There's something deeply comical about 90s-ass American comic book dudes talking about Stands.

Why this segment in particular? The writer of Diesel was referencing a fansubbed copy of the 1993 OVA adaptation of JoJo, which starts here before jumping ahead to the final showdown with Dio. Here's a panel from this very moment in the story:

Cascada: This Stand must've crashed the helicopter!
Joseph: D-damn! The Foundation members had nothing to do with this... yet they were attacked! Abdul, did you see the Stand!?
Abdul: No, only the hand... But it must still be in the water bottle! I never saw it come out! Who is the user...? One of the 9 people from Dio's mansion? But according to the tarot, there should only be The World left...
Cascada: Are you still on that tarot card Stand shit!? I've been here the whole time!
Abdul: Do not disrespect the tarot!!
Joseph: Jotaro! Search for the user!
Jotaro: Way ahead of you. But I'm not finding much...

Kakyoin: Polnareff. Attack the canteen.
Polnareff: M-me...? B-but he pulled the pilot's head into that tiny water bottle... If I made a hole in it, then... -gulp-!

Polnareff: Cascada, you shoot it!
Cascada: What? No way. Jotaro, use Star Finger!
Jotaro: Hell no. Gramps, grab it with your Stand.
Joseph: Forget it! Abdul, burn it!
Abdul: I cannot tell what my fire may do to this water... Iggy, it is time to prove yourself as part of the group!
Iggy: -grrrr-
Kakyoin: ...? What's that sound?

Polnareff: Ah! Ka...! Kakyoin!
Cascada: His eyes!

An assassin who controls water based in the Sahara? Seems like a real feast or famine gig.

Cascada: I give you permission to say something weirdly misogynist just this once!

This is a good ol' hopeless boss fight. As per usual, you can kill it for a Badge of Honor, but it's unreasonably difficult. The Water Claw has ridiculously high speed and defense.

Cascada's brand new attack does a fair bit of damage, but we can't keep up sustained fire, even with Polnareff dumping SP restoratives down Cascada's throat.

Also, it's got a one-hit kill move.

We'll let the game have its way this time.

(beep-beep-beep-beep-beep!)

Jotaro: If it was a TAG Heuer, it woulda survived...
Abdul: That's it! He's detecting us using sound!

Polnareff: A-a-a-aaauuuggghhh!!
Abdul: IT'S USING SOUND! BE QUIET, POLNAREFF!!
Joseph: I'm pulling them in!
Cascada: I-it dove under the sand...

Polnareff: H-how is Kakyoin?
Jotaro: Not good... He may lose his vision permanently. Start the car. We need to get him to a doctor.
Cascada: ...Shouldn't we stop talking out loud...?
Joseph: Absurd. Keep narrating everything you're doing.

???: They're catching on quick... They must know I use sound to track them. ...Heh heh... Unfortunately, it won't help them one bit...

N'Dour: (He's predicting my Stand's attacks with that nose of his... It must know that I, N'Dour, am somewhere 2 1/2 miles west of them... What should I do...? Eliminate that dog first?)
Abdul: A-aauuggh! I-I'm slipping!
Polnareff: Move to the back of the car!
Iggy: Zzz... -snrk-... Zzz...
N'Dour: (Heh heh... Nah. I'll leave him be.)

Joseph: Ready, everyone? Like we practiced... 1, 2...
All: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuggghhh!!

Joseph: Kakyoin, you didn't join in! You ruined it!
Polnareff: He's still unconscious and bleeding out!
Joseph: I didn't jump into a snowy ravine and make a rope out of icicles during the war to take lip from you, kid.

Joseph: (Can't make...)
Jotaro: (A sound...)
N'Dour: (Heh heh... It's too late to keep quiet... I already know where you landed. Hm!?)

I've touched on the subject of how Stand battles evolve over time before, and this is a good example. The enemy Stand can't simply be defeated in a pure contest of strength; the heroes have to figure out how it works and use the tools they have at their disposal to gain the advantage.

Abdul: Magician's Red!

Joseph: A-Abdul...!
Abdul: So... so strong...
Cascada: Abduuuul!!

Well, he had a good second run while he lasted.

N'Dour: (I'll have to listen more carefully from now on. Those "steps" must've been rings or some such... And these burns... That must've been Abdul. He's collapsed...)
N'Dour: Let me put you out of your misery, Abdul!
Polnareff: A-Abdul!!
Joseph: Ah!!
Polnareff: J-Jotaro!

N'Dour: (Still, I should be careful... I've heard of the Joestar Family Secret Technique...)
Joseph: (Oh! It dove back into the sand! It's going after Jotaro! It's a good thing Abdul isn't being attacked further, but... H-he's gaining on him!)
N'Dour: (They say that Jotaro's Star Platinum is the most feared Stand of all... If I eliminate him, Lord Dio will surely be pleased! I'll put my entire mind and body into defeating Jotaro!)

Iggy: -snort-
Jotaro: Gimme a break, you... You hopped out of the car before the enemy attacked... So you can sniff out where they're gonna strike from, right?
Joseph: Don't just stand there, Jotaro! Keep running! What are you doing!?
Jotaro: All right... Help me out here Iggy. Tell me where the enemy is! If I get attacked now, you'll die, too! Sorry, but I don't have any gum to give you...
Iggy: Au...... Awooooooooooooooo!!

Jotaro: (Star Platinum with wheels and wings would be badass...)
Joseph: It looks like he's okay for now... It looks like he's going to keep flying through the air and use the dog to locate the Stand user...! As long as he can find the user, he should be able to beat it!

Every time Jotaro drops here, there's a bit of screenshake to hide the sprites despawning and respawning. Clever.

Based on what I've heard from dog owners, the animals just fart constantly all day long without a care in the world. Granted, so do most humans. We just don't talk about it in polite society.

Jotaro: Whatever... Looks like I'll have to kick off the ground and give you a little push...
Jotaro: (If I'd known this would happen, I would have fed you some beans for the extra propulsion.)
Iggy: -pant, pant, pant- Yip! -pant-

It doesn't come up very often, but Star Platinum can kick almost as well as it punches.

N'Dour: (...I see. So that dog's Stand... can glide through the air? ...And it's heading in my direction! Jotaro... I'll have to do something about him before he reaches me...)
Polnareff: Ack!! That Stand's going after Jotaro now! He must have heard that kick! W-what should we do, Mr. Joestar!?

Cascada: We're all going to have to make some sacrifices to defeat Dio!
All: NO!!
Cascada: Killjoys.

Sure, I wanted to dramatically blow Joey to hell, but the main reason I grinded like a freak was to get this snippet of dialogue on camera. It is completely unreasonable to naturally be at level 45 at this point outside of NG+.

Several player Stands get unique dialogue here, and a couple are long-range enough to directly assist in the upcoming boss fight. Alas, Quicksilver isn't one of them.

Jotaro: He's using the sound! It's like the sonar in a submarine!
N'Dour: I can hear you, Jotaro! I've figured out your exact position and height!! Shoot to kill!

Perhaps it is a slight on my Let's Player's Honor, but we can't deal with this one either. It's just a bit too likely for the Water Claw's OHKO move to hit Iggy and force a game over.

Iggy drops straight down, dragging Jotaro across the sand!

N'Dour: Bwahahahahahaha!! He's a smart one! He's dropping Jotaro right in my Stand's grasp, all to save himself!
Jotaro: S-stop, you shitty dog!
N'Dour: You found quite an ally in that selfish dog, Jotaro! This is the end, Jotaro... And Iggy, you have my thanks! Die!!
Jotaro: There's only one way to fix this...

Jotaro: You'd better both get your Stands out now if you don't want to take the brunt of the collision.
Jotaro: I threw that dog so hard it could pierce a half-inch of steel plate...
N'Dour: (This force... Not good! It's coming right for me! I'll have to withdraw my Stand from Jotaro's location!)

N'Dour: (N-not bad, Jotaro... I never expected you to throw the dog... Damn! I was just one shot away from stopping Jotaro for good... Ah!!)

N'Dour: (Where are you!? Where!? He has to be close! Where are you hiding!?)
Iggy: Yip!
N'Dour: Ah!! I see... You were much closer than I even thought... If I didn't retrieve my Stand to protect myself, you'd have attacked me from the back already...
Jotaro: Doesn't matter. Bet I could out-punch water anyway...
N'Dour: Care to find out?

He places it straight up, and lets it slowly fall over...

As far as I recall, Jotaro is seen sans hat only three times across the whole series. The first is in that first chapter of Part 3, where he's in a jail cell. Right here is the second. I don't recall if we see the third in this game.

Jotaro: What!? His own Stand... Why!?
N'Dour: Jotaro... you... were planning on getting me to divulge information about the other 8 Stand users, were you not...
Jotaro: Nah, I don't give a shit about them. I just wanted to slowly torture you for attacking my hat.
N'Dour: ...oh...

Jotaro: ...Dio!! Why do you follow him blindly! Even when it means death...
N'Dour: Jotaro. I'm not afraid to die... Heh heh... Because of my Stand, I never feared death even as a child... I could kill anyone, and the police wouldn't be able to do a thing... I'm sure that dog knows what I'm talking about...
Iggy: -grrrrrr-

N'Dour: I can remember EVERY DETAIL about our first meeting...
Jotaro: Give me a @#S% break...

N'Dour: I'll tell you one thing only... My name is N'Dour. My Stand is symbolized by the inspiration for tarot... the 9 Egyptian gods of prosperity!
Jotaro: Egyptian gods!? What are you talking about!?
N'Dour: Hahaha... That's all... I can tell you... You've defeated my Stand... So I'll give you that honor...

The thing about Egyptian gods inspiring tarot is somewhere in-between only nominally true and an outright lie. Playing cards in general originated in China and spread westward, with Europe getting ahold of the concept via trade with the Mamluk Sultanate (~13th century Egypt). Supposedly, the oldest surviving set of playing cards originates from that area.

What we think of as "tarot" these days - so, the Major Arcana and whatnot - originated in Renaissance Italy. Artists were commissioned to make fancy decks of cards with stylized depictions of gods or other concepts. During the Italian Wars, this style of card spread to France and became relatively standardized as the "Tarot of Marseilles".

Don't I fucking know it. I don't even want to think about how much work the rest of this LP will take.

Jotaro: ...Explains a lot about The Machine, actually...
Jotaro: Hey. Iggy. Want some gum?
Iggy: Rrrrrrr...
Jotaro: Don't get mad. I said I was sorry.

To this, Iggy runs offscreen.

...and runs right back!

Iggy: (grin)
Jotaro: I-it's... gum... There's gum on the brim...
Iggy: -snicker-
Jotaro: This dog... Is really something else...
Joseph: Heeeey!! Jotaro!
Polnareff: Jotaro! Are you all right!?
Cascada: Where's the enemy!?
Iggy: Awoooooo!

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

28.5 - Behind the Curtain

2025-03-13T23:15:45.823Z

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

To commemorate the first update in a post-Cohost world, I'm going to take a moment to talk about making this damn thing in the first place.

I know that these days most people interact with Let's Plays in a "background noise video" role, but if there's anyone like me out there, sometimes you don't want just background noise. You want something you can binge read that's interesting enough to keep your thoughts occupied away from the troubles of the world, tapping spacebar until it's time to click the "next chapter" link.

...No? Just me? Ah well, nevertheless.

As I note in the intro/TOC post, the screenshot/text LP is inherently better suited for long RPGs because I can more easily cut out all of the downtime and endless grind battles for your viewing pleasure. It lets me showcase chunks of the game more selectively, and also permits me room to go on long tangents or discuss things in more detail. Ordering screenshots is also certainly not as labor intensive as proper video editing (which is a skill I do not as of yet possess), but it was rather tedious to get it done back in the Cohost days.

The Process:

Play a chunk of the game, recording it with OBS.
Go back through the video, taking screenshots of everything that seems notable, including all the text boxes.
1. If there's a sequence that warrants it, I'll take a .gif.
I open up Obsidian and put the screenshots in a corner of my monitor so I can tab through them as I go.
I write the update!
1. I drag and drop screenshots into Obsidian, adding commentary and cringey jokes as I go. When there's too many text boxes in sequence, I'll transcribe the text instead.
2. I copy-paste character portraits from earlier updates. I've got a master list of all of them, since if I dragged them in fresh each time they'll be duplicated in my attachments folder that many times.
  1. If need be, I'll crop a new portrait out of the game's files.
3. Eventually, I hit a stopping point. Update done!
On Cohost, I could copy-paste the text of the update into the post window. Obsidian is also in Markdown, which was quite helpful. But what about the images?
The "Fun" Part.
1. In Step 5, all the images would be copied into cohost as just their file names, but said files were timestamped screenshots.
2. Cohost only let you upload four images at a time, so in a draft post, I'd do just that.
3. In the saved draft, I'd pull down the image links, paste them into my HTML code to size them down for ease of reading, and paste that into the post by comparing the timestamps.
4. Minus character portraits, an average update has somewhere around 200-ish images. Yes, I did it four a time the entire time.

I never asked, but I have a suspicion that perhaps I uploaded more image files onto Cohost than anyone else, even visual artists, just due to the sheer volume. I suppose now we'll never know.

Why do it this way? I had it in my head that because the LP was on Cohost, all the images should also be stored on Cohost. Great move in retrospect. Cohost's death took all the images with it; I had a ticking clock until the LP was gone forever.

Naturally, I procrastinated. Having the rug pulled out from under me like that was a real blow to motivation. Only as the hard deadline of the site's permanent death loomed did I roll up my sleeves and get to work.

The Reconstruction Process:

Go into edit mode for every update on Cohost, copy the entire text, and paste it into a fresh Obsidian note.
1. Because I used HTML to embed all the images, they still showed up visually in Obsidian. Genuinely quite convenient.
I still have all the files on my computer, so... upload them on an image host elsewhere.
Replace every single image URL in the HTML of every single update with the image's new URL from the hosting site.
1. one
2. by
3. one

There were a couple tools I used that made this much easier, though the tedium could not be entirely removed. For character portraits - because they repeated perhaps dozens of times per update - I used a tool that let me run multiple find-replace searches simultaneously. I plugged in the code for every individual portrait, then just ran every single post through that.

I used another tool that added a prefix and suffix to every new line of text pasted into the box, which let me mass add the appropriate embed codes for an entire update's images at a time. On Cohost, I had the images set to show at 80% size, which looked about right to me based on the size of my window while browsing the site. Most of the updates on this site were set to 85%, because I figured the window here was bigger. But between Updates 19 and 20, I changed it from 85% to 65%, which I think is a much better size for readability. Alas, I don't think I'll go back and fix the rest.

From there, it was just going through one update at a time. I'd say replacing every image link for one update took somewhere between 45 and 60 minutes, which doesn't sound like a lot but was at the exact shitty cross-section of incredibly boring while also requiring a baseline of attentiveness. I'd usually do it while listening to a podcast or something.

As of me writing this, I haven't fully built a new update in a post-Cohost world, but I don't imagine it being too different of a process. At least I won't have to upload only four images at a time anymore!

Other weird notes:

The normal character portraits are 48x48 pixels.
The picture I use for Steel's portrait is a Panasonic RF-519.
The largest my backlog of updates got was six in advance. The smallest was one.
For the "Get on with it!" gag in Update 2, I used a sprite sheet directly from the game files with a bunch of its original characters. The first row is other player portraits, but most of the rest haven't appeared yet...
If you have any questions, ask me anything!

I won't hold myself to a hard weekly release schedule anymore, but I'll try to keep the same broad pace going. If you got this far - and especially if you've actually read every single update - thanks, friend. See you again.

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

28 - Back At It at the Fertile Crescent

2025-03-14T03:53:51.806Z

(Originally Written Sep-Oct 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Fanfic OC Cascada joined the Stardust Crusaders and shaved a good 30% off their canon travel time from Japan to Egypt by blasting their enemies with an arm-mounted laser cannon. How are things going to go now that we're finally on Dio's home turf?

Zzzz.... ZZZZ.....
beep beep beep
Let me keep sleeping... I gotta play UFO 50...
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
Ugh... but Metaphor ReFantazio... I need to see how comically terrible its politics are...
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Steel, 2025 is obviously going to be a total shitshow, so what's the point...
WAKE THE FUCK UP SAMURAI
And Cohost died so literally nobody is going to be reading this...
FINISH YOUR MISSION
Oh, fine.

You're letting THESE guys sleep...
.........
-sigh- Just give me the rundown like always.
We've finally reached Egypt. It was a long time coming... But it's too early to relax your guard. Dio has minions even in a village like this. I sense 2 assassins... One, a man who has been passionately chasing your group for a long time, but now, he intends to send you to oblivion if it's the last thing he does. Be careful. The other might be located more easily if you're with Joseph. You should try asking the villagers if they've seen anyone suspicious.
Hmm... are they in... here!?

I guess I'm not with Polnareff, so they wouldn't be...

It's been a while, folks... I swear I haven't just been laying around. The game gets a bit harder and more complex around here and I needed more prep time... yeah, let's go with that.

(Editor's Note: Plus, I mean, Cohost died and I had to reupload and fix the embeds for every single image up to now. There's that too.)

The fishing village is a small map with only a couple buildings, but we're going to spend quite a while here. Well, you won't...

new arc, same shit

Here we have the newest tier of Element of Freedom. As always, they aren't very difficult to kill and give solid EXP yield, but we're in the back half now. Shit's a bit harder.

They deal hefty damage and freeze your party members, so it's possible to get stunlocked. We're also hitting the point where the 18 SP Thunder Beam isn't reliably sweeping encounters anymore, leaving Cascada's multi-target options the 30 SP Freeze Ray (which obviously is not great against Freeze enemies) or the 40 SP Venom Cannon. Our SP cap as of this point is 277, so we're stopping to juice up a bit more often.

The new Mounted Soldiers can show up in groups of one or three, and have a slate of gun/explosive attacks like the Joey Dolls. They also like to run away, which is always just lovely to see after you've burned 80 SP with Venom Cannon missing twice. They yield a bit less XP but more money than the Freeze, and they also have a chance to drop Surgical Tools, an elixir equivalent (100% HP & SP).

Also visible in the above screenshot are the Fireflies that've been hounding us since Varanasi. Still jerks.

Wait, Jotaro's here?
I've been here the whole time... I threw a rock at the horse guy...
...Huh. Didn't notice.
.........

What!? He can do that!?
C'mon, show me again! I've been practicing, but I still can't get the hang of it!
...Don't bother. Quit doing stuff like that when you could be resting.
Tch! C'moooon! What's your damage!?
How many packs a day do you go through when you're smoking five cigs at once?
Do you remember how many breads you've eaten in your life?

Jotaro still sucks at fighting Long-range enemies. I think I said waaaay back that Star Finger was his only ranged attack, but I forgot about this one where he throws rocks.

The restaurant doesn't have anything we haven't seen already, though the Seafood Curry makes a reappearance after a while. Alas, the Joseph Food Tour commentary only happens with bespoke food vendors.

Yeah, I don't plan to be here for more than a few hours.
-pfffft-
What?
-BZZZT-

I'm taking a deep sigh in real life as I assemble this update a few weeks after recording the footage. A few hours indeed.

I've lived in the suburbs of a major metropolitan area my whole life, so I can't help but be slightly curious about more rural life. What does it feel like to run the only restaurant or the only bar in town? (I mean, it probably sucks)

Brain tangent: old Pokemon anime lore is that Ash Ketchum's hot mom runs the only restaurant in Pallet Town. That's why there's that gag during the first Pokemon League arc where she shows up at the tournament and muscles her way into the local restaurant kitchens to cook for her son.

What was on the airwaves in rural Egypt in 1989? I learned recently that Go Nagai's Grendizer is incredibly popular in the region, becoming a seminal work in the local genre scene after it aired in Lebanon in 1979, so maybe re-runs of that.

(Jumping back in here with some trivia: cursory research tells me that an espionage thriller series titled Ra'fat El-Haggan about the eponymous [real] spy was huge at the time.)

me about once a fortnight

At a THIRD the price of some chai over at the restaurant? Hell yeah.
Is that much liquor appropriate for a young woman...?
She'll be fine. If I've learned anything about Cascada over the past few weeks, it's that she'll down a few gallons of bottled water by sundown.
And don't you forget it, old timer.

I believe this has a chance to give you the Dizzy status. Cascada can hold her drink, though.

I'm pretty sure there's been at least one creep in every city we've been to on this trip. It probably isn't even Polnareff most of the time.

Picking the "Tell your fortune" option just tells you whose ending you're in the running for based on your FP levels... which is information we can access for free at any time by calling up Steel. Otherwise, the fortune is based on whoever's in your party at the time. First up is Jotaro.

In Jotaro's scant handful of appearances in later JoJo arcs, it's established he became a marine biologist and wrote his thesis on starfish.

I still haven't heard how you ended up getting that submarine.
I will gladly recount it another time, but first... Did I hear correctly? Is that a fortune teller in the corner?
Uhhh, I guess?

C-calm down, Abdul!
Rrgh... -huff, huff, huff- I-I apologize. I'm a bit on edge today.

I'd chalk it up mostly to how the party dynamic fits together, but it does kinda feel like Abdul gets a bit more manic and expressive in the second half of the story. This kind of personality change isn't unheard of in people who have the frontal lobe of their brains damaged. Supposedly Hol Horse's bullet only grazed the flesh of Abdul's forehead and didn't reach his brain, but it's something I always thought about.

Getting a party member's fortune told gives them +1 FP, but Abdul gets +3 to make up for his long absence. Joseph's right here, so we'll get his done right now.

A son? Does Miss Holly have a brother...?
Huh!? Uh, no, er... W-why you! You fraud! Watch what you say!

Joseph's "I do not have a secret love child" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions answered by his shirt.

Polnareff's turn. His FP should still be low enough that I can get his fortune without worrying about it.

There's about three hundred men on horseback circling it waiting to kill us.
That's OUTSIDE the village.

......A turtle? As in, the reptile...?
Are there other kinds of turtles?
I met a French-Canadian once who had some candy... and there's the band...

Polnareff does in fact get up to some business with a turtle later. It might even be a Stand-using turtle! Alas, the details of this are spoiler-y enough that I'm not quite comfortable repeating them directly.

Next up, Kakyoin. What strange darkness looms in his future?

One might say I LOVE video games more than anything...
What about hot moms?
...Have you ever heard of Sophie's Choice?

The joke with all of these is, of course, that everybody hates or refuses to pay for their 100% correct fortunes.

Current FP standings are about as expected. Kakyoin's actually got 16 because I did a couple things slightly out of order.

The next task on Cascada's itinerary is to hang out with Joseph. Steel said that one of the Stand users around here would be easier to find with the old timer in tow.

Besides the nickname thing, everyone's recruitment line changes once they're past 10 FP. Joseph's not talking about how girls get targeted more often anymore.

Back at the inn. Can you spot the difference compared to when we started?

Every time you talk to a villager outside who mentions that people left the inn, one of the sleeping folks in the other room disappears. This last one stays no matter what.

Are you sure? Who even is this?
Would you believe me if I told you that my radio told me to do this?
Good enough for me.

Upon hitting "Yes" you are immediately thrown into battle.

On one hand, a group of two Fireflies is annoying enough and now we gotta deal with four. On the other, our multi-hit attacks work just as well.

Looks like it's getting pretty HOT in here!
Get better material.

Jotaro! You came at the perfect time!
Flies, huh...? So that's what's been buzzing around keeping me awake.
You really like to stick your nose where it doesn't belong, don't you? Whatever. I'll burn you to ash along with them.

Jotaro shows up after a turn or two. Honestly him showing up makes this overkill; only Cascada and Joseph would have been just fine.

Hahahaha! Burn! BURN!!
Alright, if that's how you want to play this.

This might as well be a wasted turn on his part.

I believe Faith only has a random chance of dropping a Badge of Honor, so it's a nice get.

Just like with Kate and the Green Hornets, beating Faith here removes all Fireflies from this and all subsequent maps.

Not anymore, there aren't.

I've already gotten my fortune told. Is there another reason you invited me?
We've got to beef up your spindly gamer arms by fighting those will-o-wisps like a hundred times.
O-oh...

COMMENCE THE GRINDING!

Once a party member is over level 30 and has over 10 FP, there's a chance for this to happen in battle.

For 100 SP apiece, you get a super strong combo attack. Every playable Stand has a unique combo attack for every main party member, though they do often re-use animations from elsewhere.

Excellent work.
Thanks.
...but perhaps Jotaro will be upset you're using his battle cry?
You have a point... I'm usually not shouting shit like that, so I kinda defaulted.

If anyone's got anything particularly good in mind, please leave a suggestion, but, I mean...

Really, what else?

Perfect.

The grinding commences here. A lot of grinding. We're probably fine after the Joey Mansion, but Mr. Tutorial wasn't kidding either when he said we should level up a bit. I have my own reasons besides. Montage time!

Abdul and his fire attacks are naturally pretty good at blasting down the Freeze encounters.

Jotaro's even learned this, which despite being labelled as such, is not his ultimate attack.

Freezes pop into Short-range more often than some of the other Elements of Freedom enemies, so Jotaro's pretty good at taking them down.

Back in Update 9, I said Joseph has "a late-game buff that breaks the difficulty curve if you're a very particular kind of sicko". This is what I was talking about.

Fun fact, the "Deep Pass Overdrive" text here is in the exact same position on screen as in the previous screenshot. This isn't important, it just made me chuckle.

This is a reference to Parts 1 and 2. In both, a member of the hero's group creates a sacrificial Ripple out of the final remnants of their life force, bestowing it upon Jojo for a mid-season power up.

Being a bit dramatic, aren't we?
I didn't... -cough-... team up with a Nazi cyborg.. against an ancient superbeing with chainsaw arms -hack-... to take lip from you... kid...

It's a hefty stat boost for the entire party. The game says you can't use it again, but that's just for this cycle. It's available again in NG+, buffing your stats as many times as you're willing to play through the game with the same Stand (player Stands are all considered separate party members on the backend).

Minus 30 levels means Joseph is about as strong as Cascada was when we first gained control in Japan. He does keep all of his skills though, if you were so inclined to level him back up to fighting shape. I am not doing that. I am instead simply going to load a save and never use Deep Pass Overdrive.

You can see Cascada's level here. In the process of this grind to get the rest of the party up to level 34 or 35, we went from 164712 experience points (level 40) to 306612 experience points (level 45), nearly over again how much we've gotten from the entire game up until now. An encounter with three Freezes yields 900 EXP, three Mounted Soldiers yields 750. You do the math.

can you blame me for taking a hiatus lol

Buddy, I've been killing will-o-wisps and mounted assassins all fucking day. Make it a triple.
...me too, actually.

What? Can't a high school girl slam whiskey in peace these days?

You're making things pretty tough for Dio... You might even be able to take him out! See, I can't have that! Hyuk-hyuk!
QUICKSIL-
Fighting you here might be trouble. Follow me! Unless you want the villagers to get wrapped up in all this, that is...
...is everything alright?
Uhhh...
Just. Fine.

New Stand users...?
Heh heh! I won't say too much. Just that your trip is hopeless!

Bingo! How perceptive of you! But do you think it'll be that easy...?
Do you think I couldn't tell that was one of your dolls in that bar? I haven't been level grinding on assassins all day just for kicks, asshole.

We really should have seen this coming once he made a Sentai team of himself back in Varanasi.

A... a giant robot!?
See that!? My ultimate creation! Marvel at this King Joey!
Sorry The Machine, but that IS pretty cool...
You could have done this the entire time and you CHOSE to waste your life being a creepy pervert? I cannot believe this shit.

You up to help me put a bullet in this one, old timer?
Let's do it!

Okay, I know I say it every time we go up against an optional boss, but King Joey is no joke. He has a solid 150% of the HP of the last strongest boss we fought and will spam missiles and other big party-hitting attacks. If a bazooka happens to stun both party members, losing just that one turn means he might keep the momentum and outright wipe you.

Joseph's Deep Breathing heals himself for 200, but healing Cascada for any reasonable amount takes items, and it's hard to outpace King Joey without dipping into The Good Stuff.

I make some rare use of a couple buff moves here. Unfortunately these early ones don't really increase your stats enough to matter at this point.

Thankfully, he's not immune to status effects; that's our in for kicking his ass.

I mean, other than the level grinding.

...and the combo attacks.

Very next turn, the exact thing I mentioned above happens. Both party members get stunned by a bazooka then smashed with a big physical attack, leaving Cascada below half HP and Joseph below 20%. Our combo attack cost a full 100 SP from each too, so we're getting pretty tapped out.

But do you remember? Level 45 is a special level.

We're losing, even after so much training...
Hyuk hyuk! You can't beat a vintage robot like this! Older is better, don'tcha know! Hyuk hyuk huyk!
Yeah? In that case, I've been practicing a classic...

The Wave-Motion Gun is arguably the strongest skill in the game. For a hefty 100 SP, it does huge defense-piercing damage on both HP and SP, and it has a chance to inflict status effects.

Which status effects? All of them.

It still isn't enough to put Joey down and Cascada's almost completely out of SP, but he's no threat anymore. There are so many fetters on him now that he can't hit for shit.

I WON'T LET IT END LIKE THIS! THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN SHOOT THAT AGAIN!! IT'S NOT OVER!!!
You've been stalking me since before we even left Japan, right? Then maybe you remember this little number, you piece of shit.

The Nuclear Warhead is a one-time use item with the same effects as Wave-Motion Gun. You can get at most two per playthrough (not counting NG+ shenanigans), and we're already past the other one. King Joey actually has a low chance to use one against us, which would have been a no-questions-asked party wipe.

You can go back now, Mr. Joestar. I'll catch up in a bit.
...Normally, I wouldn't approve of this...
And?
And I'll see you back at the inn.
Yep.

Rest in piss, Joey. The Murderdolls will never bother us again.

I think Cascada deserves a treat after finally putting Joey in the dirt, don't you?

...guess I had that coming...

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

27 - The Hunt for High Priestess

2025-01-12T04:08:23.436Z

(Originally Posted September 6, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, it turned out Abdul was alive all along and we were just gaslighting Polnareff for two weeks. This time, we're taking a submarine!

We've had three mandatory story bits in a row without a chance to restock, so this is a nice get.

Polnareff: Hey, hurry up and make the coffee! I'm thirsty!
Kakyoin: Make it yourself!
Cascada: What kind of coffee is this thing stocked with anyway? My house mostly uses instant, so I don't know much.
Jotaro: -frown- ...Instant...?
Cascada: We ain't all made of money, Jojo.
Joseph: Everywhere we've been so far has had their own way of preparing it. It's so different from American coffee!
Abdul: Hmhm... I can teach you to use a dallah another time.

My weird coffee trivia here is that something like 95% of all Jamaican Blue Mountain is exported to Japan. It makes a damn fine cup of coffee.

On the manga's pace, we'd flip the numbers and have only 19 days left. Having an extra party member really boosted the group's action economy.

Joseph: There's no time to waste. We've reached Egypt not a day too soon. We'll have to hurry to Aswan and seek out the enemy as quickly as we can.
Polnareff: This might be the last time we get to kick back and enjoy a hot cup of coffee like this...

Cascada: So it's the last stretch...
Polnareff: What's left?
Abdul: I am sure you'll find out soon enough...
Polnareff: You sure you didn't just forget?
Abdul: It is called SUSPENSE!

A lot of information packed into one text box there. I'm impressed.

Kakyoin: Wha... Mr. Joestar!
Jotaro: What!? G-gramps!!
Cascada: Mr. Joestar!!
Abdul: Impossible! It's a Stand! How did a Stand enter the submarine!?

Jotaro: No, that's wrong!
Abdul: It transformed! It turned into one of the meters on the control panel! Just like the coffee cup!
Kakyoin: (It's so nice to have someone else on exposition duty...)
Cascada: A transforming Stand...!?
Polnareff: Damn! Just 300 feet away from Egypt!
Cascada: Kakyoin, how's Mr. Joestar!?

Abdul: There, Polnareff! Happy!?
Polnareff: I still say you should have just told me in the first place!
Jotaro: What do you know about it?
Abdul: I've heard stories... The user's name is Midler.

I feel like "controlling inorganic matter" is one of those powers that would be way more interesting if it showed up in a later JoJo part rather than the slugfest section of Part 3. You just know Araki would get up to some shit.

Polnareff: ...That... that makes sense... She just opened a hole and got in, plain and simple.
Cascada: We're gonna sink if this keeps up!
Abdul: She broke the floatation mechanism! And the oxygen levels are decreasing! We're going down! Everyone grab onto something! We're gonna crash into the seafloor!

Cascada: That cable car in Singapore didn't break.
Polnareff: That doesn't count, I wasn't there!
Kakyoin: Maybe YOU'RE the weak link, Polnareff...

Honestly this thing just reminds me of the mascot for Honeycomb cereal, which is upsetting not just because the mascot is upsetting but because I still remember completely useless information like this.

The Machine ain't afraid of a fucked up little cereal monster. Time to start blasting.

Abdul: What are you doing, Cascada!? Hurry up and take shelter!
Cascada: Think about it, Abdul! The closer we get to the surface, the closer we get to its user... And the stronger it gets! If we try to fight it at full strength, the situation may get even worse! There's still some time left before the oxygen runs out... Let's take care of it before we leave the submarine!
Abdul: Don't be stupid! We still don't know where the user is hiding yet! And that said, if I use my flames, I'll burn up whatever oxygen there is left! Do you plan to defeat it with just 4 people!?
Cascada: You really have been out of the loop... we've been getting almost everything done with only two people.
Abdul: Oh. In that case... carry on, my lily-white friends.

Kakyoin: We can't do anything to her until we find out where she's hiding! Be careful!

And we've got another one of those "the boss might just decide to be literally untargetable for an indefinite period of time" battles. At least CantFind status is barely an issue since everyone's got some decent all-target attacks now.

Choosing to fight High Priestess right now gives Jotaro this new skill. It's pretty situational, but this is the situation to use it in. When she appears, he'll be ready with a big single-target OraOra.

Yep, still pretty much zero point in attacking at all if she isn't on the screen. You're basically gambling that she'll appear that turn and you'll get a hit in.

This move has a solid chance of inflicting Blowback status and making High Priestess lose a turn from crashing into the wall. I think it got off one attack.

Abdul: You did it!
Joseph: Looks... like it...
Cascada: That's, uh... that's it?
Kakyoin: C'mon! Let's hurry and get out of here!

Abdul: That's Midler... High Priestess's user.
Kakyoin: What should we do? I doubt she can fight anymore...
Polnareff: I'm gonna go see if she's good-looking...
Cascada: And I'll keep my gun trained on you so you don't try anything.
Polnareff: I-I would never! A-hahahaahh...
Joseph: Well, Polnareff?

Time for a trivia detour! Midler was only ever seen from a distance in the manga and had no distinguishing features. When Capcom put out their JoJo's Bizarre Adventure fighting game in 1998 (released westward as JoJo's Venture), they asked Araki to make a whole new design for her.

The left is her only appearance in the original, and the right is her fighting game design. You can decide for yourself if Polnareff's got good taste.

That was fast. Maybe a little too fast! All we got out of it was a Starplatodine, which increases speed, and we clearly have no need for that. Roll it back!

Cascada: We need to make sure Mr. Joestar is okay first.
Kakyoin: I've got him!

Abdul: (T-this thing even cut through Mr. Joestar's steel prosthetic... If I don't let go...!)
Jotaro: ORA!!

Jotaro: Aye aye, sir...
Both: Too soon!

Jotaro: W-what the hell!?
Abdul: She's no slouch!
Joseph: You've... got that right...
Kakyoin: She even gave Jotaro a handful... This isn't gonna be easy...

The scene fades to black as the party books it to the other room.

Kakyoin: What are we gonna do!? She's gotta get in here sooner or later! Feels like we're the ones who are trapped...
Abdul: This place is full of machinery... That means she has a tactical advantage! We have to ditch the submarine! There's no other choice! We'll swim to Egypt if we have to!
Joseph: I was hoping to resell it, too...
Polnareff: Are you kidding!? We're 130 feet under the sea! Sure, it's not THAT deep, but how'll we make it to the surface!?

Jotaro: Give me a break.
Joseph: It's tough to put on with one hand... Does anyone here know how to scuba dive?
Cascada: Do YOU?
Joseph: I'm an old rich white man. If anyone here knows, it's me!
Cascada: I'm not hearing a "yes".
Polnareff: Nope.
Jotaro: Nah.
Kakyoin: I do not.
Cascada: Same here.

Some cursory research tells me that protocols to avoid decompression sickness are pretty complex. A reasonably-agreed-upon rate of ascent is about 30 feet (9 meters) per minute for any dives up to 1000 feet (300 meters). If you're any deeper, you're going to want to ascend even more slowly. You also ideally want access to a decompression chamber on the surface if possible.

A proposed but as-of-yet impractical method to avoid decompression problems is "liquid breathing", where oxygen is supplied directly to the bloodstream via filling the lungs with an oxygen-rich fluid. It famously shows up in James Cameron's The Abyss and in Neon Genesis Evangelion.

JoJo has a reputation for this kind of writing, where it feels like Araki maybe read a book about something last week and decided to throw all that information into the manga just because he thought it was neat.

Polnareff: What if you drool?
Joseph: That also comes out the left side. Also, we can't talk in the water, of course... We'll communicate with hand signals.
Abdul: Can't we just talk with our Stands?
Joseph: Oh? You're right, I forgot...
Cascada: My Stand is a gun and Mr. Joestar's is a bundle of vines.
Joseph: Eh, we'll figure it out.
Polnareff: I know a hand signal!

I'm obligated to include the anime's incredible depiction of this scene here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYpMdUhsL7g

All: OK.

Jotaro: S-shit!!
Abdul: She's in! He'll be torn apart!!
Cascada: What do we do!?
Joseph: Hermit Purple!!
Kakyoin: Hierophant Green!!

Rough day for Polnareff. Finds out his friends have been gaslighting him for two weeks and then has an evil cereal mascot climb down his throat.

Polnareff: H-hey... Wait! Ack!!
Joseph: I caught her before she got close to his throat, Kakyoin!
Kakyoin: Me too! Let's force her out before she transforms!

The scene fades to black as metal clanks and tears, but the squad makes it out.

Cascada: Good thing we killed that Dark Blue Moon guy.
Jotaro: Yeah.
Cascada: Just 30 feet left to the surface...

The Red Sea sure has some wacky-looking coral reefs.

Joseph: Still, everyone keep a lookout... She might try to follow us as a propeller. Keep and eye out for moving rocks or pebbles.
Abdul: Look, everyone! The tunnel!
Joseph: That means there's just 20 meters left...
Abdul: We're finally at the Egyptian coast! Let's swim along this rock until we reach land!

Abdul: How did it get this big!?
Polnareff: It's been so tiny up until now!! Where is this strength coming from!?

Kakyoin: For the Stand to be this size, the user has to be somewhere extremely close!
Midler: You got that right! Just 20 feet above you, in fact! Unfortunately, I'll crunch you up in my High Priestess' mouth before you get a chance to even see what I look like!

Did you expect JoJo to have "inorganic gigantism vore" as a tag?

Kakyoin: Where inside her body are we?
Joseph: We're still in her mouth... She hasn't swallowed us yet.
Cascada: I could get absorbing, but it'd probably take too long for Quicksilver to eat through this.
Midler: Jotaro!
Jotaro: !

Jotaro: Give me a break... Do I really have to say it?
Polnareff: Yes! C'mon, go!

There's a few unique interactions here depending on how high your FP is. If you're playing as a male character, he'll butt in with quips for each guy. Female player characters instead get jealous they aren't being complimented, because of course that's what they'd write in.

Regardless of that, The Machine must play her part in this hare-brained scheme.

7SU is now yuri.

Polnareff: Yeep!
Kakyoin: Wh... what is THAT?
Joseph: It's a tongue! Her Stand's tongue!
Abdul: Watch out! Get out of the way!
Jotaro: Augh!!
Joseph: J-Jotaro!
Cascada: The tongue sent him flying!

The first thing related to JoJo that I remember seeing was a blurb for the aforementioned fighting game in a random issue of GamePro magazine (I wasn't subscribed or anything, sometimes you just accumulate random shit). I remember Polnareff's wacky hairdo and a screenshot of Midler's ultimate attack, where she crushes the opponent in-between giant teeth just like this.

Kakyoin: N-no...
Jotaro: So... powerful...
Midler: My teeth are hard as diamonds, Jotaro! I'll crunch you to bits!
Abdul: We have to help him!
Joseph: Pull him out!
Jotaro: Did someone say "pull it out"?
Cascada: NO!

As much as Jotaro would probably prefer we pull him out, that's the boring manga route. Cascada's got a gun and she isn't afraid to use it.

This fight is Cascada, Kakyoin, Abdul, and Polnareff up against The Teeth. The game doesn't tell you that the Teeth recover each turn and there's a 5-turn limit before the battle just ends and the event proceeds as normal. Time to start blasting!

The Teeth have enormous Defense, showing that Midler has impeccable dental hygiene. Cascada and Abdul (despite the above screenshot) do most of the work here with magic attacks.

Joseph: Are you all right, Jotaro!?
Jotaro: Yeah, somehow... Everyone, let's make a break for it! We'll break through the other teeth!!

A Badge of Honor beats out a stat-increaser any day of the week, and it's not like I would have ever used Penetrating Glare again. Definitely the preferable option here.

And we've circled back around. Is Midler still hot?

Well, maybe not so preferable.

Joseph: Nevertheless... We've finally reached Egypt.
Abdul: It's only 20 hours away by jet... Yet it took us 19 days!
Kakyoin: This journey sure has taken us places... The desert, the seafloor... Even inside the brain!
Polnareff: It's a miracle we made it here alive!
Cascada: You all would have been completely screwed without me.
Jotaro: .........

And with that, we're approximately halfway through the game! There's a clear divide between the "Tarot Assassins" portion of Part 3 and the "we finally made it to Egypt" part, even in the manga. The anime cut right here to take a season break, so I'll be following suit and taking a while off to build a bit more buffer and deal with some real life stuff.

See you again! Eventually!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

26 - Rise From Your Grave

2025-01-12T04:08:21.751Z

(Originally Posted August 30, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Kakyoin threatened to kill a baby but settled for forcing it to literally eat its own shit. This time, we're getting on another boat that definitely won't crash and explode.

The manga has an aside here about how the Red Sea is clear and unspoiled, loved by scuba divers everywhere. I learned in elementary school that it's called the Red Sea because of algae that sometimes gives the water a reddish color, but it's only one possible name origin of many; the manga cites the color of the shores around it.

Another factoid is that the Red Sea is abundant with coral reefs (hence the scuba divers), which is considered unusual due to how hot and shallow it is compared to other parts of the ocean. It's theorized that if global warming continues unchecked, the Red Sea might end up with the only surviving coral reefs on Earth.

Jotaro: We're supposed to be heading west, towards Egypt. why are we heading towards that little island?
Joseph: Ah... Well, you see... There's a reason for that. I didn't mention it before, but there's someone we need to visit before we reach Egypt.
Polnareff: Is it to get insurance for when this boat inevitably gets destroyed?
Kakyoin: I don't think any policy would cover enemy Stand attacks.
Joseph: There's a man there who is integral to our journey...
Polnareff: Someone integral to our journey...? On that tiny island?

Joseph: Yes, there's precisely one person here. He told me as much when I saw him in India.
Kakyoin: What? You saw him in India? Who are you talking about?

The official translations for Part 3 go for a similar pun here. Joseph says, "He told me while we were hurrying through India," and Polnareff says, "Currying through India?" In Japanese, Joseph refers to the person on this island with the pronoun "彼" (pronounced "ka-re"), which Polnareff mishears as "curry" (pronounced "ka rē" in Japanese).

Thanks for making me spend 15 minutes researching a pun with zero bearing on the story, ADHD brain.

Joseph: Looks can be deceiving... I saw someone in Varanasi who looked exactly like you from behind, but their face was completely different! And in Karachi...
Cascada: We're not going to talk about that.
Joseph: ...sorry.
Polnareff: I found him! Over there!!

In grand JoJo tradition, these chickens are named after influential musicians: Michael Jackson, Prince, and Lionel Richie.

Polnareff: Who are you!?
Kakyoin: That silhouette... Could it be!?
Joseph: Wait! I'll go talk to him. You guys stay right here.

Polnareff: Ab...
Cascada: A-Abdul...!?
Kakyoin: Mr. Abdul!
Jotaro: Abdul...
Cascada: Maybe we should've all just said it at once? Just saying.
Polnareff: I-is that really him!?

Joseph: Even though "hermit" is MY Stand!

I feel like delivering news of a death is an oddly rare plot point, if only because when characters die their loved ones or next of kin are usually just the other main characters. About the only other example I can come up with off the top of my head is the one-off gag in Dragon Ball where Chichi faints after being told Goku's dead and Piccolo's taken Gohan.

Joseph: I didn't want to tell you about him before because I didn't want to tip Dio off that he was staying here.
Kakyoin: His father, huh...
Cascada: .........
Kakyoin: If only it was his mother instead...
Joseph: But... explaining the circumstances of his son's death... won't be easy.
Jotaro: Hol Horse is still out there, too.
Polnareff: ............

Kakyoin: Does his father have a Stand as well?
Joseph: Yes... But what kind of Stand it is, I don't know.
Cascada: By my count, there are only four Tarot cards remaining, so...
Joseph: Shhh!
Kakyoin: I doubt he's going to be willing to cooperate with us...
Joseph: Just let me handle it. I'll go and try talking to him.

We fade out... and back in.

In the manga the lamp is buried in the sand, so it doesn't look quite as ridiculous as Polnareff monologuing while sitting directly next to it.

I find it kind of fascinating how because this game's graphics are obviously stylized, we implicitly understand that this lamp sprite - well, any sprite - is not to scale. There's probably some kind of name for that effect.

I will not make the stock joke, I will not...

Solid use of the "explosion" effect. If this game were more recent they'd probably use the stock Game Maker explosion for the same gag.

I had it in my head this was a "Oh, Araki watched Disney's Aladdin and decided to put that in the manga" situation, but Part 3 ran from April 1989 to April 1992. Disney's Aladdin didn't release until November '92.

Polnareff: T-the hell are you supposed to be!?
Cameo: My name is Cameo! I'd like to reward you for freeing me from the lamp. State your wishes, and I will grant them!

I didn't screenshot it yet, but when you use a Badge of Honor, Cameo appearing is one of the random options. This is usually a good get because he lets you choose directly from a submenu rather than just rolling the dice.

This is possibly the smartest Polnareff has been the entire trip. If I were the 7th Stand User, I'd obviously assume anything weird going on is the work of an enemy Stand. Like the whole baby thing.

We get the "slash" effect here and the screen shakes.

Cameo: Is the answer to that question your first wish? You sure you want a wish that boring?
Polnareff: Again with that "3 wishes" crap!? Can you make me rich right now, then!? Well!?
Cameo: That's your first wish?
Polnareff: Yeah, if you can pull it off! Otherwise, stop screwing with me!
Cameo: Understood. Your wish is granted.

As is often the case with English words in JoJo, the manga has this catchphrase drawn out in the text box rather than as the usual typed text. Like so:

Cameo vanishes with the stock explosion effect once again.

Aaaand of course Polnareff immediately drops the assumption that it was the work of an enemy Stand. It was nice while it lasted.

Polnareff: As a Frenchman myself, I can instantly validate its authenticity!
Polnareff: A-are you trying to mess with me!? What's your deal!?

Cameo: You have 2 more wishes. State them!
Polnareff: !! I-it's you! What are you trying to pull!? There has to be some trick to this!! If you're an enemy, then just fight me! I'm gonna keep this gold, too!!

Something I always appreciated about the Eternal Dragon in Dragon Ball is that he's never an asshole about the wishes. You don't have to deal with any of this exact words bullshit, Shenron just grants the wish according to its intent and he'll straight up tell you if there's gonna be some kind of catch or if it would be a wasted wish. What a cool dude.

Polnareff: I've wanted to become one since I was a kid! I wanna be more famous than Disney! I want them to build a Polnareff Land!

I took an out-of-state friend to Disneyland a few years ago after having not been there since I was a kid. My main memory of the trip was when I passed a worker in the Star Wars Zone and said "good morning" in an attempt to acknowledge the service staff as human beings.

With zero hesitation, he responded with, "We say 'Bright Suns' here on Batuu!"

Cameo: A girl? Fine.
Polnareff: No... No, wait! Wait just a second!
Cameo: Is having me wait for one second your next wish?
Polnareff: Stop asking me that!
Cameo: Is having me no longer asking about your next wish your next wish?
Polnareff: ...Can you bring the dead back to life?

Polnareff: If you can do it... Which you can't! Heh!
Cameo: Okay. Your wish is granted.
Polnareff: What!?
Cameo: However, you stated 2 wishes. After this, you'll have none left. First, I'll grant your 2nd...

Polnareff: Wait, wait, wait! W-what are you!? What's your ulterior motive!? ...W-what was that sound...? It sounded like... something emerging from the ground somewhere... It... it can't be!

Polnareff: !! It can't be! It can't be true! My sister was buried in France!! Hey! Who are you!? What's your name!? Answer me!

We fade out to another area. I do think it's pretty neat that the whole previous segment was on a single map, with all the relevant props just off camera.

Polnareff: There you are! Please don't run away... It's me! Your older brother!
Polnareff: Sometimes I forget because everyone addresses me by surname, but it's me! Jean Pierre!

Polnareff: Why are you crying? What is there to be sad about? It's you! Sherry!! Aahh... It really is you!

Polnareff: ...Oh! I was mad at you then, but I've always loved you! I still do!
Polnareff: And I made damn sure to put that cat to sleep after your funeral, so it's water under the bridge!

Has wishing the dead back to life ever worked out, in anything? Okay, I mean, besides Dragon Ball. Come on.
_{...I think that's the third time I've referenced Dragon Ball this update...}

i'm always saying this

I'd put down a non-zero number of dollars that some kind of variation of "My Little Sister Is A Zombie Who Also Wants To Eat Me" is either already a manga or is trending on Pixiv.

Polnareff: -pant, pant, pant, pant, pant-... C-cameooooo!!
Cameo: Whaddya want...?
Polnareff: Y-you son of a bitch!!
Cameo: What, is there a problem?

The way Baldur's Gate handled DnD's infamous Wish spell is that upon cast, a genie appeared and offered you a selection from five random options (since you obviously couldn't dictate a specific wish to a human DM). The rub was that the choice pool was determined by the caster's Wisdom stat. Most wizards stick purely to Intelligence, so it was possible to pick something that seemed innocuous and get screwed over. For example, a low-WIS wish for something like "more experience points" might just drop a bunch of high level (and thus, high experience yield) enemies right on your head.

Cameo: Mmmmmmm... No thanks!
Polnareff: What!?
Cameo: Do you not get it yet? I'm a Stand!
Polnareff: Damn it! I knew I forgot something!
Cameo: I'm the Stand of the Judgment arcanum! I can grant people's wishes using the earth! You wished for your sister! She's your problem now!

Polnareff: B-bastard!!
Cameo: The things hidden in the depths of one's heart are their greatest weaknesses! When someone they love dies, they don't think about whether reviving them is possible... they still expect them to pop in someday and say "hello"! I've already won this match, Polnareff!

Polnareff: (A-aa-aaaahhh... I was so scared that I forgot to bring out my Chariot... But I also forgot that it's a Stand that grants my wishes... Maybe...) Silver Chariot!!

This feels like a weird line to me. The official manga translation says, "I was being attacked by my wishes so I forgot to summon my own Stand..."

Polnareff: What!?
Cameo: You beg me, Polnareff? Really? Well, in that case... Hmmm... Nope, too bad! You don't have any wishes left! I already granted 3! You don't get a 4th one! Heh heh heh!!

This is a brief setpiece rather than an actual battle. By the time the status wears off and you can take actions, it ends by itself.

Polnareff: ...So this is truly the end for me... Sorry to part so soon, Mr. Joestar... Kakyoin... Jotaro... Cascada... I wish you luck...
Polnareff: You idiots will need it, without me there...

Polnareff: I sure as hell thought so!! Mohammed Abdul!!!

I sincerely doubt any of the approximately three people reading this Let's Play didn't already know this twist, but if you didn't, then hey!

Abdul: You haven't changed a bit, Polnareff... You're still always "Sherry" this, "Sherry" that! Seems like you need my help... Hm hm! You're so dependent! I can't die in peace with you around...
Cameo: This can't be! There's no way you're still alive! Hol Horse said you took a bullet right through the brain!
Abdul: You're correct! I was shot in between the eyebrows... But when I was stabbed, I craned my neck to look upwards! Since I was leaning back... It never reached my brain! It just scratched my skin! I did completely lose consciousness, but I made the best of it...

Bit of a translation gaffe here. I, a monolingual jackass, would have probably put "Hol Horse shot you right between the eyes!"

Polnareff: My... My 3rd wish... It really did come true...!!
Polnareff: Maybe this Cameo guy really is a genie, and not a Stand!
Abdul: -sigh-

Polnareff: (That's right! I have to tell everyone!)
Cameo: ...That is some terrible news... But by the time I tell them, it'll already be irrelevant... Instead, I'll tell them about how Cameo beat the snot out of that asshole Polnareff and the still-living Abdul! Oh, what wonderful news!

Abdul: Nnngghhh! He's defending with the clones!
Cameo: HAIL 2 U!
Polnareff: B-bastard! Even if it's just a fake, that's still my sister! How dare he!

In the manga, this is the last we see of the Sherry clone. The anime includes a short scene where Polnareff puts her down himself, accepting his sister is truly dead. It's got a bunch of cool little hindsight additions like that.

Abdul: H-he's quite a powerful opponent...
Polnareff: Be careful! He's not just strong, but fast, too!
Abdul: This is putting quite the damper on my big comeback...
Cameo: Huhuhuhuhuhu...

Abdul: ......
Cameo: C'mon! Try it! You have 3 wishes!
Polnareff: H-he's just toying with us...

Cameo: Y-you make a joke of this...!
Abdul: Do you refuse, Cameo!? You shouldn't make promises you can't keep!
Cameo: Wishing for more wishes is problematic! You're being insensitive!
Polnareff: Maybe you shouldn't act so stereotypical!
Abdul: Trust me, Polnareff... you do not want to go down this road...

Now this one is an actual fight. It's Abdul solo against Cameo, but our guy has made sure to keep up with his level grinding while the rest of the crew was away. He's up around level 28 just like the rest.

Pushover.

Abdul: My first wish is for you to scream in pain! Sounds like that one's already come true...
Cameo: I-impossible! He's too strong! Much stronger than before!!
Abdul: My wound from the Hanged Man isn't completely healed, so I couldn't go all out. I was only able to leave India about 3 days ago...

We're currently on Day 18, and the business in Kolkata was Day 9. Healing from a stab wound and bullet graze in 5-6 days is pretty good pace, I think. If we were on manga pace, this would be something around Day 30. Cascada's making good time.

Abdul: I wish for you to yelp in fear! Now, for my third wish...! I wish to hear your cries of regret!
Cameo: Yeeeeeeeeeeeep!!
Abdul: Damn!
Polnareff: H-he got away! Stop right there, asswipe!!
Abdul: Ssh! Keep it down, Polnareff. With that power and speed, the user must be close by. That's the rule! He must be very, very close indeed... But where...?

Starting here, we finally get control back for a few minutes. Let's check in on Abdul.

It's nice to have a proper nuker mage around again, though I suppose Cascada counts for that role. She wishes she had 362 SP.

The gimmick here is that we're searching for Cameo's user, hidden somewhere in the grass on this map. He persistently chases you, but with both Abdul and Polnareff on battle duty he's a non-issue.

Cameo despawns every time you defeat him and respawns near the user's location. You can also tell because it's a solid interactable tile, so combing every row is doable if a bit tedious.

Polnareff: (So he's hiding under the ground!! Damn you... How should I make you pay for using my sister!? HELL 2 U!) Let's put stuff in the pipe!

Polnareff: You think I'm done with you!?
Abdul: Hey, Polnareff. Don't we have other matters to attend to? Since it's been a while, let's do "that" together as proof of our friendship!
Polnareff: "That"? Do you mean combining?
Abdul: No, the other thing.
Polnareff: Oh, "THAT". I crouch behind him and you push?
Abdul: ...No, I mean... "that".
Polnareff: We draw silly faces on him while he sleeps?
Abdul: Polnareff, this man disrespected the memory of your precious sister.
Polnareff: Oh, "THAT"!

I don't think I've ever done communal pissing in the great outdoors. More proof I have not experienced true culture.

Abdul: Not so fast! For my 4th wish... I wish for your wish to never come true! My Magician's Red will make sure of that!

The screen fades out as Cameo's user burns alive...

Jotaro: Yo, Abdul.
Kakyoin: How've you been?
Cascada: Is your back feeling any better?
Abdul: It's getting there. There's just a little scarring.
Joseph: How was your trip back from India?
Abdul: The enemy was none the wiser. I didn't run into a single one.

Jotaro: It's been a pretty long time. I'm glad you made it back safe.
Kakyoin: It's only been about a week and a half.
Cascada: Feels more like a few months to me...
Abdul: You're still wearing that uniform, Jotaro? Aren't you hot? Hm hm...

The entire party - including Cascada - has been gaslighting Polnareff into thinking he was responsible for his friend's death! Definitely a cool and okay thing to do!

Polnareff: Even you, Kakyoin!?
Kakyoin: I was actually the one who first suggested to keep it a secret... Since you have a tendency to run your mouth.
Polnareff: Et tu, Cascada!?
Cascada: Honestly, I thought you knew and were just playing along.
Jotaro: If you tipped the enemy off, Abdul wouldn't be able to heal in peace.

Joseph: We needed to buy something without the enemy knowing.
Abdul: Something that would attract a lot of attention. I posed as a rich Arabian man and bought it.
Polnareff: What do you mean?
Abdul: I will tell you all about it on the way. EVERY detail.
Joseph: All abooooooard!!

Jotaro: So this is how we're crossing the Red Sea?
Kakyoin: We should be able to evade the enemy's sight this way...
Polnareff: Man, this is turning out to be an expensive trip! Abdul, do you know how to operate this thing!?
Joseph: Don't forget about me!
Cascada: I'd rather Abdul take the wheel.
Jotaro: You've lost your privileges after what happened last time, Gramps.
Joseph: I didn't peek on my naked mother in the bath during the war to take lip from you kids.
Kakyoin: Tell me more...
Abdul: I see none of you have changed a bit!

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

25 - Would you kill Baby Hitler

2025-01-12T04:08:11.579Z

(Originally Posted August 23, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we prevented heat stroke by blowing up the entire sun (false). This time, we might finally get some sleep in after nearly three weeks of nonstop travel.

Or not. Kakyoin wakes up ~~transformed into a monstrous vermin~~ inside a Ferris wheel, and there's a persistent "baby crying" sound effect playing throughout the scene.

Kakyoin: What amusement park is this? I don't recall ever being here before... W-why am I here? This isn't right... We were supposed to be crossing the Saudi Arabian desert! Where are Mr. Joestar and the others? Am I alone?

Any time a balloon shows up in literally anything, I think about this screenshot from my favorite Gundam show, Reconguista in G:

Araki's Dead Dog Count is off the charts. If a dog ever shows in JoJo there's a like 90% chance it is going to get brutally murdered somehow.

We fade to white as Death 13 bears down upon Kakyoin...

Kakyoin: ......So it was just a dream... Whew... That was really scary.
Polnareff: You had a bad dream? Ooh, tell me all about it! What happened?
Kakyoin: To tell you the truth, I can't really remember... I forgot what happened... I just know that it was awful. It's a good thing you woke me up.
Polnareff: Yeah, whatever! C'mon, we don't have time to gab! They're gonna leave without us! Get ready!
Kakyoin: Right... I'll be right out...

I bet Polnareff is one of those guys who insists on being at the airport five hours before the flight, even if it's domestic.

Jotaro: Kakyoin's late... Wonder if he's still sleeping off the injuries from the Sun.
Cascada: I'm getting tired of waiting. I'm gonna shop to kill some time.

There isn't another real hub for a bit, so we get an opportunity to stock up as per usual.

Kakyoin: A dog... A dog's corpse... Why does this feel so familiar?
Polnareff: Yuck... That's awful! Let's just leave it alone...

A skunk got roadkilled about two blocks away from my place the other day. You can tell because the smell lingers for about 48 hours in a ten block radius. (For those who have never encountered a skunk, imagine taking a bottle of toasted sesame oil and drinking the whole thing in one breath; that's what it smells like.)

For you Centrigrade folks, this is edging right up against 39 degrees.

Joseph: T-then what about that plane over there?
Cascada: ...it's the PILOT that's the problem...
Jotaro: Heh.
Joseph: I didn't cut an ancient superbeing into pieces with a length of string over a giant pit of spikes to take lip from you kids.

A couple of player Stands can sidestep this encounter entirely either by healing the baby or fixing the broken plane. Cascada can do neither, unfortunately.

Joseph: Er... Well... That is...
Polnareff: -whispering- Yes!
Kakyoin: I would rather save the dying attractive older woman, certainly...

Joseph: What!?
Kakyoin: Ah!! The baby just smiled... It already has some teeth...?

Kakyoin: Oops......... S-sorry... I didn't even touch it...
Cascada: If it's sick, you probably shouldn't be touching it in the first place...

Joseph: Hey, hold on! You're asking too much! It's dangerous for a baby to come with us!
Polnareff: Actually, I think it's a great idea! No-one will be able to attack us 60 miles above the ground at the speed we're going. Not even Lovers could catch up to us this way.

I don't know what else to say other than this must be a botched line translation; 60 miles up is outer space. My manga sources have the line as "No Stand can catch a Cessna flying hundreds of kilometers an hour!" and the anime skips this exchange in favor of a Gilligan cut to everyone crowded into the plane with the baby.

Cascada: I've never tried a drive-by with my Stand. I shoulda done that to that Wheel of Fortune guy...

Jotaro: If the mother's fine with it, then so am I. I'd worry more about Grampa's flying than an enemy Stand, though.
Polnareff: Then it's settled!

I believe this cutscene was the final time you'll get to see Cascada: Saudi Arabia Edition. I gotta wonder how much work it was to implement this odd detail that lasts for two, maybe three segments.

Sometimes a baby just has bad vibes.

I wish I could sleep on planes. I don't have that superpower; best I can manage is entering a half-conscious fugue state.

Jotaro: Kakyoin? Are you asleep already?
Polnareff: Oh, yeah, he said he had a bad dream this morning, so I guess he didn't get that much rest. Well, guess I'll take a nap, too... -yaaaaaaaaawn-

Polnareff: ......Whew... So it's just a dream, huh? What a relief! This dead dog really had me freaked out. Dreams are only scary if you psych yourself out enough to think they are! You should relax, Kakyoin!
Kakyoin: But think about it, Polnareff... Why would two people be having the same dream?
Polnareff: ...............Huh, I guess that IS kinda weird! Well, dreams usually are. Wooooah! I made popcorn and soft serve ice cream appear in my hand! This is fantastic! It's a dream! Lighten up a little! Hahahahahaha!
Kakyoin: Are you twelve!?

I feel like the scary thing about dreams is that you have no control over them, but I'm not a lucid dreamer. Lucid dreamers sound off, I guess.

Polnareff: ...Who did it, then?
Kakyoin: The enemy Stand... Death 13!
Polnareff: A Stand? Whaaaat? You had a dream about an enemy Stand!? Hahaha! You've really gotta relax, Kakyoin!
Kakyoin: No, you've got it all wrong! This isn't a dream about a Stand... It's a Stand inside a dream!
Polnareff: Well, yeah, duh. This IS a dream.
Kakyoin: How do you not get it!?!? That's not the point!!!

Time for a tangent about the "rally-ho!" thing! You might also recognize this phrase as the greeting dwarves use in the Final Fantasy series. It originates from the 1966 Hanna-Barbera superhero cartoon The Impossibles, which was a cult hit in Japan as "Super Three". "Rally-ho!" was the group's battle cry, and at this point the phrase itself has just sort of spread through the public consciousness.

As for why it's being used here of all places, the original Dragon Quest used the phrase for its sleep spell (translated as "Snooze" in English). Referencing it for a sleep/dream based Stand isn't much of a stretch, particularly with Shonen Jump's deep ties to Dragon Quest. Here's the cover of the Jan. 22, 1990 edition of Weekly Jump showcasing all of the currently running mangaka of the time in DQ cosplay:

Dragon Ball's Akira Toriyama at the bottom of the third column and JoJo's Hirohiko Araki is right above him.

Kakyoin: Come out! Hierophant Green! ......? ...!? Polnareff, bring out your Chariot! C'mon, Hierophant Green!
Polnareff: My... my Stand isn't coming out!
Polnareff: This has never happened before!
Kakyoin: Hierophant isn't appearing either! It must be because it's a dream!

Both party members are inflicted with the "Dreaming" status here, which locks you out of your entire ability menu. All you can do is a basic attack or guard.

One neat detail is that every Stand has its own basic attack animation, whether that be Hermit Purple's vines, Magician's Red's fireballs, or Quicksilver's laser beams. In this battle, Kakyoin and Polnareff lose their Emerald Splash and sword-slash attack animations and just get a generic "hit" effect for swinging with their fists.

It ends quick, as any hopeless boss fight ought to.

At the last moment, Polnareff fades out of existence.

Joseph: Polnareff! Wake up, Polnareff! Hey, don't go to sleep yet! You've gotta change the baby's diapers first!
Polnareff: U-uggghhh...
Kakyoin: N-nnnn... Zzz... Zzz...

Jotaro: Hm?
Joseph: What's wrong, Jotaro?
Jotaro: Thought I heard someone click their tongue...
Joseph: You're probably just hearing things. Hey, Polnareff! Are you awake yet!? C'mon it's an emergency!
Polnareff: All right, all right... Fine. Whew... I had a terrible nightmare... But... I can't seem to remember what about.

Cascada: Here's the diaper.
Polnareff: Uhhhhhhhhh... How do you do this again? I've never changed a diaper before... Where are the Pampers?
Joseph: Where do you think we are? There are no disposable diapers out here. You just use cloth and close it with a safety pin.
Polnareff: Shouldn't you be doing this, Cascada?
Cascada: What? No way. You're the one who said we should take the baby.
Polnareff: Hmm... Huh? Ack!! Euuughh... Ewww! H-hey, wait! There's poop in the diaper! Look! Do you see!?
Joseph: Well, yeah, it's a baby. Why else would it be wearing a diaper?
Polnareff: Seriously!? Yuck! What a filthy creature!

Polnareff: How about like this? Is this fine...?
Cascada: Polnareff, you're doing it all wrong! You'll hurt the baby that way.
Polnareff: T-this baby needs to learn that the world isn't always fair! Sometimes you just can't use the bathroom where you want!
Cascada: At least redo the safety pin, man. Come on.
Polnareff: Argh... YOU do it then!
Cascada: Good grief... Fine, hand it over. ...You're gonna make a terrible father.

Kakyoin: Aaauuuggghhh!! Stop! Stop it!
Jotaro: What's wrong, Kakyoin!?
Joseph: What's going on back there?
Kakyoin: Stooooopppp!!
Joseph: S-shit! He bumped the controls! We're in a tailspin! It's out of control!
Jotaro: H-hey... This plane... Is it... gonna crash?
Joseph: Uhh.... UHHH...
Cascada: Y-you've gotta be kidding!

Aha! Our escapades with Joseph in Karachi have pushed him up over that 10 FP threshold. Now all we need to do is make sure Polnareff stays below 10.

Kakyoin: Y-your user is... That baby!? Unbelievable... He can't be more than 6 months old...

Supposedly the eyes are one of the best parts of a fish; my father always took them for himself. It's definitely true for the meat from the head, at least. Fish head curry is a Singapore classic.

Kakyoin: (I can't believe it... A Stand that attacks you in your dreams... I have to let Jotaro and the others know somehow! But my memories are erased as soon as I wake up, and I can't bring out my Stand here... What can I do...? ...That's it!)

Now, not to get prudish or all "urgh, kids these days" or anything, but maybe 11-month-olds shouldn't be trying to brag about how big their dicks are. Who knows what else they'll start saying! It might lead to a bit of a slippery slope, you know?

Meanwhile...

Polnareff: That was too close!
Joseph: Whew... Just in the nick of time!
Cascada: W-we just barely made it...

Cascada: Mr. Joestar! In front of you!!!
Jotaro: Hey!

Joseph: Wha... what's a palm tree doing in a place like this!?
Jotaro: Gimme a break. I knew it was too good to be true...

A simple but effective tile technique to communicate nighttime. Honestly, like 30% of why I'm doing this Let's Play is to try and absorb RPG Maker tricks via osmosis.

Kakyoin: ............I don't know... I really don't... I feel like I had a horrible dream... And when I woke up, I felt like death... Am I going crazy...?
Joseph: Perk up, Kakyoin! You're probably just strung out from everything that's happened so far. It's already been 17 days since we've left Japan.
Cascada: Being hounded by killer bugs and evil dolls on a daily basis is AT LEAST as bad as jet lag.
Polnareff: And there hasn't been a decent bathroom since Hong Kong!
Jotaro: Hey, the baby's fever went down.
Joseph: Oh, thank goodness! If something happened to this innocent baby under our care, I don't know what I'd do...

Joseph: Look, it's laughing! Isn't that precious?
Polnareff: ? ...Is that supposed to be funny?
Joseph: I'm not trying to be funny! Listen, when you cover up your face, the baby thinks you're gone. Then, when you move your hands and go "peek-a-boo!"... It sees that you're there again, and it's happy!
Polnareff: I think you just look like an idiot.

This is called "object permanence". Supposedly, infants don't develop the cognitive ability to understand it until they're between 1 and 2 years old, but that's based on some pretty old research by Jean Piaget. A related concept is "conservation", where children under a certain threshold can't discern that - for example - a tall, thin glass of water can hold the same amount of liquid as a short, wide one.

Jotaro: Hey, Gramps... The radio's still intact. Should we send out an S.O.S. signal? If we do, Dio's allies will probably know we're here.
Joseph: We've got no choice... We can't afford to endanger this baby! Call the rescue team.

This is an all-timer "absurd JoJo moment" for me. Of course it makes perfect sense in context, but it's such a comical image. The idea that Kakyoin somehow recognizes his own (English!) handwriting in the form of carving a message into his own arm with a pocket knife is just the cherry on top.

Kakyoin: This looks like a knife wound... But there's no blood on my knife! Did I forget something important...!?
Baby: (Shit... He's smarter than I gave him credit for... I thought he was trying to just wake himself up when he cut himself, but I was wrong...)
Kakyoin: !? What? The baby averted its eyes... It was avoiding my gaze on purpose! "Baby"... "Stand"... I get it! The baby is the Stand user! Agh... Am I really going crazy!? I'm actually starting to suspect this baby!
Baby: Waaaaaaaahhh!!
Joseph: Hey, Kakyoin! What are you doing!?
Kakyoin: Ah!! N-no, I wasn't...

This reminds me of a classic Giant Bomb segment. I'll remember "NO NO NO! PLEASE DON'T SHAKE THE BABY!" for probably the rest of my life.

Joseph: Anyhow... Let's hurry up and get dinner ready so we can sleep. We need the rest.
Baby: (Heh heh heh...!)

Cascada: I'm asking myself that about all of you every single day.
Jotaro: He hasn't had a cherry in a while... it might be withdrawal.
Baby: Goo goo... (Gweh-heh! I thought I was in trouble there... But Kakyoin's starting to doubt himself! And we're smack in the middle of the desert... I'll just kick back for a while until I can kill them. If there's no one to wake them, then there's no hope of escaping the world of my Death 13! After that, I'll wait for my allies to pick me up...)

I suppose you would call this some kind of banana bread pudding? This also brings up the question of why a propeller plane flying through the desert had so many perishables onboard (or how they survived the crash, for that matter), but JoJo is not a series to be logically examined to such a needless extent.

Polnareff: Amazing! This is delicious! Gimme more!
Joseph: Then there won't be any left for the baby!
Baby: (What's this asshole doing!? Is he trying to eat all of my food!? C'mon, I'm hungry! Feed me already!)

I don't think I - a grown man - could do this; arachnophobia aside, my aim simply wouldn't be good enough. I guess the smaller you are, the higher your innate DEX bonus is, though.

Kakyoin: It killed a scorpion... I knew it! T-this baby is...
Baby: (N-now I've done iiitttt!!)
Kakyoin: Mr. Joestar! Polnareff! This isn't your average baby! I just saw it kill a scorpion! It stabbed it with the safety pin in the blink of an eye!

Joseph: A scorpion...! ...Where?
Kakyoin: It's inside of the crib!! Its body should be in there somewhere! ......! It's... It's gone...
Both: .........
Kakyoin: It's... it's true!! Please believe me!! It must have hidden it somewhere... Search its clothes!
Joseph: That's enough, Kakyoin! Just stop. You clearly need rest. We can talk tomorrow morning once you've calmed down. Go get some sleep.

Yeah my jars of scorpions always say "Warning! Do Not Feed To Infants Under 1 Year of Age" on them. Gotta be careful.

No notes. Is it bad that I find this hilarious?

Cascada: Ka... Kakyoin...
Polnareff: You've really gone off the deep end...
Joseph: OH MY GOD!
Jotaro: Kakyoin... Did you... do that to yourself?
Kakyoin: Yes, obviously! It's in my handwriting! It's incontrovertible proof that this baby has a Stand!
Polnareff: (g-gulp...)
Cascada: H-he can't tell the difference between dreams and reality anymore... To make his story seem coherent, he must have subconsciously...
Joseph: Again, I reiterate:
Joseph: OH! MY! GOD!

This is the main reason I bothered to get Kakyoin's FP up. You can't choose to believe him unless he's got at least 7.

Cascada: ...I believe Kakyoin.
Polnareff: H-hey, Cascada!! Do you realize what you're saying!?
Cascada: Of course... There's a chance that Kakyoin's misinterpreting the situation. But even though the chances are slim, this baby could definitely be a Stand user... And if it really has the power to kill in dreams, we could be in a lot of danger.
Kakyoin: Cascada...!
Cascada: Frankly, sometimes a baby just has bad vibes.
Polnareff: C'mon, it's just a baby! Are you nuts!?

This isn't even the only Stand-using baby in the series. I can think of at least two others, though you could argue that one of those isn't a user but a Stand itself.

Jotaro: ......That's a good point.
Kakyoin: This baby is nowhere near as attractive as Miss Holly, but yes! Let's go with that!
Cascada: You really should think about the words that come out of your mouth sometimes.
Joseph: But even so, do you intend to incapacitate an infant child!?
Kakyoin: That won't be necessary. If its Stand can only attack us while we're asleep, then the solution is quite simple. All we have to do is make sure at least one of us is awake at all times. If it attacks someone, we'll know from the wounds.

The good ol' DnD rotating watch, nothing beats that! Especially not the DM rolling on the encounter table once per person on watch. Definitely cool and not tedious as hell to fight a bunch of zombies in the jungle while you're trying to take a long rest.

Joseph: H-hmm... I suppose that's not unreasonable...
Jotaro: ...Seems like taking turns sleeping is the best plan even if Kakyoin's story is a load of bull. We did send out a radio signal... That'll tip off our location to the enemy, and they could easily arrive before the rescue team. We can defend against any potential attackers while allaying Kakyoin's suspicions. It's a win-win situation.
Cascada: I think those are the most words I've ever heard you speak in a single go.
Jotaro: ...my throat's getting sore...
Joseph: ...All right. You've sold me. We'll have someone stand guard.
Baby: (Wh... whaaaat!? Urgh... This isn't how this was supposed to go!!)
Joseph: ...All right then. I'm going to sleep. Once the plane's fixed, I'll need to be alert to fly it.
Polnareff: I didn't get a wink of sleep, so I'm tired. I'm sleeping too!

Believing Kakyoin gives you an additional 3 FP. It seems like by the end of this run, Polnareff is the only one who won't be using our nickname.

Jotaro: Don't overdo it, Kakyoin.
Kakyoin: Well, despite everything, I did get an afternoon nap in, so I'll be fine. ...Anyhow, The Machine...
Cascada: Hm? What's up?

You can only choose to believe Kakyoin if he has 7 FP, but you only get this bit with the charm if you already had 10 FP with him when you choose to believe him. With the +3, I think he might actually be ahead of Joseph now.

Baby: (This just isn't my day... Kakyoin's keeping a close eye out... I'll have to stop their hearts and kill them without him noticing... Then I'll leave Kakyoin to my allies!)

Actually, this brings up a question. Does The Baby ^{_{(Bottle Ship, Mother's Cry... The Baby)}} - actual name, Mannish Boy - have to also be asleep to use its Stand? The manga doesn't really answer either way, but I'd probably lean towards no.

Polnareff: Do you get it!? Kakyoin was telling the truth!! "Baby Stand"! We fell for the enemy's trick! It may be hard to believe, but that baby is the Stand user! When we wake up, we won't remember any of this... That's what's really terrifying!
Cascada: Then what happened on the plane was also...!
Jotaro: I can't believe he wasn't spouting bullshit for once...

If you're the kind of person reading this, I imagine you already know, but "off-model" is a term used in animation referring to art that doesn't match the established style of a work. Animation is a huge undertaking and involves many different people drawing the same things, so there are often "model sheets" showcasing characters from multiple angles to help keep things consistent.

There are a bunch of unique sprites for this one-off event, and there's accordingly one for every single player type. Cascada with the >< eyes is particularly good, I think.

Polnareff: W-we can't move... There's no way for us to alert Kakyoin!! We were too naive... Anything can happen in this world! There are no rules here... He can do whatever he likes with us!! No... There is one rule... His only rule is that we all be dead by the time this is over!

Death 13: Rally-ho!
Jotaro: Rraaauuugh!! Star Platinum!!

I'm sure the specific form of this gag originates from somewhere, but I'd like to think "making wacky faces as a joke" is a universal human trait.

Death 13: Stands are made of your spirit energy! But when you're dreaming, your spirit is off guard! Death 13 has locked your spirits in that defenseless state, so your Stands won't be able to manifest!

Cascada: Good thing I have my burlap sack of two dozen bazookas that I looted from Joey's mansion!
Baby: Wait, no, uh... UHHH...

How's Cascada going to blast her way out of this one, folks?

Joseph: I thought the plan was that you wake us up?
Kakyoin: It's MY turn to save the day! I haven't gotten a chance since the Hanged Man!
Polnareff: Bullshit! You got Lovers and you helped with The Sun!
Kakyoin: Just let me have this! I'm still furious about that Dragon Quest cartridge!
Jotaro: What about Dio's other minions?

Baby: Rrrgh... L-let me go!!
Kakyoin: Quit struggling. You can't hit me with your scythe in this position. Even if you're just a baby... I'll still break your neck if you don't stop resisting...!
Joseph: Kakyoin!
Cascada: It's okay, he can probably do it even with his spindly arms!

Cascada: Hey!
Polnareff: I STILL don't understand why you make us fight those will-o-wisps for two hours every time we stop in town. You being crazy is the only explanation!
Kakyoin: Don't mention it, Polnareff. It wasn't for naught.
Baby: (H-he's not twisting my neck off because I'm a baby... What a fool! Kakyoin... Your naivete will be the death of you! you're still in my nightmare world!)

Baby: Haven't you realized!? My Stand has no body! It's just a head, arms, and a scythe! Man, you guys are dumb! Hee hee hee hee hee!!

Baby: !?
Kakyoin: Look closer... My Stand wasn't just clinging to its back for the hell of it.
Baby: H-he wasn't cut apart at all! He's turning into a ribbon and entering my ear! Aaaaaaauuughhh!! It's going iiinnnnn!!
Kakyoin: I've been practicing my ear-entering technique ever since Karachi!

Kakyoin: You're not a good listener, are you? My Hierophant can stretch indefinitely... That's why I was saying you couldn't hit me with your scythe! Now... If you have any attachment to your guts, then heal this wound on my arm. ...You said you could do ANYTHING in the dream world, right? This can't be that hard.
Baby: ...No thanks! Rally-ho!
Kakyoin: ! What did you say!?
Baby: That wasn't me you entered at all, dumbass!

Baby: Rally-ho!! Time for the final round! Come and get it, Kakyoin!!
Cascada: Sorry to keep you waiting... Maybe I can be of assistance.
Baby: !! ...W-what now!?
Cascada: The charm Kakyoin gave me earlier really was magic. Look at the incantation. "Bring your Stand out before you sleep and keep it hidden..." That's what it says!
Baby: Y-you've gotta be kidding me!!
Kakyoin: Time to pay your dues, Death 13!

Now, you might ask how this works when Quicksilver is a big ol' arm cannon, but allow me to direct you back to Update 3:

Quicksilver is clearly visible as a separate sprite here, so Cascada was probably hiding it under her clothes or something in the nightmare. Not that it makes any difference in the event; I'm pretty sure it goes the same no matter how obvious your Stand might be normally.

I really like the "it can be detached if necessary" bit, even though it never comes up in earnest. I could totally imagine a situation where Cascada secretly sets it up at a different angle and fires a remote blast.

If you believe Kakyoin's story, he fights Death 13 solo. If you get the Charm, then it's this 2v2 situation. If you elect not to believe him, things just go according to the manga where Kakyoin wins anyway... but the game actually gives you the option to skip the whole event, which is a privilege normally reserved for NG+.

We're pretty overleveled after I took everyone through Joey's mansion. The fight isn't much to write home about, but we do want to make sure we kill Fake Star Platinum for its item drop.

Death 13 is highly susceptible to Kakyoin's status-inducing moves, so it'd probably be an easy win even if I didn't grind in Karachi.

That Starplatodine from Fake Star Platinum is a Speed-boosting permanent stat buff item. We've actually accumulated quite a few boosters; I should probably just use them instead of grinding all the time.

Joseph: Me too... A really awful one. I just can't remember...
Polnareff: Ah! Kakyoin! A-are you feeling okay?
Kakyoin: What do you mean?

Kakyoin: What? Are you still feeling drowsy? Get your head in the game, Polnareff! Anyhow, it's time to change the baby...
Cascada: -whispering- I'm surprised you aren't rubbing it in that you were right.
Kakyoin: -whispering- It's much more fun to gaslight him.
Cascada: -whispering- ...I can't believe I let you talk me into doing this TWICE...

Baby: ......Urk...
Kakyoin: Seems like only The Machine and I remember. I suppose it's because we brought our Stands into the dream... Well, what can you do? You're a baby, so it's not like I can maim you. We'll just take you to the next town over. Your mother ought to be around somewhere...

So, I mean... this baby is already working as an assassin for Dio. Does that mean his mother is also in on it? She'd have to be, right?

Joseph: That's great!! He didn't eat anything last night, so he must be starving!
Baby: (No! Stop! Not that!)
Joseph: Are you gonna eat this time?
Baby: Mrgh... U... ugh! Mmmmghhh!!
Joseph: It's tasty! Say aaah!
Baby: Mmmmmhhh!! Mmf! Mmf mmf!!
Joseph: My, my... Refusing to eat again? What's gotten into you? If you're this fussy as a child, imagine how you're going to be as an adult! You have to eat!

Baby: Wah!
Polnareff: His mouth's open!
Joseph: Here we go! See? I told you it was tasty!

My friend likes to bring up a thought experiment sometimes that she calls the "shit milkshake". We all like a good milkshake, but whether by the cook's intent or by the random chance of the universe, there is some amount of shit in your milkshake. The question is: how much shit are you willing to have in your milkshake before you no longer wish to consume it?

Or in more practical terms, how much proverbial shit are you willing to put up with in your media before you no longer want to engage with it? The threshold is, naturally, different for everyone; there are different kinds of shit, and some people pay good money for kopi luwak.

This one was not quite as long as the Justice update, but edging right up against it. I usually dismiss them as genre haters, but I'm starting to sympathize with the "too many cutscenes!" people... just a bit.

See you again!

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24 - THE SUN THE SUN THE SUN THE SUN TH

2025-01-11T17:13:22.371Z

(Originally Posted August 16, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we finished off Karachi by raiding two different mansions belonging to two different creeps. This time, we begin the journey to Saudi Arabia.

Offscreen, I raided Joey's mansion with each other party member. Everyone's at minimum Level 28 now.

Cascada: I never knew how much I'd miss killing things after a mere 48 hours.
Polnareff: I'm so glad that ship had a western-style toilet.
Kakyoin: Did you have to also SLEEP in the lavatory, though?
Polnareff: You don't know what I've been holding in, Kakyoin...

Joseph: In Tokyo, they'd fetch 30 or 40 billion on the market easily. These kinds of houses must be pretty typical for people here... 20 years ago, this place was nothing but desert, but it's exploded with the recent spike in oil prices. Now, it's like something out of a dream!
Cascada: By the way... Do I really have to wear this cloak?

I have no idea how true either of these statements are, whether in the 80s or now. It's a bit of an odd detail to include in the game, because by the time you regain control of the party it's automatically unequipped anyway. All this means in a practical sense is that a few cutscenes will have a unique sprite for Cascada.

Joseph: If anyone asks, you're my daughter!
Cascada: If Jojo calls me "auntie", I'm gonna start blasting.
Kakyoin: On that note, I hope Jotaro's extremely attractive mother is doing well...
Jotaro: Give me a @#S% break...
Cascada: (I guess it'll be more trouble than it's worth if I don't put it on...)

Kakyoin: N-no, just enjoying the view... If anyone were tailing us, we'd know. Honestly, I'm just looking back out of habit...
Polnareff: Yeah, I know what you mean... We've been attacked by so many Stand users lately that I've been super on-edge!
Cascada: With you around, no bathroom is safe...
Polnareff: Don't jinx me, Cascada!
Joseph: All right, I think I've worked out our route from now on.

Joseph: I can pilot it myself, of course! It's a good plan, right?
All: NO IT ISN'T!
Joseph: Why not!? This should work out perfectly!

Joseph: .................Hmph! Fine. In that case, we'll use Plan B... We'll use camels! It'll take about a day.
Polnareff: Camels!? Hey, I'm fine with the plane! I've never ridden a camel before!
Joseph: Heh heh heh heh! Relax! I know all about riding camels! I'll teach you how!

Cascada: Just because I'm the only one here who showers regularly doesn't mean I'm carrying around air fresheners.
Polnareff: What about that rouge I gave you?
Cascada: ...do you even understand what rouge is??

"Cascada, you have to wear a chador while in Saudi Arabia... okay, now let's get on camels and cross the desert alone! You still have to wear it, though!"

Jokes aside, it might actually be preferable in this kind of situation just to stay cool.

Polnareff: Are you sure you've done this before?
Joseph: H-heh heh heh... I told you, let me handle this! I've seen Lawrence of Arabia 3 times! ...Although I fell asleep halfway through 2 times out of the 3...
Polnareff: What, a movie!? So you really haven't ridden one!

I've never seen Lawrence of Arabia myself. I suppose I'm uncultured or something. Or just not British.

Jotaro: Sounds fake.
Cascada: You've said a lot of dumb things, but this is the most bullshit of them all.
Joseph: I didn't go to Venice and climb a massive oil-coated spire with my best friend to take lip from you, kid.

Joseph: Look! It sat down! You've gotta give it what it wants! Heh heh heh!

My understanding is they're covered to retain as much moisture as possible when exhaling. Camels are the most hydrated of mammals.

Joseph: ......S-so, make sure not to resist the rhythm like I just did, and you'll be fine!
Kakyoin: Are you saying to treat the camel like a woman?
Polnareff: Oh, now I get it! Heh heh!
Jotaro: ......Give me a @#S% break......

Insert comedy sting here as we fade out and back in.

Kakyoin: .........I just can't shake the feeling that we're being watched...
Polnareff: Kakyoin, don't be so jumpy! We're sweeping our tracks with palm fronds, and we can see everything clearly within a couple of miles.
Jotaro: No... I've actually had the same feeling.
Joseph: Why don't you take a look, Jotaro?
Jotaro: All right... I'll use Star Platinum's vision.

Joseph: Anything out of the ordinary...?
Jotaro: No... I didn't see anything... And yet... something feels off.
Cascada: When was the last time you drank some water?
Jotaro: Dunno.
Polnareff: He's just saving it for when he really needs it!

(Disclaimer: DO NOT DO THIS. If you're dying of thirst in the middle of the desert you should just drink your damn water. It won't help you if it's not in your body.)

Joseph: Well, it is the hottest time of day.

I was in downtown Los Angeles for Anime Expo in 2018 and the temperatures were hitting something like 115-120 Fahrenheit (47-50ish Centigrade). That's "drinking water all day and you never piss once" weather right there. Funnily enough, I was in line for a JoJo panel at the time; not because I was there for JoJo, but because it was before the panel I actually wanted to see (the Studio Trigger panel where they premiered SSSS.Gridman.)

Jotaro: 8:10......!?
Cascada: Did Steely Dan mess up your TAG Heuer?
Kakyoin: That's unthinkable! No Stand user could defeat precision Swiss engineering!
Joseph: I-I should've been paying attention! What's going on!? It's past 8, and yet...! Why isn't the sun going down!?

Jotaro: It must be a Stand!!
Cascada: B-but it's huge!
Polnareff: How is that possible!? We're smack in the middle of the desert! If the sun keeps shining like this all day... I mean, all night... We'll fry up like a bunch of eggs!
Joseph: It won't take nearly that long! Even in a sauna, you can't stay in more than 30 minutes or you'll be in danger!

Okay, obviously high temperatures will fuck you up regardless, but the reason a sauna can get dangerous is that the high humidity prevents your sweat from evaporating. That means your body can't regulate its temperature at all and you overheat much quicker.

Jotaro: ...The quickest way is to beat up the user.
Joseph: The user has to be close... We've got to find him... I don't know how they evaded our sight in this wide open desert, but there's got to be a trick to it...
Polnareff: Wait, Mr. Joestar! What if it's like the Lovers Stand we met in Pakistan!? He could be controlling it from far away!
Joseph: No, that's not possible! Only weak Stands can be controlled at that kind of distance... And it's clear to see that this "sun" consumes a lot of energy. The user must be close!

Later Parts of JoJo establish exceptions to this rule in the form of "Automatic" Stands. The idea behind those is that while they can maintain high power levels while far away from the user, they cannot be controlled directly and only carry out basic, pre-set tasks. At least one player Stand has some of these characteristics.

You can only help out Kakyoin here if you have a Long-range Stand. Quicksilver fits the bill, so time to start blasting.

Jotaro: ...! Shit, something's wrong! Kakyoin! Bring back your Hierophant! Hurry! It's doing something!

We experienced the "Mummy" status effect against Black Eyed Peas in Update 15. It's just a regular HP-draining effect, but it can't be removed with the usual status curatives.

The Sun is actually pretty tough, because it does these moves automatically each turn on top of shooting you with Sun Lasers (yep, just like Cascada's). So you're taking damage over time on top of getting blinded or dizzied every turn, limited to your multi-target attacks.

It becomes a real slugfest, not helped by the low hit rate of Cardiac Massage (the universal revival skill). It sucks to spend three turns trying to get someone back up while eating hits to the face.

Actually I think I would rather hoard Phoenix Down than have this be the way to revive people. Ugh.

Sure, Master Roshi and Piccolo each blew up the moon, but Cascada just blew up the sun. Even Goku couldn't blow up the sun! He blasted Cooler into it and everything and the sun was fine!

Editor's Note: Noriaki Kakyoin's contributions or lack thereof towards this feat would be discussed by future historians for decades.

Polnareff: Ahh, I see! He was reflecting the sand's image, so we didn't notice him tailing us.
Kakyoin: And look! The space behind the mirror is pretty comfortable. There's even an air conditioner.
Cascada: Not to mention a cooler and a water tank... He must've had a pleasant time driving this thing.
Jotaro: Any beers in there?
Cascada: Nothing but plain seltzer. Bastard...

A neat detail here: the mirror is fully intact. If you fled from the battle and defeated The Sun via cutscene - where Jotaro figures out the trick and pitches a rock to take out the user - the mirror is accordingly broken.

Like so. I won't show the whole alternate version like I did with Emperor and Hanged Man this time - that was a special occasion - but I do recommend watching the anime version of The Sun. It's episode 18 of the Stardust Crusaders season and contains a particularly high concentration of Joseph screaming swear words in English.

Jotaro: The Sun was a pretty fierce opponent... Unfortunately, once we saw through his trick, he was just another idiot. Heh heh heh...
Kakyoin: All right, let's continue on. The desert's actually pretty cold at night...
Polnareff: No kidding... A-atchooooo!!
Cascada: Oh, if we have to...

What a lovely brisk update before a couple of bigguns; I'd better enjoy my lighter workload while I can. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

23 - Resident Evil But Worse

2025-01-10T19:49:53.675Z

(Originally Posted August 9, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we explored about 80% of Karachi, got sold a bootleg Famicom cartridge, and learned about a secret shop. This time, we're going to wrap all that shit up.

Cascada: For all we know, this is one of those bootlegs that's secretly kinda cool.
Kakyoin: My smile is gone for good. The mere concept of counterfeit Dragon Quest III cartridges spreading throughout the world fills me with dread and anhedonia.
Cascada: Crushing my enemies usually cheers me up.
Kakyoin: I don't usually go for the wisdom of the commonfolk, but I'm willing to try.

When I was a kid, I got a bootleg Game Boy Color cartridge labelled "Pokemon Jade" at a local Chinese supermarket. It had the forest spirit from Princess Mononoke on the cover. Turns out it was a completely different monster-collecting game with a shoddy translation called "Cellphone Monster Telefang". Instead of keeping dudes in Poke Balls, you called monsters on your cellphone to fight for you.

Let's test out Cascada's new move. I always forget Quicksilver is meant to work by transforming minerals into energy rather than simply shooting beams.

It doesn't always restore both HP and SP, but it's a nice way to spend a turn rather than dropping a curative (as long as the situation isn't too dire).

Cascada: That so-called secret shop is supposed to be around here.
Kakyoin: Soon they shall know the wrath of a gamer.

There's a hidden alleyway here with a door at the far end.

Kakyoin: No! I am here for JUSTICE!
Secret Shopkeep: ...You a cop?
Cascada: Fuck the police.
Secret Shopkeep: Right on, sister.
Kakyoin: The charlatan down the road claims you provided him with this putrid forgery of the honorable Dragon Quest III. What do you have to say for yourself!?
Secret Shopkeep: NO! DON'T BRING IT BACK!
Cascada: Wh-
Secret Shopkeep: That thing is cursed! I tried to get rid of it dozens of times, but it always returned to the console! I couldn't play anything else except F-MEGA!
Cascada: Oh my god... not F-MEGA! That's a fate worse than death!
Kakyoin: ...and yet, it passed to that shopkeep's hands, and now to Cascada's! Explain yourself!
Secret Shopkeep: I asked a fortune-teller in Cairo. He said the curse could not be broken, only transferred to another... by selling it at full retail price. The mafia sold it to me, so I couldn't do anything but find some other sucker...
Both: .........
Cascada: Well, shit.
Kakyoin: Cascada... no... I...
Cascada: Eh, my PC-Engine is better anyway. What you got for sale?

Some of these damage items can be pretty useful, such as the Bearing/Rifle Ammo which gives Jotaro access to a decent Long-range attack. We're also long overdue for an armor upgrade since I'm still using the brass knuckles from HK. But forget all that; this shop sells something very special.

I said Cascada only learns two more moves (well, one more now that we have Absorb Iron) by leveling up. I didn't say anything about learning moves from books.

Cascada: I always wanted to learn some trick shooting, even before I had an arm cannon.

BZZZZZT

I fucked up. These books teach bullet skills; Quicksilver shoots beams. I guarantee none of you are as annoyed by this as I am.

There's no point holding on to the manuals, so I load a save to get my money back.

Cascada: Well, that was a total waste of time and now I'm stuck with a cursed video game cartridge. Yippee.
Kakyoin: We can still seize the day, Cascada! Surely one of these quaint foreign shops has something worthwhile.
Cascada: (I almost miss crazed gamer Kakyoin...)

Cascada: You could certainly call it that...
Kakyoin: That's right. Why don't I get you something to remember this trip by? Something that just screams Karachi!
Cascada: Screams... Karachi?

Kakyoin: Just like y-
Cascada: Brass knuckles.
Kakyoin: ...right. At least as an apology for the Dragon Quest debacle, then?
Cascada: Oh, fine.

The mirror does in fact get added to our inventory as a reusable item.

It hits all enemies with a decent chance to cause blindness. I will probably forget it exists immediately after this update.

Cascada: It's been a few hours, I'm gonna go check on Mr. Joestar.
Kakyoin: Give him my regards. I must ensure the rest of these shops are up to standard.

Cascada: Mhm. You feeling any better? Good enough to finally get some grub, even?
Joseph: Yeah... but everyone in the lobby kept talking about some kind of mansion north of here...
Cascada: Aaand you think there might be an enemy Stand user?
Joseph: Let's go!

Cascada: Nice place. Time to loot!

Joseph: HOLY SHIT!!
Cascada: Aaagghh!

The entire mansion is scattered with tiles that inflict around 20-30 damage. It's possible to avoid most of them if you use a map, but I do not have that kind of patience.

Yes, this is the exact same Handkerchief that was in a chest in Cascada's room, where you start the game.

This is a battle item that lets you absorb some HP from an enemy. It will probably go unused the entire game like most of our battle items.

Unlike many field/environmental damage traps in JRPGs, the invisible force can outright kill you if you aren't paying attention.

Cascada's Ripple Breathing and Joseph's Deep Breathing see some use here just so that I don't deplete all my good items. I do use up some of the lower-level ones to restore SP along the way.

Imagine seeing about a dozen more of these.

The center stairwell is a trap that takes you to a dead end. We need to use this side one instead.

Cascada: -huff, huff, huff- Okay, yeah... breathing... like this... is actually... pretty hard...
Joseph: -huff, huff- I'm really out of practice...

Joseph: Are you the one behind all those slashings!?
Cascada: Even if he wasn't, I'd kick his ass out of principle at this point.

Cascada: Can we meet ONE Stand user who isn't a massive creep?

Weirdly enough there are multiple musicians named Don Cherry and multiple songs/albums titled Dirty Work, so pick your favorites.

Don Cherry either heals himself or shoots guns, while Dirty Work deals solid damage along with annoying status effects like Fear and Bleed. Meanwhile, the Slash Energies are invisible enemies that spawn in and self-destruct, but you can still target and attack them if you want.

Not that it matters.

If you forgot, Devo was the guy who ambushed Polnareff in his hotel room in Update 12. Weird pull for this random guy.

Cascada: For all the people talking about this mansion, it was a bit of a letdown.
Joseph: Hmm... maybe there's a different mansion?

With the slash energy gone, we can loot with impunity.

Cascada: ......
Joseph: Uh...

Ah, the infamous bunny suit. If you wear it, your overworld sprite changes along with a surprisingly large amount of dialogue throughout the entire game.

Honestly, not a a terrible piece of equipment. Because it's too embarrassing, you can only equip the bunny suit while your character is alone (really alone, not out in public); even then, there's only a 10% chance it works. If you're in NG+ and join the Drama Club, that goes up to 50%.

None that matters if you're playing as the "Chubby" character type. There are no upsides, so many blatant downsides, and the game is just generally so mean-spirited about it that I don't even know why the creator made it an option.

The other side has the Jockstrap, the equivalent for male player characters that has way less unique dialogue acknowledging it. It's not in a chest here, but male characters also get "Japanese Clothing", a whole jidai-geki samurai outfit that serves a similar purpose.

No other player type has to deal with this kind of shit! Why!!

Joseph: I've worked up a bit of an appetite myself. Let's eat!

Again, I visited this place with Joseph last update to get food and nothing triggered. I was shocked and appalled when this popped up because I didn't know it was even possible.

Haleem is a stewed porridge dish where various grains and meats are cooked together and then mixed into a paste.

Joseph: Mmm... Hearty, but mellow! This would pair well with almost anything!

Biryani is a mixed rice dish with about as many variants as there are people who cook it. According to my cursory research, Sindhi biryani (which includes potatoes and tomatoes) is one of the most popular kinds in Pakistan.

Joseph: Mm, the Basmati rice goes well with the spices. It's got a lot of volume... Good, good!

With our sadly brief food tour at an end, it's time to hit up the final, terrible hot spot in Karachi. There's a shadowed alleyway on the eastern side of the map with a semi-hidden door.

Cascada: This is about the only other place within the two blocks that exist of the city of Karachi that could be called a mansion, I guess.
Joseph: There's got to be something here! It's my battle-forged intuition!

Quick stat check, for comparison later. We walk in, and...

Cascada: NO! NOOO!! AHHHHHH!!!
Joseph: OH MY GOD!

Welcome to Joey Hell. These are exactly the same dolls as the optional boss in Varanasi, which means they do not fuck around. Either you burst them down or they burst you down. It might as well be a coin flip.

Like so.

Nothing but the strongest attacks from now on. No holds barred against this fucker.

This mansion is three floors swarming with Joey Dolls who all spout canned lines from action movies. I'm going through my SP curatives faster than Laura Palmer went through that baggie of cocaine.

Glad I still had a few of these around, but 75 isn't even two Venom Cannons and it takes at least three to wipe an encounter. I settle into a pattern where I just keep blasting and if there's ever a time when there's only one Joey remaining, I spam Absorb Iron until he's dead.

Second floor.

The encounter in Karachi with the next highest experience yield is 400 EXP by fighting two Fireflies, so at least we're being duly rewarded for our trouble.

I said "wait, fuck" out loud when I did this unthinkingly. There's a secret switch on the top floor of Joey's mansion that only appears if you haven't opened the chests on the way up. My last save was before I even went inside. I have to kill my way through another dozen or so mini-bosses to get back to the second floor.

Cascada: I WILL KILL YOU AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES

This is a particularly sneaky one because he's hiding behind the door sprite. If you're still holding up when you open the door you're almost certainly going to blunder straight into him.

We reach the third floor after a solid 15 minutes of doing nothing but battling Joey Dolls. Surely he won't have some kind of fucked up puppet show happening just off camera!

Cascada: What the fuck? Is that my family?
Joseph: ...this can't be good...

They all have only one line of dialogue:

Congratulations on your wedding.

Wedding bells start clanging once you walk into this room.

Joseph: That's me! And Jotaro! Kakyoin and Polnareff too!
Cascada: ............

This is a cameo from JoJo's resident evil priest character, Part 6's Enrico Pucci. He'd probably officiate shit like this even without being a doll.

Alright, enough putting it off.

Cascada: I WILL RIP AND TEAR UNTIL IT IS DONE

Cascada: I! CAN'T! EVEN! WEAR! THAT! BUNNY! SUIT! YOU! SON! OF! A! BITCH!

Cascada: FORGET DIO I AM GOING TO KILL JOEY NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES

Joseph: Oh right, I'm sorry! An old man shouldn't be looking at something like this!
Cascada: If you speak a single word of this...
Joseph: I won't! I swear!
Cascada: ......thanks. None of the others would ever let me live this down...

There's a different event here for each party member that varies based on your gender, body type, and Stand. I can't be assed to show off the rest because fighting so many dolls is super tedious and I deserve to at least retain the experience points.

Also, there's no boss fight against Joey in the mansion. He's not actually here.

Not opening any of the chests down below is supposed to mean there's a secret switch under the briefcase. There isn't. Turns out it's NG+ only; I loaded that save earlier for no fucking reason.

7SU loves to dance on my grave.

The chests contain: two Bawdy Magazines (distracts an enemy), another Bunny Suit, a Massaging Machine (25%+10 SP, can be used 5 times), and Panties (distracts all enemies).

I hate Joey, which I suppose makes him an effective recurring villain. On the other hand, he's really just fucking gross. I'll admit I was kinda just like "yeah yeah perv villain whatever" until I had to start writing silly fake dialogue for Cascada. Attempting to inhabit that point of view even a little shifted me to "actually NendoTairiku probably should have toned this the fuck down".

We loot the rest of the mansion. The curatives here are mostly variants of previous potions with the extra effect of being retainable into Hard Mode, which otherwise wipes most of your inventory... not that I've ever bothered with Hard Mode.

This is a nice get, though. It increases all stats by 1 and your HP/SP by 2. Best to hold on to it in case I need to save edit my item quantities for an emergency.

You can scroll up and compare. Cascada went from 31 to 34; Joseph went from 22 to 28. We should be good on grinding for a hot minute, and we're flush with cash. Time to suit up.

Joseph: ...do you want to get something to eat?
Cascada: You trying to start some shit, old timer?
Joseph: No! I just thought it'd be a good idea to take our minds off that place.
Cascada: ...okay. Maybe a snack.

Kakyoin: I'll have one myself, please.
Joseph: Three mangoes then!

A mango is a tropical fruit, and the national fruit of Pakistan; this would most likely be an "Indian type" mango rather than a "Southeast Asian type". Mao Zedong once received a box of mangoes from the Pakistani Foreign Minister and gave them to workers at a university, causing the mango to be worshipped in Maoist China as a symbol of the proletariat for several years.

Joseph: Mm! So juicy! This is great!
Kakyoin: I've never had this cultivar before. It's delicious!
Cascada: ...Yeah, it's not bad.

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

22 - That's a Loto Bullshit

2025-01-10T19:49:51.691Z

(Originally Posted August 2, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we had a fantastic voyage to the center of Joseph's brain. This time, we finally get a chance to relax and putz around a hub town.

Cascada: Steel, what's the rundown on the Stand users in the area?
Steel: That fight left quite a bitter taste in my mouth... Though Enya's an enemy, I can't help but pity her. There don't appear to be any Tarot assassins in town, but I do sense a Stand user's presence in that peculiar mansion. And it reeks of blood... Whoever's in there, he's a cold-blooded killer. Once you're finished with your preparations, go to the meeting point at the harbor down south.
Cascada: A mansion? I won't have to put any crests into any slots, will I?
Steel: ...probably not...
Cascada: Hmm.

Mr. Tutorial's also hanging out over here.

PDB:

Those giant flies that spew fire... That's a Stand called Fireflies! It's easy to see where the name comes from. It implants fire into the bodies of actual flies and controls them. It takes a lot of energy to make them that big, so the user's pretty weak.

I stock up on some curatives. I'd rather not be dipping into the usable-in-battle drinks while on the field if possible.

Cascada: You holding up okay after that Steely Dan stuff, Mr. Joestar?
Joseph: I never want to see the insides of my own body ever again...
Cascada: Wanna walk around and get some local food?
Joseph: ...Okay.

Cascada: The elderly tend to be targeted more often. I'll look out for you.
Joseph: I didn't have a wacky minecart chase with an ancient superbeing while actively bleeding out to take lip from you, kid.

Karachi's a small but relatively dense map with a lot of enemy encounters, probably to make up for the fact we just went through four story segments without a real chance to grind or stock up (no, the Foggy Village and Rest Stop do not count). We go for a broad clockwise lap with Joseph in tow before I realize I probably should have switched it up a little more.

Just on this shot alone you can see three things chasing me down, and a fourth is covered by the text box.

Cascada: Oof. Guess my sister is gonna have to settle for the Chinese tea set.

As an example, here's a bus from Amherst, Massachusetts that was painted by Phool Patti, a truck art business in Karachi:

Cascada: Is that a hospital over there?
Joseph: Urgh... do we have to?
Cascada: We're just asking around. They'll know the best lunch spots.

This is a full heal, albeit an expensive one. If you recall Update 6, you can get the Sickly trait early on by telling Mom you need extra medicine, which causes a variable to tick up until you pass out and either respawn at the hospital or skip a day resting at the hotel. Getting an examination will reset that back to zero.

More RPG Maker wackiness: the way the variable ticks up is that there are a smattering of tiles on each hub map that'll increase it. It's entirely possible to either skip them by chance or blunder into all of them and screw yourself over.

~~JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: The 7th Stand User is dedicated to the brave Mujahideen fighters of Afghanistan~~

The mansion is the big optional thing here in Karachi, if you haven't realized by now.

Cascada: I thought this was SUMMER vacation...

It ain't winter here but I am attempting to write this update in 90+ Fahrenheit weather. That's 32-35 for you Centigrade folks. It sucks and I want to go to sleep.

Also, this girl is a cameo of Part 6's protagonist, Jolyne Kujo.

Cascada: -sigh- Should we check out this mansion, Mr. Joestar?
Joseph: With me? Are you sure? What about your Friendship Tracker?
Cascada: Wait you know about that?
Joseph: We hear you talk to your pocket radio all the time but everyone's too polite to say anything.
Cascada: I, uh, I mean... let me think about it.

Where doesn't! Global warming!! Ahhh!!!

A couple of player Stands can help fix this problem, but with a few more provisos than usual. You need to be at least level 30, have over 300 SP, and the Holly Timer has to be under 30 days. At least, according to my guide; I've never actually seen this one.

Murderdolls are still here. There's only one new entry on the encounter table in Karachi, but I didn't screenshot it until a bit later and placing images out of chronological order actually makes it a fair bit more tedious to assemble these updates.

thanks guy who let me into his house on a street in Karachi, i'll keep that in mind
_{(i feel like "haha people let you into their house in jrpgs it's so weirdddd" jokes are fruit hanging so low they have already fallen and fermented on the ground and been eaten by monkeys who think they know how to "fix" jrpgs but as noted it is 95 degrees outside and also jojo nominally takes place in the real world so i mean cut me some slack okay...)}

We may have to investigate this.

I GET IT WE'LL INVESTIGATE

Cascada: How's this place look for lunch, Mr. Joestar?
Joseph: Hrm...

Joseph: Oourgh... maybe I'm still too queasy...
Cascada: Normally I'd say something but you get a pass this ONCE.

Joseph: Hol Horse...
Cascada: Oh right, should we get some takeout or something?
Joseph: Shhh!

The game screws me over here. I said ages ago that Joseph's food commentary is only in Hong Kong and Singapore because I genuinely thought that was the case. Turns out, no! It's just a fucking random chance it happens while he's in your party!! Why!!! (We will accordingly give Karachi the proper Food Tour treatment later, I promise.)

A slightly weird thing for another Part 6 cameo (Foo Fighters, aka F.F.) to say but whatever. These days it's more about getting hit by a bus and then getting some kind of cheat skill or whatever (isekai sucks do not @ me).

Joseph: ......
Cascada: ...? What's up?
Joseph: Hm? Oh, nothing... Just got me thinking about an old friend.
Cascada: What did? ...The bubbles?
Joseph: Yeah... They remind me of a buddy of mine who trained in the Ripple with me and fought by my side a long, long time ago.
Cascada: Is this the guy who actively worked with the Nazis?
Joseph: There was a lot going on back then! The entire world was at stake!!

Cascada: The Ripple, huh? I learned a bit from a manual back in Calcutta.
Joseph: You did!? Normally it takes decades of training or a genetic predisposition...
Cascada: If it's just special breathing, how did you train it?
Joseph: Well, there was a giant spire covered in oil...
Cascada: never mind let's move on

That kid mentioned a game at the bookstore...

Cascada: Sorry kid, maybe you should have killed more assassins and taken their money.

We didn't even have to wait in line and get robbed by a yakuza punk, leading Kiryu Kazuma on a wacky chain of events, to get it! Or wait for Square Enix's overpriced remake!

A bit north and we're back where we started.

Joseph: Sorry, Cascada. I think I'll just go rest in the hotel. I'll buy you dinner later, okay?
Cascada: Oh, fine. Take care, old timer.

There's another restaurant in the upper right corner of the map.

WE GET IT

Cascada: How's the food here, Polnareff?
Polnareff: It's exactly the same as at the hotel.
Cascada: Okay, come on...
Polnareff: Non, non, I'm serious. EXACTLY the same.
Cascada: Huh. Bizarre...

I obviously haven't been posting screenshots of it, but we've been fighting a ton of encounters around here; I'm trying to get everybody up to at least level 24. Naturally, Cascada's higher than all the rest.

Cascada learns her penultimate (natural) technique!

It's not very strong at all, but it's Quicksilver's only Short-range attack and gives Cascada some much needed sustainability especially when supported by another party member. We'll see it in action soon, but first we need to detour into the "I Load My Save After This Because I'm Still Trying To Keep Polnareff's FP Down" Zone.

Cascada: What's wrong, Polnareff? You don't look so good...
Polnareff: M-my stomach just started hurting really badly...

Cascada: When was the last time you took a dump? Be honest.
Polnareff: ..........
Cascada: WHEN!?
Polnareff: ...the charter ship...
Cascada: ARE YOU SHITTING ME
Polnareff: I'm about to!

Polnareff enters and exits in a moment.

Cascada: .........Polnareff?
Polnareff: Cascada, my friend! Life is wonderful! I've never felt so refreshed! You're not gonna believe this! This house's toilets... are western style! Da-dadada-daaaaaaa!!
Cascada: ......T-that's nice...
Polnareff: C'mon! Let's move it!

This event boosts Polnareff's FP by a full 3 points, equivalent to covering his back as he confronts his sister's killer. Alas, I load a save immediately afterwards, so Polnareff is denied his sweet relief and drops back down to 7.

Also, I know what I said a while ago about trying to keep Jotaro, Joseph, and Abdul even, but it looks like that ship has mostly sailed due to my own negligence. Jotaro was in the lead for the back half of the poll anyway, that's the story I'm going with. Speaking of...

Polnareff: I really need to find a bathroom that doesn't use a squat toilet...
Jotaro: What about the hotel room?
Polnareff: ........I'll see you later.

Jotaro: More dolls... is that Joey guy here?
Cascada: i shall tear out his tongue burn his skin freeze his eyes but i shall permit him his ears so he may hear his own screams his nose to smell his own filth every instant of his worthless existence will be a living torment
Jotaro: ...forget it.

He's pretty far ahead of the rest EXP wise, so we roll with Jotaro pretty much only to get his event in the map.

Cascada: You were too soft on him.
Jotaro: He's just a civilian... Didn't even need my Stand.
Cascada: You should have AT MINIMUM thrown him in the sea.

Jotaro: Gramps told me there were zombies around... but Enya's dead...
Cascada: (Vins was here...)

Here are the new enemies, which have about 200% and 130% of the HP of a bog-standard zombie respectively. They are accordingly no threat whatsoever.

There's a bit of extra dialogue if we speak to the Jolyne cameo with Jotaro in tow.

Cascada: Damn, you struck out harder than Kakyoin.
Jotaro: -frown-

Cascada: Yeah, they got everything here. I snagged a copy of Dragon Quest III.
Jotaro: Kakyoin said something about that earlier. Don't remember what.

Cascada: Hey Kakyoin, you know about this Dragon Quest thing?
Kakyoin: Is there anyone from Japan who doesn't? It's sold out nationwide. Anybody with a Famicom is desperate to get their hands on it.

Cascada would absolutely brag about it, but we need to get Kakyoin over a certain FP threshold for an upcoming battle. Alas.

Kakyoin: !!
Cascada: Check it out, Kakyoin! Dragon Quest III!

Cascada: I-I've been suckered!!

If you're with Kakyoin when you go into the bookstore, he'll stop you from buying the game, even if you go back later with someone else. We do not want this to happen, because Dragon Question III is a special tool that will help us later (in NG+).

Cascada: I'm gonna kick that shopkeeper's ass. Who's with me?
Jotaro: Sounds boring.
Cascada: Killjoy.

Cascada: Huh. Gotta be honest, didn't expect that.
Kakyoin: How dare this filthy foreigner trample upon the sanctity of the greatest of Japan's creations, the humble and venerable Dragon Quest! No punishment is too great!
Cascada: ...I'm starting to rethink this...

Cascada: Hey, so, I just bought a game from you guys...
Shopkeep: No refunds.
Cascada: Take a look at the box, chief. We both know there's some bullshit here.
Shopkeep: No refunds, my learned Nipponese friend.
Cascada: You're starting to ask for it...
Kakyoin: Cascada, please! Let us handle this without resorting to physical violence, in an elegant manner befitting of a gamer.

Kakyoin: FROM WHOM DID YOU ACQUIRE THIS FOULSOME COUNTERFEIT!? WHOOOOM!?
Cascada: OKAY we're going back outside now
Shopkeep: What's your damn problem? I get all my merchandise from legitimate sources, like the secret shop in the alleyway.
Cascada: Woah oh? Secret shop??
Kakyoin: This wrong must be righted, Cascada!
Cascada: How about you take a deep breath first, then we find this so-called secret shop?

10 is all we need for the story event, and 10 is where I'll try to keep it. It's really hard to lower FP in 7SU.

At any rate, forgive me; I'm cutting the update here because A) it is too damn hot to keep going right now and B) Justice and Lovers cumulatively took about 4-5 updates worth of work. Yall can deal with more Karachi next week when we finally investigate this mansion and wrap up the last couple of events. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

21 - It Also Means 'Zero' In Tennis

2025-01-10T19:49:49.900Z

(Originally Posted July 26, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, the crew beat an old woman unconscious and decided to drag her limp body across Pakistan. Let's see how that's working out for them.

Since the Foggy Village had no real opportunities to grind or restock, we get to hang out at this rest stop for a bit.

Cascada: Are we about to get jumped again?
Steel: What a catastrophe... We're without a car. But more catastrophic... Is the 6 Stand users I can sense within this rest stop!!
Cascada: WAIT WHAT
Steel: ...Just messing with you. Sorry, I couldn't help it. I can only sense you 5 and Enya right now.
Cascada: one of these days i am going to feed you to my stand you asshole

Everyone is here and free to tag along. The restaurant has the same offerings as Kolkata and Varanasi.

I burned a bunch of these status drinks during the Justice fight. I stock back up and start rolling with Joseph.

Remember, the R patch removes random encounters, but this zone still has to let you grind somehow. Now this tile in the corner spawns in an enemy.

A trash mob that's more annoying than anything else at this point, with shit EXP yield, but pretty much any battle would have pushed the old timer over the threshold. Everybody else can wait until the actual hub map.

Calling doner kebab "the hamburger of the Middle East" is such a bizarre statement to me. First off, we're in Pakistan, which I don't think of as the Middle East. It strikes me as more South or West Asia. If we were actually in the Middle East this would probably be shawarma instead.

Secondly, hamburgers as your point of comparison? Really? I guess if you're using "hamburger" here to spiritually mean "fast food"? Anyway, the sandwich-y version of doner kebab imagined here wasn't really popularized until the 1960s, introduced to our lily-white friends in Europe mostly via Turkish immigrants in Germany.

Joseph: Ten bucks?
Joseph: ...I thought it would be ten each...
Cascada: You really ARE British...

Remember when I said JoJo presents everyone in countries that aren't Japan as crooks and swindlers?

The text boxes in this game usually don't include the manga's narration. It's making my job harder (I have to upload more images) and I don't like it.

Joseph: Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere.

Polnareff: If Abdul were here, he'd know how to handle this...
Cascada: You got six plane tickets from Japan to Egypt overnight, chartered a ship in Hong Kong, AND bought a brand new Land Cruiser without batting an eye, but you're haggling over LUNCH?
Kakyoin: It's the principle of the matter, Cascada. An automobile corporation is an inherently trustworthy entity, but we can't let these foreigners swindle us.
Jotaro: ...Give me a @#S% break...

30 American Cents in 1988 money would have been about 5 Pakistani rupees and 40 paise (aside: Pakistani rupees haven't used paise subunits for a decade), but I have no idea how much a kebab would have actually cost in Pakistan in 1988. I looked up current prices from a random kebab shop in Karachi and a lamb doner goes for 1779 rupees, which as of this writing is about $6.40.

Cascada: Not even fo-
Enya: Not even for a delicious doner kebab!
Cascada: Damn.

That was no mere kebab stand owner! It's an enemy Stand-user!

Polnareff: W-what!? These tentacles...
Enya: Why did you come to kill me...! Steely Dan!!
Steely Dan: Lord Dio trusts no-one. I came here to shut you up for good... And to take care of these five.
Enya: Gggghhhhhh... Blaauuugghhh!!
Polnareff: Enya!

Polnareff: What the hell was that for!? She's on your side!
Enya: You're... you're lying... Lord Dio would... never... do this to me...
Kakyoin: The thing coming out of her face isn't a Stand! It's tangible!
Cascada: I-is that... Could it be!?

Kakyoin: It's a flesh bud!
Polnareff: Enya!

Joseph: It... it disintegrated in the sunlight! It's made from Dio's cells! That's a flesh bud!
Steely Dan: Indeed! Good observation! Dio planted the bud in her body. I just made it grow. Enya... I heard that you were the one who taught Lord Dio about Stands. But did you really think he'd trust a lowly old woman like you with his secrets? Did you think you were special?
Enya: -huff, huff, huff-

"The secret of Dio's Stand" is practically a McGuffin unto itself for the rest of Part 3. I pointed this out during the Emperor & Hanged Man update: Araki's realized by this stage that for the story to be narratively satisfying, the heroes can't win until they figure out what their enemy's Stand can do and subvert it somehow. Dio is the looming final boss, and his Stand looms equally.

Alas, pretty much everybody knows by now what it does via memetic spread.

Steely Dan: !!
Joseph: Tell us! Enya, he's betrayed you! You put all your hopes in Dio, but he just proved that he doesn't care about you at all! He's not the man you thought he was! We have to defeat Dio! Please! We're counting on you! Tell us!! What is Dio's Stand!?
Enya: Lord... Dio...

Steely Dan: Pft... heh heh... heh heh heh heh heh... Ha ha ha! How sad... heh heh heh! What a sad old granny! I can't believe she actually thought that Lord Dio cared for her! I guess that's just how powerful his influence is... Heh heh heh heh heh!
Polnareff: My feelings towards Enya are complicated... She was the mother of my sister's killer... But I'm going to kill you.
Steely Dan: Awww, sad you lost your sugar momma, Polnareff? Boo hoo!
Kakyoin: Polnareff... there were cougars in our area and you were holding out on me...?
Joseph: ......
Kakyoin: Even though this is a 5 on 1, we won't hold back. Prepare yourself.
Cascada: ......I can't say that that woman was a good person... But you're too low to even be called a person at all. You're disgusting!
Steely Dan: At least I bathe regularly! Your body odor is so strong it's overpowering the delicious doner kebab.

Jotaro: Don't put on airs, idiot. We're coming for you whether you're ready or not.
Steely Dan: By all means, go ahead! But you'll never be able to lay a finger on me, Steely Dan! Becaus-

Cascada: M-Mr. Joestar!?
Polnareff: Mr. Joestar went flying the same way Steely Dan did!
Steely Dan: Nggh... Idiot... You should let me finish! You almost killed your own grandfather... As I was saying... Did you think I came here just to get rid of Enya?
Joseph: B-bastard...! You said your Stand was the Lovers... J-just what does it do!?
Steely Dan: It's already started working, Mr. Joestar. Fools... You can search all your want, but I guarantee you won't find my Stand.

Joseph's sprite does a little hop here.

Oops! This is probably meant to be Polnareff's line.

Steely Dan: You still haven't noticed, Joseph Joestar!? My Stand can go inside people's bodies! The instant Enya died, it flew into your brain through your ear!
Kakyoin: My Stand can go inside people too. That's nothing special.
Steely Dan: Only through the mouth! If your Stand is a common hamburger, then mine is a delicious doner kebab!
Joseph: What!?
Steely Dan: To be specific... It's in the brain stem, the part of your brain where all the nerve endings are. Now, can you guess why?

Steely Dan: Plus, my Lovers brought one of Dio's spores along with it! It's making it grow inside your brain! In about 10 minutes, your brain will be devoured and you'll die just like Enya!

If you remember Update 5, I complained that Joseph didn't just use the Ripple to immediately fry the flesh bud in Kakyoin, and I'm going to complain about it again right now. At least here you could argue that even without the flesh bud, Lovers is going to cause enough damage on its own.

Typical child. Torturing senior citizens for fun and profit.

Steely Dan: In truth, my Stand, Lovers, is extremely weak. It doesn't even have the strength to move a strand of hair. It may be the weakest Stand in history... But you don't need power to kill. Understand? If I were in a traffic accident... Hit by a baseball... Even if I were to trip and fall... Your body would sustain that damage several times over, Mr. Joestar.
Joseph: Nngh... Even my prosthetic hand can feel it!
Steely Dan: And in 10 minutes, you'll end up just like Enya...

Okay, I know this is JoJo, shit often doesn't make logical sense and we like it that way, but! The idea here is that Lovers is doing this not via some special Stand ability, but by directly attacking the nerves in Joseph's brain. That could certainly be painful, and if Lovers decides to sever the brain stem or something then it could obviously be fatal, but it's not like the injuries are actually happening to Joseph. If Steely Dan's arm broke then it would hurt like hell but Joseph's arm wouldn't break, would it?

Kakyoin: Jotaro, calm down! Don't do anything stupid!
Jotaro: I'll kill him in the blink of an eye... I won't give him a chance to feel any pain.
Steely Dan: In the blink of an eye? Wow, great idea! Why don't you try it, Jotaro? Interesting... Where are you going to hit me? My face? My throat?
Jotaro: I was thinking I'd rip your balls off...
Joseph: NO!!!
Steely Dan: What's wrong? Try it! What've you got to lose? Open up a hole in my lungs! Maybe you don't want to use your Stand... How about a rock? Here, this one looks plenty big enough.
Kakyoin: Please. Primal theory has been disproven for decades.
Both: GET HIM WITH THE ROCK JOTARO

Steely Dan: Urk...
Joseph: Ngh! -koff, koff-
Kakyoin: Don't be hasty, Jotaro! You've already seen what he can do! Are you really going to kill your grandfather!?
Polnareff: I wouldn't put it past him...
Steely Dan: Y-you really had me going there... YOU have no right to be talking down to ME.

Joseph: Jotaro!!
Kakyoin: W-what should we do...?
Steely Dan: Let me be clear here, Jotaro. After that geezer kicks the bucket...
Cascada: Watch out!

Jotaro: Ngh!
Steely Dan: I'll implant my Lovers in your brain and kill you, too!
Polnareff: T-this is terrible...
Steely Dan: Wahahahahahahahahaaaa!!

This is a slightly mundane way of putting it. Joseph (Young) got his ass kicked some ancient Aztec super-vampires but managed to get a couple licks in. In respect for his gumption, instead of killing him outright they used their flesh manipulating powers to stick a ring filled with poison around Joseph's heart, set to trigger on a time limit.

Kakyoin: -whisper, whisper-
Joseph: ! Good idea!
Kakyoin: Let's try to get a safe distance away. I hate to say it, but we'll have to leave the enemy to Jotaro... Polnareff! Come with us!
Polnareff: Uh, sure!
Cascada: In that case, I'll...

Now, ordinarily, we'd be all for the option where The Machine ends up in the boss fight so she can blast it down with her cool arm cannon. Unfortunately, we can't do that this time, for reasons that will be apparent shortly.

Cascada: He might even pull it out, and that'd just be a disaster.
Joseph: I see your point!
Jotaro: -frown-
Kakyoin: Got it. We're counting on you!

The screen fades to white as the rest of the party bails. Because we elected to stay, it immediately cuts back to the same shot.

Steely Dan: Oh, I see how it is... They think that if they get far away enough, my Stand will disappear. Unfortunately, the weaker the Stand, the longer the range... And with my Lovers being as weak as it is, its range surpasses any other Stand's. It must be about... 60 miles?

Steely Dan: Hmph. Are you going to follow me until Joseph dies?
Jotaro: Your name is Dan, right?
Steely Dan: STEELY Dan! You have to say the whole thing!
Jotaro: I'm going to make you pay.
Steely Dan: Heh heh heh... In that case, I'd better rack up my debt while I can! Let's take a look inside your wallet... Tch! Is this all you've got!?

TAG Heuer is a luxury Swiss watch brand, the kind where the low end of the price scale is still like $4000. The TAG stands for "Techniques d'Avant Garde", which I find inexplicably funny.

Meanwhile...

Joseph: Did you think we were just running away, Polnareff? We're gonna fight the Stand from inside the brain!
Kakyoin: You're helping too, Polnareff.
Polnareff: Huh?

Polnareff: S-so there's a tiny Stand inside Mr. Joestar's brain... That much I get, but... How are we gonna fight this thing?
Kakyoin: We're going to send our Stands into Mr. Joestar's body and exterminate it! Since Stands are just projections of our energy, we can just shrink them!
Polnareff: A-are you for real, Kakyoin!?
Kakyoin: I'll show him! My Stand can go in through the ear, too!
Joseph: Hey, be gentle!
Polnareff: We're really gonna do it!?
Kakyoin: Time is of the essence! Let's go, Polnareff!

Let's take a brief detour into another timeline here where Cascada went with the boys.

A handful of player Stands - the ones that are closer to being objects than creatures - can't shrink down. Since Cascada can't fight the boss anyway, might as well send her with Jotaro to get those tiny scraps of unique dialogue.

Okay, back to reality.

Did you think "laparoscopy" would be on the list of Hermit Purple's powers?

The timer begins ticking, which I understand will stress out some of you so much that you might never play this video game. I'm here to tell you that it's not really a problem as long as you aren't getting up and making a sandwich (even then, honestly).

All throughout the ear canal map are flesh bud encounters meant to slow you down more than anything else. They're chumps and have a 5% chance to drop the best healing item in the game, but that's no reason to waste time fighting them.

This is also a similar situation to the Ghost Ship. The normal version of the game has these as random encounters while the R patch has them as obstacles in your path moving back and forth.

The timer ticks down in battle and while dialogue boxes are up, but it stops if you're in the menu.

I get turned around and spend a solid minute going down this dead-end spiral. ..."Dead-End Spiral" is also the name of my next band.

I went down pretty much every wrong path possible and blundered into a bunch of fights and still had almost 7 minutes to spare. No problem.

Joseph: H-hold on a minute! Those are Stands! Can't you just phase through it?
Kakyoin: No, not at this size... The wall's too thick. Don't worry, the hole will be microscopic. It's going to take a couple minutes to burrow through. If we don't, the enemy will do even worse damage... It may even be doing so as we speak.
Polnareff: Staying this small is pretty tiring... Let's make this quick.

Meanwhile...

Steely Dan: Hey, Jotaro. Be a bridge for me so I can cross.
Jotaro: .........
Steely Dan: What, are you not gonna do it?
Jotaro: Are you screwing with me?
Steely Dan: Yes, obviously.
Cascada: ! ...J-Jotaro!
Steely Dan: Are you deaf AND stupid!? I told you to become a bridge! If I kick this barrel here, Joseph will feel it multiplied several times over! Are you just gonna stand by and watch, you ungrateful brat!?
Jotaro: ............

Cascada: (Please... don't pull it out...)
Steely Dan: All right... Now, Jotaro... Just keep your mouth shut and listen to what I say.
Jotaro: .........
Steely Dan: Hm? Hey, Jotaro! My back itches. Scratch it.

A lot of misattributed text boxes lately.

Joseph: A-ahhh! Ohhh...
Polnareff: Hey, what's wrong!?
Joseph: I-I feel like my back is being tickled... I-I can't concentrate on my Stand! Ohhh... O-ohhhhhhh!!
Kakyoin: Ah!

Everyone else on the street has turned to look at the old white man groaning while pressing his hands up against the glass and watching the TV showing the fleshy insides of the human body.

Polnareff: Kakyoin! Just buy the TV so we can get out of here!
Kakyoin: I-I can't carry an entire CRT television by myself!

Steely Dan: .........! (Tch... So they've made their Stands go inside Joseph's body... Do they intend to fight me? I can see them... They're going through the blood vessels to the medulla oblongata, where my Lovers is hiding... Hmph!)

Polnareff: There it is!
Kakyoin: L-look! It's digging up brain cells with its claws and using them as fertilizer for the spore! We have to defeat him before he digs up the spore's roots!
Polnareff: No problem! Leave it to me... I'll chop him to bits! ...No, not into bits... Into chunks, like a turnip!
Kakyoin: That seems like a needless distinction at this stage.
Polnareff: It's easier when you're in a hurry.

Polnareff: Not bad... But that speed doesn't hold a candle to that of my Chariot! You're 10 years too early! Ora!!

Polnareff: N-no... It was too shallow! He's seriously fast... But I can read him like a book. He's no match for me.
Kakyoin: Polnareff... Who are you talking to!?

Kakyoin: Polnareff! That's not me! Neither is the Lovers you cut... Look! It's dissolving!
Polnareff: Wooaaagghhhhhh!! Whaaat!?

Steely Dan: I'm in a great mood today! I want my shoes so clean that I can see the sky in them!

Steely Dan: W-w-what the hell is this!?
Jotaro: It's all the things you owe me. Mark my words, I'll make you pay for them... I'm a bit forgetful, so I'm writing them down.
Steely Dan: ! .........A-are you screwing with me!? What gives you the right!? You little shit! Heh heh heh... I just got an idea... Hey, you over there. You're coming with me, too.
Cascada: (I shoulda gone with Mr. Joestar...)

Steely Dan: In Aesop's fable, the tortoise beats the hare because it knows the extent of its abilities! Same goes for me! I know that I don't have the power or speed to inflict mortal wounds... My plan was in motion from the moment I admitted my own weakness!
Kakyoin: Emerald Splash!!

Joseph: Polnareff! That's enough! Bring your Stand back! I can't watch you get hurt because of me!
Kakyoin: ...W-what about me?
Joseph: .........
Polnareff: Ugh... This is getting us nowhere!
Joseph: Pull back! You're going to die!
Kakyoin: No matter how hard I look, I just don't get it! Where's the real thing!? Where's the Stand!?

Like the Joey fight in Varanasi, this is a situation where only one of the various Lovers enemies is the "real" one that will end the battle when defeated. They'll all chip away at you every turn and try to hit you with status effects like Berserk that prevent you from selecting targets.

We know how to deal with this shit, though. If we don't know where to hit, then hit everything!

Each "clone" has a chance to drop Meat Spray, a reference to a Stand from Part 7 (Steel Ball Run). It restores 20%+55 HP and each one can be used 5 times, like Bottled Water. We get five out of this battle; a solid boon.

Whether you inflict enough damage to "defeat" Lovers or a certain number of turns pass (only the real one drops EXP and money, so there's the proof I managed it), things proceed the same way.

Steely Dan: Heh heh heh... As if! You really thought that was me!? Idiots! I don't even need to fight you... I'll just evade until you die from the torment!
Kakyoin: Ugh... I can't keep this up much longer...
Steely Dan: Heh heh... Heheheh... Hahaha!

Steely Dan: If I give it to a girl as a present, she'll be thrilled... See the slots in the glass, Jotaro? I want you to pull it out with your Stand. Don't make me repeat myself, dumbass! Hurry up and steal it!
Jotaro: I promised Gramps I wouldn't pull it out...
Steely Dan: Fine then... I'll just shatter the glass and steal it myself! But if I get caught and they kick my ass, Joseph will probably die from the pain... C'mon, do it! The clerk's back is turned!
Jotaro: Ugh...

Steely Dan: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!! This guy just stole somethiiiing!!
Jotaro: ! ...You piece of...
Steely Dan: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

I'd say Pakistan is still in Asia...

We get some generic "beating up" sounds here as the screen fades to black.

Yeah yeah, random customer. We've all heard that one before.

Steely Dan: Hee hee hee! Haw haw haw haw!! Nice job! Thanks to your distraction, I made off with something even better!
Jotaro: Hm... hm hm hm... Heh heh... Heh heh heh...
Steely Dan: Mmgh... Hey! What's so funny!?
Jotaro: Heh heh heh... Nothing. I'm just so excited for when I finally get to kick your ass that I can't keep it in...
Steely Dan: You little...!! I don't think you understand the situation you're in... Your grandpa is going to die within seconds!
Jotaro: Heh heh heh... You really don't get it.

Cascada: -whispering- ...Do WE? We've known him for two weeks.
Jotaro: He's a cougar-hunting dandy who sucks on cherries and thinks he's the smartest person in the room at all times.
Cascada: ...okay, I mean, yeah...

Jotaro: Heh heh... Ha ha ha...
Steely Dan: Yeah, laugh it up... If that's how you feel...

Cascada: Oh, NOW I'm here?
Steely Dan: It's a little hard to miss you! Har har!
Cascada: Get better material, asshole.

I knew the dialogue changed if you were playing as a female player character, but I didn't know until now that it also changed depending on which body type you picked. If you aren't playing as the Short or Chubby types, he'll outright threaten assault rather than public humiliation.

Cascada: You probably couldn't handle this anyway.
Steely Dan: All right... in that case, let's start the show! Heh heh heh heh!
Cascada: ..."When the enemy is sure they've won..."
Jotaro: ..."They've already lost."
Steely Dan: Whaaaaaaaaat!?

Steely Dan: Geh!! When did it touch me!?
Kakyoin: It's you!! You were hiding behind the flesh bud!
Steely Dan: Gnyaaaaaaggghhhhh!!!
Polnareff: We got 'im!!
Kakyoin: It knows it can't win this fight, so it's fleeing! It's trying to leave Mr. Joestar's brain!
Joseph: What? It's leaving?
Polnareff: That's great!

Polnareff: There it goes! It's heading back!
Kakyoin: This isn't good... Jotaro doesn't know about it yet!
Joseph: I'd better get rid of this flesh bud... Overdrive!

The TV anime includes a bit here where Joseph zaps the flesh bud with his Ripple powers. The manga doesn't.

Steely Dan: -huff, huff, huff, huff-
Jotaro: Hey now, where do you think you're going? Did something happen to my grandpa over there? Mind sharing?

Jotaro: You, who are without mercy, now plead for it? I thought you were made of sterner stuff.
Steely Dan: (Just a little longer... My Stand will return soon! That idiot Jotaro has no idea what he's in for!)

Steely Dan: Gnyaaaaagghhhhh!! M-my arm! My leg!
Jotaro: You must've thought you were pretty clever. But you must've known about Star Platinum's incredible precision... Did you research us at all before coming here?
Steely Dan: I-I-I didn't mean to do anything! That Stand of yours...
Jotaro: "That Stand of yours"? Excuse me?
Steely Dan: N-no! Y-your Stand's strength and sense of justice is unparalleled, honorable one!
Cascada: And mine?
Steely Dan: I... have no idea what your Stand is but I'm sure it's cool and strong!
Cascada: Weak answer. Kick his ass, Jotaro.
Steely Dan: I-I wasn't really trying to go in through your ear... I was just retrieving it! Honest!

Jotaro: ...Never show your face in front of us again. You hear?
Steely Dan: I promise!! I promise!! I'll go all the way to the gates of Hell if it means never meeting you again!
Jotaro: You're not lying? If I ever see you again, I'll beat you to death.
Steely Dan: I would never! I wouldn't dare lie!
Jotaro: Hmm... Then I'll leave you to it. Get the fuck out of here.
Steely Dan: ...Jotarooooo... Gwahahahahahahaha!! You fooooool!!

I believe this was a child passersby in the manga. Kinda sucks that Cascada has to take the role of damsel in such a situation, but it is what it is.

Cascada: ! ...When did he...!?
Steely Dan: Good thing your stupid friend was here... Ha ha ha! Heh heh... Hm hm hm... Hahahahaha! I'll stab you in the back with this knife! That way, we'll both be crippled! Attack me with Star Platinum, and your friend is history! Or are you going to stand idly by as they die in pain!? Nhahahaha!

Jotaro: Go ahead. Stab me.
Steely Dan: Agh! Hey! Didn't I tell you not to move!? I'm pretty sure I... told... you... Huh!? What!?
Jotaro: What's wrong? Weren't you gonna stab me? Like this...?
Steely Dan: Nnngyaaaahh!! M-my body won't move... W-why!?
Jotaro: It's like you said... The Stand and the user are connected.
Steely Dan: What!? Urgh! D-did you tie up my Stand!? How!?
Jotaro: You didn't notice? Kakyoin used his Hierophant to tie your Stand up, then he let you escape...

Steely Dan: Ah... Eeeeeeeeek! Please forgive meeeeeee!!
Jotaro: If it's forgiveness you want, ask Enya for it. We never intended to let you go free.
Cascada: It's just as he says. Looks like you'll be repenting in the next world soon...
Jotaro: You won't even make it to Snake Way...
Cascada: Where the hell did you find Jump here in Pakistan? You're holding out on me!
Steely Dan: ...D-Dio gave me a lot of money to kill you! Y-you can have it all!

In the manga, this beatdown lasts for three whole pages. I had to cut this .gif down by over half to fit it within the upload limit. It rules.

Next time, we can finally escape the Manga Mandated Plot Zone and do some faffing about in a hub map. Thank fucking god. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

20 - Justice is Over

2025-01-09T21:25:40.104Z

(Originally Posted July 19, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we traded our brand new Toyota Land Cruiser for a shitty jalopy after smashing an innocent bystander's car. This time, we're continuing the drive from India through Pakistan.

Jotaro: It's 100% wool.
Kakyoin: How are you not drenched in sweat?
Cascada: He definitely is.
Polnareff: How can you tell?
Cascada: I've been with you guys for almost two weeks and none of you have taken a bath. It REEKS in here.
Joseph: Hey! That doctor at least rubbed my arm down with disinfectant!
Cascada: TWO DAYS AGO!

Polnareff: Yeah, this might be dangerous... We're right by the edge of a cliff, and there are no guard rails out here.
Cascada: Hey, I think I see a town over there!
Kakyoin: A town? That's odd. There's nothing of the sort on my map... All that's marked here is a cemetery.
Polnareff: Yeah, but it didn't show any tunnels either. It's probably out of date! Besides, I'm parched! Let's look around for a hotel. We can't keep going in this fog.

Kakyoin: Yeah, we should wait until it clears up.
Cascada: Sounds like a plan!
Polnareff: Wonder what the hotels are like out here? I hope they have normal toilets! I'm still not used to the Indian squat toilets where you have to clean your ass with the faucet! I'm crossing my fingers for a decent bathroom.

TMI incoming: I got a bidet recently and I can never go back. My ass is so much cleaner and I'm using a third of the toilet paper I used to.

Kakyoin: Let's go to that restaurant and ask where the inn is.
Joseph: Yeah.
Jotaro: .........
Polnareff: ...Isn't it a little too... quiet? I'm so used to the constant assault of "Baksheesh" from the beggars and the onslaught of "very cheap, friend!" from the merchants.
Joseph: I'm sure it's just because of this fog. They probably can't even tell we're foreigners.
Jotaro: The hell they can't, Gramps. We're speaking Japanese.
Joseph: What? We've been talking in English this whole time.
Polnareff: I thought we were speaking French...
Kakyoin: Just a moment, wha-
Cascada: Don't think about it.

The exact right response to dealing with shitty tourists. Genuinely great gag.

Kakyoin: .........
Cascada: ......???
Polnareff: .........Huh? I-is it something we said?
Joseph: O-oh, you don't have to close... Hahaha... We just needed to ask something! Do you know if there's a hotel here? That's all! A-ahahahahaha...

Joseph: Huh? H-hey, wait! What do you mean, you don't know? You live here, right? I just need to know if there's a hotel! That's all, I swear! ...Ah!

Still cleaner than your average American anime con.

Kakyoin: -whispering- ...Cascada, I'm only saying that IF that's the case, then that restaurateur would have heard us in Urdu or Punjabi...
Cascada: Trust me, don't think about it.
Joseph: (Was I the only one who saw it? I guess it really was my imagination...)
Polnareff: 'Scuse me, sir! We're looking for a hotel... Preferably one with nice toilets... Can you help us? ...!?

Again, still better than your average American anime con...

okay maybe not that part

Joseph: W-what happened to him!? How'd he die in the middle of the road like this!?
Cascada: Shouldn't someone have noticed him die in such a busy place...!?
Kakyoin: What's the cause of death!? Heart failure!? A stroke!?

Polnareff: How would YOU be able to tell?
Jotaro: I watch a lot of Columbo...
Polnareff: ? What do you mean?
Jotaro: Look at his hand.
Polnareff: .........!! A-a revolver! And it's still smoking!

Cascada: The barrel's still hot...
Cascada: And I know one or two things about guns, seeing as my arm's one...
Jotaro: It must've been fired recently... Maybe 2 minutes ago? 5 minutes? Shortly before we got here...
Kakyoin: I-is it a suicide!? But I don't see any blood or entry wounds on his body...
Polnareff: Then how did he die...? Look at his face! It's twisted in terror!
Cascada: The only thing that's clear is that it wasn't from natural causes of any sort...
Joseph: I just don't get it... What did he fire that gun at!? What happened here!?

Both: Fuck the police.
Joseph: I'm starting to come around on this one considering what happened in Varanasi...

Kakyoin: (Eugh...) We need you to contact the police.
All: -inhale- F-
Kakyoin: Not now!

Kakyoin: ...W-what an odd woman... No, it's not just that woman... A man is dead, but no one's crowding around, or even so much as glancing in this direction! If he fired a gun, someone must've heard... They're even more jaded than the people in New York or Tokyo...
Polnareff: I thought Tokyo has some of the least gun crime in the world.
Cascada: Nah, there's tons of it. Trust me, my arm is a gun.
Jotaro: What should we do, Gramps? I'd really like to know how this man was killed... Could it be the work of a new Stand user?
Joseph: It's possible... But I don't think so. What motive would they have to kill him? Why would they arrive in this town before us only to kill an innocent man?
Polnareff: J. Geil was a serial killer and Devo murdered that bellhop.
Kakyoin: Tower of Gray caused several airline accidents before Dio hired him.
Cascada: ......Vins turned Utah into a zombie.

Joseph: Yes, let's...
Polnareff: Looks like the fog's getting even worse.
Kakyoin: Seems like the whole town's covered in it.

Keep an eye out for corpses on the telephone lines.

When British India split into India and Pakistan in the late 1940s, the government of India printed currency for Pakistan until they could get their own setup going. This meant that for a couple years Pakistani rupees were literally Indian rupees with "GOVERNMENT OF PAKISTAN" stamped on them in English and Urdu.

Cascada: It's huge... And yet no blood is coming out. An open wound that big and that deep would be gushing the stuff... under most circumstances.
Kakyoin: ...what circumstances would it NOT?
Cascada: Heat Ray; cauterizes instantly.
Kakyoin: ...I-I see...
Cascada: The delinquents back home know to give me a wide berth now.
Jotaro: This is definitely not a typical murder.

hey polnareff what the fuck

Cascada: Can we air it out first?

Joseph: Yipes! That was too close...
Jotaro: ? Hey... What are you doing over there by yourself, Gramps? Are you going senile?
Joseph: I didn't shoot spaghetti noodles at my best friend with to take lip from you, kid. I'm sure this is where we parked.
Cascada: We clearly walked in from the left side of the screen...
Joseph: ......

Cascada: Do you really still feel like driving after that?
Polnareff: I've had enough for today. That Stand user's Jeep drives terribly.
Jotaro: I don't trust Gramps behind the wheel.
Cascada: Now that you mention it, we've crashed ships, planes, and automobiles with him aboard... only the train was safe.
Kakyoin: When was the last time you renewed your license, Mr. Joestar?

A little old lady comes in from offscreen.

Enya: There are a lot of steep cliffs on these roads... A lot of people get into accidents this time of year. I run a small inn around here... If you'd like, you can spend the night... I'll even give you a group discount.
Polnareff: Whew... Finally, someone normal!
Kakyoin: Let's keep on our toes. There's a strong possibility that a Stand user is in this town. It'll be easy for them to ambush us in this fog...

All: Fu-
Kakyoin: -n looking place you have here, Madam!
Cascada: Killjoy.
Enya: Here we are, Mr. Joestar... This is my hotel! Come in and I'll give you a little tour. It's a very small hotel... But 20 years ago, they shot a 007 movie in it.
Polnareff: Wow, no kidding!

Enya: Ho ho ho...
Kakyoin: How is it when it comes to exuding colonial charms?
Enya: Well, we're speaking English, aren't we? Colonial enough, sonny?
Kakyoin: Wait, wha-

Enya: Don't be silly, sir! That man with the silver hair called him Mr. Joestar earlier, didn't he?
Polnareff: Huh? Did I!? ...I don't really remember, but you're probably right...

I'm always saying this. I can't remember shit.

Enya: Oh... This? I... I-I burned it... I accidentally spilled boiling water on it... I'm getting old. Hyahyahya!
Polnareff: What are you saying? You don't look a day over 40! I was thing of asking you on a date! Heh heh!
Enya: Hyahya! Don't be such a tease, sir! <3

It obviously depends on the individual, but I wonder if senior citizens actually appreciate the "oh, you look sooo young!" act. There comes a point where flattery is just patronizing, right?

Sure, she's only thinking it, but this is the second time someone has specifically threatened to cut off Polnareff's balls. If I had a nickel, et cetera.

Polnareff: How much was it?
Joseph: 20,000 rupees a head. The American dollar's pretty good right now.
Kakyoin: I... how much do you think a hotel room is supposed to cost?
Joseph: I usually let my people handle that.

Cascada: .........
Kakyoin: That wasn't the issue, Polnareff.
Cascada: You all STILL haven't bathed. I am going to suffocate.

Kakyoin: Then what's the point of the extra room?
Polnareff: Well, this is a pretty creepy town... It's probably best not to sleep alone. What if an enemy were to attack?
Joseph: You have a point. In that case, I'll stay in the room with her.
Polnareff: Isn't that convenient for you!? You're the one I'd be most careful of, you old codger!
Cascada: On three, everyone say who you'd LEAST want to sleep overnight in a room with. One, two... Three!

Kakyoin: Cascada.
Polnareff: Cascada.
Jotaro: The Machine.
Cascada: P- ...wow, that backfired. Really?
Kakyoin: Brass knuckles. You've been quite clear.
Jotaro: I saw what you did to that Joey guy.
Polnareff: I wouldn't want to be there when the old timer sneaks in! Hehehe.
Cascada: Okay, tone it down, dude.
Joseph: ......

The wink-and-nod here is that Josuke Higashikata, the protagonist of Part 4, isn't Jotaro's grandson as per tradition (the setting was caught up to the present, so jumping forward would bring its own problems). Instead, he's Joseph's secret love child, making him Jotaro's uncle despite being half his age.

Timeline wise, Josuke's currently a little kid down with a mysterious fever just like Holly. Saving him is way more important, IMO.

Joseph: It's nothing! Well, guess we've just gotta kill time until dinner.
Jotaro: .........Everyone. I've got a favor to ask.
Polnareff: Hm? What is it, Jo-
Jotaro: Hold on. Let me finish. I need you not to call me by my name.
Joseph: What? Why?
Jotaro: There's just something that's been bugging me. Anyway, can you do that?

And with that, we finally get to roam around. The Foggy Village is one of the smallest zones in the game, but I've got to do my due diligence here.

Cascada: Steel, do you even get reception out here?
Steel: A town? There shouldn't be a town here... On this point on the map, there's just an untended graveyard for travelers. ...I think you should stay inside as much as possible. The Stand users all seem to be in the hotel... I can sense two enemy presences. Just take a walk around the halls... The enemy should show themselves eventually.

Steel is right. There are two ways to progress at this stage of the game: enter or exit the hotel room three times, or knock on Enya's door three times. The fourth in either case will move on to the next event, and that means you can only move around with (and grind up) at most two other party members here.

You are hiding a child, let that boy come home

The treasure chests include 5x each of Ripple-Infused Wine (5%+100 HP, 5%+5 SP for whole party) and Overdrive SY (3% HP, 20%+60 SP). As Joseph says, there're no vending machines or stores here, so that's all you get.

Despite earlier escapades, Polnareff and Joseph are now the ones lagging behind in levels, so we bring the Frenchman along first.

The hotel is a symmetrical three floors of locked doors and nothing else.

There's one other door that's unlocked, and that's where Enya is. As noted above, if you want to rush through you can knock a few times to progress things.

Let's take a quick jaunt outside.

Using the "cloud" tiles to represent fog is a neat effect here, I think. They're constantly undulating in a way that's hard to communicate in screenshots and makes .gifs way too large to upload here.

Zombies and Fireflies are the main encounters here, good for squeezing out the last few hundred XP to the next level and basically nothing else.

If you keep going in any one direction, the map loops back around like an old RPG world map. This village is toroidal.

There is one new encounter: the She-Zombie. They're different from regular zombies in that they can walk around outside of shadowed areas and aren't weak to Sunlight-elemental damage due to their full-body garments. I admit I'm not brushed up enough on such things to be able to tell if this is meant to be a chador, a niqaab, a burqa, or something else, but I imagine the sprite art is imperfect regardless.

At any rate, I get Polnareff and Joseph up to speed, and then I realize that you need to be with Jotaro to get the next event to proc and lose 20 minutes of progress. Don't ever say I don't do anything for yall.

We fade in on Enya alone in her room.

Hol Horse: Yeah, I just arrived a second ago. I followed them all the way here. Still, an old woman like you shouldn't be tasked with going after them all by your lonesome!
Enya: ...............-sob- Ooooh... -sniff- Waaaaah! Oh, Hol Horse!
Hol Horse: W-what's wrong, Enya? Don't cry!
Enya: I... I'm just so happy! Thank you, Hol Horse, for coming to keep a lonely old woman company... Thank god you came here... -sniffle- You were a friend of my son, weren't you, Hol Horse?
Hol Horse: Huh? Uh, yeah... -ahem- We were friends!
Enya: Very good friends?
Hol Horse: Yeah! That's right! Very good friends! We were an unstoppable combo! Is something wrong? You're not your usual self today, Enya!
Enya: Did you come here to avenge my son?

Hol Horse: Why, I'd even use the famous cowboy phrase reserved for only your closest loved ones! He was my "giddy-up pardner"!
Enya: That's why I'm happy!
Hol Horse: !?

Once you're over 70, your battle cry becomes "Graaaawwww!!" no matter what it used to be. I don't make the rules.

Hol Horse: O-owww!! Yeaarrrgh! Q-quit it, Enya!!!
Enya: How could you have the nerve to leave my son for dead!? I was set on killing you from the moment I saw you here! How dare you call yourself a friend to my son!? You shameless bastard!
Hol Horse: W-wait! You've got it all wrong! J. Geil was already dead by the time that happened!
Enya: Yaaaaaaaaah!! I'll never forgive you! You're as low as Polnareff! I'll give you the honor of a swift death at the hands of my Stand, Justice!
Hol Horse: ...Ju-
Enya: Justice!! The 11th arcanum that symbolizes all that is fair and righteous!! My Stand will judge you! You've probably heard rumors about it, but you've never seen it in action... Well, take a good look, Hol Horse!

Hol Horse: E-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!
Enya: What a nice, perfectly round hole... That fog is my Stand! Once they come into contact with it, all wounds, however small, will end up just like that! Looks like Justice wants to dance with you!
Hol Horse: Urgh! W-woah!! M-my arm is moving on its own... Auuuuuuggghhh!! It's gonna break my bones!
Enya: When the hole is opened, my fog can enter and control you just like marionette strings... You'll be my obedient little puppet! Now, die by your own hand, Hol Horse!

Hol Horse: M-mmmph... Pwah!!
Hol Horse: Good thing I trained so diligently to remove my gag reflex!
Hol Horse: G-god damn it! Don't relax just yet! Die, you rotten old bat! Emperor!

Here lies Hol Horse. Peperony and chease.

Justice is another decent early example of a kind of esoteric Stand. Giant fog cloud that enters through wounds and turns people into puppets? Sure! How could our heroes possibly get out of this one with the power of punching things real hard, spirit photography, stretching real long, and having a sword?

Also notable to me is that like... an old lady wanting revenge for her only son being killed is not an unreasonable goal. If J. Geil wasn't a rapist-murderer and Enya wasn't obviously evil and also working for Dio - the man who lit a dog on fire when he was 12 - she'd be edging towards slightly sympathetic.

Enya: -gasp-!
Joseph: What's up, Polnareff?
Polnareff: Nothing... I'm just gonna poke around the downstairs a bit. I'll be in the lobby if you need anything.
Enya: (Curse you, Polnareffffff!! Coming in, are you!? I want to kill you so badly... Aaahhh... You'll pay for my son's life! I'll string your guts our like tinsel!)

After the long cutscene, we get an opportunity to save, and we enter another long cutscene. Good thing they're incredibly fun and engaging to transcribe like this! (THEY AREN'T)

Polnareff: You fell? You should be more careful! First your hand, now this... You're gonna end up seriously hurting yourself!
Enya: Thank you! Sorry about that... I'll be fine, really! (Just buzz off! Who said you could come in here!? Damn it aaalllll!! I had to stuff Hol Horse's body underneath the sofa... He'll surely find it there! I'll have to remain calm... But no mistake, Polnareff! You'll end up just like Hol Horse in a minute! All I have to do is injure you a little... Then you'll be at the mercy of my Justice!)

You can in fact see Hol Horse's body peeking out from under the couch if you look closely.

I know what I just said about Enya being almost sympathetic, but seeing as she isn't, unintentionally tormenting her like this is actually pretty funny.

Enya: Oh, nothing... Nothing at all... Anyhow, it's just little old me... (Just leave, you inconsiderate moron!!)
Polnareff: Hmmmm... I see...... Don't you get lonely? If your sons or grandsons were here, they'd be running around the lobby making a ruckus... Noisy, but it's not bad to have an extra company.
Enya: G-grawww...
Polnareff: I guess your children must be older than me now... What happened to them? Did they move to the city?
Polnareff: Frankly, considering the condition of the town, I can't say I blame them, but...
Enya: I had a son... But he's dead now...
Polnareff: Oh... I... I'm so sorry! It must be a sore subject.

Polnareff: Pardon my rudeness... Here, let me give you a backrub. I'm also all alone... My mother died when I was young. You remind me a lot of her... This is bringing back memories! Just for tonight... Why don't you pretend I'm your son... And let me take care of you?

I feel like this is a completely unhinged thing to say even at the best of times. About the only context where it doesn't sound fucked up is one of those situations you see on "heartwarming video" compilations where an adult adoption or something is happening.

Polnareff: Hm? Did you hear something? Oh... Oh my god! Who is that!?
Enya: (Ho... Hol Horse! He's still alive!?)

Did you really think Hol Horse would kill himself with his own magic gun?

Polnareff: You're Hol Horse! ...-gasp-!!
Enya: Kehhhhhhh!!

Polnareff: What!? W-what are you doing!?
Enya: Silence! I'm the mother of the man you killed... J. Geil!
Polnareff: Urk! ...What!?
Enya: All those responsible for my son's death must perish! Keeeeeeeee!!
Polnareff: M-MR. JOESTAR!!

Polnareff: A walking corpse...!?
Enya: Hee hee hee hee hee hee! This is the power of my Stand, Justice! Stands are one to a person... But my Justice is a fog that can manipulate dead bodies! My Stand can manipulate hundreds... no, thousands of dead bodies if it pleases! And even if you were to annihilate this entire army... You still wouldn't damage me! Hya-hya-hya-hya-hya!!
Hol Horse: Every one of these townspeople... is dead... A-and if you get injured... You'll end up just like this... Polnareff...
Polnareff: Y-your reason for hating me is totally backwards! And your Stand is just as twisted as your personality...
Polnareff: I can't believe I considered calling you "Mommy", even for a moment...
Enya: Just a tiny wound... Even the most negligible little scratch will do! My Stand will handle the rest! Attaaaaaaack!!
Polnareff: Silver Chariot!!!

Polnareff: Damn this woman! Cleaving one or two of them is no problem for my Stand, but... I know what to do in times like these... Run for the hills!
Hol Horse: Waaaaah! Polnareff! Don't just ditch me here!!
Polnareff: Shut up, Hol Horse! I haven't forgotten what you did to Abdul! Why should I help you!? Just die, asshole!

Polnareff: Jesus! She's fast for an old crone!
Enya: Eat this!!!
Polnareff: Aaaaaaaaaaaugggghhh!!

Polnareff: -huff, huff, huff, huff- M-man, it's dark in here! Isn't this the way to the cellar? This isn't good... If I call for the others here, they'll never hear me. I could probably fight her normally, but if I get injured... I'll end up like Hol Horse, with my body full of holes! Damn it! There's gotta be an exit around here... Shit... I'd better hide in here!

Polnareff: (Fine! Come if you will! Smash the door in, I don't care! When you enter, my Silver Chariot will slice all 4 of you up before you can say "zombie"!)
Polnareff: (........? W-what!? The noise stopped... What are they doing out there? C'mon! Do something already! ...Fine, I'll just take a little peek through the keyhole... then make a mad dash for the 3rd floor!)

There's something wacky about this scene of all scenes getting unique portraits.

Polnareff: Whaaat!? Oh... oh no! They got my tongue!

Insert some kind of "French kiss" groaner here. It's 8:30am and my Ritalin hasn't quite kicked in yet, I'm doing my best.

Polnareff: A-ahh... Auuuuggghhh!! Yeep! A hole opened up!
Enya: Excellent! You've finally fallen into my Justice's trap! You'd better open that door before your face is crushed, shit-for-brains!
Polnareff: A-auuuugghh... Ah... Ah... Eeeeeeeeee!!

Polnareff: N-nngaaaaahh...! Noooooooooooo!!

Polnareff is lifted up and slammed against the back wall!

Polnareff: !! What!? Nnngh! Mmmaauuggh!
Enya: Make it clean enough to lick! Lick it! Lick it! Taste it, Polnareffff!! Rerorerorerorero!!
Polnareff: A-ahhh... A-anything but that! Anything!! Aaaah... Help meeeeeeee!!
Enya: !!!!!!! Tch! Someone's here!

Jotaro: What were you so preoccupied with that you couldn't hear me? ...Miss.
Enya: !!! O-oh, you did, did you...? I'm sorry... My hearing's not what it used to be...
Jotaro: ...Is that so? Anyway, have you seen Polnareff?
Enya: (Nnngghhh... What should I do? Should I play dumb and say I don't know? No... This Jotaro brat... He's sharper than Polnareff! He probably already suspects something! If I try to play innocent, it's just going to make things worse... I'll just have to tell him the truth! Then, when his back is turned, I'll stab him with these scissors! My Stand will handle the rest!)

Polnareff: (Mmgh! Mmgh! T... that voice... It's Jotaro! Shoot! He doesn't know about her Stand yet! If he's injured, it spells the end for both of us! ...D-don't come in here, you idiot! Tell the others! That old hag's a Stand user!)
Enya: He's in the bathroom! I saw him go in just a minute ago, Jotaro, sir!
Jotaro: ......The bathroom, huh? Is that it?

Enya: A-ahh... That was close!
Jotaro: Yeah, no kidding. You shouldn't run with scissors. Good thing nothing bad happened, huh?
Enya: W-waahhh...
Jotaro: Anyway, as I was saying... Sorry to ask you while you're on the ground, but... Why did you call me Jotaro just now? I don't recall giving you my name. No one ever called me that in front of you, either.
Enya: !! Rrrgghh...

Jotaro: Oh, by the guestbook... Do you mean this one?
Enya: Huh?

There's a pool of random names that can be used instead of the player's name. Hirohiko Araki is, of course, the creator of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. Other options include "Mohammed Abdul" (RIP); "Ikuro Hashizawa", "B.T.", or "Irene Rapona", the main characters of previous Araki works; and "Doraecat", an offbrand Doraemon that briefly cameoed during the Yellow Temperance fight. Jotaro's own pseudonym of "Q-taro" is almost certainly a reference to Little Ghost Q-taro, a Japanese cultural touchstone of the 1960s also by the creator of Doraemon.

Meanwhile, "Tenmei" is another reading of the kanji for Kakyoin's given name, "Noriaki". Araki originally meant the character's name to be "Tenmei", but his editor assumed it was "Noriaki" and that's what made it to print.

Jotaro: I had a sneaking suspicion ever since you called Gramps by his name, so I instructed everyone not to use mine... Don't play dumb. I already know you're a Stand user, old lady. You just made it obvious.

You don't get to join in on this fight unless you're with Jotaro during the scene transition. Bit of a baffling move if you ask me, but I suppose it makes a certain amount of sense.

Jotaro: As a penalty for trying to pull one over on us... You're gonna take us on 2 VS 1.
Enya: ............Keh keh keh keh... 2 VS 1? 2 VS 1, you say? Keh keh keh keh keh keh...
Jotaro: Well? What's wrong? Why won't you show your Stand?

The corpse puppets jump us, but Star Platinum is faster.

Cascada: !... My body... it's being pulled by something!
Enya: Gyahahahahahahahaaa!! My Stand, Justice, always wins! That little scrape is enough! You've fallen into my trap, Jotaro!

Hol Horse: C-can you speak, Polnareff!? Nggh... Jotaro! It's me! Hol Horse! Enya's Stand is composed of fog! It creates holes out of wounds and uses them to puppeteer people! Living or dead, it doesn't matter!
Enya: Swallow your arm and shut up, Hol Horse!
Hol Horse: Nngah!
Enya: Sorry, it's not a 2 VS 1 at all! It's a 2 VS the whole entire town!!

Fucking finally.

Enya: Keh-keh-kehhhh!! You fool! You think you can punch fog!? Can you cut it with a sword!? Shoot it with a gun!? It's useless! Utterly useless! -cackle- Keh-keh-keh!! You can't do aaaaaaanything!!
Hol Horse: T-this really is a top-level Stand... Our attacks won't do a thing... Our Stands are no match... No Stand is a match for it...!
Enya: That's right, keep going! Say it again! It's music to my hears! Keh-keh-keh-keh! You're under my control now, Jotaro!!

Despite what she says, Jotaro does not start the battle under her control.

Like some of the optional bosses we've encountered, the gimmick here is that Justice is effectively invulnerable and repeatedly resummons the corpse adds. Enya will either heal herself or inflict annoying debuffs. Meanwhile, the corpses can beat on us while we're busy recovering from blindness or whatever.

Justice can also spread its fog, which has a chance of inflicting various status effects. It can blind you, knock you down, or...

Puppet status can't be cured normally with items, you have to wait for it to wear off. Meanwhile, the affected party member is going to just start attacking. Thankfully this was pretty much at the end of the fight.

If you're rolling with Jotaro solo, you'll probably want to use Brainstorm. Star Platinum, uh, uses its super lung capacity (???) to inhale all the fog at once, rendering Enya unable to breathe and causing her to pass out. Fight over.

Polnareff: What's it matter? Just give me the mouthwash. I need to disinfect my tongue.
Kakyoin: ...I thought I heard him say something like... "Toilet"...
Joseph: -giggle-... Pfffffft!! (I already knew! This is just too funny to let go!)
Kakyoin: ...Pfft! (You're awful, Mr. Joestar.)
Polnareff: What!? You knew already!? Who told you!? Jotaro!? You were just messing with me! Damn it! I don't want the mouthwash anyway!
Joseph: Sorry, sorry! Just let me take a look. We don't want it getting infected. Since you... -ahem, ahem- ...licked a toilet. Gahahahahaha! Hee hee hee!

From what I recall (I think a Mythbusters episode?), the top of the toilet seat is generally cleaner than say, an average countertop. The lid is usually covering it, and the only thing touching it is usually just the bare skin of your ass, which is usually only touching your pants and not exactly interacting with a lot of pathogens. That said, I mean... it's a toilet.

There's actually a slightly different line here for every single player Stand. Some of them don't even offer mouthwash.

Jotaro: ......What a pain.
Kakyoin: This journey really has been full of surprises... This time, the entire town was a Stand.
Cascada: Yeah, we saw.
Polnareff: I was pretty shocked myself!
Cascada: Out of all the Stands we've seen, none of them could act on this kind of scale...
Joseph: It constructed an entire town, moved the corpses, and even made them talk to us... For someone so old, her Stand is quite tenacious. Maybe it gets more powerful the more the user's hatred grows, just like that Devo fellow's...
Polnareff: And to top it off, she's gotta be faster than Florence Joyner!

I admit I had to look this up. Florence Joyner was an Olympic sprinter, setting world records in 100m and 200m sprints during the 1988 Olympics. Her records still stand as of this writing.

Polnareff: Yeah! That's what I'm worried about!
Joseph: Well, I talked it over with Jotaro, and... We're taking her with us.
Polnareff: W-we're taking her with us!?
Jotaro: There's a veritable mountain of information we need to get out of her. The other Stand users that are coming to attack us... Where in Egypt Dio is hiding... Something to narrow down our search. Also... We need to know what kind of Stand power Dio has. If we can force it out of her, we'll have an overwhelming advantage against him.
Kakyoin: I don't think she's going to talk that easily.
Polnareff: Why don't we just torture her? That could be fun!
Cascada: Hey Polnareff, what the fuck?
Polnareff: She made me lick a toilet! Death is too cheap!!

Hol Horse: Sorry, I'm sticking with Dio! See you later... If you don't die, that is!
Polnareff: Get back here, bastard! That's our car!
Hol Horse: As thanks, lemme tell you something! You'd better kill that old woman right now! If you bring her with you, Dio'll show you what true fear really is! Later!

Araki has indicated that he had some early plans for Hol Horse to join the party - there are even a few chapter-extra group shots with him included - but decided against it because he would have served the same purpose in the dynamic as Polnareff. Instead he gets to be a recurring comedy villain, which is almost as good.

These updates are getting too fucking long, I might have to impose some kind of self-imposed limit just so I don't go insane. Either way, see you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

2 - The Story So Far

2024-09-17T21:27:33.630Z

(originally posted February 28, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

~~By the way, votes and suggestions for the Player Character are still open polls in the OP and will be until March 1st. Leap year is giving you a whole extra day! Wow!~~
Polls over, they happened on Cohost long ago.

Last time, Joseph Joestar landed in Japan to bail his asshole grandson out of jail and teach him about Stands, spectral manifestations of will. He claimed this was all related to their bloodline's fated enemy, someone named Dio. Fitting, since 7SU is a JRPG and we all know that JRPGs end with killing God.

The group has lunch at a local cafe to chat about genealogy. Nothing like a public location to hash out your family troubles.

Every Part's protagonist has a name that can be shortened to "Jojo" (most likely in reference to Get Back by The Beatles), hence the series title. In Eastern countries, one's family name usually comes first, so our current Jojo is Kujo Jotaro.

Abdul: Heh... But when you think about it, our evil spirits are equally unbelievable, aren't they?
Jotaro: ...
Jotaro: Not as much as an Egyptian guy or my racist grandpa knowing perfect Japanese. When'd you pick that up?
Abdul: We watched all of Combat Mecha Xabungle while in transit... that was sufficient to glean the basics.

Joseph: I'll show you... Truth is, Jotaro... One year ago, I discovered that I also have the same kind of evil spirit as you - a Stand!
Holly: Is that true, Papa!?
Jotaro: What did you say, Gramps!?
Joseph: Look closely! This is my Staaaaaaaand!

Jotaro: ... what the hell, Gramps?

The manga identifies the camera in question as a Polaroid Sun 670, which... almost certainly would not have retailed for $300. The "original" instant Polaroid, the SX-70, retailed for $180 when it launched in the 70s.

Jotaro: You can't use anything cheaper?
Joseph: You expect me to use a 640 like a filthy commoner?

Imagine your first day on the job at a fancy cafe when three foreigners and the biggest teenager you've ever seen sit down and start karate-chopping a Polaroid. They probably didn't even leave a tip either.

Abdul: Nothing that concerns you. Begone.

The waiter sulks away behind the text box.

Joseph: Pay attention, Jotaro! The image this photo shows... will decide your fate!

Jotaro: ...? What do you mean?
Joseph: I'm sure you've never examined it carefully... but on the very base of my neck, there's a star-shaped birthmark.

Jotaro: Why do you mention it?
Joseph: I heard from my mother that my late father also had this very birthmark. I imagine all those of the Joestar bloodline must have it.
Jotaro: So what exactly is on that photo?

You didn't pay it any mind because it didn't exist! It had to be retconned in!

Abdul: Get on with it, Mr. Joestar!
Kakyoin: Get on with it!
Polnareff: Oui, get on with it!
Iggy: -woof yelp woof bark-
GET ON WITH IT!

Jotaro: Show us what's on that photo!!

Jotaro: .......
Jotaro: How does that make ANY sense?

Part 1 of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure - retroactively named Phantom Blood - follows the life of Jonathan Joestar and his nemesis Dio Brando. The first leg of the story depicts their childhoods, when the orphan Dio is adopted by the Joestars as a gesture of kindness to his deceased father. Dio attempts to worm his way into become the sole successor of the wealthy Joestars, while secretly tormenting Jonathan at every turn.

Dio's scheme is not revealed until many years later, at which point he uses an ancient artifact to transform himself into a vampire and escapes. Jonathan and his companions - Robert Edward O. Speedwagon and Italian wizard Will Zeppeli - go on a brief quest to defeat Dio using the power of "Hamon"/"Ripple", a magical martial art that channels solar power.

After much sacrifice, Dio is vanquished, but he decapitates himself before the Ripple can destroy his brain and secretly escapes. As Jonathan and his wife sail to America for their honeymoon, Dio's head ambushes him, causing the ship to explode. Jonathan sacrifices himself to allow his wife, their unborn child, and an orphaned baby to escape, dragging Dio down into the depths.

...Until now.

She left out the part where Jonathan punched through a solid brick wall so hard that it caused Zombie Jack the Ripper to literally melt? Weird oversight.

Joseph: He caused the stock crash last year too! AND I bet he's the Unabomber!
Jotaro: I thought you said he's only been back FOUR years?
Joseph: I didn't crush a cop's hand with a bottle cap during the war to take lip from you, kid.

Abdul: It's very likely that Dio's awakening has in turn awakened your own dormant abilities.
Joseph: Abdul. Can you determine his location from this photo?
Abdul: I am a fortune teller, Mr. Joestar, not a GPS system. And if I may say, your Stand has a poor sense for working the aperture.
Joseph: I see. What about my grandfather's workout routine? Can you make out anything about that?

Joseph: Sorry Holly, but it looks like we're going to have to park ourselves at your place here in Japan for a little while.
Joseph: At least until I figure out how Grandpa got so shredded...

Meanwhile, an indeterminate distance away...

A mysterious figure stands atop a staircase, surrounded by corpses drained dry of blood.

???: Jonathan's descendants... no doubt... This body seems to be sending out a signal somehow...
???: I knew I shouldn't have gotten it chipped...
???: So be it... I suppose this is destiny...

We fade out one more time, entering another dimension - a dimension of sound, of sight, of mind, shadows and substance, things and ideas. We are entering... the Fanfic Zone.

Don't I fucking know it. On Cohost I could only upload four images at a time! And now I have to reconstruct THE ENTIRE THING!

Next time... we meet our protagonist.

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

#lp-7su

19 - Starring Pat Sajak and Vanna White

2025-01-09T21:27:59.281Z

(Originally Posted July 12, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Joseph dealt with a tumor on his arm by throttling it with psychic vines. Now, the party is driving to Pakistan in what the game really wants you to know is a Toyota Land Cruiser.

Jotaro: Bet I could build a log cabin with Star Platinum.
Kakyoin: With tools, or without?
Jotaro: Don't need 'em. Stand only.
Cascada: Hardly a bet, even Polnareff could do that.

Kakyoin: Hey, Polnareff! Your driving's way too aggressive!
Polnareff: Heh heh heh! What do you think we've got a four-wheel drive for?
Joseph: Polnareff! You kicked up a bunch of rocks at the other driver! Don't get us in an accident, please!

Cascada: How many bystanders have Dio's assassins killed at this point?
Kakyoin: Perhaps four or five.
Joseph: You forgot the entire crew of the charter ship.
Jotaro: What about that Nena chick?
Joseph: Well, that depends on how long Empress was controlling her body.
Cascada: Does that mean Hol Horse was banging Empress and didn't know it?
Polnareff: I hope that hayseed was getting catfished as hard as I was.

Kakyoin: Don't forget the Hotel Clarks. They exuded quite the colonial charm.

Both: ......
Cascada: Polnareff...
Kakyoin: ...Right...

Cascada: Ow-ow-ow-ow...
Kakyoin: What happened, Polnareff!? W-why'd you stop the car!?
Joseph: Urgh... Didn't I just tell you not to get us in an accident!?
Polnareff: N-no... Look! Over there! I can't believe it!

The little scamp is back.

Kakyoin: Hey! I thought we left you in Singapore! Weren't you supposed to meet your father there?

Joseph: Hey! Wait! Who said you could climb in!? How did you even get to India!?

I was resisting having to crop and upload a new portrait for this bit character but there is just too much dialogue with nothing interesting happening visually in this update. Fie on me.

Anne: Hey! Wanna see some dirty pictures? I stole 'em in India! You like this stuff, right?
Polnareff: H-hey! That's not something a kid should be carrying around!
Cascada: Aren't those the same ones you got at that book stall in Calcutta?
Polnareff: Exactly! I've already got copies, I don't need to see yours!
Joseph: Polnareff! I can't believe you!

Joseph: No! No! No! No!
Kakyoin: Still, I can't believe she made it this far on her own... She's quite independent.
Cascada: Yeah, but hitchhiking from Singapore to here in that time has gotta be some kind of world record...

She was on the same train to Calcutta as the rest of the crew, they just didn't know it, so she "only" hitchhiked from Calcutta to the Pakistani border. Getting here first isn't that out of the question considering how much time we've spent fighting cowboys and model tanks and such. The actual question is how she knew we'd end up specifically on this road.

Anne: You guys are mean! Take me with you!
Joseph: No!
Anne: Please take me! Please take me! Please take meeeee! Please! Please! Please!
Joseph: No! No! No no no no no!
Jotaro: Shut the fuck up, all of you! You're annoying!

Polnareff: ...?
Jotaro: ...Isn't that the car we passed before? Looks like they're in a hurry.
Polnareff: Sure didn't stop 'em from puttering along before! Why are they tailgating now? What are they thinking?

I'm getting war flashbacks to driving on the I-5. The segment between Los Angeles and San Francisco is 350 miles of flat desert with only two lanes each direction. You end up going 95 miles per hour without even noticing and so you slide straight off the road when you try and change lanes because some asshole in an Audi is tailgating you like they're trying to get a speed boost in Mario Kart.

Kakyoin: They might be mad that you cut them off earlier.
Jotaro: ...Did you get a look at the driver?
Polnareff: Nah... The window was too dirty.
Jotaro: Think they might be a Stand user?
Anne: You guys have said that like a hundred times! What's a Stand user?
Cascada: If you have to ask, you don't wanna know.
Jotaro: ...They opened their window.

Joseph: It's your fault for egging him on!

The Toyota Land Cruiser is descended from military jeeps, so it's got a reputation for being a rough-and-tumble offroad type of car. It's also apparently quite popular in Africa and the Middle East.

Polnareff changes lanes to pass, but...

Polnareff: He's not messing around! If not for Star Platinum, we'd all have been crushed! Not even my Chariot and Kakyoin's Hierophant combined would have been able to stop a truck at that speed!
Cascada: If you hadn't shoved me into the back seat, I coulda blasted it.
Kakyoin: But we can't harm bystanders!
Cascada: Do you SEE what Jotaro did to that thing?
Joseph: Where's the car!?
Jotaro: Looks like they went ahead.

I ask this any time I have a bad social interaction.

Kakyoin: But I didn't see anything resembling a Stand attack at the time...
Joseph: Hmm...
Polnareff: What does or doesn't look like a Stand attack at this point? We've seen so many different types.
Cascada: The first person battle screen didn't show up, so...

Joseph: .........Let's just try to cross that border... If that car shows up again, we'll find out for sure whether it's an enemy or just a weirdo.
Cascada: Guess there's not much else we can do...
Kakyoin: What about that truck? It looks like Star Platinum really did a number on it...

Cascada hasn't been a Hero of Justice in a while. Nice to see her drag an unconscious person out of their burning truck (that we caused) and leave the fire going. A+ heroism.

I pick up a few solid curatives here and I unload a few items I will never ever touch, like the rouge Polnareff bought us in Singapore.

A minor quirk of this setpiece is that you only get one Steel action here. If you remember, you have to call him to do all sorts of things like changing your equipment, adjusting your tactical stance, checking your FP, switching your catchphrase, et cetera. Or, in our case, asking for advice on the area.

Steel: Here, we stop at Delhi, pass through Pakistan, and finally, it's goodbye to India. But it's far too optimistic to assume that our journey will go smoothly...
Cascada: Yeah, I heard Carmen Sandiego's ransacking the place...

Cameo alert on the bottom left: Akira Otoishi, a major villain from Part 4.

Joseph: Well, we haven't really gotten a chance to rest since we left Varanasi. Hey, waiter, what's that?

This is a popular beverage all around tropical Asia. My father told me that when he was a child in Singapore in the 40s, kids would just cut pieces of sugarcane off the side of the road and chew/suck on the ends.

Joseph: Sure, why not? .....! What!?
Kakyoin: I didn't think it'd be THAT good...

Everyone present at the cafe proceeds to side-eye each other. Our suspects are Bald Man, Man With Unusual Haircut, and Short-Haired Man. Killerman is nowhere to be seen.

Kakyoin: What should we do, Mr. Joestar? I don't think we're gonna get a confession out of any of them...
Polnareff: They're playing dumb!
Cascada: If we wait until the sun sets, we'll be in even more danger.
Joseph: Well, there's no way to tell which one of them is the driver... And yet I don't think we'll be able to cross the border in peace with him around... It seems like there's only one thing to do... Jotaro?
Jotaro: Yeah. As much as we don't want to involve innocent people, there's no other way.

Okay, look, Cascada might be a Hero of Justice, but come on. We've built up enough good karma that we can take the fun option sometimes.

Polnareff: H-hey... Did we just get suckered!?
Cascada: ...Looks like it.
Joseph: Did anyone see what he looks like!?
Kakyoin: Unfortunately, all I saw were his arms... What do you think he wants with us!? He's not directly engaging us, so it's still possible he's just a normal guy with some anger issues...
Polnareff: He might not be our enemy, but he's seriously pissing me off! He still owes us for that truck incident!

The game doesn't show it, but the manga has a couple panels here of our mystery driver messing with the road signs to pull our heroes down the wrong road.

Polnareff: Who cares!? We've almost caught up with him! I'll get him at this next turn!

Polnareff: Did he go around another corner!? A car couldn't possibly cross that suspension bridge...
Jotaro: Maybe he fell off the edge.

Kakyoin: W-we're going to be pushed off the edge! Polnareff! Put the car in backup gear and slam the gas!
Polnareff: I'm trying! But... I-I can't push him back! That thing's a fucking tank! God damn it! The four-wheel drive isn't doing a thing! Jotaro, use Star Platinum to smash that idiot's car to pieces!
Jotaro: I can't... There'll be too much recoil. We'll end up just like that truck from earlier.

This is most certainly not the kind of series where one should think about such things, but I guess this means Stands are still beholden to Newton's laws? Whether they're physical or incorporeal tends to just be a matter of narrative convenience. I hate that my brain thinks like this, sometimes.

lol, lmao

Joseph: Kakyoin! It's useless! Don't! Your Hierophant may be able to stretch indefinitely, but it can't support the car's weight! You'll be torn apart!
Kakyoin: Thanks for your concern, Mr. Joestar... But I'm not an idiot. I know what I'm doing.

This is meant to be a winch with a hook. A car's jumper cables would never be that strong.

Kakyoin: Yes... I do like sumo. But Jotaro... In sumo, it's illegal to punch your opponent.
Jotaro: (grin)

I mean, okay, you can't closed-fist punch, but in the right circumstances an open-palm slap can be as bad or worse. Especially by a rikishi; remember, about the only people strong enough to lift and throw sumo wrestlers are other sumo wrestlers.

Joseph: Still, there wasn't anything resembling a Stand attack... We'll just have to assume he was some lunatic.
Joseph: I guess this way I don't have to rethink my incredibly racist statements! Haha!
Cascada: -frown-
Polnareff: Either way, no one could survive a fall at this height... He got his just desserts.
Anne: ...Still, how did he get behind us despite there only being a single road? It's almost like he warped... Don't you think that's strange...?
Cascada: Eh.
Kakyoin: Not particularly.
Jotaro: Nope.
Joseph: After all we've seen so far, I suppose not.

When I was a kid, my family would watch Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune every single day. I can only read the words in that cadence.

Joseph: What!? He knows my name! That settles it! He's definitely an enemy!
Cascada: -whispering- Isn't your grandpa an internationally known real estate mogul...?
Jotaro: Dunno.
Kakyoin: He's sending out a radio signal from somewhere... It couldn't possibly be from the car from earlier, could it?
Polnareff: Of course not! It couldn't still be in one piece after that!

Joseph: W-what...?
Polnareff: A Stand that manifests physically... A super-powered car!?
Cascada: B-but no one could shrug off a fall like that, Stand or no...
Anne: I figured it out! A "Stand" is some kind of special engine or something, right? Like in Back to the Future!
Joseph: Er... sure, kid...

Kakyoin: ! ...What? ...What's that rumbling sound?
Polnareff: I don't have a good feeling about this...
Joseph: Get in the car, everyone!
Jotaro: No! Get away from the car!
Polnareff: ! ...No way!
Cascada: This earthquake...

There's a pun somewhere in here but frankly I'm writing this update at 8:30am on a Saturday and I can't pluck every low-hanging fruit.

Polnareff: Jotaro was right! It's a Stand! It all makes sense!
Kakyoin: The user must be inside of the car!
Joseph: It plans to kill us all off one by one... It planned to take all of us out at once with that truck, then he tried to push us off the cliff... Now he's going to run us all down!
Kakyoin: L-look! He crushed the car completely! And now he's...!

I finally noticed what was weirding me out about this background in particular, ever since that first fight with Polnareff in HK. It's a stock RPG Maker "desert" battle background, while most others are panel rips from the manga.

Jotaro: -hurk- W... what!? What did it just shoot at me...? I couldn't see its attack!
Joseph: Jotaro!

Joseph: (in the cadence of "Sora, Donald, Goofy") Jotaro! Polnareff! Kakyoin!
Anne: Eeeeeeek!!
Polnareff: Ngh... Shit! What did it just do!?
Kakyoin: It shot something at us... But I couldn't see what... Something pierced the skin, but there isn't anything like needles or glass inside of the wound!
Polnareff: Shoot! These wounds aren't deep, but they hurt like hell! Is it the same kind of attack as your Emerald Splash!?
Kakyoin: I don't think so. It doesn't seem to be storing energy, and we can't see the discharge!
Joseph: Are you okay, Jotaro!?

A good portion of the fanbase probably agrees.

Jotaro: Up here. Let's climb up to the top.
Anne: Yay! I love you, Jotaro! <3

Polnareff: What CAN'T this thing do!?
Jotaro: Gimme a break... Looks like we've gotta fight it after all. Get down, everyone. When he reaches the top, he'll expose the underside of the car... Then we'll see who's stronger.

Stupid question, if you ask me. If for some reason you do elect to use Jotaro only, the boss is weakened accordingly.

Joseph: You may be right... Why don't we all gang up on him once he finishes climbing?
Jotaro: ...All right. We'll get him the second he reaches the top!
Kakyoin: Still, we'll need someone to protect this girl while we're busy fighting him...

Cascada: Sounds like you're volunteering, mister "gentleman".
Kakyoin: ...walked right into that one...

A rare full party battle, minus whoever you picked to sit out. Wheel of Fortune is pretty durable and hits hard, but I've been keeping everyone's levels up. Things don't get too hairy here.

Like sure, this would be scary as hell with only two units, but with four we can still keep up our damage while someone's on curative duty.

If six turns pass, Wheel of Fortune uses his special attack from the manga where he reveals the mysterious droplets from before were made of gasoline. The entire party gets inflicted with irremovable OnFire status for the rest of the battle; a handful of the player Stands will either automatically mitigate this or even turn it against him for an easy win.

If six turns pass. He doesn't get that far.

Kakyoin: What an oddball. Thought he'd be less scrawny. Guess those arms that were sticking out the window were the only part of him with any muscle. All bark, no bite...

The guy tries to scurry off, but Polnareff grabs him.

JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: The 7th Stand User is filmed in front of a live studio audience...

Joseph: He's certainly no threat to us anymore... But I'll take his passport just in case he tries to leave India.
Polnareff: And since he totaled our Land Cruiser, we'll just have to use his car to cross the border...

I have it on good authority that this is exactly how the next Like A Dragon / Yakuza game is going to start. Ichiban Kasuga just can't catch a break.

Anne: Huhhh!? Why, Jotaro!? Nuh-uh! No way! I wanna go with yoooou!
Polnareff: Shut up! All you do is get in the way! You should be thankful we're buying you a ticket, you precocious little brat!
Cascada: I'm surprised she still wants to stick with us after that little incident...

In interviews, Hirohiko Araki said he wanted to include a girl with the group, but claimed Shonen Jump readers of the 80s would have rejected the idea because of the amount of violence inflicted on the cast. In another universe, Merlai Anne here might have been the 7th Stand User.

We fade out on one final laugh track...

Enya: You were so noble to sacrifice yourself for Lord Dio... J. Geeiiillllll!! How could such a chivalrous man die at the hands of such cowards!? -sob, sob, sob- Now, without my darling... I only have Lord Dio left to live for! But all the Stand users I entrusted with the task failed miserably at the hands of those pests... What an embarrassment... How can I face Lord Dio?

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

18 - My Arm Knows Kung Fu

2025-01-09T21:13:18.354Z

(Originally Posted July 5th, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we explored the ghats of Varanasi while Joseph was out getting his infected bug bite looked at. Let's check in with the old timer.

Joseph: G-gimme a break here! Can't you just stick some ointment and a band-aid on it and call it a day?
Joseph: That's how it always works in comics...

Joseph: Yecch, I can't look!

I'm not afraid of needles per se, but whenever I'm getting a vaccine or something I cannot look at the process. The needle itself isn't the problem, it's the needle entering skin.

Joseph: This kinda stuff sucks no matter how old you are... -grumble-

Joseph: W-whaaaat!?

Joseph: W-who said that!? ...Ah!

Empress: You're Joseph, the old fart, right? I'm gonna make it rain blood, baby!

The "chumimiiin" sound effect appears a few times in the JoJo series, usually said by some kind of wacky little creature. "Chuchu" is meant to be like a mouse squeaking sound (think Pikachu), so I'm pretty sure this is just meant to be some kind of squeak or chirp.

Joseph: Get lost!

Joseph: ! It has teeth! It blocked it! A-and... Unngghh...! So strong!!
Empress: Hee hee hee hee hee!!

Empress: Nuh-uh! You cut yourself! I'm a part of you after all... Old Man Joseph!

Empress: I know what you're thinking, Joseph... Stands can only be defeated by other Stands! Your Hermit Purple can let you see things from afar... But can you really fight me with that ability!? And furthermore... can you take me down now that I've become a part of your arm? That's what you're thinking! And by the way... You can't!

These days "nimrod" means "dummy" or "idiot", but it's also the name of a noted king in the Hebrew Bible. Traditionally, he's the guy who started building the Tower of Babel and was known as a great hunter. The change in meaning is often attributed to Looney Tunes cartoons where they dunked on Elmer Fudd by sarcastically calling him "Nimrod", but there's scattered evidence of it being used mockingly decades before that.

Other folklore involves Nimrod being dismembered and scattered after his death - an inspiration for Dormin from Shadow of the Colossus - but this originates from an 1853 Presbyterian pamphlet insisting that Catholicism is secretly a surviving sect of heretical Babylonian religion. The author conflates Nimrod with (among many other figures) the Egyptian god Osiris, who was dismembered and scattered across Egypt by his usurping brother Set.

Truly, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure contains multitudes.

With another innocent bystander dead, yet another one enters the room.

I looked this up and The Clarks is a noted hotel chain in India. The Varanasi branch in particular describes itself as "exuding a colonial charm", so I guess it's only natural Joseph would be staying there.

Empress: By the by, young lady... I've got a thing for pretty little nurses like yoooou!!
Joseph: Wha-wha-whaaaat!?
Empress: HellooOOOoo nurse!
Joseph: No! I actually hate brown people!! WAIT NO NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!

The scene fades out as police sirens blare in the distance.

Empress: Hya-ha-ha-ha! Looks like the Indian police are after you! You'll never get back to the hotel now! They'll stand between you and Jotaro! I'll kill ya for sure!
Joseph: Y-y-you little biiiitch!! I'll smash you against the wall!

Empress: I'm armed and dangerous, baby!
Joseph: W-what!? It sprouted a pair of hands! Is it... is it growing!?
Empress: Hey! You should be more gentle with your arm, old man!
Empress: I can't tell if this is tennis elbow or wanker's cramp! Oof!

Just like when we were wandering around with Cascada, if you kill any of the police you get a game over. All we can do is run.

Now, obviously it wouldn't do narratively to have last season's protagonist upstage the current one, but it sometimes feels like Joseph got done a little dirty. He is gold for comedy bits, though.

With this, we're booted into the wider Varanasi map playing as Joseph solo. It's quite rare to play as just one of the party members without Cascada around; I think it only happens when the manga dictates the party's split, like with the Hanged Man fight a few updates ago.

This is also why the Varanasi map is oddly large and winding despite not having much in it during the hub segment. Here, you're running around lost and confused with Joseph while being chased down by the cops.

The other encounters are still hanging out too, and they can get real tough without Cascada there to blast things. I avoid as many as possible.

Joseph: -huff- -wheeze- Is that...!? Hey!!

If I were in this situation and the other options for help were Jotaro or Polnareff, I guess Kakyoin would also be my first choice. Begrudgingly.

Joseph: OH NOOOO!!

Joseph: SON OF A BITCH!!

Eventually, this happens and we move on to the next scene. I believe it's on some kind of random timer.

Okay, I couldn't help my curiosity so I looked at some of the event triggers. It's not a timer at all! Invisible NPCs are placed throughout of the map, set to constantly move towards the player at half speed. On contact, they activate this event and teleport you to the next location. Neat!

Joseph: ...............!? W-what are you doing!?
Empress: ............I'm eatin'! I've gotta eat a healthy, balanced meal so I can grow big and strong, Joseph!
Joseph: Did you steal those from the shop on the way here!? You're a tricky one!

The game can't really depict this, but in the manga, Joseph's been running around while covering his messed-up arm with a cloth. Empress drops a bunch of food scraps showing she's been eating various fruits, a cabbage, and a whole live chicken.

Joseph: Blugh!

Joseph really getting into the role of parent here. Spot on imitation.

Empress: Father dearest! Thank you for raising me up until now! You deserve a break... Why don't you retire to the world beyond!?
Empress: You'll be stuck on Snake Way for decades, at minimum! Hee hee!
Joseph: N-nooo! I haven't caught up on Dragon Ball for the past two weeks!

Empress: Atchooohhhh!!
Joseph: !?
Empress: Heh heh heh... I've already gotten big enough to kill you easily! Check it out! I can already reach your neck! Once I cut your artery, you're history! Just wait and see... I'll show you my REAL strength!! Haiyaaa!! Atchooohhh!!!
Joseph: Nnngh! OH NOOOOO!!

I assume this goes without saying to anyone familiar enough with anime to be reading this, but Empress is doing kiai here, aka The Sounds What Bruce Lee Makes When He Punches A Fool. The "atatatatata" bit specifically is a shout-out to Fist of the North Star, a seminal martial arts manga and major inspiration for JoJo.

Hitting the 10 turn limit isn't a game over or anything. You get tossed back to the map and have to do things the manga way, which involves dunking the Empress in tar to halt her movements. That's why all the NPCs in Varanasi wouldn't shut up about where to find tar.

Empress occasionally boosts all her stats like this, and otherwise does hefty enough damage that 10 turns is a pretty tough ask if you're trying to heal. But Cascada's training sessions weren't for nothing.

Watch this gif loop about 8 times and you've got an idea of how the battle goes.

Get fucked.

Empress: T-that's right... Dio warned me about this... About the intense determination of the Joestar bloodline...!
Empress: Now I need to update the "Intense Determination" page on the fansite!
Joseph: I told you... You don't have the fighting experience to beat me! When the enemy is sure they've won, they've already lost. I'm old, but I still know that! This is how Joseph Joestar does things! But Stands can only be defeated by other Stands... Hmm... What should I do with you?
Empress: N-no...

Predicting the enemy's next line was Joseph's catchphrase back in the Part 2 days. It was mainly meant to show how he was a more cerebral and tricky fighter than his grandfather Jonathan, who was more of a regular "I love justice and I punch things real hard" kind of guy.

In the manga he does this by wrapping her up, slinging the other end of Hermit Purple's vines around a balcony, and jumping. Gnarly.

Polnareff: In ze French manner, of course!

Polnareff: W-whaaat!? What is that thing!?

Polnareff: What!? Her!? An enemy!? Y-y-you... You tricked me!!
Joseph: So she was using the body of a beautiful woman as camouflage... You're too naive, Polnareff! It's a good thing we found out before anything happened...
Polnareff: ...W-... Waaaaaaaah...

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Cascada: Wait, I didn't show up AT ALL this episode? Seriously?

17 - Take Me To The River

2025-01-09T21:27:11.150Z

(Originally Posted June 28, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Polnareff achieved revenge on his sister's killer at the cost of Abdul's life. How is he reacting to this tragic event?

Polnareff: Nena... You're the daughter of a well-off family in Varanasi, aren't you? You may be pretty, but you seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders, too! Trust me, I'm a great judge of character! That's why you should listen when I tell you that Hol Horse is nothing but a filthy, lying scumbag!
Nena: Oh, I see... Tell me more, sir.
Polnareff: He just wants to use you for his own rotten gains! Your parents would be heartbroken if they knew...
Nena: My parents... how could I tell them I was seeing a white man...
Joseph: What's wrong with white people?
Cascada: Remember when you described all Indians as "curry-eating beggars and thieves?" That's what.
Nena: Oh, my dear, noble Hol Horse... he only called us beggars...

Polnareff: That's no way to look at things! You've gotta stay calm and keep an open mind. Right?
Cascada: If Abdul heard you say that, I don't know how he'd react.
Polnareff: He would back me up! I just know it!
Kakyoin: He... it hasn't even been 24 hours...

Joseph: Ah well... Guess I'd better go... Just make yourselves comfortable while I get it checked out.

And we're set loose upon another poor hub town. While you can trigger the next story segment by checking the back door like usual, there's also a hidden timer in Varanasi that'll start the event after you've entered and exited the hotel four times.

Cascada: Steel, you think Polnareff has a shot?
Steel: Though he achieved his vengeance, it was at the cost of another innocent life... It's unfortunate, but we haven't any time to grieve. We must hurry. I can sense 3 Stand users nearby... 2 of them are Dio's assassins. Why not take a stroll around the town until Joseph comes back? ...But be careful, of course.
Cascada: Wait, there's one not affiliated with Dio? Is it Vins?
Steel: .........
Cascada: Do not you fucking dare hold out on me.
Steel: Ask around.

If we talk to the tutorial guy in the lobby...

PDB: There are miniature tanks and helicopters buzzing around outside, but it seems like they're not under the Stand user's control. Since the user seems to have nothing to do with it, you should try to go after him, but carefully.
Cascada: You're off the hook for now, Steel.

Joseph's been out of the loop for a hot minute, Abdul is fucking dead, and you readers voted both Polnareff and Kakyoin off the island. Slim pickings for The Machine, but thankfully Varanasi is one of the less extensive hubs.

In fact, we couldn't hang with Polnareff today even if we wanted to.

Kakyoin: Thank you. Sorry I didn't ask you first!
Cascada: Nobody in this group asks first, and I like it that way.

I'm not even taking Kakyoin along for any specific events, this is just the usual grinding session.

The Element of Freedom combo platter is still floating around and still the best combo of "easy to kill" and "gives decent EXP".

And now we've got these guys, legally distinct from the Green Hornets. Without the color patch, their overworld sprite would be exactly the same.

They've got high speed and like to use this attack that does both solid damage and lights you on fire. Assholes.

A bunch of NPCs around here desperately want to tell you about the tar down this alleyway. You know, the tar? The tar we've been using in construction? It smells really bad over on the east side of town, because of all the tar. This only matters to us if we haven't been keeping Joseph's level up.

As Tutorial Man noted, we've got these little RC helicopters zooming around the map. They're super fast and fly in a totally random pattern, so I actually chased this one down for a good ten seconds or so.

fuck you game

Also, fuck these guys.

They're absurdly quick and love to use moves that make you lose a turn. The gun attacks are no slouch when it comes to damage, either.

Love using up a bunch of SP on a mob that'll just bail.

Varanasi is right on the Ganges and has a ton of ghats (steps that lead directly down into the river). Some are specifically shmashana ghats for cremating bodies and letting their ashes get swept into the river.

Varanasi is pretty empty compared to some of the other hubs. Not many wacky diversions.

Cascada: Hey, miss nurse. Is Mister Joestar doing okay?

Cascada: GODDAMMIT

A brand new Murderdolls encounter and it's the most annoying one yet. This charge attack pictured above hits the entire party and has a high chance of knocking you over, making you skip your turn.

The encounter with the Lv4 Murderdoll and one Assassin is also in Varanasi, so I guess this means Joey is back in town.

Cascada: They got you pretty good. You okay?
Kakyoin: Why, I'm doing excellently. By the way, have you ever heard of the Florence Nightingale Effect?

Cascada: Sorry, were you saying something?
Kakyoin: ...er, Florence Nightingale...
Cascada: Oh yeah, didn't they discover she was secretly Jack the Ripper?
Kakyoin: ...never mind.

In addition to the helicopters we've also got mini tanks roving around. They're much slower, but they're tankier and hit harder.

A lot harder. On both party members, usually.

Fuck me I guess.

To add insult to injury, around here while screenshotting the footage is where I realized I'd accidentally moved the window too far to the right, cutting that sliver off the edge where the recording's stuck on an earlier frame. Did you notice?

I'm forced to load a save and grind Kakyoin back from 18 to 20. Picture me running in circles and hunting down Element of Freedom encounters because fuck those tanks.

Cascada: Let me guess: the tar.

And here is our final new encounter in Varanasi.

Kakyoin: I'm sure if we just politely talk to the police, we can clear up this terrible misunderstanding.
Cascada: Shit! The pigs! Cheese it!

Our only recourse is to flee. I'm a bit conflicted because I find this a clever encounter, but I can't deny that it's tedious.

Kakyoin: Running just makes us look worse, Cascada!
Cascada: They'll never take me alive!

Quick stat check. We're about on pace, maybe a touch ahead.

Jotaro: Lotta sirens out there. What's going on?
Cascada: Yeah, the cops think we killed someone in Calcutta.
Kakyoin: We did, to be fair...
Cascada: I didn't do shit. It's all Polnareff's fault.
Polnareff: So you see Nena, they call French the "language of love"... and I am French myself... therefore, by the transitive property-
Nena: Actually, I'd like to hear more about this French "guillotine"...

Jotaro: Fuck the police.
Kakyoin: How could you say that, Jotaro?
Cascada: Agreed.
Kakyoin: Finally!
Cascada: Fuck the police!
Kakyoin: ...-sigh-

Jotaro still isn't great at long range, but he's getting better.

Jotaro: You go in with your clothes on?
Cascada: Looks like it. A lot of people just wash their feet, though... do you want to try?
Jotaro: Huh... it smells weird, though.

Jotaro: ...nah.
Cascada: Oh my god. That's why the hotel rooms have smelled like that.
Jotaro: The water here's dirty?
Cascada: NONE OF YOU TAKE BATHS

Tell me more about this tar substance! I just need to know more!

The upper left corner of the map has this whole little forested area. Based on a cursory glance at a real map of Varanasi, I think this is meant to be Beniya Park. Don't quote me on that.

Off in this weird little corner is a guy poring over some documents and waiting for War Thunder to come out in 25 years.

Steel: I get the feeling that this man is a Stand user. Although I don't think he's realized it yet... According to my research, this man is the user of the Stand "Metalium". The blueprints he makes take shape as automatic Stands.
Cascada: Even if he's unaware of it, we can't exactly let his Stand run wild...
Steel: Yes, that's true... But if we burn or otherwise destroy these blueprints, the Stands should disappear as well.

We must protect the public. The cops sure aren't.

We probably could have just taught this guy about Stands. Oh well.

As is often the case with this game's mid-bosses, Henning himself isn't much of a theat. He'll try to inflict a lose-a-turn status occasionally or use a weak physical attack. But we've seen just how busted these tanks can be, and just a couple bad rolls can make this fight go south fast.

Cascada: Sorry, man.

Jotaro: ...Such a waste. I've never seen this much attention to detail in a blueprint before.

Jotaro: Yeah... But because of your ability, people have gotten hurt. You know how to control your Stand now, right? If I find out you've been using it to attack people, I won't hesitate to beat the piss out of you.

...all's well that ends well!

I pick up a few curatives at the 7-11 (there were no 7-11s in India until 2021) before we wrap things up around here by visiting Joseph.

Where have we heard that laugh before?

Cascada: ...Admitted? I thought he just had a bug bite?

Cascada: ? ...I don't feel sick or anything...

Cascada: goddammit

Cascada: ...-sigh-... if Abdul were here, he'd have better one liners...

It's really convenient that Power Rangers hit it big westward. It means we can transfer over a bunch of Super Sentai jokes basically unchanged.

Cascada: I WILL FUCKING END YOU

Losing control of Cascada's actions is actually a huge problem, because this boss will fuck you up. The gimmick here is that only one Joey is "real" and will end the battle when killed, but all of them have the same stats and annoying attacks. It's the same one every time (the fourth), but you don't really have any way of knowing that beforehand.

Bazookas do heavy damage, almost always inflict BlowBack status (making you lose a turn), and also light you on fire.

Jotaro got a neat new move during the offscreen grinding session, at least.

Sometimes all it takes is one lost turn, I swear to god.

Cascada: Quicksilver!!

Cascada: .........-sharp inhale-
Jotaro: Tch... he got away...
Cascada: AHHHHHHHHHHH

We're dropped outside the "hospital" across the street from the inn, and that's a wrap for Varanasi.

Jotaro has pulled way ahead in the level and FP rankings, probably because he's been around for most of mid-bosses lately. We gotta get Joseph back in the game or he'll be left in the dust. Wouldn't be right!

We'll check back in with the old timer... next time. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

16 - Aye Aye Sir

2026-03-20T14:40:58.533Z

(Originally Posted June 21, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Cascada learned an ancient martial breathing technique from a manual Abdul found at a street stall (watch Kung Fu Hustle, it's a good movie), provided electricity to those in need, totally failed to smoke some weed, and dealt with a Japanese person's view of India in 1989.

...prepare yourself for more of that last one, and for a dialogue-heavy update.

Jotaro: It's pretty cool. I like it.
Joseph: Are you crazy, Jotaro!? You've gotta be joking!
Kakyoin: Not so loud, Mr. Joestar.
Cascada: I guess it's a love-it-or-hate-it kind of place...
Polnareff: Whew! Talk about culture shock...

This section has way more typos and errors than usual. I can't imagine it's easy to fan translate an RPG Maker game... or uh, even professionally translate literally anything, now that I think about it.

Polnareff: What a weird looking toilet... Well, at least it's clean! Nice guys like me, they just can't stand a filthy toilet! ...Nn... Gyaaaaaaaaa!! Waaaaaaugh!!

Polnareff: S-s-s... Suitable!? As if! The... t-t-the... the... The toilet! Look in the toilet!

Polnareff: T-the bowl isn't the problem here! W... wait! Then... do these pigs eat...!?

Polnareff: W-Wait! Don't leave me alone in here! ...I-I think I'll just hold it in until I get back to my room...

It's a bit of a running gag that Polnareff keeps getting attacked or just having trouble when he's in the bathroom. Keep an eye out for it.

I can relate. Combination wearing glasses and having anxiety means I see a lot of phantom figures juuuust out the corner of my eye.

Polnareff: I can only see him through the mirror! Shit... This isn't good! Silver Chariot!

Polnareff: W-what!? How!? I'd better get out of here! It has to be a Stand! But... but where's the user!? Who is he!? It's too crowded here to tell! Damn it all...!!
Joseph: What happened, Polnareff!?
Polnareff: Just now! That Stand... Finally! Jotaro... I just encountered the Stand that uses mirrors! Finally... I can avenge my sister!

The game gives us an opportunity to save, then drops us outside.

Polnareff: I know my sister's killer is somewhere in the area... I can't just wait around until he strikes again! That's not my style! I'm gonna find him and kill him!
Joseph: Even though you don't know what he looks like, nevermind his Stand?
Polnareff: I know he has two right hands, and that's enough! Plus, he knows I'm after him... He'll be waiting for my move!
Abdul: That's exactly what he wants! Polnareff. I forbid you from Separating!
Polnareff: What, you think I can't beat him!?

Polnareff: I'm only going to say this once... I don't give two shits about Dio! The only reason I joined you in Hong Kong is to get revenge! Jotaro and Joseph understood that, why can't you!? This is my fight, and I'll fight it without you!
Joseph: I also think it's a bad idea, actually.
Jotaro: Yeah, same.
Abdul: ...You selfish...! Have you forgotten!? Dio is the one who brainwashed you! Dio is the cause of everything that's happened to us!
Polnareff: You haven't lost a sister! You couldn't possibly understand my feelings!!

Abdul: You know exactly how attractive Dio is! Have you forgotten my story!? It's extremely important for the full context!
Polnareff: How important could it really be? I've forgotten EVERY detail.
Abdul: ...You bastard!!

Cascada: Does that mean you'll take orders from ME?
Polnareff: N-no!
Abdul: You ungrateful little...!!
Polnareff: Ooh, did that hit a nerve!? Don't forget, you're the one who threw the first stone!

I checked the tapes and can confirm Adbul did not shove a sword through Joseph's porridge.

Abdul: Fine. I'm just disappointed in him... I thought he was a better man than that.

Here's one of the more interesting choices in 7SU, especially if you're familiar with the plot of the manga.

Could we really live with ourselves if we let the stupid Frenchman get himself killed? Okay, maybe, but we put so much time into training him. Sunk cost fallacy strikes again!

Joseph: What did you say!?
Cascada: I can't leave him alone in such a dangerous situation! Once he gets his revenge, I'll bring him back.
Kakyoin: But you'll be in danger too, Cascada!
Jotaro: This is for Polnareff to deal with himself. We shouldn't interfere.
Cascada: I know... I understand that. But I can't let him get into trouble. If anything happens, I'll call you.
Cascada: And do you REALLY think he can handle even ONE Stand user alone?
All: ......

Polnareff: Cascada!? ...I'm telling you, no! I need to kill him with my own hands!
Cascada: I know. I won't interfere, I promise. But there might be other Stand users waiting with him! If so, you're going to need a hand!
Polnareff: ......Are you sure? All right... but don't push it.

That was easy.

The camera pans up to show two unique sprites, then pans back down.

Polnareff: Which one!? Where is he!?

Hol Horse: Dio promised me quite the sum of money to take you out, you know.
Polnareff: I don't need your life story, hayseed! Where's the man with two right hands?

"Hayseed" is a weirdly specific put-down to use here. I'm kind of impressed.

Hol Horse: Geez, you're impatient! Well, you asked, so I'll tell you... He came here with me... and he's close.
Polnareff: What!? Tell me where he is!
Hol Horse: You don't need to know that... Because I, Hol Horse, will kill you right here!
Polnareff: Yeah, that's what they all say!
Hol Horse: Pfft...
Polnareff: What? Did I say something funny?

Hol Horse: Heh heh... Can I tell you something? In war strategy, tanks beat soldiers, but mines beat tanks. It's simple, just like rock-paper-scissors!
Cascada: I don't think soldiers beat mines, though...
Hol Horse: Same thing goes for your Chariot versus my Emperor! Simply put... Your sword can't beat my gun!

I looked up what this pun is in Japanese. Hol Horse uses the phrase "弾き" - "hajiki", slang for "gun" - to describe his Stand, and Polnareff fires back with "おはじき" - "ohajiki", which is a children's game where you flick little marbles around (often translated as "tiddlywinks", a Victorian board game). I've seen other translations go for something along the lines of, "My Stand can shoot you" then "Oh, you've got a pea-shooter?", but most official sources have stuck with a Gun->Bum type gag for English.

Polnareff: Wa-hahahahahahahahahaha!!
Hol Horse: Hee hee hee... Hahahahahahahahaha!!
Polnareff: Waaaahahahahahahahahaha!!
Hol Horse: Pfffffthahahahahahahaha!! Gyahahahaha! Hee hee hee hee hee!! Ga-hahahahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahaha... haaa...

Polnareff: ! ...His Stand is a gun!?
Cascada: HE'S BEEN SAYING THAT THE WHOLE TIME DUDE

Jokes aside, Hol Horse is a fan favorite largely due to this. We've got birdmen that shoot fire, punch-ghosts, evil fishmen, cargo ships, and Hol Horse's super special power is... a gun. That's it. It's not even a laser arm cannon.

Hol Horse: (grin)

Cascada: Polnareff!

Cascada shoves him out of the bullet's trajectory!

Going with Polnareff pumps his FP by a hefty 3 points, putting him at the 10 FP threshold we were explicitly trying to avoid. Oops... though it shouldn't matter for much longer...

Cascada: Yes, with your sister's killer. But that's a different guy!
Polnareff: Tch! I don't need your help!

Quicksilver doesn't get too many unique interactions (the weaker player Stands tend to get more, and you've seen by now Quicksilver is a powerhouse), so I definitely wanted to show off this one. Also glad to get a bit more validation that Cascada is in fact kind of a little shit.

Cascada: A Stand... in the puddle!?
Kakyoin: The bullet!!

Shit.

Polnareff: That's what she gets for trying to tell people what to do... Serves her right.
Kakyoin: ! ...What did you just say!?

Another typo spotted.

Polnareff: That's why I wanted to go alone... Because of people like her.
Kakyoin: How could you say that!? She saved you!
Polnareff: What a nuisance. Making me watch her die like this... What a goddamn nuisance!

We only just became close enough for him to start calling Cascada "The Machine". Too soon.

Hol Horse: D-damn it, J. Geil! You can't just do as you please! A-and you! How could you take a girl along with you on a dangerous journey like this!? This was bound to happen!
Kakyoin: Polnareff! Don't step into their trap. Do you still not understand? What Abdul told you... You can't fight them alone. You ignored him and went anyway... And now you're about to do the same thing! You can't go after them at the risk of your own life, Polnareff!
Polnareff: What do you expect me to do?
Kakyoin: Cascada came here because she was worried about you. We can't fight blindly... We still don't know how their Stands work! We have to get away!

Polnareff: Son of a...!
Kakyoin: Now, Polnareff!

Polnareff: Aaah, damn it! Where are you!?
Kakyoin: Calm down, Polnareff!

Polnareff: ! ...Bastard!!!!!
Kakyoin: Polnareff, don't let him get to you! He's leading you into his trap!

Hol Horse: Y-yeah... Got it.

Having blasted Polnareff into the truck, Kakyoin jumps in and drives off.

Well, darn. We can't very well continue the game if Cascada's brains are splattered all over the dirt. Guess we better load a save and stay with the group instead.

This way, things proceed according to the manga. Abdul secretly follows Polnareff instead and it plays out mostly the same, just with less "I respect women!!" talk.

Abdul: ...e-every...
Kakyoin: ...d... detail... I'll remember... -sob-

My apologies to everyone who voted for Abdul in the Best Buds poll. I had to maintain my poker face over him being permanently removed from the party in only a few updates.

Rather than being distraught over killing a woman, Hol Horse is hyped to start shooting the rest of the party. We also finally get his catchphrase here. Several people have voiced him over the years, but I always liked Hochu Ohtsuka's delivery in the original version of All-Star Battle.

Kakyoin: Do you really get it now?
Polnareff: Yeah.
Kakyoin: Really?
Polnareff: Yeah!
Kakyoin: Hm.

Kakyoin: Take that instead of a handshake, Polnareff.
Polnareff: Yeah... t-thank you Kakyoin! Blugh...
Kakyoin: Next time they come after us... They'll have to take us both on!
Polnareff: ...But I still don't like this... I definitely stabbed him with my sword... Yet it didn't do a thing! Even if I break the mirror his Stand is reflected in, there's no way to damage the Stand itself... My Stand can't enter the mirror realm! How can I manage a counterattack!? Damn it!
Kakyoin: .......Polnareff. You say "mirror realm"... But this isn't a fantasy novel or a fairy-tale. It's impossible for that to exist.
Polnareff: ...........What do you mean!? You saw him too! He only exists inside of the mirror! When I turned around, he was gone!

Polnareff: You don't need to tell me that! But think about our situation!

Another typo!

Kakyoin: It doesn't exist.
Polnareff: Man, cut me some slack!

This conversation is particularly funny if you have (future) context from JoJo Part 5, which has a villain-of-the-week with the Stand "Man in the Mirror". Its power is... trapping people in the mirror realm.

Kakyoin: There's obviously a trick behind the Hanged Man. If Stands can only be defeated by other Stands... Then he has to have some secret, some weakness... !!

I don't think I've ever seen a car with reflective plating on the steering wheel. That honestly just seems like a bad idea.

Kakyoin: Polnareff! He's in the plating of the steering wheel! He followed us here!

The screen fades out as our panicking heroes crash straight into a brick wall.

Polnareff: Aaaaaaugh!! Chariot!

He slashes the bumper to bits.

Polnareff: I saw him jump from mirror to mirror! It moves by bouncing between reflective surfaces until it reaches us!
Kakyoin: Reflective surfaces...? Then... his Stand works like light!
Polnareff: Kakyoin! If he's in the bumper, he'll try to jump from there to here next! Get away from anything reflective, and remove everything shiny from your clothes! Those buttons have gotta go!

Kakyoin: Ugh... That's just low... First he snuck up on Abdul... And now, knowing we can't harm this kid, he's using him... I'll never forgive this guy!
Polnareff: Tsk tsk, Kakyoin... You said it all wrong! Listen up. When you're fighting a battle for revenge, you're supposed to say...

Kakyoin: We've all seen that movie, Polnareff...
Polnareff: I have no idea what you're talking about!
Polnareff: Sorry about this, kid! I'll buy you a caramel candy later, okay!?

Polnareff: I'm not sure how he does it, but his Stand moves at the speed of light. Normally, I can't cut something that fast with my sword... But if this kid shuts his eyes, he's got only one place to run to... mine! I know his trajectory! Therefore, cutting him...

Polnareff: ......Is child's play!

Polnareff: My name is Jean Pierre Polnareff! We've seen right through your Stand's tricks! Moving from mirror to mirror... Reflection to reflection... It's a Stand of light! It's too fast to attack with my sword normally... But when it moves between surfaces, it's completely defenseless! If I slice it in that split-second of motion, it's history! If not for Kakyoin and Abdul, I might have died never knowing that...

Polnareff: R-rrrgh... You bastard... Cutting up an innocent man...
Kakyoin: How low can you get!? Take this!! Emerald...!

Polnareff: Arrrrrrrrrgghh! J-just get outta here!
Kakyoin: Polnareff! These guys are just innocent bystanders. We can't afford to let them get injured!

No multi-target attacks for us, and J. Geil's hiding out at Long range where it's tough for Polnareff to do optimal damage. Good thing we trained up him on the tanker until he learned a mid-range attack, huh?

Not great, but not bad. How's Kakyoin's ranged damage output looking?

That tutorial book in Japan said to try and gain one level per hub zone! I've just been doing that! It's not my fault!

Defeating J. Geil directly nets you a nice, shiny Badge of Honor. But this is one of my favorite fights in Part 3, so let's see how things work out in the manga.

As a reminder, this is the "win the battle by following the story" command.

Polnareff: You... you son of a bitch!!
Kakyoin: Tsk tsk, Polnareff! You said it all wrong. When taking revenge, you're not supposed to say "son of a bitch"! Follow my lead...

Kakyoin: You will pay with your life!

Kakyoin tosses the coin high into the air!

Polnareff: Ohhh! I see what you're up to, Kakyoin!
Kakyoin: Polnareff! Their gaze is focused on a single point!
Polnareff: In other words, his Hanged Man only has one place to run to! Merci, Kakyoin! He's in their eyes right now! So if I kick up a little dust...

JoJo Part 3 introduced Stands as a concept, and so far most of the battles have been direct contests of power with maybe a smidge of subterfuge. The party beat Dark Blue Moon, Strength, and Devil by punching them real hard. You get the sense Hirohiko Araki was still sort of feeling out the concept and how to make it work.

"Emperor and Hanged Man" is the first battle where the potential of Stands as a storytelling device really clicks. The heroes can't succeed until they figure out both A) how the enemy Stand works and B) how they can use their own tools (Stand-related or not) to counter those abilities. Within that framework, Araki can write a solid back-and-forth as both sides probe at each others' weaknesses.

Then next week we can do it all over again with a brand new weird power. That's shonen battle manga right there; Cursed Techniques, Zanpakuto, Devil Fruits, Quirks... they all trace back to here.

Polnareff: I'll leave the rest to the devil...
Kakyoin: So that's the true Hanged Man... The lowest of the low.

In Japanese, Polnareff refers here to Enma here, aka King Yama or Yan-lo, a mythological figure in Asian cultures who judges the evil after death. If you're around my age, you probably think of the version from Dragon Ball - where he was a big red devil man in a business suit - or Ko("little")-Enma from YuYu Hakusho.

With Polnareff's vengeance complete, we fade to another location. There's still another Stand user out there.

Hol Horse: Now I've got you. You're in no place to be taking a relaxing stroll!

Polnareff: .........
Hol Horse: I've caught up to you, so you might as well react a little! It's the end of your lives! Why not go out in a show of bravery!? C'mon! Show a little backbone! C'mon, Mr. Geil!
Kakyoin: How thoughtful. He's trying to scatter glass around for J. Geil, not realizing he's dead.

Polnareff: Just quit it! He can't hear you... He's busy being tortured in Hell!
Hol Horse: Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk... Come, now! Do you think I'm an idiot? That I'd fall for such an obvious bluff?
Hol Horse: Just what I'd expect from the French!

Another goof; this is meant to be Hol Horse's dialogue. I suppose you could read it as Polnareff mocking him, though.

Hol Horse: Cut the crap, Polnareff. Heh...

Joseph: We heard about Abdul. ...We had to bury him in a shallow grave.
Kakyoin: The coward who stabbed Abdul in the back was J. Geil, but this guy's bullet delivered the killing blow. He'd have survived if he hadn't been stabbed, but... What should we do with this guy?

I guess Abdul seemed pretty confident he could just melt Hol Horse's bullets out of the sky, but "he would have survived getting shot in the head if he wasn't also stabbed in the back" seems a little silly to me.

A woman and a horse run in from offscreen!

Polnareff: God, this woman...! C'mon, let go! What are you thinking!? Jotaro! Kakyoin! What are you doing!? He's getting away!
Jotaro: We're too late.
Polnareff: He's standing right there! Punch him!!
Jotaro: Sounds boring.

Polnareff: Cascada! Shoot him!!
Cascada: Sorry, I ran out of SP killing all the assassins on the way over here and I'm out of Scrap Metal to chew on.
Polnareff: AAAHHHHHHHHH

Polnareff: Hey, don't scream! C'mon, woman!
Joseph: Lay off, Polnareff! You tugged on her arm so hard, she's bleeding... She was just being used. Besides, I don't think he intends to fight us anymore. He didn't attack us, and we don't have time to go after him.

Joseph: Abdul is gone... But we have to move forward. It's been 9 days since we left Japan.
Polnareff: But... revenge! It's my whole thing!
Cascada: Quit being so selfish. Two of the past three fights have been about you.
Kakyoin: I even had to double up with Jotaro!
Jotaro: Yeah, it's Gramps' turn.

Polnareff: Well... So be it! To Egypt we go!

Kakyoin: ......Glad HE'S in a good mood.
Joseph: ...? Did you say something, Polnareff?
Polnareff: Mm? Nah... Maybe it was a fly buzzing around? There are a lot of 'em around here.
Joseph: Yeah, guess so... Hm?

Joseph: Speaking of flies... Looks like I got bitten by something!
Kakyoin: Don't scratch it.
Indian Beauty: ......

Bit of a big one (and lighter on the commentary than I'd like), but I especially wanted to show off some of the optional content here. See you folks next time!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

15 - It's Kolkata now actually

2026-03-20T14:39:29.860Z

(Originally Posted May 31, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we deduced Kakyoin was a fake because he was somehow acting even creepier than usual, then boarded a train to India. Prepare yourself for some more incredibly unflattering depictions of foreign countries from Japan's perspective.

In case you needed a reminder that Joseph is British. Yikes.

I've gotta start addressing all the white people I know with "Fear not, my lily-white friends!" A fair percentage of them are lesbians too so I'd really be getting that bang for my buck.

Abdul: Well, shall we be going? To Calcutta!

Checking my files here and yeah I ain't uploading all these crowd screenshots, sorry. You get the digest version.

Various People in Crowd:

Very Shady Man: Want to convert your dollars? I've got the best rates in town!
Questionable Man: Want some stomach medicine? It's good for you!
Medicine Man: Hello, friends! I've got hash here! Mary-jane! Cheap, quality stuff!
Filthy Man: Need a hotel? I'll show you one!
Oddball: I'll sing for you! Aaaahhh ommmm tooooooohhhh...
Traveling Merchant: Cameras! Watches! Pens! Lighters! Wanna sell? I'll buy it at a high price!
Hippie: Want me to introduce you to a nice girl? Very young! No grannies!
Lost Child: Waaahhh!! Mommyyyy!!
Delivery Boy: Hey, move it! Can't you see I've got eggs to deliver!?
Man Sleeping on Sidewalk: Zzz... Zzz...
Singing Boy: Aaaaahhh... Ohhhhhhh... Somikaaaaiiiinooooooo...
Man Sleeping on Road: Zzz... Zzz...
Child: Baksheesh! Baksheesh! Give me!
Boy: If you don't give me any, you'll go to hell, sir!
Child: Give it to meee!

Tag yourself.

Polnareff: Ewwwww... I just stepped in cow shit!
Kakyoin: Somebody just stole my wallet.
Cascada: I just got pressured into buying something weird...
Joseph: I-I can't stand this any longer! Hey, taxi! Take me to this address!

Beggars:

A: Here! I'll open the door for you, sir! May I have a tip?
B: No, let me do it!
C: I was here first!
All: Give us money! Give us money!

Polnareff: Hey! Don't wipe your nose on me!
Joseph: A-Abdul... Is this really India?

You're pretty alright, Abdul.

It's hub time again! I didn't think about this in the first 7-8 updates but as they become more common my workload has substantially increased!! Oops!!!

Cascada: Sure, seeing as I'll be killing like a hundred of them by the time I get back to the hotel.

PDB / Rohan:

Heh heh... A ghost friend of mine told me about 'em. Apparently, even if you defeat the user, the Stands won't disappear. Thinking that was odd, she tracked down the source. Element of Freedom... That's the name of the Stand! The user is a woman named Alicia, and she's not working for Dio! That's all she knew, but I looked into the matter for myself...
She can change the flames of life into Stand form. Those who are possessed by the Stand can gain its abilities and create more of them. Its goal is to propagate by sapping away the life energy of others... Kind of like sowing seeds. I'm not entirely sure what she's using those Stands for... Maybe she's a member of the group called the Slaves to something-or-other?

There's your explanation for the Burns/Spirits family of enemies. Not necessarily inherently evil or malicious, but easily co-opted by those who are. I guess there are enough assassins targeting us at all times that its only natural the will-o-wisps do too.

Restaurant check time. Alas, I believe Joseph's running food commentary only happens in Hong Kong and Singapore.

Chai just means tea, but this probably is referring to the famous masala chai (the stuff marketed in the west as just "chai") with various spices in it. "Fish Johl" is most likely machher jhol, a spicy fish curry. Shukto is a bitter vegetable curry, and mutton is sheep meat.

Aside, since I'm also guilty of it just now: the term "curry" comes from a Tamil word for "sauce". The British looked at various distinct Indian dishes with sauces or gravies and were content to lump them all together as "curry", which is kind of like if you looked at every single kind of noodle soup in East Asia and lumped them all together as "ramen". Or, if you want a decidedly worse analogy, it's like how your parents looked at all of your different video game consoles but still called them all "Nintendo".

Cascada: ...Steel, is she here? Vins? If you give me that "ohhhh I'm prerecorded" shit...
Steel: ...I'm just a fragment, a memory. I can only tell you what I can sense right now...
Cascada: -sigh- Fine. Hit me.
Steel: So we've finally reached India... About time, eh? ...I'm sure you're exhausted, but I doubt these assassins will provide us ample time to rest. The man with two right hands is somewhere here... And one more... A gunman who seems to have been dropped in the wrong era. Both of them should be formidable opponents. Once you've prepared, meet with everyone in the hotel restaurant.

As if car accidents don't happen in Japan. How else would all the stupid isekai bullshit happen? Bad jokes aside, Shibuya Scramble is a genuinely incredible feat and I have no clue how they manage that shit.

In Singapore everyone was at the hotel, but most maps are going to be more like Hong Kong Harbor where the party is scattered around. Abdul is here right outside the inn.

Abdul: Hello. How's India treating you?
Cascada: That guy earlier sold me something called "Kathmandu Temple Kief" and I'm probably gonna give it a shot later.
Abdul: ...I see...

The encounter table in Calcutta isn't much different from Singapore: Assassins, Murderdolls Lv4, Zombies, Bombs, et cetera. If we hadn't defeated Kate on the Strength ship, there'd be Green Hornets too, but this is the last map they'd appear in.

There are children all over the map who want money. "Yes" gives them 5G (not that 5G), which has a small chance of lowering your bad karma if you accumulated any and will cause them to follow you around the map.

The Calcutta map is divided by a river into two big chunks, and all the Zombie encounters here are confined to under the bridge.

Italian spotted! Sound the alarm!

Oof. A terrible roll for Cascada and Abdul, who both rely on magic damage.

I feel like the R patch must have slowed him down or something, because in all my previous playthroughs I only caught up to Tonio maybe once. This is like the fourth time now.

The will-o-wisps - or, I suppose, Elements of Freedom - are now a full combo platter. They generally still drop to one Thunder Beam from The Machine, and on the off chance something survives then every other party member also has an all-target attack by now. Prime grinding fodder - I get everyone up to at minimum level 18 by the end of the update.

Cascada: Got any Zojirushi?

Useless scrap, you say? Well, if you remember something that I totally forgot about, then you'll realize this is far from being mere useless scrap.

Update 3 said...

Pretend that for every mouthful of food or drink Cascada's had thus far, she's had to also awkwardly feed loose nuts and bolts into the little skull face on her elbow.

A unique interaction, just for us! 500 G isn't quite worth it compared to getting some potions from the vending machine (I don't think you can do this in-battle), but I think it's a cool detail.

We head north to check out the rest of the map's east side.

Colonialism at work. My family travelled a lot while I was a kid and pre-teen and I didn't understand until I was a bit older that it was mostly for mission trips and proselytizing. My brother still does that shit.

yikes

At least the kids are mostly alright. This is some solid advice.

Next door to the church is this building that'd be a weapon shop in any other RPG.

me when I don't take my ADHD meds (also a lot of the time even when I do)

What kind of asshole would pick "No" in a situation like this?

Cascada: Oh, yeah, I can probably do that. One Heat Ray coming up!
Abdul: Forgive me, but I believe this requires finer control than your Stand is capable of.
Cascada: Come on, when have I ever missed a shot?
Abdul: I do not refer to your aim, but the fact your beams are focused towards killing, not cleaning.
Cascada: I mean... I GUESS you have a point...
Abdul: So you just need someone to pinpoint the flame to the impurities, correct?

Cascada: That's Abdul for you!
Cascada: Fixing all his problems by burning them.
Abdul: And you do not?
Cascada: Sometimes I spray them with water like unruly cats.

Always nice to help folks out.

Yep, definitely handmade by a guy who died in 1918.

Tonio took most of our cash, so we can't afford to drop the rest on some dubious medicine. Dubious tomes, on the other hand...

Abdul: Oh, a bookstore! Cascada, would you mind terribly if I were to stop and look for a bit?
Cascada: Yeah, I guess I don't mind...
Abdul: Sorry! Hmmm... There are a lot of interesting ones here...

Abdul: ..........Oh no! I-I'm so sorry, Cascada! I didn't mean to make you wait that long!
Cascada: No, I don't mind one bit. Is that book interesting? You seemed pretty absorbed in it.
Abdul: Oh, interesting doesn't even begin to describe it! I love collecting old books like these. Actually, since we're in India anyway, I'd really like to visit Daryaganj. Maybe I'll come back once we've finished our journey.
Cascada: Daryaganj? Is that a book fair?
Abdul: Yes, a very famous one in Old Delhi. It's a bustling outdoor market where all sorts of rare publications are bought and sold.
Cascada: Wow... Almost sounds like a festival.
Abdul: Yes, it's very exciting! I'll have to show you around someday.
Cascada: Wow, really? I'll be looking forward to it!

Apparently a specific restaurant in Daryaganj also invented several internationally known Indian dishes, including murgh makhani (butter chicken).

Seeing this event with Abdul does in fact add a new item to our inventory.

Cascada is now a Ripple user, and she didn't even need to train under an Italian dandy to get there. Joseph can step right off.

Cascada: I can only blaze it SO OFTEN, dude. Maybe next time.

A block or so north of the bookstore is this building.

Fixing the forge with Abdul means the souvenir shop starts selling the Talwar, which is involved in a particularly insane sidequest that involves beating the game at least three times and getting a random drop from a secret superboss. Even if we could afford it, I've already messed up the earliest requirements on this playthrough.

Upstairs, there's this guy.

Cascada: Hey what do you think would happen if I did my Ripple Breathing while smoking that weed I got?
Abdul: Perhaps we could wait to find out until after our journey is over?
Cascada: Look, if you don't wanna have FUN, just say so.

Cascada: Polnareff, you'd be cool with me smoking this grass with ancient mega-breathing, right?
Polnareff: Err... perhaps ask Mister Joestar...
Abdul: -sigh- I'll head back to the hotel.

Polnareff is already level 18 from cutting about ten thousand evil freight hooks, and he was also last place in the Best Bud Poll. I do his event and then immediately load a save to keep his FP low.

Cascada: They've got books in all kinds of languages.
Polnareff: Oh! T-this book!
Cascada: What is it?
Polnareff: Huh? Oh, er... Nothing! 'Scuse me, sir, but I'll take this one.
Cascada: ? ...Just what kind of book did you buy?

If you ask to see it, Polnareff freaks out and says it's not for kids; stock joke, laugh track, et cetera. I kinda think it's funnier if Cascada simply does not give a shit.

Across the bridge we go.

Cascada: What are your feelings on me mega-smoking this presumably cannabis-based product?
Kakyoin: Is that behavior becoming of a lady such as yourself?
Cascada: You're right, it'd be a waste to do it next to a wet blanket.

There are a couple player Stands that could fix this problem. Arm cannon is not one of them, unfortunately.

Cascada: Should I blast him?
Kakyoin: Murder is generally frowned upon in charming foreign cultures such as this. It's one of the many beliefs of the Indian people.
Cascada: jesus christ dude listen to yourself

The other houses on the west side are dimly lit, as noted.

Kakyoin: Though I quite like ripe and aged blossoms myself...

Go back to your own game, Aeris.

Cascada: I'm good with the brass knuckles, thanks.

I'm ambivalent on saying phrases like this in a local language if you don't speak said language. It often strikes me as a bit patronizing, but is it worse to assume they know enough English or whatever to understand you? My father was the kind of person who corrected people on their English and never spoke Cantonese at home, and I just know I'd be totally butchering the random phrases my parents attempted to teach me as a child.

Cascada: Kakyoin! Don't just use me as an excuse to buy flowers from her!
Kakyoin: Sorry! ...But those flowers really suit you.
Cascada: Whatever, at least you're happy...

I go looking for an event that's listed as happening in this bottom corner of the map for a few minutes before realizing it's exclusive to male player characters. Oh well.

Cascada: Kakyoin, do me a favor?
Kakyoin: By all means, Cascada.
Cascada: Give these flowers to someone else and think about why I wanted brass knuckles instead of jewelry.
Kakyoin: -frown-

Time to roll with the Joestars.

Cascada: Weed?
Jotaro: Straight edge for life.
Cascada: And here I thought you cut class to do drugs behind the bleachers and get into fistfights.
Jotaro: I cut class to attend D.A.R.E. meetings...... and get into fistfights.

Here's your hint for how to actually get down under the bridge.

Cascada: Looks like they've got Japanese books too.
Jotaro: ...Hm? This one's about boats.
Cascada: "Ship Structural Analysis & Design"... Looks like a difficult read.

Jotaro: ...Pretty interesting. This'll be good for killing time while we travel.
Cascada: You mean you can understand it?
Jotaro: I like the pretty pictures.
Jotaro: Yeah. It's not that hard once you start to really read it. 300G, huh? I'll take it.

We head back westward.

If you walk down the center of the bridge/road, this car will absolutely crash into you and deal a bunch of damage. If you're with Jotaro or have a couple specific player Stands, this happens instead.

Jotaro: Don't worry, I've got this.
Jotaro: -double-fisting spanners- ORAORAORAORAORA

You can only do this after Jotaro buys his ship book on the east side, so it's pretty easy to miss if you aren't using a guide.

Vaporizing assassins and changing lives.

Cascada: Sure, why not.

Blood!

Jotaro: ! ...It must be a Stand! Ugh... My wrist... It's mummified! It's sucking the water out of our bodies! We'd better defeat this thing, fast!

Black Eyed Peas (which only ever reminds me that Fergie's father was a teacher at my high school for a while) is a bit annoying with its absorbing attacks, but its max HP is low and Cascada is a glass cannon. It doesn't last long.

It has a decent chance of dropping a Black Tree Fruit (20%+40 HP, 20%+25 SP) and you can do this as many times as you can afford it, but I don't bother.

Somewhat early FP check. We're already well past the 30 total FP threshold for unlocking NG+ (the game assumes you're playing a bit more organically and not hitting every event). Jotaro's in the lead from the Yellow Temperance fight and Joseph doesn't have any events in Calcutta (at least not in the route I'm on), so he's lagging behind. We also want to keep Polnareff's FP below 10 for a specific reason later.

I'm writing this update only a bit after the Best Buds Poll ended (though it won't be up for a couple weeks), so I'm a little stumped about how I'm going to handle this going forward. I intend to keep the Joestars and Abdul as even as possible unless some comments really tip the scales, but that's easier said than done.

Cascada: I can handle myself, old timer. I have an arm cannon.
Joseph: I didn't team up with a Nazi in the Mexican desert to blow up an ancient super-vampire to take lip from you, kid.

Joseph: Be careful over there.
Cascada: So, I learned about this Ripple thing... Isn't that what you can do?
Joseph: Ahhh, that brings me back. I suppose India borders Nepal and Tibet, so people might have heard of it around here. And if somebody's going around making zombies, I'll need to stay on my toes!
Cascada: How does it work, exactly?
Joseph: By breathing in the correct rhythm, you can generate ripples through your bloodstream that mimic solar rays and channel your vital energy. It's extremely difficult, even if you've got the knack for it.
Cascada: Okay, cool. So, if you were to - hypothetically of course - smoke some serious drugs with this special breathing...

Joseph: Well, I don't know about smoking, but we snuffed TONS of cocaine during... The War.
Cascada: no wait shit
Joseph: Let me tell you ALL about those days...

Joseph: OH NOOO!!!
Cascada: Oh gosh that looks pretty bad, Mister Joestar. We'd better get you back to the hotel RIGHT AWAY.

Joseph: Does it look infected?
Cascada: You'll be fine... probably. Let's get you patched up and have a nice lunch, alright old timer?

See you next time for a big ol' plot episode!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

14 - The Temperance Movement

2026-03-20T14:40:26.623Z

(Originally Posted May 24, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we explored Singapore, ate a bunch of delicious food, and mercy-killed a zombie infectee. Time to ride the cable cars!

-> Yes
-> No

We flash sideways to Abdul and Joseph's room.

Joseph: But it goes both ways, Dio! We can do the same to him!
Abdul: I'll go buy a camera.
Abdul: AGAIN.

Abdul: Er... come again?
Joseph: Hermit Purple!!

This is a reference to Doraemon, a long-running comedy manga/anime starring the eponymous robot cat. Doraemon's a cultural institution in Japan, akin to Bugs Bunny or Garfield.

Abdul: You're changing the channels... Now what?

Joseph: Spirit channel surfing! Good thing this TV has cable!
TV: There's -- a --
Joseph: Here we go! It said "there's a"...
Abdul: I am standing right here, Mister Joestar.
Joseph: I need to make sure you know EVERY detail!
Abdul: -frown-

TV: There's -- a -- traitor -- in -- your -- midst

TV: Be -- ware -- Ka -- kyo -- in!! They're -- working ---- for ---- Dio!!

Abdul: Is this last week's broadcast?

The channel flips to a man in a shadowed room.

Joseph: Dio!?

Joseph: ...He sensed what we were doing...
Abdul: But... but how!?
Joseph: I told you! There's a link between our bloodline and Jonathan's body!

I wrote "I just told you!" as a joke and then it turned out it was the very next line. Can't all be winners.

Abdul: That can't be true!

He contributed to taking down Tower of Gray. It was mostly Joseph.

Joseph: Say... where is Kakyoin?
Abdul: He's with Jotaro! I think they were out buying tickets to India...

The game lets you hit the Inn's food vendor and the vending machine before starting this next event. I don't really stock up and I end up regretting it.

Jotaro: What a pain... Let's take a break.

You ever think about how wild the coconut is? It can support almost all human needs singlehandedly. You can eat the flesh, squeeze it out for coconut milk and oil, drink the water or let it ferment into alcohol or vinegar, boil the sap into sugar, use the husks as fuel, cut the trees for timber, and they can handle growing in sand with saltwater irrigation.

You can also bang the shells together to make horse noises.

Jotaro: I'll have some. Gimme 4, please.

Kakyoin: It's a waste of time to haggle with bootlicking riff-raff, Jotaro. They can't help but beg for our scraps.
Cascada: Hahaha... 💧 I mean, it looks good, so I don't mind...

One annoying thing about Part 3 in particular is that it portrays almost every incidental character in the various countries the crew visits as either a Wacky Stereotype or outright some kind of crook trying to swindle foreigners. It's only going to get worse from here on, too.

That said, if some rich lily-white asshole was visiting my coconut stand, I would upsell that shit like crazy.

As noted in the previous update, Singapore has restrictive laws and no qualms delivering extreme corporal punishment. It accordingly has some of the lowest crime rates in the world... but it's a Foreign Country so of course some pickpocket is right here.

Jotaro: ...What's up, Kakyoin?

Cascada: What happened?

Jotaro: Kakyoin!

Cascada: Amateurish. Remember what I told you, kid: straight for the nuts.

I believe this is more specifically referred to as a "torture rack" maneuver.

Jotaro: Hey! Quit it, Kakyoin! You'll kill him!
Cascada: You know it's all a work, right Jojo? It's not real?
Jotaro: It IS real! Don't lie to me!!
Kakyoin: This should teach you!
Jotaro: Kakyoin!!

Kakyoin: .........
Jotaro: Damn it, Kakyoin... What's gotten into you?
Kakyoin: That really hurt... That was completely uncalled for. He stole my wallet! Evil people need to be disciplined! Don't you think so too? Jotaroooo?

Cascada: You DID try to kill us just last week.
Kakyoin: You think I remember stupid shit like that? You some kind of memory freak or something? You gonna tell me what day of the week it was when I was born, huh??

Eight years from now these kids are going to fucking love Pokemon.

Jotaro and Cascada walk off, but Kakyoin stays leaning against this palm for a moment.

I know how stories work, we all get it, but just once I wish a character wouldn't say "nah, it's nothing..." when something weird is going on. Even if the kid can't see Stands, she was on the orangutan tanker with the rest of us. She knows some shit is up.

Cascada: Yeah. It's the quickest way to the station.
Kakyoin: Is that so... Oh, we're pretty high up, aren't we? Don't look down...

I'm pretty sure this isn't true no matter how you look at it; the cable car only goes to the Sentosa resort island and back. My main memories of Sentosa involve a hotel room that was infested with ants and really smelled of piss - the concierge said they didn't clean rooms unless a given guest stayed there for more than three days - and the cafeteria serving me a hamburger with a moldy bun, but that was many years ago and I imagine the area is completely redeveloped now.

This is another mostly cosmetic choice that affects a few lines of dialogue. Cascada ain't afraid of no heights.

I guess they did get ice cream after all.

Jotaro: ...Go ahead.
Cascada: What in the ever-living hell are you guys talking about?
Kakyoin: Nothing at all... I just love a nice, young, un-ripe cherry... you know...? We picked one up just recently...
Cascada: ...where was I keeping those brass knuckles...

Of course, Jotaro easily hefts himself back onto the balcony.

Cascada: Kakyoin! What was that for!?
Kakyoin: Hahahahaha... It was a joke, a joke! C'mon, Jotaro!

Kakyoin: They're even better when they're a little dirtier, don't you think? Jotaro? Cascada?
Kakyoin: -chomp- -chew- Well? What's the hold-up?

Jotaro: Ora!
Kakyoin: Blurgh!!

Jotaro: ! What!?!?
Cascada: His face broke open!!
Kakyoin: Hee hee hee... Close, but no cigar... I'm not "possessed" at all...
Jotaro: (That's... not Kakyoin!! ...!?)

Cascada: I knew you were an imposter! Kakyion only goes after MILFs!
Jotaro: Just who are you!? (Is it a Stand? But I was able to punch him with my bare hands... What kind of Stand is this?)

Rubber Soul: Take a good, long look at your right hand, Jotaro! When you punched me with it, part of my Stand attached to you!
Jotaro: !!

Rubber Soul: Let me give you some advice... Don't touch it! It'll stick to your other finger! The same one you use to pick your nose!
Jotaro: (How am I going to pull it out now...)

Jotaro: D-Damn you...! Oraaaa!!

Jotaro: Ngh! It... it burns!
Rubber Soul: Hee hee hee hee...
Jotaro: Damn you!!
Cascada: Jotaro! The gondola's moving!

We could just stay and let Jotaro handle this himself, but at some point that's just not engaging with the premise of the game. Jumping on also gives us a whopping +3 to Jotaro's FP.

He's got a point, considering Quicksilver is a long-range arm cannon. Long-range attacks don't fall off as hard as Short-range, but they're still affected by such things.

Once you hit 10 FP with a character, they start referring to your by your nickname. This ought be amusing going forward.

Cascada: Don't be stupid! I'm not just going to leave you behind! I'm a Stand user too, you know!
Cascada: The 7th, apparently! No idea who No.6 is!
Rubber Soul: Oh? Are you trying to get to me? You'll never take me down with that infantile Stand! Hee hee hee!

Sometimes I worry if my original additions are true to NendoTairiku's intent for the player character or otherwise off-base (especially since I'm typing this not knowing if last update's stuff landed well or at all), but then we get text boxes like this and I feel a little better.

Jotaro: Shoot... We've got no choice! Go get him, The Machine!
Cascada: Roger!

Fuck this guy. Remember those NPCs in Singapore telling us to try running away from fights that seem impossible? They meant Rubber Soul. He's got absurdly high Durability and HP for this point in the game; last week I described Shocking Blue as a difficulty spike, but Rubber Soul has a good 150% of that guy's HP.

He loves to use this move, which sucks both HP and SP from all party members and hits us with the "Digest" status, doing 10%+5 HP damage per turn and halving our Power and Durability.

Star Punch is supposed to be the Defense-bypassing piercing attack. It's that bad.

Even The Machine's elemental laser beams do scratch damage.

Rubber Soul can effectively only be damaged when he takes on the guise of another party member, which changes up his moveset and lowers his Durability from "Impossible" to "Tough".

Helpful, but more to make him lose his turns rather than racking up damage. That Venom Cannon did about 80 damage, and Sun Laser gets up to around 140.

Is anything more annoying than a boss enemy who keeps hitting you with Drain attacks?

I said "What the fuck??" out loud to an empty room when this happened. My RPG rule of thumb is that against mobs I can put off healing until I'm down to 30% HP; against bosses, 50% unless the game indicates they're charging a big nuke attack. That was 79% of Cascada's max HP.

A normal player is meant to hit Escape at this point. But The Machine will continue fighting until her last breath (please ignore that she is K.O.ed right now).

I forgot about this basic skill every character has and spent a solid two minutes sifting through my inventory for a revival item.

The form Rubber Soul takes not only influences his moveset, but the stat-boosting drop you'll get if when you defeat him. Jotaro gets you Speed, Kakyoin gets Durability, Joseph gets SP, and both Abdul and Polnareff get you Power.

I was feeling a little guilty about breezing through other fights. No longer.

I had to .gif this bit because even while reviewing the footage I could feel my own frustration.

I finally land a Damage over Time effect after The Hose failed to cause bleed three times in a row. Remember, they're all percentage based, so even if his Durability is through the roof, he'll still take damage.

Across the whole boss battle, I burn through probably half of my good curatives; the rest restore so little that using them would be a waste of a turn. Picture both characters dropping to low HP and 0 SP, then me spending two to three turns spamming items for maybe one turn of blasting.

I definitely wasn't struggling to stay alive, I was totally just waiting for him to go back to Fake Kakyoin so I could bring the fight full circle. Yeah.

Jotaro: Only the Stand part of you is invincible. Your Stand is slow as molasses, so attacking the other part is a piece of cake...
Jotaro: "Do you understand?"

"Do you understand!?" was Rubber Soul's catchphrase in the manga but I don't believe it actually made it into any of the game's textboxes, so this is a weird vestigial bit.

Jotaro: Oraaaaa!!
Rubber Soul: -cough- Aiyeeeee!! -wheeze- -wheeze- P... please stop! I can't fight anymore... Please stop punching me! I think my nose is broken... My teeth are falling out... And my chin... I'm definitely gonna need stitches! -wheeze-
Rubber Soul: I'll be in the hospital for 2 months at least! Just let me go! I don't care how much money Dio offered me, this isn't worth it!

Rubber Soul: I-I can't disclose that! I have my dignity! Even if you kill me, I... I won't rat out my allies!
Jotaro: I see. You're a good man. Now then...

Cascada: -whispering- Hey, how many tarot cards does that leave?
Jotaro: I dunno. Like, twenty-one? Twenty-two?
Jotaro: I see. So! What are their abilities?
Rubber Soul: I... I don't know! No, really! I-I actually don't know! A Stand isn't something you can just show off to somebody, even your allies! You can't afford to let anyone know your weak points!
Jotaro: ...Bet I could take you, The Machine.
Cascada: Ten paces, maybe. Twenty paces, you'd be in the dirt.

Rubber Soul: His card is the Hanged Man... He's the one who killed your friend's sister, right? I don't know much about him, but I'll tell you... His power has something to do with mirrors! I haven't ever seen it in action, but let me tell you... If he takes him on, Polnareff's toast!
Cascada: So Polnareff's mortal enemy is the Hanged Man...
Jotaro: A Stand that uses mirrors, huh? I wonder what he means...

I always felt like Araki pulled the trigger on this a little too early seeing as it's Polnareff's entire motivation. He's been part of the team for barely four updates and we're already prepping his Fated Adversary to appear next week.

I wouldn't call Cascada a brat, myself. I think this dialogue box is the same even if Jotaro is rolling solo, in which case the runaway girl ends up on the cable car.

Cascada: Ugh...! That was... stupid of me...
Jotaro: The Machine!
Cascada: Damn... cutscene debuff...
Rubber Soul: So what if I lost to you in a fair fight? I can snap this kid's neck like a twig! Heh heh... You ready, shitheel!? It's my turn! I'm so lucky they were here... It's tough being a good guy, isn't it!?
Rubber Soul: Once you're dead, Dio's gonna give me 100 million dollars!! Can you believe it? 100 million, just to fight for five minutes? It's like lasting in the ring with Tyson! I'm on fire today!
Cascada: Ngh...!

I don't think I could last anywhere near five minutes in the ring with Tyson, but I would absolutely give it a shot for 100 million dollars. Hell, I'd split the pot with him if he went easy on me and we'd be good, right?

Jotaro: Lady Luck IS smiling on you... But only because she gave you the chance to get away with just a broken nose!

The sprites are unclear here (not helped by things going differently than in the manga) but Jotaro somehow uses Star Platinum to separate Cascada from Yellow Temperance.

Jotaro: And now you've separated it to go after The Machine... But maybe if your Stand weren't in pieces, you could swallow me or The Machine whole... Close one, huh?
Rubber Soul: Yeeeeeek!! Haha... Just... Just a joke! Just a harmless little joke, Jotaro! J-just having a little fun with ya! Wacky little prank, that's all that was! You didn't... really think I was serious...? C-come on... You can't possibly beat me up more than you already have... right...? I'm heavily injured... My nose is broken... And I'll need stitches... Hahahahahahahahaha...
Rubber Soul: Also, it's my birthday! You wouldn't hit a little birthday boy, would you?

Jotaro: She stayed at the train station when we left.
Abdul: She did say she was meeting her father in Singapore.
Polnareff: Yeah right! She's probably an orphan... Although... It's almost too quiet without her. Don't you think, Jojo?
Jotaro: ............
Kakyoin: Still, to think that a Stand user was able to disguise himself as one of us... I don't like that at all.
Jotaro: He probably made the switch as soon as we left the hotel.

Cascada: Though, in retrospect, even Kakyoin isn't THAT much of a creep.
Jotaro: True...
Kakyoin: -sigh-

Jotaro: Why'd you jump on the cable car with me? Sure, things turned out all right this time, but if you interfere too much you're gonna get hurt.
Cascada: Quit joking around like that! I mean, it all turned out okay, right?

Jotaro: Hm? ...Yeah, sure.
Kakyoin: Thanks!

And, in just the next car over...

See you next time!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

13 - A Fine City

2024-12-31T21:37:16.571Z

(Originally Posted May 17, 2024)

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

The ~~Best Buds poll~~ is over, with Jotaro and Joseph both in the lead at 19 votes and Abdul only just trailing behind with 18. Considering just how close it was, I'll focus on these three while leaving Kakyoin and Polnareff to fend for themselves (that is, I'll still show off their exclusive events, but I'll either load a save after or otherwise ensure they stay out of the running). We can figure it out at a later date, but if you feel really strongly about someone in particular then leave a comment or share explaining your reasoning.

Anyway, last time we blew up a goth, several dozen dolls, and a pervert. It's time to play tourist in Singapore, which is a place that I can't 100% hate because it's where my family's from but also is definitely fucked up in a bunch of ways.

Restaurant check!

Hainanese Chicken Rice is the national dish of Singapore, to the point where in the United States it's often called "Singapore chicken rice". It's essentially poached chicken, but the rice is toasted in the schmaltz and cooked in the stock and gets arguably even more flavorful than the meat. There's a reason it's called "chicken rice" and not just "chicken".

You might think "pepper" in this circumstance is some kind of chili pepper, but it is in fact bog-standard black pepper. A lot of it, toasted with garlic, shrimp paste, and other spices, and cooked down into a sauce used to stir-fry the crab.

Cascada: I shall return for thee, chicken rice.

The Singapore map seems enormous after the Hong Kong ones; it's not actually that much bigger than the first HK map, but constantly going back to the hotel to swap out party members makes it feel larger.

Polnareff is a good 2-3 levels above the rest at this point, so we're going to beeline his events on the south end and then kick him out.

Wicked Masters are still an encounter here and still total assholes. Green Hornets and Lv3 Murderdolls would be around too if we hadn't wasted Kate on the tanker or Joey in the hotel.

Polnareff: Huh? Are you talking to me?

Probably closer to 1000-4000 Sing dollars, depending.

Singapore's biggest stereotype worldwide is this kind of stuff, where they have extremely punitive laws and fines against littering or spitting or graffiti or whatnot. Here's an infamous sign from a Singapore rail station:

Singapore is also infamous for corporal punishment, aka The Cane, which is a whole process designed to be as psychologically demeaning as possible. You're basically stripped naked, bent over, and tied to some kind of frame while a specially trained caning officer hits you full force directly in the ass with a big stick.

This looks like a shitpost, but consider that a government official and a medical officer are also standing in the room. You're supposed to get all the strokes at the same time, but the doctor checks very carefully after each stroke to make sure you're still medically fit to receive the rest. If not, back to the rest of your prison sentence until you're fully recovered at some unclear point in the future, and in the meantime you can't sit or shit properly because there's a bloody bruise across your ass.

...they'll also just fucking kill you. Two people were executed by hanging in 2023 for drug trafficking. What drug? Marijuana.

Cascada: If you didn't keep your clothes in a hobo bindle, this wouldn't happen.
Polnareff: It's a BURLAP SACK and you know it.

If you remember this sprite from Update 9, it's the encounter with a group of three assassins. Now they can spawn in anywhere as a normal battle. It's not rare to end up with two or three nipping at your heels while just wandering around Singapore.

Gotta hit up that konbini.

Cascada: Why not just buy it now?
Polnareff: Well... I forgot my wallet! Heh.
Cascada: You could use a comically large wallet chain like Jotaro.
Polnareff: I'd rather, 'ow you say, break my own legs.

Oh, fine. It's only 100G.

Cascada: I'll just buy it for you. I don't want to make another trip.
Cascada: My planner ALREADY says I have to come back with Jotaro later. Yippee.
Polnareff: Wow, are you sure? I'll have to pay you back when we get to the hotel.
Cascada: Nah, don't worry about it. It's not like it's expensive.
Polnareff: No, I insist! It's the principle of the thing! Here, take this in exchange.

If you're playing as a male character, you get some Ripple-Infused Wine (5%+100 HP and 5%+5 SP for the whole party) instead.

Cascada: ...Rouge? Why did you have this?
Polnareff: Oh, it's a big-ticket item in France now! I was hoping to give it to a cute girl as a present.
Cascada: Choose your next words carefully.
Polnareff: Ah, uh... that's all.

Cascada: 55 points.
Polnareff: ...out of how many?

We can equip it for 50% resistance to Fear, but I'd rather have the Brass Knuckles for now.

On the way back I go into this building for reasons unknown.

You can't, actually, and I wouldn't want the day counter to tick up anyway. On the second floor...

Hope that kid's okay. He's probably having a rough time.

We finally drop off Polnareff to recover from his shampoo escapades.

There is some EXP leak, but I'm not sure precisely how much. Polnareff was level 18, but everyone else is hovering around 15. They all get up to at least 16 by the time we leave.

The Lv3 Murderdolls still mindlessly pace this corner of the hotel, but they no longer pursue you (and they're not out in the overworld). Decent grinding fodder if you need it.

Jotaro: Oi, Cascada. I need to go to the 7-11.
Cascada: -sigh- Yeah, alright.

Backtracking because I feel like I need to show everything off rather than letting the game unfold organically wooooo

Cascada: Roger. I'll just wait here.
Cascada: I sure hope someone doesn't run directly into my outstretched fist and give me their wallet to apologize.

Cascada: What? I'm waiting on a friend right now.
Cascada: Also, I'm still in high school. ALSO also, I have an arm cannon.

Cascada: I'm seriously telling you this for your own good. I nearly killed a Frenchman with this very hand.

Cascada: I did just get a Venom Cannon and I'm itching to try it out.

Cascada: Fine. I can downshift to The Hose. Heat Ray AT MINIMUM.

Jotaro: I guess you could be working for Dio... Nah, you look way too pathetic. I'll go easy on you.

This is of course meant to be Jotaro punching him, but we all know the truth. This hooligan is nothing but carbon now. The Machine will not abide.

South of the 7-11, at the south-east (bottom right) corner of the map...

Yeah, it's not actually that impressive, though these days you can see the comically fancy Marina Bay Sands hotel across the water.

The kid does his best.

Jotaro: They're actuall-
Cascada: Don't tell them. A boy has the right to dream.

See the whole shpiel above. Singapore also has no qualms about prosecuting foreign nationals if they feel like it.

This is priming you for the next story boss, who might be straight up impossible if you haven't been levelling up.

Considering its proximity to the cable car station, this is probably meant to be the HarbourFront Centre, formerly known as the World Trade Centre. It was definitely open by 1988 (though the cable car didn't go there until the early 00s) but maybe we're just here really early in the morning.

Around here is where I completely forget to have any logical map progression because I'm going back and forth from the hotel so often. The hotel is sort of center-top, and this next screenshot is a block or so west (left) of that.

Unfortunately, we do not have a healing Stand. Sorry, chief.

Say hello to a new encounter. These are a call-back to JoJo Part 1 (aka Phantom Blood), where Dio used his vampire powers to zombify people into his thralls. They're scattered around the whole map, but always confined to shaded areas. They simply won't follow you into the sun.

They aren't particularly tough (and Cascada has multiple Light element spells like poor ol' forgotten Sunbeam), but they do have an annoying HP drain attack that hits a fair bit harder than you might be expecting.

The 7-11 groper was Jotaro's only event here because he features in the next story segment, so it's time to drop him off at the pool and roll with the next goober.

Both: -groan-
Kakyoin: What? I'm just trying to be chivalrous!
Cascada: Brass knuckles.
Kakyoin: ...I will make my best attempt at toning it down.
Cascada: That's all I'm asking.

We head back outside and down south to the beach, when...

IT'S HIM

Hell yeah. Tonio Trussardi (remember the closed restaurant in the Japan map?) is actually running around somewhere in every map, but he's usually too fast to catch up with. The alleyways have blessed me on this day.

Worth it. You can do this as often as your coffers allow, though it's a random stat each time. You can also buy some great curatives, but I'm too afraid the Hunger Tax will delete them and don't pick any up.

We're in the south-west (bottom left) corner of the map here, and I go to talk to what looks like a normal NPC.

Cascada: One day we're going to find that Joey motherfucker and no amount of Heat Rays will be enough.
Kakyoin: Indeed. He gives us gentlemen a bad name.
Cascada: -sigh-

Cascada: Kopi? What's that?
Kakyoin: Oh, it's Singaporean coffee! They put condensed milk in it, so it's super sweet. Would you like me to buy you a cup?
Cascada: ...fine.
Kakyoin: By the way, Cascada, how do you usually take your coffee?

You know how people in the States go to Starbucks and order some kind of mega-sweet hyper-specific drink that's like five words long and sounds like gibberish? That's how kopi is in Singapore.

Anyway, I usually take my own coffee with cream and sugar (well, artificial sweetener), but I'm not The Machine. Black it is.

Kakyoin: ...Mm. This is really good coffee. Well, shall we be going? Oh no, don't take your wallet out. I'm the one who ordered it in the first place, so let me pay.

If you're playing as a male character, Kakyoin pranks you by ordering the opposite of what you picked. Asshole.

Kakyoin: Shall I prove my manly sense of chivalry by examining those bars for you, Cascada?
Cascada: what the fuck is wrong with you today dude

This guy might as well be named "Difficulty Spike". It's got about twice as much HP as all of Ebony Devil's phases put together and has a bunch of multi-target attacks. The Spirits there are the next step up in the Burns enemy line and can inflict several status effects, but they drop the first turn to a Freeze Ray.

My guide said it's weak to Water and I gotta say, that's bullshit. It is weak to Ice, though.

It's been ages since Quicksilver's high SP costs actually caused problems because it's usually enough to burst things down. I'd nearly forgotten the feeling.

Cascada begrudgingly clocks in to item-dispensing duty while Kakyoin continues blasting. It doesn't take too long.

Cascada: okay listen here you little shit

More seriously, a lot of RPG NPC chatter is basically reverse-psychology advice. Patrick Holleman refers to this phenomenon as "NPC Irony"; if someone says "don't go in that house, it's haunted!" then you as the player know to definitely go in there and be prepared to fight ghost-type enemies.

Shocking Blue is also a chance to get extra FP with whomever you'd like, and Kakyoin was lagging a bit behind. With this and the kopi event, he's back up to speed, and killing a few more zombies and assassins gets him to level 16 quickly enough.

Kakyoin's abilities are all just like, "what if I shot more Emerald Splash" and I think it's funny (aside: Electric-type attacks like Thundershock and Thunderbolt in Pokemon are also just escalating numbers of volts in the original Japanese). Back to the hotel!

Abdul's already at 16, probably because of his solo fight against Polnareff a while back.

North of the Merlion is the cable car station.

Sure are a lot of dogs here, it would be a shame if something happened to them. Good thing Hirohiko Araki doesn't have a track record of brutally killing dogs.

Cascada: Huh? There's something on its mouth...
Abdul: Oh, you mean this muzzle? In Singapore, there's a law that aggressive dogs must wear them.

I think Cascada would absolutely kick a dog, but not without reason.

Abdul: Hahaha... You're quite sensitive, aren't you? But it might hurt itself or other dogs without it, so it's really the most effective way.
Cascada: I see...

Cascada: Mister Joestar?
Abdul: No. An actual dog.
Cascada: Oh, okay.

I do still run around a bit with Abdul out of principle, and we hit up a few of the other buildings in town.

Yeah, that ain't happening. I need to leave it for Rohan Kishibe anyway.

The only reason Ubisoft's ill-fated pirate game Skull and Bones hasn't been canned is because they made a deal with the Singaporean government to get subsidies for forming a new studio there. They're legally on the hook to employ a certain number of people and release a new IP, and do you really want to mess with the government of a country that hits people with sticks (and much worse)?

There's a little gym in this building.

"Fighting" the sandbag drains your HP and SP every turn, and I believe you have a tiny chance to get stat gains based on how low the numbers get. The EXP sure isn't worth it though, and...

Cascada: Between my Heat Ray and your Crossfire Hurricane, I'm not sure why we thought fighting a sandbag in an enclosed space was a good idea.
Abdul: The whims of fate lead us in strange directions at times, Miss Cascada.

Time to hang out with Party Grandpa!

Here you can see how Joseph's level up curve is a bit steeper than the others. For reference, Kakyoin hits level 16 at 6249 EXP, and Jotaro at 7000.

I corner Tonio one more time for good measure. Spirit is our Magic Attack stat, so this is a nice get.

Joseph's Ripple attacks wreck Zombies, as one might expect; the Ripple was the superpower of choice to fight vampires in Part 1 and Part 2.

Over by the Merlion...

Cascada: Sorry, I haven't...
Joseph: Did you drop it somewhere, Miss?

Joseph: Hmm... I think it's in the woods over there.

Joseph: Heh heh... All in a day's work! Careful not to lose it again, okay?

You can also do this one with Abdul, where he uses his fortune-telling to find it. But enough wandering around.

Food tour! Food tour! Food tour!

Cascada: I'm not sure how well that stuffed panda handled being in a lifeboat on the South China Sea for three days, so I GUESS I should get my sister something else...

By the way, kaya jam is a sweetened coconut spread. Toast with butter and kaya (often dipped into soft-boiled eggs) is a quintessential breakfast item in Singapore. There are a ton of chains that specialize in kaya toast and the kopi we had earlier with Kakyoin.

Joseph: Does this have coconut milk in it!? It's... interesting.

Peranakan food is in the center of a venn diagram of Chinese, Indian, Indonesian, and Malay, so you get combinations that don't quite appear in the same way as any one of those regions. Laksa is a sort of curry noodle soup thickened with tamarind, sambal, and shrimp paste. The only places I can get it around here are each 30 minutes away by car and I wish I had the mental energy to make that drive more often.

Joseph: Oh, I've had something like this in Japan... Oden, I think? It has a mild, savory flavor.

I was gonna say Joseph was only in Japan for like 48 hours, but considering how much we've scarfed down in Hong Kong and here, I guess him eating oden isn't that much of a stretch.

The main feature of this dish is tofu stuffed with fish paste, though especially in Southeast Asia it's more like anything stuffed with fish paste.

Joseph: Huh, so they eat boiled crab with chili sauce here! It's very hearty... pretty good, too!

To me, this is the iconic dish of Singapore. The crab is stir-fried in a tomato chili sauce and it always comes with a side of steamed or fried buns to mop up after. I haven't eaten it in over 15 years and this fact fills me with sadness.

Joseph: Mmm! This peanut sauce is addictive!

It sure is. No notes.

With our bellies full, we take one final lap around Singapore to make sure nothing was missed. Just outside, we run into someone lurking in the shadows.

What's your deal? Someone's going to confuse you for a zombie if you only hang out in the shade.

Like this guy, for instance. We just gotta investigate this dude off in a weird alleyway.
Joseph: Oh my God! Isn't that...

Utah: ...Uhh... Stay away...

Oh shit.

Cascada: Utah! Don't you recognize me!? I kicked your ass TWICE! We're buddies, aren't we?
Utah: Ugh... can't... settle score...
Joseph: He's already gone, Cascada.

He's not very strong. Never was, but...

Cascada: Not like this!
Joseph: The power of the sun! Overdrive!

Joseph: That... that was a zombie! Don't tell me that Dio...
Cascada: Did Dio do this!? I thought he was in Egypt!
Joseph: That wasn't from a flesh bud... both Kakyoin and Polnareff could walk out in broad daylight! What's going on...?

Someone else lurks just one alleyway over.

We get booted directly back to the title screen. If we capitulate.

Cascada: Lady, I just had to mercy kill a guy twenty feet away from here. You do NOT want to fuck with me right now.

Vins: Human beings are just pawns of fate. Those who go against fate risk upsetting the balance of things... You are not of this world... You're not supposed to be here... I MUST make things right!

Hanoi Rocks is a glass cannon, hitting us hard with slashing attacks and preventing retaliation by inflicting Blind. Vins will either resummon the Spirits hanger-on or use a group Defense buff to shore up her Stand's weaknesses. Re-summoning is definitely the preferred option here, seeing as we can drop the adds with minimal issue.

Like so. Still, this isn't a battle to be taken too lightly. The optional bosses are starting to ramp up.

Vins: Argh!!
Joseph: The Ripple was effective!? Are you a...!?
Cascada: I don't care WHAT this bitch is! Quicksilver!

Vins: Next time we meet, I WILL kill you... Cascada.
Cascada: Same to you... Vins.

Joseph: She got away! Do you know her, Cascada? She did say your name...
Cascada: No, I didn't recognize her... how DID she know my name...?

Our current FP standings at the end of Singapore.

Cascada: Steel... is that who you meant? The one searching for me?
Steel: .........
Cascada: Why am I bothering... you're a "prerecorded message", aren't you...
Steel: Do you remember what I told you? I want to change the future... And you're the only one who can.

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

12 - Child's Play

2024-12-31T21:37:14.104Z

Originally posted May 10, 2024

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Polnareff killed a member of a critically endangered species by running it through with a sword, thus setting us adrift once more upon the sea until a non-ghost ship picked us up and brought us to Singapore.

Polnareff: So this is Singapore...
Kakyoin: It seems a smidge, er, dark...
Joseph: There could still be enemies lying in wait... We should explore in groups of two again. I've handed a memo with all your room numbers to that girl. There could even be enemies in the hotel, so check your room thoroughly before you sleep!

Since he's still at the bottom of the FP ranks (and because I know the plot), we're sticking with Polnareff for the second update in a row. He's not my favorite party member, but a Badge of Honor later (much later) is contingent on him winning an incredibly difficult solo fight, so I'm not complaining.

The "Runaway Girl" straight up didn't have a name until the 2014 anime... where it's never actually spoken, just written in production materials. She's "Merlai Anne", a riff on Singapore's mascot, the Merlion.

Polnareff: So, are Abdul and Monsieur Joestar...
Cascada: Not my business.
Polnareff: Ahem, oui...
Cascada: But we can ask my magic radio if you REALLY want to know.
Polnareff: Pardon, your what?
Steel: So you've finally made it to Singapore. I can sense the presence of Stand users here as well... Be very careful. I feel two Stand users with evil intent in the hotel... And 2 to 3 more in the city itself. You ought to stay away from the shadows of buildings. Lurking within those shadows are fearsome enemies who detest the light...
Polnareff: ......I don't hear anything.
Cascada: steel you son of a bitch

What an oddly specific tutorial message that I'm sure has no bearing on our current situation.

We go to drop off our luggage as our French pal suggested.

It's got a full kitchenette and everything. I think I can count the number of times I've actually used a hotel room's kitchenette on one hand, but I haven't traveled much in the past fifteen years.

Polnareff spots something just a bit off about the room.

Cascada: What's wrong? Is it [INSERT STOCK FRENCH JOKE HERE]?
Polnareff: ...Man. Just when I thought we might get a break for once... All right, come on out!

A goth comes out of the refrigerator! As they oft do!

Cascada: !? How'd he fit in that thing?
Polnareff: You look angry. Why don't you tell me your name before I kill you?

Polnareff: Why do you think? You took out everything in the fridge... and stacked them on the table!

I don't think I've ever taken anything from a hotel room fridge. Presumably some poor employee has to take inventory of each one every day to see if some schmuck is okay paying $5 for a Snickers bar, which seems like it'd be a miserable job.

Cascada: Orangutan.
Polnareff: Whatever!

Polnareff: What's with this guy...?

Polnareff: ! H-he's gone!
Cascada: Polnareff... your foot!

We get a few beeps and boops as Polnareff dials the rest of the squad.

Polnareff: I couldn't tell if he was a threat or not... He was totally incomprehensible. Creepy though... And he got away, damn it!
Abdul: Did he really say that his name was Devo? Devo, the user of the Devil card?
Polnareff: Oui, do you know him?
Abdul: Not at all, but I must keep my tarot checklist up to date. So, the Devil?
Polnareff: As far as I can remember, yes. I may have caught a glimpse of his Stand, too. He cut my leg without me noticing, so be careful! Gimme 5 minutes, and I'll be right with you. Room 1212, right? Call Jotaro and Kakyoin while you're at it!

Cascada: You gonna mention the broken window?
Polnareff: I prefer a cross-breeze while I sleep.

I'm not sure why this line warrants his full portrait. I probably would have at least gone for the bed sheets or my shirt or something, but I'm also not a Stand user or French.

Polnareff: ? ...That's weird. Where's the room key? It was right here a second ago...

Polnareff: Tch, how'd it get under there? It must have gotten knocked over during the fight earlier...

Polnareff: What!? H-how did they...

Polnareff: Auuugh! It's... it's shampoo! Damn it, I can't see!
Cascada: What's going on!? Where's the enemy!?

Polnareff: Help meeee!!!
Cascada: What the fuck is wrong with the beds here!?

Uh oh! An innocent bystander!

Polnareff: Don't come in here! You're in danger!

Polnareff: Get out! I told you, your life is in danger!!
Cascada: Get out!! It's not safe here!

Wellp.

I don't have too many snide comments to add here because sometimes (often) JoJo is insane enough as it is.

Polnareff: It's... It's a doll! this is...!!
Cascada: Ebony Devil!?

Cascada: Not a problem. Time for The Hose.

Polnareff is nominally in the battle here, but he takes several turns to free himself. Otherwise he's a warm body to take hits in Cascada's stead.

...Honestly, you can picture a lot of future fights going exactly like this.

This is a pretty hefty chunk of damage, and it's only his first turn. Around four of these would be enough to KO Cascada.

Ebony Devil's gimmick is that he's a multi-stage boss fight; his stats scale depending on how much damage you've done and he'll basically get a fresh health bar at certain intervals, which is why he doesn't restore any HP in the above gif.

Cascada: You're not only a refrigerator-hiding goth, you're also a creepy pervert!

lol, lmao

This move might actually fuck you up. It does about 35-40 damage to the whole party, which isn't too dire, but it can also paralyze. The game has zero qualms about stunlocking you to death if that's how the dice roll.

By this point, we're actually pretty low on HP and Polnareff has yet to free himself from the bondage-shampoo-bed trap (Devo would be great at Tecmo's Deception). But you know how The Machine rolls by now.

Cascada: Glad you could finally join us, Polnareff.
Polnareff: You see zis hair!? Does it look like I usually get shampoo in my eyes!? I can't deal with that!
Polnareff: I've got something to ask you. I'm looking for a man with two right hands... Tell me his Stand's power!

Cascada: ...you DID explain your whole Stand to Abdul and I DID kick your ass immediately afterwards...
Polnareff: TAIS-TOI!

Cascada: it's true though
Polnareff: Fine!! You want more!?

Cascada: ...and that's why you always go for the nuts, kid. Give 'em a kick to the genitals.

Cascada: Jotaro can wait, I haven't even had a chance to explore Singapore yet.
Steel: A Stand who can strengthen itself using the power of curses... What a terrifying enemy. ...By the way, it seems someone has been searching for you... For what reason, I can't say, but you should be careful. Once you've prepared, talk to the runaway girl in the hotel lobby so you can go and purchase tickets.
Cascada: I haven't been on vacation for even a week and I've almost died a dozen times. This sucks.

We take a bit of time to explore the hotel.

Singapore's barely one degree above the equator, so it's hot and humid there year-long. Every building has the air-con running at full blast so when you take one step outside your glasses instantly fog up.

Cascada: I say bullshit; my Stand covers my hand so there's no way I'd leave prints.
Polnareff: Hey! I'm the real victim here!
Polnareff: I got shampoo squirted in my eyes! It really stung!

Part 6 cameo spotted! Ask him the weather!

I think this is meant to also be a Part 6 cameo, but they're also the wrong color scheme for whom I think it's meant to be. Not sure.

Cascada: Oh yeah? I think Polnareff knows all about that.
Polnareff: -grumble-

One more floor to go.

Cascada: what
Polnareff: I LIKE zis floor! Time for puff-puff!

shit shit shit SHIT

We've gone from floating Matryoshka dolls to high school girls to bunny girls. It seems the user of Murderdolls is a huge creep (who knew?).

At least our adventures with Polnareff on the ship have powered him up enough that he can finish after only a single round of thrusting. The horde of bunny girls is summarily dispatched and we approach the man sitting at the table.

Wonder Festival is a long-running event in Japan for showcasing garage kits and anime figures.

Cascada: I will fucking END you.

Both this dialogue and Ebony Devil's change depending on the order you fight them in. That said, fighting Joey here is totally optional; you don't have to go to the 12th floor at all.

All three Murderdolls get resummoned at the start of every round, and Joey spends his turns either buffing the girls or trying to inflict status effects on the party.

You know, if he gets turns.

And once Joey's below a certain HP threshold...

The fight's as good as done at this point. The Murderdolls all get inflicted with Confuse status on summon and start attacking each other.

But the asshole can still do this! If an enemy changes distance and goes completely offscreen, then too bad for you. Your only choice is to wait until they reappear. Cascada must cease her energy beams and switch to defense for a few turns.

Polnareff: That's how I want to go out... stepped on by a bunny girl...
Cascada: Do you really want to perv out in front of me RIGHT NOW?

Polnareff: Er, perhaps you're right...

Cascada: ......
Polnareff: ......
Cascada: motherfuckingpieceofSHIT

On the bright side, we got a brand new attack!

Venom Cannon is expensive and only has a 75% hit rate, but it'll wreck pretty much any non-boss encounter for the rest of the game.

All the Player Stands are frontloaded as hell; I'm not just saying that because we're overleveled. Cascada'll only learn two new abilities after this: at level 30 and level 45.

And here are our current FP standings. Remember, ~~vote in the Best Bud poll (when this goes up, you'll only have a day left)!~~ See you next time for when we actually visit the new enormous hub map!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

11 - Monkey Magic

2024-10-31T22:24:49.919Z

Originally posted May 3, 2024

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, our charter ship got blown up by the captain, who was secretly one of Dio's assassins. After drifting on the waves, a mysterious tanker picked up our life boats...

Joseph: You don't think there's a Stand user here, too, do you?
Cascada: I'm starting to feel like I'll be more surprised if there ISN'T a Stand user somewhere.
Abdul: You need not worry. According to my fortune-telling tarot deck, there are approximately a dozen Stand users left on Earth.
Kakyoin: What about that businessman riding a giant chicken?
Joseph: Or that masked character? Idaho, was it?
Polnareff: Or Madame Cascada herself?
Abdul: Hm... Indeed. It seems the scope of our undertaking may exceed that of the Major Arcana.
Jotaro: That's not it... I was just wondering why there's no one on deck.

Kakyoin: Either way, our food and water supplies are limited. This ship is our only hope.
Abdul: That's true... Still, this calls for some investigation.

Joseph: Now isn't the time for Star Wars references!
Cascada: Kakyoin started it with the "only hope" line!

Joseph: Yet all the systems are functioning without problems somehow...

I was on a ship once that had total power failure in the middle of the night. I remember this mostly because the TV picked up airwaves from Mexico and I was watching Spanish-language Rurouni Kenshin at the time.

Cascada: I'm sorry, a WHAT?

Cascada: Don't dodge the question!

Abdul: It has to be a Stand!
Joseph: Be careful... The user has to be here somewhere! This ship's not here to save us... It's trying to kill us! How many enemies are aboard!? Are they alone!?
Cascada: B-but I didn't see anything resembling a Stand!
Cascada: No arm cannons to be seen!
Abdul: I was closest to the hook, and even I didn't notice anything peculiar...
Polnareff: Maybe they're not on the ship at all!!
Kakyoin: Let me handle this. I'll search the ship with my Hierophant Green!

She kind of has a point. Would you want to hang out with a bunch of muscley dudes who get jumped by assassins every twelve hours?

Joseph: ............There's just one thing you need to know.

I always liked how Joseph kind of slips into Dad Mode when the little scamp gets involved. It's relatively subtle character work, at least compared to a guy getting impaled through the face by a freight hook.

Cascada: What do you have for me, Steel?
Steel: So the ship has sunk... But don't lose heart. Keep going! More importantly... Something's strange about this tanker. I can sense 2 Stand users within it... Be very careful.

Now, this is kind of interesting. One of the selling points of the "R" rework for 7SU was that they removed random encounters. When I last played, the whole ship was an encounter zone. Now, it just has hooks moving back and forth everywhere.

Due to our current FP standings, we'll be hanging out with Polnareff the entire update. I'm writing this a good while in advance to make sure I get quality time with Dragon's Dogma 2, so I don't have any audience input about whom Cascada should be best buds with yet. ~~Please vote in the poll~~ and also comment so I don't feel like I'm screaming into the void.
(Edit from the future: Jotaro won)

Even in older versions of the game, you could examine the hook above the blood puddle here to get a guaranteed encounter. The Ghost Ship is a solid grinding location as a result.

We'll have to ask Abdul for a Viking Funeral later.

Kakyoin is accordingly unavailable as a party member for this segment.

Abdul: It seems there aren't any enemies on the deck.
Joseph: The rest of the crewmembers are taking shelter on the lowest level of the ship. If anything happens, they'll call me by radio.
Jotaro: ................
Polnareff: I knew there'd be a Stand user aboard! You be careful. There's no telling what kind of person they are!
Cascada: You cut me and Abdul like five-hundred times and I sliced your carotid artery open with high-pressure water, so we're even now right? You wanna check this place out?

Polnareff is our Speed-type party member, and accordingly fulfills a sort of DEX-build like niche. He's fast and has a good amount of status-inflicting multi-target attacks just like when he was a boss fight, but he might as well be made of phyllo. Also notable is his Armor Takeoff skill here, which as far as I'm aware is a permanent mode-change ability. Here's a before and after:

He already moves first most of the time and hits plenty hard, so I don't think it's quite worth the hit to his Durability.

These hooks are swinging back and forth so that you could avoid all of them if you had more patience than I. Instead, imagine me getting into somewhere between three and five encounters between every single screenshot because I'm just stomping through everything.

This means I get into substantially more battles than I would have run into with random encounters.

Cascada: Are they smuggling animals or something?
Polnareff: We ARE near Hong Kong...
Cascada: Tone it down, man.

The bridge is, indeed, eerily empty other than this treasure chest.

Polnareff: Truly, the ape is mankind's closest cousin.

Oh, it's been an orangutan this whole time? Glad nobody was in earshot while they were saying "monkey". They'd be banned from the Unseen University for life.

According to RPG logic, we therefore must seek out the thing we were explicitly told not to. Below deck we go!

The treasure chest has an Overdrive SY (3% HP and 20%+60 SP).

The Hydrants can inflict Bind and Propellers can be reasonably dangerous if they use their self-destruct attack, but Polnareff one-shots 99% of the encounters here with multi-target attacks.

Like so. Again, imagine seeing this five times between every other screenshot and you'll get an idea of what playing this is like.

This does heavy physical damage to one enemy. Considering how I hoard items, it'll probably never get used.

The fore of the ship has a row of treasure chests containing two Overdrive SY, a Ripple-Infused Cola (5%+40 HP and 1%+1 SP for the whole party), and an Herb-Infused Drink (flat 80 SP).

Other than the Hydrants, Green Hornets are still buzzing around too. At this point they're truly more of a nuisance than anything else. The chest in the cabin there only has a measly 500G, while fighting things along the way to it probably got me around 250-300. Barely worth it.

Down another deck. There are a few chests here with Ointment and First-Aid Kits, guarded by the usual Hydrant Horde.

I'm not sure what the thing on the right side of the screen is meant to be; I assume some kind of freight crane/pulley. The "green tube" sprite just always makes me think of ninjas sneaking around underwater.

There are two stairwells down to the next deck. This one goes to a treasure room cut off from the rest of the map.

The other chests just have Rations.

Polnareff: Would you, er, care to assist at all, Cascada?
Cascada: -yawning- Nah, looks like you've got it covered. Keep it up.

He was level 12 when we started. He'll be level 15 (and Cascada level 18) by the time we leave. I guess that Badge of Honor wasn't that impressive after all?

Taking the other stairwell leads into the lounge area where the normie crew members are holed up.

Cascada: You're talking a big game for someone staying well out of hook range.

I'm kind of fascinated by varying attitudes towards eating fish. In Japan, it's a protein staple, but they're an island nation where getting fresh fish isn't a big deal. I like fish because growing up it was a welcome reprieve from my mother's usual school-night dinner of unsalted chicken breast, mushy frozen broccoli, and plain steamed rice. Meanwhile, the majority of white people I've met, even those raised coastally, categorically dislike seafood.

The late great Anthony Bourdain infamously said to never order fish on Mondays, because it was probably caught/bought on Friday morning and sat in the fridge all weekend long. Writer Tobias Buckell grew up poor in the Caribbean and said that dinner was usually whatever they'd catch that day, so he associates fish with poverty. But in my mind, fish is at a weird cross-section of more-expensive-than-but-not-as-fancy-as beef.

...This has nothing to do with the Let's Play. Moving on.

The nurse here gives us free full heals without causing the day counter to tick forward, which is the other reason this is a popular grinding spot. But as we leave...

Random chance of getting a random status effect. I guess she's still in training.

Polnareff: Oh dear. Perhaps we should visit the nurse again, and she can kiss all ze hurt away.
Cascada: I thought you French were more into like, maids?
Polnareff: Maids, nurses, police officers... as long as a miniskirt is involved, Chariot's armor is coming OFF.
Cascada: Dude, gross.

Cell key in hand, we go up to release the orangutan for... reasons...?

What did we expect.

In the manga, this is recognizable as the August 1989 issue of Playboy Japan, which is silly because Part 3 takes place in November/December of 1988. Then again, 7SU decided this is summer vacation instead, and these are the kinds of details that nobody should actually give a shit about.

Jotaro still doesn't say shit.

There isn't anything around the rest of the ship. We have to head back down into the lounge, where...

Everyone's dead. With our RPG top-down God cam, we can see that the runaway girl is being accosted in the shower by the creeper orangutan... but Steel said there are two Stand users here. We examine the rest of the bodies.

Polnareff: Ah, she is playing hard to get...
Cascada: Not the time!

We scour the rest of the ship. Can you spot the difference?

Cascada: Lady, if you'd attacked me like this while I was alone in Hong Kong I'd have been done for. Shoulda taken your shot before the Polnareff Incident.
Polnareff: Pardon, the what?
Cascada: Don't worry about it, just give her a taste of the bullshit I had to deal with.

Silver Chariot wipes out all six hornets before any of them have a chance to act. The ones in this boss battle actually have lower HP than normal, but they do more damage and respawn... if they get a chance. Cascada got a new special move last time, remember?

Cascada: *...I'm starting to feel a little bad for you folks. Alright, take your shot.
*

This is a little interesting, because normally the "Insects" status can only be inflicted by one of the player Stands. It halves Speed, lowers accuracy by 20%, and deals 2%+1 HP damage per turn. The Stand in question can also inflict "Swarm" and "Bugs", which do 5% and 7% HP damage, respectively. They can stack with each other, which is one of the best ways to deal with a hidden boss or two.

Accordingly, if you have that Stand, there's a bit of extra dialogue here.

Cascada: Ugh, gross. Alright, that's enough.

...I may have gone too far in a few places.

If you don't defeat Kate here, the Green Hornet encounters stick around for another few maps, slightly stronger and more annoying. This way we get some breathing room and a nice shiny Badge of Honor.

Okay, now we can go kill the ape.

Polnareff: Is this the Stand user!? But why... Why can't I see the Stand? Where is it hiding!?

Polnareff: Could he himself be the Stand...? No, the sailors and the girl could see him... And when I hit him, I felt a Stand user's power! But why can't I see his Stand...? No... Maybe... I'm already looking at it... This freighter is the Stand!

This is a very silly moment, but it helps establish some more guidelines about what Stands can be. Remember, Cascada's arm cannon is a non-canon addition.

Stands like Star Platinum and Hierophant Green are at least vaguely humanoid and each has some kind of special ability useful in a combat situation, like you might expect if you've read any battle manga ever. Next to that, we have Joseph's Hermit Purple, which is just a weird bundle of vines that does "spirit photography"... so Stands don't necessarily have to be human shaped or combat-oriented.

Next up is Tower of Gray, a weird needle beetle, so also not humanoid. Dark Blue Moon is broadly humanoid, but has a whole slate of powers that are all just sort of loosely water-themed rather than a single ability.

And now Strength breaks all the rules we've seen so far. The Stand-user is a fucking orangutan, normies can see and interact with the Stand, and the Stand is huge.

Anyway, Polnareff picked up a new move after cutting down several dozen propellers.

...so, normally, Forever can melt into the wall and become untargetable, forcing you to deal with constantly respawning Hydrants and Propellers every turn until he reappears. Quicksilver hits hard.

Polnareff: I refuse!

Polnareff kills an orangutan with a sword, giving animal rights activists even more ammo against Hirohiko Araki. In the manga, Jotaro does it with the second and final use of Star Finger in the series. Funnily enough, in the older OVA adaptation of Part 3, it is Polnareff who lands the killing blow.

Abdul: What's unbelievable is that that ape was able to cross the ocean with his own Stand... He must've been frighteningly powerful.
Cascada: I dunno, we killed him in about 30 seconds.
Joseph: If we hadn't found out he was the one behind it, we'd have been overpowered for sure.
Polnareff: Monsieur Joestar, we cut down at least fifty hooks, hydrants, and propellers. It was not terribly difficult.
Joseph: The thought that we might meet Stand users even stronger than this one is quite unsettling...
Cascada: Are you even listening?
Jotaro: ...
Cascada: ...
Kakyoin: ...

Joseph: Looks like we're at the mercy of the waves again...
Joseph: A perfect chance for me to tell you more about the good ol' days.
Cascada: God, not again.
Joseph: I didn't cross-dress as a Mexican barfly to sneak into a Nazi encampment during the war to take lip from you, kid.
Polnareff: Did it work? I admit, I cannot picture you in a miniskirt.
Abdul: Have I related the tale about my encounter with Dio to you yet, Monsieur Polnareff?
Polnareff: Oui, after our previous ship exploded. I am still not sure why you had to ACTUALLY scream.
Kakyoin: -sigh-
All: EVERY detail.
Jotaro: Gimme a break... My cigs are all wet.
Polnareff: There's plenty of time to dry 'em out in the sun.
Kakyoin: Guess we just have to pray we make it to Singapore safely...

That's all, folks! Tune in next time for another enormous hub map!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

10 - When the Moon's Reaching Out Stars

2024-10-31T22:24:40.771Z

Originally posted April 26, 2024

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

We're finally through with Hong Kong. Time to sail the great sea.

Fun fact: with certain Stands, you can glitch past the cutscene trigger and talk to those NPCs on the dock for some silly dialogue.

Polnareff: Monsieur Joestar... Pardon my interruption, but I have a question to ask you.
Joseph: ? ...Ask away.
Polnareff: I notice you never take that glove off, even during meals. Now, this may sound odd, but...

Kakyoin: I thought he was going to ask if you had six fingers.
Cascada: Same.
Abdul: I as well.

Joseph: ...It's an old battle wound. It happened about 50 years ago.
Joseph: During...... The War.
Jotaro: WE KNOW, Gramps.
Cascada: I was half-asleep for most of it, but you definitely told that story like three times.
Abdul: ...We are all well aware, Mr. Joestar.
Joseph: Oh I see, you get to tell your "Dio was SO hot" story as many times as you want, but I can't tell MY "teamed up with fascists to save the world" story anymore?
Abdul: Mine is very important for the full context!
Cascada: Even the screaming part?
Abdul: Yes!
Joseph: -sigh-
All: EVERY detail.
Kakyoin: May I remind everyone we're on a time limit to save Jotaro's incredibly attractive mother?
Jotaro: Give me a @#S% break...

Polnareff: ...I do not think I will tell this story often, mes potes.
Joseph: ...My condolences.

Joseph: That definitely sounds like the work of a Stand user...
Polnareff: That's why I've sworn to hunt down and kill that man, so that my sister's soul can finally rest in peace! I swore to exact revenge on him with my Stand... To make him suffer like she did! ...And then, one year ago, I met Dio.
Abdul: Did you find him attr- -mphfh-
Kakyoin: Go on.

Polnareff: I truly believed it was the right thing to do...
Abdul: That was the flesh bud's influence, no doubt. Dio has a knack for exploiting people's vulnerabilities.
Jotaro: Yes... But after hearing your story, it's clear to me that Dio intends to recruit the man with two right hands for his own purposes.
Cascada: He probably didn't send him to kill us right away so he could continue to manipulate Polnareff.
Polnareff: That's exactly why I'm following you to Egypt! I know that finding Dio means finding my sister's killer!

Jotaro: Shut up! Go ask someone else!

Jotaro: ............... 💧
Abdul: I... really don't get this guy. 💧
Kakyoin: He really changes moods on a dime... 💧
Joseph: He thinks with the wrong head... 💧

christ

Kakyoin: We're students. Students should look like students. ...That's my reason.
Cascada: If not for the uniform, I don't think anyone would be able to tell Jotaro's in high school.
Jotaro: Hmph.

I don't know how true this is (and it sounds kind of ridiculous), but I've heard that some schools in Japan mandate that students wear their uniform even while out and about after school.

Kakyoin: The sea breeze is very calming, though... it makes me feel like taking a swim.
Polnareff: I bought some swimsuits just in case! Let's swim later.

Polnareff: Heh heh! Now you're talking!

If you pick "Can't swim", you'll have a bit of trouble down the line. But I suppose having the option at all is kind of neat.

Joseph: What's going on!? I specifically requested that no other passengers be on board!

You can only turn me over to the 1980s Hong Kong cops if it's specifically to Michelle Yeoh and Cynthia Rothrock from Yes, Madam. Great movie.

The kid wriggles free and fucking bails.

Kakyoin: I think he really intends to swim to shore...
Cascada: Good luck with that...
Joseph: What should we do?
Jotaro: Who cares? If he didn't think he could make it, he wouldn't have jumped in.

Come on, Jotaro. People do stupid shit without thinking about the consequences all the time, like starting overambitious Let's Plays of obscure JoJo fangames on social media platforms with uncertain futures.
(Edit from the future: lmao)

Right on cue.

This might be the most unhinged dialogue box in this game so far. I have no idea how they got to that, since the manga and anime just say something like, "and you're a runt, too".

In the manga this thing swims up to them and its dorsal fin is so sharp that it slices the shark clean in half.

Joseph: ...Could this girl... Maybe...
Polnareff: Is she a Stand user?
Kakyoin: She might have lured Jotaro into the water on purpose...
Cascada: She could've been a decoy!

Cascada: Actually, I'm kind of on her side now.
Polnareff: (She's clearly playing dumb. What do we do? Throw her back in?)
Abdul: (Hold on. We're not 100% sure she's the Stand user. We can't just throw her to the sharks.)
Joseph: (But we did a background check on this ship's captain and crew. It has to be her. We've just gotta get her to admit it!)
Abdul: So tell me... How is Dio?
Abdul: Still as alluring as ever?

Polnareff: Hey! Don't play dumb with us!

Kakyoin: Pfft!
Cascada: The 7-11 I went to didn't sell demon blades... what a ripoff...

Abdul: -snrk-
Polnareff: Hehehe...
Jotaro: Heh.

Cascada: Yeaaah... But... If you were the enemy, wouldn't you want us to think you were just a dumb kid?
Joseph: H-hmm... Well...

Joseph: Pardon me, Captain... You did check the backgrounds of all the crewmembers thoroughly, correct?

Get his ass.

Jotaro: Who the hell do you think you are? If you'd just asked nicely, I would've put it out myself... dickhead.
Joseph: Jotaro! How dare you speak to the captain that way!
Jotaro: Hmph! Why should I do that? After all, he's not the captain. He's our Stand user...

Joseph: That's impossible, Jotaro! Think about what you're saying! Captain Tennille is a trusted friend of the Speedwagon Foundation!
Abdul: It's true! There's zero reason to doubt him! Do you have any proof, Jojo!?
Cascada: How about because he's the only person we've met today who has a name?
Polnareff: ...She's got a point.

Polnareff: Y-you're full of shit, Jotaro!
Jotaro: That I am. But it looks like we found an idiot...

Gottem.

Joseph: Jotaro... Why did you suspect the captain in the first place?
Jotaro: I didn't. I planned on pulling that trick on everyone in the crew eventually.
Jotaro: Learned that one from Columbo.

Jotaro consistently has terrible comebacks.

Tennille: I didn't expect this to be a 6-on-1 fight... I'd planned to take you all out individually while in hiding. But nuts to that! It's good this girl snuck aboard... Now I've got a hostage! You wouldn't put an innocent little kid's life in danger, would you!? I'll be taking her into the water with me now... There, even a 6-on-1 is no problem at all. The sea is my Stand's playground!
Jotaro: What makes you think I care?
Tennille: You don't have to care... Your Star Platinum may be fast, but it's nothing compared to my Stand's swimming speed. My Stand can swim faster than any fish in the world! If you wanna compare speeds, you're dead in the water! Ha ha!! So! Ready to head to a watery grave!?

Oh hell yes.

If we can't win in three turns, the ambush is a failure and we move on with business as usual. However, Cascada's training montage in Hong Kong means she has a new trick or two and we get a chance at double-dipping on the boss EXP.

Cascada: I'm running out of one liners for when I oneshot these assholes. Jotaro, say something.
Jotaro: ...You're looking, uh, waterlogged...

Jotaro: The only one headed towards a watery grave... is you. Abdul. Say something.
Abdul: Trying to predict the future in front of a fortune teller?
Polnareff: Talk about getting ahead of yourself!
Jotaro: That's the best you two could come up with?
Abdul: That should be my line, Jojo.
Polnareff: It's a call back to last time! It shows that we're friends now!

Cascada: Looks like the girl's okay... good.
Joseph: ? ...Jotaro? What's the hold-up? Hurry and get her on board.
Jotaro: N... nngh...!
Joseph: What is it, Jotaro!?
Jotaro: D-damnit...!! I'm getting pulled under!
Cascada: !? E-everyone! Look at Star Platinum's arm!

Polnareff: A-aaaaaah!! What are THOSE!?
Abdul: Those are barnacles! They're a kind of sea creature!
Kakyoin: How are they sticking to his Stand!? That shouldn't be possible!
Joseph: Who cares!? We've got to help him! C'mon, let's get him on board, quickly!
Jotaro: Damn it... Looks like he's still able to fight... They must've stuck to me when I punched him... They're multiplying... And they're sapping my energy! At this rate, I'll be pulled in!
Joseph: Jotaro! Pull up your Stand!
Jotaro: I can't! Nnngh... I'm getting sweaty... My grip... is...
Joseph: I said pull up, not pull it out!!

Cascada gets dragged in too! Even though Quicksilver is a Long-range Stand and we fight pretty much exclusively through energy projectiles!

If you elect not to ambush Tennille or don't win the ambush battle, then you don't get pulled in and Jotaro has to handle the next section solo.

Tennille: It's so kind of you to come! This is the world of Dark Blue Moon... The deep blue sea! You really shouldn't have underestimated me... young man! Our Stands can communicate for us... Why don't you talk about how weak I am some more!? Eh? Young maaaannn?
Jotaro: What do you want to be?
Tennille: Huh?
Jotaro: I said... what kind of seafood do you want to be? Sashimi? Fish paste? Ceviche?
Tennille: Fool... You may talk big, but I know exactly what you're thinking! It's "how long can this guy hold his breath? My personal record is about 2 minutes..." Am I right?
Tennille: Heh heh heh! Well, I'll answer that right now... My breath capacity is roughly 3 times that of a normal human! I've been training...
Tennille: I dreamt of something called "blitzball"... The ULTIMATE watersport! And Dio is going to help me make it a reality!
Jotaro: Now I DEFINITELY have to make sure you stay down...
Tennille: MY record is 6 minutes and 21 seconds! Beat that! Oh right... you can't! Heh heh heh! And that's not all! My Dark Blue Moon's flippers are razor sharp and even faster than the ship's propeller! Now take a look at your Stand...

Tennille: Those barnacles are sapping your strength... and they're multiplying fast! Heh heh... trying to swim to the surface? Sorry, not gonna happen!

I forgot how much this guy keeps fucking talking. I wasn't going to bother clipping out his portrait at first but uploading one image is easier than uploading like 30.

Tennille: This whirlpool is filled with my razor sharp scales! If your friends try to jump in and save you, they'll be mincemeat! Now, I know exactly what you're thinking! "There's the eye of the storm... a spot where the whirlpool is still!" You're so cliche!
Tennille: You're thinking, "he's in the center! I can attack him before it sucks me in!" If you think you can still manage a punch, then go ahead! Come at me! Your Stand doesn't even have the strength to swim thanks to those barnacles... Let alone defend against my Stand's water cutters! What do you say to that, young maaan!?
Tennille: I said, young man! There's no need to feel down!
Jotaro: I heard you the first time!

Jotaro: (! ...Cascada. So you were pulled under too... Too bad. Anyway, help me beat the crap out of this guy if you don't want to become a bloated corpse.)

The game does have a save immediately before this whole underwater segment, but it's entirely possible you're going into this fight with only the same Lv9 Jotaro that we started the Harbor with. If you can't win legitimately in 10 turns, the Brainstorm command will end the battle for free, as usual. If we picked "Can't Swim" ten minutes ago, we're inflicted with Confuse status on top of everything else.

In the manga, Jotaro solved this with the first of the two uses of Star Finger across the whole series (and the second is in the immediate next fight). It's his best move for the battle here in the game too.

Dark Blue Moon has about 300 HP and likes to inflict the CantFind condition. His Barnacles do 2%+1 damage every turn and halve our Power, Durability, and Speed, so all things considered Jojo's still putting out respectable damage here.

Barnacles don't halve Spirit - the magic damage stat - and every child knows Water-type Pokemon are weak to Electric-type attacks.

Jotaro: What do you think of my new special move, Cascada?

Cascada: Sorry, were you saying something?
Jotaro: ......Nah.

Cascada: Hey Jojo, I think I just learned a new special move!

I guess with a Stand like Dark Blue Moon, Tennille wouldn't give a shit about being dropped into the middle of the ocean. He probably should have just done this to begin with.

Joseph: There's no use wallowing over it. Let's just be glad the other crewmembers weren't hurt.
Cascada: But how long are we going to be adrift like this...?
Kakyoin: ...We'll just have to pray that help comes soon.

Modern JoJo characters would probably figure out ways to use their Stands to push the lifeboats no problem. I bet Johnny and Gyro could just use the Spin as a propeller or some shit.

Next time, we board a ghost ship.

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

1 - Prologue

2024-09-17T17:37:15.431Z

(originally posted February 20, 2024)

Top | =To Be Continued=>

I am reconstructing this LP from old Cohost posts. Here's hoping it works out.

The first thing we see upon hitting new game is the final boss from The Final Fantasy Legend. Off to hell of a start here.

Just kidding! Everyone's favorite Victorian oil baron, Robert Edward O. Speedwagon, is here to tutorialize. If you ask him to, he'll explain the basic controls, the Badge of Honor system, and Friendship Points, but I can get to those as they become relevant. We can also choose a difficulty level; I'll be playing everything on Normal.

I'm writing this before putting the intro post live. Here's hoping people are actually voting, because this is probably the coolest element of 7SU. Hell, here's hoping I follow through with this in any meaningful capacity.
(...the mouse cursor isn't there much longer)

We fade out, then back in on a salvage ship on the Atlantic Ocean in 1983.

Crane Operator: What are you waiting for? Open it!
Man in Diving Gear: I told you! There's bound to be good stuff here, considering this is where a luxury liner went down 100 years ago...
Bald Man: Who cares?! Just hurry up and open it!!

Bald Man: We'll force it open, then! Hey, you! Grab me a blowtorch!

The men huddle around the oddly coffin-shaped box, utterly clueless of horror tropes. Crane Operator's cousin might've heard of Dracula like, one time at a party. Sounded fake.

Days later...

Investigator: All we've found is an empty container that was left on the deck... It seems to have been forced open with an acetylene torch...
Investigator: ...No clue as to the whereabouts of its former contents. We are requesting that a search team for the lost crewmembers be dispatched ASAP!

I give it a 33 out of 100; "JoJo" and "Adventure" are nowhere to be seen. We encourage you to apply again at next opportunity.

Investigator: The chest is made of reinforced steel, so whatever was in here had to be important...

Investigator A is great at parties.

Inspector B down by the wall - hidden by the text boxes - has vanished during this exchange.

They left the title card in monochrome.

I first played 7SU version 2.5.3, which was fully in Game Boy style black-and-white. There's certainly a charm to the look, and I was originally going to use it for this project, but the siren song of 2.6 R's no random encounters and lowered NG+ requirements simply couldn't be ignored.

I'm getting ahead of myself here, but a weirdly large amount of 7SU's features are gated behind beating the game a certain number of times. That'll show me to start a project with unrealistic scope, I guess.

We fade into what's meant to be an airport gate but kind of looks like a shipping depot instead. I blame the colors. (Eagle eyed readers may spot a couple of non-Part 3 cameos. These are much easier to pick out in the color version, jeez.)

An older man in Indiana Jones cosplay walks in from his plane, greeted by a middle-aged woman.

Holly: Hee hee! How's Mama?
Joseph: She threw a fit! But I told her that it was top-secret Joestar company business... Heh heh!

Meet Joseph Joestar: grandson of Part 1's Jonathan Joestar and himself the protagonist of Part 2. I haven't gotten to JoJoLion or JOJOLands yet, but Joseph probably could claim the most bizarre adventures out of any JoJo.

If memory serves me right, Joseph's day job is some kind of international real estate mogul; it doesn't really ever come up. Point is, he's a mega-rich white business executive who can take a two-month globetrotting vacation whenever he wants and literally fought shoulder-to-shoulder alongside Nazis.

He is also racist towards Japanese people. Primarily Holly's husband, Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Game.

This is meant to be her hugging him.

Joseph: Hey! Knock it off, Holly!
Holly: Don't wanna! I haven't gotten a chance to cuddle with you in ages!

Joseph: H-hey... Quit it!
Holly: Tickle tickle!
Joseph: Noooooooooooo!!

Joseph: Are you sure he mentioned an... evil spirit?
Holly: ...Oh, I can't believe it! My Jotaro!
Holly: It's all true! No one else in the room could see it... But I could! Another arm besides his own... and that gun!
Joseph: Nobody else could see it but you? Have you been experiencing anything similarly... unusual?

Holly: Papa... What am I going to do?
Joseph: Now, now, my darling. Now that Joseph Joestar is here to save the day, there's no cause for alarm!

Last time he was here to save the day, the Earth almost got taken over by ancient vampires, so, I mean. How much worse could it get?

Joseph: Now then, I'd like to meet with our Jotaro face-to-face...

The dark-skinned man sitting off to the side stands up to leave with Joseph and Holly.

Joseph's grandson is in the second-widest jail cell on Earth and provided with dozens of luxuries as part of his rehabilitation. It's an Italian form of penal therapy, based on an experimental prison in Naples.

Warden: If anyone finds out about this, I'll be fired in a heartbeat...!
Joseph: Don't worry. I'll handle my grandson.

Meet the main protagonist of Part 3: Jotaro Kujo, 6-foot-5, 181 pounds of muscle... and 17 years old.

Jonathan was a proper English gentleman full of Justice and Joseph was a consummate trickster, but Part 3 - as the first JoJo arc set contemporaneously - takes cues from the "yankii" / "delinquent" genre that was popular at the time (see also its Weekly Jump comrades Rokudenashi Blues, YuYu Hakusho, and Slam Dunk).

When you think about shonen manga being aimed at boys in the 9-18 age bracket, the recurring theme of protagonists being listless or rebellious teens who nevertheless find purpose in a sport or job uniquely suited to their talents (the talents in question often being Big and Strong) makes a lot of sense. However there's still something deeply comedic to me about Jotaro being introduced shotgunning a Heineken by stabbing the can with a pen in a jail cell.

Jotaro: Piss off.

I was going to make a joke about how this is a poor family dynamic, but I've seen way more poor family dynamics than healthy ones in my life. This probably hovers somewhere around fair-to-good.

Fifteen hours on a plane and this is the thanks he gets. And this is right before Japan Airlines banned smoking on international flights! It must have sucked!

Fun fact: a lot of long-distance plane routes cut northward towards the arctic circle because the diameter of Earth's sphere is simply shorter and therefore more efficient to travel. Some also fly in a straight shot over the North Pole, though this is less common now after Russia cut off their airspace due to their fuckery in Ukraine.

It happens much less over the South Pole, due to poor weather and the fact there are way fewer airports to divert to in case of an emergency.

Joseph: (My... my finger... When did he take that off...?)
Jotaro: See that? Do you finally get it? This is my evil spirit...
Joseph: (Guess the ol' "pull my finger" gag won't work with him... I need new material...)
Jotaro: Don't come any closer... Unless you want to cut short what little time you have left.

Joseph: (I know all about the true nature of that evil spirit of yours, Jotaro... I knew it before I even came here!)
Joseph: (I'd clear up this little mystery for him right now... But...!)

Joseph: Abdul! ...It's your turn...

Joseph steps aside, allowing his heretofore silent cohort to take center stage.

Jotaro: Give up. He looks tough, but just saying he'll get me out isn't going to make it happen. Nothing you can do is going to change my mind. All you're doing is getting on my nerves.

Meet Muhammad Abdul (known as Avdol in more recent versions, but I'll go for consistency here), our third main character. Hirohiko Araki has a penchant for naming things after musicians; he's supposed to be named after Paula Abdul, highly noted solo artist and one of the original judges on American Idol.

Joseph: That's not a problem.
Joseph: He'll learn the hard way that even if he's broken out of prison, society is an even greater prison.

Flames erupt from thin air around Abdul! Spontaneous human combustion claims another victim!

Or not. A spectral man with a bird head appears behind Abdul!

Jotaro: Is that...!?
Joseph: Yes! Abdul has an "evil spirit" just like yours!
Joseph: This "spirit" that obey's Abdul's will is called...

Tutorial battle time!

7SU is a pretty standard turn-based JRPG. Attack is what it sounds like, though its exact properties change from character to character. Stand is for various special abilities (spells) and whatnot. Guard and Item ought be self explanatory if you have ever played an RPG in your life.

Cardiac Massage and Stone Toss are available to every character. The former is a basic revival skill (no need to hoard Phoenix Downs), and the latter is a basic physical attack that works at medium range. Loud Yell cures the Confusion status.

Joseph: At that distance, physical attacks should be the most effective means of damaging him!

Jotaro: .......You're full of shit, Gramps.

Magician's Red wraps tendrils of fire around Jotaro's limbs!

Abdul: Now, Jotaro! Summon your spirit as well!

All Roman centurions were purple-skinned male strippers in loincloths, just so you know.

It shoves Magician's Red away!

Abdul: Gah... -cough- I didn't think you'd be able to manifest it so clearly...
Abdul: However... You fail to grasp even the very basics of Stand combat!
Jotaro: ~~Metal... Gear?~~ Stand... combat?
Joseph: Jotaro! What you thought was an evil spirit is actually a powerful vision created from your own life force! Since it appears beside you, we call it...

Here Joseph explains how ranges work in battle. Every Stand in the game is innately Short, Medium, or Long range; Jotaro's is Short. In general, Short range attacks are going to be the most powerful, but they drop off hard the second an enemy is even in Middle range, let alone Long. Conversely, Long range skills work decently well even at close range, but usually cost quite a bit more SP.

Joseph: Now then... the fight is on!

Jotaro now has the famous Ora-ora punch rush attack in his Stand menu. Unfortunately, with Abdul at Medium range it barely hits harder than a standard attack; something like 5-6 damage. Meanwhile, throwing a pebble...

This is the most annoying element of the battle system in 7SU, because an opponent's distance from you is up entirely to the whims of the RNG. Abdul is meant to get up in your face here so you can beat on him, but he didn't at all when I took this footage.

I fucking lose the tutorial battle. Auspicious beginnings for this project.

Jotaro: I didn't need a tutorial anyway!

Having definitely not gotten his ass beat, Jotaro goes in for the kill... but Avdol dismisses his Stand and turns his back.

Abdul: Mr. Joestar... As you can see, I've gotten him out of the cell.
Jotaro: .........Was this your plan all along?
Abdul: Not quite... I did truly intend to send you to the hospital, but your strength far exceeded my expectations.
Abdul: You were actually rather pathetic, but I'll allow you to save face in front of Mommy. I understand that filial piety is important to to those from the Far East.
Jotaro: ...-grumble-
Jotaro: And what if I hadn't pulled these bars apart? What then?
Abdul: My ability... rather, my Stand is Magician's Red. If it came to it, my flames could easily melt them.

Melting metal doesn't make it poof into steam! It just means now there's molten steel everywhere!

A mother knows. (So does CLAMP.)

Joseph: Hey! The nerve of you, calling your own mother a pain in the ass! Who taught you to speak like that?
Joseph: And you! Don't look so happy about it!

Holly cannot be defeated. She's just so happy her two favorite big boys are finally in the same room together. This is family bonding, right here.

Jotaro: Hey, Gramps! Listen up! There's still something that's bugging me. How do you know so much about my evil sp-...
Jotaro: Rather... How do you know so much about my Stand?

JoJo being a comic for kids, Jotaro immediately switches to using the correct terminology. I always thought it was goofy how - for example - in Digimon, the kids always perfectly remember the name for every single form. I always had to be told shit a few times for it to stick.

Joseph: That's why your Asian father isn't allowed here. No Joestar blood.
Jotaro: How much do I gotta have? One drop?
Joseph: I, well, uh...
Joseph: Take a look at these pictures.

Jotaro: What am I supposed to be looking at?
Joseph: 4 years ago, this metal chest was pulled up from the waters west of Africa.

Joseph: When it was finally discovered, it was empty. Only I know what it contained! The one Abdul and I have been searching for!
Jotaro: When you say "the one", do you mean...
Jotaro: The scattered corpse pieces of a certain saint, reunited?
Joseph: Wrong timeline.

Who exactly is this "Dio", and why is he our mortal enemy? Perhaps you already know, but we'll find out next time...

Top | =To Be Continued=>

#games #lp-7su #anime

that latest covid booster really fucked me up

2024-09-25T21:04:05.262Z

got the usual fever/headache for a day or two, but after that i've gotten some kind of problem where i'm constantly dizzy/swaying. it feels like i'm on a boat or a lightly-turbulent airplane or in the middle of an earthquake or something but during all waking hours. laying down or remaining stationary doesn't help either.

i finally went to urgent care and got the usual "lose weight and lower your blood pressure, it's probably related to that" shpiel, plus like 20 minutes of being lectured about how if i'm this badly affected by the vaccine i shouldn't get them anymore. not feeling great about any of this really. alas.

game awards 2024 random takes

2024-12-13T16:43:11.276Z

writing this while at minimum 5 drinks deep so bear with me. the site's fuckin called "moonshine" you should have expected this kind of bullshit from me.

TAISHO YAKUZA!!!!!! YEAHHHH!!!!!!!

FUMITO UEDA LIVES! AND HE'S DOING MECHA!!! YOOOOOO

okami sequel is officially in "hey what the fuck???" territory. okamiden was kind of whatever so this is a weird get. kamiya returning to capcom is ehhhhhhhhh.

it was funny being the only person in all my friend groups who knew what Solasta was off the top of my head despite not actually playing it. crpg sicko spotted.

elden ring nightreign seems like the equivalent of prey mooncrash. i understand why this exists because elden ring made bamco one bazillion dollars HOWEVER obviously i am ambivalent about the idea of some kind of fuckin multiplayer roguelite using all the elden ring and dark souls assets. that was the nameless king!!! you can't just put him in elden ring!!!!!

metaphor winning best narrative is comical. read my post about metaphor and share it with everyone you know because as far as i know i am the chronologically first person to put up a public post about the game's problems (i obviously write this paragraph with the appropriate amount of irony do not get needlessly upset about my stupid bluster okay?).

seeing a new onimusha brought back old memories of being in singapore and waiting while my parents did laundry in the laundromat as i sat in front of an electronics store in the bottom floor of a mall and watched the intro of onimusha 3 (directed by donnie yen) run on loop. i don't actually care about onimusha but this is a core memory.

don't give a shit about naughty dog. also comically easy to mix up naughty dog, sucker punch, and insomniac

they shoulda got keisuke for the music bit though

announcing a squid game 2 is, well. you know.

take care out there folks, see you again

OOPS I DIDN'T REALIZE IT'D BREAK IN THAT WAY

2024-10-23T17:46:38.596Z

I got an actual domain for the blog (https://obsidianmoonshine.com/) and didn't realize it would break all of the RSS and comments and such. Oops!!

Rather, everything should still be working on the old url (https://obsidian-moonshine.vercel.app/) BUT it doesn't look as nice in the ol' address bar.

Should you choose, you can change over to the New RSS feed with a nicer looking URL. Or don't that's fine too I guess. Bear with me here I've never done this before.

Microblog TOC & Current Thoughts

2024-10-23T17:33:03.723Z

Quick, small posts and things that have yet to be sorted elsewhere.
Perhaps even the category will disappear entirely, it's a bit redundant.

Current Thoughts

i'm a-tired

OOPS I DIDN'T REALIZE IT'D BREAK IN THAT WAY

Not Yet Sorted

that latest covid booster really fucked me up

#index

Review - Witch on the Holy Night

2024-09-17T16:23:35.040Z

(Originally posted March 9, 2023)

Witch on the Holy Night (more colloquially known as Mahoyo, a shortening of its Japanese title Mahoutsukai no Yoru ["Magician's Night"], and not to be confused with those Genshin folks) is a visual novel by the Japanese game company Notes, better known as Type-Moon. It originally released on PC in 2012 exclusively in Japan (as Type-Moon's first all-ages VN), and released worldwide for PS4 and Switch in late 2022 with new voice-over and an English translation, marking the first time a mainline Type-Moon visual novel has been officially translated.

Taking place in the rapidly modernizing Japanese suburb of Misaki in the late 1980s, Mahoyo centers around Aoko Aozaki, a high school girl in training to be a mage. She lives in the mysterious mansion on the hill with Alice Kuonji, her magic teacher and frenemy. While tracking a rival mage who seeks to claim their territory, the girls are accidentally discovered by Soujuuro Shizuki, the most country of bumpkins.

Mage law mandates mystic matters must maintain mystery, meaning it's Aoko's responsibility to take Soujuuro's life, but she is won over by his straightforward earnestness. Against Alice's wishes, Aoko permits him to live with them at the mansion until the invading mage is dealt with, at which point they can erase his memories at their leisure. Anime antics and action ensue.

[
Alice fights with nursery rhymes transformed into magical familiars. It's funny every time.

The plot is somewhere in between "passable" and "good". The original, unpublished blueprint of Mahoyo was written in 1996, inspired by the airing of Neon Genesis Evangelion, and it really shows. Soft-spoken boy cohabitates with feisty girl and chilly girl? It's well-trodden territory for any anime watcher, but thankfully never quite dives into the worse indulgences one might expect, only dipping its toes.

Type-Moon works are primarily known for their action scenes - mostly due to their more accessible animated adaptations - but the bulk of Mahoyo simply explores the daily lives of these characters over a few weeks' time as they learn more about each other. Some of my favorite scenes were side chapters unrelated to the "main" plot, such as the closed circle murder mystery involving the entire cast that's only unlocked after the main story.

The battles can be counted on one hand, and they're comparatively hefty and "produced" as major narrative moments. Mahoyo pulls out all the stops with elaborate, anime-like setpieces impressively cobbled together from static assets. There's no character animation on the scale of what something like Live2D allows, but I don't think I'd want that kind of look, either. The limited character sprites and smattering of bespoke event images are what I think of as the original form of visual novels.

The game doesn't overstay its welcome, but it left me with a bit of that "well, that's it, huh?" feeling. I clocked in at around 15 hours (though I read quickly and often didn't let voice clips finish), and VN databases estimate its word count to be somewhere in the 200k-250k range; a respectable, hefty length for a non-visual novel.

Witch on the Holy Night is a solid, if somewhat slight anime-style visual novel with some cool worldbuilding and polished production values. But, frankly, most people who play it - including myself - aren't doing so because of its own merits. We're playing it because it's a Type-Moon product.

I think that Witch on the Holy Night is potentially the best starting place for the hypothetical someone who's interested in experiencing the works of Type-Moon's Kinoko Nasu. It has a reasonable scope, lays out some basics of the setting's magic, and isn't bogged down by assuming familiarity with previous works. It stands alone as a self-contained story.

Except that last one isn't quite true, is it? When I look at Mahoyo, I can't see it as simply an anime visual novel. I see it as a story starring the important franchise character Aoko Aozaki, detailing how she came to accept her birthright as the wielder of the 5th True Magic, one of the great mysteries around the margins of the setting. I see the locales of Misaki Town and know that one day, Tohno Shiki will meet a particular magician who teaches him the value of life, allowing him to meet, kill, and love a vampire in that very same city.

To my knowledge, Mahoyo takes place the earliest in the shared universe/timeline of Type-Moon works, which has two major metaseries:

Tsukihime ("Moon Princess"), a 2000 adult visual novel about vampires hunting each other in a modern setting, which received a JP-only reboot/remake in 2021. It spawned a 2003 anime as well as a series of fighting games titled Melty Blood, the latest of which - Melty Blood: Type Lumina - released worldwide in 2021.
Fate/stay night, a 2004 adult visual novel about hidden mages in the modern day fighting a proxy war utilizing the spirits of ancient heroes. It spawned an anime media empire which I have previously written about at length elsewhere, including the immensely popular mobile game Fate/Grand Order.

Much has already been said about the rise of shared universes in modern media and ever-rising RPM of the content mill, and I need not repeat capitalism's crimes here, but I can't separate myself from this information. I don't know what someone would think about the game without it, because it's why I was interested in the first place. I wanted that sweet, sweet lore.

This character chart from the late 00s feels comically outdated now.

Type-Moon stuff never gets quite as bad as say, Marvel movies in the ways in which it references past works: it's usually stuff around the edges, one or two shared characters. You get the dopamine hit of saying "oh shit, it's them!" without the shackles of having to read everything, except chasing those aha!-moments means you end up reading everything anyway. It probably has a stupid name on TVTropes that I refuse to look up, but you know that phenomenon where you get really into a thing and consume every morsel that's available, then suddenly there's nothing left? Man, was I feeling that. I was practically frothing at the mouth for more lore crumbs.

When Mahoyo originally released in 2012 in Japan, I was probably around the peak of my investment in the Type-Moon sphere. There was fandom drama over who should or shouldn't fan translate it, whether people were using the right or wrong codified English fan terms for the various Proper Nouns, et cetera. The fan translation never quite materialized, and so Mahoyo became a persistent meme in my brain for the past decade, always drifting only just out of reach.

I'd read summaries, paraphrasing. I had a pretty good idea of the plot and characters and how they fit into everything. But as time passed and Fate/Grand Order ritually sacrificed my attachment to the franchise on the sacred altar known as a roulette table, I made my peace with the fact that it was a niche product, simply something I'd never personally experience. There's tons of untranslated material out there for any number of franchises, after all. I don't need to know everything.

And then... hey, it's here. It's basically just what I'd heard it was. No grand revelations, no deep catharsis. The end.

What a weird feeling.

In 2012, it was an important new installment in a series that I loved, rich with possibility. In the context of 2023's media landscape, Witch on the Holy Night feels... vestigial? It isn't a spinoff about a fan-favorite character like The Case Files of Lord El-Melloi II and the plot isn't relevant to the franchise's gacha cash cow. Even with Tsukihime enjoying renewed interest due to the remake, Aoko herself was only ever a minor character there. There don't appear to be any new works on the horizon deeply informed by this story. It seems an odd choice to finally localize it ten years later.

But, having finally played it for myself, I can tell these are the reasons why it's good. Mahoyo's original form predates all that shit. It's just a novel Kinoko Nasu hammered out because he was inspired to create something. It doesn't need to justify its existence by being connected to other things. Even if it did, Type-Moon wouldn't exist in the same way without it, with all the wild ripple effects on the anime industry that implies. It invisibly supports all the rest, the bottom tip of the iceberg.

Even if it doesn't always feel like it, Witch on the Holy Night is an important work. I'm glad it's out there.

#anime

Review - Tsukihime - A piece of blue glass moon

2024-09-17T16:37:04.697Z

(originally posted August 8, 2024)

If you know something is a remake, are you more or less likely to check it out? Is the novelty or convenience of it being a new release the main draw? Are you less interested because you find the concept of remakes distasteful or more interested because clearly enough people liked it enough that it warrants a remake?

I assume that there are at least thousands of people who played Final Fantasy VII Remake or the various Resident Evil remakes who had not played the original versions. Surely there are those out there who watched the Rebuild of Evangelion movies without seeing the TV version first. Are they thinking about how these are remakes? Does it matter?

If you have experienced the original, it's the obvious point of comparison. If you haven't, I think the question, "was it like this before?" will always be floating somewhere in back of your skull... or maybe that's just me. I'm kind of guy who often seeks out the "original" version of something or looks for earlier works by the same creator. I didn't podcast about the Die Neue These remake of Legend of the Galactic Heroes, I went after the original 1988 OVA... but only after I watched the first season of DNT. Watching Reconguista in G made me want to check out the original Mobile Suit Gundam and everything else directed by Yoshiyuki Tomino.

This mindset is why, after I finished playing the fan translation of the infamous Fate/Stay Night back in the late 00s, I sought out Type-Moon's first visual novel: Tsukihime (月姫, translated as "Moon Princess"). Even back then, I was curious why it deserved a remake.

Tsukihime follows Shiki Tohno, an Ordinary High School Student in the tradition of any number of anime or manga. As a child, Shiki was involved in a life-threatening accident, and upon regaining consciousness acquired an ability called the "Mystic Eyes of Death Perception". These allow him to, well, perceive death, in the form of lines that crisscross the world like cracks in a decayed wall. Cutting along the lines inflicts instant death on anything or anyone. Only a chance encounter with a tee-shirt-and-jeans wearing Magician prevents Shiki from being overwhelmed by his eyes, as she gives him magical glasses that hide the lines from view.

The story picks up ten years later, when Shiki - disowned since the incident and sent to live with distant relatives - is summoned back to the family mansion after the death of his father. As Shiki tries to navigate this new status quo, balancing everyday school life with the strict expectations of his imperious sister Akiha and his own shaky memories, he's captivated by the mysterious foreigner Arcueid Brunestud and stumbles into the supernatural underworld of clashing vampires, reincarnating mages, and artillery-wielding nuns.

As a visual novel, gameplay in Tsukihime consists almost entirely of pushing buttons to advance the text. Occasionally you'll hit a point where Shiki needs to make a decision, prompting you to choose from usually two or three options. Sometimes the choices simply lead to a bit of different dialogue before things proceed as normal, but just as often a wrong choice can be fatal (or worse) for Shiki. These "Bad Ends" lead to out-of-character comedy skits that offer hints to get things back on track.

The original Tsukihime is famously an "eroge" ("erotic game") with explicit sex scenes. The broad arc of the narrative is constructed to facilitate this goal, even as A piece of blue glass moon removes any on-screen happenings. It's certainly no coincidence that a solid half the cast - including characters new to the remake - are pretty anime girls of various stripes who flirt with Shiki in equally varied ways.

This manifests most prominently as "routes", where the entire plot shifts to focus on Shiki's relationship with one character in particular. The original game has routes for the capricious vampire Arcueid; Shiki's dependable upperclassman Ciel; his domineering younger sister Akiha; and one each for the Tohno family's twin maidservants, the softspoken Hisui and the bubbly Kohaku.

This is less of a "choose your own adventure" scenario and closer to reading a whole series of romance novels. The route structure allows the game to explore the cast in various circumstances and (ideally) give each their due diligence as main characters. Later routes can utilize the player's knowledge from earlier ones in their storytelling or offer details that recontextualize what they already know (or thought they knew). And even without the promise of plot twists, sometimes it's just nice to spend more time with the characters.

The "Tsukihime Remake" was announced in 2008 and showed pretty much no signs of life until December 31st, 2020, where it was re-announced with the "A piece of blue glass moon" moniker and a 2021 release date for exclusively Japan. It only just now got a worldwide release in July 2024, making it the second mainline Type-Moon visual novel to get officially translated (the first was Witch on the Holy Night, and Fate/Stay Night will likely be out before this review is).

That's thirteen years for the actual target audience and sixteen for a sicko like me. You know what else took 16 years to materialize? Duke Nukem Forever, the game that everyone dunked on for years as being vaporware. The PS2 was hot and fresh when Tsukihime came out and the Playstation 5 (Five!) came out before the remake did. It was a persistent meme to the point where even other spinoffs like Carnival Phantasm joked about how it wasn't happening. It's almost bizarre to be in a world where it exists.

A piece of blue glass moon adapts the so-called "Near Side" routes - Arcueid's and Ciel's - expanding them to the point that together they're as hefty as the entire original game. The second half (aka the "Far Side" routes), titled The other side of red garden, has no planned release date. The sequel's also slated to include one of the ancient selling points for the remake: the inclusion of a planned but ultimately cut sixth route starring Shiki's ill-fated classmate Satsuki.

As the eponymous Moon Princess and OG Anime White Woman, Arcueid Brunestud had the lion's share of attention in the original game. Both the anime and manga adaptations follow her story route and she even makes a cameo or two in Fate works. Ciel's route comparatively felt like a mere offshoot, maintaining strong elements of Shiki and Arcueid's relationship and consigning Ciel to her lot as a memetic punching bag doomed to play second fiddle.

In Tsukihime -A piece of blue glass moon-, Arcueid's route is now the one that feels a bit perfunctory in comparison. It only truly diverges from the version I remember via introducing new characters, several of whom don't become important until Ciel's route (and some not even then). My understanding is the first route was intentionally constructed to more-or-less line up with cultural memory, and the second was where they could really roll up their sleeves and show what they had cooking.

And damn, do they cook. The remake fleshes out Ciel's route significantly more than I was expecting. By adding several new characters to the cast related to her, the story gains new vectors and opportunities to examine her internality and motivations in greater depth, while still hitting most of the same plot beats as the original. Many of her informed traits become material in ways that weren't financially feasible to depict in 2000.

It's not as if these aspects of Ciel's character didn't exist before, it's that they didn't have the chance to shine. The greater scope of the remake and greater scale of what can be depicted on screen creates room to breathe. Her relationship with Shiki feels more natural when there's simply more raw screentime devoted to how it develops. Ciel's backstory hits harder when the the game fully dramatizes it from multiple angles. It feels like the Near Side of the moon is finally full in a way I didn't realize I was missing.

The open question is naturally how they'll handle the Far Side routes in the future. There's so much work put into Arc and Ciel's two routes that I'm just not sure how Type-Moon intends to flesh out another four to the same extent. The remake's got plenty of old foreshadowing and new characters being set up for the sequel (especially if you know what to look for), and there's clear intent to eventually finish the full remake project, but I can't consider it truly whole until it's all there.

Even with the caveat of the remake being incomplete, what is here is not only a much-appreciated expansion of the original work but a rare big-budget visual novel easily deserving a standalone release. Perhaps even more importantly, it's an affirmation of the work's position and importance after years of relative obscurity within Type-Moon's catalog.

Playing A piece of blue glass moon now, in 2024, what I find most striking is the feeling of it being out of time in a "they just don't make 'em like this anymore" kind of way. For all the new polish, it still plays like an indie visual novel from the turn of the millennium, not bothering to cater to the crowd. It's got a specific flavor of anime spectacle urban fantasy that feels as if it's fallen out of vogue.

You know what a modern Tsukihime would look like? It'd be titled something like "I Got Reincarnated In Another World Where I Killed The Vampire Princess With My Eyes Of Death But She Survived And Became My Lover". Or it'd be some kind of infinite vertical scroll webtoon bullshit where Shiki got a floating RPG stat window with "Skill: Mystic Eyes" on it because dungeons started sprouting up around Tokyo and he becomes The Strongest Hunter. It would be atrocious.

A mere magical-girlfriend action-horror visual novel like Tsukihime feels almost quaint in its comparative lack of audience pandering in favor of self-indulgence. I've been watching Outlaw Star for the first time lately and it gives me a similar feeling of devil-may-care playfulness, as if the creators put in whatever they wanted just because they felt like it. It feels brazen in how few fucks A piece of blue glass moon gives when, for example, Arcueid literally wheels out a whiteboard to draw a bunch of diagrams about how vampires work in the setting. The Bad End "Teach Me, Ciel-Sensei!" comedy skits take a sledgehammer to the tone of the main narrative and I wouldn't have it any other way.

That said, if you're a newcomer and worried about being overwhelmed, this is a great place to start. Type-Moon works have a reputation of being arcane and convoluted, but that's mostly the fault of spinoffs and wiki pages. A piece of blue glass moon is actually pretty focused. It's fundamentally just about some weird teen with fucked-up eyes who finds out his crush is involved in some really ratchet shit and he's gonna help her out because she's got huge cans and makes his eyes bug out like a horny cartoon wolf. Any infodumps or references on the periphery are additions to the main story.

This is one of the great strengths of mainline Type-Moon, I think. The worldbuilding and conflicts feel immense, yet personal. We can spend half of Arcueid's route going up against a vampire so powerful his mere presence burns down entire city blocks, just to be told he was on the wimpier end of the list of "The Twenty-Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors". Are we hunting the rest of them down, gaining power-ups and new allies along the way? Fuck no! That's someone else's problem. We're busy enough with our dumb little corner, because it's this town and these people who are in danger right now.

Compare something like the Persona series, likely Type-Moon's closest aesthetic analogue. It's another anime urban fantasy where teens go to school, fight monsters, and try to score with girls, but the mood is different, more egocentric. It's only natural that the fate of the entire world is in the hands of these high schoolers. Only you are chosen to enter the shadow dimension and prevent the apocalypse. The universe whirls around the blank slate protagonist, keeping the magic and mundane separate to maintain the artifice of reality. None of this is necessarily bad, what I'm trying to communicate is that it's a fundamentally different flavor.

Tsukihime can have Shiki realize that he was always a frog at the bottom of a well, that the world and its dangers were so much deeper and darker than he ever knew. No matter how special his eyes are, he's just a human in a world of mages and monsters. All he - any of us - can do is affect the things in front of him and hope that's enough. Maybe a match in the right spot can spark an inferno, but sometimes what you need to save a soul is just a candle in the dark.

However, A piece of blue glass moon deploys this mood in ways I'm ambivalent about. The original Tsukihime was Type-Moon's first major work, and it set the tone of the studio's output for years. These days the Fate series is the 800-pound gorilla in the room. Grand Order's gravity is inescapable, power creep is inevitable, and they just have so much more money now.

The original Tsukihime simply didn't have the budget to get fancy. A piece of blue glass moon cranks that shit to eleven with meticulously crafted setpieces loaded with bespoke artwork and effects. It's bombastic, it's exciting. You no longer have to just sort of take their word for it that Arcueid is one of the most powerful beings on Earth; you can see it for yourself. If you're curious what a visual novel brings to the table that Just Reading A Book doesn't, it's this kind of big-budget audiovisual intensity.

I guess this is what a remake is supposed to do - hell, this is broadly what I wanted out of A piece of blue glass moon - but I can't help but mourn some of that indie spirit, the feeling of humble origins. The story is no longer set in a small town, but the urban sprawl of the greater Tokyo area. More characters and factions show up, making their moves and cranking the intensity of the conflict. With such spectacular theatrics on display, that "immense-yet-personal" vibe I so value tips further towards "immense". It's improved in all the ways facilitated by better technology and more money, but the air in the room is different. I miss Arcueid's long skirt. The remake can only ever supplement the original, not replace it.

But this is just how it is in our ever-escalating world. Tsukihime -A piece of blue glass moon- goes harder than it needs to because, well... it does need to. Otherwise, it couldn't compete against Jump juggernauts like Jujutsu Kaisen or Demon Slayer, against Evangelion's or Final Fantasy's own reforged legacies, against Fate's own money machine. Sometimes it feels like we can never go back.

I wonder if, like Shiki himself, the core Type-Moon team can see the lines of death, the cracks in the citadel. Fate/Grand Order still makes money hand over fist - it recently made $150 million in one week - but all those who flourish must fall. Putting Tsukihime -A piece of blue glass moon-, Fate/Stay Night, and Fate/Hollow Ataraxia out internationally, even remaking Fate/Extra... If I look at it from the right angle, it strikes me as a metaphorical rebuilding of the company's foundation in preparation for when the tower inevitably collapses.

In my comically overwrought review of the third Heaven's Feel movie, I lamented that F/GO, big budget anime, and various spinoffs had effectively obsoleted the core appeal of the franchise with a facade of pretty lights. But they made a Tsukihime remake. Even if the project isn't complete, they fucking did it. And it's still just a goddamn visual novel like it was, like it should be. It was sobering to play A piece of blue glass moon and think, "Oh right, this is still cool. There's still something here."

They may have built over the buildings where I spent my youth, but they didn't tear them down. They kept that center courtyard. You can still see the crimson sky fade into a deep, dark blue. You can still see the glass moon.

#anime

Review - Signalis

2024-09-17T16:28:17.234Z

(originally posted January 10, 2023)

There was a somewhat viral tweet calling it "the Hollow Knight of PS1 survival horror", I think. Which, lol, but... it is really dang good.

What I Liked

The Vibes

No notes.

Okay, one note. As an alleged creative, I have a lot of anxiety around being too derivative of existing media. This game wears its influences on its sleeve and doesn't give a fuck and makes it all work.

The story

Extremely vague in a way that I don't often enjoy, but did here. In a world where people unironically make lore videos about literally anything (and I'm sure there are plenty for Signalis already), this game is intentionally abstracted to the point where it's practically a fool's exercise to determine what parts are literal and what parts are figurative.

It's short

Like 8 hours. Good length.

What I Didn't Like

My own inability to understand German and Chinese

Nobody to blame but myself here, I guess.

What I'm ambivalent about

The inventory

Six slots is incredibly restrictive, and while having to manage that is core to the gameplay texture, it crosses over into "blatantly tedious" a little too often. Maybe if the flashlight didn't take up a slot?

The secret ending

My understanding is that it requires resources from outside the game to figure out, which seems kind of baffling in a game that literally has a screenshot item that takes up an inventory slot as if it's still on the PS1 where you couldn't simply take your own screenshots at any time.

#games

Review - Sea of Stars

2024-09-17T16:25:28.343Z

(originally posted September 5, 2023)

I am not immune to propaganda. Show me a trailer for an indie JRPG featuring scripted encounters on the field maps, dual techs, and guest tracks by Yasunori Mitsuda, and I'll go "oh, a Chrono Trigger inspired indie JRPG, I sure hope they actually learned the right lessons from the classics" and drop $30 to see if they did.

They didn't. Full spoilers for both Sea of Stars and Chrono Trigger under the break.

I criticized Chained Echoes for being overly derivative of various golden age JRPGs, but to its credit: it feels purposeful in its imitation. It re-uses elements from older games wholecloth, smothering its individual identity under a quilt of influences, but I can appreciate the craftsmanship and intent behind it. It's clearly made from a place of love.

I don't get that vibe from Sea of Stars at all. I complained about some tediously self-aware dialogue in the early hours, and while it only dips down quite that low once or twice more, it colored the entire game with a feeling of self-aggrandizement. In fairness to what I wrote then (and based on a lengthy speech in the hidden Dev Room) it sounds like the devs truly did want to make a JRPG and pay homage to their childhoods. But to me, harsh as it may be, Sea of Stars feels like the devs thought making a JRPG was easy: just copy the greats (specifically, Chrono Trigger), and it'll work out. Based on sales and reviews, it is working out for them, but I'm the freak out here with highly specific ideas about why Chrono Trigger was good and Sea of Stars doesn't seem to agree with my assessment. This inherent friction lasted across the game's entire 30-35 hours.

You play as Zale and Valere, paired Chosen Ones whose innate Sun/Moon powers allow them to do battle against Dwellers, ancient beasts left behind when the villainous Fleshmancer set his sights on this plane of reality. He has since moved on to another world, but Dwellers left unchecked evolve into World Eaters, planar monstrosities that do exactly what it sounds like they do. The Solstice Warriors must hold a never-ending vigil in case previous generations missed a Dweller, battling them when their powers peak during an eclipse.

Joining them is Garl the Warrior Cook, the pair's childhood friend and the only character with anything resembling charisma; Seraï, a masked assassin of mysterious origin; Resh'an, a former companion of The Fleshmancer; and B'st, an amorphous pink cloud with almost no relevance to the plot a-la Chu-Chu from Xenogears.

Battles happen on the field map, like Chrono Trigger, and their main feature is essentially the Break system from Octopath Traveler. When a monster is charging up a special move, they gain "locks" that can only be broken by hitting them with specific types of damage; break them all, and they lose their turn. It's frequently impossible to break all the locks - you simply do not have the action economy to put out that many hits - and so you're usually playing triage regarding which special move you're willing to take to the face.

The battle system also takes a page from Super Mario RPG and includes timed hits and blocks for every attack. Tutorial messages insist to not worry about these and just think of them as bonus damage, but most of your attacks (especially multi-target spells) won't function properly unless you're nailing the timing. You'll often still do some damage, but the number of hits is the most important thing when you're dealing with Locks. There is an accessibility option (purchasable with in-game currency) to make timed hits always land in exchange for lower damage, but that only works for basic attacks.

Only a handful of skills have a message explaining when to push the button, and for the rest? Tough luck, figure it out. It's inconsistent at best and opaque at worst. And I mean literally opaque: because of how the field maps and graphics are constructed, character sprites (especially Seraï) often end up entirely offscreen or covered by other sprites when you're meant to time a press. This wasn't a problem in SMRPG or Mario & Luigi because those had bespoke battle screens with fairly consistent framing for timed hits; the concept isn't very compatible with CT style battles without a way to maintain that consistency.

I legitimately enjoyed the battle system for about the first 30% or so of the game, at which point the startling lack of variety in the battle options began to chafe. Every character has a basic attack, a mere three skills, and a Final Fantasy summon-like Ultimate attack that requires a bar to charge up. There's around a dozen "Combo" moves (read: Dual Techs) across the entire party, but the meter to use them charges so slowly they might as well only exist during boss battles. Your maximum MP caps at around 30 (at the max level, which requires a lot of grinding), skills cost anywhere between 4 and 11, and your potion inventory is limited to 10 items, meaning you're going to almost always rely on basic attacks - which recover 3 MP on a hit - for most battles. Landing a basic attack lets you imbue another basic attack with a character's inherent elemental attribute, which is the only way to break most locks once you're in the mid-game.

Play SMRPG sometime (perhaps the upcoming remake, even) and you'll figure out quick that Timed Hits are cool because if you do them properly it makes battles faster. You aren't trying to get 100 Super Jumps in every single battle because that would be exhausting and slow. Sure, in Chrono Trigger I'm solving 80% of encounters with the same multi-target spells, but that also means they're over in less than a minute. In Sea of Stars, if I mess up an early button press with Moonerang or Venom Flurry, it might not even hit every enemy, which probably means I won't break the locks I need to, which means they'll do their long spell animation. A trash mob battle will probably take two full minutes of me carefully trying to land my timed hits and manage my MP. That shit adds up.

I wouldn't quite go so far as to say Sea of Stars disrespects your time, but a lot of shit adds up. The backgrounds and sprite work are universally great - really beautiful stuff, great animations - but there are tightropes/beams scattered everywhere around the game world, seemingly placed only so you're forced to slow down and look at the backgrounds. From a purely quality of life standpoint, I don't know why you have to hold the button for so long when cooking something, especially if it's a higher-tier restorative. The overworld walk speed is agonizing. The narrative flails in several bizarre directions, only cohering in the broadest possible sense of "we need to beat the bad guy".

Comparatively, Chrono Trigger never stops moving. Your objectives in CT are clearly signposted and make logical sense, even when they string together into longer sequences. To save the world from the Bad Future, we need to defeat the big monster, and we learn the monster was summoned by an evil wizard. To defeat the evil wizard, we need the magic sword, but the sword is broken. To re-forge the sword, we need an ancient material, so off to prehistory we go!

It may sound tedious when written out this way, but the crucial element is that this only takes something like 4 or 5 hours. You're never stuck in any individual location longer than 45-60 minutes, and that's if you stop to grind (which you don't need to). Working at a leisurely pace, you can 100% Chrono Trigger in somewhere between 15 and 20 hours. My most recent playthrough - in which I deliberately walked slowly, grinded out levels, and talked to every NPC for the sake of recording footage - clocked in at about 17.

Sea of Stars doesn't stop introducing new plot elements until the middle of the end credits and makes little effort to tie them together in a cohesive way, instead relying on the inherent fantasy of the setting to smooth over any bumps. For example, take The Sleeper, a massive dragon that once ravaged the world before being sent into an eternal slumber. It explicitly isn't a Dweller, being little more than a curiosity on the overworld map. It bears no relevance to the plot other than as a mid-game side objective to earn the privilege to progress the actual story.

Zale and Valere, despite having speaking roles, do not possess an iota of personality between them; they are generically heroic and valiant and stop at every stage along their quest to help the weak and downtrodden as JRPG Protagonists are wont to do. The idea that Garl should not join them on their dangerous journey - as he is a mere normie - is raised once or twice, but ultimately disregarded due to Garl's endless luck and pluck. He barrels through any possible pathos or character development by simply being the Fun Fat Guy at all times, whether or not the next step follows logically.

No less than three times do the characters visit some kind of Oracle or Seer who reads the future and literally tells them what is going to happen later in the story, sometimes cryptically and sometimes giving explicit instructions. At one point a character awakens from a near-death experience having suddenly gained the knowledge of how to restart the stalled plot, launching into a multi-stage quest that has no logical ties to the party's objective. It's just progression, things happening because something has to happen between points A and B.

Another example: a late game dungeon introduces a race of bird wizards complete with ominous side-flashes to their nefarious scheming atop their evil thrones. They are relevant for only that dungeon, which is broadly just an obstacle in the way of the party's actual objective. I don't understand the intent. Is it supposed to be funny that this guy looks like Necromancer Daffy Duck? If so, why is the story genuinely trying to convince me of the sorrow of their plight and how it relates to the lore (in a way that also isn't relevant to the current events of the plot since it's shit that happened like 10,000 years ago)? How am I meant to react to this? Why is it here, in the final stretch of the story? I was asking these kinds of questions the entire game.

Presumably, the plot is like this because it's trying to imitate JRPGs of the time, which had a reputation for sending you on strings of seemingly random errands to defeat monsters or fetch items. You know what game doesn't do that? Chrono Trigger! The game Sea of Stars is obviously trying to position itself as a successor to!

Is it fair that I criticize the Solstice Warriors for being flat characters when Crono literally does not speak and his party consists of a bunch of genre caricatures? Yes, because CT doesn't try to be more than that. There's no need for wink-wink "did you know you're playing a JRPG? eh, ehhh?? aren't they so wacky with plots that barely make sense bro???" writing in Chrono Trigger because it knows that you know that it knows that you know you're playing a damn JRPG. It's got Akira Toriyama art like Dragon Quest! It says Squaresoft on the cover, those dudes made Final Fantasy!

You're on a roller coaster through time and space! You're here because you want to see knights and robots and cavemen do exactly what knights and robots and cavemen do. Of course Ayla the weirdly sexy cavewoman will say "what is raw-boot? me no understand" after Robo the robot shoots dino-men with his laser beams. It's comedic melodrama, it's operatic in a way that leverages genre familiarity.

Sea of Stars isn't willing to fully commit to this approach, undercutting its own pathos with half-measures and naked imitation. I'd be so much more willing to accept the sudden-yet-inevitable betrayal at the end of the first act if the game didn't then whip around and say "haha, we sure did the thing, huh?" Yeah, I saw. We both clearly know that you're not being clever about it, so why is it in the game?

The answer is usually "because it was in Chrono Trigger", without any examination of what made it work. Like, okay, everybody knows Chrono Trigger is "a good game", but do you know why it's a good game? I could see someone playing it and just thinking, "I don't get it, this is an incredibly generic JRPG," but what you have to understand is that CT is an immaculately constructed generic JRPG. Simply using the same ingredients isn't going to create the same result.

Take the most famous twist of CT: at a critical moment, silent player avatar Crono sacrifices his life to get the rest of the cast to safety, removing him from the party lineup. In the context of 1995, this is a shocking, borderline 4th-wall-breaking twist. Permanent party member death wasn't unheard of - take FFIV or FFV - but the main character? Crono was the mandatory first slot of the party, a jack-of-all-trades mechanical role akin to a DQ Hero. Even though he doesn't have a personality, Crono's consistent presence and the story's inherent melodrama lend a tangible feeling of loss.

Using the power of time travel, the player can undertake a sizeable sidequest to bring Crono back to life, replacing him at the instant of his death with a lifeless doll. He rejoins the party, no longer a mandatory member of the lineup. At this point in the game, you arguably don't even want to bring him along on quests, because he still doesn't have dialogue. Crucially, the entire quest is optional; the first time I played CT, I accidentally did the entire final dungeon (also optional!) first, assuming it was a necessary step.

Sea of Stars tries to do this with Garl. He takes a fatal blow for Zale and Valere then dictates the plot for the next two hours of the game while living on literal Borrowed Time. You journey to an ancient island floating in the sky (sick Chrono Trigger reference bro!) and split the party to pursue multiple objectives in multiple dungeons, culminating in a whole sequence complete with bespoke comic panels of the party mourning their best friend for months offscreen.

This didn't work because I, the player, had no attachment to the character. Garl is the least mechanically useful party member, dealing the same damage type as Valere but without any elemental type to break locks; his heal skill is more expensive than Zale's and his repositioning skill is unnecessary once you have all-target attacks. I dropped him for Seraï at first opportunity and literally never put him back in the main lineup.

Nor do I buy into Zale and Valere's feelings. Protecting Garl is supposed to be one of their main motivations - it's a major scene in the prologue, and leads to an entire dungeon detour in the first act - but they haven't put forth any genuine effort to prevent him from hurling himself into danger's way throughout the game. As noted, he just repeatedly barrels his way through the plot by demanding it continue, even after he's fucking dead.

The true ending of Sea of Stars requires beating the game once, then completing numerous optional objectives which lead to... can you guess? Going back in time, replacing Garl at the instant of his fatal wound with a body double (which means B'st was pretending to be Garl - someone he's never met - during that entire segment, a completely absurd notion), and pulling him back into the present. You do another lengthy sidequest to get an invitation to a fancy restaurant, and then you can fight the true final boss, again, because Garl simply demands it when you get there.

If this CT retread had to be in the game, it would have obviously been better served by Garl being the main player character; go all the way with the imitation. Any vague gesturing the narrative makes towards not having to be The Chosen One to still fight for justice would carry more weight if you weren't playing as the Solstice Warriors, instead scrambling to keep up with them as the worst party member. As things stand, it's just a big ol' reference to a better game, a transparent play for Real Stakes that rings hollow.

An even more egregious example is The Big Thing at the start of Act 3, once the cast finally sets sail upon the eponymous Sea of Stars. Leaving their world of fantasy and magic, they enter a post-apocalyptic sci-fi world, complete with a brief graphics shift into 3D and a full UI overhaul. It's intended to be a shocking twist, a mind-blowing reveal... but it doesn't work, because A) it's a blatant crib of CT, and B) it's all in service to a punchline.

In Chrono Trigger, once the game has fully established the time travel concept by sending you to 600 AD and back (about three hours of gameplay), the party is forced to flee into an unknown time gate. It spits them out to 2300 AD, a wrecked hell world in the depths of a nuclear winter. Here, the party discovers an archive computer recording that sets up their goal for the entire rest of the game: prevent the apocalypse by stopping Lavos, a titanic creature buried deep within the earth.

It's important that this happens at the beginning of the game. You're expecting some form of going to the future to see goofy robots - it's a natural extension of time travel as a plot device - but 2300 AD is a genuine shock in the moment. It serves as a constant reminder of the stakes: this is the bad future, and you're trying to stop it from ever happening. After gallivanting through medieval times, the contrast really works.

In Sea of Stars, you probably aren't expecting to suddenly fight a robot when you're chasing The Fleshmancer across worlds. It's a potentially cool swerve, but what's actually gained by having the final act be in sci-fi land other than some kind of "dang, didn't see that coming" factor? He isn't even actually in control of the robots or anything, he just hides his castle here because... well, it's unclear why, because even once you restore the sun and moon and fight him in the True Ending, he only seems momentarily inconvenienced.

But it sure is a CT reference! And it's also a joke, because your mysterious sometimes-assassin-sometimes-swashbuckler companion Seraï reveals that this is her home world, pulling off her mask to reveal her metallic endoskeleton. You see, she used to be human, but had her soul chewed up and put into this mechanical body. She is a literal Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot.

You know! Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot! Like TVTropes, lol? Wacky JRPG party members!

How do you expect to maintain any investment after that? There's like four more dungeons in sci-fi world - including aforementioned Necromancer Daffy - and I just couldn't give a shit about any of it. The post-apoc stuff doesn't add any stakes, because we already know the Fleshmancer has ruined countless worlds and we're just chasing him to this one in particular because Seraï asked us to (and I guess they want revenge for Garl). I wasn't having fun, I was just annoyed.

I'm baffled. Sea of Stars clearly knows how to outwardly present itself as a quality JRPG. At a glance, the game looks like everything I could want: beautiful artwork, smooth gameplay, fun characters. Something that gets why I fell in love with the genre in the first place, and why I hold up Chrono Trigger as its crown jewel.

But it just isn't that, at least not to me, and that's... I dunno, existentially troubling? Based on the reviews I've seen, I'm clearly in the minority for feeling this way. I do believe the dev team and all of these players also love JRPGs. But if they do, it must be in a way fundamentally different from the way I do, because otherwise I simply don't understand the creative choices in Sea of Stars. I want more than this.

Maybe one day, hopefully sooner than later, we'll get the Disco Elysium of JRPGs, but today sure isn't that day.

Review - I Was a Teenage Exocolonist

2024-09-13T16:36:20.352Z

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1148760/I_Was_a_Teenage_Exocolonist/

Turns out the way to get me to play a roguelite deckbuilder is to make it a life sim where the runs are 5-8 hours long and the cards are tied to the narrative.

In I Was a Teenage Exocolonist, you play as the eponymous teenage exocolonist (who knew?), born on a colony ship bound for the planet "Vertumna". The ship lands when you are age 10 and the game continues until age 20. Each year has various bespoke narrative events and about a dozen "turns" where you can grow your stats and manage your relationships.

Notable narrative events award you a new card, the deck contextualized as your memories. Cards have suits (yellow for social, blue for mental, red for physical), a number value, and possibly an extra effect like "+1 during mental challenges". For skill checks, you draw a hand from your deck and try to beat the goal number with the card slots available. You get extra bonuses from pairs, straights, flushes, et cetera. If you puzzle out the highest possible value with your cards, you get a minor cash reward. If you can't hit the goal, you can take a stress penalty to push through anyway.

It's a solid gameplay loop that carried me through a couple runs before I eventually turned on Debug Mode to skip every card battle and tweak stats to my liking (humans are just human, yeah?). There's also an option to ignore the cards entirely and turn the challenges into straight stat checks, if you're into that.

Of course, I wouldn't have cared about the cards and deckbuilding if not for the narrative context in which they exist. But the writing is... uh. Well. It doesn't really jive with my personal tastes, but I think it would for a lot of people. Another review (positively) describes the game as "queer socialist propaganda", and I can't really disagree with that assessment. I appreciate the game's politics, but not its aesthetic.

The colony is some kind of anti-capitalist, communal child-care, anti-cultural, vegetarian collective. You can change your name, appearance, and pronouns at any time along a spectrum of female-presenting to male-presenting. There are multiple romanceable characters across the LGBTQ+ spectrum and the game lets you date any of them, though that doesn't mean the relationship will always work out. It's better than I expected from a game that puts "you can date a dog-boy" on its Steam page, at least.

This is also a time loop story, which helps contextualize multiple playthroughs and allows you to pick options on later runs that help optimize your new life (a unique narrative strength of video games as a medium that has been insidiously co-opted by the isekai genre). For example, instead of spending several months figuring out a solution to an impending famine, you can guide characters directly to a solution you figured out last time, saving lives and giving you more time to spend patrolling the walls or repairing robots. Figure out someone's likes and dislikes, and those will stay in their character window in the next run.

But with one foot firmly embedded in the Twee Zone, Exocolonist could headline a Wholesome Direct (derogatory). Your menu doesn't have an Achievements section, it has a "Cheevos" section. Vertumna is cast entirely in pastel blues, pinks, and yellows; populated by aliens like "floatcows" and "unisaurs". Every character has a cutesy hippy name that's shortened from a longer word, so you're hanging out with Marz (Marzipan), Kom (Kombucha), Tonin (Melatonin), Seeq (Obsequious), et cetera. The fictional space sport is literally called "sportsball". Un-fucking-bearable.

The game advertises a large number of endings, but it's more of an Obsidian-style modular ending slides thing. Depending on what jobs you picked most often and the status of your relationships, you get some paragraphs about how they all turned out. I played enough to get three different job-related endings and most of the bespoke endings that require more specific sequences of events, and my Steam runtime is listed at about 35 hours. Though, as noted, this was with me using Debug Mode to speed up later runs considerably.

Despite my issues, I'd say enjoyed my time with Exocolonist. While I'd love to see its broad structure applied to an aesthetic I find more personally appealing, its (relative) simplicity compared to the big RPGs I usually play starts the creative gears turning in my head. Whether it's actually realistic or not, games like this and Citizen Sleeper make me wonder if this is something I could do one day, as late a start as it might be.

A thought for another day, perhaps.

Review - Final Profit A Shop RPG

2024-09-17T16:30:29.090Z

(Originally posted November 25, 2023)

I saw a bit of buzz about this going around on some website called, uh... cohost.org. It's not terribly expensive and seems to be a mostly single-dev effort, so I gave it a go and had a decent enough time with it.

Final Profit is a game made in RPG Maker in the broad lineage of Recettear and the like. You play as Queen Mab of the fey, who - when confronted by the encroaching economic power of the intensely corrupt Bureau of Business - decides that the only way to stop them is to go incognito, climb the corporate ladder, and beat them at their own game. (Because, you know, that always works when it comes to capitalism.)

As the newly christened Madama Biz, you start with a tiny shop in a backwater village; work your way up to an emporium in the big city; and eventually get yourself a holdings office on Fake Wall Street where you trade commodities, buy real estate, and speculate on stocks. All for the sake of ~~making profit~~ stopping those vile business types.

Despite its engine, there's no direct combat in Final Profit (though there's certainly violence); your experience points are directly tied to your overall revenue. Thus, rather than by tough monsters or bosses, game progression is gated directly by your level in the early game and eventually by simply how much money you have to throw around regardless of your level. In fact, a late-game NPC will even let you trade out your EXP stores for a certain benefit that I won't spoil.

You do still want to level up, because it increases your HP and MP, of which you're going to need plenty. Various quests around the game world require you to cough up one or the other, and you often need to spend obscene amounts of mana just to stock up your warehouse or activate an upgrade. Queen Mab regenerates mana slowly over time, but you can also charge it up instantly by drinking alcohol (adding to your Alcoholism stat), easily purchasable in bulk from your nearby tavern.

So, like all clicker/idle games (and make no mistake, despite the overworld and sidequests, this is absolutely a clicker game), the game settles into a rhythm of switching between a few game flavors:

Managing your shop and accumulating money
Discovering new products that give you more efficient profit
Spending your money on incremental upgrades to your income stream
Repeat: Eventually you hit the next "tier" of total assets, where you must then effectively start from zero but with a new selection of much more profitable ventures.

Other than the inherent dopamine hit of "number go up", these kinds of games rely heavily on the curiosity value of seeing what kind of silly upgrade will appear next. Final Profit delivers on this by having a decent cast and story to keep you invested. It's nothing amazing, but the tone is whimsical and irreverent without edging into being twee about it (usually). It's willing to tell a bunch of dumb jokes, but when something relatively serious is happening, the storytelling treats those moments respectfully and doesn't undercut itself.

My favorite part of the game by far is the middle chapter where you're trying to build up your emporium. The game keeps new products, quests to improve your current products, quests to recruit new customers, and wacky side adventures coming at a solid pace, along with a looming debt goal to keep you on track. I had a good chuckle the first time I brought the Artist through the shortcut dimension or encountered a certain avian character.

_{(Aside: I do have to shout out the mini-chapter with an investigation that takes place entirely on a train moving from one city to the other, which is one of my weird pet favorite tropes ever since I played Paper Mario 2)}

As for the main narrative, it's mostly about whether or not Madama Biz can actually participate in capitalism without succumbing to its worst impulses. Nearly every choice in the game boils down to either doing something that's morally good but negatively impacts your profit margin, or something that's morally negligent-to-actively-evil for the sake of bigger gains. This is mostly in favor of letting the game proffer its core fantasy of letting you be a good capitalist, and I'm a bit torn on how it all shakes out.

Like, okay, we all know that moral choice systems are often bullshit. Possibly the most infamous example that highlights my point is Bioshock, where you could either kill children for more magic currency or spare them for warm-and-fuzzies but a smaller reward... except you would get special care packages after certain spare thresholds demonstrably better than if you just killed all of them. Thus, it's a non-choice.

I tried to be Nice at every possible opportunity in Final Profit, and you know what? It did affect my profit margins. The game was very clear that, for example, I could either stock a product for 128g apiece or accept a favorable discount for 100g apiece that might negatively affect the supplier down the line. By the time you hit the next "tier", this difference might as well be negligible, but it's nothing to sneeze at in the moment. The problem is it eventually starts to feel like you're just making things take longer for the sake of not seeing a sad face in the dialogue window, and boy do things start to take a long time.

I'm a little too aware of my ADHD brain now to get as taken in by clicker/idle games as I once was. If you give me two dozen upgrades that will each take a good 15-20 minutes to save up for and will each improve my income by like 1-10%, then fuck it. I will open Cheat Engine or a save editor and crank up my money or product stock to avoid having to wait around spinning plates indefinitely. So sue me.

Getting back on track, there's some of that ol' ludonarrative dissonance or what have you going on. You're fundamentally participating in capital in order to defeat capital. While nationalization and sustainability and fair trade are always presented as the "good" options, the question of The Economy At Large starts to loom in the back. Money might as well appear from and disappear into a black hole; does the Bureau mint the coins and distribute the currency? Like, if you have the cash to pay for it, most product stock is infinite. You can purchase property, but from whom? Previous owners are listed, but they appear to lack the ability to refuse your offer (because they don't have the Property Vision spell, I guess), simply grumbling and paying their rent every tick. ~~All salable products grow in sale price as you sell more of them, when it should be the opposite if you're flooding the market.~~

I get it. It's a video game. You gotta have progression somehow. I wouldn't think about it too hard if the game itself didn't gesture towards these things, though.

_{(aside: I thought about it a little more and regarding that last point, every product is actually consumable or addictive in some way that justifies it not oversaturating the market, so that's to the game's credit [but dang it sure makes your entire mission even more inherently unethical])}

I hear there's actually quite a bit of story and ending mutability depending on your specific choices as well as NG+ content, but for now I think I'm satisfied with Final Profit. It's got fairly novel gameplay, some clever and funny writing, and plenty of optional completionist tasks if those are your kind of thing. It's a great example of the kinds of things possible with a tool like RPG Maker (you know, besides indie horror games).

Review - Exoprimal

2024-09-17T16:35:07.845Z

(originally posted Dec 30, 2023)

Game's old news by now, but yotsuben got it for me for Christmas (thanks to a price fuckup on Humble Bundle's part where it briefly cost something like a third of its intended sale price), and I did enjoy the betas, and there's a 2xEXP weekend running currently, so I've killed a lot of dinosaurs over the past week and wrapped up the story content.

It really sucks that Exoprimal was forced to be some kind of battle-pass live service game when all it really wants to be is a Left 4 Dead style cooperative horde-murderin' game with a loose story through-line. It's especially frustrating because the story is actually pretty good. The game is under no bones about being what it is: in this world people put on power armor and dive through time to shoot dinosaurs in the head. The raid boss is called a Neo T-Rex. They're in on the joke, and it means they can lean into it and not take themselves too seriously, and get some actual pathos out of it. The "Best Screwdriver" series of logs is some primo MGS-style codec call bullshit (complimentary).

As you might expect from a game with time travel, there's some goofy stuff involving time loops and such. It's pretty clear early on that Goddess Bikitoa was an exofighter sent further back than normal, but finding the log they left behind and the story details within was a solid "oh shit!" moment. I think the clear standout story stuff is with Alders, both his relationship with Sandy and his character arc after the confrontation with Durban. The scene where Maj can't come up with anything else to comfort him other than "you know what, fuck that asshole" feels more genuine to me than any number of inspirational speeches.

It's just that to get any to any of this good stuff, you have to hop into the multiplayer queue, and after each battle you get one or two lore logs with some audio of the characters talking about the situation. Collect enough about a specific subject and there's a longer codec call where all of those logs are compiled into some more concrete info. Certain battle thresholds have more produced story cutscenes and milestones accompanied by a special bespoke mission, often some kind of raid boss where all 10 players have to work together.

Any time I got the "special" missions (by far the most enjoyable experiences in the game), there were maybe one or two other humans playing and the rest were bots. I don't know how you're supposed to replay these unless the matchmaking decides to plop you in with a new player progressing through the story for the first time. You're definitely supposed to be able to because there are profile medals for, say, beating the final boss 5 and 10 times. Are they just... random in the queue? Who thought that was a good idea?

To see the entire plot, you have to play about 60-ish Dino Survival rounds, which are about 15-20 minutes apiece. Steam says I've played 26 hours, but a lot of that is waiting for matchmaking or fiddling with builds or leaving the game running while I made dinner or whatnot, I'd wager the actual gameplay time is closer to 20. Which, honestly, pretty reasonable... if, again, this wasn't a stupid live game.

Almost all your gameplay options are gated behind your level and your "Bikcoin" currency, which you get by... leveling up (to Capcom's credit, you cannot buy more Bikcoin). This includes the equippable chips that actually can alter your playstyle pretty drastically and the Alpha variants of every playable exo-suit, which each have different primary weapons and playstyles from their normal counterparts. You can't unlock an Alpha variant until you hit level 20 with a specific suit, and then it costs 15,000 Bikcoin just to unlock the Alpha. You might have spent 5000 just to unlock the regular Murasame suit. Then if you want the good chips, you're spending thousands more to unlock and upgrade those, only if you're a high enough player level.

It's not a problem for me now, because I'm 10 hours deep into the 2xEXP weekend and have like 70,000 Bikicoin laying around waiting to be spent on upgrades, but it's just tedious and frustrating in principle. I feel like I shouldn't play Roadblock Alpha, my favorite class, because that way I'm not earning up points to unlock the other stuff. Sucks! Please don't make progression this way especially in a competitive multiplayer environment where I am actively hindering my team by playing classes I'm bad at!!

And that's kind of the rub in general, right? I'm discouraged from getting invested in the story, from experimenting and enjoying the actually pretty cool and varied slate of classes because Exoprimal is a fucking competitive 5v5 live game and I feel like I'm under constant scrutiny to play well and not screw over my team. Yes Leviathan, I know that I'm completing objectives slower than the enemy team, how about you fuck right off? I hate what this does to me, because yes I do want to win, and more importantly I want to facilitate the other people on my team winning, and it means I become an asshole about playing properly and that the people on my team become assholes about playing properly, and this is why I no longer play Overwatch or Apex Legends or any "third place" game anymore.

At least when I get bodied in Street Fighter 6 I'm the only one who looks like an idiot.

Review - Crystal Project

2024-09-17T16:29:29.393Z

(originally posted January 7, 2023)

Wow, yeah, this is pretty good!

What I Liked

The exploration

Big honkin' ol' voxel world, and you can platform two (2) boxes high and three (3) boxes wide, which means that each time you get a new method of traversal it feels like a huge increase to your explorative capabilities. If you like exploring off in random corners and seeing what weird shit's there, this has a lot of that. The warp point limit (and I used the additional home points assist option) feels incredibly restrictive at first in a way that makes you appreciative of the world design later when it's no longer an issue.

Like, remember how in Dark Souls, you couldn't warp for the first half of the game, and that added a huge amount of texture to simply traversing to your next destination, and more importantly, back home after a major trip? Like, finding the bonfire in the bottom of Blighttown is a blessing because it's finally a bonfire and then a curse because now you're stuck in Blighttown? It's a little like that.

The class system, most of the time

FF-style job system, right? If it ain't broke don't fix it. You get a main class with an active ability and passive bonuses and a sub-class's active ability. Support abilities are lumped into one big pool and each has a point cost, so there's some decent configuring to be had. I stuck with a tanky physical boy, a dex/agility DPS, an offensive spellcaster, and a healing/support caster, and it worked out most of the time.

The battle system

Yum yum, give me that transparent turn order and damage numbers. I didn't get up to the kind of shenanigans I did in Bravely Default _{_{(Hasten World + Jump)}} but I had a few boss fights that came right down to the wire in a really satisfying way. I am always a fiend for Damage Over Time abilities and there are like three different kinds in this game fuck yeah.

Assist options

No missable items is a nice one; there's a Lost 'n' Found vendor in the main city who sells all of the boss steal items and anything that was in a chest that wouldn't fit in your inventory. You can talk to an NPC and respec your level growths at any time, which is great for the kinds of people who would step on that one trap space in Final Fantasy Tactics that lowered your level, but you would do it with a crappy job with bad stat growths, so that you could level up again later with a higher tier job with better stat growths, thus achieving a net gain in stats. But I'm sure nobody would do this.

I turned on the multiple home points thing immediately, but in retrospect I might not have needed to. There are ways to configure the battle difficulty and to win minigames instantly and such (I will never race another Quintar again as long as I live). I also fiddled with the ones that let me configure EXP/Gold/Job Points rewards, which sort of leads me into...

What I Didn't Like

The game is somewhat judgemental about you using the assist options

Once you turn them on, you can't turn them off, and each puts a permanent mark of shame on your save file. This is ridiculous. Just let me have the sliders set to 100% normally and let me move them up or down as I see fit, alright? Have a little trust.

Long term progression is unreasonably tedious on Normal mode without using assist options (IMO)

Okay, so like, with this kind of JRPG, non-boss encounters are all about resource attrition, right? You don't want to use up all your healing items before you get to a boss, because you want to be as close to full power as you can. But you also need to fight them to get strong enough to fight the boss, so you can't just skip them all. It's the push and pull.

Encounters in this game will fuck you up. I assume I was pretty much on level curve, and I would often end bog-standard encounters with one or more party members downed or at low health. This is not bad in itself, but the game also has restrictive limits on how many restorative items you can carry, gold is fairly scarce, and equipment is expensive. By the time I was halfway-ish through the game, I was starting to dread reaching big new areas because I knew it would be a huge uphill climb.

Then I turned gold earned up to like, 150%? of normal. Enough to actually afford potions and at least one piece of the next equipment tier for the whole party. Suddenly everything got way more manageable, while staying tough.

The map system

Specifically, the way it won't even show you where you are in the void if you don't have the map for that location. Look, fine, don't give me the minimap, but I deserve to know my relative location on the world map.

What I'm Ambivalent About

The lack of story

It's not that there isn't a story, or that what's there doesn't do a decent job, but I could go for a little more meat here. For what it is, it's perfectly adequate, I guess. Just like, in Breath of the Wild or Souls/Elden Ring, the big-name "explore off in weird corners and see what shit's there" games, you often find things that tie back into the main plot and backstory and such or add flavor. In Crystal Project you might also find a sick sword, but it won't have a cool, evocative description that deepens your understanding of the world and its inhabitants. And that's fine, but I sorta wish wish it did, you know?

The only real exceptions to this I think are the final boss area and the secret boss questline. Except, because of how most of the game is, I feel like there's little point in thinking about it because nothing else seems to really have much going on narrative wise. I dunno.

Long term class balance

There was never a moment where I felt like I learned a real game-changer of an ability. There's not really a Rapid Fire or Doublecast equivalent where you feel in your bones you need to beeline directly towards it (even though Doublecast is totally in the game, it has a bunch of caveats that make its usefulness limited to specific situations). The closest was probably the ~~Red Mage~~ Warlock passive that lets you regenerate 6 MP a turn for six turns every time you enter battle; never took that off my casters once I got it. Instead I got these moments more from finding or buying fancy equipment, which is neat but not something I felt like I had control over.

This isn't a bad thing per se, I think it's definitely by design to keep the classes balanced, but it does flatten the curve a bit. I didn't feel like my party had crystallized into true shitwreckers until, when I reached the level cap towards the end of the game, I decided I was done trying to fill out jobs, stripped my entire party naked, and respecced them all into what I felt were the best versions of themselves. Did pretty well after that.

In conclusion, Crystal Project is pretty good (IMO).

Review - Chained Echoes

2024-09-17T16:15:33.223Z

(originally posted Mar 29, 2023)

First: I enjoyed Chained Echoes. It's an incredibly well-made, polished product considering the small team. The battle system feels good, the systems are balanced to prevent a need for level-grinding, and it didn't start to drag until I started pursuing the optional superboss stuff in the endgame. If this came out five years ago, I'd probably be singing its praises.

The dev has echoed a common sentiment with many of these retro-inspired indie games, which is that they want to recreate how those games are in your memories - how they made you feel - rather than how they actually were. If Chained Echoes succeeds in this, it's only partially, because it reminded me of other games constantly.

It's got a pretty standard JRPG narrative, but I have nothing inherently against that (unlike G4). The cast is full of the broad archetypes you might expect - hesitant hero, rebellious princess, self-interested thief - doing the sorts of things you might expect. Monsters roam the countryside, the empire controls dangerous magic, and the Pope's inquisitors make cryptic statements to each other about Gods' true intention. I think there's plenty of room for another retro-inspired indie JRPG out there, but there might be such a thing as too inspired.

Literally from the moment I hit New Game up until the middle of the end credits, I found myself thinking, "Oh, this is just that thing from that other thing." It reads almost like an extended X-meets-Y marketing copy: WHAT IF... the plot from Xenogears, the party dynamics from FFVI, the geopolitics of the Ivalice Alliance, the event scripting from Chrono Trigger, the Giant of Babil from FFIV, the Mana Fortress from Secret of Mana, the final act from FFVII, the introductory missions from Wild ARMs, the Yevon church from FFX, the home base from Skies of Arcadia, plus a special mixture of secret herbs and spices... were all in the same game?? Any individual identity Chained Echoes has is subsumed by slavish adherence to its inspirations.

To clarify, I definitely wouldn't say any of this is plagiarism or anything, and they usually aren't tiresome "hey, remember X?" direct references. It's that the whole thing feels like like every Squaresoft RPG from the 1990s was pureed in a blender and poured into a SNES-shaped mold, kitbashed into some kind of Franken-game.

Sometimes, I take my mother to a chain restaurant called "Pieology", which is basically an assembly-line style (Subway, Chipotle, etc) fast food place for pizza. She puts every single topping she likes on the same pizza without considering why you might use a specific ingredient. If you separately enjoy parmesan, ricotta, mozzarella, pineapple, corn, cherry tomatoes, basil, garlic, cilantro, artichokes, olives, peppers... putting all of them together should be even better, right?

But you get something underbaked. It tastes like everything and thus tastes like nothing in particular. It's still recognizably pizza, and you like the pizza genre as a whole... but "it's pizza!" feels like the only intention behind it.

For example, Chained Echoes has mecha, which stand out next to the usual JRPG airship fare in its otherwise Ivalicean setting. Xenogears has mecha. But Xenogears (for all its faults) also has a sci-fi plot about the intersection of man, god, and machine; mecha are a deliberate narrative device to buoy those themes. Why does Chained Echoes have mecha? Because mecha were in Xenogears.

It's that feeling, every 20 minutes, for 35 hours.

I genuinely believe there isn't anything inherently wrong with being an imitative work. Something like Signalis wears its aesthetic inspirations on its sleeve, but makes use of them for its own thematic goals. Crystal Project is transparently a FFV-style job system battle simulator that doesn't pretend to have any lofty narrative ambitions. And Chained Echoes is a perfectly good indie JRPG... but I wish it were a bit more than that.

Review - Amarantus

2024-09-17T16:26:12.908Z

(originally posted August 9, 2023)

A western-made visual novel that actually does things with the medium! And does them well. A rarity, to be cherished.

(At this point I spent a very long time staring at the draft of this post, pondering how I could write this in a way that wasn't as mechanical and wooden as my usual output, in a way that does justice to the impressive writing within Amarantus. I did not succeed. Workmanlike it is.)

Amarantus takes place in a sort of low-fantasy world where you play as a young man named Arik Tereison. The game opens with the lord's soldiers raiding his house in the dead of night, capturing his parents while he only just escapes. Arik assembles a small team of friends and acquaintances with the intent to march to the capital and Do Something About This.

The core story doesn't really change based on your choices; it's Arik's relationships with his team that do. I'd kill to see this game's internal flowchart. There's a huge amount of mutability based on what you say, and it's complex enough that I genuinely have no clue how to reach certain branches. The choices do matter and do have consequences, and they can be so small that you don't notice until they compound into a situation that smashes the back of your skull with a hammer.

The game shoves you into the deep end, expecting you to figure out the pre-existing relationship dynamics and state of the world almost purely via context clues. Thankfully, the writing is strong enough to support this approach, and the game is short as to facilitate multiple playthroughs. It trickles just enough information that I experienced multiple "oh my god, I knew it!" and "holy shit, they were actually talking about this!" moments in equal measure through subsequent runs.

This approach allows the game to squeeze tons of value out of its limited cast, who each have an impressive sense of specificity and agency. I'm used to companions in games simply following my lead and doing what I say, but would Marius stop trying to score with Raeann just because I told him to? Of course he wouldn't, he's a fucking disaster of a human being. You can't hook up with characters just by being nice like in most games with romance options (lookin at you, Baldur's Gate 3). You have to actually act in a way they're interested in.

The writing in Amarantus - the dialogue, really - is genuinely impressive. There's a heavy emphasis on naturalistic timing, taking full advantage of the Power of Computers to display things at various speeds. You know that awkward, beat-too-long pause where the game has to load the next line, even if the next line is supposed to be immediate? None of that shit here. Characters will pause to sigh, visibly hesitate to answer, interrupt themselves and others; all without waiting for player input. Words will change depending on how characters are pronouncing them.

I cannot overstate how huge this is. The classic fetter of visual novels is limited expressions and how one deals with that restriction. For example, Ace Attorney uses bombastic, hammy animations to convey character, which works well because every character is some kind of larger-than-life caricature. Amarantus has subtler writing and these accordingly subtler animations elevate it from great to amazing.

And just, man, I gotta get back in there, test every possible combination of choices. Some of my favorite dialogue in that game so far is in a scene that - according to the achievement statistics at time of writing - 2.5% of players have seen. And I can't imagine that many people are playing something as niche as this in the first place.

(Aside: Steam Visual Novel Fest is what kicked me in the ass to finish this review even though I got the game at launch, it's 20% off right now so maybe give it a look)

Honestly between Amarantus, Exocolonist, Citizen Sleeper, Roadwarden, and South Scrimshaw: Part One, I'm eatin' well from the "high-quality narrative game of relatively modest scope" table. Keep 'em coming.

Demonschool Flunks on Making Style its Substance

2025-12-03T20:57:16.708Z

The modern entries of Atlus' Persona series carry a certain renown among not just RPGs but Japanese games in general. The first three games hew closer to the old-school dungeon-crawling of the parent Shin Megami Tensei series (which I've explored recently), but Persona exploded in popularity after 2006's Persona 3 swapped the esoteric Demon Negotiation system for social life/dating sim mechanics. As entries like Persona 5 further broke into mainstream Western popular consciousness and audiences aged, certain questions started to come up more often in discussion. Most pertinently to today's topic, "Instead of high school, why not just make Persona with adults in college?"

Describing Necrosoft Games' Demonschool as simply "Persona with college-age characters" would be reductive to both, but it's a comparison the game clearly wishes to evoke. Whether it succeeds either at this or its own goals (whatever those be) across its 40-hour runtime is a more difficult question.

You primarily play as Faye, a spiky-haired, physically-inclined, all-loving-but-hot-headed protagonist in the familiar pattern of any number of shounen battle anime. Supposedly the final demon hunter in the world, she travels to the secluded Hemsk Island to stop the prophesied apocalypse. Across the last ten weeks of 1999, conveniently about a single university semester, Faye collects a cadre of companions to her cause and kicks a whole lot of people and demons in the face along the way.

Let's start positive: said kicking is the part of the game I most consistently enjoyed. Other than Faye, you take three additional members of the massive party into any given battle. Each character has their own unique combination of attack style, elemental attribute, and special move, grouped into larger categories. For example, brawler-types like Destin can push enemies around or knock down lines domino-style, while phaser-types like Namako move through those lines and pop out the other side, striking them all in turn. Learning swappable abilities to improve or modify their attributes costs school credits, of which you can earn up to three in any given skirmish via a grading system.

In general, I like to think of tactics games as falling along a spectrum. On one end are games like Into the Breach or Tactical Breach Wizards with heavy focus on positioning, field control, and maximizing value. I call this the "Chess Puzzle" style, as battles tend to present as a problem that can be solved with precise actions. The other end has games like XCOM: Enemy Unknown or Dungeons & Dragons, where battles are more about adapting to shifting situations and managing multiple resources over time. I call this the "Campaign" style, where often you must consider your long-term plans across both micro and macro scales. I suppose you could simplify this to just "tactics" vs "strategy".

Demonschool firmly lands on the Chess Puzzle end, which isn't my personal preference but isn't unappealing either. The objective is always the same: within a certain number of turns, defeat a certain number of enemies and get at least one party member to the final row. Missing turn par or losing one of your own squad takes one credit off your score at the end. Though some encounters can get pretty dicey, the difficulty is quite forgiving. The game never imposes a real-time clock, and you can reverse your moves as many times as you want before committing to a "turn". If necessary, restarting the entire battle is also quick and easy.

As is common in any game with a large enough party, I settled on a solid team about halfway in that could handle 90% of problems, only changing out members when absolutely necessary. This was partly to avoid having to shuffle around ability loadouts but mostly because I found certain characters unbearably annoying. I would never use Jem or Ocean unless the game absolutely forced me to.

Aesthetically, the game makes some clever plays. Modern Persona - especially the widely-idolized 5 - is known for striking visuals with hyper-stylized UI and animations. Demonschool visually patterns itself off the early Persona games, mixing isometric 3D environments with simplistic 2D sprites. It's a smart choice that lets the game play into low-poly PS1 nostalgia while maintaining the veneer of modern Persona via slick typography and screen transitions.

My absolute favorite effect is how all of a given turn's actions play out in sequence when it ends, which I also liked in Phantom Brigade. Any turn-based battle in a game is always undergoing some kind of time dilation, like how a big fight in D&D might take several hours at the table but in-fiction happens over a mere thirty seconds. Showing everything at once helps the player feel smart for orchestrating the falling row of dominoes and makes the party feel coordinated. With a smidge of editing, you could probably make some pretty neat .gifs of the battles.

It's outside of the demon kicking where Demonschool loses me. The cast and script start out charming enough, playing with broad archetypes and pleasantly casual dialogue. But as the game progressed, the party ballooned in size, and familiar archetypes of gags appeared more often, I felt a void growing within me. Something wasn't working.

I couldn't dial in on what was bothering me for most of my playtime. I was chuckling at the jokes, but I wasn't feeling any actual pathos from any of the characters. Calling it "twee" in the vein of something like I Was a Teenage Exocolonist didn't feel quite right. Nor was it "quippy", in that MCU-movie style I've come to dislike. When talking to friends I hesitantly compared the script to the comedic style of Yakuza/RGG substories; Demonschool certainly has a similar penchant for silly NPC names. I just couldn't place what I was feeling until I randomly checked the "shitposting" channel in one of my Discord servers. Everything clicked: the entire game is written like social media.

Some among you might stop me there, saying, "But Iro, you love Disco Elysium, and the text in that game was patterned off Twitter!" But Disco Elysium utilizes the form and pacing of social media with the goal of making the act of reading its text more engaging. Demonschool feels like just scrolling social media.

Let me elaborate. Everything in Demonschool feels designed to get people to share screenshots of it first and actually serve the plot, characters, or themes second. Each conversation feels like a bit that goes on for 2-6 posts before you scroll to the next, a never-ending series of casual "yes, and"-ing. They aren't zingers or quips necessarily, just silly responses that you might see in, say, a quote tweet. The characters seem like they have a rapport because they build on each other's jokes like this from the second they meet. It's all cute and charming enough that you politely chuckle and move on without thinking about it. Unfortunately, I started thinking about it.

The script has the same rhythm and tone as reading a bsky thread of screenshots of tumblr and twitter threads. It all feels tailor-made for the type of folks who will post screencaps of girls kissing captioned "GAY GAY GAY" or "Fuck cops!" or "Yeah, mutual aid!" or something equally tame. It's a game where you can Pet the Dog. From a certain point of view, that's quite clever design. Making the game a word-of-mouth generator has the potential to pay dividends in sales, and Demonschool appears to have done quite well for itself. But shitposts are inherently shallow and disposable, so Demonschool feels that way as well.

By the time Demonschool introduces a fourth lesbian party member, I felt little but exasperation. What are we even doing here? I have no reason to actually care about the party when their friendship quests are set up to go from, "I have never met you," to, "I love you and we are making out on the roof," in literally less than an in-game week. But it does mean there's easy access to screenshots of characters flirting that you can post on your timeline. Persona has romance paths, but not for every character, and even the datable prospects have other things going on in their social links that help deepen your understanding of their character over time. Reducing the long-term hangout-itude of social links to repetitive three-stage kiss-or-don't sequences does the format a disservice.

Like, you know what, sure, the prerequisites are technically there to describe Demonschool as a well-produced indie tactical RPG inspired by Persona starring adults with relationship mechanics and palatable progressive politics. But it doesn't cohere in any way deeper than ticking those check marks. The 1999 setting only causes dissonance when everyone talks like leftist millennials. The supposed university setting feels like lip-service when the academy is blatantly set up like a high school. A diverse 15-person party reduces any individual's permitted complexity to that of a three-line Twitter bio. There's nothing for me to grip.

Part of me asks, "Yes, and?" I did laugh, decently often. I enjoyed myself enough to finish the game. My standards are not so high that I could not derive some measure of entertainment from Demonschool; perhaps you will get more out of it than I. But I know that the second I'm done writing about it, the game is going to slide directly out of my brain, lost in the infinite scroll of the timeline. There's always another post.

#games

genre fiction and worldbuilding have a rough relationship

2024-10-02T21:38:58.137Z

(originally posted October 21, 2022)

J.R.R. Tolkien did the world a disservice by making every single fantasy writer think that they need to chronicle every goddamn minute of their world in order for it to be legitimate. I don't give two shits about a king who lost a war 700 years ago. [Snore]! Get outta here!

-Brian David Gilbert, I read all 337 books in Skyrim so you don't have to | Unraveled

Plenty of smart people who are not me have posted plenty about Lore already around these parts and you should read what they have to say. I'm just a guy, but hey, why wasn't I consulted?

I'm extremely guilty of everything I'm complaining about, and it's not like I've produced an actual finished work yet myself. But as someone who tangentially hangs out in certain genre fiction writer spheres, gosh, people are just obsessed with their worldbuilding to the point that it's an unspoken measure of prestige or something. Like, mainstream heavy-scare-quotes "successful" fantasy (within the spheres I tend to see, so, mostly white, western spheres) are inspired by Tolkien and Martin and Sanderson, big ol' universes with intertwined installments and Lore, and I get it, right? I was into Fate for a decade; I understand the appeal, the scent that tickles the nose of a Lore Hound from three leagues away.

More pertinently, I understand the anxiety of feeling like you have to compete with that if you want to write fantasy. We live in the social media era now, and most of us are not Great War Era academic linguists or part of 19th-century American cults or what have you. It might be sour grapes talking, but I'm not sure how possible it is for a normal person to build that stuff without major backing or just being part of a media conglomerate like Star Wars or some shit. But fantasy writers especially, still sort of feel like they have to, because that's just what (again, mainstream-white-western) Fantasy is right?

So again, the end result is the vibe that "More Lore = Good" and it's almost some kind of sick arms race. There's a weird amount of, I guess, humblebragging? About how much research they did over all these minor details because they just had to know it for the history of their constructed world. I've seen posts of people talking about the thousands and thousands of words they wrote fleshing out the founding of cities, history of nations, the primordial forces that shaped the very universe. People saying they spent days researching iron deposits because they had a scene around a campfire and there was an iron pot and where did they get the iron from, the worldbuliding implications everyone.

Sometimes I ask them what the book is, the story. They often don't have an answer.

Like, I personally reckon that these are the main merits of having an original setting:

_{^{(aside: none of these are necessarily limited to original settings, historical fiction and narrative nonfiction and whatnot exist too, it's just a rant folks)}}

You can more closely intertwine the story's milieu around its core themes

You can create a sense of narrative weight around how the plot affects the setting

You can create those "aha!" moments when stuff was secretly connected all along

The first is the most important, IMO. It's sort of the platter upon which fiction exists at all; creation myths and Just-so stories and whatnot informing cultural ethos. Why is this story being told, and what elements, real or not, are necessary for it to be told? For example, maybe you want to tell a story about how capitalism ruins lives, so you create a setting that has corporations controlling every aspect of human existence.

The second sort of naturally arises out of a desire for verisimilitude. This is the meat of "worldbuilding" as a concept, I think. You want things to make logical sense in ways that we understand from our own lived experience. In the real world, this is called "history".

Then that third one is the chocolate sundae, right? When you spot Melshii in Andor Ep8 and the neurons converge and you go "that's the thing from the other thing!!" and get that dopamine rush. That's what drives the "10 Things You Missed in Episode 4!" listicles, the fan wikis, the lore theory videos. This can arguably only happen when a setting hits a certain metatextual size threshold, and it's a proven way of getting people invested.

I think the part that bugs the heck outta me is seeing people sort of, approach worldbuilding in a way that feels backwards I guess? There seems to be some kind of belief that once they have the perfect world, the story will arise naturally from within; that constructed history has the same fundamental momentum as real history. They want that universe where they can write forty-seven books that are all on different planets but are secretly part of the same universe so they can blow your mind when you recognize a character from Book 3 in Book 9, but they haven't figured out what the books are actually about.
(by the way it's fine, maybe even better? if you do this stuff chiefly for your own personal amusement, hell, that's what Tolkien basically did until other people convinced him to send it to a publishing house, but presumably worldbuilders want to actually have a finished work)

We experience media we enjoy, and the more surface elements are always the things most easily imitated. We say "wow, cool robot", and make things with cool robots in them, without necessarily interrogating why the robots are in there in the first place. Swords and sorcery, neon and chrome. We see the little interconnected strings of our favorite franchise's web and we want that. And really great, amazing stuff can come from that, there's no denying it.

But finished product or work in progress, it feels sometimes like the substance has drained away, and all that's left is Lore. And I want a bit more than that.

#writing

Touchstones and comp titles

2024-09-17T17:28:22.452Z

(originally posted December 31st, 2023)

As I attempt to scrabble and claw my way out of only playing D&D 5e by looking at a bunch of other TTRPGs out there, I've noticed a lot of them have a small section for "Touchstones": a list of inspirational works. It seems to be a sort of vibe check for a given RPG's theming, both aesthetically and mechanically; what it aspires to evoke.

There's nothing wrong with this, and in fact can be useful to establish the kind of lens you're supposed to be using to evaluate something. TTRPGs, occupying a shared mindspace among the table, benefit from having a shared... well, touchstone. If we're playing a mech game, maybe we should all know if we're playing Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam or The King of Braves: GaoGaiGar.

What I'm sort of puzzling out is why this doesn't bother me, while certain other forms of this do bother me.

I once attended a writing workshop that included a lecture about Pitching, that most devious and terrifying of steps for any writer aspiring to break into the traditional publishing industry.

_{(Aside: for those not in the know, traditional publishing gatekeeps primarily through literary agents, who take a 10-15% cut of anything you make in exchange for handling the schmoozing and dealing. Most big publishers simply don't accept any submissions that aren't from an agent, so there's a whole cottage industry around finding and convincing an agent to represent you and your book. The idea behind Pitching is that you're trying to convince an agent to read your manuscript and decide this is worth spending their time attempting to sell to publishing houses in the hopes of making a decent payday like 12-18 months down the line.)}

The lecturer (an agent themselves) repeatedly hammered home that the most important thing your pitch needed was comp titles, the ol' "X-meets-Y". (The comp is "comparison".)

From what I recall from that many years ago lecture, you wanted to follow these guidelines:

Comp titles should be popular recent releases; within the past 1-2 years.
Comp titles should be in the same genre as your book, both in content and demographic.
Comp titles should contain an element that stands out that makes it clear what specific part of the comp title you're referencing.
Comp titles should not be big, known properties. (Their phrasing was along the lines of, "If you're listing Harry Potter as a comp, you might as well say you're targeting literally everyone who reads books.")
- If you are targeting a specific enough element or have a compelling enough pitch, this might be okay.

To this day people in the workshop's alumni discord server ask for help coming up with appropriate comp titles like their lives depend on it. To them, it probably feels like it does.

Now, if you're anything like me, having someone describe anything to as "X-meets-Y" is a surefire way to make me uninterested. My brain shuts down because I feel like it doesn't actually tell me anything about the work. I want to know what a story is about, not what it's like. I'm sure there are people out there (and more power to 'em!) who do pick up series because they see a tweet what says "It's like Legend of Korra, but with dragons!!". but I ain't one.

Remember that one tweet about how God of War was "If X also had Y" over and over? Does it make you involuntarily groan because of how little it actually communicates about the game, because it's just evoking stuff you know is scare-quotes "good" in hopes of creating some kind of mental bridge between the two? If so, we're on the same page.

_{(That said, video games probably are a broad exception to this feeling. Games have a clear mechanical element; telling me something has "the format of Persona" or "is a Souls-clone" gives me a usable frame of reference for understanding what I'm looking at. A book is a book, but FPS-battle-royale might as well be a different medium entirely from citybuilder. The tweet is just a convenient example because of how hyperbolic it is.)}

What is the fundamental difference between a touchstone and a comp title in the context of this random post from a guy on the internet who is flapping his mouth hole open and closed repeatedly while pushing buttons on a plastic apparatus? Well, allow me to explain my reasoning behind writing about this dichotomy I kind of made up on the spot.

The thing about comp titles is that they are foremost a marketing tool. The purpose of comp titles is not to convince another human being they might enjoy something or find it fulfilling in any way; their purpose is to convince an agent that you might have an appealing product. Whether it's actually good or not is secondary, what matters is that it sells. You're trying to - in the lecturer's words - reduce the cognitive load of your pitch and make it instantly clear what your audience is. They want recent comps because they want stuff that's hot and trending.

At that same conference, I was sitting at a dinner table with various attendees and all the agents were talking about how they wished they were the ones who signed a particular book, titled "Mage Against the Machine", a "Harry Potter meets Terminator" situation. I never heard a single one say it was good (maybe it is, maybe it isn't, I wouldn't know), what was more important to them was that you immediately understood the premise based on the comps and it had a snappy title that might be appealing to some suit at a publishing house.

When I see a list of touchstones, I don't feel like I'm being advertised to. Usually there's some kind of bizarre entry that only a weird enthusiast would appreciate. Armour Astir shouts out fuckin Armour Hunter Mellowlink and SD Gundam Gaiden and I don't think I personally know anyone who's seen one of those, let alone both. I've seen several TTRPGs specifically mention Valkyria Chronicles, aka "the only fake anime WW2 setting that actually addresses the Holocaust". I saw a cohost post that included Binding of Isaac and Kamen Rider on the same list of touchstones and I can't help but be curious what they were trying to achieve that somehow includes both of those.

And, perhaps more importantly, the touchstones aren't meant to serve as some kind of "boiling down" of the concept. Like I said earlier, they're meant to be thematic inspirations, street signs for the giants upon whose shoulders we stand rather than shrouds for us to pretend we are the giants (wow what the fuck is this metaphor, I immediately wanted to delete this because it barely makes sense but I'm leaving it in because it is so unhinged).

Anyway, thanks for reading. I don't have a thesis or anything other than "wow, capitalism and the market trends created and enforced by it kind of suck and are creatively unfulfilling" but I think you knew that already and I've already written about a thousand words more than I intended to on New Year's Eve about something that has nothing to do with the kind of year wrap-up posts that I probably ought be writing. Take care out there and here's hoping 2024 runs a bit smoother for us all.

#writing #rpg

How can I become a better writer

2025-11-01T04:22:28.287Z

If you are reading this post I assume you have read at least a few of my other posts and have a concept of how I write. I would love to hear from you. Hell, open question to literally anyone reading this even if you haven't read my other stuff. Sound off in the comments.

How can I get better, in your opinion? Where are the strengths in my writing that I ought improve and the weaknesses I ought amend? What am I missing?

I know some of my weaknesses for sure, as I addressed in my site retrospective. I work too slowly. I don't stay current. I don't want to piss people off. I'm not as willing or able as some to do "readings", wrapping my criticism around specific themes. At times I think perhaps I'm fundamentally incurious or just uneducated or something. Which may very well be true; who can say? What's clear is that something is not up to snuff. I am obviously not doing as good a job as I could or should be.

I also know we live in a particularly dark time where even the best writers are having trouble finding attention. The premise of me typing out that sentence also acknowledges that I am firmly not among their number and I do not wish to be so presumptuous as to pretend though I am. But also, sometimes I see the stuff out there that people are presumably being paid to write and I'm just like, come on. ...Maybe that's too mean-spirited of me. Another thing to work on, I guess.

Share your wisdom with me, friends.

reflex

2024-09-17T17:26:18.251Z

(originally posted July 12, 2022)

Content Warning: Suicidal Ideation

I am a recovering apology addict. I have spent the past half-decade coming to slowly understand this and I turned 30 this month. Thank you for your understanding.

Growing up, I learned to say “sorry” whenever possible.

I learned that it was good and proper to take personal responsibility for things. That was “The Mature Thing To Do”. In reality, there is a lot of nuance to this, and a lot of it relies upon coming to a deeper understanding of what you do or do not actually have influence over. But I’ve got that all-or-nothing, black-and-white, heaven-or-hell (let’s rock) brain.

If something went wrong, it was cause for apologies, bowing, kowtowing. Sorry, I messed up. I take full responsibility. I promise I’ll try to do better next time. Sorry.

If something went right… well, that A grade could have been an A+, right? Right isn’t the same as perfect. I’ll try to reach perfection next time. There has to be room for improvement somewhere. If I become complacent - think that just “right” is good enough - I’ll never improve. Sorry.

Even if it wasn’t anything related to what I did, it was just the easy thing to say. A convenience.

“I’m sorry for your loss.”
“I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“I’m sorry I was late.”
“I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”
“I’m sorry I interrupted you, but could you…”

“Sorry, did that make sense?”
“I didn’t mean to cause problems, sorry…”
“Sorry, I lost us that match.”
“I’m ruining the mood, sorry…”
“Sorry again for bothering you, but…”

But this is still too many words; boil it all down to just the one. When I tried to learn how to write (I’m still learning), I learned that brevity is (generally) good. At a conference, Desiree Burch taught me a really powerful exercise, which involved taking a certain amount of time to write/talk through a concept, and then progressively whittling down that time until you have a matter of seconds to say it. We all went from irreverent to weeping in 15 minutes.

Cut to the heart of things. With the right tone, you can express a whole concept in a single word.

“Sorry.” It became my catchphrase.

I think there was nuance to what I meant once. I do not think there was any left by the time I was through with it.

Sorry. That’s not quite true. There was nuance, but with the breadth of options excised. Over time, every instance of me speaking the word came to mean the same, somewhat complex concept. When I said “sorry”, the reflexive apology, the Deep Sorry, what I actually meant was:

I know, with every fiber of my being, that my existence brings you suffering. Every interaction with me evokes within you negative emotions along the spectrum of mere annoyance to active anger and disgust. My mere presence is at best tolerated and usually actively despised. Were I to truly value such concepts as the greater good, self-sacrifice, or compassion, I would kill myself, removing a tiny evil from this world, and my failure to do so thus far is a cowardly, selfish act. Your continued acknowledgement of my existence, however minuscule, is in itself a profound act of saintly effort wasted upon a lowly individual as myself. Though this plea be desperate, undesired, and arrogant, I beg you not abandon me, though you would be correct to do so. Permit me to parasitize you, to extort a morsel of undeserved companionship, for it is the only pleasure other than masturbation which I possess in my miserable life.

Sorry. That got a bit long.

When I said “sorry”, what I meant was, “I’m sorry for existing. Neither of us chose this.”

Anyway, it turns out, when you verbally cut yourself often enough, people start to notice, and it makes them uncomfortable. I was only vaguely aware of this until I met people who did the same thing. It was a real “Why is the ‘Most Dangerous Animal’ exhibit at the zoo a mirror?” moment. I felt silly, but I still kept saying it. I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t understand.

It was September 2018, and I was trying to sleep on a bus going from the Writing Excuses Retreat to the airport. After spending the entire NASA tour day before the conference in rain-drenched clothes, I caught a cold the first actual conference day and felt miserable the entire week. I stayed in my room as much as possible, giving myself horrible heartburn by drinking lemon-ginger tea nonstop. Someone tried to get me thrown off the ship, and while they were probably justified (even in those pre-coronavirus times), I still think they were an asshole about it. I apologized profusely to everyone, especially the instructors.

I was trying to sleep on the bus. The congestion was only just lifting. I’d wanted an aisle seat to try and get in some last good discussions with other attendees, but my deep fear of being late to anything meant I was one of the first to board, and I was too exhausted to speak. The window was pleasantly cold. I overheard a conversation from a few rows down between Mary Robinette Kowal and (I think?) Alyshondra Meacham.

They talked about how saying “sorry” repeatedly, without cause, is an aggressive act. It pushes the other person onto the defensive, because socially, how does one respond to “sorry”? There’s “I forgive you”, which only really works when there’s something to forgive and the forgiveness is warranted. The other big answer is, “oh, it’s okay”, which is a complete lie said only to try and avoid further social awkwardness.

Because it’s not okay, is it? Now you’re being held accountable for how they’re acting. If you say it’s okay, then you might as well be telling them to keep doing it. If you say to stop, then comes the “sorry for saying sorry” rush attack, like you’re trying to fight Depressed Star Platinum. The situation inevitably escalates, because you end up looking like a jerk to anyone watching. What kind of monster would be so mean to someone just apologizing and trying their best to make good?

When “sorry” means “I’m sorry for existing”, there are no right responses. This is absolutely the desired effect, but it’s completely unintentional. I’ve used this weapon myself, so I know how it twists the brain. When I said “sorry” in this way, I felt genuinely terrible, like it was the only thing I could say to justify why I was such a fuck-up, regardless of the context. What I was actually doing was holding people at social gunpoint, the gun loaded with bullets made of toxic shame, forcing them to bear a portion of my burden against their will. I was curling up and stabbing them with my hedgehog quills.

People got so mad with me when I did this, and when they did, I simply became more depressed. I didn’t understand. In hindsight, I can understand what they were probably trying to convey. They meant, “You must stop saying you are sorry for existing, because your existence has an inherent positive value,” or some other equally true-if-trite statement. But the Deep Sorry was too overwhelming. It plugged my ears as I sank deeper.

You must understand, I knew. At the time, I knew that whole stupid paragraph contained within the reflexive apology to be obviously, objectively true. To be told it wasn’t so bold-facedly, so off-handedly, felt insulting, belittling, infuriating. To apologize to someone and then be told to stop was to be denied even the right to have feelings. In those times when I’m drowning deep in toxic shame, other people merely reaching for the surface to gasp for air feels like toxic positivity.

I finally began drifting off against the window. The conversation continued, and someone said that almost every time the word “sorry” is spoken, it would be better served to be replaced with a variation of “thank you”.

I mentally made the swap, just to try it out. “I’m sorry for existing.”

It took me a few minutes.

The best I could come up with was, “Thank you for tolerating me.” I thought it sounded kind of stupid. I fell asleep, and didn’t wake up until the bus driver tried to park where they shouldn’t have and crashed into an air conditioning unit.

It took time, but I started to see these things; understand exactly why my friends would get annoyed with me when I acted, well, the way I’d always been acting. I started to get annoyed when people did it to me. I thought about the things I have written down here.

These days, I put forth an active effort to make the swap whenever I have the urge to say “sorry”. Instead of a reflexive attack in self-defense, “thank you” is an admission of vulnerability. If I feel like I screwed up somehow, it allows me to still express that feeling, but without writing it on a bullet first. If someone says “you’re welcome” or “it’s alright” responding to a “thank you”, they can actually mean it. It allows them to feel a bit better about themselves.

I couldn’t tell you if anything has changed within me. I still feel all of the self-loathing and shame roiling inside of me. I still say “sorry” by reflex, the word creaking under the implication; my filters don’t catch every instance. Old habits.

What has changed, slowly, is that people get upset with me less often. They aren’t scolding me to stop apologizing if I’m not technically apologizing, and I feel better when people aren’t getting on my case. More charitably, it means they don’t have to walk on eggshells around me (as much). I think (hope). I still wish everyone would lay off me sometimes, but the reasons have shifted.

Do they notice the swap? I don’t know. I still haven’t shaken the baseline assumption that everyone secretly hates me and will drop me the first chance they get. Plus, now I’ve become the kind of person who gets annoyed when confronted with the reflexive apology, even with everything I’ve written here. I still don’t know what to do with that. Let me know if you figure it out.

Thanks for reading.

—Noah Chan, Monday 20 June 2022

how do we accomplish ANYTHING on these things

2024-09-17T17:26:40.170Z

(originally posted November 29, 2022)

My elderly mother has, for years, complained - fully legitimately - about her ancient, pre-smart flip phone and ancient Windows XP desktop, and how she feels she needs to get with the times. I got her a smartphone in January and a Chromebook for Christmas this year.

The main reason I'd put it off for so long is that, well, technology can be downright arcane if you don't have the right kind of institutional knowledge from constantly interacting with technology. I was worried she wouldn't understand how to do the things she normally does on the new stuff. I barely know how to use my own smartphone, but through a lifetime of using computers and playing video games regularly I've gained the mindset where I can push buttons to see what happens, read prompts, and intuit things from the results. Try things until they work, then remember how I did those things. Failing that, ask Professor Google.

My mother cannot do this. It has been a nightmare.

How do you explain how to work a smartphone to someone who has never used a smartphone? How to do something as simple as text? Her old flip phone had a physical QWERTY keyboard and she was able to text with that, but that phone had two main menus, controlled with physical buttons: Messages and Contacts. Push messages, push confirm on send a message, type it out, hit send.

With a smartphone, she has to hit a button to bring up the lock screen. She has to enter her PIN, push enter. Then, it brings up whatever application she had open last, often Contacts. What swiping motion or sequence of actions closes this application? How do you know how to swipe - the direction, the pressure, the distance? Then she has to find the messages application, tap on it to open it (a tap, not a press, not a hold, but how do you know the difference?), and then figure out who she wants to send it to... by finding them in the Contacts. Then, a virtual touch keyboard. Where is the send button? It's that paper airplane icon, isn't it? How do you know that's "Send" if you have no experience with this?

She nearly locked herself out of her new Chromebook because she'd forgotten her Google password and attempted to log in with her desktop Windows XP password several times. I have a PS/2 to USB adapter still in shipping because she needs a "normal" keyboard to type and specifically wants to keep the one she was using. She didn't know where the Enter key was on the Chromebook.

I am helpless to help her with this; I simply do not have the temperament. I get annoyed when I'm interrupted. I get frustrated in mere moments. Then, my reaction causes her to be afraid of touching anything on her device, and the problem only compounds. My brother could probably do a better job, but he is not allowed to visit until he gets a COVID vaccination.

My own smartphone is from 2015. I'm now terrified of upgrading due to this very phenomenon. I just want things to work the way I'm used to, that I feel like I've only just figured out. Next to my own body's physical failings, I feel like this is one of the main indicators that I'm growing older.

(i have since upgraded my smartphone)

What I did in 2024 and what I'd like to do in 2025

2025-01-02T17:54:39.914Z

Inspired by Kyle Labriola's post of the same tack.

While none of us ever quite accomplishes everything we want to, it's been a particularly chaotic year for me for various reasons. It feels like I've barely been able to keep my head above the water line for like the past... well, too long.

And if there's something YOU think I accomplished that I have forgotten to write here, comment below or just hit me up somewhere.

2024

Blogging

I was fairly active on Cohost, mostly in the form of compilation posts, though I did a decent amount of my own work, most of which is now on this site.
- I think I perhaps did more harm than good in the long run. Boosting posts means more people see them, and especially on social media that means there are more vectors for harassment and such from bad actors. I would never say it was "my fault" or anything but I can't say I'm blameless either.
I've done a few larger posts on games I felt I had more to say about. Some people tell me I've done a good job and that's very nice of them.
I put this site together! Wow!!

Projects

Started a screenshot Let's Play whilst my home was under repair for water damage. Progress has halted due to various factors including Cohost's collapse, but I managed to get to a solid stopping point.
Installed RPG Maker and started playing a few more notable RPG Maker games to try and sort of absorb design concepts. Special thanks to Jama and again Kyle Labriola for their support in this.
I continued involvement with Yotsuben's Updated Autopsy Report project, though my part in it will likely be ending soon as he approaches the end of the Ace Attorney series and moves on to related works.
I pitched articles/books at a few places and sent in a couple applications for writer positions. Nothing came of any of it, but it's a start.

Personal

Started taking fiber supplements regularly. It really does help.
I still wouldn't say I exercise regularly, but I go for a 30-45 walk first thing in the morning most days.
I hacked my 3DS. It's not quite as easy as everyone says it is, but it's not terribly hard either. Now I just need to find my Vita...
I've been on ADHD stims for a while, but I got on anti-depressants. I'm sure they're helping but it doesn't always feel like it.
Mostly due to Cohost's collapse, I greatly expanded my range of personal contacts.

2025 Goals

Survive

I'm still here, I'm not dead yet

Blogging

Write more, smaller posts.
Become more coherent. Like my brain, my writing tends to meander and lack central pillars.
Get faster. ADHD means I tend to work in fits and spurts, which means things don't get done by the time I want them to.
Be more positive. I tend to be fueled by spite and all my biggest posts were broadly just complaining. I want to be so excited about something it makes other people excited.

Projects

Finish the JoJo LP. I picked something relatively simple to prove to myself I could do it and I'd like to finish it on principle.
Make a quick proof of concept in RPG Maker. The problem is figuring out which concept to pursue.
- More than just a quick thing, if possible. Baby steps.
If possible, get another TTRPG campaign up and running. I'm currently in one right now with a bunch of strangers-to-acquaintances, and I miss the rapport of doing it with my closest friends.
Pick something to write and stick to it. I can never make some things and I want to be at peace with that.
I have so many model kits that I haven't built.

Personal

Dust more. Clean more in general, really.
Cook more often, chiefly in relation to one of the other things on this list.
Exercise more. Perhaps I'll start taking evening walks in addition to the morning ones.
Sleep more. I think I might just be one of the unlucky people who needs more than 8 hours.
Read more. I used to read a lot of books and now I do not really read books. I unfortunately can't really do audiobooks most of the time (I need some kind of repetitive task to keep engaged while listening, and most productive things take too much brain power), but I've got plenty just sitting around on shelves anyway.
- Relatedly, get a library card.
Spend less time on social media.
- Paradoxically, stay in better contact with my contacts.
Take better care of my appearance. Lotion, conditioner, fingernails, et cetera.
Take better care of my health. My shoulder has been fucked up for probably a couple years now. I need new glasses. I probably have sleep apnea. My blood pressure is too high. Et cetera.
Drink less, if not none. It has not yet reached the point of becoming A Problem, but I can see that proverbial threshold rapidly approaching.
Go through the process of becoming an IHSS provider and various related tasks. I'm already doing it, might as well see if I can get paid for it.

Take care out there, folks. May your 2025 turn out better than you either hope or expect.

Shutting down the conversation

2024-09-19T20:50:41.358Z

I'm extremely guilty of doing this in the past, so maybe I'm throwing stones in glass houses, but I've also put forth significant effort to be less of a dick lately and feel like this is a big pain point (especially in group chats or public spaces):

If people are chatting about something, then nothing is added to the conversation if someone drops in and says "oh that thing sucks lmao", or "that's a shit game haha", or "just do something else instead of that lol" or equivalent.

What is even the expected response to that? What is meant, other than, "I don't care what you guys are talking about right now and I decided you needed to know that"? No criticism or critique or any other word that starts with "crit-" is happening here. It's now just awkward to keep talking about the thing. The conversation has been shut down. And for what?

I get it. When people are talking about shit I don't like, I feel that urge. They're talking about something and I'm not? Clearly I must express my feelings on this matter. Why wasn't I consulted? How dare they ignore me! Someone is wrong on the internet!! Don't they know this is a waste of time!!!

The "well I think it's shit" response... it's using social norms as a bludgeon. Unless you're the kind of person willing to say "shut the fuck up, the adults are talking" to someone's proverbial face, breaking yet more social norms and almost certainly escalating the situation anyway, the conversation cannot continue.

And perhaps that is the point; to make people stop and recenter the room around one's own opinion, take the spotlight. Perhaps not. I can't claim to know anyone's (or even my own) motives with this kind of flash-in-the-pan response. Conversation -- especially at the speed of text, without myriad nonverbal signals -- might as well be a ship in a storm, at the mercy of the waves be they swells or tsunamis.

Maybe we all should just stop talking like we're snarky podcast hosts. Dunno. No punchline. The end.

At the Mercy of Social Tides - One Year of Obsidian Moonshine

2025-10-15T19:13:48.815Z

Where I Reminisce about Cohost

TL;DR: I miss Cohost. I wrote a whole post at the time about how I miss Cohost. That probably sums up most of it.

I made this site overall a bit earlier than one year of whenever this is going live, but I also got the "your domain is going to be renewed are you sure you want to keep paying for it" email so we're within the "launch window" at bare minimum.

When I started Obsidian Moonshine during the back fourth of 2024, I was going through some of the most difficult months of my life for various weird reasons of which only a few I will list here:

I had an adverse reaction to the COVID vaccine shot at the time, of which I still occasionally feel the aftereffects. For 6-9 months I felt like I was constantly drifting back and forth as though on a ship at sea. I was told that the inflammation from my reaction to the vaccine damaged my vestibular nerves.
- I would describe this as 99% gone one year later. Sometimes I feel it when I wake up in the middle of the night.
  - I am still planning to get the new COVID shot soon. I caught it in late August/early September from an asymptomatic carrier whom I gave a ride to-and-from a wedding party out of the goodness of my heart (literally nobody else at the party got it other than me lmao) and I'm told I should wait three months after recovering to get the shot.
Cohost closed down. It was the only social media site where I felt welcome, as though people cared about anything I had to say. It wasn't like I was spouting bullshit constantly, though I still kinda feel as though people only cared about what I had to say due to my monthly compilation posts.
- Said monthly compilation posts arguably caused more harm than good. I don't want to overly attribute consequences to my actions, but linking one of Renkon's posts almost certainly spread its visibility and probably caused them to receive more harassment than they might have otherwise.
  - I'm sorry. I thought it was a good post and I couldn't have known. It doesn't fix anything and I do not deserve forgiveness nor absolution but I also don't know what else to say.
I was pushed off a different forum - which to my knowledge is still going - that was spun off of Cohost. I generally do not speak of this in public but it has been a year now and frankly I've given more discretion than they deserve.
- A Cohost user deleted their account and made their own forum site named after the city from Gravity Rush. I was one of the first people who joined it because I figured it was good to maintain social connections.
- At some point, they invited me to their personal friend Discord server. We watched multiple game streams together and exchanged gifts at least once. I thought we were friends.
  - One day on the forum, they expressed they were having a tough time and I replied with my admittedly usual response of "take care out there chief".
    - Within an hour they kicked me from the Discord server and sent me a DM saying I was annoying and that they were doing me a courtesy by merely blocking me on all platforms rather than banning me from the forum, and that they would explicitly not read or pay attention to literally anything I would have to say for myself. I have not gone there since.
The gutter above my home's front door completely fell apart in the middle of the rainy season.
- But hey, I learned a lot about gutters after buying, assembling, and attaching 10-ish feet of gutter in an L shape. Now when I take walks I have the requisite knowledge to observe the gutters on other buildings.
  - The new gutter I installed is like, 85% effective? I probably could stand to improve it, but also ooooof
The baseline depression and anxiety and ADHD, except it wasn't baseline because it was exacerbated by this shit and several more reasons which I find inappropriate to speak of publicly.

During all this I rescued most of my Cohost posts and managed to put this website together. By my own admittedly limp standards this was a downright heroic feat. I suppose it's something I should have done ages and ages ago anyway. And yet I kind of still wish I was just posting on a social media feed.

Cohost lowered the posting barrier and hit that perfect sweetspot where you could do a big effort post or you could fire a shot from the hip, and it all just worked. More importantly, that specific rhythm meant that people commented and replied. That is undeniably is the most important thing that has been lost in the transition. I get occasional comments on my posts here, but I'd say 90% of them are from the same half-dozen people. I deeply appreciate and value that, but I miss when the barrier to such things was low enough that I'd just be able to discuss things rapidly with people whom I might not have ever met before.

I felt friendly with a lot of people on Cohost, but now that we're all decoupled from that and I only post my writing on my own website, it's hard to say that I've made more than three or four friends. The relationships simply have not been maintained in a post-Cohost, Bsky/Discord centric world. I'm willing to accept primary responsibility for that. I could be DMing way more people just to chat, but I also have deep social anxiety about DMing people unprompted. I'm still scared to DM people I've known for 15 years. People I've known for like, 18 months? Out of the fucking question for my broken brain.

(A couple dozen people added me on Discord in the wake of Cohost closing. Please DM me whenever if you'd like to talk. I genuinely appreciate it every time, even if I appear to have a somewhat cold countenance. I want to hear all the shit you've been up to.)

I did join a bunch of larger servers during said wake, but there's something about a big discord server (by which I mean, more than like 20 active participants) that just causes my brain to shut down; I feel like I need to keep abreast of every channel, even though I certainly don't. It becomes overwhelming in a way. I'm still in many of them but keep them perpetually muted.

The shift in mindset that's come with the shift in format of how I interact with people online is just kind of disheartening. Even if I follow folks on bsky, its inherent format makes it so that replying or quoting just feels wrong compared to Cohost. The micro-format encourages me to quip when I simply want to talk.

I miss it. I feel like I have to cull or moderate my thoughts more because they are Blog Posts and not simply Posts. Like, my Sea of Stars review probably would have never happened if it went down in 2025. I'm trying to be nicer. I'm afraid of being cancelled or harassed in a way that I wasn't on Cohost, even though it's not like I'm saying anything particularly unhinged. My understanding is that this is called "moral scrupulosity".

Where I Actually Talk About the Website

As for more specific reflections on Obsidian Moonshine, it's been... weird. The "digital garden" format arguably isn't built for a "blog"; in an ideal world I'd be putting out way more random, smaller thoughts that all interconnect in a "zettelkasten" kind of way that more comprehensively communicates how my ADHD brain works. I probably should! But that's a big shift in mindset for how I learned to write things down on the internet. Obsidian Moonshine being "a website" as opposed to "a social media feed" raises the barrier of the kinds of thoughts I feel like posting. On Cohost I would probably be just saying shit about Gnosia or Digimon Beatbreak or whatever else I'm up to, but here it doesn't feel like it's worth saying anything unless it's A Whole-Ass Post. And that clogs the hell out of the proverbial pipes.

As of this writing I have at minimum three full blog posts that are sitting either half done or barely within the planning stages that I want to write but simply haven't summoned up the executive function to be able to do so. The biggest millstone around my neck right now is a post about Gundam GQuuuuuuX, which I genuinely still intend to do but also feel like I still haven't worked through my feelings completely or coherently, which is weird because my friends who have watched substantially more Gundam and care more deeply about it than I wrote their posts about it long ago. Posts which I still haven't read because I don't want my thoughts to be directly colored by theirs.

(Aside: Am I a lesser friend for explicitly avoiding their thoughts on something? I don't know. Maybe. I want to be a good friend who does not deny other people's feelings on things, but I also want to be able to assert my own feelings on things. Is this contradictory? Perhaps.)

Cohost and Obsidian Moonshine turned me into "a person who writes posts about things". This is troublesome, because I do not think I'm particularly intelligent or observant or even very good of a writer. And yet because now I'm "a person who writes posts about things", there's the pressure to, well, write posts about things. I get asked, "Are you going to write a post about that?" I feel bad when I play something and don't write a post about it, because it means I'm missing an opportunity to increase my portfolio of posts. I'm not hustling. Which I suppose is nothing special; just the constant enforced guilt we all feel living in this capitalist hellhole.

...But if I was hustling, then I'd probably be doing better, right? RIGHT?!

If anything, putting posts on my own website has substantially reduced my credibility compared to the Cohost days where I could coast off the proximity of more skilled/famed individuals. Now I'm just another dipshit blogger. One of the rejection responses I got from an outlet said they had "several dozen experienced, talented writers who applied", with the somewhat comical implication that I qualified as neither. Ouch. And yet I can't disagree.

It isn't as if I'm not keenly aware of my own weaknesses. I don't often have an "angle" for my posts; I'll simply talk about something rather than talk about it through the lens of how it applies to something else. I over-assume how much the reader is familiar with the specifics of what I'm writing about. I overexplain my thought processes out of an imagined obligation for those who might disagree with me. Compared to the stuff people get paid to right, I'm downright amateurish.

My friends tell me they like my writing, but (through no fault of their own) it always feels a bit hollow. It feels good to be acknowledged, and I deeply appreciate The Usual Suspects sharing and commenting on my work, but some fucked up part of my brain wants to be acknowledged by strangers. I want proof that I've got it outside of my circles. Again, Cohost's specific in-between nature meant I got at least a bit of that reach. These days, not so much; I'm almost entirely reliant on my substantially more famous friends RTing my stuff on bsky out of the goodness of their hearts.

Which surely puts undue social pressure on my followers; I wonder if they feel annoyed at the theoretical obligation of sharing my stuff. One hopes not. I do not want to spread negativity, despite everything (I say, writing a mostly-negative post in the background).

...And so, here we are, a year-ish out. I still write my posts, still privately sighing at The Numbers, still knowing that I could be doing such better work if only I was a better person myself. My chances feel long gone, and I persist out of an antiquated belief that surely some people still prefer it this way. Alas. I suppose that's just being online in 2025 for you. We'll see if I make it another year. I'm not dead yet, as I say.

Here's some of what I consider to be my best work. If there's something I missed or that you particularly like, dear reader, sound off in the comments.

Review - Tsukihime - A piece of blue glass moon
- Is it dumb to say that I got emotional writing this? I worked through a lot of feelings behind the scenes regarding my thoughts and feelings towards works formative in my late-teens / early-20s.
LP 7SU Intro Post & Table of Contents
- My big ol' Cohost Let's Play project. I think I've done some good work here, and I also think a lot of it is DEEPLY cringe. I wish more people appreciated the screenshot LP format rather than treating Let's Plays as purely second-screen content.
So You Played Baldur's Gate 3 and Want to Check Out More CRPGs - Where Should You Start
- Arguably my claim to fame. Outdated now that NWN2 has a remaster. I stand by all the shit I've said about Baldur's Gate 3.
Review - Sea of Stars
- Perhaps my actual claim to fame. In retrospect I think I'm a bit mean, but also just thinking about the game kind of pisses me off so maybe it's only fair. No, I won't play the DLC.
reflex
- Deeply personal. I don't bring a lot of attention to this one. Formatting's busted since I copy-pasted it from elsewhere and I'm scared to fix it since it'll bring it to the top of the RSS and get more eyes. Maybe I'll do that soon.
My Strange Journey through Shin Megami Tensei - Shin Megami Tensei III Nocturne HD Remaster
- Posting the most recent one that links to all the older ones (the post on 4, 4A, and V is probably actually the best post), but this has been a really interesting journey after only being a Persona 3-4-5 boy for years and years.
Metaphor ReFantazio Mythologizes a Better World but is Afraid to Abandon the Status Quo
- It really isn't very interesting and that's only stood out more and more since I started playing MegaTen games.

As always, thanks for reading, and see you again.

Obsidian Moonshine

Blogroll

Storage

Tales from the Feed, 2026-4

🪴 So I bought a Venus flytrap...

Tales from the Feed, 2026-3

Tales from the Feed, 2026-2

Tales from the Feed, 2026-1

The End of Super Sentai was an Embarrassment for All

I wish Kamen Rider Gavv was a little less weird

Fate strange Fake First Impressions

Fall 2024 Anime Season (What I'm Watching)

Continuing

Bakuage Sentai Boonboomger

Kamen Rider Gavv

Pokemon Horizons

Sengoku Youko

New

Uzumaki

Dandadan

Dragon Ball Daima

Mecha-Ude

Thunderbolt Fantasy Season 4

Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online II

WING-MAN

Mobile Suit Gundam: Requiem for Vengeance

The Backlog

Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex

Planetes

Basic Andor Thoughts From Someone Who Doesn't Particularly Like Star Wars (Spoilers)

What I Thought Was Awesome

What I Thought Was Boring

What I Thought Was Confusing

What I Didn't Buy

Anime - Winter 2025

New Shows

Zenshuu

Returning/Continuing Shows

Dragon Ball Daima

The Apothecary Diaries Season 2

Beastars "The Final Season" Part 1

Pokemon Horizons

Tokusatsu

Bakuage Sentai Boonboomger

Kamen Rider Gavv

The Backlog

Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex

Planetes

2025-2 Movie Night Movies

Night is Short, Walk on Girl (rewatch)

Pacific Rim (rewatch)

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

Clash of the Titans 1981

Nosferatu 2024

Reign of Fire

Black Dynamite

Zeiram

Mobile Suit Gundam Thunderbolt: December Sky (rewatch)

Media Table of Contents

Books

Games

Steam Nextfest

Movies

Shows

played some of that metaphor refantazia demo

Steam NextFest Rapid-fire Demo Thoughts (Feb 2024)

Ultros

Caribbean Legend

Vendir: Plague of Lies

Breachway

Guild Saga: Vanished Worlds

Kind Words 2 (lofi city pop)

Pacific Drive

Islands of Insight

Aden

DICEOMANCER

BattleJuice Alchemist

Necrosmith 2

Harold Halibut

Dungeon Inn